Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Who's Cooler Than Me?
Yo yo yo, wuss up mah bitches! I'm here to blow some shit up, yo. I'll be like, "Julie Chen, I came to play and I played cuz I'm a playa. You can take that to the bank!" It's cool, it's cool. It's all good. I like it. And I'm good looking too. I got pink sneakahs on. Who's cooler than me? Nobody. That's who! I take it as a fuckin' compliment muthafucka. People are scared of me cuz I played fuckin' real and I played truthful. Ain't nobody real as me. No one can argue with that. New Yawk represent! Wut wut! If I go, I getta go see my boy. Nick, I love you! I had such a connection with that kid. We didn't touch or nuthin' but our souls touched, you know what I mean? It's like some outer space shit. Two stars or some shit that like find each others. Imma gonna wear his hat cuz there's like some osteoporosis powers in it like he can read my thoughts. I tawk to him with my brains. An' I may not be all that smart, but I got heart. *beats chest* I also don't got one of them ukeleles in my throat so I can swallow him whole, bitches. Yeah! Let's muthafuckin' recap this shit, shall we?
The day begins with a nervous tension in the air. A thick and suffocating swirl of thoughts... Who will be the replacement nominee?... What could America possibly be thinking? It turns out that America, just this once, did something right. After all the speculations and worries and guesses, we discover that VaGina (GinaMarie) has been nominated for eviction. Live Feeders breathed a sigh of relief while the Houseguests scratched their heads in confusion. You see, the Houseguests believe that VaGina is delightfully entertaining to mouth breathers like ourselves. Sitting at home catching flies and licking the wallpaper we can't help but light up every time VaGina struts onscreen and scratches herself. We're charmed by her ability to swallow slop balls whole. And when the funk of her plaid pants permeates through the television screen, we inhale her musky aroma with wild abandon. As if!
So, while the Houseguests are stunned and confused, VaGina is quiet and stewing. She plops down on the bed, covers her eyes with sunglasses, and pouts. Only after a few minutes of fighting away the tears does she speak, "These are the best lookin' nominations ever. The three prettiest girls are on the block! I'm in good company." Helen and Andy smile awkwardly and nod as VaGina continues, "It's alright. It's all good. People are timidated by me an' I get that. I'm a strong competitor. I got respect. You scared of me? Punks gotta nominate they biggest threat an' thats me." Um, sweet cheeks, you deep throated an ice cream machine. You didn't split the atom. If every competition from here on out is which food industry machine can you swallow, then, yes, you are a formidable competitor.
After of 20 minutes of VaGina telling everyone how flattered she is to be nominated, the room disperses and we are left with J-U-DD and VaGina. J-U-DD lies on the bed next to VaGina and mumbles that she has to lay low this week. He tells her she's not going anywhere, but it's important that she doesn't ruffle any feathers between now and Thursday. He tells her there are much fish in the house to fry this week than her. VaGina replies, "I think Elissa put me up." J-U-DD ignores her and tells her that she should get zero votes this week. VaGina tells him that she's not in the mood to tawk to anybody. She just wants to stay in bed, in the filthy sheets she refuses to wash, and think about Nick. She tells J-U-DD that she wishes he had nominated her for eviction from the get go so she would have been able to compete in POV. Later, she adds, "Even though I wouldn't have won it." (Because it was designed for Elvira (Elissa) to win.)
J-U-DD continues to croon in her ear telling her to lay low. He says his HOH would be an entire waste if VaGina ends up going home. Eyebrows (Kaitlin) then enters and tells them that Elvira was eavesdropping on a conversation she was having with somebody. She sighs to herself and reveals that she probably said the worst things about Elvira while she was listening through the door. Eyebrows worries that she'll be Elvira's target next week.
Turning her attention to VaGina, Eyebrows tells her that her going on the block must be part of some elaborate plan to seal Aryan's fate and send her home this week. J-U-DD nods and says, "I think VaGina will be the zero vote this week." Eyebrows replies, "You think I'm going to have votes now?" J-U-DD answers, "Yeah, a couple." Eyebrows laments, "That's so annoying!" VaGina sighs to herself, "If the house wanted to put up someone nice, why didn't they put up Andy?"
J-U-DD steals away from the weeping VaGina to have a little chat with Helen. The two are discussing how it might be a better idea to get rid of Eyebrows this week instead of Aryan. Helen says that she'll tell Elvira that Eyebrows is after her and that should make Elvira flip to wanting Eyebrows gone. Similarly, Amanda and Andy also want Eyebrows gone this week. So, while the plan was initially to get rid of Aryan, chances are she'll be safe this week... which is awesome! Despite her cross burning and perpetual whining, the little racist is actually growing on me. Not only did she stand up for Amanda this weekend, but she hates Elvira with a vile passion. Therefore, I can look past her minor inadequacies. I can get over the nitpicking and I can concentrate on the bigger picture. Aryan is more entertaining than Eyebrows. Plain and simple. I need that little bigot for her votes and her gossip.
After discussing this week's vote with J-U-DD, Helen scurries over to Eyebrows to make sure she feels comfortable and safe this week. The two discuss the plans for next week which, according to Helen, is to get rid of Howard. By talking about the future with Eyebrows, Eyebrows is lulled into a false sense of security.
The afternoon continues lazily as the Houseguests sun themselves and frolic in the pool as VaGina naps in the dead skin cells of her long lost beloved Nick.
But later, later! Up in the HOH room, a gaggle of HG's are discussing how weird the MVP nominations were this week. Spencer is convinced that America probably voted for who went on the block, but J-U-DD isn't so sure especially since the VaGina nomination was so strange. They discuss how there is no way to know how they're being edited for the show. Hearing all of this, Elvira's face contorts and crinkles into a sad paper bag. She asks, "Do you think America doesn't like me?" And then as if to erase that icky thought from her mind, she tells everyone that she's positive she has more supporters than haters. Spencer nods, "You're probably right." But this reply doesn't please Elvira. This reply doesn't satisfy her innermost need to be constantly adored.
With the anger and panic rising up where her kundalini should be, Elvira whines that the room is making her feel like America doesn't like her. Helen quickly jumps in to the rescue, "I don't think America would put a mom on the block." (What the hell is she talking about?) J-U-DD replies, "I don't think being a mom matters." Elvira then sneers, "I don't think Production would trust America to make a decision like that." Oh really? Production trusts us to pick an MVP every week and you've had no problems with that so far, Twisted Sister.
Elvira continues to think to herself while the others wonder if VaGina is being edited to look like a slob pining for Nick all the time. Since they're talking about VaGina, it means they're not talking about Elvira. Cue the tears!
"It hurts that people might not like me. What about my son? I don't want anyone making fun of him. Hnmm mnmm. He's such a treasure. What if they're editing me to make me look like a psychotic freak who does opium in the DR, unh? I don't think that's fair that America can put me on the block based on an edit. Only the people that love me should be allowed to vote, mnm. Everyone makes fun of me in here. I've had the hardest time out of all of you, hnmm mnmm. I just don't want anyone making fun of my little treasure son. I wanna go home!"
Immediately, the room rushes to encircle the leaky piece of plastic. They all assure her over and over again that everyone loves her and how she has so many fans. Helen rubs Elvira's legs and says, "You're the hottest one in the house! You're the one everyone wants to see on a magazine cover." Elvira replies, "Mnmm." Spencer and J-U-DD tell her that she won all those MVP's so her edit must be pretty good. Listening to all of this and dabbing her eyelids, Elvira hnmm mnmm's her way back to happiness. Whew, that was a close one! You can never not shower Elvira with constant attention. If you look anywhere other than in her direction, her precious treasure son will be bullied in school. Kindly remember that and never take your eyes off of her again. Thank you.
And that's where I'll end this today. As of now, both Eyebrows and Aryan believe they are safe but Aryan is pretending like she is going home. If nothing major happens between now and Thursday, Eyebrows and her bloody vagina will be trundling on out the door. Anger and suspicion over Howard continues to grow and, hopefully, he'll find himself on the block and out the door next. Fingers crossed!
So, what do you think of VaGina being the replacement nomination? Would you rather Eyebrows or Aryan went home? You didn't sleep last night did you? You were supposed to be drooling over Elvira, you bastards! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
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