Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Who's Cooler Than Me?


Yo yo yo, wuss up mah bitches! I'm here to blow some shit up, yo. I'll be like, "Julie Chen, I came to play and I played cuz I'm a playa. You can take that to the bank!" It's cool, it's cool. It's all good. I like it. And I'm good looking too. I got pink sneakahs on. Who's cooler than me? Nobody. That's who! I take it as a fuckin' compliment muthafucka. People are scared of me cuz I played fuckin' real and I played truthful. Ain't nobody real as me. No one can argue with that. New Yawk represent! Wut wut! If I go, I getta go see my boy. Nick, I love you! I had such a connection with that kid. We didn't touch or nuthin' but our souls touched, you know what I mean? It's like some outer space shit. Two stars or some shit that like find each others. Imma gonna wear his hat cuz there's like some osteoporosis powers in it like he can read my thoughts. I tawk to him with my brains. An' I may not be all that smart, but I got heart. *beats chest* I also don't got one of them ukeleles in my throat so I can swallow him whole, bitches. Yeah! Let's muthafuckin' recap this shit, shall we?

The day begins with a nervous tension in the air. A thick and suffocating swirl of thoughts... Who will be the replacement nominee?... What could America possibly be thinking? It turns out that America, just this once, did something right. After all the speculations and worries and guesses, we discover that VaGina (GinaMarie) has been nominated for eviction. Live Feeders breathed a sigh of relief while the Houseguests scratched their heads in confusion. You see, the Houseguests believe that VaGina is delightfully entertaining to mouth breathers like ourselves. Sitting at home catching flies and licking the wallpaper we can't help but light up every time VaGina struts onscreen and scratches herself. We're charmed by her ability to swallow slop balls whole. And when the funk of her plaid pants permeates through the television screen, we inhale her musky aroma with wild abandon. As if!


So, while the Houseguests are stunned and confused, VaGina is quiet and stewing. She plops down on the bed, covers her eyes with sunglasses, and pouts. Only after a few minutes of fighting away the tears does she speak, "These are the best lookin' nominations ever. The three prettiest girls are on the block! I'm in good company." Helen and Andy smile awkwardly and nod as VaGina continues, "It's alright. It's all good. People are timidated by me an' I get that. I'm a strong competitor. I got respect. You scared of me? Punks gotta nominate they biggest threat an' thats me." Um, sweet cheeks, you deep throated an ice cream machine. You didn't split the atom. If every competition from here on out is which food industry machine can you swallow, then, yes, you are a formidable competitor.


After of 20 minutes of VaGina telling everyone how flattered she is to be nominated, the room disperses and we are left with J-U-DD and VaGina. J-U-DD lies on the bed next to VaGina and mumbles that she has to lay low this week. He tells her she's not going anywhere, but it's important that she doesn't ruffle any feathers between now and Thursday. He tells her there are much fish in the house to fry this week than her. VaGina replies, "I think Elissa put me up." J-U-DD ignores her and tells her that she should get zero votes this week. VaGina tells him that she's not in the mood to tawk to anybody. She just wants to stay in bed, in the filthy sheets she refuses to wash, and think about Nick. She tells J-U-DD that she wishes he had nominated her for eviction from the get go so she would have been able to compete in POV. Later, she adds, "Even though I wouldn't have won it." (Because it was designed for Elvira (Elissa) to win.)

J-U-DD continues to croon in her ear telling her to lay low. He says his HOH would be an entire waste if VaGina ends up going home. Eyebrows (Kaitlin) then enters and tells them that Elvira was eavesdropping on a conversation she was having with somebody. She sighs to herself and reveals that she probably said the worst things about Elvira while she was listening through the door. Eyebrows worries that she'll be Elvira's target next week.

Turning her attention to VaGina, Eyebrows tells her that her going on the block must be part of some elaborate plan to seal Aryan's fate and send her home this week. J-U-DD nods and says, "I think VaGina will be the zero vote this week." Eyebrows replies, "You think I'm going to have votes now?" J-U-DD answers, "Yeah, a couple." Eyebrows laments, "That's so annoying!" VaGina sighs to herself, "If the house wanted to put up someone nice, why didn't they put up Andy?"


J-U-DD steals away from the weeping VaGina to have a little chat with Helen. The two are discussing how it might be a better idea to get rid of Eyebrows this week instead of Aryan. Helen says that she'll tell Elvira that Eyebrows is after her and that should make Elvira flip to wanting Eyebrows gone. Similarly, Amanda and Andy also want Eyebrows gone this week. So, while the plan was initially to get rid of Aryan, chances are she'll be safe this week... which is awesome! Despite her cross burning and perpetual whining, the little racist is actually growing on me. Not only did she stand up for Amanda this weekend, but she hates Elvira with a vile passion. Therefore, I can look past her minor inadequacies. I can get over the nitpicking and I can concentrate on the bigger picture. Aryan is more entertaining than Eyebrows. Plain and simple. I need that little bigot for her votes and her gossip.


After discussing this week's vote with J-U-DD, Helen scurries over to Eyebrows to make sure she feels comfortable and safe this week. The two discuss the plans for next week which, according to Helen, is to get rid of Howard. By talking about the future with Eyebrows, Eyebrows is lulled into a false sense of security.

The afternoon continues lazily as the Houseguests sun themselves and frolic in the pool as VaGina naps in the dead skin cells of her long lost beloved Nick.


But later, later! Up in the HOH room, a gaggle of HG's are discussing how weird the MVP nominations were this week. Spencer is convinced that America probably voted for who went on the block, but J-U-DD isn't so sure especially since the VaGina nomination was so strange. They discuss how there is no way to know how they're being edited for the show. Hearing all of this, Elvira's face contorts and crinkles into a sad paper bag. She asks, "Do you think America doesn't like me?" And then as if to erase that icky thought from her mind, she tells everyone that she's positive she has more supporters than haters. Spencer nods, "You're probably right." But this reply doesn't please Elvira. This reply doesn't satisfy her innermost need to be constantly adored.

With the anger and panic rising up where her kundalini should be, Elvira whines that the room is making her feel like America doesn't like her. Helen quickly jumps in to the rescue, "I don't think America would put a mom on the block." (What the hell is she talking about?) J-U-DD replies, "I don't think being a mom matters." Elvira then sneers, "I don't think Production would trust America to make a decision like that." Oh really? Production trusts us to pick an MVP every week and you've had no problems with that so far, Twisted Sister.

Elvira continues to think to herself while the others wonder if VaGina is being edited to look like a slob pining for Nick all the time. Since they're talking about VaGina, it means they're not talking about Elvira. Cue the tears!


"It hurts that people might not like me. What about my son? I don't want anyone making fun of him. Hnmm mnmm. He's such a treasure. What if they're editing me to make me look like a psychotic freak who does opium in the DR, unh? I don't think that's fair that America can put me on the block based on an edit. Only the people that love me should be allowed to vote, mnm. Everyone makes fun of me in here. I've had the hardest time out of all of you, hnmm mnmm. I just don't want anyone making fun of my little treasure son. I wanna go home!"

Immediately, the room rushes to encircle the leaky piece of plastic. They all assure her over and over again that everyone loves her and how she has so many fans. Helen rubs Elvira's legs and says, "You're the hottest one in the house! You're the one everyone wants to see on a magazine cover." Elvira replies, "Mnmm." Spencer and J-U-DD tell her that she won all those MVP's so her edit must be pretty good. Listening to all of this and dabbing her eyelids, Elvira hnmm mnmm's her way back to happiness. Whew, that was a close one! You can never not shower Elvira with constant attention. If you look anywhere other than in her direction, her precious treasure son will be bullied in school. Kindly remember that and never take your eyes off of her again. Thank you.

And that's where I'll end this today. As of now, both Eyebrows and Aryan believe they are safe but Aryan is pretending like she is going home. If nothing major happens between now and Thursday, Eyebrows and her bloody vagina will be trundling on out the door. Anger and suspicion over Howard continues to grow and, hopefully, he'll find himself on the block and out the door next. Fingers crossed!

So, what do you think of VaGina being the replacement nomination? Would you rather Eyebrows or Aryan went home? You didn't sleep last night did you? You were supposed to be drooling over Elvira, you bastards! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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25 comments:

  1. I know it's caused major drama in the house but I wish they knew it was America that put Elissa and GM up. I'm guessing that they will find out on Thursday.

    GM was hysterical to watch after her nom. ''I take it as a compliment'' How many times did she say that? Good grief.

    Hoping that McRae wins HOH this week. Love Amanda but the last thing she needs right now is to win HOH.

    I want Kaitlyn to go this week because it's wrong that she gets a free pass from everyone. No one talks about how hateful she is. We all know that Aaryn and GM are despicable but Kailyn is too...might be in a different way...but just as hateful.

    I have a real question. With all the cattiness in the house, has anyone mentioned her eyebrows? I can't imagine that we (outside of the house) are the only ones that notice them.

    BTW..loved the gossip show the other night. Nearly peed my pants.

    Nichol

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    1. Did you not see Aaryn plucking her eyebrows for her and Kailyn said don't take too much off. So funny

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    2. I did not. I bet it was funny.
      Nichol

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    3. Doesn't Kaitlin paint her eyebrows too? It seemed like I saw her putting layers of shellac on them the other night.

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  2. LOVE IT! I almost pulled my fingernails off every time Elissa said it again, "Do you think America doesnt like me" OMG.. That poor girl has been living in a little Elissa's world cocoon.

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  3. "...naps in the dead skin cells of her long lost beloved Nick."

    Oh how I love reading your blogs lmao

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  4. I would prefer to see Aaryn go home first. I am eager to see her exit interview with Julie and hopefully Julie won't disappoint us. I would like see cops waiting for her when she gets out asking her about the dead body she dug up in Texas. But any of the “pretty” i.e. “puffed up” girls will walk out the door to a rude awakening.

    Right now, I think Andy will win this as he is able to transport himself through space and time, and walls. How is he able to get in on every conversation in the house at the same time? He is in every alliance and he is never a target of anyone. He has everyone’s trust. I think he is the best at playing “the game”.

    JayEs

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  5. I really want to see Aryan go while she's still a hot news item. I want to watch her run from the media when she finds out how much she's hated. I want to see her crocodile tears as she whines, "I am not a racist. They twisted everything I said. I never said anything wrong." I want to see the hurt on her face that I saw on Candice's and Howard's. She deserves to have people see that. And we'll have a better chance of seeing any part of that the sooner she's evicted. America and the media has the attention span of a gnat, gotta get her out in the public before people forget. But I know deep down that we'll never see any of her suffering. Mommy and the PR firm will hide her in a cave somewhere until they're sure the attention has died down. The next (and last) time we'll hear about her once she's out of the BB house is when she marries a neo-nazi and moves to a survivalist camp in Idaho.

    Kaitlin is a non-entity to me. I very rarely notice her. She's a personality chameleon, she'll act like those around her act. Eh.

    GinaMarie entertains me. I find her more ignorant than malicious. Unlike Aryan, I think GM has enough self-awareness that she'll be ashamed when she gets out of there and want to be a better person. But while she's in the house, I get a kick out of her. Whether she's sobbing or fighting or just hanging around with the others, she does everything at full volume. And as a feed watcher, that's of utmost importance to me. There's no turning up the speakers, trying to figure out the whispers. She puts it right out there for everyone. She curses beautifully and no one else can eat a tablespoon of cinnamon.

    As the (not always) wise woman says...
    I LOVE ALL YOU MUTHA FUCKAS!

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    1. The fact that Eyebrows is a non-entity is exactly why I want her out. She's BORING. I can't write blogs and do podcasts about boring people! That's the kiss of death.

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    2. I agree Eyebrows is boring right now, but Aaryn has turned boring since she has no one - is no longer doing anything of interest. And like a previous poster said let's get her to the interview while she is still hot news and before America forgets the nasty person she is. I think if Eyebrows sticks around she will go head to head with Elivra as the house "why does everyone hate me" whiner. Also if Eyebrows wins HOH, it will be an very interesting week. I think she will be much more interesting with time than Aryan Nation.

      JayEs

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  6. "Wet piece of plastic". Quite the visual. Hey, CONGRATS on the large volume of viewers for the Podcast! They should be listening to it ~ amazing! For me, Elvira is the most annoying, self-centered, grudge holder I think I've ever seen. Superficial describes her perfectly. I haven't been watching the feeds too much but I thought J-U-DD was in an alliance with Howard and Spencer? Not?
    Another jewel to pin on your chastity belt, I loved reading it. But I never miss your "New Blog Up".

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  7. Lady Lala....what's with the rumor on Jokers about Amanda knowing AG for years and she (Amanda) will win the show?????

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    1. It's complete bullshit. I just talked with her family about it. Amanda went through the audition process just like everyone else and had no idea who Allison was.

      All you need to do is look at last week's edit to know this is completely made up. This is why I stay away from Jokers. Stupid bullshit rumors.

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    2. There was a rumor last year about one of the HG knowing AG. It's just internet bullshit.

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  8. "Dead skin cells..." "Wet piece of plastic" Ewww... Thanks for the visuals. I enjoy this blog almost as much as BB. I don't have the feeds and seldom have time to watch BBAD, this blog puts it all out there. Nicely, concisely and to the point--with those great visuals added for flavor.

    I hope Eyebrows goes this week. I think with the mean girls broken up, Aryan Nation may actually start playing the game rather than just being mean?? How about it? She seemed pretty receptive to an alliance with Howard a few days ago. Of course, a few days in the BBH is like a lifetime on the outside.

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    1. Aaryan Nation! Bwahaha. that's what I been calling her for weeks, with a little white aaryan resistance thrown in for a prison chuckle...
      boy the real world is gonna be a wake up, but either way in some sick twisted way i find her much more entertaining than that other rotten apple that fell off the riley tree. if america only disliked her in the beginning b/c she was Rachel's sister, she is behaving in such a way that they are now developing their own reasons.
      -Rich P

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  9. I agree with totally. I am way over the Aaryn hate. This is not the UN guys, it's Big Brother. I don't care about how bigoted somebody is, I'm looking to be entertained. And Aaryn is entertaining as fuck. She's funny and smart and I enjoy watching her on the feeds.
    Elissa, on the other hand... In 15 seasons of Big Brother I have never hated another HG more than I loathe this girl. I hate her with an intense and fiery passion. I didn't watch the feeds all day yesterday because I couldn't stand hearing her bullshit for another second. She is an idiot (I'm thinking if you gave her a test she'd be required to wear a helmet going forward), she's a bitch (talking shit to Amanada, who looked sexier in her 1 piece from Goodwill than Elissa will ever look in a $1k bikini), she's manipulative (telling Amanda to apologize when Elissa was being the dirty bitch), she's self-obsessed (mmmhmmm you guysss I feel like soo betrayed that you like don't think America likes meee you like have nooo character- FUCKING SHOOT ME) and the list can go on. This is already TL;DR but I just need to commiserate with people over this intense hatred I feel for this bitch. She's not funny, not smart, not pretty, not sweet, not interesting, not exciting, not nice and not deserving of her spot of this TV show. Seriously, I cannot think of a single positive adjective to apply to this hag. If she wasn't related to that big-tittied shrew who traded pure rimjobs for that $500k cheque on BB13, there is NO WAY IN HELL she would've been cast. She does not fit the bill. You either have to be a super hottie (Elissa's face scares children) or you have to be an 'interesting' type character (Jenn from BB14, or Andrew BB12 etc). Did I mention I hate Elissa?

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    1. thanks for stealing the exact thoughts from my brain.
      rich p

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    2. Elissa has a nice "yoga body" if I am FORCED to give her a compliment, but overall I completely agree with everything above as well... (This is Rich's wife, Christy) I TOLERATED her until a while ago, now, I just want her to go. I REALLY hated RACHEL, so I (for some reason!?) really tried to give Elissa the benefit of the doubt this season. Even at the outrage of my husband who HATESSSSSSSSSS her. I KEPT saying "She is Elissa NOT Rachel, maybe this chick is okay... It's only fair to give her a chance." Chance is OVER BITCH. She sucks.. & She's been given too many unfair advantages. I can't take her an more. Yuck. Boo. Elvira is the worst person there... & that weird stuff she confused JuDD with "I AM production" & "Rachel is not really my sister" & all that weird shit, I am over her. I selfishly want Aarin to stay a WHILE longer, if she will keep up the insults! Sorry, I can't wait to see what she will say. GinaMarie is WORTHLESS, but preferable (to me) over Elvira at this point.... At least she gives a slight bit of entertainment (like Aarin!)... BUT, that's ALL we really WANT is some entertainment! I for see kaitlin leaving this week now, and that is fine, whatever with those girls.. I feel like if Elissa could leave NEXT week, it would be like an all new game JUST STARTING. She rubs me the wrong way so much, I just am ready for the game to "start" without her! MY 2 CENTS!

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  10. I do hate to see a player's game ruined by her mvp wins, but her crazy has really started to pay off on the feeds this week, and inspiring genius on this blog. Funniest one this season!

    "You can never not shower Elvira with constant attention!"

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  11. I watched BBAD last night and all I thought was "I wish Helen still had to go to bed at 8pm".

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  12. I just watched back the part where McCrae and Andy were laughing because she was talking too loud and I've come to the conclusion that Elissa is mentally challenged or playing the part of an idiot. It is so annoying that neither one of those boys yelled at her to LISTEN TO WHAT THEY WERE SAYING!!! There's no way she didn't understand why they were really laughing, unless her ears are full of wax.

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  13. To the Anonymous talking about Elissa's MVP 'wins'...you just throwing that word out loosey goosey, right? CBS gave Elissa the MVP- it was probably created solely FOR her. The CBS show doesn't even show Elissa (probably because if they did the American masses would be hip to her CRAZY BITCH vibe)so how the hell is she winning the MVP every week? Live feeders would never vote for her. It's all CBS bullshit. Production probably called her up and said 'you and Rachel go ASS TO ASS tonight and we'll write you a cheque'. BB13 was designed for Rachel to win (not even going to get into THAT shit again) and they are pulling the same BS this season. Like the other day, Elissa was all worried about going home after America nominated her. She whined about it allllllll day. She gets called into DR. She's in there for 40 minutes and comes out with a shit-eating grin from hell on her face. The other HGs ask what's up 'mmmm ohhh like nothingg mmmhmmm GRIN GRIN'. Her entire mood shifts. Next day she wins the fucking veto. Aaryn tells Kaitlin that she couldn't find any numbers in her lane higher than 5 and when she started going in Elissa's lane they were all high numbers. Then, FISH. It's pretty obvious production told her she was safe and her idiotic self couldn't even play it cool. It disgusts me, it really does. I'm so fired up about this shit because BB is my absolute favourite show and has been since I 13 (24 now) years old. To see what it has become, to see the blatant cheating..it's very upsetting. As a fan, as a consumer (I always buy the feeds), as an active member in the online BB community..I am being cheated. And I'm pissed off. Production always fucks around, and there has been a certain amount of heavy-handedness in BB for YEARS...but it has never been so blatant before. A seriously big FUCK YOU to CBS.

    Again, TL;DR, sorry lol.

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  14. This thing with Elvira is just like Russell Hants and his crazy ass family all over again. I have always hated Rachel but it is a sad day in hell when Elvira is more despicable than that red headed parrot faced ho bag Rachel.

    The same thing with Russell, he was an asshole but he wasn't a complete crazy psychopath like his brother and nephew. Can we please just be done with the Reilly family? OMG! I just had a horrible thought. What if Brendan has a sibling? What if they are the next one to be cast for BB? I may just have to jab my eyes out with a hot fireplace poker.

    To adrienne, In Jeff's last season his POV comp was rigged for him to win too. It was that clown shoe thing. No one had the right clown shoe in their bin except Jeff and by sheer accident he whipped it out and it fell off to the side onto the floor and he couldn't see it. If he wouldn't have done that he would have won the POV and stayed in the game and been handed that half mil check.

    I am hoping that STD infested Eyebrows goes home. She is too stupid and not entertaining at all.

    Did anyone catch that remark on the live feeds, I think it was Aryan, she was wondering if GinaMarie has ever been called VaginaMarie? LOL.

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  15. Osteoporosis powers? I want Osteoporosis powers too dammit.

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