Saturday, August 1, 2015
Once in a blue moon, the planets align, the gods look down on us favorably, and every virgin in my town has been roasted to a tender juicy golden crisp. On days like this you can almost feel the cosmic energy in the air. Your skin tingles, your hair blows freely, and all of nature seems alive and breathing. Even in a world removed, the Big Brother house, magic makes its presence known. Even in a tiny spot of this vast universe is the power of the cosmic pulse felt thumping rhythmically in time with the heart of the infinite. *thump, thump... thump, thump* Let's recap, shall we?
It is Friday in the Big Brother house and that means Nominations. Who will James put up? We know he wanted to target Shelli per Jason's instructions, but would he follow through? Who would he put up beside her? A twin? A Knight? A motormouth meth head? The answer is stuff dreams are made of...
James, the newly anointed resident BAD ASS, did what the universe asked of him. He nominated CLAY AND SHELLI! Side by side. At the same time. Simultaneously. In tandem. Concurrently. In concert with one another. And boy did that concert put out some beautiful music.
The song they song in each other's arms was a duet of pain...
Don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly save us now
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow
But you will live Mama Shell
Dear God above
If I could close your wounds with words of love
Just hold me now and let it be
Shelter me, comfort me
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now
The rain can't hurt me now
The rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last
The rain that brings you here - is Heaven blessed
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
(S) So don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
(C) Hush a bye dear Mama Shell
(S) I don't feel any pain
(C) You won't feel any pain
(S) A little fall of rain
(C) A little fall of rain
(S) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) I'm here
(S) That's all I need to know
(S) And you will keep me safe
(C) I will stay with you
(S) And you will keep me close
(C) Till you are sleeping
(S) And rain
(C) And rain
(S) Will make the flowers
(C) Will make the flowers grow
Shelli can't understand why anyone would nominate a mother and her son. Especially this week... of all weeks! This last week before players get sent to Jury. Do you realize what this means? This means that Oedipus and Jocasta (how weird is that?!) will be separated for the rest of the summer! This is the death of passion. And by "passion" I mean stiff unfeeling pecks on the cheek. But passion nonetheless! How will Shelli know if Clay is cleaning behind his ears and brushing his teeth before bed if she isn't there to remind him? Oh woe is love.
On her 20th breakdown of the afternoon, Shelli realizes that last week got her where she is right now. It's Vanessa's fault! It's Austin's fault! Basically it is everyone's fault but her own. Shelli approaches Austin and tells him that he has to remove her from the block if he wins POV. Austin would really like to but if he removes Shelli or Clay then one of the twins could go up and, sorry lady, he just can't do that. Shelli then wails, "You staying put us in this position!" No, you being an awful entitled bitch put you in this position, Sugar Tits.
Dwelling more about how she landed on the block, Shelli tells Vanessa that she regrets keeping Becky. It's all Vanessa's fault! Shelli didn't want Jason to go home. And why oh why did she throw the HOH to James. *more tears, more snot* Vanessa tries her best to console Shelli in the most laughable way ever. She tells Shelli that she's only known Clay for 7 weeks whereas Vanessa has been with her girlfriend nonstop for 2 years. Shelli's plight is nowhere near as tragic as Vanessa's. Haha! Let's just say, never go to Vanessa if your puppy dies or you lose your husband.
Meanwhile Clay is announcing that if he wins POV he will use it on Shelli. Meg and Jackie hear this and tell James while they're all hanging out in the HOH. James giggles loudly and says, "What a hero!" Meg laughs and says that she's tempted to use the POV on Clay if she happens to win just to make sure Shelli goes home. Jackie laughs, but James tells her not to do that because then he'll have to put someone up in Clay's place. Meg understands, but boy wouldn't it be funny to take Clay off and destroy his sacrifice for love. Yes! Yes it would be hysterical.
Do you want more details on all that went down yesterday? Of course you do! Do you want witty repartee and Medieval porn? Of course you do! Well then be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show live tonight at 10pm. Follow me on twitter for links. Or if you can't listen tonight, then be sure to download later on iTunes. We'll be judging the Liz Impression Contest which, from what I've heard of the submissions, will be HYSTERICAL. See you then!
Please to enjoy as you remember these two tragic souls...
Did you miss all the gorgeousness that took place yesterday? Oh my god, you silly fops! Today is the POV and believe you me, post comp will be magical. You have nothing to lose. One week free! Don't be left out.
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Friday, July 31, 2015
William Shakespeare once said, "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?" Ole Billy Shakes knew his shit. He knew that the primal instinct to avenge one's honor is something that cannot be ignored or laid to rest. Self preservation lies deep within each and every one of us. So when someone lies to our faces and plunges a sword deep into our flesh, the only natural response is to pull out the sword, dust off one's trousers, and then plunge it back into the heart of our foe. Then again, the Big Brother house is full of plastic knives. Let's recap, shall we?
First things first, Jason slept for the past month so back to collecting pennies to win a date with Tad Hamilton he goes. While that is sad, the best news of the night is that I have successfully put a stop to the Battle Of The Block! You're welcome Big Brother fans. I am simply here to serve.
This brings us to the first solo HOH comp. And it was an Endurance Comp to boot! Perched on a wooden plank and attached to a tilting wall, the HG's suffered through rain, guano, and possessed eagles straight out of a Hitchcock film. Steve dropped first followed by Austin, Julia, Meg, Jackie and Liz.
With Becky, Clay, Shelli, James and Johnny Mac left in the game, I threw another virgin on the fire, disrobed, and chanted under the Blue Moon (If you are unaware of the importance of the Blue Moon, I suggest you listen to the last Big Brother Gossip Show - live Saturdays at 10 pm or available for free on iTunes!). My goal this week, and all weeks, is to see Shelli march herself and her numerous hair pieces out the front door. There are many reasons why I want Shelli out of the house - she eats popcorn with a spoon, she's always rubbing on her son, her make-up application takes precedence over game talk, the HOH letter from her dog - but the main reason is the smugness. The entitlement. The "I'm better than you" air she cloaks herself in. Plus, I think it'll be hysterical for her to leave before Jury where Clay will be left to his own devices (and Julia).
And so, with a finger prick of blood dripping into my cauldron, I closed my eyes and called upon the Goddess to bless us. And bless us she did! Falling like dominoes Clay and Becky dropped. Shortly thereafter we lost Johnny Mac leaving us with only Shelli and James. Shelli, worried about being HOH for a third time, quickly made a deal with James that she and Clay won't be backdoored this week. Then she dropped and JAMES IS OUR HOH.
If you've been watching the Live Feeds, then you know that Jason left behind some very explicit instructions for James, Jackie and Meg. He basically told them that Clay and Shelli are running the house and need to get the hell out of Dodge ASAP. Will James remember this advice? Probably not. James is a flighty flippant doofus if we're being honest here. BUT Jackie is not so flighty. Jackie wants revenge for last week. And if Meg can manage to stay awake for more than 15 minutes at a time, I'm sure she wants revenge for Jason too. Let's hope these two ladies can keep James on the straight and narrow.
Meanwhile, Julia is now in the game and tensions with Austin are at an all time high. Julia finds Austin disgusting and untrustworthy. Liz is just like, "I knoooowwww, but he's in our alliance-uh." While Liz is happy to have Julia in the game, she's also a bit concerned about it. For starters, Liz is less than thrilled with how Julia was acting during the HOH. She cheered too loudly or something and Liz thought she was annoying-uh. Paranoia has set in with Liz regarding nominations so she's being extra careful about laying low this week. You see, she knows that James tried to throw the Battle Of The Block last week. In her mind, this means that he is sure to go after her (and maybe her sister too) this week. Little does she know that James has bigger fish to fry.
Up in the HOH with his best good friends Meg and Jackie, James is wondering who to target this week. Becky is also up in the HOH, but I wouldn't count her as one of James' best good friends. She's up there because she's a floater who switches her loyalty to whomever is in power. If you'll remember feedsters, she's been up Shelli and Clay's ass all week long, but now here she is up in the HOH counting herself part of James' alliance. She repeatedly says "What WE need to do... this is what WE should do." Becky, you are not WE. You are train debris.
Meg tells the group that if Shelli had won HOH, she would have definitely backdoored Jackie. Jackie, surprised, asks why. Meg tells her that Shelli is afraid of her. Meg then tells James that if she were HOH she'd put up Austin and Steve. James replies that Steve is going up no matter what, "I knew that as soon as I fell off the plank." Meg continues and says that when POV happens, James should pull off Steve and then put up Shelli. Liz and Julia, along with Becky, Jackie, and Meg, would vote to keep Austin. Clay and Vanessa would vote to keep Shelli. Becky then says, "We have to keep in mind that James can't play in HOH next week." Bitch, what are you talking about? Better yet, why are you even talking? Why are you in the HOH? Why do you think you're part of this group? Was that not you tonguing Vanessa's, Clay's, Shelli's asses yesterday? It makes me scream that she thinks she's a part of this group, but if she votes out Shelli I guess I'll have to get over it.
With the group in the HOH all hyped up and determined to avenge the memory of Jason, Meg reiterates that Clay and Shelli are a power couple. Jackie nods excitedly and launches into a tirade of fucks. "Fuck Shelli! They fucking blew it last week! They fucking screwed us over! I don't fucking care about them! They need to fucking go!" Well, fuck yeah! James then replies, "Basically what they did to us last week, we're doing to them." And there you have it. Shelli is the target. Will James follow through? Will Becky tattle to Clay and Shelli? Will Austin ever be alone in a room with Liz again? So many questions! Isn't it exciting?
This week is going to be great! You don't want to miss the Austin v. Julia drama. Get your free trial now!
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Thursday, July 9, 2015
My name is... WHAT
My name is... WHO
My name is SLIM JULIA!
Under the cover of night. Under the polyester of Ikea. Under so much stress she just couldn't handle it anymore! Julia, bony and pointy, covered her face with her hands and said the magic words.
Julia: "So who started this rumor that I'm like switching places with my twin?"
Vanessa: "Day. Is it true?"
Vanessa: "You can totally trust me. I just want to know if your sister will join our alliance."
Julia: "Vanessa? It's true."
Vanessa: "It's true?!"
Julia: "I'm gonna cry right now."
Vanessa: "No, no, no, no, shush."
Julia: "I know you won't tell anyone, but I've been dying!"
Vanessa: "I'm going to protect you. You have to tell me when you do your switch."
Vanessa: "People saw the birthmark on your back. They're going to be looking for it."
Vanessa: "You guys need to fucking figure that out. That shit never needs to show."
Julia: "I know. Oh my god."
Vanessa: "So that's how much I have your back. I just told you that."
Julia: "I know. I know."
Vanessa: "So give me your word you're going to be in with us."
Julia: "Of course. Of course!"
Vanessa: "So how long do you need to make it to?"
Julia: "Week 5."
Julia: "Let me just tell you. I'm not Liz. MY NAME IS FUCKING SLIM JULIA."
And boom! There it is. Vanessa listens to this and covers her mouth with her fist. The two start to giggle uncontrollably because, seriously, how weird is it to hear a bomb like that? The two then decide that Austin has no idea and that eventually they'll have to tell him. Vanessa advises her not to tell Day anything because "you can't fucking trust her." Vanessa then tells her not to sleep so much and to definitely wear more hats because her roots are different from Liz's. She asks when the next switch will be. Slim Julia tells her that Production controls it, but that she thinks a switch will take place tomorrow (i.e. TODAY).
With the magic of time and space, we fast forward about an hour. Slim Julia has given Vanessa permission to spill the beans to Shelli and Clay. And spill the beans she does! Shelli hears the confirmation and leaps into her bed with a creepy excitement. Clay, meanwhile, sits and smiles stupidly. Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia is only telling them and Austin. She goes on, "Dude, I was in that room for like an hour. She was almost crying and I was like laughing." Hmm, I don't like this side of Vanessa. This report-everything-to-the-King-and-Queen-of-the-castle-Vanessa. Here I am waiting this whole time for her to start playing the game and who does she finally hook up with? The Dollanganger chuckleheads up in the HOH.
Shelli is ecstatic not only with this revelation, but with the fact that Vanessa is dutifully bringing her the information she so desires. I gotta tell ya, it sets my teeth permanently on edge watching Shelli happy. You have no idea how much I can't stand that girl. Vanessa then goes on to tell them that if both Liz & Slim Julia join the game, it's another number for them. Shelli beams and high fives Vanessa, "I love you!" Vanessa reiterates that she's trusting them and that she has a plan for how to go forward.
Slim Julia knows she can't make it to Week 5 without other people's support in the house. Vanessa tells Shelli that she and Day are the most perceptive people in the house and they catch visual clues more than anyone else. Shelli interrupts, "I like it!" SHUT. UP. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Vanessa continues that the alliance is Shelli, Clay, herself, Austin and then Liz and Slim Julia. It's really just the first four, but Liz and Slim Julia are extra votes. Shelli comments again, "This is so amazing." The girl can't help but interrupt. She HAS to get her word heard. She can't just sit and listen. She needs to take that entitled ownership she has about everything and pollute the universe with her nonsense. Let's remember - she was one of the LAST people to find out about the Twin Thing yet she has taken control of it like it was her discovery.
OK so Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia gets 30 minutes notice before the switch is going to happen. When that 30 minutes comes, the three of them are going to have to do some kind of distraction. AGAIN, Shelli interrupts by clapping her stupid hands, "This is so amazing!" Vanessa continues, "We're going to have to be strategic about this and help her. You (Shelli) have to talk details with her and help with, I don't know, her fucking back mole thing. She says she has a birthmark and her sister doesn't. You have to help her with that and also with the answers she's getting wrong. The discrepancies. She wants you to tell her so she can fix it and get the stories straight and come up with an excuse." Shelli moans, "I feel bad because I was trying to throw her under the bus." Vanessa says that Slim Julia is the skinnier one with more roots. Shelli adds, "You know what else? She's also breaking out and they're going to notice that. I don't want to be like, 'You have a pimple.'" Vanessa replies, "You're almost going to have to be brutally honest about stuff like that." And yet again, Shelli adds, "This is AMAZING!" I'll show you what's amazing. Your dismembered body in the Storage Room freezer. THAT'S amazing.
When Shelli started singing about her place in the game is when I had enough so I'll end this here for today. Kind of a crazy night in the house. I've got some more flashing back to do myself today. Apparently, Audrey tried to join forces with Day and flip all the votes. I mean, what?! The Evil Queen is up to her tricks again. Only, I've had a change of heart. I'm starting to like this Evil Queen and her instinctual need to lie and manipulate every second of the day. She's pathological. She's sociopathic. She's loca in the cabeza and it's pretty nuts to watch.
You gotta witness the magic (or evil) for yourself. Get of your keisters and get yourself some Live Feeds already! With new HOH's tonight - PLEASE let Audrey be one of them - it's going to be a drama filled evening. What are you waiting for?!
And if you need to do any shopping at Amazon for anything at all, I ask that you please get there via any of my links on the right hand side of the page. Thanks bitches!
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Tia and Tamara, Mary Kate and Ashley, Matthew and Gunnar... since the beginning of time, twins have delighted and fascinated. Sometimes they speak secret languages. Other times they meet at sleep away camp and switch places. But whatever hijinks a set of identical twins find themselves embroiled in, it is guaranteed to be a laugh a minute romp. The same is true, here, in the Big Brother House. Production secretly plopped in the most fraternal looking of identical twins and the house has rebelled. It has become a united burping farting life force - like that house in Poltergeist - and it wants those twins out. OUT! Hold on to your shared placentas, bitches, it's time for a recap!
Before we get to all the overnight shenanigans, let's take care of some light housekeeping. Our HOH Shelli had nominated Johnny Mac and Day for eviction. Johnny Mac won the POV and removed himself from the block. Shelli has (thank god!) put Merry Meg up in his place. I am not a fan of thee faire Merry Meg. Her incessant smiles and constant need to be in a supine position are signs of weakness in my eyes. She has yet to do anything interesting in the house and, therefore, I think her time would be better spent at the bottom of a lake with large cement blocks tied around her ankles.
Day on the block has sent cries of injustice throughout the BB fan base. It's like April in Baltimore out there in the #BB17 hashtag. Fans wondered if perhaps the Kathy Griffin Last Laugh Twist could save her. Day herself turned the camera on numerous occasions begging for a Coup D'etat or for Haymitch to send her some ointment for her burns. Look, I want Day to stay too. I find her to be incredibly entertaining, but I don't want there to be any cheating! I hate it when Big Brother interferes. It is an insult to fans. Hello Clown Shoe?! What I do want is for Day to get off her ass and start playing the game. I want her to campaign for votes and make deals. She is most certainly not in an impossible position. With a little hard work and smooth talking anyone can find a way to save themselves, but it requires effort. Effort that Day doesn't seem all that willing to give.
This brings us to yesterday when the feeds when down for a spell in the middle of the afternoon. Was this it? Was this the Last Laugh? Yes, indeedy it was. We don't really know how it worked or exactly what went down, but we do know that Day got the 7th call which means that she gets to nix 3 votes. Day's victory made Clay think that the game is rigged. And, let's face it, it is a tad convenient that Day won, what sounded like to me, a game of chance. But you know me, I think everything is a conspiracy with Production's sticky syrup-y fingers all over it. Conspiracy Corner!
Nonetheless! Day won the Twist. Some fans think it'll save her. Others think it won't make a lick of difference because she still doesn't have the votes to stay. My opinion is somewhere in the middle I guess. The Twist victory certainly helps, but Day still needs 5 votes. I think they're perfectly feasible to get, but not unless she gets off her ass and starts campaigning.
And this brings us to yesterday afternoon when, all of a sudden, Day mentions that she thinks Liz is two people. Liz and Julia definitely switched places yesterday and Day has taken notice. She says that one of the twins is thicker than the other. One has a skinny face and the other one has a fat pie face. Day takes her theory to Jason who wholeheartedly agrees with her. Jason says that one of the Liz's talks to him and the other one doesn't. Plus, he's noticed that one doesn't fit into her jeans quite as well as the other one does. The two decide to question Liz on earlier conversations that have taken place in order to trip her up.
If we fast forward a bit into the night, Jason has now become obsessed with this twin thing. He is absolutely convinced that there is a Skinny Liz and Chunky Liz. Day had originally wanted to keep her discovery on the down low in case she could use it , but young Jason is the chatty type and the lad needs to gossip. He heads into the Have-Not and awakens Merry Meg from her 85th nap of the day. He tells her awl about Skinny Liz and Chunky Liz and how Chunky Liz is much nicer than Skinny Liz. Merry Meg widens her eyes at this information. Day then enters and confirms that two Liz's are running amok. Even their eye color is different. They tell Merry Meg to study Liz closely. Ok hold up! Of all the people to tell about Liz, why would you tell the other bitch on the block? I haven't the foggiest how this twin revelation can help Day stay in the game, but I feel like it was a little reckless to tell Merry Meg. If your ass is on the line, you should use any advantage you have to get votes to stay. Am I crazy?
Fast forwarding even more into the wee hours of the morn, the Twin Twist is still in the forefront of Day and Jason's mind. Especially Jason's. He just can't wait to squeal and spill the tea. Sitting in the backyard we have Jason, Day, Jeff, Merry Meg, James and Jackie. Jason begins by clapping his hands and jumping up and down. He starts, "Day came to me and said this bitch..." And then the feeds go down and go to Jerf. WHAT ARE YOU DOING PRODUCTION?! GODDAMN YOU!!!
Almost a full two minutes later, the feeds return. Jason is still kicking and screaming all over the place, "They-ah's two of 'em! They-ah's two of 'em!" James suddenly recalls a conversation he once had with Liz where she said she had a sister who looked like her. Jason chimes in, "I bet she does!" Doofus Jeff interrupts and asks, "Wait, are we just being conspiracy theorists?" Merry Meg replies, "No! We might be crazy, but we're not that crazy." She then tells a story about how one Liz didn't remember the details of a story once told to the other Liz. Day confirms they've tripped up Mystery Liz a bunch of times over inconsistencies in what she can recall. Listening to everyone compare stories, Jeff finally starts to believe them. Jason once again leaps up off the couch, "It's a fact! Look at awl the cam-rah's watchin' us!" Then Doofus Jeff asks, "Do you have a Sharpie? We can put a special mark on her." Everyone promptly laughs at the Doofus.
Day then takes it upon herself to describe in detail how the two Liz's are different. One has a more chunky face. The other has a more pointed nose. The Skinny One's eyes are... Jason then interrupts, "The Skinny One is he-ah tah-day. The fat one was he-ah yestah-day. They switched tah-day when they cawled her to the Diary Room. I am positive!" Day continues to try to explain the nuances of the Skinny vs. Chunky Liz differences, but Jason keeps interrupting her. He again jumps up and says that in Big Brother 5 if they made it 5 weeks, both twins get to come in and play the game. Listening to all of this James comes to a realization himself, "So that's why she's always sending me mixed signals." Dude, shut your hole! Neither Liz wants you! Neither Liz will ever want you.
They group continues to dissect Liz's memory skills. They tell Jeff how she couldn't remember who she played the night before on the podcast (the house does a fake podcast at night). They tried quizzing her and she couldn't remember until Jackie jumped in and gave her the answer. Apparently, in the last podcast Liz played a drunken Ellen. In tonight's podcast, Liz didn't participate at all. Jason says, "The fat one is funny. The skinny one is here to be in S.I. (Sports Illustrated)" Doofus Jeff says, "The fat one wants to get down." Jason immediately smacks him with a pillow, "We need to get these bitches out! This is the twist! No one wants to screw you!"
Merry Meg then chimes in that they should change the names from Fat Liz and Skinny Liz because those names are rude. Jason suggests Thighs Liz and No Thighs Liz.
The backyard conversation continues for another half hour, but let's leap ahead to where Doofus Jeff is in the HOH filling in Shelli and Clay on the Twin Twist. He tells them everything Day and Jason were saying out in the backyard about the differences between the two Liz's. Shelli says that every time the girls have a nail party, Liz always paints her nails the exact same color while the others switch up their colors. Shelli's voice begins to rise with her excitement, "This is so cool!" Shelli asks Jeff when he first began to notice all of this. Jeff says today because she wasn't as flirty as she usually use. Dude, you are a doofus! NO ONE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU. And let's not forget that Jeff thought this was all a conspiracy theory less than an hour ago. He's such a creeper.
So now that almost the entire house knows, they all meet at the Memory Wall to do some final investigating. It is unmistakable. There are TWO Liz's! The group giggles, high fives, jumps and whoops. Jason announces, "I'd bet my stipend on it!" It's a fun scene where the group is thinking up all sorts of funny ways to tell the Liz's apart. They could mark her, they could cut her hair, they could hide her shit, etc. If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, today is the day to do it. The house is bubbling with excitement over how they'll trip up Liz. Each HG is taking weird ownership over the discovery and is determined to prove the multiple Liz's once and for all. It's going to be awesome!
Don't miss a Liz minute!
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