Thursday, July 9, 2015

My Name Is Slim Julia



Hi!
My name is... WHAT
My name is... WHO
My name is SLIM JULIA!

Under the cover of night. Under the polyester of Ikea. Under so much stress she just couldn't handle it anymore! Julia, bony and pointy, covered her face with her hands and said the magic words.


Julia: "So who started this rumor that I'm like switching places with my twin?"
Vanessa: "Day. Is it true?"
Julia: "Um."
Vanessa: "You can totally trust me. I just want to know if your sister will join our alliance."
Julia: "Vanessa? It's true."
Vanessa: "It's true?!"
Julia: "I'm gonna cry right now."
Vanessa: "No, no, no, no, shush."
Julia: "I know you won't tell anyone, but I've been dying!"
Vanessa: "I'm going to protect you. You have to tell me when you do your switch."
Julia: "K"
Vanessa: "People saw the birthmark on your back. They're going to be looking for it."
Julia: "No?!"
Vanessa: "You guys need to fucking figure that out. That shit never needs to show."
Julia: "I know. Oh my god."
Vanessa: "So that's how much I have your back. I just told you that."
Julia: "I know. I know."
Vanessa: "So give me your word you're going to be in with us."
Julia: "Of course. Of course!"
Vanessa: "So how long do you need to make it to?"
Julia: "Week 5."
Vanessa: "Shit."
Julia: "Let me just tell you. I'm not Liz. MY NAME IS FUCKING SLIM JULIA."



And boom! There it is. Vanessa listens to this and covers her mouth with her fist. The two start to giggle uncontrollably because, seriously, how weird is it to hear a bomb like that? The two then decide that Austin has no idea and that eventually they'll have to tell him. Vanessa advises her not to tell Day anything because "you can't fucking trust her." Vanessa then tells her not to sleep so much and to definitely wear more hats because her roots are different from Liz's. She asks when the next switch will be. Slim Julia tells her that Production controls it, but that she thinks a switch will take place tomorrow (i.e. TODAY).


With the magic of time and space, we fast forward about an hour. Slim Julia has given Vanessa permission to spill the beans to Shelli and Clay. And spill the beans she does! Shelli hears the confirmation and leaps into her bed with a creepy excitement. Clay, meanwhile, sits and smiles stupidly. Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia is only telling them and Austin. She goes on, "Dude, I was in that room for like an hour. She was almost crying and I was like laughing." Hmm, I don't like this side of Vanessa. This report-everything-to-the-King-and-Queen-of-the-castle-Vanessa. Here I am waiting this whole time for her to start playing the game and who does she finally hook up with? The Dollanganger chuckleheads up in the HOH.


Shelli is ecstatic not only with this revelation, but with the fact that Vanessa is dutifully bringing her the information she so desires. I gotta tell ya, it sets my teeth permanently on edge watching Shelli happy. You have no idea how much I can't stand that girl. Vanessa then goes on to tell them that if both Liz & Slim Julia join the game, it's another number for them. Shelli beams and high fives Vanessa, "I love you!" Vanessa reiterates that she's trusting them and that she has a plan for how to go forward.

Slim Julia knows she can't make it to Week 5 without other people's support in the house. Vanessa tells Shelli that she and Day are the most perceptive people in the house and they catch visual clues more than anyone else. Shelli interrupts, "I like it!" SHUT. UP. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Vanessa continues that the alliance is Shelli, Clay, herself, Austin and then Liz and Slim Julia. It's really just the first four, but Liz and Slim Julia are extra votes. Shelli comments again, "This is so amazing." The girl can't help but interrupt. She HAS to get her word heard. She can't just sit and listen. She needs to take that entitled ownership she has about everything and pollute the universe with her nonsense. Let's remember - she was one of the LAST people to find out about the Twin Thing yet she has taken control of it like it was her discovery.


OK so Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia gets 30 minutes notice before the switch is going to happen. When that 30 minutes comes, the three of them are going to have to do some kind of distraction. AGAIN, Shelli interrupts by clapping her stupid hands, "This is so amazing!" Vanessa continues, "We're going to have to be strategic about this and help her. You (Shelli) have to talk details with her and help with, I don't know, her fucking back mole thing. She says she has a birthmark and her sister doesn't. You have to help her with that and also with the answers she's getting wrong. The discrepancies. She wants you to tell her so she can fix it and get the stories straight and come up with an excuse." Shelli moans, "I feel bad because I was trying to throw her under the bus." Vanessa says that Slim Julia is the skinnier one with more roots. Shelli adds, "You know what else? She's also breaking out and they're going to notice that. I don't want to be like, 'You have a pimple.'" Vanessa replies, "You're almost going to have to be brutally honest about stuff like that." And yet again, Shelli adds, "This is AMAZING!" I'll show you what's amazing. Your dismembered body in the Storage Room freezer. THAT'S amazing.

When Shelli started singing about her place in the game is when I had enough so I'll end this here for today. Kind of a crazy night in the house. I've got some more flashing back to do myself today. Apparently, Audrey tried to join forces with Day and flip all the votes. I mean, what?! The Evil Queen is up to her tricks again. Only, I've had a change of heart. I'm starting to like this Evil Queen and her instinctual need to lie and manipulate every second of the day. She's pathological. She's sociopathic. She's loca in the cabeza and it's pretty nuts to watch.

You gotta witness the magic (or evil) for yourself. Get of your keisters and get yourself some Live Feeds already! With new HOH's tonight - PLEASE let Audrey be one of them - it's going to be a drama filled evening. What are you waiting for?!

And if you need to do any shopping at Amazon for anything at all, I ask that you please get there via any of my links on the right hand side of the page. Thanks bitches!




Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Come Play With Us


Tia and Tamara, Mary Kate and Ashley, Matthew and Gunnar... since the beginning of time, twins have delighted and fascinated. Sometimes they speak secret languages. Other times they meet at sleep away camp and switch places. But whatever hijinks a set of identical twins find themselves embroiled in, it is guaranteed to be a laugh a minute romp. The same is true, here, in the Big Brother House. Production secretly plopped in the most fraternal looking of identical twins and the house has rebelled. It has become a united burping farting life force - like that house in Poltergeist - and it wants those twins out. OUT! Hold on to your shared placentas, bitches, it's time for a recap!

Before we get to all the overnight shenanigans, let's take care of some light housekeeping. Our HOH Shelli had nominated Johnny Mac and Day for eviction. Johnny Mac won the POV and removed himself from the block. Shelli has (thank god!) put Merry Meg up in his place. I am not a fan of thee faire Merry Meg. Her incessant smiles and constant need to be in a supine position are signs of weakness in my eyes. She has yet to do anything interesting in the house and, therefore, I think her time would be better spent at the bottom of a lake with large cement blocks tied around her ankles.


Day on the block has sent cries of injustice throughout the BB fan base. It's like April in Baltimore out there in the #BB17 hashtag. Fans wondered if perhaps the Kathy Griffin Last Laugh Twist could save her. Day herself turned the camera on numerous occasions begging for a Coup D'etat or for Haymitch to send her some ointment for her burns. Look, I want Day to stay too. I find her to be incredibly entertaining, but I don't want there to be any cheating! I hate it when Big Brother interferes. It is an insult to fans. Hello Clown Shoe?! What I do want is for Day to get off her ass and start playing the game. I want her to campaign for votes and make deals. She is most certainly not in an impossible position. With a little hard work and smooth talking anyone can find a way to save themselves, but it requires effort. Effort that Day doesn't seem all that willing to give.

This brings us to yesterday when the feeds when down for a spell in the middle of the afternoon. Was this it? Was this the Last Laugh? Yes, indeedy it was. We don't really know how it worked or exactly what went down, but we do know that Day got the 7th call which means that she gets to nix 3 votes. Day's victory made Clay think that the game is rigged. And, let's face it, it is a tad convenient that Day won, what sounded like to me, a game of chance. But you know me, I think everything is a conspiracy with Production's sticky syrup-y fingers all over it. Conspiracy Corner!

Nonetheless! Day won the Twist. Some fans think it'll save her. Others think it won't make a lick of difference because she still doesn't have the votes to stay. My opinion is somewhere in the middle I guess. The Twist victory certainly helps, but Day still needs 5 votes. I think they're perfectly feasible to get, but not unless she gets off her ass and starts campaigning.


And this brings us to yesterday afternoon when, all of a sudden, Day mentions that she thinks Liz is two people. Liz and Julia definitely switched places yesterday and Day has taken notice. She says that one of the twins is thicker than the other. One has a skinny face and the other one has a fat pie face. Day takes her theory to Jason who wholeheartedly agrees with her. Jason says that one of the Liz's talks to him and the other one doesn't. Plus, he's noticed that one doesn't fit into her jeans quite as well as the other one does. The two decide to question Liz on earlier conversations that have taken place in order to trip her up.

If we fast forward a bit into the night, Jason has now become obsessed with this twin thing. He is absolutely convinced that there is a Skinny Liz and Chunky Liz. Day had originally wanted to keep her discovery on the down low in case she could use it , but young Jason is the chatty type and the lad needs to gossip. He heads into the Have-Not and awakens Merry Meg from her 85th nap of the day. He tells her awl about Skinny Liz and Chunky Liz and how Chunky Liz is much nicer than Skinny Liz. Merry Meg widens her eyes at this information. Day then enters and confirms that two Liz's are running amok. Even their eye color is different. They tell Merry Meg to study Liz closely. Ok hold up! Of all the people to tell about Liz, why would you tell the other bitch on the block? I haven't the foggiest how this twin revelation can help Day stay in the game, but I feel like it was a little reckless to tell Merry Meg. If your ass is on the line, you should use any advantage you have to get votes to stay. Am I crazy?


Fast forwarding even more into the wee hours of the morn, the Twin Twist is still in the forefront of Day and Jason's mind. Especially Jason's. He just can't wait to squeal and spill the tea. Sitting in the backyard we have Jason, Day, Jeff, Merry Meg, James and Jackie. Jason begins by clapping his hands and jumping up and down. He starts, "Day came to me and said this bitch..." And then the feeds go down and go to Jerf. WHAT ARE YOU DOING PRODUCTION?! GODDAMN YOU!!!




Almost a full two minutes later, the feeds return. Jason is still kicking and screaming all over the place, "They-ah's two of 'em! They-ah's two of 'em!" James suddenly recalls a conversation he once had with Liz where she said she had a sister who looked like her. Jason chimes in, "I bet she does!" Doofus Jeff interrupts and asks, "Wait, are we just being conspiracy theorists?" Merry Meg replies, "No! We might be crazy, but we're not that crazy." She then tells a story about how one Liz didn't remember the details of a story once told to the other Liz. Day confirms they've tripped up Mystery Liz a bunch of times over inconsistencies in what she can recall. Listening to everyone compare stories, Jeff finally starts to believe them. Jason once again leaps up off the couch, "It's a fact! Look at awl the cam-rah's watchin' us!" Then Doofus Jeff asks, "Do you have a Sharpie? We can put a special mark on her." Everyone promptly laughs at the Doofus.


Day then takes it upon herself to describe in detail how the two Liz's are different. One has a more chunky face. The other has a more pointed nose. The Skinny One's eyes are... Jason then interrupts, "The Skinny One is he-ah tah-day. The fat one was he-ah yestah-day. They switched tah-day when they cawled her to the Diary Room. I am positive!" Day continues to try to explain the nuances of the Skinny vs. Chunky Liz differences, but Jason keeps interrupting her. He again jumps up and says that in Big Brother 5 if they made it 5 weeks, both twins get to come in and play the game. Listening to all of this James comes to a realization himself, "So that's why she's always sending me mixed signals." Dude, shut your hole! Neither Liz wants you! Neither Liz will ever want you.


They group continues to dissect Liz's memory skills. They tell Jeff how she couldn't remember who she played the night before on the podcast (the house does a fake podcast at night). They tried quizzing her and she couldn't remember until Jackie jumped in and gave her the answer. Apparently, in the last podcast Liz played a drunken Ellen. In tonight's podcast, Liz didn't participate at all. Jason says, "The fat one is funny. The skinny one is here to be in S.I. (Sports Illustrated)" Doofus Jeff says, "The fat one wants to get down." Jason immediately smacks him with a pillow, "We need to get these bitches out! This is the twist! No one wants to screw you!"


Merry Meg then chimes in that they should change the names from Fat Liz and Skinny Liz because those names are rude. Jason suggests Thighs Liz and No Thighs Liz.


The backyard conversation continues for another half hour, but let's leap ahead to where Doofus Jeff is in the HOH filling in Shelli and Clay on the Twin Twist. He tells them everything Day and Jason were saying out in the backyard about the differences between the two Liz's. Shelli says that every time the girls have a nail party, Liz always paints her nails the exact same color while the others switch up their colors. Shelli's voice begins to rise with her excitement, "This is so cool!" Shelli asks Jeff when he first began to notice all of this. Jeff says today because she wasn't as flirty as she usually use. Dude, you are a doofus! NO ONE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU. And let's not forget that Jeff thought this was all a conspiracy theory less than an hour ago. He's such a creeper.



So now that almost the entire house knows, they all meet at the Memory Wall to do some final investigating. It is unmistakable. There are TWO Liz's! The group giggles, high fives, jumps and whoops. Jason announces, "I'd bet my stipend on it!" It's a fun scene where the group is thinking up all sorts of funny ways to tell the Liz's apart. They could mark her, they could cut her hair, they could hide her shit, etc. If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, today is the day to do it. The house is bubbling with excitement over how they'll trip up Liz. Each HG is taking weird ownership over the discovery and is determined to prove the multiple Liz's once and for all. It's going to be awesome!

Don't miss a Liz minute!



And, don't forget, if you need to do any shopping at Amazon, I'd appreciate you getting there via any of my links on the right hand side of the page. Thanks!

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Salute The Goddamn Flag



Happy Good Times and Noodle Salad Day! In my neck of the woods, it's raining cats and bitches. BUT it is still a National Holiday so I shall treat it as such - with laziness and complacency. Let's phone in this recap, shall we?

When we last left off, both Shelli and Becky were HOH. Shelli had nominated Day and Johnny Mac while Becky nominated Jason and Steve. But, after yesterday's Battle Of The Block we have a new scenario. Jason and Steve won the BOB thus removing themselves from the block and dethroning Becky. That means we are left with Clay Shelli as our HOH and Day and Johnny Mac up for eviction.

Shelli as HOH, to put it mildly, SUCKS. First off, she is myopic and boring. Her target for her reign  is Day and no one can talk her out of it. Even worse is her reasoning. She wants to evict Day because they "haven't made a connection." She's playing Big Brother as if she was on The Bachelor. Day is volatile, a horrible social player, shitty at comps, and will eventually piss everyone off. That's someone you keep in the house because that's someone you can beat. Instead, Shelli simply isn't feeling the passion so now Day has to go.


Being on the block brings out the worst in Day. As much as I like her for her Live Feed drama and her forthrightness, she is literally the WORST social player ever. While fussing around with her belongings in the Have-Not she mumbled to herself and insisted that she was going to be evicted. James and Jeff looked on and tried to offer her words of support, but Day shut them down and snapped at them, "If either of you win POV, you're not using it on me." What the hell? Instead of reprimanding them for something that hasn't happened yet, why not try to work with them and get them on your side? The POV hasn't even taken place and she's snapping at people all pissed off that they won't save her with the POV they haven't yet won. If you keep acting like you're going to lose and go home, then you will lose and go home.

Having received the message from Day loud and clear, the universe responded in kind. Johnny Mac has won the POV. Naturally, he was excited and thrilled about it. Day, not so much.

Shelli, staying on her straight and narrow, still won't waver. She wants Day out to the point that the bitch had the nerve to ask Johnny Mac NOT to use his POV. Johnny Mac wisely told her to kick rocks.


Now Shelli has to figure out who to put up in Johnny Mac's place, but it has to be someone who will at the same time secure Day's demise. She refuses to put up Becky because she feels that since Becky won HOH she should be safe this week. There are a bunch of other people she won't put up for a myriad of dumb ass reasons. I can't remember her reasons for not putting up Meg or Jackie, but, trust me, they were stupid. That much I do know. At one point, Clay even offered to go on the block because he's positive he has the votes to stay. This put Shelli into a panic - "I'm not putting you up! I'm giving you the final rose!" Ugh. Last I saw before I turned off the feeds in disgust, it looked like Liz was going to be the replacement nominee.

Others in the house would prefer that Audrey goes up and then out. And this is where something very interesting happens. On the topic of Audrey, Shelli says, "I'm not going to be the one to send the transgender her home." Political fucking correctness has infected the game. Audrey being transgender has been a total nonissue up until now, up until the moment where she might actually have to be voted out. Now it's an issue. Shelli is fine voting Audrey out under someone else's HOH, but she feels that she'll be seen as a villain if it happens under her reign.


And this brings me to something else. Remember when Kathy Griffin was on the broadcast? Chenbot asked her who she wanted to win and she replied, "Audrey, of course, because she's transgender." Wait, what? That's bullshit. How about replying, "Audrey, because she's a great player." Or, "Audrey, because she's manipulating the entire house." Or even, "Audrey, because she's so entertaining on the feeds." Kathy Griffin wanting Audrey to win because she's transgender is the same as saying you want someone to win because they're straight or they're white or they have brown hair. It was a stupid statement that perpetuates judgment and stereotypes and separation. Giving Audrey special treatment doesn't do her any favors. It does the opposite. It highlights her difference. How about we treat everyone equal? How about that as a novel idea? Equality! Gay, straight, transgender, black, white, whatever - WE ARE ALL EQUAL.


Now everyone stand up and salute the goddamn flag!

What a perfect place to end this here little bloggy blog on today, our Nation's day of Independence. Happy Fourth of July, bitches! Be safe. Don't drink and drive. And, most importantly, do lots of drunken shopping at Amazon via my links at the right hand side of the page. Click on any of my Amazon links to get there and then go nuts. Shop, shop, shop!

This is definitely going to be an interesting week in the house. Missing it would be a crime!

Friday, July 3, 2015

Escar-go-to-hell


What do you get when you put a girl who lost her face to an oncoming train in power with a girl who doesn't know how to piece two words together? A whole lot of nothing! That's what you get. Houseguests, you've got to give me something to work with. That's my one rule. Entertain me and I will write about you. Bore me and the glitter queen gets a day off filled with frolicking, cavorting and, quite possibly, day drinking. Let's try to recap, shall we?


Alright, so Shelli ("Wait, is that my name? Can you ask me another question instead? I'm drawing a blank") and Becky ("Whoopsie daisy, my nose fell off again.") are our two HOH's. Shelli wants to target Day while Becky would prefer to go after Audrey. Not only are their targets different, but their plans are different as well. Shelli has decided to straight up nominate Johnny Mac and Day. She's hoping that Johnny Mac will throw the BOB which leaves Day on the block and susceptible to eviction. Becky, on the other hand, has decided to nominate Steve and Jason in the hopes of backdooring Audrey and sending her and the roots of her shady tree on out the door. More on that later.


Since Becky has decided to nominate Steve a-gain, she has some 'splaining to do. Firstly though, I need to tell you about The Elephant. Becky has mysteriously decided to refer to Audrey as "The Elephant." Out of all of the animals in the animal kingdom, why an elephant? An elephant is a symbol of loyalty, strength and patience. Did you know that baby elephants stay with their mothers for at least 16 years? They're slow moving, majestic and not necessarily Chatty Cathy Lizzie Borden's like our Evil Queen Audrey. I would think a parrot or maybe an owl would be a wiser choice, don't you? Both are incessant and have a tendency to ask the same questions over and over again just like our Audrey.


Anyhow, poor defenseless Steve is back on the block and he is as flummoxed about it as we are. Becky explains that he was seen in the same room as Audrey and that is as good as guilty as far as this house goes. Steve replies, "I was just, you know, being human and standing in a room. That's all." Becky insists that it wasn't her idea that Steve and Audrey are in some super secret standing in the same room alliance. She says it came from other people. Other people she will not name. But trust, they are out there. All around us. OTHER PEOPLE. Oh stick a sock in it, Becky. Nominate whoever the hell you want, but don't coat it in foam latex and face putty.

As for Shelli, if Day manages to get off the block, then she'd like to target Jason instead. Day and Jason together are bad new bears and need to be split up as soon as possible. Having said that, Shelli is also totally down with getting rid of Audrey. We all know Audrey to be annoying and deceitful, but did you know that she is balls out malicious as well? If you'll recall on 'Tally Me Banana', there was a rumor of an all girl's alliance going around the house. In order to show allegiance to one another (and their dark lord), the girls would dress all in black. Well, Audrey Of The Devil People decided to take that word "black" and turn it into a racist thing. This bitch went around the house suggesting that Becky had formed a pseudo Ku Klux Klan who dresses all in black in order to hide their Confederate Flag underwear.

This is so fucked up - to turn something completely innocuous and innocent (and not to mention untrue) into something most reviled and, moreover, to pin it on someone who has done nothing wrong.

You and I and everyone else knows that the worst thing you can be called on a TV show is "racist." People lose their jobs over such accusations - whether they're true or not. They're cast out of the community, deal with death threats, and pretty much have their lives ruined. But here comes Audrey taking something not even remotely racist and twisting it into an ugly and untrue accusation all in an effort to shift the heat from herself to an innocent person. What surprises me most about this is that it stems from a person who has probably dealt with her fair share of gross and unfounded lies about herself throughout a good part of her life. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for lying in Big Brother. I even support manipulation and deceit within the confines of the game. What I don't appreciate is the blatant malice behind the deed. To purposely malign Becky's character in such a way when you know, and believe me, you know, Audrey, that Becky did NOT form a racist girl's alliance.


And even the way Audrey suggested it was just so slimy. It was a few nights ago when Jace was looking for some help and votes. Audrey slithered her hands up to her neck as she is often wont to do and says, "Well, there is this thing I know about Becky, but..." And then her voice trailed off waiting for whomever she was talking with to ask, "What? What about Becky?" Blech! Ick! Flergle! It was so smarmy. On second thought, a good animal to compare Audrey to would be the simple snail. She leaves behind a trail of goo and hideousness wherever she goes. And when she's threatened or senses that all of her lies and manipulations are about to bounce back in her direction, she cowers in her bed/shell until the predators forget she's around. But she'll return. She'll return to leave her gelatinous pathways in her wake.

So as of right now, Becky is on the warpath to get rid of Audrey while Shelli is off canoodling in a bed somewhere with Clay trying to form sentences. Day and Jason are furious that they are up for nomination and can't believe that Audrey is getting another pass - especially after proving how heinous she is. It looks like, for the most part, Becky is keeping her plan to target Audrey under wraps. She has told Steve and Jason to kick ass and win the BOB. It's a little bit confusing because Shelli is also quite vocal about how sketchy Audrey was spreading that rumor about Becky yet she's still going full throttle on trying to get Day out of the house. The way I see it, both girls want things to go their way and there is a definite divide between them. Shelli and her band of merry idiots are gunning for Day while Becky and whoever else is left is on Mission Audrey.


Personally, I'm not ready to lose either lady yet. I despise Audrey with every fiber of my being but she's a troublemaker and I could do with a few more weeks of that. As far as Day, we definitely can't lose her this soon. I can see her crushing the BOB today, can't you? You know what else I can see? That Kathy Griffin telephone ringing for the 7th time just as Audrey is walking by it. Clown shoe, anyone?

BOB is going to be HUGE today. You definitely don't want to miss the aftermath! At just $5.99, you have zero excuses not to sign up. I predict a glorious weekend of insanity. And, don't forget, if you have any Amazon shopping needs for whatever products strike your fancy, please click to get there through my links on the right. Thanks bitches!