Friday, July 25, 2014

Meth Attack

(A Parisian night, 1892)

My great grandmother Nightingale Honeypot Lala was a fighter. A fighter! She fought against adversity in a tightly wound corseted world. When women sipped tea, she chugged gin. When men came calling, she tied them to her bed posts with an exquisite piece of old lace. She was a spitfire, that Nightie. My aunt Seraphima Biddy Lala was no slouch herself. She invented glitter. One night while she was shit faced with Toulouse-Lautrec in the 18th arrondissement, the sand she always held in her pockets (Virginia Woolf was a close friend) accidentally fell into her absinthe glass and created the most sparkling, the most shimmering, the most gleamingly brilliant chartreuse-colored tiny particles. Together, Toulouse and SerĂ¡ (for short) tossed her new invention off the top of the Eiffel Tower blanketing Paris in the most scintillating and majestic sparkle the city had ever seen. It is for these two women that I blog... and drink and throw glitter when I am joyful. Never forget where you come from, dear readers. Unless, of course, you're in the throes of a nationally televised game and ANY OUTSIDE INFORMATION AND ALLOWANCES ARE JUST PLAIN CHEATING!!! Let's recap, shall we?

OK so this is going to be short and sweet today for two reasons. Both of which are - Zach is insane! But I'm jumping ahead a bit. Here is what we know: Zach and Frankie have won HOH. Frankie won because he had an incredibly unfair sympathy advantage which has most likely already guaranteed him a final 3 position. Don't even get me started on this giant clusterfuck. But believe you me, I will have a shit load to say about it tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. I have yet to do one of my epic rants and, I don't know, tomorrow just feels right. Don't miss it! Saturday at 10pm. Follow me on Twitter for links and iTunes info.

I'm going to try my best to summarize the labyrinth of crazy that took place last night so follow along if you can. When the feeds turned back on, Frankie was in full Frankie mode. He's oh so grateful for getting to receive yet another letter from home in addition to getting photos of his now deceased grandfather. Death is sad. Obviously. But we're also playing a game here, folks. A game where you're locked away from the outside world. A game where everyone should have the exact same chance as the next person to win. A game where production shouldn't bend to the ranting and raving of mentally incompetent fans on twitter. A game where one player shouldn't be allowed to give a 25 minute soliloquy to the viewing public.


So Frankie is sad and moved and grateful and once again giving an abridged version of that Oscar speech he practices in the mirror ever so often back at home. Obviously, I ignored every bit of this nightmare and decided to focus of Zach. Crazy - like Meth Crazy - Zach. You know how meth addicts like to take things like telephones and radios apart when they're high? Well, Zach likes to take apart the entire Big Brother game. He is the personification of a loose cannon. It is a wonder that he sleeps as much as he does because when he's awake, he's firing on all cylinders and giving everyone, viewers included, crazy anxiety.

Zach's grand master flash plan is to backdoor Caleb. Frankie seems to be on board with it, but who the hell knows. He's still thanking ole Jebediah Scrimples Grande for inventing air. In order for Zach to backdoor Caleb, he wants to nominate someone who will throw the BOB comp and keep Amber on the block. I know, I know, it's odd. Ideally, he wants to nominate Christine and Amber and have Christine throw the comp. That way Frankie gets to stay HOH, Amber stays on the block, possibly removes herself and Caleb goes up in her place. As any Big Brother fan can see, there are a lot of problems with this plan. What if Caleb gets picked to play in POV and wins? He'll take Amber off making them both safe which will undoubtedly make Zach a target next week. But that, my friends, is common sense. And we're talking about Zach here - where common sense doesn't exist.

Zach refuses to put up Victoria because he's finally gotten back into her good graces. He also refuses to put up Donny because Donny has been a pawn way too many times already. Then there's Christine. Zach is annoyed beyond belief that Christine has yet to do anything for the alliance - for any alliance! - Bomb Squad, Detonators, Douche Canoes, what have you. Zach firmly believes that Christine needs to prove her loyalty and agree to throw the BOB comp. The problem is that Christine says, "No way Jose!" She's seen the show too many times to throw a comp.

There were also some discussion about Zach putting up Hayden and maybe Nicole or maybe someone in Production. Maybe they'll agree to Zach's cockamamie plans. At one point Zach even had the balls to hint to Caleb that he should go on the block and throw the comp himself. Caleb simply batted his beastmode Covergirl eyelashes and said, "No siree bob." He's done with volunteering and he'll never do it again. Which brings us back to Christine. Zach hates her. All she does is giggle and flirt with Cody. She does nothing for the alliance and she needs to prove her loyalty.

Christine, the big mouth that she is, naturally goes to spill everything to her best good friend Nicole. Nicole kind of listens to it all and shrugs her shoulders. You see, Nicole has more important things on her mind - like keeping her own ass off the block.

So after hours of Zach flitting this way and that asking everyone to throw the BOB comp and then getting more heated and angry when everyone refuses, Zach decides he'll put up Christine and Amber. HOWEVER, there is one little problem with this. Princess Amber has told everyone that if she goes on the block again, she'll out the alliance and sing like a canary. Obviously, this scares the crap out of Pussy (Cody). He tells Zach, "You can't put her up! She'll out the alliance!" Zach replies, "To who, Victoria? Everyone already knows about the Bomb Squad." Pussy then popped a couple of Midols and placed a heating pad on his ovaries.

Zach then announces that he is adamant that he will not put up Nicole, Victoria or Donny. Until, that is, he talks to Nicole. He tells Nicole how he wants Christine to throw the comp, then have Amber win the POV so he can send Caleb home. Nicole listens and whines, "But I don't think you should put me up." Huh? Bitch, he wasn't talking about you! Nicole's M.O. in the game is to talk shit about everyone else in that godforsaken voice of hers and then whine whenever her name is mentioned. It's brutal.

After his talk with Nicole, Zach wonders if maybe he should just put up Nicole and Hayden and have Hayden throw the comp so they can backdoor Amber.  (I'm so fucking confused) I thought his target was Caleb, but now it might be Amber. Next it'll be Nona so she can join Grandpa. *throws hands in the air*


So while Zach is going ape shit insane pacing back and forth while wearing his HOH robe and hollering about getting Carrie-sized buckets of blood on his hands, the rest of his alliance is nervous. Frankie doesn't want to nominate Jocasta and Victoria. In all honesty, he'd rather not nominate anyone because he's a coward afraid to hurt anyone's feelings. Meanwhile, Pussy is scared that somehow all of this will backfire and make him a target (huh?) while Caleb, sweet Caleb, sits in the Hive busily carving a portrait of Amber into his arm with a plastic knife. It's madness, I tell you!

After more craziness with everyone and their dead grandfather being considered as options, Zach seems to have decided to nominate Christine and Nicole (Hey, what the hell happened to Amber?). His plan is to give an epic speech where he compares Christine to JennCity and says, "If you look up 'floater' in the dictionary, there will be a picture of you and JennCity holding hands." *giggles* He then plans on telling Nicole that she's a dingus froot loop of a super fan. I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I love the sound of it.

So where does that leave us? Hell if I know! One thing I can guarantee is lots of fireworks after Zach delivers his nominations today. No matter who he decides on, he'll deliver it in a way that only the Zach Attack can and people - probably everyone - are going to be pissed off. Bless his heart.

So, did you understand one word of what went on last night? Is Zach an evil genius putting on an act? Or does he simply need to up his Ritalin prescription? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Big Pussy



Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
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Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.


Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*


Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.


But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!


Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

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Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.


And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.


Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."


After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.


Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.


And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"



Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Kick Out The Jams


In the classic romantic comedy based on the book of the same name, Practical Magic documents a love lost and a love found. Set by the sea in a quaint picturesque Northeastern town amongst white picket fences and lazily statuesque Victorian manors, Practical Magic teaches us to let go and let love happen. It also teaches us how to hex judgmental tightwads who choose to live in their own misery over a life of open-minded acceptance. In the words of Evan Rachel Wood's character, Kylie, "I hope you get... *points dramatically* chicken pox!"

After a whirlwind couple of weeks in which I zapped the flu by swallowing raw garlic, flew back and forth to L.A. within 4 days, and suffered a subsequent vicious migraine attack making light and sound mortal enemies, I am back. To those of you who follow me on social media and have been incredibly understanding, I thank you. To those of you who decided to send me hate messages for not blogging suggesting that I never write again, a pox on your families. No, I didn't quit. No, I haven't lost interest. I was working. W-O-R-K-I-N-G. I realize this might be a foreign concept for homebound cat ladies who can't get up from their couches on their own accord, but there you go. That is the reason for my recent absence. Next time, instead of jumping to conclusions and calling me names, why don't you simply check my Twitter, Facebook and, yes, Instagram (where I posted photos while ON the airplane)? There are links to follow me on any and all of these platforms on the right hand side of this blog. If you are unfamiliar which way is right, it is this way ------>>>>

For the next couple of weeks, things should be back to normal. I thank you for your patience, your understanding, and your human decency. Again, to the assholes who chose another route, may you get a vicious case of the scurvy.


Before we recap, let's take care of some odds and ends. First up, the FitBitch (commonly known as a FitBit)! I have been a strong proponent for all things FitBitch for almost 8 months now. I've encouraged many of you to get one, friend me, and lovingly compete with me. It is a ton of fun, gets you moving and is a great way to get off your couches. Why, you may ask, am I even talking about this? Well, guess what? The Houseguests got FitBitches! Big Brother is tracking their movements and will use their results to determine Haves and Have-Nots. If you too would like to join in the fun and compete with my Big Brother Gossip Show co-hosts and myself, be sure to click on the link on the right (that way ---->). Let me know (in the comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter) when you have it and I'll tell you how to friend me and others. We're all obsessed and with the release of the new Tory Burch bands, we're even MORE obsessed.

With all of that gobbledygook out of the way, let's recap shall we?


OK so the big reward/punishment POV has finally reared its familiar face and the results are: Victoria won POV, Caleb took $5K over the POV, Zach won a trip to Germany, Nicole has to wear a Germatard (which I assumed was a bottle of Purell, but is actually a lederhosen), Cody has to kick himself in the ass whenever "Penalty Kick!" blares throughout the house and Brittany has to kick 2400 goals in 24 hours or else she can't play in the next POV.

First, let's discuss that crazy kooky beast mode cowboy Caleb. Caleb is largely disliked amongst the BB fanbase, but I love him. Love him! He's delusional, narcissistic, ridiculous and probably a creepy stalker who collects used women's underwear and stores them under the floorboards of his bedroom. What's not to love?! And in typical Caleb fashion, right after he won the $5K he wandered around the house declaring, "I'm the richest person in the house now!" Yes indeedy you are, Caleb. Rich with cray-cray. Never change, my love. And joy, yesterday he added a new riff to his POV monologues. He is now extremely angry with himself for not taking the trip to Germany instead of the money. Why, you ask? Well, it's because if he won that trip to Germany he could take his lady friend Amber with him. Haha! Naturally, all of this is quite annoying to the other Houseguests making some of them wonder if perhaps Caleb should go home this week over Brittany. Don't you dare do that, HG's! I need my crazy! I will be lost without Caleb in the house to entertain me.


Next, let's talk about nails on a chalkboard Nicole. While dehydration and staring at an iPad with a crooked neck is probably to blame for my recent migraine, I'm going to go ahead and blame Nicole's voice instead. I can't take it anymore! And having to go from frog to lederhosen has only exacerbated that irritating midwest whine of hers. Wahh wahh I have to wear a unitard. Wahhh. Oh stick a frankenfurter in it. I can't wait until she's gone from the house.


And this brings us to Brittany. Stubborn jowly Brittany. She has decided to accept the challenge of kicking 2400 goals in 24 hours, but she has also decided to ignore everyone's advice on how she can make it easier on herself. The boys have advised her on how to kick in a less painful way, but she simply narrowed her eyes and glared at them. And when someone suggested she not bend over to pick up the ball thousands of times risking injury and strain to her back, she shook her jowls violently and pretended she didn't hear the advice. It was this bending over action that brought me to Brittany's new nickname - Jowly! While Brittany is a moderately cute gal, she has the unfortunate problem of the loose jowls. Gravity will not be this girl's friend as she ages  (Kate Middleton will have this problem too. Just you watch.) and all that bending over she's been doing has only accelerated the process. I suggest she squats when she bends and starts sleeping on her back. And in a few years, she can book herself a lift and all will be remedied. Easy peasy.

But until then, she's going to continue to kick the ball on a bounce - for maximum toe pain. Switching to Donny's shoes over her own helped her alleviate the swelling a bit, but still. Why she would actually INCREASE the force with which the ball landed on her toes is a mystery to me. Speaking of Donny, he sat outside with Jowls the entire she was kicking her goals. He was her cheerleader, her counter ("fo-wer, fah-ive, see-ix.") and support system. It was very sweet on Donny's part, but also very annoying. I had a feeling Jowls' inner dialogue went something like this, "Shutupshutupshutupshutup."


After every few hundred kicks or so, Jowls would take a Greek Yogurt break *gag* and soak her bloodied mangled tootsies in the pool. The ever faithful Donny was always nearby with words of encouragement. Also, Jocasta reared her batshit crazy Pentecostal head and started to read Bible verses to Jowls, "Are you listening, Jowls? Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just read to you?" Jowls would sigh, "Yes. Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup."

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Later, when her toes had blackened and fallen off, Jowls switched to the method of kicking the ball backwards. It seemed to work for her and she was finally able to reach her goal. Good for her! Some BB fans claimed it was a total waste of her time, but I vehemently disagree with that. Yes, the plan right now is to get rid of her, but this is Big Brother. Things change all the time in the house. And if the plan for Donny to go up as Victoria's replacement goes through, people might change their minds and decide to get rid of him instead. He has proven himself in the Challenges and has definitely stepped up his strategic game. It would have been silly for Jowls to not plan for every eventuality. If by some miracle she stays, she WILL be nominated again and she'll need to be able to play in the next POV.


As my previous paragraph just stated, Donny is the planned replacement nomination. But Donny isn't going down without a fight. When Cody finally wakes up and makes his way outside, Donny takes the opportunity to make his pitch on how Caleb should go on the block this week. He cites Caleb's "Germany with Amber" remark as evidence to how selfish Caleb is and how he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Donny then tells Cody that if Jowls stays in the house, it won't even be Cody who saved her, it'll be the people who voted for her who saved her so he really won't have much blood on his hands. Donny tells Cody that the nomination will simply be Cody putting a selfish guy on the block.


Cody listens to everything Donny has to say and you definitely get the impression that Cody agrees with Donny. Caleb has been on Cody's shit list due to his Amber obsession and deep down he fears that Caleb will target him the first chance he gets. As he thinks about his options, Donny tells him that getting rid of the two biggest threats in the game (Devin and Caleb) back to back would be awesome. He also says that as long as Amber and Caleb are in the house together, none of them are really safe because they will always save the other if one of them was at risk of going home. Cody sighs and says that it all makes sense, but what if next week is a Double Eviction? He's petrified of being vulnerable and not able to play for HOH.


Donny eventually leaves Cody to his own thoughts with Christine finally makes her way outside (these bitches sleep ALL day). Immediately Cody tells Christine everything that Donny just pitched to him. He says that Caleb is a definite risk for HIS game while Jowls is a risk to everyone else's game. Cody continues to on and on about how bad Caleb is for his game and how he's always saying boneheaded things and not playing strategically at all. On the other side of the coin, Caleb is a loose cannon and could go after him next week if he stays in the house. Rationally, Cody should get rid of Caleb. Selfishly, you keep your hands off my beast mode cowboy! I NEED Caleb in the house. He's all I have.

As the night progresses, so does the tension. Donny is suspicious of everyone especially Derrick who he thinks is the house mastermind while Zach, that flibbertygibbit who plays by what entertains him instead of what is smart, is now also suggesting that Caleb goes on the block. Look, I love Zach. He's funny, he's a loudmouth, but he's also a horrible player. One of these days, his antics are going to really piss off his alliance and they'll start looking at him as a liability rather than an asset.
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Late night in the house saw the Caleb v. Donny debate continue. Zach is adamant that Caleb needs to go. Frankie isn't so sure he'll be voted out if he goes up. And Cody, well Cody just likes to mumble and look confused. He tells everyone that in the end he'll do what's best for his game. Upon hearing that, Zach storms out of the room and becomes annoyed with everyone in his alliance. After some stewing and pacing on his own he rejoins his alliance suggesting that they should put him on the block. *smacks self in the head* He wants to turn the house upside down and start some cockamamie rumor that he and Cody hate each other. *smacks head against glass table* Can someone please get Zach his Ritalin because when this dude gets bored he gets reckless and I need him to stick around as long as possible?

And that is where I'll end this today. The POV Ceremony is a little later and who the hell knows what'll happen. Will Caleb go on block? Or Donny? Or Zach? Will Cody request more time to think it over? Have Jowls' toes fallen off into her sock? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Dead To Me



You guys, I'm sick. And when I get sick I get really really cranky. I also smell of garlic because I did what a tabloid article said to do and I just swallowed a ridiculous amount of raw garlic. But I don't want to leave you hanging another day. This will be quick, dirty and smell faintly of calzones. Let's recap, shall we?

Devin nominated Zach as Brittany's replacement because he's a giant douchebag. His reasoning for taking Brittany off the block is that she's a single mother and he has a single mother and a daughter. Did you know he had a daughter? I hate that brat. I really do. Yell at me all you want. I. Don't. Care. That kid is putting a damper on my summer and I'm hoping she wraps her belongings in a bandana, attaches it to the end of a stick and hops a train to South America. Buh bye daughter!

At the POV Ceremony, Zach went ape shit and started calling out all of his good buddies. Frankie, especially, was not happy.

In the meantime, Team America (fuck yeah!) is now complete. It consists of Donny, Frankie and Derrick. Derrick is interpreting the whole stupid thing as a secret gift message from America that those 3 chuckleheads should be working together when, in actuality, it was simply a popularity contest. Anyhow, Derrick is now putting ALL of his focus on making Team America (fuck yeah!) the most important alliance to his game.

This brings us to another problem - Frankie. How do you solve a problem like Frankie? Once good buddies with Zach, Frankie no longer trusts him and actually wants to vote him out this week. Since I have an ooey gooey soft spot for Zach, I NOW HATE FRANKIE! And, believe me, Frankie is working overtime to make Zach skedaddle. He's holding meetings, kissing ass, telling lies and being Devin's bitch boy. It's gross. Frankie is dead to me.

And then we have Amber. Useless Amber. She's a twit. Hayden hates her and is now his number one target. Dare I say I'm starting to like Hayden now?

What else? What else? Oh! SO Zach outed the entire Bomb Squad to Hayden right in front of Derrick and while Hayden wasn't entirely surprised, he was a little miffed that he was never asked to join. Derrick, Cody and Zach now want to pull Hayden into their Bro alliance. Speaking of Cody, he's got his panties in a twist because he thinks with the Bomb Squad completely exposed that the other side of the house (i.e. the dumb ass twit girls who couldn't open a bottle of ketchup if their life depended on it) will now target the strapping young lads and start picking them off one by one. Slow your roll, Cody. Go pop a Midol and you'll feel better in the morning.

For the most part, Caleb was pretty quiet and introspective. He is very angry that Devin decided to act personally instead of for what's best for the Bomb Squad. However, last I checked, he too wants Zach out.

SO, here's where we are - Frankie is hellbent on getting Zach out of the game and, from last I saw, he is close to pulling it off. BUT we have a small faction that may or may not consist of Cody, Hayden, Derrick and Brittany who would like to save Zach.

And there you have it. A million apologies for the quickness and crudeness of this post. You know how I hate putting out anything subpar, but I feel like Devin's daughter will when she grows up and realizes what a nightmare her father is. In other words, I want to die. On the plus, I smell a little like a delicious pizza right now. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Definitely feel free to correct anything I left out or missed.

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