Friday, August 1, 2014

Red Delicious Blood



Sometimes when I am home by myself and there is nothing on the tube, boredom washes over me and I do what any other Big Brother fan would do. I reach into the back of my linen closet and carefully slide out the bucket I keep on hand for slow rainy days such as these. I then push all my furniture against the walls and carefully lay a tarp over my creamy colored carpet. Satisfied with the amount of space I've given myself to "work", I then disrobe and toss my garments as far away as I can. Now I am ready.

With excitement coursing through my veins and anticipation lighting up my eyes, I kneel down, remove the lid off the bucket, and stare into the inky crimson-ness. Blood. Deep dark thick metallic smelling blood. I should prolong what I'm about to do next, but I never was a patient person. With a giggle in my throat and eagerness pressing my lips tightly together, I plunge my hands into the bucket and swirl them around feeling the warm gummy viscous goodness in between my fingers. I then yank them out of the bucket, stand proudly and hold my arms up over my head. Blood on my hands. Blood on my hands! I look skyward as the goo slowly drips down my arms, my waist, my legs. Exhaling, I close my eyes and begin to sway to my own whispers, "Blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands..." Let's recap, shall we?


Well well, it looks like the majority of the house is finally finding itself in a bit of a pickle (not to be confused with a pickle in a banana). With the CBS show abruptly ending before we got any definitive HOH winners, live feeders scrambled to their laptops and wondered to themselves why a tie breaker question wasn't ready and available. CBS faux pas aside, the feeds returned and revealed that Nicole and Donny are our new HOH's. *rubs bloody hands together* Oh goody! Not that I'm a fan of either, mind you. I'm just sick of the feeds sucking and the drama lacking. We need some bloody drama dammit! Where are my arguments? Where are my fights? Where are the insults flying?



OK, so the power has finally switched sides, but will Nicole and Donny take advantage of it or will they do something safe and boring and go after Valentina or Jocasta? The two meet in the Hive and are confident that together they can come up with a plan that will satisfy both of them. Donny mentions how he wants to bring Hayden into the decision making and Nicole couldn't be happier. Of course Nicole loves this idea. The notion of her having to make a decision all on her own is much too much for her to handle.



Nicole says that there was no way she could let Zach or Caleb win that HOH. Donny smiles and nods knowingly. He then says, "I hett ta say eet, but I wuz pulling fer Christine ta lose because I felt that she wuz gonna put me enn Jocasta up sahd bah sahd." Donny hints to Nicole that Christine might have to go on the block. Nicole doesn't say too much to that. Instead she stresses how there are only 9 people for them to pick from and oh my god it's so stressful. Oh my god, 4 out of 9 is like almost 50% and oh my god it's freaking out Nicole. (I hate this chick so much.) Nicole then tells Donny that they should pretend that they don't know one another's nominations.


The conversation continues with Nicole actually having the gall to comment on how some people are just sailing by in the game because they don't want to get blood on their hands. Like you, pumpkin? She says it pisses her off so much especially when people throw competitions when she's always out there fighting to win. You are a piece of work, Nicole. Wasn't it you who bitched and moaned the first time you won HOH and complained nonstop about not wanting to have to make a decision? Wasn't it you who said that you purposely didn't want to win?

Hearing all of this, Donny remarks that some people need to know what it feels like to be on the block. He again mentions Christine and says that he doesn't necessarily want her to go home, but that she might have to go up due to the shortage of possibilities.


The two part and we finally see a house beginning to panic. Off in one room, Jocasta is crying to Derrick over how she can't win a comp while in the Storage Room, Zach is grilling Nicole. Nicole repeats to Zach the whole 4 out of 9 people is almost 50% thing and how she has a reason to put him up. Zach asks, "But am I your target?" Nicole replies that he isn't and then promptly hems and haws in that annoying way of hers, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet."

Nicole then tells Zach that it's all been girls going up so far and "that's not going to work this time." Zach tells her that he knows 4 people she won't definitely put up and then Donny has 2 people he has to put up which leaves 3 people for Nicole to pick from. Zach then tells her, "Put me up." Nicole asks, "No hard feelings?" Zach replies, "No hard feelings at all."

But then the indecisive twit says, "I could put up Valencia and Jocasta." Zach says, "That's who you should put up. Then you'll definitely stay HOH." Nicole remarks (and lies) about how she and Donny probably won't be working together when it comes to the nominations this week. Zach agrees with her and tells her that they both want two entirely different people out of the house. Nicole asks him who Donny wants out and Zach tells her Caleb. Zach confesses that he has no idea who Nicole wants out. Again, he tells her to put him up because he deserves it and that he wants Nicole to get her 30 seconds of fame by getting back at him. (Ha!)


Zach may be pretending to calm and OK with all of this, but he's not. Inside, he's freaking out and that panic begins to show when he asks Nicole who she wants out. Nicole gets frustrated and doesn't want to tell him. Zach tells her how he was straight forward with her last week. Nicole says, "No you're weren't! You bull crapped me!" Your honor, I move that we have the term "bull crap" stricken from the English language.

Jumping ahead a little bit, we find Derrick approaching Nicole. He tells her, "You're not doing too good with your strategy of not winning HOH's. You're not doing the Dan Gheesling strategy no more." Nicole replies that she didn't feel safe this week with the people that were left in the comp. Frankie then interrupts the conversation and begins to talk about the sleeping situation. Nicole remarks that she is "ty-yerred" and wants to go to bed. Frankie says ok and leaves the room.


But then here comes Beast Mode Cowboy attacking a tub of ice cream. He tells Nicole that if he's going up, he wants to be told beforehand. Nicole replies, "I'm ty-yerred. I don't want to be bombarded." Bitch, it's 8pm and you're HOH! Get with the program! It is your job to be bombarded. She then moans and whines (She talks in a permanent whine. It drives me insane!) how she hasn't even talked to Donny yet and how Donny has had a bad day because he was woken up last night (over that whole Team America thing). Beast Mode slurps more of ice cream, "He had a bad day? That sucks."

And then this happened...

Nicole: "How's the ice cream?"
Caleb: "Cold."
*silence*
Caleb: "Frozen. But it's good though."

Despite the ice cream being cold and frozen, it is to Caleb's liking. That's our cowboy! *jaunty jingle plays*


Eventually, Caleb leaves and finally - finally! - we hear something that makes my ears perk up. Nicole sits up and hints that "2 of those people" (Frankie and Caleb?) are possibilities for her to nominate. Derrick remarks, "You know he [Donny] isn't putting Jocasta up." Nicole then whines, "I haaaate this BOB craaaap." Derrick agrees and tells Nicole that people are going to expect her to put Jocasta up. Derrick says that she was out first in the comp. Nicole whines, "I don't waaant to put her uuuuuup." Nicole remarks again about how she just couldn't throw the comp because she heard that Caleb would put her up at any time and Zach has already nominated her so he might go after her again.


And then Nicole makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. She explains how now she's ready to make big moves. Now she's not as mad as she was before that she won HOH. Now she wants to play the game. (She's so awful!) Nicole tells Derrick that it's time that they solidify things with Hayden and Cody (an alliance?). Derrick brings up how Cody thinks that Frankie is playing them. Nicole nods and replies, "Do you see how he's everywhere?" And this is where things get interesting. Nicole asks Derrick if she were to backdoor Frankie, would he be on board with it? Ohhh I LOVE that! The conversation ends with Derrick warning Nicole not to under any circumstances share the Frankie plan with Christine. Nicole replies, "No. Never. I'm smarter than that." That remains to be seen. Just keep your trap shut.


Derrick then goes to check in with Donny to be sure that he won't nominate any member of Team America (fuck yeah). Donny assures him that he won't and that he doesn't think Frankie would've nominated either of them either. They then discuss the last Team America task. Donny tells Derrick what he said to Julie in the DR. Derrick tells Donny what he said only he lied and lied and lied. Instead of admitting to throwing Donny under the bus, he says that he said some mumbo jumbo about providing for his family. Donny tells him that he thinks America will respect them for not being greedy.

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Donny doesn't definitively say who he's going after, but he says that he wants to keep Zach around to use him for the Team America tasks. Speaking of that, Zach deserves all the money they earned, not them!


Then, like Andy before him, Frankie enters and starts kissing Donny's ass. Frankie and Derrick want Donny to stay HOH so they advise him to put up weak players. Derrick recommends putting up Vivienne and Jocasta. He knows Donny is close to Jocasta, but she went out first. Donny says that he has 3 people in the house that have put him up - Nicole, Caleb, Cody - but that he really wants to win BOB.


More conversations with Donny continue. Cody and his new weekly paranoia (first it was Caleb, then it was Zach) suggests that Donny targets Frankie. Christine hints a little bit about Zach or Caleb. Speaking of Caleb, he spends his time with Donny outlining how he's a beast and a target and, at the end of the day, quite frankly he'll probably win everything. He blames that first week nomination on Devin and says that at the end of the day, Donny is going to do what he wants to do. But don't forget, this is Beast Mode Cowboy and Beast Mode Cowboy will not win every competition that crosses his path. There are other people in the house that don't deserve to be there, but Caleb DESERVES to be there. At the end of the day.


And then we get a rare scene where Violet is talking game is Donny. Donny tells her that he might have to put her up, but that she is 100% not his target. His plan may be to put her up alongside Caleb. Vanya replies, "Oh my gosh." He assures her that Caleb would go home 100%. Vivica would like to believe that, but the block... it's just so emotional. Donny explains that if he puts Caleb up with another "big guy", they might dethrone him and Nicole could put Velda up next to someone like Jocasta. If Valkyrie goes up next to a powerhouse, her chances of staying in the game greatly increase.


Finally, Nicole and Donny get their HOH rooms and are able to meet in private with the real HOH this week - Hayden. Donny tells them that he has talked with everyone and it's looking like he'll put up Caleb and Varinka. Nicole moans about not wanting to put up Jocasta, but having to. So, her nominations are likely to be Jocasta and Zach. Hayden gives those 4 choices his stamp of approval and says that that is what he would've done.


But not so fast! That doesn't mean that one of those 4 will go home. Hayden continues and says that Frankie is the root of all the problems in the house. He is the puppet master. Donny quickly reminds him that he can't say any of that to Christine. Hayden then relays a story he heard right before the live show. He heard Frankie and Christine talking about who they'd nominate if they won HOH. Both said Jocasta and Verushka. But when they discussed who they'd put up as a replacement nominee, they both said Donny.


He continues and tells them how Caleb is going after the "Outsiders" (Donny, Vanessa, Jocasta), but that Caleb rarely comes up with an idea on his own. Hayden says that Caleb gets all of his ideas from Frankie. Hearing this, Donny says how he was talking to Derrick earlier and they were throwing around a bunch of names. He noticed that Derrick never mentioned Caleb and Hayden says that it's because Derrick knows Caleb would never put him up. Hayden remarks, "That's the thing about Caleb. He's so easily controlled."

And here is where the topic of backdooring Frankie comes up again. Donny is worried that if Frankie goes up as a replacement nomination, he won't go home because he has so many friends. Hayden disagrees and says that he doesn't think Frankie has as many votes as Donny thinks he does. Hayden feels confident that he has the votes to get rid of Frankie. He says, "I feel like if it was Frankie and Caleb up there, Frankie would go home. Honestly." Hmm, I'm not sure about that. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of it and there is no one I'd rather get rid of more than Frankie, but I wonder if all the votes are really there.

What do you think? Can these chuckleheads pull off backdooring Frankie? Will Donny try to stop it because of Team America? Do you like your ice cream cold and frozen like Caleb does? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

At The End Of The Day


It was supposed to be so simple. It was supposed to be a learning experience. Teach a woman a lesson and get her back (for the first time) into your hunky muscular tribal-tattooed waiting arms. But as we all know, "The best laid plans of rhinestone cowboys often go awry." Love, that tricky trickster, can't be planned. The line from point A to point B is rarely ever straight. Instead, it's more like a polygraph with peaks and valleys, zigs and zags, lies and manipulations. So while the world's rhinestones have collectively dimmed on this most solemn of days, let us remember something Ray Bradbury said, "But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them." I guess it takes some people longer than others to recognize the wreckage for what it is. Let's recap, shall we?

So it is the morning of the big POV Ceremony and the fit is about to hit the shan! Man Hands Caleb thinks Amber will be going up in Jocasta's place as a way to teach her a lesson. Actually, to teach her many lessons. Lessons like... 1) Say thank you when a bedazzled cattle wrangler risks $500,000 for you 2) Say yes to an offer of a date and mean it 3) Never ever ever thank others for blankets when the blankets came from only one lone star, not four. 4) And lastly, get your passport in order because you're going on a cruise, no questions asked.


All of these lessons were meant to make Amber see the error of her ways and run screaming from into this Romantic Cowboy's arms. In addition to the lessons, there were tests. Many many tests. Actually, there were no tests whatsoever, but the Detonbombtators wanted Caleb to believe there was a test. The alliance told Caleb that if Amber went up on the block and "blew up" the Bomb Squad (that everyone already knows about, mind you), then she is disloyal and needs to vamoose out of the house. But if she keeps her trap shut and becomes impregnated with a Cowbaby Reynolds, they'll go ahead and keep her.

And so, Caleb was confident. He was John Travolta struttin' confident. He unbuttoned his shirt, flashed his boxer briefs, put on his struttin' boots and got himself ready for Amber to come a' runnin'. And then the POV Ceremony happened...

Firstly, Hayden didn't take Jocasta off the block. He took Victoria off the block. This would have been quite the shock for Caleb only Hayden had the wherewithal to tell Caleb beforehand that he was taking Victoria down since Victoria picked him to play for her in the POV comp. Caleb understood, shined his belt buckle and continued to wait with open arms.

Secondly, Zach was supposed to give some sort of epic speech outlining all the ways that Amber has dissed Caleb. I'm a little confused as to why Zach would be talking at all. Hayden won the POV and Frankie is the actual HOH. Ah, who cares? I think it should be mandatory for Zach to give speeches whenever he lifts his head from his pillow. The speech was designed to make Amber feel bad, but apparently she just sat there with a stupid smile on her face and acted unfazed. Can she be even more boring?!

This brings us to the feeds turning back on. We all huddled around our laptops and flipped from camera to camera. Camera 1... Where's Caleb? Where's Amber? Camera 2... Is Frankie talking about his dead grandpa again? Camera 3... Is Zach working on a folllow-up speech? Is he doing his evil devil laugh? Camera 4... Oh, it's Derrick and Pussy (Cody). Ugh, ok. I guess they'll do.


So Derrick and Pussy are sitting in the Hive and Pussy is doing that thing he does best... embracing paranoia with all of his might. Remember how last week he was skerred over Caleb coming after him? Well now he's freaked out about his best good friend Zach. Never mind the fact the house is waiting for Caleb to explode. Never mind how Amber might be crying somewhere. Pussy is chattering his chompers over how one day, no one knows when, but one day Zach will come after him.

In additions to being scared of Zach, it really chaps Pussy's ass when Caleb struts all over the house claiming he's a beast when he's only won one competition. Caleb keeps telling everyone he's the number one target when, in all likeliness, Frankie, Hayden, and probably Veronica will beat him in a future comp.


Upstairs, Zach is very pleased with himself except for one tiny thing. He really wants everyone in the house to hate him, but they just won't. Drat! Frankie giggles and tells Zach that he now needs to chill for the rest of the week. He's done his part now go night-night.


Meanwhile, Caleb is pacing in the backyard and waiting. Just waiting. Amber comes out at one point to get her laundry and doesn't say a word. She immediately heads back inside to fold it. And fold it she does! Thin-lipped and with lots of huffs, she balls up her khakis, ties her t-shirts into knots and strings her bras together all in a neat pile. Grrrr Amber, grrr! Donny watches her and mumbles, "Aye know how yer fill." Amber snaps something back about being the only girl in the house (no you're not) and how she's used to betrayal. Wahhh wahhh.


After putting her clothes conveniently next to Valerie's make-up brushes (that Amber likes to steal make-up supplies), she clops into the Hive to have a word with Pussy about why she's on the block. Pussy, Sarah Bernhardt herself, shrugs his shoulders and claims innocence, "I'm just as confused as you are!" Amber whines that she doesn't understand why they didn't backdoor Zach. Derrick and Pussy tell her over and over again, "We're voting to keep you." (No they're not) They say that they have no idea what Frankie was thinking. Derrick then tells Amber that she has to get Caleb's vote.

Amber sighs and says, "I don't know if this is personal." Derrick replies, "Are you kidding me?! Didn't you listen to the speech? Of course it's personal!" Folks, this girl is an idiot. Amber then tells Derrick and Pussy that they need to go talk to Christine and Nicole for her. Why Amber, why? Why can't you do your own campaigning?

Amber then puts on an act to end all acts. She tells the boys that if this is all about Caleb and how she doesn't want a relationship with him, she has very specific reasons for not wanting a relationship with him. She insists she won't share her reasons with the boys, but then she basically shares her "reasons" with the boys. She gets up, the tears start and she says that she lost someone close to her and that's why she doesn't want another relationship. *Achoo "BULLSHIT!"* Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Amber doesn't want a relationship with Caleb because she doesn't like him like that. That's it! He's a douchey weirdo douchebag and she's not attracted to that. So don't give me this crap that some personal tragedy is keeping your love from Caleb. Look, if you want to play the sex game, play it! If you want to flirt, flirt! If you want to manipulate, I'm all over it! But don't go around the house claiming to be the innocent princess when all you are is a lousy player. Don't insult us like that.


Up in the HOH, Zach is busy pumping up Caleb. He high fives Beast Mode Cowboy and says how stunned he was when Hayden used the POV on Victoria (lie). Caleb explains how Hayden explained that to him beforehand and how it makes sense to him now, "At the end of the day, we control Valhalla's vote."


Caleb then comments how he kept his head covered during the POV ceremony. Zach exclaims, "Dude, that was money!" Caleb mumbles, "It was golden." Oh sure Amber could be confused and crying and all that jazz, but what Caleb is really hoping is that CBS airs everything that went down in the POV Ceremony. Me too, Caleb. Me too!

Pussy then enters the HOH and says that Amber was crying and can't figure out why Zach didn't go on the block instead of her. He recaps the Hive convo to them and when he's done, Zach cracks us all up by telling Caleb, "That plan you came up with, genius! That was fucking genius!" Haha!

Hold onto your reins cowgirls and cowboys because here comes what will turn out to be trouble...


Frankie then enters the HOH and without taking a breath says that they were all right in their assumption of Amber. She absolutely isn't trustworthy and has already been seen talking to Nicole. Caleb, my sweetness in his shiny new boat shoes, doesn't even exhale. The room is silent.

Dun, dun, DUN!

Frankie leaves as quickly as he entered. Caleb's only reply to all of this most unsettling news is, "You guys have to tell Amber, 'Why are you talking to everybody, but Caleb? He's the one you should be talking to.'"

Frankie magically reappears after talking with Vlad downstairs. Now he says, "Amber is already trying to start a new girl's alliance with Christine and Nicole." Zach asks, "Should I go down and blow it up?" Frankie cries, "No!" Zach says, "Well then put me in a cage and throw away the key!"


Yadda yadda yadda, Pussy bitches about Zach some more to Hayden. Yadda yadda yadda Hayden says if next week is a Double Eviction, he'll get rid of Zach over Caleb.


And this brings us to what we've all been waiting for - the big Caleb and Amber confrontation! He'll don his chaps, tell her what's what and then slam the saloon door in her face! Right? Right?!

Wellllll, not exactly.


Ok so Caleb is in the Hive reading the Good Book (Fifty Shades Of Grey) when Amber enters. She asks him if he has anything to say to her and he replies, "No! Do you have anything to say to me?" You see, Caleb doesn't like to speak first. Ever! In order to talk to Caleb, you have to contact his secretary and schedule a meeting. Amber ignores the protocol and continues wanting to know if it was Zach's plan for her to go on the block. Caleb slams Fifty shut and says that it was his plan! Amber replies, "So it was personal?"

Caleb then reaches back for Fifty and says, "I want to read you this verse, 'You're not just a pretty face. You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me." Amber scratches her head and wonders how he knew she's had six secret orgasms in the house. Finally she tells him to shut the damn book. Caleb sighs, adjusts his shorts, and tells Amber that she's on the block because she said she didn't trust anyone in the house. Amber insists she's been loyal to the Turdaflambé Squad. To which Caleb tells her that she was put up to test her loyalty.


And THEN he tells her that it was all a big test to see if she'd out the Calling Dr. Bombay Squad and blow them all up (Caleb! Shush!). Ole Diarrhea Mouth continues and tells her how he heard she went to Nicole to try to start a new Vagina Alliance. Amber denies the claim and wants to bring Nicole in to straighten this out. Amber then says, "This is a big slap in the face to me!" Caleb replies only how Caleb knows how, "What about ME?" Yeah Amber, what about Caleb?! You selfish cow.

Eventually Caleb goes to hunt down Nicole. He says I want to read you this verse from the Good Book, "I don't make love. I fuck... HARD." Nicole looks at him quizzically, squeaks out, "Zach!" and then runs away to find Christine.

Caleb then moseys over to the backyard where he asks Derrick if all of this was Zach's doing. Derrick says that Frankie told him about him the new Vagina Alliance. And then suddenly it all dawns on Caleb. Aha! Frankie wants Amber out of the game!

Caleb runs back to Amber with what he has discovered. He tells her how Frankie and Zach must have orchestrated all of this and that everyone knew about it. But don't you worry your pretty little head, Amber, Caleb is gonna blow this mutha up and rid the house of the infidels!


Outside of the Hive it is chaos. Chaos I tell you! Frankie gets a whiff that things are unravelling so he heads to the Hive to talk to Caleb. Privately. Only, Amber won't leave. Frankie says, "Oh ok, I just left Pussy out back in a jock strap oiling up. He's about to work out." Amber leaps up off her seat and races out the door.


Now we are left with a very heated and confused Caleb. He's so heated that he can't sit down. He must stand for this. Frankie, on the other hand, lies back and gets comfortable. Caleb asks Frankie why he told him up in the HOH that Amber was trying to form a Vagina Alliance. Caleb says he talked to Nicole and Nicole was acting very strange and blamed Zach. Caleb then insists that Amber never tried to form any Vagina Alliance. Frankie calmly replies, "Fine, but how does that change that Amber is trying to get rid of us?"


Frankie then asks what Caleb's goal is. Caleb looks down at his well-read Fifty and he isn't really sure. Instead he says that they accused of Amber of blowing up the alliance to Nicole when it was really Zach who did it. And come to think of it, Caleb now thinks that everyone was lying to him when they told him Amber went on the date with him so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. She told hundreds of other people she had a great time! Frankie can't hold it in anymore and fights back some chuckles.


Frankie then collects himself and says, "You just threw me under the bus to Amber and I don't appreciate it. Go get Nicole." Nicole enters whining, "Oh my gawwwwd, I don't want to be pulled around. I'm getting frustraaated."

Caleb then asks Nicole if Amber tried to form a Vagina Alliance. Nicole says that Amber said she kind of knew she was going up and that the girls should work together to go after the guys. Frankie then asks Nicole if Amber said anything about the date last week. Nicole says that Amber said that she has no feelings for Caleb at all and went on the date so she wouldn't have to tell him no.


Oh. Shit.

The wind immediately goes out of Beast Mode Cowboy's sails and he looks at the ground forlorn and lost. Nicole says again, "Amber said that the girls should stick together." Oh just twist the knife, why don't you?!


Caleb can no longer stand. He sits and leans his head against the wall. His copy of the Good Book tumbles to the floor.


Caleb then puts his head in his hands and says repeatedly, "I don't know, Frankie. I don't know." Frankie tells him, "Caleb, Amber is doing everything everyone said she was. She's lying to you. She's lying to you about the motherfucking date. You're going to go home and you're going to see the DR sessions and you're going to be so upset. I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want to hurt you. You are blinded by her and now you're making mistakes for her. She doesn't love you like you love her."


OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

And that's where we'll end this today. Woo doggy! What a day! Was it good for you? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Friday, July 25, 2014

Meth Attack

(A Parisian night, 1892)

My great grandmother Nightingale Honeypot Lala was a fighter. A fighter! She fought against adversity in a tightly wound corseted world. When women sipped tea, she chugged gin. When men came calling, she tied them to her bed posts with an exquisite piece of old lace. She was a spitfire, that Nightie. My aunt Seraphima Biddy Lala was no slouch herself. She invented glitter. One night while she was shit faced with Toulouse-Lautrec in the 18th arrondissement, the sand she always held in her pockets (Virginia Woolf was a close friend) accidentally fell into her absinthe glass and created the most sparkling, the most shimmering, the most gleamingly brilliant chartreuse-colored tiny particles. Together, Toulouse and Será (for short) tossed her new invention off the top of the Eiffel Tower blanketing Paris in the most scintillating and majestic sparkle the city had ever seen. It is for these two women that I blog... and drink and throw glitter when I am joyful. Never forget where you come from, dear readers. Unless, of course, you're in the throes of a nationally televised game and ANY OUTSIDE INFORMATION AND ALLOWANCES ARE JUST PLAIN CHEATING!!! Let's recap, shall we?

OK so this is going to be short and sweet today for two reasons. Both of which are - Zach is insane! But I'm jumping ahead a bit. Here is what we know: Zach and Frankie have won HOH. Frankie won because he had an incredibly unfair sympathy advantage which has most likely already guaranteed him a final 3 position. Don't even get me started on this giant clusterfuck. But believe you me, I will have a shit load to say about it tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. I have yet to do one of my epic rants and, I don't know, tomorrow just feels right. Don't miss it! Saturday at 10pm. Follow me on Twitter for links and iTunes info.

I'm going to try my best to summarize the labyrinth of crazy that took place last night so follow along if you can. When the feeds turned back on, Frankie was in full Frankie mode. He's oh so grateful for getting to receive yet another letter from home in addition to getting photos of his now deceased grandfather. Death is sad. Obviously. But we're also playing a game here, folks. A game where you're locked away from the outside world. A game where everyone should have the exact same chance as the next person to win. A game where production shouldn't bend to the ranting and raving of mentally incompetent fans on twitter. A game where one player shouldn't be allowed to give a 25 minute soliloquy to the viewing public.


So Frankie is sad and moved and grateful and once again giving an abridged version of that Oscar speech he practices in the mirror ever so often back at home. Obviously, I ignored every bit of this nightmare and decided to focus of Zach. Crazy - like Meth Crazy - Zach. You know how meth addicts like to take things like telephones and radios apart when they're high? Well, Zach likes to take apart the entire Big Brother game. He is the personification of a loose cannon. It is a wonder that he sleeps as much as he does because when he's awake, he's firing on all cylinders and giving everyone, viewers included, crazy anxiety.

Zach's grand master flash plan is to backdoor Caleb. Frankie seems to be on board with it, but who the hell knows. He's still thanking ole Jebediah Scrimples Grande for inventing air. In order for Zach to backdoor Caleb, he wants to nominate someone who will throw the BOB comp and keep Amber on the block. I know, I know, it's odd. Ideally, he wants to nominate Christine and Amber and have Christine throw the comp. That way Frankie gets to stay HOH, Amber stays on the block, possibly removes herself and Caleb goes up in her place. As any Big Brother fan can see, there are a lot of problems with this plan. What if Caleb gets picked to play in POV and wins? He'll take Amber off making them both safe which will undoubtedly make Zach a target next week. But that, my friends, is common sense. And we're talking about Zach here - where common sense doesn't exist.

Zach refuses to put up Victoria because he's finally gotten back into her good graces. He also refuses to put up Donny because Donny has been a pawn way too many times already. Then there's Christine. Zach is annoyed beyond belief that Christine has yet to do anything for the alliance - for any alliance! - Bomb Squad, Detonators, Douche Canoes, what have you. Zach firmly believes that Christine needs to prove her loyalty and agree to throw the BOB comp. The problem is that Christine says, "No way Jose!" She's seen the show too many times to throw a comp.

There were also some discussion about Zach putting up Hayden and maybe Nicole or maybe someone in Production. Maybe they'll agree to Zach's cockamamie plans. At one point Zach even had the balls to hint to Caleb that he should go on the block and throw the comp himself. Caleb simply batted his beastmode Covergirl eyelashes and said, "No siree bob." He's done with volunteering and he'll never do it again. Which brings us back to Christine. Zach hates her. All she does is giggle and flirt with Cody. She does nothing for the alliance and she needs to prove her loyalty.

Christine, the big mouth that she is, naturally goes to spill everything to her best good friend Nicole. Nicole kind of listens to it all and shrugs her shoulders. You see, Nicole has more important things on her mind - like keeping her own ass off the block.

So after hours of Zach flitting this way and that asking everyone to throw the BOB comp and then getting more heated and angry when everyone refuses, Zach decides he'll put up Christine and Amber. HOWEVER, there is one little problem with this. Princess Amber has told everyone that if she goes on the block again, she'll out the alliance and sing like a canary. Obviously, this scares the crap out of Pussy (Cody). He tells Zach, "You can't put her up! She'll out the alliance!" Zach replies, "To who, Victoria? Everyone already knows about the Bomb Squad." Pussy then popped a couple of Midols and placed a heating pad on his ovaries.

Zach then announces that he is adamant that he will not put up Nicole, Victoria or Donny. Until, that is, he talks to Nicole. He tells Nicole how he wants Christine to throw the comp, then have Amber win the POV so he can send Caleb home. Nicole listens and whines, "But I don't think you should put me up." Huh? Bitch, he wasn't talking about you! Nicole's M.O. in the game is to talk shit about everyone else in that godforsaken voice of hers and then whine whenever her name is mentioned. It's brutal.

After his talk with Nicole, Zach wonders if maybe he should just put up Nicole and Hayden and have Hayden throw the comp so they can backdoor Amber.  (I'm so fucking confused) I thought his target was Caleb, but now it might be Amber. Next it'll be Nona so she can join Grandpa. *throws hands in the air*


So while Zach is going ape shit insane pacing back and forth while wearing his HOH robe and hollering about getting Carrie-sized buckets of blood on his hands, the rest of his alliance is nervous. Frankie doesn't want to nominate Jocasta and Victoria. In all honesty, he'd rather not nominate anyone because he's a coward afraid to hurt anyone's feelings. Meanwhile, Pussy is scared that somehow all of this will backfire and make him a target (huh?) while Caleb, sweet Caleb, sits in the Hive busily carving a portrait of Amber into his arm with a plastic knife. It's madness, I tell you!

After more craziness with everyone and their dead grandfather being considered as options, Zach seems to have decided to nominate Christine and Nicole (Hey, what the hell happened to Amber?). His plan is to give an epic speech where he compares Christine to JennCity and says, "If you look up 'floater' in the dictionary, there will be a picture of you and JennCity holding hands." *giggles* He then plans on telling Nicole that she's a dingus froot loop of a super fan. I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I love the sound of it.

So where does that leave us? Hell if I know! One thing I can guarantee is lots of fireworks after Zach delivers his nominations today. No matter who he decides on, he'll deliver it in a way that only the Zach Attack can and people - probably everyone - are going to be pissed off. Bless his heart.

So, did you understand one word of what went on last night? Is Zach an evil genius putting on an act? Or does he simply need to up his Ritalin prescription? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Big Pussy



Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
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Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.


Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*


Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.


But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!


Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

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Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.


And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.


Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."


After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.


Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.


And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"



Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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