Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Big Pussy

Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
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Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.

Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*

Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.

But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!

Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

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Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.

And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.

Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."

After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.

Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.

And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"

Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Kick Out The Jams

In the classic romantic comedy based on the book of the same name, Practical Magic documents a love lost and a love found. Set by the sea in a quaint picturesque Northeastern town amongst white picket fences and lazily statuesque Victorian manors, Practical Magic teaches us to let go and let love happen. It also teaches us how to hex judgmental tightwads who choose to live in their own misery over a life of open-minded acceptance. In the words of Evan Rachel Wood's character, Kylie, "I hope you get... *points dramatically* chicken pox!"

After a whirlwind couple of weeks in which I zapped the flu by swallowing raw garlic, flew back and forth to L.A. within 4 days, and suffered a subsequent vicious migraine attack making light and sound mortal enemies, I am back. To those of you who follow me on social media and have been incredibly understanding, I thank you. To those of you who decided to send me hate messages for not blogging suggesting that I never write again, a pox on your families. No, I didn't quit. No, I haven't lost interest. I was working. W-O-R-K-I-N-G. I realize this might be a foreign concept for homebound cat ladies who can't get up from their couches on their own accord, but there you go. That is the reason for my recent absence. Next time, instead of jumping to conclusions and calling me names, why don't you simply check my Twitter, Facebook and, yes, Instagram (where I posted photos while ON the airplane)? There are links to follow me on any and all of these platforms on the right hand side of this blog. If you are unfamiliar which way is right, it is this way ------>>>>

For the next couple of weeks, things should be back to normal. I thank you for your patience, your understanding, and your human decency. Again, to the assholes who chose another route, may you get a vicious case of the scurvy.

Before we recap, let's take care of some odds and ends. First up, the FitBitch (commonly known as a FitBit)! I have been a strong proponent for all things FitBitch for almost 8 months now. I've encouraged many of you to get one, friend me, and lovingly compete with me. It is a ton of fun, gets you moving and is a great way to get off your couches. Why, you may ask, am I even talking about this? Well, guess what? The Houseguests got FitBitches! Big Brother is tracking their movements and will use their results to determine Haves and Have-Nots. If you too would like to join in the fun and compete with my Big Brother Gossip Show co-hosts and myself, be sure to click on the link on the right (that way ---->). Let me know (in the comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter) when you have it and I'll tell you how to friend me and others. We're all obsessed and with the release of the new Tory Burch bands, we're even MORE obsessed.

With all of that gobbledygook out of the way, let's recap shall we?

OK so the big reward/punishment POV has finally reared its familiar face and the results are: Victoria won POV, Caleb took $5K over the POV, Zach won a trip to Germany, Nicole has to wear a Germatard (which I assumed was a bottle of Purell, but is actually a lederhosen), Cody has to kick himself in the ass whenever "Penalty Kick!" blares throughout the house and Brittany has to kick 2400 goals in 24 hours or else she can't play in the next POV.

First, let's discuss that crazy kooky beast mode cowboy Caleb. Caleb is largely disliked amongst the BB fanbase, but I love him. Love him! He's delusional, narcissistic, ridiculous and probably a creepy stalker who collects used women's underwear and stores them under the floorboards of his bedroom. What's not to love?! And in typical Caleb fashion, right after he won the $5K he wandered around the house declaring, "I'm the richest person in the house now!" Yes indeedy you are, Caleb. Rich with cray-cray. Never change, my love. And joy, yesterday he added a new riff to his POV monologues. He is now extremely angry with himself for not taking the trip to Germany instead of the money. Why, you ask? Well, it's because if he won that trip to Germany he could take his lady friend Amber with him. Haha! Naturally, all of this is quite annoying to the other Houseguests making some of them wonder if perhaps Caleb should go home this week over Brittany. Don't you dare do that, HG's! I need my crazy! I will be lost without Caleb in the house to entertain me.

Next, let's talk about nails on a chalkboard Nicole. While dehydration and staring at an iPad with a crooked neck is probably to blame for my recent migraine, I'm going to go ahead and blame Nicole's voice instead. I can't take it anymore! And having to go from frog to lederhosen has only exacerbated that irritating midwest whine of hers. Wahh wahh I have to wear a unitard. Wahhh. Oh stick a frankenfurter in it. I can't wait until she's gone from the house.

And this brings us to Brittany. Stubborn jowly Brittany. She has decided to accept the challenge of kicking 2400 goals in 24 hours, but she has also decided to ignore everyone's advice on how she can make it easier on herself. The boys have advised her on how to kick in a less painful way, but she simply narrowed her eyes and glared at them. And when someone suggested she not bend over to pick up the ball thousands of times risking injury and strain to her back, she shook her jowls violently and pretended she didn't hear the advice. It was this bending over action that brought me to Brittany's new nickname - Jowly! While Brittany is a moderately cute gal, she has the unfortunate problem of the loose jowls. Gravity will not be this girl's friend as she ages  (Kate Middleton will have this problem too. Just you watch.) and all that bending over she's been doing has only accelerated the process. I suggest she squats when she bends and starts sleeping on her back. And in a few years, she can book herself a lift and all will be remedied. Easy peasy.

But until then, she's going to continue to kick the ball on a bounce - for maximum toe pain. Switching to Donny's shoes over her own helped her alleviate the swelling a bit, but still. Why she would actually INCREASE the force with which the ball landed on her toes is a mystery to me. Speaking of Donny, he sat outside with Jowls the entire she was kicking her goals. He was her cheerleader, her counter ("fo-wer, fah-ive, see-ix.") and support system. It was very sweet on Donny's part, but also very annoying. I had a feeling Jowls' inner dialogue went something like this, "Shutupshutupshutupshutup."

After every few hundred kicks or so, Jowls would take a Greek Yogurt break *gag* and soak her bloodied mangled tootsies in the pool. The ever faithful Donny was always nearby with words of encouragement. Also, Jocasta reared her batshit crazy Pentecostal head and started to read Bible verses to Jowls, "Are you listening, Jowls? Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just read to you?" Jowls would sigh, "Yes. Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup."

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Later, when her toes had blackened and fallen off, Jowls switched to the method of kicking the ball backwards. It seemed to work for her and she was finally able to reach her goal. Good for her! Some BB fans claimed it was a total waste of her time, but I vehemently disagree with that. Yes, the plan right now is to get rid of her, but this is Big Brother. Things change all the time in the house. And if the plan for Donny to go up as Victoria's replacement goes through, people might change their minds and decide to get rid of him instead. He has proven himself in the Challenges and has definitely stepped up his strategic game. It would have been silly for Jowls to not plan for every eventuality. If by some miracle she stays, she WILL be nominated again and she'll need to be able to play in the next POV.

As my previous paragraph just stated, Donny is the planned replacement nomination. But Donny isn't going down without a fight. When Cody finally wakes up and makes his way outside, Donny takes the opportunity to make his pitch on how Caleb should go on the block this week. He cites Caleb's "Germany with Amber" remark as evidence to how selfish Caleb is and how he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Donny then tells Cody that if Jowls stays in the house, it won't even be Cody who saved her, it'll be the people who voted for her who saved her so he really won't have much blood on his hands. Donny tells Cody that the nomination will simply be Cody putting a selfish guy on the block.

Cody listens to everything Donny has to say and you definitely get the impression that Cody agrees with Donny. Caleb has been on Cody's shit list due to his Amber obsession and deep down he fears that Caleb will target him the first chance he gets. As he thinks about his options, Donny tells him that getting rid of the two biggest threats in the game (Devin and Caleb) back to back would be awesome. He also says that as long as Amber and Caleb are in the house together, none of them are really safe because they will always save the other if one of them was at risk of going home. Cody sighs and says that it all makes sense, but what if next week is a Double Eviction? He's petrified of being vulnerable and not able to play for HOH.

Donny eventually leaves Cody to his own thoughts with Christine finally makes her way outside (these bitches sleep ALL day). Immediately Cody tells Christine everything that Donny just pitched to him. He says that Caleb is a definite risk for HIS game while Jowls is a risk to everyone else's game. Cody continues to on and on about how bad Caleb is for his game and how he's always saying boneheaded things and not playing strategically at all. On the other side of the coin, Caleb is a loose cannon and could go after him next week if he stays in the house. Rationally, Cody should get rid of Caleb. Selfishly, you keep your hands off my beast mode cowboy! I NEED Caleb in the house. He's all I have.

As the night progresses, so does the tension. Donny is suspicious of everyone especially Derrick who he thinks is the house mastermind while Zach, that flibbertygibbit who plays by what entertains him instead of what is smart, is now also suggesting that Caleb goes on the block. Look, I love Zach. He's funny, he's a loudmouth, but he's also a horrible player. One of these days, his antics are going to really piss off his alliance and they'll start looking at him as a liability rather than an asset.
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Late night in the house saw the Caleb v. Donny debate continue. Zach is adamant that Caleb needs to go. Frankie isn't so sure he'll be voted out if he goes up. And Cody, well Cody just likes to mumble and look confused. He tells everyone that in the end he'll do what's best for his game. Upon hearing that, Zach storms out of the room and becomes annoyed with everyone in his alliance. After some stewing and pacing on his own he rejoins his alliance suggesting that they should put him on the block. *smacks self in the head* He wants to turn the house upside down and start some cockamamie rumor that he and Cody hate each other. *smacks head against glass table* Can someone please get Zach his Ritalin because when this dude gets bored he gets reckless and I need him to stick around as long as possible?

And that is where I'll end this today. The POV Ceremony is a little later and who the hell knows what'll happen. Will Caleb go on block? Or Donny? Or Zach? Will Cody request more time to think it over? Have Jowls' toes fallen off into her sock? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Dead To Me

You guys, I'm sick. And when I get sick I get really really cranky. I also smell of garlic because I did what a tabloid article said to do and I just swallowed a ridiculous amount of raw garlic. But I don't want to leave you hanging another day. This will be quick, dirty and smell faintly of calzones. Let's recap, shall we?

Devin nominated Zach as Brittany's replacement because he's a giant douchebag. His reasoning for taking Brittany off the block is that she's a single mother and he has a single mother and a daughter. Did you know he had a daughter? I hate that brat. I really do. Yell at me all you want. I. Don't. Care. That kid is putting a damper on my summer and I'm hoping she wraps her belongings in a bandana, attaches it to the end of a stick and hops a train to South America. Buh bye daughter!

At the POV Ceremony, Zach went ape shit and started calling out all of his good buddies. Frankie, especially, was not happy.

In the meantime, Team America (fuck yeah!) is now complete. It consists of Donny, Frankie and Derrick. Derrick is interpreting the whole stupid thing as a secret gift message from America that those 3 chuckleheads should be working together when, in actuality, it was simply a popularity contest. Anyhow, Derrick is now putting ALL of his focus on making Team America (fuck yeah!) the most important alliance to his game.

This brings us to another problem - Frankie. How do you solve a problem like Frankie? Once good buddies with Zach, Frankie no longer trusts him and actually wants to vote him out this week. Since I have an ooey gooey soft spot for Zach, I NOW HATE FRANKIE! And, believe me, Frankie is working overtime to make Zach skedaddle. He's holding meetings, kissing ass, telling lies and being Devin's bitch boy. It's gross. Frankie is dead to me.

And then we have Amber. Useless Amber. She's a twit. Hayden hates her and is now his number one target. Dare I say I'm starting to like Hayden now?

What else? What else? Oh! SO Zach outed the entire Bomb Squad to Hayden right in front of Derrick and while Hayden wasn't entirely surprised, he was a little miffed that he was never asked to join. Derrick, Cody and Zach now want to pull Hayden into their Bro alliance. Speaking of Cody, he's got his panties in a twist because he thinks with the Bomb Squad completely exposed that the other side of the house (i.e. the dumb ass twit girls who couldn't open a bottle of ketchup if their life depended on it) will now target the strapping young lads and start picking them off one by one. Slow your roll, Cody. Go pop a Midol and you'll feel better in the morning.

For the most part, Caleb was pretty quiet and introspective. He is very angry that Devin decided to act personally instead of for what's best for the Bomb Squad. However, last I checked, he too wants Zach out.

SO, here's where we are - Frankie is hellbent on getting Zach out of the game and, from last I saw, he is close to pulling it off. BUT we have a small faction that may or may not consist of Cody, Hayden, Derrick and Brittany who would like to save Zach.

And there you have it. A million apologies for the quickness and crudeness of this post. You know how I hate putting out anything subpar, but I feel like Devin's daughter will when she grows up and realizes what a nightmare her father is. In other words, I want to die. On the plus, I smell a little like a delicious pizza right now. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Definitely feel free to correct anything I left out or missed.

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Saturday, July 5, 2014

Love Save The Queen

Power does strange things to people. Some people flourish and prosper finding that inner leader they never knew they had. Other people let it go to their heads and rule with a giant douchey fist hurling their ultimatums across the land. The difference between the two is the difference between peace and unrest. Now, I don't know about you, but when it comes to Big Brother, I'll take a stinking pile of disharmony and war over a boring hand-holding feeling circle. Let's recap, shall we?

Since the house had a very late night Thursday, the HG's slept away most of Friday. Admittedly, I was busy enjoying the holiday yesterday so I wasn't able to catch too much in the house. However, there are two incidents that cannot be ignored. For all the rest and an update on the entire last week in the house, with colorful commentary of course, be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10 PM. It'll be a doozy of a show. Promise. You can download episodes for free on iTunes. listen live via Mixlr, or stream it online using Stitcher. Check out Big Brother Podcast for the details.

Alrighty then, let's get down to business. Yesterday, as we all know, was the 4th of July. It is a holiday of hot dogs, barbecues, picnics, and mosquito repellent. We gorge ourselves on noodle salad and watch Uncle Horatio drink too many brewskis while feeling up the neighbor. The kids run around taunting the dog with sparklers while Aunt Fanny impatiently fans the flies away from her Ambrosia Salad. It's a fun holiday! It's an outdoorsy holiday. It is friends, family, neighbors and that weird kid from down the street who eats his own boogers and smells like soup. The 4th of July commemorates the adoption of the Declaration Of Independence. This is a good thing. It is not a sad thing. It is not Memorial Day nor is it Veteran's Day. We're not commemorating dead soldiers, lives lost, or the pain of a nation in wartime. We are celebrating pride and joy. Yay!

Unfortunately, we have an HG who didn't get the memo on what a truly joyous occasion the Nation's Holiday is. Instead, Caleb does what Caleb does best. He makes the holiday all about HIM. With Caleb no longer in power and the object of his obsession paying him no never mind, Caleb marches himself up to the HOH room, sighs dramatically for effect and plops down on the couch. Diva (Devin) is already in the room getting ready for the day by picking out his panties and garters. Caleb sighs again and this time he adds some sniffles for effect. Diva, for some reason, starts talking about raisins and how he likes to snack on almonds which *sniffle sniffle* makes Caleb finally break his silence. He tells Diva how his DR sessions are *sniffle* getting to him.

Frankie then enters and is fussing around in the bathroom doing whatnot when Caleb again dries his eyes dramatically and casually mentions that he's ex-military. He tells Frankie that he should probably go downstairs and tell everyone how special Caleb is how special this day is and how none of them better not say anything stupid. OK so first, this day is about all Americans, not just you Creepy Caleb. Secondly, this is not a Veteran's holiday! Your tears are about a month late considering Memorial Day was in MAY. Lastly, what do you suppose any of your fellow HG's would say that could possibly set you off? Let's run through some possibilities shall we?

Donny: "Ah sher don' lahk it when my gurlfren' burns mah hawt dogs. Ah throw them burned ones over tha fence to them soldiers hangin' around. Meddlin' stragglers!"

or perhaps

Jocasta: "In Jesus name we pray. Thank you God for blessing this day with macaroni and please forgive all those evil godless soldiers for they know not what they do."

or maybe

Amber: "On the 4th of July, I always stop and think about how I'd never ever ever date a military man."

Caleb, you are ridiculous. And in so many ways! No one in the house will say anything derogatory about the military because the day ISN'T ABOUT THE MILITARY. Furthermore, you are probably the last thing on your fellow HG's minds right now. If anything, your buddies in the house are missing barbecues with their families and seeing the fireworks with friends. Remember how Amber said that you were too into yourself? And remember how it angered you because you insisted nothing could be further from the truth? Well, I point to you making Frankie go downstairs to warn everyone not to piss you off on this holiest of Caleb holidays as Exhibit A.

People ask me all the time why I don't go on Big Brother and this situation is exactly why. If I was in the house and someone told me to tiptoe around delicate flower Caleb because the 4th of July is his holiday, I'd roll my eyes and burst out laughing. I'm the worst at hiding my true feelings so I just don't do it. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and that's why I would make the absolute worst Houseguest. Trust me, I have no doubt I'd be that week 1 evictee.

Frankie, bless his heart, actually does what Caleb asks and he tells his fellow HG's to tiptoe around Caleb on this here Caleb of July holiday. Throughout the whole thing, Caleb sits up in the HOH watching it all go down on the TV screen. His tears are gone and now he leers. It is only when someone comes up to talk to him do his tears return. Bravo Caleb! What a stunning performance.

Alright so with that out of the way, let's move on to douche number 2 and what everyone is tut tut tutting about this morning. We knew it would happen. We knew it was only a matter of time. Someone - and we all thought it would be Caleb - was going to pop off Tanisha style and it was going to be awesome! We waited patiently (or in my case, impatiently) knowing it was bound to happen and here it is. Woohoo!

So what you need to know is that Diva is hellbent on getting Brittany out of the house and she knows it. Earlier in the evening she told Payola (Paola) that Diva doesn't like that Brittany thinks for herself and isn't content letting others play the game for her. She has opinions and calls Diva out on his bullshit and he hates it. It is a threat to his game so he wants her gone as soon as possible. The problem with all of this is that Diva is making decisions on behalf on the Bomb Squad based entirely on personal reasons. This rubs several of the Bomb Squad members the wrong way because Diva is the one who is always telling the rest of them not to play personally, but strategically. We find Caleb and Derrick at the pool table talking about this very thing. They are annoyed with Diva's flagrant hypocrisy.

With both Payola and Brittany on the block, Caleb and Derrick wonder how Amber will vote so they head over to Amber where she sitting with Christine on the hammock to ask her. Amber pauses before finally saying Brittany. The one she really wants out is Diva because she feels like he's messing with her game. It should be noted here that Amber is manipulating Caleb a bit. By telling him that Diva is ruining her time in the house, she knows very well that Caleb will run to her rescue. Don't fool yourselves thinking Amber is Miss Innocent. She's knows exactly what she's doing.

Hearing this, Caleb replies that he knows that he and Diva will end up butting heads at some point purely because of how he talks to Amber. Amber then tells Caleb that she'd like to take him far in the game (Take him? Como what? She couldn't take a ladybug to the end of the game.), but that Diva stands in her way (huh?) and she can't ever talk to him because he never lets her speak (true). Caleb says that Diva is indeed his friend, but that he won't let his friend stand in his way of protecting his queen. *eyeroll* Frankie and Hayden then roll up and they all talk about how Diva is the only one who wants Brittany out. (Side Note: Don't they know that there is a simple way to remedy this? Don't vote out Brittany. There you go. Problem solved. Dummies.)

So this brings us to the good stuff. Caleb is back at the pool table and this time Diva is now outside with them. Caleb turns to Diva and says, "Some people are saying that you want to get rid of Brittany for personal reasons." Diva replies, "It was a personal reason. I said it was a personal reason." Caleb says, "Well, I think more people are wantin' Pow gone than Brittany." Diva says, "I don't care." He says that "it is what it is", but at the end of the day, it's all about who is more of a threat to the Bomb Squad. *beep beep beep* I interrupt this paragraph for a station identification..

I move that the phrases "it is what it is" and "at the end of the day" be stricken from the English language. All in favor say "Ay." *everyone screams 'Ay'* The Ays have it. We may now proceed...

And then Diva does something delicious. He says, "Pow over Brittany? That's stupid! That's stupid. It's because you're over there talking to Amber, bro." *bites fist* Oh no he di'in't! Oh yes he did! *claps hands* Surprisingly, Caleb doesn't really react and says, "Well, I mean..." Diva interrupts him and says, "No, it's because you're over there talking to Amber and that's where you're getting this from." Truth be told, Diva is kinda right. Caleb insists that Amber isn't a part of it and says, "I just remember the first Diva. He wouldn't put anybody up based on personal reasons."

The two then begin to bicker over who's the bigger threat. Caleb agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat, but some people may not think so. (I have no idea what point Caleb is trying to make. I hate to say it, but Diva is making way more sense here.) Derrick then interjects and says that Brittany will definitely nominate members of the Bomb Squad. Diva exclaims, "Exactly! Exactly!" Caleb mutters, "But..." Diva then tells him that this argument is stupid because everyone agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat and will come after them. Again, he's kinda right. Meanwhile, Caleb is busy "defending his queen."

Caleb keeps bringing up that Diva is making personal decisions while Diva keeps saying that this whole thing is stupid since they all agree. Caleb then says that maybe not everyone in the alliance agrees. Diva asks who. Caleb replies, "Who do you think? The two people you brought in." Diva says he just talked to Christine upstairs and she agrees with him. The only one who disagrees with it is Amber. Caleb replies, "Well, we should talk to Christine then." Diva says fine. He says that this is all Amber and that Caleb is lovestruck.

Diva watches Caleb play pool and says, "You're getting mad now." Caleb insists he isn't and says that whenever he brings something to Diva, Diva blows it out of proportion. He tells Diva that the girls are scared to death to talk to him because of how he talks to them. Diva has no idea what Caleb is talking about. Caleb says that Christine was scared and nervous to talk to him. The two bicker back and forth over Christine whether or not Christine was scared. (This conversation is SO stupid.) Caleb says, "At the end of the day Diva, it'll show in the votes." Does anyone anywhere have any idea what the hell Caleb is talking about?

Then Christine enters and Diva asks her point blank if she was scared of him. Christine says that she gets nervous any time anyone pulls her aside. Diva asks, "At any time we were in the room, were you afraid of me at all?" Christine chuckles and says no. Diva thanks her and then asks her how she feels about getting rid of Brittany. He says it wasn't a personal decision. It's just that he thinks Brittany would make the biggest moves. And this is where Caleb calls him out. Caleb says that earlier he said it was entirely personal and now he's saying it's not personal. (This is the lamest argument. The two of these meatheads are literally fighting over single words and how they agree on everything, but, hey, I'll take what I can get.) Diva then says, "Alright here, it's a little bit of both, bro. There you go! How about that? Are you happy? Are you satisfied?" Christine then hems and haws over how she's still undecided. Ugh, you're such a waste of an HG! Make a fucking decision. Play the damn game.

Diva then goes inside and Caleb and Derrick assure Christine that she did nothing wrong. Caleb then says that he should have just told Diva that everyone in his alliance wants him gone because of the way he treats people in the house. While that is a spectacular idea, you might not want to tell him that while he's HOH and can still nominate your ass. Derrick ends the discussion by telling Christine that the next time she talks to Diva, she should have another guy there. Why? Because we womenfolk can't be trusted on our own? Because we'll inevitably screw something up? Because you men are so much more level headed and smarter than us? Whatever.

Meanwhile, Frankie and Diva are now up in the HOH talking about the confrontation. Frankie begins, "What the fuck just happened?" Diva blames it on Caleb talking to Amber on the hammock. Frankie replies, "I know. I know." Diva paces and fidgets while talking with his mouth full (263 calories to be exact) about how he's the one who has always had Caleb's back when it came to Amber. Frankie laments about how it was unfair to drag Christine into it and Diva agrees. Diva insists that all he and Christine were talking about was Caleb and Amber. Frankie sighs loudly and comments how all of this makes him nervous. Diva chomps and says, "He's like a lovestruck puppy!" Frankie keeps repeating, "He'll be fine, he'll be fine. He'll come back around. He'll be fine."

Frankie moans about how everything was so perfect and they were sitting pretty until Amber. Frankie then says, "This has got to be all residual from that stuff that happened 3 days ago." It all finally makes sense to Diva and he immediately gets up and heads out the door. Frankie whines, "No stayyy. Stayyy."

Diva heads outside, pulls Caleb aside and says as plain as day, "There's no more alliance. We're done."

While it wasn't exactly Tanisha-like, it was at least something. At least we got a teeny tiny thump of something. It registered a -5 on the Richter Scale, but what can you do?

So, that's that. Will the boys kiss and make up today? Will Diva put a member of the Bomb Squad on the block if given the chance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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