Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ass Menagerie

Moliere, or maybe it was Sonja Morgan, once said, "One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." In the land of hippos live the great hippofied hippo-y hipster hypocrites. Their names are Jeff & Rachel. Through the murky swamps, the bottles of Pro-Activ and the copies of Homophobic Monthly there is only one guiding force: hypocrisy. What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander (Oh Sheila) and what goes around actually does come around. You see, unless you're an Oldie, you're not allowed to play the game of Big Brother. You're not allowed to strategize, you're not allowed to compete and you're not allowed to get rid of wretched red-headed hosebeasts. Just kindly shut up and let the withering old veterans play the game they came to play. Sit in your corner dumbly wearing a "Floater" sign and only speak when spoken to. Poppycock! You may be good in competitions Rachel and you may be dumbly loved by America Jeff, but neither of you are invincible and, I'm sorry to say, but life's a bitch. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and the big question on everyone's mind is: who will she nominate? After what sounds like a really gross Have/Have-Not competition, we find Kalia in the HOH venting to Shelly about Jordan. You see, all along Jordan has sat around in a useless lump just wanting to get to Jury. But today, for some reason (PMS), Jordan has decided to play the game and Kalia is unthrilled about it. People have bent over backwards for Jordan to stay in the house and get to Jury with Jeff. In Kalia's mind, Jordan has already gotten what she wanted all along so why should she do Jordan anymore favors? Why, indeed! Kalia tells Shelly that her plan is to nominate Rachel and Jeff, but she won't cry if Rachel wins POV and Jeff goes home instead. Jeff's being a dick and he won't give Kalia the respect she feels she deserves as HOH by going up and talking to her.

Shelly asks Kalia if she's ever considered who her final four would be. Would she ever consider a group like Shelly, Kalia, Dani and Lawon. Kalia says sure. The conversation turns to their respective financial situations. It turns out that being the Carrie Bradshaw of relationship blogging isn't all that lucrative (Christ, I could've told her that) and Kalia has only $300 in her bank account. Shelly, on the other hand, lives comfortably and it wouldn't kill her not win the $500K. Shelly would be just as happy coming in 2nd or 3rd or 4th. As I've always felt that need has nothing to do with reality show competitions, I could care less if these gals are millionaires or on welfare. Just play the fucking game and be deserving. That's all I ask. Anyhow, the conversation ends with a flimsy sort of a final four deal intact. Sure, Daniele or Lawon aren't privy to the details of the final four deal, but Shelly is happy and when Coyote Ugly is happy the world burps tobacco.

Reluctantly, Jeff & Jordan make their way up to the HOH. I say "reluctantly" because Jordan thinks she has this entire week already figured out and going upstairs to talk to Kalia is a waste of her time. In that little shriveled up thing she calls a brain, Jordan assumes that Daniele is pulling Kalia's HOH strings and that this is the week she'll be able to finally get Jeff out of the house. As much as I'd love for Daniele to be in charge again, she's not. Not at all. Kalia is running this ship all by herself and getting Jeff out of the house isn't her main priority. I suspect that Jordan has been infected by Big Red. I recommend a lethal dose of Cipro and a cornucopia of antibiotics to cure the infection. The sores will fester and stink, but don't scratch at them for fear of scarring.

So Jeff & Jordan enter the HOH and Jeff says he wants to know where Kalia's head is at. Kalia says that Jeff & Jordan are not her targets, but she wants someone in the POV competition that has a chance of winning. Her target this week is Rachel and Kalia wants to do anything she can to prevent Rachel from removing herself from the block. Nominating Jeff, so he'll get to play in POV, is an important part of the "Evict Rachel" plan. Well, this takes Jeff by surprise as he doesn't really want to be nominated. Jordan also doesn't react well because if Rachel wins, then Jeff is gone. Kalia says that's not necessarily true. She has other people she can nominate.

Jordan leaps out of her chair, tells Kalia that whomever gets evicted this week can come back into the house and that if Jeff leaves and returns, he'll be pissed. Oooohhhh scarrrrrry! Jeff is pissed off every second of the day. Who the fuck cares? Kalia reassures Jordan that Jeff is not her target. Jordan doesn't want to listen and has had about enough at this point. I couldn't figure out why Jordan was acting like such a bitch, but then I whipped out my black marble journal and quickly added some figures together. Jordan is PMSing right about now. Voila! It all makes sense. After some more angry hand waving and saying, "I knew it all along. I knew it all along.", Jordan storms out. Jordan is convinced that what Kalia is telling her is all a ruse. She's 100% certain that this is all part of Daniele's wicked plan to separate her from Jeff. Jordan, princess, you could not be more wrong.

So Jeff is left behind and now it's his turn to get all pissy. He tells Kalia she's making a big mistake and now she's his number one target. Kalia whines that he's not understanding her plan. Kalia, you don't have to explain shit to these assholes. Christ, at this point, I'd say go ahead and nominate both Jeff & Jordan. Those two mung beans deserve to be separated. Jeff continues by accusing Kalia of being overly influenced by outside sources. Ha! That's funny coming from a person also infected with Big Red sores. The gist of it is this: the Oldies get mad when they don't get their way. They had it easy for a month and now that they actually have to put forth some effort, they're not happy about it. To hell with all of them. That's what I say.

In the end, Kalia nominates Jeff & Rachel for eviction. Apparently, Kalia said some nasty things to Rachel in her speech and now Rachel is crying and writing MARTYR all over her face in red lipstick. Rachel's whole world is crumbling all around her. She lost her fiance, everyone is mean to her and now she's on the block. Hang on a sec. I've got to go get my violin. *slow melancholy tune plays* OK Rachel, continue. "I'm playing for second place! My fiance is gone! Who the hell do Dani and Kalia think they are?! Waahh waaahhh waaahhh! People keep stabbing me in the back! I have 50,000 knives in me! What did I do to deserve this??" *burble burble* Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I am so sick of these people bitching about floaters, bitching about HG's not playing the game, bitching about everything under the sun and then the second someone plays the game in a manner that doesn't suit their needs, they throw a hissy fit. This self-entitled bullshit was old in week one and it's even older here in week 85 (It has to be week 85, right? I swear this has been going on for an eternity.). Rachel, you're awful. No one likes you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can fade into oblivion and let your heavy-jawed fiance try to support you with the two nickles he's rubbing together.

Meanwhile up in the HOH, Kalia is flummoxed as to why everyone is mad at her. God, these people are so stupid. You can't nominate Rachel and Jeff and not expect them to react. I don't know why, but the Newbies never really reacted or even seemed to care when nominated. Well, the Oldies aren't like that. They're coddled and arrogant and hissy fits just come with the territory. Dani consoles Kalia by telling her that the nominees are just selfish and that she did so well in the last HOH competition. It's all bathed in ridiculousness. Kalia might be making a decent move, but she can't crumble the second one of her nominees gives her the stink eye. I'd be mad if someone nominated me. I'm sure Kalia would be mad if someone nominated her. Anger is part of the game. So is revenge. Tit for tat. Retaliation. The choices you make can either further your game or come back and bite you in the ass, but you've got to stand by them no matter what. I hate Rachel with a burning fiery passion, but you don't see her crying when she nominates someone. Kalia needs to man up.

Speaking of manning up, Shelly is doing some reconaissance in the Have-Not room with Jeff & Jordan. Both Jeff & Jordan are still incredibly pissy and they're due for a diaper change. Shelly is doing her bumper sticker "thang" when Jeff turns on her and questions her motives. He wants to know why Shelly told him yesterday that he was safe. He also accuses her of throwing the Have-Not competition (who the hell would ever do that?) to which Shelly becomes extremely offended. She can't believe he's questioning her loyalty.

Upset and on the verge of tears, Shelly explains to Jordan that all she's been doing all along is making sure that them two are safe. She tells them everything she finds out from the other side and, in turn, they pay her back by attaching themselves to a train wreck like Rachel. Go Shelly!She understands that Jeff is getting paranoid, but she also thinks they really need to stop listening to Rachel and the crap she's spewing. Jordan says they're only being nice to Rachel because Brendon is gone. I call bullshit. Bull. Shit. Jordan has been nice to Rachel all along. She indulges her in her dramas, believes her theories and has even begun acting like a self-entitled asshole herself. Rachel is like that monkey in Outbreak. She needs to be contained and kept away from the general public for fear of infection.

This brings us to BBAD where Shelly is in full blown tears. She's over the ridiculousness and she thinks everyone is acting like 3 years olds. She knows 7 & 8 year olds who are more mature than the people in that house. Shelly says the way Jeff said her name when he pulled it during the Have-Not comp was laced with an underlying cynicism. She says she knew in that moment that everything she's done for them has been for naught. She can't believe Jeff would accuse of throwing a competition. It's not her fault she's never seen a fucking yam in her life. Jordan covers her face with her hands and moans, "Oh Shelly." Oh shut up Jordan! Shelly is right. You guys are acting like petulant children. If there's one person who's been loyal to you, much to my chagrin I'll have you know, it's Shelly. The woman worships you guys. How can you not see that?

Jordan runs to get Jeff because, let's get real, Jordan can't deal with anything on her own. Jeff comes in and promptly calls Shelly stupid. Shelly wipes away her tears and seems to find her center again. She tells Jeff that by going around the house accusing random people of being Daniele's minions that he's essentially giving up. Jeff says he's not giving up at all and Shelly tells him, again, that it's fine that he's angry, but he can't go pissing off the entire house like he is. They talk about the Have-Not competition and there's a lot of talk about "shooting straight". Shelly calls herself a Trojan Horse and, actually, that's pretty accurate. She is kind of like a Trojan Horse. I'm bummed I didn't think of it first. Shelly cries some more and every lit cigarette across the planet went out with a sad deflated whimper. Shelly's a tough old broad and I have a feeling she doesn't cry much. These aren't fake Rachel tears. This is the real deal. Maybe Shelly is upset that the CBS Jeff & Jordan edit doesn't match the real life version. It's a heady thing when you realize the person you've looked up to is really just a heavily flawed bag of wind. You end up questioning yourself and your judgment. I get it Coyote Ugly. I get it.

I'm watching BBAD as I'm writing this so... Rachel in HOH with Kalia mumbling about how much she's a competitor... fast forward. She wants to win competitions.... fast forward. She wants to move forward with competitors... fast forward. Finally, she leaves! Not so fast. She corners Adam in the Storage Room and lectures him on how she's been in the game for 20 weeks and she's been fighting the entire time. Only 20? I was thinking more like 275.

I'm in a little bit of a hurry today so I'll end this with a conversation between Adam & Kalia. Adam is in the HOH and Kalia is telling him that she needs him to try for POV. She knows it's really easy for people without a target on their back to take prizes instead of trying, but she really needs him to try to win this week. He needs to start going into competitions thinking he'll win them. In between rubbing his sweaty feet in his sandals and then stroking his beard, Adam says he thought he did well in the spelling comp. Whatever Humpty Dumpty.

Kalia tells Adam that people in the house, the Oldies in particular, are annoyed with floaters and Adam could easily be seen as a floater (duh). Kalia implies that only she and Daniele are the ones doing the work for the Newbies by "creating diversions" while the rest of them just float by. Hold up there Kalia. You did nothing for like 3 weeks. It's fine that you're making a comeback, but let's not get carried away here. They discuss what the upcoming twist could be and neither of them believe it's as easy as the next evicted HG being immediately allowed to reenter the game. They wonder if it's maybe like when Rachel came back during BB12.

Kalia talks about appreciating the anger and passion in Jeff and I sigh knowing she's on another one of her "I love the sound of my voice" rants. When she's talking game, it's fine. I can accept it and I'll try to tolerate the valley girl accent. But when she's just talking to talk, it makes me a little insane. In the end, Adam says his goal is that a veteran does not win this game. That's all he cares about. He wants Kalia to understand that that includes Daniele as well. Daniele is still a veteran. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Whatever. Adam is a waste of space. He's nothing more than a poor casting choice. He'll go far, but that's only because he's too content not to do anything. I'll be surprised if he actually ever wins an HOH. His nonplaying skills rival that of Jordan. Oh my god, how much would it suck if Adam won BB13?

I'll leave you with that thought. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Bun Dusters

The giant lurchy hunched over king of the toe people has left the building and a miserable lip furling crimson haired soppy mess is left behind. Oh cruel and unfeeling world! To separate young love so callously, to rip the codependents from one another's arms, to keep nimble fingers and hands busy lowering a webcam just so... bless you heartless orb. Spinning through space with a mind of your own you often seem so impersonal, so cold. Today, you've shown us love. You can feel. Like William Shakespeare or Ramona Singer once said, "The earth has music for those who listen." Well, I'm listening Billy Boy and it sounds oh so sweet. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and never in my life would I have imagined I would be so happy about it. The house, like the fans, is decidedly split and I'm going to firmly take my stance on the side of Daniele Donato. She's not infalllible by any means. She's simply the lesser of many evils. I can't stand the whiny bullshit and the "blah blah blah's" make me want to stick my head into a vat of sulfuric acid, but she's better than Rachel. My god, she's better than Rachel.

So Brendon is gone and Rachel has an awful case of sads. Boo hoo hoo. Lick it up baby, lick it up. Wallow in your misery and get comfortable pumpkin. No one likes you. No one is rooting for you. The true measure of a woman is how she acts both when she wins and when she loses. When Rachel wins, she's an arrogant holier than thou asshole. When she loses, she blubbers and plays the victim. She blames the other Houseguests. She blames CBS. She blames everyone but herself. How can I root for someone like that? How can anyone root for someone like that? True to form, last night Rachel cried and insisted that CBS has rigged the competition in Dani's favor. Then again, she also thinks CBS rigged it for her to win and she accidentally screwed up. Look, I love myself a conspiracy theory and I do think that the POV player chips are rigged, but if anything was rigged last night - it was rigged in Rachel's favor. She's always done well in that particular competition. You have only you to blame Big Red so let the thick salty tequila tears stream down your face while none of us, NONE OF US, care.

As if this wasn't bad enough, Rachel launches into her "floater" rant. He's a floater, she's a floater, you're a floater, everyone everywhere (but Rachel) is a floater. Normally, I'm a big fan of f-words, but this floater business is a little out of control. A floater is someone who bounces back and forth from side to side of the house. They switch loyalties. They go where the power goes. The only floaters in this game up until now are Adam and Rachel. Adam has been, and always will be, a floater. Rachel floated last week when she wanted to rekindle her alliance with Daniele. To call Lawon and Kalia floaters anymore is to simply tell a bold faced lie. Lawon and Kalia have chosen their sides. As a matter of fact, Lawon chose his side well before Kalia chose hers. Just because someone isn't playing with you, Rachel, doesn't make them a floater. It makes them smart and intuitive and rational. We should make up a term for somone who willingly chooses to play with Rachel in the game of Big Brother. What could we call them? How about "Bun Dusters" or "Crumb Gobblers"? I don't know. Let me know. I'm sure we can think of something.

So there Rachel sat, crying and crying and crying. Jordan tried to cheer her up saying it's only 6 weeks until she can be reunited with her Frankensteinian boyfriend, but do you have any idea how many innocent women can find a penis in their email in 6 long weeks? A penis on the hour every hour comes to 1008 penises. That's a lot of dick! Furthermore, Jordan has been hanging out with Brenchel wayyyy too long. She's indulging Rachel in her "us v. them" bullshit and it's dulling her usually shiny happy dingbat veneer. Jordan is a nice girl, but you can't tell me that she doesn't see the ridiculousness in all of this? I mean, I know she's a little dim, but come on! Even Jeff looks at all the Brenchel bullshit with a roll of his eyes.

While Rachel cried and sizzled the sheets with her battery acid tears, Adam was in another room also crying. Yes, Adam. You see, this week is Adam's birthday and he really wanted to be HOH for it. He's also upset that he completely sucks at challenges and hasn't even come close to winning one. Well, I won't argue with you there Adam. I could maybe feel sympathy if you weren't such an awfully awful douchebag. That little dance you did last night? For crying out loud, it even made Julie uncomfortable! It wasn't funny and it wasn't cute. It was you mugging it up for the cameras again and contributing zero to the game at hand. To make matters worse, in between all the blubbering Adam whined about wanting a Tori Spelling birthday cake so he could eat chunks of her face. You know what? I'll bet you $1000 that Adam thinks CBS is scrambling behind the scenes to deliver him Tori Spelling in the backyard as a birthday present. I guarantee that's what he does all day. Instead of socializing and playing the game, he sits around and thinks CBS is planning amazingly wonderful 90210 surprises for the unlovable teddy bear. It's gross and it's transparent. To add insult to injury, I can see Adam easily squeezing through to the final four. If Rachel was really on an anti-floating campaign, she would have targeted Adam a loooooong time ago. Oh well Rachel -you snoooze, you lose.

What else? What else? Oh yeah Porsche cried too. It's dawning on her that Brendon, Rachel, Jeff & Jordan have been using her (ya think?) and she doesn't understand why Rachel keeps shooting her devil looks. Those aren't devil looks, Porsche. That's just her face. Porsche explains that she voted to keep Brendon in the game and she should be thanked not ostricized. Eh, Rachel is wrapped up in Rachel right now. She's too busy worrying if Brendon will figure out how to reconnect his Skype account than to worry about how Porsche is feeling. Could Porsche jump ship and join Dani's army? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. I hope so. Let's all kick Rachel while she down, right? *kicks a burgundy colored pillow until the stuffing oozes out*

Now let's talk a little bit about Coyote Ugly. Shelly's outfit was so Maria Bello last night. I couldn't wait for her to yell at the screaming frat boys and dump ice on their heads. Anyhow, Coyote Ugly knows she's in a tough spot. She teamed up with the Oldies earlier, but after Rachel's "f-bomb" last night on live TV, Shelly is a little more than mildly disgusted. I don't think she's disgusted enough to completely bail and join Dani, but I also don't think she'd miss Rachel if she were to suddenly disappear. Shady Shelly is a little nervous and you can tell. Her ass kissing is working overtime and the rent is due tomorrow. She didn't run to console Rachel. Instead, she hung out with Kalia and Dani. She mingled with Porsche. She put in a little face time with Adam. She's telling everyone to go ahead and be happy for their achievements. Celebrate! Cavort! Be proud! She'll support all the winners and hopefully, one day, she'll get to see her precious Josie. Girlfriend is working hard for the money and it'll be interesting to see if she talks herself right into a nomination.

Kalia gets her HOH room and it's basically a bunch of uninterested people watching a motormouth valley girl cry herself to kingdom come. Kalia opens her HOH door and completely loses her shit. Maybe it was all the macaroni and cheese in her fridge. I have no idea. There was a photo of her boyfriend that shocked everyone. Jordan thought he'd be preppy, but apparently he wasn't. Since I didn't catch it, I'll assume he looks exactly like the gentleman in the above photo. *flashes gang sign and bangs on chest*

Kalia reads her letter and it's a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo from some lady named Mamushka. Since I didn't see a photo of Mamushka, I will naturally assume she is the spitting of the woman in the above photo. She probably makes a mean borscht and doesn't take any lip from anybody. Mamushka for the win.

The night ends with Rachel trying to make a deal with Kalia. She says if Kalia doesn't nominate her this week, then Rachel won't go after her Italicnext week. It's probably true as I think Rachel has more of a vendetta with Daniele than she does Kalia. Kalia refuses to give Rachel a definitive answer and keeps saying that she doesn't know what she's going to do yet. Rachel congratulates her repeatedly and tells her she should proud of herself for taking out as many Oldies as she did. It's a thinly veiled insult wrapped in kiss assness and I'm pretty sure Kalia isn't falling for it. But, who knows? Kalia suffers a little bit from the Brenchel Bravado. She likes to gloat when she wins so any and all compliments coming her way are probably embraced and then eaten... whole.

I'm going to end this here as my car is finally ready and I've got to go pick it up. I expect the entire house to visit Kalia in the HOH before nominations and lots of incessant rambling from both Kalia's ass and mouth. It'll be interesting to see who she nominates along with Rachel. Will it be Jeff? Shelly? Jordan as a pawn? We'll see. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis

On the eve of the eve of one's demise, it's only natural for a person to act a little out of sorts. One might use arrogance and an overwhelming sense of "assholedness" to get through the day. Our subject may exhibit some unusual and unsavory behaviors as well. Whining, moaning, bitching, grumbling, dictating are all highly likely. Perhaps it stems from insecurity. Perhaps it's the deep gnawing stench of failure from within. Whatever the reason, whatever the coping mechanism we can't hold these things against our departing houseguest, can we? Of course we can assholes! Skypey McSkyperson is going home and I'm smelling a parade! Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a high pitched "Brennnndooooon". Birds fell out of the sky, butterflies exploded, bumblebees impaled themselves with their own stingers, the clouds cried acid and every single last earthling was struck deaf and dumb. It's Rachel and she's not happy. You see, Rachel is the embodiment of goodness and light. She's thinks only happy thoughts and farts only honesty. It hurts her soul that Daniele can be so mean to her. That bitch Daniele! How dare she play the game in a way that Rachel doesn't care for! How dare an evil witch like Daniele gets to stay in the house when Rachel's perfect and infallible chunk of man meat has to leave?! Victim Mutation Rachel tells us that it's humanly impossible for her to be fake and lie. It's not in her nature so when someone like Daniele comes along and acts all fake and stupid, it gives Rachel a bad case of the sads. Shelly to the rescue! If anyone can cheer someone up, it's Shelly. Propane smelling Shelly.

Shelly tells Rachel that they just need to stick together next week and start picking everybody else off. Brendon is there and he starts talking (again!) about how awful it would be if someone like Kalia or Lawon won the game. Shelly and Rachel agree. The klan meeting continues and Rachel begins to discuss Jordan. She prefaces every comment with a compliment, but really, underneath it all, is an insult. Jordan is so sweet and nice, but she shouldn't be allowed to win twice! Jordan is a pleasant country bumpkin, but she sucks hairy balls at competitions! Jordan is someone you'll be friends with for the rest of her life, but she's weak weak WEAK! Brendon nods in agreement while Shelly says it sucks that two members of her alliance are on the block.

Brendon switches gears back to Daniele and begins the endless bitchfest of how fake and "Orange County" she is. He can't stand fake people like that. Well, you know what Penis Boy, I can't stand heavy-jawed lurching man babies like yourself. When you get your way, you're an arrogant prick. When you don't get your way, you're a whiny little bitch. I know there's a been a lot of talk about you entering the house to rehabilitate your image, but let me end the suspense. You failed. I don't know how, but you actually managed to make yourself even more insufferable the second time around.

Speaking of Penis Boy, he wonders how Porsche will vote this week. Apparently, Porsche and Daniele hung out in the HOH room and now Brenchel is all paranoid as to where her loyalty lies. Shelly says she'll talk to Porsche later and find out. Here's the thing with Shelly, the more I get to know her, the more I'm impressed and horrified with her. Like I said several weeks ago, she's definitely playing the game. The problem is that she's been hanging out with Brenchel too much and their smug assholedness is rubbing off on her. When Shelly gives herself a mission - whether it's talking to Porsche, getting info out of Lawon, finding out details about Adam - she completes it successfully and then uses the information to carefully contruct her next move. I swear to god, she wakes up in the morning. hooks the coffee IV up to her arm and then makes herself a mental to-do list. She's determined and she's a go-getter. The only problem with that is that the more information she manages to get out of people, the more her confidence grows and the more wretched she becomes. Bravado and Shelly are like Bravado and Brendon - it's kind of gross.

Later Brendon & Rachel move to Have-Not room where a symphony of whines is taking place. Rachel is whining because she might be in the house without him. Brendon is whining that she should have mentally prepared herself for this moment. You see, the all knowing Brendon has been studying and practicing for this moment since the day he crawled out of his mother's vagina (the one without the reset button). He's had the foresight all of his life to get ready for this moment. Rachel clutches his ribbed tank top and tries to rustle up some sniffles. She's worried about Brendon in the outside world. How will she make it in the house without him? First off, the only thing Rachel is worried about is the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis. Brendon will have 24 hour access to a webcam and any number of strangers. Who knows where his penis could end up?

Later, as planned, Shelly has her meeting with Porsche. In an effort to get info out of Porsche, Shelly says that she'd never put Daniele on the block. Porsche agrees with her and Shelly says it's time they pick a side of the house and stick to it. Again, Porsche agrees. Finally, Porsche speaks up and says that she doesn't understand why Brenchel got so mad at her for talking to Daniele last night. They weren't talking game. They were just shooting the shit. Once Shelly has Porsche nice, comfortable and loose-lipped, she goes in for the kill. Shelly asks, "Would you ever put me on the block?" Porsche answers, "Probably not." Ha! Not even Shelly can hide her surprise when she asks, "Why do you say 'probably'?!" Porsche says she thinks if Shelly were to ever go on the block that she wouldn't go home. Shelly tightens up her leather and moves on.

Porsche suddenly says that she really wants Kalia out of the game. Shelly agrees and tells her that she needs to keep that information to herself. The conversation turns to Jordan and how, eventually, they'll have to put her on the block. Shelly answers with a very Brendon-like "Sure, sure." Have you ever noticed Brendon when he does that? It drives me fucking crazy. "Sure, sure, fer sure." Die. Anyhow, Shelly tells Porsche that she will NOT be voting Jordan out this week. She says that Daniele is HOH and that out of respect for her wishes to use Jordan as a pawn, she will keep Jordan in the game. Bullshit! Shelly will keep Jordan in the game, but not out of respect for Daniele. I think it's just her way of trying to get Porsche to trust her in the case that Porsche truly is tight with Daniele.

Meanwhile, this entire time Kalia is outside of the Tarot Room eavesdropping on the whole thing. It's a shame she didn't get there earlier when they were talking shit about her. Instead all she caught was Porsche and Shelly talking about how Kalia has started to contribute to the cooking and how Jeff is going to send a Cambodian child to culinary school. I don't know where it came from or what it means, but Jeff wants to adopt a Cambodian child and Porsche wants to go over there while they're eating crickets and slip them some Twinkies or some shit like that. It made no sense and I'm too lazy to look into it.

Now, when I first heard that Porsche was talking with Daniele I thought, "Oh, here's an interesting twist. Wouldn't it be great if Porsche turned on Rachel?" I sat and thought that perhaps I could give her a chance and see what sort of player she really is. I might even be able to support her a little if she abandoned Rachel and joined Daniele's army. But when she says stupid shit about trying to be famous or giving Pop-Tarts to insect eating Cambodians, it makes me hate her all over again. I don't know. I think I'd like her to usurp Kalia when it comes to Daniele, but she's got to stop the vapid "famous" talk. Hopefully, she can get over it and I can be done with Kalia once and for all. It's extremely difficult for me to listen to her speak. Not only is she always eating into her microphone, but she's INCESSANT. She never shuts up! You know it's gotta be bad if I'm seriously considering supporting Porsche.

Shelly checks "Talk to Porsche" off of her t0-do list and heads to the pool to feel out Kalia and Lawon. She's forceful, she's blunt, she's flat out almost abrupt. Shelly asks them if it's true they want to put her up on the block. Both Kalia and Lawon say no. They say they've never said that. Shelly switches gears and tells Lawon that he better start talking game because he has a huge target on his back. Lawon thanks her for letting him know and then tells her everyone he talked game with is out of the house now. I don't know what happened to nice sweet kiss ass Shelly, but this new Shelly is needs to rein in it a bit. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she's playing the game, but she's playing way too hard. I don't know what got her all nervous and fidgety all of a sudden, but it's going to hurt her in the end. She used to have the trust of the entire house. Now, she's Shady Shelly with only the Oldies on her side. Shelly assures Kalia & Lawon that she's not with the vets and that she'll be voting out Brendon this week. She may be voting out Brendon, but she's keeping Jordan. It's a flimsy argument that really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of things.

The conversation turns to the POV Ceremony and how Rachel cried when Brendon took her off the block. Kalia thinks Rachel knew all along that Brendon would be using the POV on her and the crying was fake and staged. Shelly asks, "Really?" I can't tell if it's a genuine "Really?" or a fake ass obliging "Really?" I just can't tell with Shady Shelly. Anyhow, Kalia says she's pissed off it was all staged because she actually felt bad and consoled Rachel when she was crying.

Shelly eventually disappears in a cloud of smoke and Lawon tells Daniele about their pool conversation. He thinks Brenchel put Shelly up to it which (yay Lawon!) isn't too far off the mark. Daniele cautions him to be very careful as to what he says to Shelly. Lawon nods and says, "Oh, I know." Lawon thinks Brenchel might be after him because they think he's a floater. Again, yay Lawon! He's figuring things out! I'm so proud. Daniele thinks Brendon will give a really mean speech on Thursday and Lawon agrees. He thinks the speech will be about him, but Daniele thinks it'll all be directed towards her and how she's splitting up a marriage. She can totally imagine Rachel shouting "This is for you Brendon!" if she wins any comps from here on out. *groan* I can too. Lawon says that he hates having to sleep with them. Apparently, Rachel has a vicious gas problem that Daniele describes as the smell of dead people trying to escape out of her ass.

Later in the HOH, Kalia and Daniele are talking about Brenchel. Kalia doesn't think they'll ever approach her or Lawon for their votes. Kalia thinks that they're using Lawon as a scapegoat and are just pinning stupid shit on him to make him look like a bad guy. Daniele agrees and the conversation turns to Porsche. Daniele says, "Take the Rachel out of Porsche and I like her a LOT more." I'm not sure how Kalia feels about bringing Porsche into the fold, but I know she'd be infuriated if Dani and Porsche suddenly became buddy buddy.

The conversation turns to Brendon and how he actually thought he'd win Big Brother. Kalia says he think he's hot shit and Daniele muttered something about him being "stupid". Kalia then suddenly begins to talk about sex and I came thisclose to shutting off my feeds. Kalia and sex is about as appealing as poking safety pins into my eyeballs. I want no part of it. It turns out that today Kalia is more interested in the sex Daniele has had with former HG's. Daniele wants to reply about Nick, but she covers her head with a blanket and mouths a response to Kalia. Some people thought Daniele said Nick was the "biggest", but come on. We've all seen the photos. That ain't true. Others thought she said Nick was the "best". Again, no way. Someone else swears she brought up James Rhine, but I must have missed that. I just think it's weird that two of the guys Daniele has hooked up with have both had online penis scandals. Too bad she hasn't hooked up with Jeff. The Dumbledore thing will probably never haunt him, but a good old fashioned penis scandal could actually have some shelf life.

And that's it for me today. They had the stupid fake wedding last night so look for that to hog up a huge chunk of air time this Thursday. Hopefully, they'll air the Matt/Ragan commentary as well, but who knows? I think it got bumped last week because of the last minute house fight footage. This wedding bullshit better not bump it again. Tomorrow is my day off so no blog. Look for Brendon to go home and an intense HOH to follow. If Rachel wins, lord help us. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Monday, August 1, 2011


Yesterday on Bridezillas, a crimson haired lip furling Vegas prostitute Martha Stewarted herself a wedding dress out of white trash bags. White. Trash. The jokes write themselves. Personally, I didn't watch the madness. An attention whore is an attention whore is an attention whore. But, it did get me thinking about the wedding to come. Hungover bridesmaids with bra straps peeking out behind irridescent slip dresses. Paid groomsmen shifting uncomfortably in rented tuxedos with missing buttons and lapels. The bride shooting up Patron while lying on the cold mildewy tiles of some Unitarian Church. The bridegroom cramming his giant toe into ill-fitting oxfords from Wal-Mart. The bouquet of daisies ripped from the church landscaping. Roots hanging out. Dirt speckling the blushing bride's spandex dress. William & Kate they are not. No architecturally stunning wedding cake here folks. We're talking Pillsbury and we're talking rainbow sprinkles. Chic c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a blister of a day waiting to be popped. A long drawn out morning where not much of anything happened. It rained. That was fun. It rained in California. Whoop dee fucking doo. Brendon & Rachel frolicked in it while Shelly sat wondering how long it will last and how soon she can get to work on those outside windows. A ciggie in one hand and some Windex in the other, Shelly was a ball of nervous energy waiting to strike. One thing about Shelly we haven't talked about too much is that fact that she rarely eats. I don't think it's an eating disorder thing. I just think that leather responds better to dry arid environments. Had Shelly stuffed her face with milks and cheeses her skin would pucker and where would that get us? It's just better all around that she lives off of smoke, gun powder, ammonia fumes and positive affirmations.

So the day dragged on and finally Jeff & Jordan go up to the HOH to talk to Daniele. Brendon has won the veto and a replacement nominee will be needed. They want to feel out where Daniele's head is at and come up with a plan. Daniele tells them first and foremost she does not want either of them going home. She'll do anything she can to keep them in the house. The problem is that she's a little worried that Brendon will remove himself from the block. She thought he'd be removing Rachel (he will be) and she wonders if Brendon stays on the block whether or not he'd get the votes to stay in the house. Part of Daniele is scared to put Jordan up. She thinks she'll be safe, but everything is a little sketchy now.

The three go through how the votes will go. Daniele thinks Adam, Lawon and Kalia would definitely vote to keep Jordan. For some reason, Daniele is unsure about Shelly. Jeff & Jordan quickly assure her that Shelly will vote to keep Jordan. Daniele still isn't convinced so Jordan says she'll talk to Shelly and figure out what she's thinking.

They talk about the possibility of putting up Porsche. She's friends with Rachel so if she were on the block against Rachel then it eliminates a vote for Rachel to stay. Jordan isn't so sure though. She thinks there's a good chance Porsche would go home and Rachel would stay. However, if Porsche were to go up, Jordan promises Daniele she'll vote however Daniele wants her to vote. Eh. I'm not sure I believe that. There are too many "what if's" if Porsche goes on the block. It's so strange to me that Daniele is even entertaining the thought.

Daniele expresses her concern over Shelly. She says Shelly has been acting strangely lately. Apparently, she may have been cheering for the wrong people during POV. I don't know what's going on there, but I suspect Daniele may have been beaten up by a wild band of cheerleaders in high school or something. Anything cheer-related, Daniele absolutely doesn't trust. The talk then turns to Adam. Adam is so flippity floppity wishy washy that they wonder if Brenchel could get to him and turn him this week.

The conversation ends with the threesome discussing the discrepancies in Brendon & Rachel's stories about who is coming off the block. Daniele swears that Brendon said from day one that he'd save Rachel if he had to and go back to school. Jeff swears he heard Brendon saying he'd save Rachel as well. In the end, Jeff tells Daniele that if he and Jordan make it through this week, that they will definitely show her love next week. The meeting ends and Jeff goes downstairs to tell Adam that Daniele wants to talk to him.

Adam enters the HOH and he thinks that Daniele should nominate Porsche. He says Porsche is a vote for Rachel so it might be good to put her up on the block and eliminate her vote altogether. Daniele tells him she was thinking about Jordan and Adam nods. He agrees that Jordan would be another good option. Adam says that if it was Jordan v. Rachel, Jordan would definitely stay. They go over how everyone could vote and it seems like Jordan will be safe no matter what. Adam is just worried that Brendon will get mad at him. Ugh. Adam, why are you here? Seriously? The primal screams, the 90210 bullshit, the hamming it up for the cameras, the constant plugs for BB sites... NO ONE CARES. You're just as bad as Porsche thinking she'll get famous from Big Brother. You think you're part of this inner circle of HG's now when really you're a crappy player who'll fade into oblivion just like 90% of the other former HG's. Actually, do porn or skype your penis. That'll keep you relevant for a hot minute.

Adam and Daniele then talk about the possibility of a former HG coming back. Daniele says they do it every 3 years, but they couldn't last year because Julie screwed up in her interview with Andrew. Annie was actually kept in sequester for weeks. There was every intention of bringing an evicted HG back into the game, but when Julie mentioned Matt's wife's fake diseased leg, she gave away too much info and they had to scrap the idea. Daniele thinks that maybe they're going to try to do it this year instead. I'm inclined to agree. Keith, Cassi and Dominic are ALL still in sequester. Let's say Brendon goes home this week. My best guess would be, put to a public vote, that either Cassi or Dominic gets brought back into the game. Now, I never vote when CBS asks us to, but for this, I would. 100%. I'd vote as many times as I could for Cassi. Dominic coming back into the game doesn't appeal to me because I hate having to listen to him and Daniele stealth whisper the night away. Daniele is only a fraction of herself when Dominic is around. The more interesting option is Cassi and watching Daniele pull Cassi into the fold before someone like Shelly could get to her and pull her the other way. Think about it. Kalia would tell Cassi how Shelly voted that first week and voila! We've got ourselves some drama.

Outside in the backyard, Jordan is finally get a little leathery face time with Shelly. She tells Shelly that she's worried about how the votes will go if she's on the block against Rachel. With nary a smoky inhale, Shelly tells Jordan she'll be, without a doubt, safe. That should have been the end of the conversation right there, but noooooo. Jordan goes on and on running her mouth about everything Daniele said in the HOH. She tells Shelly how Daniele hates cheerleaders, how thet talked about the possibility of Porsche going on the block and how Daniele wonders where Shelly's loyalty lies. Jordan said too much, but I guess that's the power of Shelly. She's the one person you feel safe telling shit to. And, gamewise, that's a good position to be in I guess. The bloom is coming off the rose a little bit with me and Shelly. I still like her, but I was a little turned off during the CBS show last night when she called Daniele and Kalia a "low class of people". I mean, Kalia is a windbag of fecal matter and Daniele is a spoiled brat, but to call them a "low class of people" just because they're not crawling up Brenchel or Jeff & Jordan's ass was a little extreme. Shelly is on my "wait and see" list for the time being.

This brings me to BBAD. I'm skipping all the Rachel wedding bullshit because it's just another way for her to air time and, believe me, she'll get it. You'll puke when you see it so eat light before the Wednesday and Thursday shows this week.

So now we have Brenchel up in the HOH making one last final plea to Daniele. Brendon wants to know what Daniele is thinking. She responds and says, "What are you guys thinking?" Brendon tells her he'll be using the POV to remove himself from the block (lie). Dani asks him what made him change his mind and Brendon tells her that he feels like he can get further in this game. He then asks Daniele if she's considering working with them again, as a couple, in the game. Daniele says it's out of her power because she doesn't even have a vote. LOL. No offense, but that was so lame. I mean, I know she's stringing them along, but she still has the power to put someone on the block. Brendon & Rachel aren't idiots and they promptly tell her she should nominate Lawon because he's a floater. I swear to god, every time I hear them say the word "floater" I yank a fistful of hair out of my head. Has it not hit them yet that THEY are the ultimate floaters this week? The hypocrisy makes me insane!

Daniele tells them that she doesn't think anyone would actually vote out Lawon. Rachel asks, "Not even over me?" Daniel just shakes her head. She says the last thing she wants to do is make even more enemies in the house right now. Rachel tells her that by putting up Lawon and saving Brenchel, everyone will be happy and she'll be thrown a parade or some shit like that. It's just a bunch of lies. Brenchel are offereing Daniele safety to keep them in the game, but you and I (and Daniele) all know that saving Brenchel means ousting Daniele. Brenchel are desperate and desperation makes them stupid.

Brendon tells Daniele that if she keeps them safe, then it's a clean slate. He promises he'll be winning HOH next week (lie, he'll be gone). If not him, then Rachel. It's a thinly veiled threat with enough holes to make a delicious slice of swiss cheese. He says something about pushing a reset button and I wonder if I can push the reset button on his mother's vagina. Maybe it'll suck him back into the void from whence he came and we'll never have to listen to his heavy-jawed bullshit ever again.

The good news is that Daniele isn't falling for any of this bullshit. Look for Brendon to remove Rachel from the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, a Glad product faux wedding to take place and Brendon to go home. My apologies in advance, but no blog tomorrow. Real life intervenes. I'll be back on Wednesday. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Sunday, July 31, 2011

One Flew Over The Rachel's Nest

Yesterday on Swamp People, the planet Earth shriveled up into a tiny raisin because a mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant named Kalia sucked up all the air, all the words, all the atoms and left us in the state we find ourselves today. If only we had the foresight to hook her up to a generator. Her incessant talking could have saved us instead of killed us. The energy crisis would be over and the corpses that line the streets would be full of life instead of rotting and covered in maggots. When Kalia speaks, PEOPLE DIE. She says "Hello" and an innocent woman in a grocery store falls over dead in a pile of legumes. Her words have power - tiny little vicious shards of deadly power. To any survivors left: plug your ears with whatever you can find; tampons, cotton balls, hot wheels, raisins. Do it now and meet me under the clocktower at noon. I found a t-shirt gun in an abandoned warehouse and I've filled it with potato chips. It's our only line of defense. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a slow and lazy morning. These assholes insist on staying up all night so, of course, they like to sleep all morning. Except for Shelly. Steel wool for hands, bathtub brushes for feet Shelly. There's grime to tackle and hard water stains to fight. Shelly to the rescue! So anyhow, the POV players were finally picked (Daniele, Brendon, Rachel, Porsche, Adam, Jeff) and Kalia began her assault on the world. Like me, Kalia thinks the bag o'names is rigged. She thinks it's highly suspicious that her name wasn't pulled while I think it's a little strange she can stick an entire turkey in her mouth. *shrugs shoulders* To each her own.

Daniele chose Lawon to be our Kapowlicious host and right then and there we knew it would be a looooooong POV competition. Lawon isn't a dumb guy, he's just unaware. He's unaware of his surroundings. He's unaware there's a game going on. He's unaware of his shoes. It's ok though. We forgive Lawon his shortcomings because we know he's not a bad guy. He's not malicious and he's not unbearable. He's just a man with an exceptional collection of knee high socks and giant ties. While he may look fabulous, I think we all know that memorizing his hosting lines will be a little like trying to get Kalia to stop entering a room with a belch. It's just isn't going to happen.

From what I can gather the POV competition had a Name That Tune element to it that may or may not have included a balance beam. The HG's had to guess how many seconds it would take them to complete something. What, I don't know. What I do know is that Brendon won the POV and Jeff was furious. For over an hour after the competition ended, Jeff went on and on about how it was his competition to win. He says he forgot Porsche was even there - he often forgets she's in the house too - and somehow she screwed up his game. The part that I thought was interesting was how Jeff kept saying how he was supposed to win that comp. He was supposed to take the victory. But he made a stupid mistake and blew it. If I didn't know any better, I'd cry shenanigans on the DR. There was something in Jeff's tone that made me think he was tipped off somehow. Jeff isn't a guy who's confident about competitions. In fact, he's always very self-deprecating. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I'll bet the Pentagon knows the truth.

Up in the HOH room, Shelly is telling Daniele that Brendon wants to stay in the game. Daniele has a hard time believing that and says that from the very beginning she's heard that if it was between the two of them, Rachel would stay in the game. Shelly is clearly trying to feel out where Daniele's head is at, but it's coming out all wrong. She looks panicked and worried. When she finally leaves the room, she shouts, "Don't put me up!" Daniele looks at Kalia and says, "She's sketchy as hell." Daniele says she doesn't want Brendon to stay in the game, but she' not going to tell Shelly that. She doesn't understand why Shelly is pushing for Brendon to stay. I'll tell you why: it's because Rachel is a fucking nightmare to have to live with and Shelly can work Brendon much easier than she can work Rachel. Shelly's not a dumb lady. She sees what's going on. She sees that Rachel or Porsche are tight. She knows Rachel will throw her under the bus in a heartbeat (and she already has!). Shelly is just doing what's good for Shelly's game. The problem with that is it makes Daniele suspicious. Daniele now wonders who she should put up: Shelly or Jordan. Putting up Shelly would be the worst move she can make. All she needs to do is put up Jordan as a pawn and be done with it. Whichever half of Brenchel stays on the block will go home and that's that. If she puts Shelly up, she runs the risk of having the votes go the wrong way. For crying out loud, even Kalia wants Shelly out!

While Jeff was complaining to Jordan in the Tarot Room and Daniele was going over her options in the HOH room, Brendon & Rachel were complimenting each other in the Have-Not room. Brendon tells Rachel he'll take her off the block and in an instant, she morphs into a baby talking, lip furling, cooing, ooey gooey marshamallow puff version of her former self. I've never seen anything like it. Right before my eyes the fierce angry exterior melted away and a vomitiocious nose scrunching thing took it's place. They hugged and canoodled. She told him how amazing he was. He nodded and said, "I know." She told him how soothing his voice is. He nodded and said, "I know." I put my shish kabob skewers over the fire pit and prepared to impale my innards. Seriously, who really needs a spleen? And pancreas? Overhyped, if you ask me.

The Rachel mutation continued as an overwhelming sense of confidence and relief took over her body. She filled in her eyebrows, began the laborious process of covering up her chin-ce (That's chin acne. Pronounced "chin-key") and decided that maybe there's a way to keep them both safe. Now, I don't know what planet Mutation Rachel hails from, but I don't think it's one in the Milky Way. It has to be from another galaxy where up is down, hot is cold, right is left and red-headed bird people are worshipped. It's probably one of those planets in Flash Gordon where everyone's blood is blue and they play football with Faberge eggs. Rachel actually thinks that she can get Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon in her stead. Also, even though Brendon will use the POV to remove Rachel from the block, they're telling everyone he'll use it to remove himself. It's some sort of cockamamie test to see how the other HG's respond.

Brendon & Rachel are pretty much done with Jeff & Jordan, but they want to keep up appearances so they go into the Tarot Room and begin to tell them their plan of getting Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon. Without hesitation, Jeff shakes his head and says there's no way she'll do that. Mutation Rachel must be deaf because she continues to explain how her plan will work. Jordan chimes in and says, "Daniele won't do that." Mutation Rachel's eyes glaze over, her head spins around and she says she'll pitch a deal to Daniele to bring the Oldies Five back together. That's like trying to get Diana Ross to rejoin The Supremes. It isn't gonna happen!

Later, Jeff begins to wonder why Rachel is so damn confident she's not going home. She seems chipper and upbeat when, normally, she'd be ripping the heads off of squirrels and smearing the blood all over herself. He thinks that maybe Brendon & Rachel have a deal with Daniele that he doesn't know about. Jordan wonders if perhaps they should go Daniele and start making suggestions that'll guarantee that either Brendon or Rachel go home. She wants to be sure that Brenchel doesn't get to Daniele first. It's a decent idea, but Jordan should realize that the only way to really assure Brenchel's demise is for herself to go on the block. Anyone else is a risk. Jordan is the only answer.

Meanwhile, Porsche is worried that she'll go on the block. Apparently, she did well in the POV and she thinks that it will make her a target now. Mutation Rachel responds with, "I'm so proud of my fiance." Porsche revs up her engine and sputters that she's a target now for hanging out with Brenchel. Rachel tells her to go up to the HOH and make a deal with Daniele. She says to lie and pledge her allegiance when really she'll just use it to stay safe and then go after Daniele next week. Mutation Rachel must have gotten some spittle on Porsche or something because Porsche is actually annoyed that Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Como what? *shakes head* I feel like I need a hit of acid to understand what the hell these bitches are talking about today. Rachel thinks Brenchel will stay intact and Porsche is mad Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Where's Nurse Ratched because I'm pretty sure I'm in the Cuckoo's Nest right about now?

Let's take a much needed respite from all the assbackwards logic and treat ourselves to a little prank. Some HG's are outside while Kalia has beached herself on the hammock. Shelly bets everyone she can crawl underneath the hammock without Kalia even knowing she's there. As Kalia is in a potato coma, I'm obliged to agree with Shelly.

Shelly begins her approach with cat like stealth. Ass perched in the air, one bony knee after another, Shelly creeps up to her prey unnoticed.

Once she's reached her target, Shelly ignores the overwhelming stench of Frito's and salsa con queso and begins to slither her way underneath the mammoth sleeping giant.

One might think this is just a simple ground maneuver, but when you consider the possibility of portly Kalia crushing Boniva Betty, you'll understand just how dangerous this is.

Holy guacamole!

*wipes brow* Phew! Shelly lives to laugh another day.

After the gentle beast was awakened and given some attention, she began running her mouth and running her mouth and running her mouth. I guess it's the only exercise she gets, but come on! I can't listen to the Valley Girl bullshit anymore. Sure, she did well in the comp and, sure, she's anti-Brenchel, but she's a lying hippo hypcorite and it makes me insane. In one breath she says she has an amazing life and in the next she reveals she only has $300 in her bank account. Unless $300 is code for $3,000,000 dollars then Kalia is from the same planet that Pinto and Mutation Rachel are from. I'm sitting here fast forwarding through BBAD wondering when she'll shut the hell up. In the meantime, I can feel the oxygen being sucked out of the room and my organs beginning to shut down.

Finally, in the last hour I find Daniele in the Have-Not room with Mutation Rachel. Daniele is apologizing profusely and saying that everything up until now was what was best for her game. She hopes Rachel doesn't take it personally and Rachel mumbles, "It's ok. It's not a big deal. It's was stupid for me to think you can have friends in this game." *stabs self in ear with a screwdriver* Pity party of one, SHUT UP. If she's not gloating, she's pouting. Vile, vile woman. Daniele hopes that once they leave the house, they'll realize it's all a game. After all, Rachel is friends with Ragan now. Rachel doesn't hear any of it. She says shit like, "You're coming after me and my fiance." Bitch, Ragan destroyed you and you guys are besties now. Get over it!

Well, I'm going to end this here. I'd like Brendon to take Rachel off the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, Brendon to go home and Kalia to eat Rachel's face. In the meantime, I'll load some oxygen tanks into my basement. I'm sure Kalia will have something to say about something and, I don't about you, but I'm not ready to die for that bitch. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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