Saturday, August 8, 2009

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Doug Hughley. Spence Kovak Henry Castillo. Jerry Capen. Dean Kansky. Dean Gordon "Cheese" Pritchard. Buddy Israel. Ari Gold. Who are these people you ask? Well, every single one of them was in the Big Brother house yesterday. I'll give you a hint... Who can forget this exchange from SINGLES between Doug Hughley and Steve Dunne?:

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm talking about the actor Jeremy Piven or, in some circles, The Pivert. I used to have an abnormal crush on Mr. Piven. He was never really the "good looking guy", but he was so fucking funny that his sense of humor made up for everything he lacked physically. His best friend is John Cusack and I loved seeing them together in SERENDIPITY. I told you I was a movie dork. I meant it.

My admiration of Jeremy Piven fell to the wayside after he publicly blamed Ellen Degeneres' coming out as a lesbian for the reason the show Ellen was cancelled. Jeremy played Ellen's best friend on that show and he very famously blamed Ellen for turning it into "the gay show". Then he got hair plugs. Then he became king of the douches on the Hollywood scene. Then he got Entourage and he won a few awards... and how we can forget "SushiGate"? I am no longer enchanted with the talented Mr. Piven and I find it very odd that he graced Big Brother with his presence. Apparently, he has another douchey movie coming out. It's called THE GOODS. For his sake, I hope it does better than SMOKIN' ACES. Nevertheless, Jeremy Piven made a visit to BB yesterday to pimp his movie and host the Have/Have-Not competition.

LONGEST Have/Have-Not competition ever! Feeds went down for several hours, came back for a few minutes, went down again for another several hours, came back for a few minutes, and then went down again for nomination ceremony. Yesterday might have set the record for longest day without feeds in BB history.

First, let's discuss the Have/Have-Not. Jeff, Lydia, Kevin and Michele are the Have-Nots this week and Jeff is PISSED OFF. He threw a little tantrum almost rivaling the one thrown by Jessie last week. It seems the Wizard doesn't like to be on slop and the fact that America chose Liver & Limes doesn't help at all. Can I just say that Jeff must never be made to suffer? For the sake of all that is good and holy in the world, Jeffy Pooh must be kept happy at all times. When Jeff whines, the delicate balance we know as Nature stops abiding by it's rules. Grasshoppers begin to devour lions, rain starts fires, SHE by Sheree becomes successful, and La Lohan begins to wear panties. It's utter chaos I tell you... chaos! Lydia, on the other hand, couldn't really give a shit and doesn't utter a word.

Seriously, Lydia went mute. Maybe The Pivert touched her in her naughty place or something. I don't know. But Lydia refused to talk to anyone after the compeition was over. Big Brother even had to call her into the DR to reprimand her. They told her she couldn't play the game silently and to get her act together. Remember this little nugget. It's important later.

Russell walked out of the Have/Have-Not competition with a ticket to The Goods and $10,000. Yikes. Winning money in BB early on could be an HG's ticket home. Natalie even told Chima to use the fact that Russell won money as a reason for him to go on the block.

Chima spent yesterday afternoon summoning the HG's up to the HOH. Bitch has a mission and a unique approach to accomplishing it. First, she spoke with Kevin. She's defensive and cackle-y foaming at the mouth over how "Russell isn't even my man!". Uh yeah bitch, he thinks you're a freak. She calls Lydia a slut in a not so roundabout way and complains about how Lydia will jump to forgive a man but not a woman. Chima wants Lydia to forgive her for her past regressions. If she doesn't get her pardon from Lydia, Lydia is going on the block. Kevin tells Chima that he's been trying to get Lydia to see how the men are using her, but his "gay powers" don't seem to be working, "Lydia needs to do whatever she does when she forgives Russell and Jessie and apply it to Chima." Chima tells Kevin that she told Lydia in week one that she wanted a female to win the show. She assures Kevin that he is indeed one of the girls. Kevin says, "It needs to be the Strong Female edition. Not the Dumb Bitch edition." This delights Chima as she interprets it to mean that she is a "strong female" and she tells Kevin he will not be going on the block.

Chima continues her reign of terror on Jordan. She tells Jordan, "I'm not putting you up, but I'd like you to vote Russell out." Jordan, her glassy eyes open wide, nods her head ferociously disturbing her shiny pretty marbles and says, "I was just going to vote how everyone else votes." She's ecstatic she's not on the block and when Jordan gets happy we all know what she does. No, not eat cookie dough. She opens up her vault and does a show and tell presentation unlocking her innermost secrets. She tells Chima a story Russell told her about sleeping on the floor with his brother. That made Jordan think that Russell's family didn't have any money, but then she found out his mom is a Vice President of a bank and now she thinks that Russell's family is rolling in the money. A real life bank isn't like Monopoly Jordan. You can't just take the money home whenever it strkes your fancy. And p.s., never ever ever tell a story again. My eyes roll back into my head (and not in a good way) and I kick kittens whenever you weave a tall tale. For the sake of innocent kittens everywhere, shut your trap.

Chima goes on and on about Russell and all the reasons he should be on the block and I kind of began to wonder, who is she trying to convince? The other HG's or herself? She thinks that if she doesn't get Russ out now, then he'll be after her next week. She tells Jessie it's a good thing if a man goes home because he's a threat to Jessie. Jessie scoffs a little, shrugs his ginormous shoulders, and stays contemplative. He's still pissy that Jeremy Piven called him out for not paying attention to the trailer for The Goods. Then Chima does it again... she calls Russell a terrorist and claims one of Russell's friends flies planes. Seriously? Seriously Chima? This is what you've reduced yourself to? You ignorant cunt. The woman who claims to loathe racial profiling has an uncanny ability to label a fellow HG as a terrorist any chance she gets. If she had any book smarts whatsoever, she'd know that most Lebanese are devoutly Christian and even if they weren't, even if they were all Muslim, who cares?!? For such a headstrong young woman, she sure does stupid well.

Chima finishes her pre-nomination threats by asking Jeff if he'll vote out Russell. She seems satisfied with all of the responses she receives and goes on to nominate Russell and Lydia for eviction. Russell is now a defeated man. He's mopey, quiet, pensive, and broken. He keeps to himself overanalyzing every single thing he's said and done in the game thus far. You can just tell he's playing and replaying mini Big Brother videos in his head.

Meanwhile Jessie has been busy doing his own thinking. He's been working overtime trying to figure out who the Wizard is and I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Jessie is actually very intuitive. He's figured it out. He knows Jeff is the Wizard and he's scared shitless. I still despise the Manbeast and find him repulsive and self-serving, but I've really got to hand it to him. He's played remarkably well this season. He's hyper sensitive to the way people act and figured out Jeff was the Wizard before anyone else even entertained the thought. This Wizard Power is essentially Jessie's worst nightmare. As soon as he heard America was picking the Wizard, Jessie stopped fantasizing about doing squat thrusts in the backyard and became a shifty paranoid Manbeast instead. He is wound so tight now that the teeniest tiniest things set him off into a tail spin.

Last night in the HOH, Jessie is telling Natalie and Chima that Jeff is the Wizard and that he's probably going home. Natalie laughs at him and tells him he's imagining things. Chima giggles too saying that Jessie is acting like that Jamiroquai song, "Paranoia will destroy ya" (love 'Canned Heat' by the way, obsessed with CENTER STAGE). Then Chima starts to really think about it... could Jeff be the Wizard? Could Jessie be right? She finally says, "I've been thinking it was him since the beginning." No you weren't bitch! You were convinced it was Michele.

Chima, Natalie, and Jessie discuss the possibility of Jeff actually using the power. Chima and Natalie don't think he will. Jessie isn't as confident. Natalie calls him paranoid for the twentieth time and Jessie replies, "You haven't lived how I've lived." Only the gentle Manbeast knows the true woes of the Big Brother experience. You haven't lived until you have had a Manchelle rub your calves for hours on end. Chima, quickly sensing the attention is not on her, pipes up and says that if anyone dare uses the power while she's HOH, she's going to throw a tantrum on the CBS show next Thursday night. Oh how divine! You all know how I love Thursday night antics. I don't care who does it (even someone as loathsome as Ronnie) I'm all about the drama. The more these HG's make fools out of themselves the more my no-no tingles. That being said, I can't wait for Chima to throw a bitch fit on live tv. Her bitch fits are all she's really good for anyways.

OK so this brings us to BBAD. Remember how I told you Lydia refused to speak earlier? Well, that comes into play now. Michele and Natalie were playing chess. Michele, completely awkward and strange, tells Natalie that Lydia told Jessie she wanted Jeff out out of the house. Natalie, doing what Ragamuffin's do, immediately runs to Jessie and tells him. Jessie, playing pool and losing, relays the information to Lydia. He tells her how Michele told Natalie that Lydia wanted Jeff out. Lydia says something to the effect of, "What are you talking about? I haven't been speaking all day." Jessie remembers how Lydia was doing her Helen Keller impression earlier and says, "Yeah, what's up with that?" Lydia tells him, "I wasn't speaking at all up until a few minutes ago. The DR yelled at me and told me I had to talk." They go on to discuss what a liar Michele is and how she must be after Lydia now.

Jessie goes inside and talks to Natalie and Chima. He tells them about how Lydia wasn't talking at all and that Michele totally lied about the Jeff remark. Natalie, frizzy and talking with her mouth full, erupts and screams, "Why did you even say anything to her?" Jessie explains that Michele brought his name up first and that this is a very delicate week for him and he doesn't need anyone making up lies about him right now. Remember Jessie thinks Jeff has the power. Word gets back to Jeff that Jessie was involved in a conversation to get rid of him and Jeff will seek retribution. Jessie has every right to be angry, but Natalie is only really mad he was talking to Lydia. Jealousy turns her into a tunnel-visioned freak with only "death to Lydia" on her mind.

Meanwhile Lydia is outside and she approaches Jeff immediately to squash the rumor Michele has been spreading. Jeff listens calmly, nods, and goes about his resting in the hammock. THEN Lydia approaches Michele at the washing machines. She asks Michele why she said what she did. Michele fidgets ,yanking at her ears and clawing out her eyes (no, not really, but she will one day I'm sure), and manages to spew out something about how she thought she heard Lydia talking to Jessie. Michele then pees her pants, squeezes her own nipples, snorts maniacally, and apologizes to Lydia for any indiscretions. Lydia calls her a "Pee Pants" and kicks her in the face. OK so maybe portions of those last 2 sentences may have been fabricated, but that's how I imagined it all going down.

Inside Jessie is still beating a dead horse. He's sassily throwing things in the trash can and slamming the lid shut. He just won't let it go that Michele dared to utter his name. Natalie is still hooting and holllering, grabbing her crotch, and spouting profanities over how Jessie breathed the same air as Lydia. Who cares if Jessie is in danger? He talked to Lydia! They should both be put to death.

Then... it happened... the most beautiful phrase filled with truth and covered in rhinestones was uttered. Michele tells Russell, "You know I don't have the best communication skills." The choir sang, the clouds parted, angels played their harps, and somewhere Debbie stood up and cheered. (If you're new here, Debbie is part of Michele's imaginary backstory. You can find Michele's tales of Sapphic love in past blogs) I don't know why but when Michele admits her shortcomings in all things social, I giggle. I giggle and my army of singing mice sew me a dress. It's a fantasy come to life. I can't explain it.

So yeah Michele sucks and Russell listens to her telling him how much she sucks. He agrees with her (duh) and somehow a fight breaks out. Michele is mad about the last Algonquin Round Table meeting. She didn't appreciate how Russell called her out in front of everyone and she tinkles herself again whining about how mean he is. Her voice raises 18 octaves making Mariah Carey very jealous and she just whines and whines and whines... and if I had Imitrex I'd take it. When Michele whines, blood vessels burst. It's as simple as that. She's whining and moaning about how she can't keep straight all the lies she tells. This following is the conversation verbatim:

Michele - "I do not have a good memory. I do not. "
Russell - "You're a PhD for chrissakes!"
Michele - "Yes, I do have a good memory"

And.... scene! I couldn't have written more ridiculous dialogue if I tried. Oh who am I kidding, of course I could.

Michele - "I like to tinkle"
Russell - "I really think you should go the restroom Michele"
Michele - "Look at me tinkle! Look at me go! Pee pee is fun!"

And... scene!

They continue to talk in circles for a while and Russell brings up the erectile dysfunction statement again. That statement really rubbed Russ the wrong way. He equates it to a man telling a woman she can't have kids. He says it's shitty and if he said that to Michele she'd blow up. Huh? Any man who tells me I can't have kids gets a big sloppy kiss, but that's just me. Kids are so selfish. To hell with them! (I'm totally kidding. I worship my niece to death even though she called me Peepee for several months). Michele fondles herself, rips off her bra and tells Russell he made a fool of her.

Michele, continuing on her crazy train, loses her shit and starts screaming, "Fuck you! Fuck you Russell!" She runs up to the HOH to tattle on Russ to Chima. She starts licking her face again talking about how Russell is rude to her. Chima consoles her, secretly doing a cheerleading routine in her head, and tells Michele with a smile on her face, "This is why it only has to be girls in the end." It's like a cult member seeking approval from their demi-god. Creepy. Natalie sees it as an opportunity to bring Jessie up again. She mentions the whole thing about Jessie telling Lydia what Michele said.

Michele, wiping her own feces on the walls, turns on Jeff and says that Russell and Jeff are in cahoots together having made a Final 2 deal. Chima still obsessing over Russell says, "I don't care about his penis! I don't care if his penis doesn't work!" Yeah ok Chima. You wanted that penis more than life itself last week you lying freak. The girls band together in a wild renegade group of ineffectiveness and trash Jeff saying he should have stood up for Michele. That's all it takes. Jeff is now an enemy. He's an evil male and he must be punished. Michele thinks if Jeff has the power he'll take Russell off the block and put Michele up. Chima cackles, "If he takes Russell off he's a dumb motherfucker. Russell can beat him at every physical game. I'm coming after Jeff's ass if he keeps Russell." Chima is now on a total manhater kick saying that she thinks Jeff would vote to keep Russell over Jordan if given the opportunity.

The Scorned Woman Posse then turns their fangs on Lydia. Natalie says Lydia goes wherever the power is. Chima says, "No. I have the power and she's not on my side." Natalie then bitches about Lydia's shoes being next to Jessie's bed and how Lydia should be burned at the stake and blah blah blah it's the same old same old. Chima says the Ooffbeats should have been called "Off Kilters", but says she actually likes Kevin. Michele calls Kevin a liar and they're off and running. Michele then commits the ultimate sin. She says Russell and Jeff were making fun of Jordan. She's implying that Jeff makes fun of Jordan behind her back and insults her intelligence. I know, I know ladies... grab your pitchforks and start marching to Studio City. I knew that info would send Jeff/Jordan fans in a tizzy.

So that's it. That's the fat. That's the skinny. Michele is certifiable and Chima is drunk with power. POV will be VERY interesting. Super important Jessie or Natalie doesn't win. I'm not sure if I want Russ to win yet either. I'm thinking that maybe Jeff removing him from the block next Thursday might be worth the wait.

Yesterday was another great day for hits and I'd like send a super special shout out to Scorpio3813. Never did I think I'd be mentioned on a QVC website. LOL Thanks!

For the record, so there's no confusion, I'm not rooting for anyone to win right now. No one has emerged as a favorite for me. I like Kevin. I kind of like Russell and I can tolerate Jeff. That's it. I haven't picked who I want to win yet. I will, I'm sure, at some point, but until that happens no one is safe.

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Friday, August 7, 2009

Unicorn Killer!

Good morning fellow bitches! Crazy live show, right? Let's discuss.

My satellite (I'm looking at you DirecTV!) went OUT during the CBS show! My heart sank into my stomach and then like a little army of pixies throwing fairy dust everywhere someone sent me a link to watch it online. Whew! I only missed 20 seconds of the recap and all was right with the world.

The Rat has left the building and that speech.... oh my god that speech! I loved it! It was humiliating, it was evil, it was confrontational, it was emotional, it made Michele mumble incessantly in her inner monologue (Did you see how shifty her eyes were? Believe you me she was calming some inner demons), and it made my little black heart begin to turn pink. Ronnie was shaking like a little bitch and fighting back rat tears. It was beautiful.

I have put in a request with Michelle Talbott for an interview with Ronnie. I mean, why the hell not right? I'll keep you posted on what happens.

No surprises when it comes to the Wizard. All the menopausal women in the live chat lost their shit and hooted and hollered for days. Like it was a surprise? Get a grip ladies. They also thought Jordan was a vision in pink. Nevermind the fact that her head is filled with pretty shiny marbles, she's just lovely. Puppies everywhere chased their tails, garden gnomes came to life, and gooses (geeses?) laid their golden eggs. The shiny happy noncouple that is Jeff and Jordan puts a smile on everyone's face. Not me. They frustrate the hell outta me. Jeff is beginning to grow on me a little. I can admit that. And it's clear he wants some face time (get it? wink wink... FACE time...) with Jordan, but country bumpkin just refuses to give him any lovin'. Instead she eats cookie dough all day. She's begun to work out more, but as soon as she's done on the elliptical she eats more cookie dough and dumps a cup of Hershey's chocolate into her coffee. She claims coffee "cleans her out". Precious, how much can it clean you out when it's coating your intestines with chocolatey goodness? Put down the dough, stop farting under the covers when your cuddling with Jeffy Pooh (Yes, she did this yesterday. Horrified the hell outta me. Made the chat matrons giggle in delight), and kiss him already!

Chima winning the HOH is the best possible outcome. I really want Jeff to use the Wizard Power next Thursday. I hate it when people get powers and don't use them. It even frustrates me when the POV doesn't get used but the holder gloats about all the power they hold (I'm looking at you Ass Licker). My only fear is that Chima nominates Lydia and Kevin and Jeff doesn't man up and get rid of Natalie and Jessie. If that happens, I will hate Jeff forever. Any respect I've learned to begrudgingly give him will shrivel up and die. Even if one of the Terrible Two (Ragamuffin and Manbeast) wins POV the other will still be available for eliminating. This could be Jeff's only chance to split them up. He has to use that power for good. The Wonder Twins used their powers to turn into eagles and ice buckets. Now I'm not sure how good that was, but it was entertaining. Jeffy Pooh, entertain me big boy. If you use your power I'll promise my female readers a photo album of your sexiness. If you don't use it, then you'll force me to post more naked Jessie pictures. If that happens, riots will break out in the streets, straw Lala mannequins will be burnt in effigy (much like Billie Jean in The Legend Of Billie Jean), and all the new readers I got yesterday (welcome ladies!) will run for the hills cursing my name.

Immediately after the CBS show, Jessie and Natalie go into panic mode. They tell Russell to lay low and not start any shit with Chima. They know they still need Russell on their side. Ever since Michele jumped ship, the power has shifted. Ragamuffin and Manbeast need to keep their numbers strong. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Michele is bitching about how they should be getting paid more. Apparently, she muttered 2 F-bombs during the live show and is worried that CBS will start to deduct from her stipend. She's surprisingly confident and outspoken. Could it be that she wants everyone to think she has the Wizard Power? Well, whether or not that's her intention, that's exactly what everyone thinks.

Jordan, daydreaming of bubbles and feathers, is convinced that Michele has the power. She tells Jeff that she's scared she'll go on the block with Michele and that Michele will take herself off. Jeff tries to calm her down telling her not to worry and the fear in the pit of my stomach begins to grow. Can Jeff really keep the Wizard Power a secret from Jordan all week? What if she does get nominated and goes into panic, can Jeff keep his trap shut? I think Jordan is the biggest threat to all things Wizard Power. Her mouth could seriously ruin everything. Let's say for argument's sake that the one brain cell she has decides to work and she figures out that Jeff has the power. Bitch can't keep a secret! She'd run to Chima and tell her everything. Jordan seriously has zero filter when it comes to privileged information. She's a loose cannon - albeit a cannon filled with candy and rainbows, but a cannon nonetheless.

Kevin begins to talk to Jeff and Jordan about how weird Lydia is over Jessie. He doesn't know if Lydia can ever vote Jessie out. Kevin has tried his hardest to convince Lydia that Jessie is using her and, after tonight's vote, it's obvious Jessie voted to evict her. He says, "Maybe my gay powers aren't strong enough. I'm trying! I'm trying!" Oh Kevin, I adore you. Thank you for telling Natalie in front of the whole country that she needed a makeover. Bitch got pissed and my no-no tingled.

Speaking of the Ragamuffin, she's up to no good. Actually, is she ever not up to anything no good (that sentence just attacked you with double negatives, didn't it?)? I don't think so. While sitting out back with Jeff and Jordan she keeps telling Jeff how cute he is. It's disturbing and my pet unicorn stabbed himself in the groin. Unicorn killer! I'm thinking Natalie is just covering her bases as far as the Wizard goes. Could this be the week of a kinder gentler Ragamuffin? Will she kiss ass all week in fear of the great and powerful Wizard? I don't think I could take that. I like my Ragamuffins dirty and wild, sneaking into the neighbor's yards stealing tomatoes and eating squirrels, and scratching their crotches while drooling and snarling. Stay evil Natalie. It suits you.

So Chima is the HOH and she gets her very own special room. She's managed to bitch loud and long enough to make BB give into all of her demands. Her HOH basket was overflowing and her room was adorned with more pictures than any other HOH has received. Her CD was Prince's Purple Rain. OK I totally dig that. Huge Prince fan here. Wendy and Lisa? Come on, they're fabulous. I remember when I saw the movie. I was in 6th grade and a high school girl I worshipped bought my ticket for me. Seeing Appolonia's ginormous breasts onscreen was a turning point in my little flat chested life. I wanted to wear anklets over black leather boots and walk the streets wearing a red velvet cape. Probably explains my penchant for long flowing dramatic coats. Lydia is also a big Purple Rain fan and I felt a sort of kinship with her.

Lydia has issues. We all know this, but I love love love that when it comes to all things film and music she's a die hard fan. The mere mention of Purple Rain and Lydia launched into an explanation of the lake scene for Jordan ("You have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka"). That's exactly what my friends and I are like. We can quote lines, talk about the behind the scenes gossip, and sing any song off of any soundtrack. Hey, I went to film school. That's what we do.

Chima gets her letter from home and she's surprised it's from her mother. Her mom is apparently very ill and she didn't know if she'd have the strength to write a letter. It's clear Chima is close to her family, but bitch wouldn't shut up about how strong the women are in her lineage. It was like she was holding court explaining to all her servants why she should be revered. It bugged me. It REALLY bugged me that BB gave her everything she asked for too. It's unfair to the other HG's who didn't get as much as she did and it's incredibly annoying when a diva gets her way. Her dad sent her some ugly Marine pajamas and she finally got all the lotion she's been bitching about all week. Bleh.
Later she'll actually bitch about the letter being too old. Her mom wrote to her about the 4th of July celebrations and apparently that's not good enough for Chima. Bitch wants something not so dated. Yeah? Well I want your weave to catch on Russell's zipper and get yanked out. So there!

Please to enjoy:

Kevin is very nervous and he's doing some major damage control. He sets things straight with Chima and it looks like he might stay off the block this week. Kevin and Natalie also have a little discussion about all things Jessie and Lydia. Kevin thinks Jessie is trying to throw Kevin under the bus and he's avidly campaigning for Kevin to go on the block. Kevin also understands that Natalie has a problem with Lydia, but he wants to make sure Natalie views him as a separate entity. Natalie tells him not to worry. She's not going after him. Kevin tells her that if he gets HOH, he won't put her up either. Jessie then has a convo with Kevin about Lydia. They tell each other they've never mentioned each other's name (not true) and Jessie tries to convince Kevin that Lydia cannot be trusted. I REALLY hope Kevin never turns on Lydia. I really like them as a twosome. Kevin makes Lydia a little more likable and I think she really needs him.

Then we finally get our answer as to whether or not the fight between Chima and Russ was staged. It was not. They're in the HOH alone together and there is some major animosity. Chima says, "I don't want you to apologize to me again." She's in full diva mode and it's clear she's enjoying the grovelling. Russell says he's hurt Chima turned on him and tried to back door him. Chima doesn't budge. She calls him a liar and says she can't trust him and blah blah blah... shut the hell up bitch! I knew she'd be a hellish HOH. I'd be more angry at her reign if I didn't have the knowledge in the back of my mind that she's essentially powerless this week. I canNOT wait for Jeff to use the Wizard Power, undo all the work Chima has done, and send her in a reeling hissy fit. Fine Waterford crystal everywhere will crack during the tantrum. Guard your Lladro's as well. That shit is expensive. My mother's house is covered in overpriced delicate Lladro figurines and I'll be sure to warn her to wrap that shit in bubble wrap before next Thursday night.

All evidence is looking like Chima will nominate Russell and Lydia. This scares me a little. Will Jeff even bother to intervene and oust Jessie? He better or I'm going to unleash on his ass. Jeff has a LOT to live up to this week. He has to keep his mouth shut and he has to keep his psychic channels open to receive my messages. If I were attracted to Jeff, I'd use my succubus powers on him, but instead I'll just telepathically tell him, "Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin must go home." It's a catchy little tune if you think about it. All together now! Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin MUST GO HOME! Yay! *does a cheerleader kick*

My apologies for how short this is today. The Live Feed Chatter sunk to a new low and I needed a night off. The drama in the chats sometimes far exceeds the drama on the feeds. It's like a third grade class high on sugar and crack. Everyone speaks before they think and pounces without motive. It gets ugly and I loathe all things ugly - except pugs. Pugs are ugly, but I could befriend a pug I think. I'd name it Bubba and feed it chicken livers and Boston Market. I'd wear fabulous thigh high boots, a feather boa, and hugely fantastic Mary Kate Olsen sunglasses while taking Bubba for a walk in the park. I'd wave to all the other inferior dogs and blow them kisses. Bubba and I would be rock stars. He'd wear a fine Italian leather spiked dog collar and would snort and grunt whenever anyone dared try to pet him. He'd poop on daisies and I'd leave it there. Daisies are ugly flowers anyways...

A special hi there and hello to Sheila! She lives on the side of a mountain, survives on bark and wild berries, and watches BB from a wire looped over miles of piney trees. (wink) Thank you so much for your lovely email. It made my day!

Thanks everyone for all of your comments yesterday. It's nice to hear your voices and know I'm not offending too many of you. LOL It's looking like a Bitchy Survivor Blog will be a go. I'm so glad to hear how many of you are fans. Maybe I'm onto something here... it looks like people really enjoy seeing reality stars crucified. Hell, I know I love it. When does Amazing Race start? I usually hate all of those bitches too. Could this be the beginning of a beautiful Bitchy franchise?

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Thursday, August 6, 2009

We Hear He Is A Wonderful Wizard

Trust. Honesty. Loyalty. Purity. Oooops. I forgot. I'm writing about Big Brother.

Self-inflicted pain. Lies. Duplicity. Traitors. Vengefulness. Backstabbing. Filth. That's more like it. Now I'm in the zone.

The Big Brother house is filled with all sorts of mythical fairytale creatures this year. We have a Wizard, a Manbeast, a Ragamuffin, a Cutter, a Queen, an Ass Licker, an Airhead, a Rat, a Love Muscle, a maniacal head of lips and hair with a body attached to it. The protagonists in this twisted tale struggle with reason and wrestle with their own sanity... much like the characters of an H.P. Lovecraft novel. This isn't horror fiction though. This is Big Brother.

So the big question is, Is Jeff the Wizard? Yes, I think so. Yesterday was the first day in this entire season where I saw a confident, shrewd, no bullshit talking Jeff. It was like he was a completely different player. Boy is the Wizard. No doubt about it. The Wizard was a bit of a point of contention yesterday. It's not due to the fact that Jeff got his power. It's due to the fact that others didn't. As the day progressed and the HG's (save Jeff) began to realize one by one that they were not the Wizard, everything slowly began to unravel and we experienced Mental Illness Day Part Deux (thanks HoodedWarrior!).

Russell began his day with a Michele confrontation. It's time to pull teeth. Apparently, last night Michele told Chima something about erectile dysfunction and it's relation to Russell. At least I think that's what was said. Who the hell can tell anymore when Ms. Mumbles gets going? All I know is erectile dysfunction was brought up, Russell got pissed, and Ass Licker began backpedalling. Russell tells Michele he doesn't appreciate her talking about sexual dysfunction in relation to his name. Michele says Chima was mad at her for talking to Russell and made her feel uncomfortable. A giant rainbow of goodness and truth then darted across the sky as Michele said, "I'm not a good on-the-spot repsonder". UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR! Michele mumbles a whole lot more, actually asks, "Do I mumble?", manages to squeak out that it was all a joke, and then she began to eat her face or something.

While Michele was left outside to contemplate her complete and utter uselessness to the world, Russell was inside making a big stink to Jessie and Natalie about just how useless Michele really is. How dare anyone criticize his Love Muscle! He has hard and fast proof now that the mythical conversation in the green room did happen (no it didn't) and that Jessie and Natalie have been telling him the truth all along (no they're not). Russell tells them they need to nominate Michele next week if they win HOH and then he goes out to pace back and forth in the kitchen. I wonder why Michele's erectile dysfunction comment made Russ so mad. Did she actually touch on something that may have some truth in it? Is the Love Muscle not all it's cracked up to be?

Meanwhile Kevin is realizing that if the Wizard Power is the Coup D'Etat then he could be in real trouble. If Ronnie wins it, Kevin is toast. He's done for. He spends the morning securing votes to keep himself in the house if it turns the Wizard ends up putting him on the block.

A half hour later Russell is still pacing, steam coming out of his ears now. He goes to Ronnie and tells him that Michele is really a PhD and that he's sorry he nominated Ronnie. He should have nominated Michele instead. Wha... Wha... What?!? Did that seriously just happen? You bet your ass (licker) it did.

Natalie, never one to miss a fight or an opportunity to start a fight, convinces Russ to have a house meeting. Groan. We all know how these Algonquin Round Table discussions end. Where's Dorothy Parker and Peter Benchley when you need them? Instead we get a dirty Ragamuffin and a mumbling Ass Licker. It hardly seems fair. So Russell has his little meeting and he's throwing Michele under the bus in front of everyone. He calls her out as a liar and publicly apologizes to Ronnie and Chima. Michele, clad only in a bathing suit, sits fidgeting struggling to form a sentence. She says Chima bullied her and made her comfortable. She says she never went into the green room with Jessie and Natalie. I'm going to be honest here. All I could think was, "Cry cry cry cry cry... come on Michele, cry!" The devil made me do it.

My favorite part is when Chima asks Michele what side she's on. Michele says, "I'm on yours." Chima replies, "And Russell's side too?". Ragamuffin, probably smacked in the face with the stench of her own filth, explodes on Michele screaming, "You're the rat! You're the rat! You're the rat!" Jessie is literally pulling her back by her grody unwashed yellow sweatshirt. Michele, desperate with insecurity and failure, turns to Jeff for a helping hand. Jeff screams, "Don't say my name!" (This was when I knew for certain Jeff was the Wizard by the way. He never would have reacted that way before.) Michele turns to Ronnie, "Congratulations Ronnie." Ronnie, smug with rattiness, says, "You're the most stupid and most ignorant person in this house!" *giggles* It's too delicious for words, isn't it?

Here's the whole debacle in it's entirety. Please to enjoy...

Jessie and Natalie pumped up with success (I still can't believe they managed to pull this all off), begin an attack on Kevin. They are trying to convince him that Lydia threw him under the bus. They saw their opening to turn the house upside down and they took it. Look, I hate Ragamuffin and Manbeast, but they are certainly playing this shit hardcore. They never give up and will resort to any form of manipulation to get their way. I kind of have to admire their acumen and tenacity. Two days ago I would have thought it a lost cause to fight for Ronnie to stay in the house, but yesterday it came frighteningly close to them pulling it off. Kevin, fabulous and gey, trying to defend himself to the Terrible Two pauses midfight to adjust his scarf. This makes me love him all over again. A girl has to look fabulous. 2 more snaps and a twist for you Kevin. You go girl.

Ronnie is in the bathroom trying to work on Jeff and Jordan for their vote. They blow him off and Jeff goes in to listen to the Kevin/Lydia drama. He stops everyone from arguing and asks the room to once and for all clarify the green room rumor. Did Michele or did she not have a conversation in the green room with Jessie and Natalie? Michele says no. Natalie says yes. Jeff says, "Well one of you is lying". The Wizard was at work my friends... he was at work.

Lydia gets summoned to the DR and when she emerges something is definitely amiss. She's despondent, quiet, tunnel-visioned, and obviously trying to quiet the voices in her head. I think the DR may have been passing out their Xanax flavored lollipops again because she was positively weird. She asks Jeff for a cigarette and goes outside to smoke away her anxiety. Oh, Chima also mumbled something about Lydia being on meds and how that must mean she has AIDS. I think we can now add the terminally ill to Chima's long list of groups to hate.

Kevin follows Lydia outside and tells her that Jessie, Natalie and Chima were trying to convince him that Lydia was a traitor. Lydia wants to confront Chima immediately and get it all out in the open. Kevin begs her not to and says she's not in the right frame of mind to confront anyone. Lydia moans, "They're trying to split me from the one friend I have in this house." Kevin replies, "Let's let them think we're strained, but we're really stronger than ever." Lydia has Kevin write the word PERSPECTIVE on her arm in lipstick so she can remember where to keep her head in the game.

After that Lydia goes completely off the deep end. First she goes into her room to sleep. I figured the Xanies had kicked in and she needed to sleep it off. Shortly thereafter, Jessie enters the same room and tries to go to sleep as well. THEN it's the attack of the Ragamuffin. Natalie marches in all loud and obnoxious preventing anyone anywhere from falling asleep. She's so evil. She's rubbing salt in Lydia's wounds. Lydia gets up and goes to the splash room to pack. My first instinct was, "She's quitting. Natalie has finally pushed her over the edge." Jordan and Michele enter to see if she's alright and Lydia mumbles that she's leaving. She says Jessie's treatment of her last night made her want to hurt herself. It appears as if Lydia has cutting in her past.

For those of you not in the know, cutting is very serious. It has nothing to do with suicide, but it is very dangerous. A person will cut trying to relieve themselves from the pain that's going on inside their heads. It's not something to joke about and I was a bit appalled by the Twitter reaction to Lydia's confession. It sounds like Lydia had some very difficult years in her past. An egotistical Manbeast could definitely trigger her to revert to old ways. Yes, she probably was seeking attention, but that's part of being a cutter. Cutters will try to keep things private but secretly they want to get a reaction out of people. The cutting is basically a cry for help and I don't find it funny at all.

So Lydia mentions how Jessie's mistreatment of her (throwing her around and bruising her) triggered something in her to want to cut again and then we got fish. Everytime Lydia mentioned cutting again throughout the night we got fish. Jordan and Michele eventually leave Lydia and she continues to pack. Natalie, ruthless and evil and persistant, enters the splash room for no reason at all! She's just there fiddling with a blanket refusing to leave Lydia alone. That girl has some balls. She is truly relentless.

Lydia finishes packing and goes and gets something to eat. She had planned to eat in the spa room, but when she entered the room Jessie has infiltrated it lying lazily on all the pillows. Lydia is not deterred. She sits down and very loudly begins to chomp potato chips. She's determined not to let Jessie have a moments peace. She claps over and over again trying to disturb him and even smears peanut butter on his face.

What transpired was truly disturbing. Lydia tells Jessie he makes her want to hurt herself and he rolls his eyes and sighs, "I know". All she wants is for him to acknowledge that he's treated her like shit. Manbeast won't even give her that tiny bit of respect. He's self absorbed moaning about how Lydia has been nothing but a problem for him. Talk about kicking someone when she's down. It was ugly. Very ugly. Yes, Lydia was annoying. I'll admit that, but Jessie was just plain cruel. He really hasn't an ounce of sympathy in his grotesque muscle-y body. People who go out of their way to bring others down get no sypmathy from me. Malice is truly the ugliest thing in the world.

After all the drama and the hate, we actually manage to get a very funny conversation. Men, cover your ears. I'm about to talk all things period-related. Natalie doesn't know how to use a tampon. Yes, she's on the rag and yes, she's not showering. Jordan tries to explain to her how a tampon works. They get confused over the fact that your pee hole is indeed different from your fuck hole (Sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to describe it). Jordan was trying to explain to Natalie that you can pee when you have a tampon in. She says, "The pee just goes down the string." Natalie asks if you reuse tampons. Jessie chimes in and says, "No! Even I know that." Natalie says, "So when you take your tampon out, it's full of pee?" Jordan says, "No, it's full of blood." I know. I know. Too much information, but I can't even believe that conversation took place with someone over the age of 16. Jordan finishes the conversation telling Natalie she will teach her how to use a tampon.

Natalie, confused over fuck holes and pee holes, is really fuming inside. She's livid that Jessie has been in the spa room with Lydia for over an hour. She tells Chima she's done with him. She specifically told him not to talk to Lydia again and he disobeyed. Oh go take a shower you filthy cunt rag. Cunt rag is my new favorite phrase. And shower she did. Her Have-Not punishment ended and a week's worth of grime was washed off her tiny evil body.

The night ended with messages from viewers being played into the house. Ok quick question: Why did everyone who called in sound like they live in a remote mountain cabin with no running water and rampant tooth decay? Every single message they played was tinged with a back woods mountains of West Virginey accent. Now I love West Virgina. I visit it often so I don't want to hear any attacks, but the people who were calling in sounded like they haven't been to school since the age of 14 and the messages were all moronic.

The messages ranged from begging the HG's for a car (I'm looking at you Mark from Hartford, CT) to singing them annoying songs over and over again. I got excited when I first heard the messages being played in every 10-15 minutes. I thought this will be funny, but then the same messages were just repeated over and over again. It was so fey. Chima told everyone who watches the live feeds to get a life and Ronnie obsessed over someone calling him out over picking his belly button while reading the bible. Natalie was offended by them all taking them personally and Russ and Jeff think they were all so mean. Ronnie announced, "It's official. America hates us." You got that right ratface.

Please to enjoy...

Russell wrote his HOH blog yesterday and never has an HG been more off the mark. Read for yourself how Russ has completely misjudged everyone in the house:

So tonight is big. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Jeff get his power. If he doesn't use it tonight, I can say with absolute certainty that Ronnie is going home. HOH is going to be a nail biter... no doubt about it. I'd like Kevin, Lydia, Jeff or Jordan to win. I hope this coming week is when we finally see Natalie and Jessie on the block. Those two are due for some retribution.

Finally, I'd like to thank you all again for coming back everyday to read my little rinky dink blog. I went from having 3 readers to having several thousand in the span of a week. Your kind words of support and your spreading the word has made this blog reach more people than I ever imagined. Thank you for the retweets and the compliments. I really really really appreciate it. It's been a ton of fun and I'm thinking of doing a weekly Bitchy Survivor Blog as a result. Is that something you guys would be into? Let me know in the comments.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

All The World's A Stage

Is Jordan really a mad genius? Can Michele ever stop touching herself? Is Lydia getting suicidal? Has Casey lost his ever loving mind? The answers to these questions and more in today's daily dose of all things Big Brother.

We began our day with an outside meeting between Michele and Russell. The topic? The previous nights psycho fight fest. Russell apologizes for flying off the handle at Michele. She wasn't the target of his anger. Chima was. He's frustrated that he's ruined things with Jeff and Jordan and wonders if they'll ever forgive him. Russell also admits that he told Jessie that she was a doctor and he apologizes. They pretty much kiss and make up agreeing that Ronnie is an asshole.

Michele, not able to take her hands off her body throughout the entire conversation, mentions that the DR wanted her to confront Jessie about the things he's been saying. Come to think of it, yeah why didn't she ever approach the 2 people (Jessie and Natalie) who have been making up lies about her? Instead all she did was fumble awkwardly, mumble incessantly, and fidget uncontrollably. This girl is awkward personified. Never have I seen a player so socially inept. In this conversation she was having with Russell, she was not being blamed for anything, she wasn't righting any wrongs, she wasn't pleaing for her safety. She was just having a simple chat, yet I got the distinct impression that her heart was pounding, her mouth was dry, and her constant need to stroke herself were odd nervous ticks. You know how some people have the ability to walk into a room and put everyone at ease and make them smile? Michele has the ability to walk into a room and turn everyone into paranoid anxiety ridden fidgety nontrusting nervous wrecks. This girl is a fun killer plain and simple.

Anyhow, Michele does at least manage to address the big elephant in the room. She asks Russell why he winked at Chima the night before. Yesterday I noted how Jordan thought the fight between Russell and Chima was fake and how she thought she saw Russ winking at Chima. I immediately blasted Jordan calling her "fucking stupid" or something equally as charming. When rumors began last night on Twitter that perhaps just maybe the whole fight was indeed staged I immediately scoffed and then suddenly got very quiet. I keep some highlight notes throughout the day so I can remember everything that happens for when I actually sit down and write this blog. I completely forgot that I had in my notes, "Chima and Russell are planning to stage a fight." Doh! Could it be? Could that big ugly drama last night all have been preplanned? Were we all duped? Did Jordan actually think something smart?

Russell says he winked at Chima in an effort to egg her on and piss her off. Now, I didn't see the wink at all. I don't know if the cameras captured it BUT Jordan thought she saw it and Russell just confirmed it so the wink did happen. That much we know. We also know that Chima is a total fame whore who looks at Big Brother as her chance to be famous. A big fight like the one last night guarantees her air time. AND we know that Chima and Russell did talk about staging a fight. It was in my notes only my head was too far up my ass to read them properly. The only question I have now is, "Why?" Why in the world stage a fight that got so ugly and made them both look so bad to the entire house? And, if it was staged, then why is Russell moping around even when he's all alone? Wouldn't he loosen up, laugh, and gloat when he knew no one was watching? Knowing what I know of Russell, he loves to be seen as some genius mastermind and would, for sure, want to get some credit. Russell has been nothing but quiet, contemplative, distracted and concerned since all that shit went down last night. He came off as an asshole to the viewing public and, more importantly, the house. I just don't see any real benefits in staging a fight like that ESPECIALLY one they staged together. If Russell had wanted to incriminate Chima, like he did with that Jeff fight, then maybe I could understand, but if it was staged, then Chima was most likely in on it. I don't know guys. I can't come to a conclusion. What do you think? More importantly, could the girl who shaves her legs with a garden house be wiser than I give her credit for?

Later in the BY Ronnie, Natalie, Chima, and Lydia are rehashing the nights events. Lydia makes it known that she wants "a female who's not codependent on guys to win." Pot meet kettle. She asks Natalie why she keeps talking to Russell knowing how he feels about women. Natalie, still dirty and strange, says she can talk to whomever she wants to. She changes the subject saying her favorite phrase, "If I win HOH next week... " Natalie, you unkempt Ragamuffin, you will NEVER win HOH. You suck. Keep dreaming. "If I win HOH next week, I'm putting Michele up and a pawn. I want her ass out." If I wasn't so tired I'd do my "I told you so" dance. I knew Michele would be everyone's target now. Her swagger this week is simply a prelude to her demise. Bitch is going down and I don't mean in a sexual way which is something I think she'd prefer.

Oh wow... it just hit me. I just woke up from a crazy long nap and I realized I had dreamt I was in Big Brother. I had taken great care in not doing anything too crazy and was trying to lay low (a la Kevin), but then I got all freaky with another HG (who ended up being someone I knew in college) and I became the Lydia "character". People from BBUK were there as well as some of the idiots I encounter in the chats. And yes, they're all fat and gross. I knew it. I'm interpreting the dream to mean that if I was ever on Big Brother (which I would NEVER do because then I'd have to endure wretched bitches like me analyzing my every move) I'd be the Big Brother Slut and that all the heinous beasts (they know who they are - not any of my readers of course - my readers are all fabulous and gorge) I meet in the chat are as nasty physically as they are mentally. It's like I'm Nostradamus about things. I just know.

Back to the game... so yeah Chima is mad Jessie is tight with Russell and Lydia is annoyed Natalie is friends with him as well. "He's a misogynist!", cries Lydia. Chima reveals that she had asked the DR beforehand if she was allowed to throw water at Russell. Hmmm, that's a little suspicious isn't it? It's almost as if she was planning a fight. Whoever is keeping track of the evidence, put another tick in the "Yes it was staged" column. Ronnie reveals that there was a lot more to the Mongoose/Cobra speech. Russell also brought religion into it and Ronnie claims, "he insulted my god." Your god? Russell is Christian too. Most Lebanese are. Chima puts her two hateful cents in and says, "I am going to keep calling Russell a terrorist because America won't get mad cuz America hates Middle Easterners!" *shakes head disgusted* Nice Chima. Very nice. Never mind the fact that Lebanon is an ally. Someone remind me to nominate Chima to represent America at the next Racial Equality Summit.

Last night, to the surprise of Live Feeders everywhere, the HG's were once again given alcohol. You know after word spread about all the killer drama the night before BB didn't want to disappoint everyone tuning in last night. While the previous night was Fight Night, last night was clearly Mental Illness Night. Everyone in that house is losing their ever loving mind. First, Natalie goes completely nuts. Someone told me she snuck alcohol in the storage room and was drunk. I didn't see it and can't verify it at the moment, but let's assume she had been drinking because she was a complete nut job. First, she rips Michele's key out of the wall and smashes it on the ground chanting "Bad! Bad! Bad!" then she yells at Chima and Jessie telling them they're going on the block. She dropping F bombs everywhere and looks like a soiled little monkey gone awry. Ronnie eats it up with a spoon and just laughs and laughs. Meanwhile Jessie flips her over his shoulder (probably in an effort to get an ass grab) and this is what happened:

Had these 2 been good looking, the sexual tension would have been hot, but they're not. They're just a Manbeast and a Ragamuffin. If I ever saw Natalie doing sexy time, I'd probably hurl.

On the other side of the house, Lydia is crying and giving all bipolars a bad name. Apparently, she and Jessie had a playful wrestle match that ended with Jessie slamming her down and hurting her. He's a manbeast. That's what Manbeasts do. Lydia interpreted it as a symbol of him using her. He only wants her for blow jobs (Yes, she admitted to giving him one. He said her mouth was magical.). Oh dear. Lydia, I had no problem with you using sex as a game maneuver. In fact, I quite liked the ingenuity of it. The problem is you failed. You got sucked in and started to like the target. You can't do that! Don't you know anything? Keep all emotion out of it. You're weak... weak! Men use women for sex all the time. Why is it so hard for women to do the same thing? Pathetic. Just use them for what you want and move on. It'll save you a lot of heartache in the end.

(Excuse the Tweetdeck update in the photo. BB11 gets to be a hot topic at night.)

Lydia continues to moan and cry to Kevin saying, “I’m sick of him. I’m sick of Natalie. I’m sick of the whole situation. He’s supposed to be my best firend. He’s supposed to look out for me.” No Lydia. He's not your best friend and he's not supposed to look out for you. Remind me to never call you Mata Hari. You're too fragile for the sex game Lydia. I had expected more from you, but all I get is a weepy mess. Kevin tells her that the upcoming eviction votes will be very telling. If they find out that Jessie votes to evict her, then they'll know for sure how he feels. Oh christ. Get ready for a post eviction meltdown...
This clip is really really long, but you'll only need to watch a few minutes to get the gist of it. Please to enjoy:

Are you there BB gods, it's me, Lala? I beg of you to let Lydia win HOH this week. Please let her discover that Jessie has just been using her and wanted her evicted. Please let her be strong enough to nominate both Jessie and Natalie. Don't let either of one of them win POV and let them have a hellish week comprised of vicious fights and nasty backstabbing. Thank you. Amen.

The night, or rather crack of dawn, ended with Lydia getting some mojo back. She starts boxing and working out her frustrations. She's imagining she's punching Natalie and Jessie over and over again. Now, that's more like it! That's what I like to see. Get angry Lydia! Get furious! Fight back! Kick some ass! Go go go! Don't ever let a manbeast and a Ragamuffin make you feel like less of a woman. You fight back and you fight back hard. I still have a teeny tiny soft spot for you. I don't know why. I just do. Turn this shit around, grow a spine, and show them all who's boss.

It's like watching Rocky and Mickey isn't it? If Mickey were a flamboyant gay man, it would be the spitting image.

Mickey: You're a bum, Rock. You're a bum.
Rocky: I ain't no bum, Mick. I ain't no bum.
Cue Rocky theme song...

Before I end this, I'd like to direct your attention to something completely ridiculous. Casey already has a website up selling stupid Bananaman t-shirts. Typically, it takes a few weeks for BB memorabilia to end up on eBay, but this newest venture takes the cake. Maybe some of you will like it and will give this man your money, but I, for one, think it's lame. While the banana crap was mildly funny, it definitely doesn't warrant this:

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Fight Night. It's As Simple As That.

Once every 5000 years or so a miraculous astronomical event takes place. The planets align in such a way that causes people to lose control of all their impulses. Women fornicate with satyrs in the fertile woods. Men pounce on wild beasts to drink their blood. And Big Brother houseguests go absolutely ape shit throwing any sense of caution to the wind. This beautiful once in a lifetime event occurred last night my dear readers. Oh how lucky we are!

The day began with no surprises. Michele didn't use the veto and Ronnie and Lydia remain on the block. The plan is still to get Ronnie out and it looks like it's going happen ever since Michele changed loyalties again.

In the early afternoon, Natalie did the unthinkable. She confessed to Chima that she is indeed 24 and has graduated from college with a Bachelor's degree. Considering she's working at Blockbuster now homegirl wasted thousands of dollars of her parents money but that's neither here nor there. She said she made the decision to lie about her age when she was in sequester prior to entering the house. Chima's first response was, "I'll bet Jessie was happy to hear that!" Natalie tells Chima that the first question Jessie asked her after finding out she's 24 was, "So do you really have a boyfriend?" Natalie tells Chima that her boyfriend isn't really her boyfriend yet. They're working through some things (like a hairless manbeast?) at the moment. Apparently, they were broken up a long time and were trying to reconcile right before she entered the BB house.
Spilling secrets must have been contagious yesterday because Michele divulged to Jeff and Jordan the same secret she told Russell - that she is indeed a doctor. Speaking of the Ass Licker, Russell confronts her regarding the big preplanned lie Natalie and Jessie told him yesterday. She's so damn awkward and fidgety that even though she tells Russell that absolute truth, it reads like a big fat stinking lie. Russell isn't buying a word she's saying (and neither was I) and the Ass Licker was telling the truth! Only a seriously disturbed (or talented) girl can manage to make the truth turn into a lie. It's almost magical. She's terribly unconvincing and her storytelling skills are wretched at best. She confuses everyone with him with her pronoun placement and he has to ask her several follow up questions and it's just one big hot mess. Russell is unconvinced and this gets the ball rolling for what ensues later.

Chima, meanwhile, is still bitchy and scorned not shutting up over what an asshole Russell is. She pulls out a bible and starts finding quotes about a perverse man. One reads something like, "He devises evil continually, winks with his eyes, points fingers at other people, a proud look, a lion tongue, hands that sheds innocent blood.". She looks up at Natalie and Jessie and proclaims, "Oh my god that is so Russell. They put the fucking devil in here." Jessie eggs her on proclaiming that Ronnie is the "innocent blood" the quote speaks of. *rolls eyes*

Chima must have uttered the "phrase that pays" because afterwards, everything started going haywire. We get our first DR leak of the season and it was a doozy. It was broadcast over the loud speaker into the whole house. Way to go Big Brother!

In a meeting in the HOH room between Jessie and Russell, the power once again shifts. Hang on to your valuable display china because the whole house just tilted again. Jessie has managed to win back Russell. Michele's awkward fumbling failed explanation of the "truth" I spoke of earlier absolutely 100% did not convince Russell. He thinks Michele is using him and will come after him as soon as she can. He tells Jessie that she's really a doctor and how the DR tried to convince him to go after Jessie this week instead of Ronnie. Yikes. Looks like BB is sticking their nose in it again. The last time I can remember the DR trying to influence things was with Eric in BB8. Russell and Jessie promise each other they will go to the Final 2 together, but will still pretend to be mad at each other to others in the house. Jessie pleads, "Don't throw me too far under the bus!"

Russell is a misogynistic pig. There. I said it. After he kisses and makes up with Jessie, he launches into a tirade about how Chima wants it to be all girls at the end and how a woman will never win BB this season. He says Michele is "strapping on her dildo" and strutting around like she runs everything. Word to all the men reading this: Get over yourselves. A women doesn't need a penis, real or fake, to wield some power in the world. Russell is just pissed off that Michele has fooled him (well, she didn't really, but that's what the idiot thinks) and so now he has to criticize all women everywhere with his love buddy Jessie. I've got to hand it to Jessie. His lie was so stupid, so weak, so not thought out at all, and so unconvincingly delivered BUT he actually fooled Russell. He actually pulled this shit off. Had you told me 2 days ago he would have succeeded I would have thought you were off your rockers, but he did it. Natalie and Jessie actually fucking did it.

So Russell, angry at everyone with ovaries, pulls Chima into the HOH and they begin to discuss why there is so much animosity. The truth is Chima is a jealous bitch who was rejected by Russell and that Russell feels like he was used and abused by Chima and every other woman in the world (I'd love to meet the woman who worked over Russell cuz you know he was humiliated by one at some point in his life. I'd like to take her to Dairy Queen and buy her a Blizzard.). Things quickly get heated and Michele is dragged into it. Russell thinks Michele and Chima are working together and he wants some answers. Russell explodes on Michele and Michele is thisclose to crying. Chima gets all uppity and declares to Russell, "Your ass is going home next week!". The clouds parted, that choir of angels peeked their heads out, and they broke out into a chorus of Michael Jackson's 'Beat It'. My no-no tingled and I knew it was going to be a magical night.

Russell points at Michele and calls her a liar. Michele stammers and mumbles, "Someone is making lies up about me." Chima, wild and unbrushed, chimes in, "This makes me think that you're the one lying Russell!" And it's on bitches. Glass started to shatter (no, not really but I'll bet Chima's voice could do it if she really really tried), dogs started to howl, and I sat up with a huge grin on my face. There's nothing I love more than a truly delicious shouting match.

Chima gets right into Russell's face and they do that fast talking fight thing that always makes me think about bad breath. When someone is up in your face screaming at you like that, the odor can't be pleasant. I'm just saying...

Natalie, never one to be left out of anything, starts foaming at the mouth telling Russell that Michele used him. She's LOVING the fighting (probably even more than I was) and is setting Russell up to be pubic enemy #1 next week. Anything she can do to fan the flames, she'll do. She's the reason all this is happening in the first place. It was her and Jessie's little innocent lie that has led up to this. I may not like her, but thank you Natalie. Thank you for being such an obnoxious little cunt rag.


Immediately after the Chima/Russell/Michele fight, Lydia starts ragging on Jessie in the bathroom. She says how he's really on Russell's side and how he said he wanted to punch Michele. I don't know what the hell she's going on about, but it was making good drama so you go girl. Chima says she wants to punch Russell. Lydia, bless her heart, says Russell said Chima was mad because he ignored her advances. LOL. Never kick a jilted woman when she's down. That's all I have to say.


Natalie enters, of course, and Chima screams, "Why are you being his (Russell's) motherfucking friend?" Natalie drags Ronnie into it, perhaps seeing an opportunity to help his fight to stay in the house, saying that she just wants Ronnie to stay and that he's been nothing but nice to her. Chima is convinced that Ronnie and Russell were winking at each other earlier in the day and now she's saying they're secretly working together. Bitch is paranoid!


Kevin jumps in agreeing with Chima and the fit hit the shan. Ronnie screams, "I'm not with Russell! I'm going home this week!" Chima says, "Well then we have to get Russell out." Natalie butts in, again, and says whoever has the Wizard Power should evict Russ's ass. She's quickly reminded that Russell is HOH and is safe from Wizard Power evction. Kevin, all hot and bothered, calls Ronnie out and gets in his face. Ronnie declares, "That's assertive behavior!"


Please to enjoy. It's fucking awesome. Ronnie is caught lying right then and there. Love it.

I said this on Twitter and I'm saying it again. 2 snaps and a twist for Kevin! You go girl! Oh, I almost forgot, Ronnie said earlier in the day that he admired Hitler. Oh, yes he did. He said he admired Hitler's public speaking skills and his abiltity to mobilize large groups of people. *shakes head* Why, Ronnie, why? Why do these idiots always stick their foot in it? Jews of the world, you have my permission to hate this guy.

Chima stuck her foot in it too. She called Russell a terrorist simply because he's Lebanese. Chima, the patron saint of all things having to do with racial equality, accuses a Middle Eastern man of being a terrorist and thinks it's funny. *shakes head again* It's narrow minded thinking like that that is the problem with society today. Sterotypes are bad news people. They lead to hate crimes. Not all gays want to fuck you, not all tomboys are lesbians, not all Middle Eastern people are terrorists, and not all dorks are soft and sweet on the inside. Hate begets hate begets hate. Fuck you Chima. You're an ignorant bitch. I'm putting a psychic fatwa on your ass. I'm so done with you.

I'm often asked if I admire Chima for overcoming everything she's gone through in her life and for sticking up for herself. Yes, it's admirable she's a survivor and fought back a man who was raping her and trying to kill her, but that still doesn't give her any right to spread hate. I just can't, in good conscience, condone that kind of behavior. She's incredibly strong for coming through her horrible ordeal, but she's also an incredible cunt from hell who thinks her shit doesn't stink and that she's better than everyone else. Keep in mind all this bullshit she's pissed about is simply because a guy didn't want to get freaky with her. She's angry, bitter, and jealous.

This brings us to the NEXT big fight - my favorite fight of the night. Turn off your cell phones, grab a beer, mute the television... this is SO deliciously fabulous. Chima, still bitter and destroyed that Russell doesn't want to give her his love muscle, just can't get over the fact that she's been rejected. She's a total insitgator people. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Russell tries to ignore her, tries to avoid a fight, but Chima just will not let it go. He tries to play pool and she shouts, "Fucker!" and throws water in his face. She proceeds to call Russell a "tiny dick motherfucker" (if only she knew it's not the least bit tiny - I've seen the photos and making nonsensical asinine remarks. It makes her look like a spoiled brat quite frankly. At one point during this fight she chest bumps Russell and puts her hands on him. Russell smacks her hands away and everyone in Twitterverse got all pissy saying Russell pushed her. No, Chima put her hands on him first. What was he supposed to do? Just sit there and take it. He didn't hurt her. He was trying to get away from her before he could hurt her. I think Chima wanted to get hit. That's my opinion. I think she wanted Russ to hit her and get evicted. She's an evil conniving bitch and Russ, once again, just didn't give her what she wanted.

Please to enjoy:

You're not going to believe this, but while all that Russell/Chima shit was going down ANOTHER fight was brewing in the DR. Ronnie is livid that Kevin got into his face. He starts bitching about it and crying... yes, crying. He cries saying Kevin assaulted him and that Big Brother should watch the feeds over again and evict Kevin. I know what he's doing here. He's doing exactly what Chima did by trying to get Russell to hit her. He's trying to get Kevin evicted for physical assault. Pathetic. Kevin did NOT assault him and Ronnie is just basically resorting to any means necessary to stay in that house. A grown man crying on tv because a gay man yelled at him is just laughable. Kevin stood his ground. Ronnie didn't expect it. And now Ronnie is pissed off Kevin made him look like an idiot.

Ronnie, come here, I've got a secret for you. You admire Hitler, you cry when someone confronts you, and your ass is going home. Buh bye. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Your evil sneaky dulplicitous ways are no longer welcome.

Please to enjoy:

Where was Jordan during all this you ask? Princess was playing with her hair remarking how comfy the couch is and thinking that Chima and Russell staged everything. I'm dead fucking serious. Now Jordan thinks she saw Chima and Russell winking at each other during the fight too. Jordan, precious, wake the fuck up! Read some books, go back to school, and get out of your rainbow filled peppermint patty world. It's astonishing how stupid you are. Yes, you're adorable and very likable but your stupidity is beginning to really piss me off. I fear for your future. You're such an easy mark to be taken advantage of. Please be careful when you do anything in life. I feel like you need to have yellow police tape around you warning all evil doers to keep away. Orange cones need to be taped to your ass because someone like you is just an accident or misjudgment away from disaster.

And that's the fat. That's the skinny. You like? I love. These psycho bitches this season are such good drama. From the bottom of my heart I thank them. The DR called them all in one by one telling them to calm down and to try to stay 3 feet away from each other. LOL Good luck with that Big Brother.

I haven't the foggiest what will go down today, but if it's half as good as what happened last night, I'm ready!

A super special thank you to Shea and Alexis, the best clip girls in the world. You guys rock!

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Dissed

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and America hath no rat like a dork defeated. We have a no-love lovers quarrel, a pathetic plea for help, and an uncontrollable ragamuffin. These bitches never stop gossiping, never stop fretting, never stop whispering. You step away from your computer for 5 minutes and you may return to find a new alliance, a new romance, or new enemies. This cast definitely knows how to keep things interesting and me on my toes. It's very annoying. I never have any time anymore to create my intuitively accurate and inspiring stories much like the one I'm about to invent right now...

Lydia was a tall gangly child. Shy and insecure she often fidgeted on her long doe-like legs. Her parents, bohemian free lovers, loved her unconditionally and were determined to expose her to a myriad of peace loving patchouli stinking experiences. With birkenstocks on her delicate yet large feet, Lydia and her family followed the Grateful Dead every summer selling their tie dye wares and beaded jewelry in places like Lolita, TX and Grasshopper Junction AZ. Actually, Lydia sold the arts and crafts they produced. Her parents sold something called Blue Heaven that came on tiny little pieces of paper. Lydia was scared of the Blue Heaven. Her parents would never let her touch it and their friends always got naked and danced around a bonfire after they ate it. Lydia hated it when they danced. She'd turn beet red when she saw the men and women, hairy and wild, dancing and reaching up to the sky as if in a trance every night.

Whenever her parents and their friends got silly and touchy feely Lydia would retreat to the back of their VW van to play with her imaginary friends. She'd talk to them in a high baby voice and gesture wildly while sharing her deepest darkest secrets with Mr. Farnsworth and Lady Fromaline. Occasionally, a lost hippy or two would stumble back to the van where Lydia hid. All smiley and swaying, they'd begin to paint each other with day glo body paint. Peace symbols and happy faces would adorn their bodies and Lydia would watch them touch and caress each other while she hid under the woven blankets in the back of the van. Her giant brown eyes would grow even giant-er as the decorated long haired lovers would connect and gasp in ecstacy. She wondered what it would be like to have a hot pink happy face drawn on her back while a man touched her tiny breasts and made her squeal in pleasure. She, too, wanted to be an uninhibited and wild lovemaker...

Speaking of love, Russell ain't got none for Chima. During the POV, it appears as if an extra or two was employed. One was a hot girl whom Russell couldn't help but take a liking too. He told some HG's that he thought the girl was a 9 1/2. Natalie, dirty and strange with tangled hair, ran to Chima and told her how Russell wanted to give Ms. 9 1/2 his love muscle. Chima went into a mad maniacal rage cursing all things Russell all day long. Jessie, sensing the danger of Chima losing her shit over Russell, blamed the gossip faux pas on Kevin. He told Russell that Kevin was to blame for Chima's tantrum. Russell gets furious and starts muttering, "I should have just put Chima on the block and sent her home." He launches into a misogynistic tirade that really turned me off. He says that it's no wonder women rarely win Big Brother. They get too fucking emotional. This coming from the man with some serious anger management issues.

Russell's shitty day was only beginning. Jessie and Natalie, realizing that Ronnie is definitely going home and that Michele had turned on them, concoct a plan to lie to Russell. They want Russell to turn his anger on Michele and not be able to trust her. They tell him that Michele came to them saying, "What if Ronnie didn't go home this week?" Jessie makes up some convoluted story about Michele wanting the vote to be 6-3 rather than 5-3. To be quite honest, I have no idea what the hell Jessie was talking about. He's the WORST liar and the worst storyteller and my attention was more focussed on Russell's face and the anger boiling up inside of him.

(That was for you charliesyaya)

Even though I have no idea what Jessie and Natalie's plan really was, I have to commend them for thinking outside of the box. I'm all about creative game play - even if it's from a Manbeast and a Ragamuffin. They planted seeds of doubt in Russell concerning Michele making him extra paranoid and scared that she might actually use the POV. This coupled with Chima's jealous rage and Ronnie's desperation made Russell turn into Jason Bourne again creeping around the house spying on conversations.

So Ronnie and Chima have become buddy buddy in their hatred for Russell. Chima is insanely jealous and ticked off that Russell wants nothing to do with her and Ronnie is furious that Russell will be sending him home. He keeps turning to the camera begging America to give him the Wizard Power. The more he does it, the more we all groan. He wonders what kind of edit he's getting. He thinks America must like his scheming and underdog qualities. Little does he know a lynch mob might be waiting for him outside of CBS studios on Thursday.

Jeff and Jordan, on the other hand, can't even imagine having fans. Jeff says, "What the hell would they be a fan of? My ability to do shit all day and lay out?" Actually, Jeffy Pooh, that's exactly what your fans love. Your dreamy body stretching your tank tops tight across your toned chest and your quirky newscap angled just so over your long lashed hazel eyes... alright enough. If I type anymore a mass of uncontrollable orgasms will take place and knock the earth of it's axis and where will that leave us?

The rest of the day was spent with Jessie and Natalie trying to avert disaster with Chima. She was bitching and moaning all day about Russell that live feeders were positive they'd get a massive Chima/Russell fight last night. Manbeast and Ragamuffin told Chima to shut the hell up because the more she bitches the more they get a target on their back. Ronnie is a lost cause now. He's going home, but Chima still has at least another week in the house so she needs to drop it already and stop making waves.

Michele has a heart to heart with Chima which FURTHER upsets Russell. This day has been doing nothing but going wrong for him. He was on top of the world 2 nights ago. He had a new alliance. He was happy. He'd made some solid new friends only to have it all turn to shit because of a jealous wild weaved woman and an ass licker who's confusing his instincts. Jessie and Natalie already planted a seed of doubt in Russell over Michele, but now that Michele and Chima were actually bonding... well clear the deck! Anger Boy could soon explode.

This new alliance of four (Russell, Jeff, Jordan, Michele) is anything but strong. They all doubt each other. They all question each other. Russell can't control his damn mood swings and Jordan won't shut her trap. Jeff even had to yell at Jordan yesterday and tell her to stop talking about things in the past (Casey) and rocking the boat. He wants her to lay low and stop talking to Lydia and Jessie. He really scolded her and I thought she might cry, but she just looked up at him with her giant blue eyes in a little daze. I honestly don't think she heard a word he said because immediately after Jeff reprimands she begins gossiping to Michele. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably lollipops and starry skies, snowflakes and apple pies, horsies and fireflies... who knows what goes on in that empty head of hers?

The weird tense day ended with a tussle in the Have-Not room. Lydia, perhaps sensing that Jessie is distancing himself from her, wants a little face time with the Manbeast so she goes to lay down and her do her baby talk thing. A wild orgy of sexual tension erupts (no, not really) and Lydia takes a couple of feet in her vag. Hot.

Before I end this, I'd like to send out a big thank you to Brooke over at She wrote a very nice review of my blog and I'm extremely appreciative. Anyone interested in all things mani/pedi should give her a visit and show their support. Thanks Brooke!
And to the person who posted my link over at that tvclub website, thank you. I think you were trying to insult me, but instead you sent hundreds of new readers my way. Bless your heart.
The blog might be up a little later than usual tomorrow. I'm off on another one of my jaunts. Don't worry though, the blog will continue to be updated daily with all the snarky bitchy crap I continue to delight you with. Thank you everyone for coming back each and every day and spreading the word. Oh and if certain evicted HG's are reading this, just remember that everything I write comes from a place of love... kind of.

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