Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
My satellite (I'm looking at you DirecTV!) went OUT during the CBS show! My heart sank into my stomach and then like a little army of pixies throwing fairy dust everywhere someone sent me a link to watch it online. Whew! I only missed 20 seconds of the recap and all was right with the world.
The Rat has left the building and that speech.... oh my god that speech! I loved it! It was humiliating, it was evil, it was confrontational, it was emotional, it made Michele mumble incessantly in her inner monologue (Did you see how shifty her eyes were? Believe you me she was calming some inner demons), and it made my little black heart begin to turn pink. Ronnie was shaking like a little bitch and fighting back rat tears. It was beautiful.
No surprises when it comes to the Wizard. All the menopausal women in the live chat lost their shit and hooted and hollered for days. Like it was a surprise? Get a grip ladies. They also thought Jordan was a vision in pink. Nevermind the fact that her head is filled with pretty shiny marbles, she's just lovely. Puppies everywhere chased their tails, garden gnomes came to life, and gooses (geeses?) laid their golden eggs. The shiny happy noncouple that is Jeff and Jordan puts a smile on everyone's face. Not me. They frustrate the hell outta me. Jeff is beginning to grow on me a little. I can admit that. And it's clear he wants some face time (get it? wink wink... FACE time...) with Jordan, but country bumpkin just refuses to give him any lovin'. Instead she eats cookie dough all day. She's begun to work out more, but as soon as she's done on the elliptical she eats more cookie dough and dumps a cup of Hershey's chocolate into her coffee. She claims coffee "cleans her out". Precious, how much can it clean you out when it's coating your intestines with chocolatey goodness? Put down the dough, stop farting under the covers when your cuddling with Jeffy Pooh (Yes, she did this yesterday. Horrified the hell outta me. Made the chat matrons giggle in delight), and kiss him already!
Chima winning the HOH is the best possible outcome. I really want Jeff to use the Wizard Power next Thursday. I hate it when people get powers and don't use them. It even frustrates me when the POV doesn't get used but the holder gloats about all the power they hold (I'm looking at you Ass Licker). My only fear is that Chima nominates Lydia and Kevin and Jeff doesn't man up and get rid of Natalie and Jessie. If that happens, I will hate Jeff forever. Any respect I've learned to begrudgingly give him will shrivel up and die. Even if one of the Terrible Two (Ragamuffin and Manbeast) wins POV the other will still be available for eliminating. This could be Jeff's only chance to split them up. He has to use that power for good. The Wonder Twins used their powers to turn into eagles and ice buckets. Now I'm not sure how good that was, but it was entertaining. Jeffy Pooh, entertain me big boy. If you use your power I'll promise my female readers a photo album of your sexiness. If you don't use it, then you'll force me to post more naked Jessie pictures. If that happens, riots will break out in the streets, straw Lala mannequins will be burnt in effigy (much like Billie Jean in The Legend Of Billie Jean), and all the new readers I got yesterday (welcome ladies!) will run for the hills cursing my name.
Immediately after the CBS show, Jessie and Natalie go into panic mode. They tell Russell to lay low and not start any shit with Chima. They know they still need Russell on their side. Ever since Michele jumped ship, the power has shifted. Ragamuffin and Manbeast need to keep their numbers strong. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Michele is bitching about how they should be getting paid more. Apparently, she muttered 2 F-bombs during the live show and is worried that CBS will start to deduct from her stipend. She's surprisingly confident and outspoken. Could it be that she wants everyone to think she has the Wizard Power? Well, whether or not that's her intention, that's exactly what everyone thinks.
Jordan, daydreaming of bubbles and feathers, is convinced that Michele has the power. She tells Jeff that she's scared she'll go on the block with Michele and that Michele will take herself off. Jeff tries to calm her down telling her not to worry and the fear in the pit of my stomach begins to grow. Can Jeff really keep the Wizard Power a secret from Jordan all week? What if she does get nominated and goes into panic, can Jeff keep his trap shut? I think Jordan is the biggest threat to all things Wizard Power. Her mouth could seriously ruin everything. Let's say for argument's sake that the one brain cell she has decides to work and she figures out that Jeff has the power. Bitch can't keep a secret! She'd run to Chima and tell her everything. Jordan seriously has zero filter when it comes to privileged information. She's a loose cannon - albeit a cannon filled with candy and rainbows, but a cannon nonetheless.
Kevin begins to talk to Jeff and Jordan about how weird Lydia is over Jessie. He doesn't know if Lydia can ever vote Jessie out. Kevin has tried his hardest to convince Lydia that Jessie is using her and, after tonight's vote, it's obvious Jessie voted to evict her. He says, "Maybe my gay powers aren't strong enough. I'm trying! I'm trying!" Oh Kevin, I adore you. Thank you for telling Natalie in front of the whole country that she needed a makeover. Bitch got pissed and my no-no tingled.
Speaking of the Ragamuffin, she's up to no good. Actually, is she ever not up to anything no good (that sentence just attacked you with double negatives, didn't it?)? I don't think so. While sitting out back with Jeff and Jordan she keeps telling Jeff how cute he is. It's disturbing and my pet unicorn stabbed himself in the groin. Unicorn killer! I'm thinking Natalie is just covering her bases as far as the Wizard goes. Could this be the week of a kinder gentler Ragamuffin? Will she kiss ass all week in fear of the great and powerful Wizard? I don't think I could take that. I like my Ragamuffins dirty and wild, sneaking into the neighbor's yards stealing tomatoes and eating squirrels, and scratching their crotches while drooling and snarling. Stay evil Natalie. It suits you.
So Chima is the HOH and she gets her very own special room. She's managed to bitch loud and long enough to make BB give into all of her demands. Her HOH basket was overflowing and her room was adorned with more pictures than any other HOH has received. Her CD was Prince's Purple Rain. OK I totally dig that. Huge Prince fan here. Wendy and Lisa? Come on, they're fabulous. I remember when I saw the movie. I was in 6th grade and a high school girl I worshipped bought my ticket for me. Seeing Appolonia's ginormous breasts onscreen was a turning point in my little flat chested life. I wanted to wear anklets over black leather boots and walk the streets wearing a red velvet cape. Probably explains my penchant for long flowing dramatic coats. Lydia is also a big Purple Rain fan and I felt a sort of kinship with her.
Lydia has issues. We all know this, but I love love love that when it comes to all things film and music she's a die hard fan. The mere mention of Purple Rain and Lydia launched into an explanation of the lake scene for Jordan ("You have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka"). That's exactly what my friends and I are like. We can quote lines, talk about the behind the scenes gossip, and sing any song off of any soundtrack. Hey, I went to film school. That's what we do.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Self-inflicted pain. Lies. Duplicity. Traitors. Vengefulness. Backstabbing. Filth. That's more like it. Now I'm in the zone.
The Big Brother house is filled with all sorts of mythical fairytale creatures this year. We have a Wizard, a Manbeast, a Ragamuffin, a Cutter, a Queen, an Ass Licker, an Airhead, a Rat, a Love Muscle, a maniacal head of lips and hair with a body attached to it. The protagonists in this twisted tale struggle with reason and wrestle with their own sanity... much like the characters of an H.P. Lovecraft novel. This isn't horror fiction though. This is Big Brother.
So the big question is, Is Jeff the Wizard? Yes, I think so. Yesterday was the first day in this entire season where I saw a confident, shrewd, no bullshit talking Jeff. It was like he was a completely different player. Boy is the Wizard. No doubt about it. The Wizard was a bit of a point of contention yesterday. It's not due to the fact that Jeff got his power. It's due to the fact that others didn't. As the day progressed and the HG's (save Jeff) began to realize one by one that they were not the Wizard, everything slowly began to unravel and we experienced Mental Illness Day Part Deux (thanks HoodedWarrior!).
What transpired was truly disturbing. Lydia tells Jessie he makes her want to hurt herself and he rolls his eyes and sighs, "I know". All she wants is for him to acknowledge that he's treated her like shit. Manbeast won't even give her that tiny bit of respect. He's self absorbed moaning about how Lydia has been nothing but a problem for him. Talk about kicking someone when she's down. It was ugly. Very ugly. Yes, Lydia was annoying. I'll admit that, but Jessie was just plain cruel. He really hasn't an ounce of sympathy in his grotesque muscle-y body. People who go out of their way to bring others down get no sypmathy from me. Malice is truly the ugliest thing in the world.
After all the drama and the hate, we actually manage to get a very funny conversation. Men, cover your ears. I'm about to talk all things period-related. Natalie doesn't know how to use a tampon. Yes, she's on the rag and yes, she's not showering. Jordan tries to explain to her how a tampon works. They get confused over the fact that your pee hole is indeed different from your fuck hole (Sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to describe it). Jordan was trying to explain to Natalie that you can pee when you have a tampon in. She says, "The pee just goes down the string." Natalie asks if you reuse tampons. Jessie chimes in and says, "No! Even I know that." Natalie says, "So when you take your tampon out, it's full of pee?" Jordan says, "No, it's full of blood." I know. I know. Too much information, but I can't even believe that conversation took place with someone over the age of 16. Jordan finishes the conversation telling Natalie she will teach her how to use a tampon.
Natalie, confused over fuck holes and pee holes, is really fuming inside. She's livid that Jessie has been in the spa room with Lydia for over an hour. She tells Chima she's done with him. She specifically told him not to talk to Lydia again and he disobeyed. Oh go take a shower you filthy cunt rag. Cunt rag is my new favorite phrase. And shower she did. Her Have-Not punishment ended and a week's worth of grime was washed off her tiny evil body.
The night ended with messages from viewers being played into the house. Ok quick question: Why did everyone who called in sound like they live in a remote mountain cabin with no running water and rampant tooth decay? Every single message they played was tinged with a back woods mountains of West Virginey accent. Now I love West Virgina. I visit it often so I don't want to hear any attacks, but the people who were calling in sounded like they haven't been to school since the age of 14 and the messages were all moronic.
The messages ranged from begging the HG's for a car (I'm looking at you Mark from Hartford, CT) to singing them annoying songs over and over again. I got excited when I first heard the messages being played in every 10-15 minutes. I thought this will be funny, but then the same messages were just repeated over and over again. It was so fey. Chima told everyone who watches the live feeds to get a life and Ronnie obsessed over someone calling him out over picking his belly button while reading the bible. Natalie was offended by them all taking them personally and Russ and Jeff think they were all so mean. Ronnie announced, "It's official. America hates us." You got that right ratface.
Please to enjoy...
Russell wrote his HOH blog yesterday and never has an HG been more off the mark. Read for yourself how Russ has completely misjudged everyone in the house: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_brother/interact/hoh_blog/
So tonight is big. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Jeff get his power. If he doesn't use it tonight, I can say with absolute certainty that Ronnie is going home. HOH is going to be a nail biter... no doubt about it. I'd like Kevin, Lydia, Jeff or Jordan to win. I hope this coming week is when we finally see Natalie and Jessie on the block. Those two are due for some retribution.
Finally, I'd like to thank you all again for coming back everyday to read my little rinky dink blog. I went from having 3 readers to having several thousand in the span of a week. Your kind words of support and your spreading the word has made this blog reach more people than I ever imagined. Thank you for the retweets and the compliments. I really really really appreciate it. It's been a ton of fun and I'm thinking of doing a weekly Bitchy Survivor Blog as a result. Is that something you guys would be into? Let me know in the comments.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Had these 2 been good looking, the sexual tension would have been hot, but they're not. They're just a Manbeast and a Ragamuffin. If I ever saw Natalie doing sexy time, I'd probably hurl.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Please to enjoy:
Ronnie, come here, I've got a secret for you. You admire Hitler, you cry when someone confronts you, and your ass is going home. Buh bye. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Your evil sneaky dulplicitous ways are no longer welcome.
Please to enjoy:
Where was Jordan during all this you ask? Princess was playing with her hair remarking how comfy the couch is and thinking that Chima and Russell staged everything. I'm dead fucking serious. Now Jordan thinks she saw Chima and Russell winking at each other during the fight too. Jordan, precious, wake the fuck up! Read some books, go back to school, and get out of your rainbow filled peppermint patty world. It's astonishing how stupid you are. Yes, you're adorable and very likable but your stupidity is beginning to really piss me off. I fear for your future. You're such an easy mark to be taken advantage of. Please be careful when you do anything in life. I feel like you need to have yellow police tape around you warning all evil doers to keep away. Orange cones need to be taped to your ass because someone like you is just an accident or misjudgment away from disaster.
And that's the fat. That's the skinny. You like? I love. These psycho bitches this season are such good drama. From the bottom of my heart I thank them. The DR called them all in one by one telling them to calm down and to try to stay 3 feet away from each other. LOL Good luck with that Big Brother.
I haven't the foggiest what will go down today, but if it's half as good as what happened last night, I'm ready!
A super special thank you to Shea and Alexis, the best clip girls in the world. You guys rock!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Lydia was a tall gangly child. Shy and insecure she often fidgeted on her long doe-like legs. Her parents, bohemian free lovers, loved her unconditionally and were determined to expose her to a myriad of peace loving patchouli stinking experiences. With birkenstocks on her delicate yet large feet, Lydia and her family followed the Grateful Dead every summer selling their tie dye wares and beaded jewelry in places like Lolita, TX and Grasshopper Junction AZ. Actually, Lydia sold the arts and crafts they produced. Her parents sold something called Blue Heaven that came on tiny little pieces of paper. Lydia was scared of the Blue Heaven. Her parents would never let her touch it and their friends always got naked and danced around a bonfire after they ate it. Lydia hated it when they danced. She'd turn beet red when she saw the men and women, hairy and wild, dancing and reaching up to the sky as if in a trance every night.
Whenever her parents and their friends got silly and touchy feely Lydia would retreat to the back of their VW van to play with her imaginary friends. She'd talk to them in a high baby voice and gesture wildly while sharing her deepest darkest secrets with Mr. Farnsworth and Lady Fromaline. Occasionally, a lost hippy or two would stumble back to the van where Lydia hid. All smiley and swaying, they'd begin to paint each other with day glo body paint. Peace symbols and happy faces would adorn their bodies and Lydia would watch them touch and caress each other while she hid under the woven blankets in the back of the van. Her giant brown eyes would grow even giant-er as the decorated long haired lovers would connect and gasp in ecstacy. She wondered what it would be like to have a hot pink happy face drawn on her back while a man touched her tiny breasts and made her squeal in pleasure. She, too, wanted to be an uninhibited and wild lovemaker...
Speaking of love, Russell ain't got none for Chima. During the POV, it appears as if an extra or two was employed. One was a hot girl whom Russell couldn't help but take a liking too. He told some HG's that he thought the girl was a 9 1/2. Natalie, dirty and strange with tangled hair, ran to Chima and told her how Russell wanted to give Ms. 9 1/2 his love muscle. Chima went into a mad maniacal rage cursing all things Russell all day long. Jessie, sensing the danger of Chima losing her shit over Russell, blamed the gossip faux pas on Kevin. He told Russell that Kevin was to blame for Chima's tantrum. Russell gets furious and starts muttering, "I should have just put Chima on the block and sent her home." He launches into a misogynistic tirade that really turned me off. He says that it's no wonder women rarely win Big Brother. They get too fucking emotional. This coming from the man with some serious anger management issues.
Russell's shitty day was only beginning. Jessie and Natalie, realizing that Ronnie is definitely going home and that Michele had turned on them, concoct a plan to lie to Russell. They want Russell to turn his anger on Michele and not be able to trust her. They tell him that Michele came to them saying, "What if Ronnie didn't go home this week?" Jessie makes up some convoluted story about Michele wanting the vote to be 6-3 rather than 5-3. To be quite honest, I have no idea what the hell Jessie was talking about. He's the WORST liar and the worst storyteller and my attention was more focussed on Russell's face and the anger boiling up inside of him.
Even though I have no idea what Jessie and Natalie's plan really was, I have to commend them for thinking outside of the box. I'm all about creative game play - even if it's from a Manbeast and a Ragamuffin. They planted seeds of doubt in Russell concerning Michele making him extra paranoid and scared that she might actually use the POV. This coupled with Chima's jealous rage and Ronnie's desperation made Russell turn into Jason Bourne again creeping around the house spying on conversations.
So Ronnie and Chima have become buddy buddy in their hatred for Russell. Chima is insanely jealous and ticked off that Russell wants nothing to do with her and Ronnie is furious that Russell will be sending him home. He keeps turning to the camera begging America to give him the Wizard Power. The more he does it, the more we all groan. He wonders what kind of edit he's getting. He thinks America must like his scheming and underdog qualities. Little does he know a lynch mob might be waiting for him outside of CBS studios on Thursday.
Jeff and Jordan, on the other hand, can't even imagine having fans. Jeff says, "What the hell would they be a fan of? My ability to do shit all day and lay out?" Actually, Jeffy Pooh, that's exactly what your fans love. Your dreamy body stretching your tank tops tight across your toned chest and your quirky newscap angled just so over your long lashed hazel eyes... alright enough. If I type anymore a mass of uncontrollable orgasms will take place and knock the earth of it's axis and where will that leave us?
The rest of the day was spent with Jessie and Natalie trying to avert disaster with Chima. She was bitching and moaning all day about Russell that live feeders were positive they'd get a massive Chima/Russell fight last night. Manbeast and Ragamuffin told Chima to shut the hell up because the more she bitches the more they get a target on their back. Ronnie is a lost cause now. He's going home, but Chima still has at least another week in the house so she needs to drop it already and stop making waves.
Michele has a heart to heart with Chima which FURTHER upsets Russell. This day has been doing nothing but going wrong for him. He was on top of the world 2 nights ago. He had a new alliance. He was happy. He'd made some solid new friends only to have it all turn to shit because of a jealous wild weaved woman and an ass licker who's confusing his instincts. Jessie and Natalie already planted a seed of doubt in Russell over Michele, but now that Michele and Chima were actually bonding... well clear the deck! Anger Boy could soon explode.
This new alliance of four (Russell, Jeff, Jordan, Michele) is anything but strong. They all doubt each other. They all question each other. Russell can't control his damn mood swings and Jordan won't shut her trap. Jeff even had to yell at Jordan yesterday and tell her to stop talking about things in the past (Casey) and rocking the boat. He wants her to lay low and stop talking to Lydia and Jessie. He really scolded her and I thought she might cry, but she just looked up at him with her giant blue eyes in a little daze. I honestly don't think she heard a word he said because immediately after Jeff reprimands she begins gossiping to Michele. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably lollipops and starry skies, snowflakes and apple pies, horsies and fireflies... who knows what goes on in that empty head of hers?
The weird tense day ended with a tussle in the Have-Not room. Lydia, perhaps sensing that Jessie is distancing himself from her, wants a little face time with the Manbeast so she goes to lay down and her do her baby talk thing. A wild orgy of sexual tension erupts (no, not really) and Lydia takes a couple of feet in her vag. Hot.
Before I end this, I'd like to send out a big thank you to Brooke over at http://getchanailsdid.blogspot.com/. She wrote a very nice review of my blog and I'm extremely appreciative. Anyone interested in all things mani/pedi should give her a visit and show their support. Thanks Brooke!