Tuesday, February 2, 2010

An Open Letter To Michele Noonan

Dear Michele,

How are those new boobs treating you? Great, great... good to hear.

Umm so pumpkin, the reason I'm writing is I understand that you went on a radio show last night and openly accused me of creating Twitter accounts impersonating you and other Houseguests. Not a smart move honey as it's not me. From what I understand, it's illegal to impersonate people online and accusing someone in a very public forum of illegal activity hurts you more than it hurts me. If this whole Twitter thing really bothers you (and I have a feeling you secretly love it), then I encourage you to file subpeona's to Twitter and get the IP numbers of your impersonators. You will quickly find that it's not me, never has been me, and never will be me.

Firstly, I have two Twitter accounts. @ColetteLala is my personal Twitter and @Mr_OShaugnessy is the Twitter of my fictional leprechaun. Both are Private. I have never created any other Twitter accounts and have no intention of doing so. Hasn't your impersonator also mocked Ronnie and Lydia? Not only do I like both Ronnie and Lydia, but I've spoken to both of them in the past. As I tend to protect the people I care for, impersonating them is clearly out of the question.

You also insinuated that I "hate" you and have nothing else better to do but to sit around and think of ways of making your life miserable. I hate to break it to you precious (no, I don't), but... lean in so you can hear this... I'm not the only person who dislikes you. When you consistently put yourself out there in the public eye, you better believe that public ridicule is bound to follow. The fact that you're so insistent that you're not seeking fame is, quite frankly, just offensive. Why would you start a youtube or dailybooth account if it's not attention you're seeking? Why get fake boobs, hair extensions, and the wardrobe of a 13 year old girl who's mad at her mom if it's not to be in the public eye? In all honesty, I'm half convinced you have the movie THIRTEEN playing on a constant loop on your new plasma screen TV.

It must be hard knowing that Jeff and Jordan are about to dominate the BB spotlight in the next few weeks. Is all of this your way of staying relevant? Hey, I don't even care for them, but their fan base pretty much crushes yours - not unlike Godzilla did Tokyo. If going on a radio show to "set the record straight", not take any phone calls, and wildly point fingers at innocent people is what you need to do to feel better about yourself, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're delusional enough to think that people care. I'm sorry you've mistaken a few thousand fans for complete and utter world dominance. I'm sorry you consistently laugh at your own unfunny jokes.

As far as my message board is concerned, my Members talk about any and all Houseguests who either intrigue them or continually make asses of themselves. It just so happens you've dominated the latter category these past few months. Out of curiosity, do you know Tila Tequila? It's a theory I'm working on and you could save me a lot of time by just answering me straight away, but I digress. As a matter of fact, you are a teeny tiny percentage of what goes on over at the Bitchy Network as you yourself should know since you tried to become a member. We have over 20 Member Groups that dish on everything from LOST and Project Runway to coupon clipping in a difficult economy.

I would, however, like to thank you for mentioning my sites on the air. That sort of publicity is priceless and I'd love to send you a fruit basket. Do you prefer all bananas or would you like me to throw in some pineapples too? Let me know.

In closing, as long as you keep posting videos, photos, and updates on your life people are going to comment on it. Not everyone will like you. Repeat that to yourself for the next hour. Not. Everyone. Will. Like. You. Might I suggest you get your head out of your ass (no matter how good it may feel to you) and grow a fucking backbone? Aren't you trying to become a tv host or something like that? Well, Sugartits, you've got a long ways to go and learning to take criticism should be your first lesson.

Yours affectionately,
Colette Lala