Saturday, August 1, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
It's the Final 2 and they're ready to start making some deals. Russell asks everyone to leave because he wants to talk to Jeff in private. Natalie bitches, "But I came out to give you support. Fine. Whatever." Oh just die already you wretched little beast. So everyone is inside and Russell and Jeff are having a man to man on the swings. Russell tells Jeff that he was the single vote for Casey. He gave Casey his word and he stuck to it. He doesn't want anyone else in the house to know - just Jeff (and maybe Jordan). He says Casey left him one of his shirts and he'll show it to Jeff after the game. Jeff is surprised, but not quite ready to drop yet. He doesn't feel 100% safe.
Jeff keeps saying, "Let's do rock, paper, scissors man." but Russell said he'd be mad if he lost doing Roshambo. Jeff agrees and says he'd be pissed too. Russell then tells Jeff that he doesn't really care about the HOH room. He just really wants a letter from his "pops" who just had neck surgery. Russell is extremely close to his father and he wants to know how he's doing. The boys don't quite come to an agreement and they endure another round of water and smashing into the diploma.
During the next lull in the competition, they talk again. Russell swears on his father's life that he will not put up Jeff or Jordan. That's good enough for Jeff and down he goes. We have ourselves a new HOH people. Russell be thy name. The competition ended up lasting just over 3 1/2 hours. Russ has an impossible time getting off the swings as his shorts are all tangled up and he can't really move his legs. Jessie, in full ass kissing mode, offers to carry Russell back into the house. Witness the final drama for yourselves:
Remember how the first 5 people who dropped got to pick a surprise envelope? Well, we already know Kevin won the $5K, but Jordan picked herself up a nifty little prize too. Jordan has the sole power to decide which three HG's will be the Have-Not's. In true Jordan fashion, she completely fumbles and somehow accidentally makes her way to a decision. She decided to put all the names in a hat and simply pick three. She picked Natalie, Kevin, and Jeff. Jeff? Whoopsy Daisy. How did Jeff's name get in there? Restart. She picks another name. This time is Jessie. Oh hell no. Jessie demands that he and Lydia do rock/paper/scissors to decide who goes on slop. Such a gentleman. Is a hand job worth nothing these days?
Lydia refuses to do rock/paper/scissors so they decided to guess whichever number Jordan is thinking of. Lydia says 13. Jessie says 12. Jordan was thinking 15 (probably not) and The Fall Of The Manbeast has been initiated. Jessie is PISSED. He immediately throws a tantrum. Lydia says, "If you're going to be a big baby about it, I'll take it." I started screaming, "No Lydia! Don't give him what he wants!" Well, she must have heard me (because I'm magical) and now Jessie remains on slop. Oh how delicious. Those of you not in the know will be dazzled this week by the various amounts of tantrums Jessie will throw. Jessie does not do well at all on slop. He loses 80 pounds and all his muscles disappear. It's a moment in time that truly brings a tear to my eye. Mini violins around the world all join together to weep out their tragic tunes.
Jessie sulks off to the Spa Room with Natalie hot on his heels. She declares that she's not taking a shower all week because she refuses to take a cold shower. Oh that's just way too easy. Enter your own "Natalie doesn't shower anyways" joke and have a blast. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee and are in full bitch mode. Jessie is going on and on about how it's so unfair that he can't compete to win in the Have/Have-Nots. Big Brother is a fucking fucker who can't break down the HOH competition fast enough to set up a Have/Have-Not competition. He says, "I can't believe I'm on slop. Now I have to suffer. If I got out this week, I'm going to strangle one of the three that did it." Jessie shouldn't have to suffer because of Big Brother's incompetence. How dare they! I mean, he's the great and wonderful Jessie and whatever Jessie wants, Jessie should get.
Natalie, not to be out-bitched, starts complaining about having to sleep next to Kevin, a GAY man. She doesn't want to jeopardize her relationship and disappoint her father. Is this bitch for real? Honey, your relationship was jeopardized the first time you licked Jessie's taint. That finger you have constantly up his ass? That's pissing off your father NOT sleeping next to a gay man. You know what? Natalie and Jessie are PERFECT for each other. It's really a match made in heaven. They can sit for hours wallowing in their disappointment of how the world doesn't treat them right and live happily ever after. They'll have sad bitter little ungrateful children and their misery will live on for generations to come. I said this before and I'll say this again. This week is the beginning of the end for Jessie. It's going to be his worst week imaginable in Big Brother. I, for one, can't wait.
After what seemed liked forever, Russell finally got his HOH room. It was filled with sweets, pajamas, blankets, pillows, and, quite possibly, the coolest letter ever. His whole family sent him little notes and his sister mentioned how all of her single girlfriends are glued to the TV watching Russ. This made everyone laugh and Jessie die a little inside. Please to enjoy...
To see more clips from the Endurance Competition, please visit Shea's page over at Clipser: http://www.clipser.com/user_allvideos.php?mtab=&sr=all&p=1&t=4&uid=50092&ln=0
Thursday, July 30, 2009
BIG show tonight, right? It's looking like we will be having our first edurance competition of the season. I love the endurance comps. I really do. Either the HG's are being hurled into a wall, tangled up in painful pretzel poses, holding on to a key for dear life, being covered in a runny vile substance... I ask you, what's not to love? Anything that tortures HG's is OK by me. The endurance competition coupled with the fact that there's a mysterious "huge announcement" makes tonight very exciting and here's where I climb on top of my soap box...
I am so sick of people saying how boring the house is, how awful the cast is, "Bring back Dr. Will!", Bring back Evel Dick!"... Oh just shut the fuck up. It makes me want to scream when all I see is constant bitching. If you don't like it, cancel your feeds, stop watching CBS, stop following 18 Big Brother blogs, just STOP everything. I don't want old people back. I say when your season is up, it's up. You can come back for All Stars and to host an occasional POV, but other than that I don't want to hear from you again. We are in week 3 people... WEEK 3! In almost 21 days I think we've had maybe 2 1/2 boring days (1 of which was yesterday). Quit your bitching, take a chill pill, and live in the now. Thank you.
So yes, yesterday was very low key. The HG's have finally learned not to push too many buttons the day before an HOH competition. Jessie got his HOH camera and took photos, Michele talked some more about her freaky sexual preferences, and Lydia totally pulled a Project Runway and made Natalie a suit out of trash bags. In anticipation of an endurance competition, Natalie is abnormally obsessed with getting wet. Who does she think she is, Chima? Is she the Wicked Witch Of The West? Will she melt if water touches her skin (insert Natalie shower joke here)? I have no idea why Natalie thinks keeping dry will give her an advantage. I hope it is a wet competition and that the water makes her suit of trash so slippery that she's the first one eliminated.
One more thing about Natalie before we move on, late last night in the HOH room Jessie mentions something about when he was 22. Natalie immediately chimes in and says, "Yeah I used to think the same way when I was 22 too." Uh oh. She then quickly says, "Oh wait I haven't turned 22 yet." She's such an idiot. Bitch can't keep her mouth closed long enough to keep up with the lie about her age. Women lie about their ages all the time. Why is Natalie finding it so damn difficult? (Insert joke about how Natalie isn't a woman here)
Earlier I mentioned a conversation where Michele once again delighted men in the live feed chats. Some of the HG's were talking about orgasms and kegel exercises. Jordan, no surprises here, had NO idea what a kegel was. Isn't this just common knowledge? Well, anyhow, Michele used to do them obsessively and now a ride in a bumpy car makes her orgasm. As funny as this is, I'm really doubting the legitimacy of it. Kegels affect an area nowhere near the clitoris. Instead, I think Michele has a long ass freaky clit that she plays with too much and is constantly daydreaming about sex thus making her more susceptible to a car ride climax.
Chima spent half the night all up on Russell's jock. She's so into him and really wants to hook up, but she's too paranoid about her grandparents seeing her doing anything. I hate that. How boring. She questioned Russ about his favorite sexual positions and how many women he's slept with. Russell refuses to divulge a number and says that men have the ability to completely detach emotion from sex so the number of their sexual partners is always really high compared to a woman's. (Lala glances over at HoodedWarrior) Russell is right. I mean, he's not saying anything we all don't already know, but he is blissfully unaware that women, too, have the ability to detach emotion. Keep that to yourselves girls because as soon as men figure out we're not always in love with them their worlds will start to crumble and ESPN will no longer makes sense.
Expect to see Casey go home tonight. He was funny and likable, but his naivete about the game was his ultimate downfall. He trusted people and that was his mistake. Getting mad at people for lying in Big Brother is like getting mad at Michele wanting to lick your naughty place during sex. Big Brother is made of lies and Michele was made for ass licking. There's no separating the two.
I'm going to actually end this early today. Real life is intervening for a little bit and I've got to motor. I'll make it up to everyone tomorrow with a thrilling recap and clips of the HOH competition.
I leave you with my picks for who I want to win HOH tonight: Lydia, Kevin or Jordan. Jeff can win only if the cliques are dissolved. I essentially want some Athletes asses on the block this week, particularly Jessie and Natalie. It's about time we see them sweat a little.
Who do you want to win HOH?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Yesterday, as my Twitter followers know, I blipped a song in Casey's honor. It was Bananarama's 'Cruel Summer'. I thought it was pure genius. Come on, you know that shit is funny. Only 1 person responded with appreciative enthusiasm. Is it possible I'm not as funny as I thought? No, that couldn't be it... ;)
So yeah the Banana isn't doing well at all. He's getting more rotten as each minute passes. To everyone's surprise though, he actually began campaigning yesterday morning. He tried to convince Russell that Ronnie will eventually turn on the Athletes in the future. He said no one will have to know that Russell voted for him to stay. Russell could keep it a secret if he wanted to. Everyone lies in the DR. The whole pitch was akin to, "Please Russell, pretty pretty please, keep me in the house... I'll be your best friend... it'll be our secret." Russell just sat there quietly not responding. He did a lot of that yesterday as a matter of fact. Are the wheels spinning in that love muscle brain of his or is he just daydreaming of cougars and pantyhose draped over shower doors (Russell has a penchant for more mature ladies in case you didn't know)? Whenever I try to guess what Russell could be thinking about game play I'm always wrong. I'll just say he was dreaming about martinis, burgundy lipstick, and aquanet and move on. Casey ends the conversation saying, "I could start making stuff up. That's what Ronnie would do." Kevin, having seen Casey talking to Russell, shortly thereafter tells Russell, "I'm not going to vote for Casey to stay."
The day had officially begun with a bang and it wouldn't stop until well after 4am my time. Damn you bitches!
Remember the great chess conversation I outlined and posted here the other day? The one where the incredibly astute Kevin explained the subtle nuances of chess and Big Brother? I've always had a knack for picking the clips that'll either make the CBS show or come back to bite someone in the ass. Well, folks, I did it again. That conversation was the match to the Backdraft that was the house yesterday.
Late 2 nights ago Kevin and Lydia approached Michele. They made a pitch to her to cross over and join their fight to take down the Athletes. Kevin explained his chess metaphor to her thinking that, as an intellectual, she'd appreciate the thought that went into such a plan. Think again. Michele and her big old trunk of miserable cocktail dresses went right on up to the HOH and blabbed the whole plan to Jessie and his minions. Seriously Michele? You just did that? You bitch! You moth ball smelling bitch!
Natalie, probably thrilled to finally have some dirt on Lydia, went on the warpath. She was up in arms that anyone would dare try to take down her precious Jessie... especially if that "anyone" was the mean and evil Lydia. She pulled Lydia into the storage room and gave her a good talking to. Lydia, donning her Madonna "Who's That Girl?" hat, didn't even hesitate. Kevin, come here please. Lay down right here on this bus route. Just sit tight because a double decker will be along shortly.
Oh Lydia... *shakes head* Why? You reel me in and make me like you again and then you pull something stupid like this. Why, in the name of all that is holy, would you turn on your main gay? Don't you know that turning on your gay is like skinning an innocent kitten? You just don't do it! She told Natalie the details of the entire chess conversation that I had taken such delight in. You bitch Lydia! I get that she was trying to save face, but I don't get why Natalie can make her crumble so easily. Couldn't Lydia have just made something up? Natalie is a little gossipy pipsqueak. You should never tell her anything of value EVER!
Kevin got a whiff that something stinks in Burbank -something other than Chima's Jean Nate - so he pulled Natalie into the HOH bathroom to try to put out some fires. The rumor has spread in the house that Kevin wants Natalie out. Sure, it's true, but the house isn't supposed to have this privileged information. He tells Natalie that he's never ever ever said he'd nominate Natalie, Jessie, Chima or Lydia. Kevin tells Natalie that he just tried to get a read on what Michele would do if she wins HOH. Natalie, completely lies, and tells Kevin that she trusts him and takes everything he says at face value. (I know she's lying because immediately afterwards she says, "If I win HOH, Kevin is going up.") Kevin lays the blame on Casey and Michele calling them "uber sheisty" for spreading falsities. He tries to get Natalie to admit that Michele spilled the beans about the whole chess convo, but Natalie doesn't fall for it and reveals nothing.
Meanwhile outside, Jordan goes up to Chima and asks why people are spreading rumors about Kevin wanting an alliance with her. Chima immediately goes up to the HOH to confront Natalie. She's pissed that Natalie is running her mouth to everyone. She calls out Natalie in front of Jessie, Russell, and Ronnie. Russell and Jessie take Chima's side and agree that Natalie needs to shut her huge ass mouth and stop talking shit to everyone. Natalie gets all defensive and wants to have another Algonquin Round Table meeting to confront Jordan and find out who the liar is - just like they did with Ronnie. Jessie and Co. immediately nix that idea telling Natalie to calm the fuck down.
Natalie, clearly not calming the fuck down, marches downstairs and tries to press Jordan for answers. Jordan, with her tummy spilling over her shorts, just stammers and makes no sense whatsoever. It's clear Natalie is trying to get Jordan to blame Lydia or Kevin. She is just itching to have a reason to blow up to Lydia. Jordan, surprisingly, doesn't reveal any information. She refuses to give Natalie the ammunition she's looking for. Natalie assures Jordan that if she wins HOH she won't put Jordan on the block. Why does Natalie always say this? I swear, everyday the phrase, "If I win HOH..." escapes her lips at least 100 times. Natalie precious, you have yet to win HOH. You're not the bad ass you think you are. Talk about winning all you want, but I have yet to see it happen.
Immediately after Natalie tries to get dirt on Lydia, she's waddles back up to the HOH all heated and emotional. Russel and Jessie lay into her again telling her to stop starting shit all the time. She needs to shut up and stop confronting everyone. The more she goes on yammering away, the more pissed off the house gets. The Athletes already have a huge target on their back. They don't need Natalie making it even worse. Suddenly BB makes an announcement, "Michele please go to the Diary Room." Russell says, "Oh my god I want her out." Everyone laughs. Ronnie leaves the conversation and then Russell immediately regrets having talked so much game in front of Ronnie. It was kind of nice to see Russell stress a little about the game. It's so rare we get a glimpse into his master plan that when we finally do, it's fascinating. He hates that he just revealed some of his cards in front of Ronnie. He knows Ronnie has the potential to spin anything he says into something that can be used against him in the future. Russells M.O. is to tell other people very little. That way he can never get caught in a lie.
Natalie, not giving a shit about anyone other than herself, is still harping on about Lydia. Everyone in her alliance has basically told her to shut up but it's fallen on deaf ears. Natalie wants to go and call Lydia out NOW. Chima and Jessie tell her that it's stupid to call anyone out right before a new HOH. If Natalie has a huge fight with Lydia and then Lydia wins HOH, Natalie is in deep shit and will definitely be on the block. Finally! Common sense. I can't believe that came out of Jessie and Chima's mouths, but that's what I've been saying since Week 1. You don't instigate big ass fights right before a shift in power. Natalie just says, "I want to punch Lydia". Jessie replies, "Well don't take it out on me."
Jessie's girl problems are far from over. The confrontations yesterday just kept coming. This time it was Lydia's turn. Completely pissed off by the conversation she had with Natalie in the storage room, she sits on Jessie's bed and waits patiently for him to come out of the bathroom. She then turns to him and says, "You completely fucked me." *Lala snickers* Yeah, he fucked you, but I don't know about how completely. Ba dum bum!
Lydia lays into Jessie and here's what happened:
Later Jessie again has a talk with Natalie. He tells her to stop picking fights with Lydia. He says Lydia has gone to bat for them so many times and Natalie can deny it all she wants but it's true. Natalie just shakes her head and calls him naive. I am PRAYING, and I don't pray, that Lydia wins HOH. Will she have the balls to put Natalie on the block? Will Natalie begin kissing her ass? Will Jessie become a more attentive lover? These are questions I need answered this week.
Oh but I can't dwell on the next HOH. I haven't the time because yet another drama is brewing.
OK so Kevin and Lydia are now the talk of the house and if they don't do some damage control pronto then they are up shit's creek. They concoct a brilliant plan which will get them off the hook and hang Michele out to dry. Kevin needs to assure Jessie that he and Lydia are not after the Athletes (even though they totally are). He says he's going to go to the HOH and tell Jessie that Michele is to blame for everything. How delicious. She's so useless and boring. Blame everything on Michele I say! Kevin is going to tell Jessie that Michele completely misinterpreted the chess conversation. He'll say that she was half asleep and doesn't know what the hell she was talking about. He'll throw in that she said she'd put Jeff and Jessie on the block just for good measure. The Jeff nomination is true. Michele wants him out, but the Jessie one is completely fabricated.
At home sitting in bed, I was captivated. I couldn't wait to see if Kevin managed to pulled it off. Chatters and Showtime viewers alike were glued to their screens. Kevin goes into the HOH where Chima and Jessie are lying in bed. He lets out a big dramatic sigh and unfurls the most beautifully crafted monologue I've ever heard. He's sharp, he's direct, he's matter of fact, he's witty, he's charming, he's self deprecating, he's flowery, he's charismatic, he's a vision in aqua and magenta. Lord Byron would have been jealous. Jessie was smitten. He eyes were open wide, he was giggly and blushing, he was so captivated by everything Kevin was saying. It really was a truly beautiful moment. Look at this face and tell me that's not love:
Kevin says Michele is the female version of Ronnie. Who knows what the hell she's thinking? She'a a bitch and her allegiances change daily. If the wind blows, Michele's alliances blow with it. Jessie is enchanted. Anyone who comes into the HOH and kisses Jessie's ass in a roundabout way enchants him. The way to Jessie's heart is through Jessie. Kevin assures Jessie that he would only nominate Ronnie and Jeff. Jessie asks him, "Who's your third choice?" Kevin replies, "Oh Michele! That dumb bitch. Actually, she might be my number 1 now." Chima and Jessie clap and giggle and with that Kevin leaves the HOH. As soon as the door is shut Chima turns to Jessie and says, "I believe him." Bravo Kevin! *Lala throws flowers at his feet*
Are we done yet? No. Hell no.
This brings us to Ronnie, Lydia and Kevin in the splash room. Ronnie is back to running his mouth like there is no tomorrow. That week when he was locked away in the HOH he wasn't sad and depressed, he was recharging his shit stirring batteries. Ronnie is back and in full force. He was bored and looking for shit to stir and only Lydia and Kevin would accomodate him. He immediately lays into Russell and Casey saying that they need to leave. He tells Lydia and Kevin he's never lied to them (lie) and he doesn't shut up for the next half hour. Little does Ronnie know that Russell and Casey are on the other side of the door listening to every single word they are saying. Oooops. View the magic for yourself:
After all that Casey unleashes on Ronnie. Ronnie fights back. Casey bitches and moans. Lydia screams at him telling him to shut up already. Yes, he's on the block, but just shut the fuck up already. LOL Lydia has a couple of moments where I really like her. Occasionally, I can still see that cool girl from the pre-interview and she's delightful and funny. Those moments are so brief though. I'm still really annoyed she threw Kevin under the bus. If she has the balls to put both Jessie and Natalie on the block should she win HOH, then I will fucking love her again. Until then, she's lucky as hell that Kevin is as smart as he is.
I can't end this without discussing that huge announcement thing on the CBS show last night. Everyone is assuming it's the end of the cliques. Some are bitching that the termination of the cliques isn't HUGE at all. To the viewer only watching CBS, ending the cliques would be huge. Only a very small percentage of BB fans watch the feeds religiously and follow masterpiece blogs likes mine. Most people are still shocked when nominations get revealed on Sundays. I see it every week on Twitter. The #BB11 tweets multiply tenfold and it becomes a trending topic. For example, Casey going up last night was SHOCKING to millions of people. They literally had no idea.
So are the cliques ending going to be the huge announcement? Does CBS have something else in mind? Someone in the chats suggested that maybe the teams will now be a 'Battle Of The Sexes' type thing. The HG's were given special footwear for this weeks HOH competition. Red for boys. Blue for girls. Is that a sign of something to come?
Or perhaps there will be a schoolyard team picking kind of thing? Maybe they'll be able to pick their own teams or maybe they'll all simply begin to play as individuals. No matter what the announcement will be, I have no doubt that it will change the game. Even if it's something as simple as terminating the cliques. Jeff without his Athlete support would be especially vulnerable. We'll all be tuning in on Thursday to find out. That's for sure.
A super special thanks to Shea, the most awesome clip girl on the planet and a shout out to @Cfahooligan at Twitter. Thanks ladies!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Baby talk makes my ears bleed and my brain hurt. It's like nails on a chalkboard and I don't think I'm alone in thinking that. Live Feeders were treated to an inordinate amount of baby talk caca yesterday afternoon. Lydia had baby talk diarrhea of the mouth. She was cooing and teasing and questioning and pouting and oh my god I wanted to take a rusty spike and jam it in my ear. When Jessie joined in I threw up in my mouth a little bit. This brings me to my first public service announcement ever...
Yesterday and last night was basically spent with the HG's losing their ever loving minds. Casey is one angry banana and he's not shy about letting everyone know about it. It was funny until he took it to an ugly place. He said some very rude things about Ronnie's wife which, in turn, instigated a twitter war. People are actually taking the time to send her hateful and insulting tweets. She's not in the house. Ronnie is. If you get mad at anyone, get mad at Ronnie. Sending people tweets calling them fat and ugly is simply repugnant. If I see anyone sending someone who's NOT even in the game insulting tweets, you will be blocked. I don't care if it's Casey's sons, Jordan's brothers, Ronnie's wife, Jeff's grandma, Natalie's father... these people are off limits. Plain and simple. I'm not a Ronnie fan at all. I still think Michelle Talbott is a lovely woman. Ronnie is indeed running his mouth again and saying some things in the house I don't agree with, but I'll express my anger with that by commenting on HIM here and holding HIM accountable. Leave his wife out of it. Am I nuts here in thinking this is common sense? Someone please tell me if I'm not thinking rationally in believing that family members should be off limits.
So yes, Casey is pissed. He went up as Michele's replacement and he's one sore loser. He's not making deals. He's not campaigning to stay. Instead, he sings angry banana songs, "I'm a man in a banana suit... man in a banana suit, Banana suit at night, Banana suit all day..." His anger eventually turned to utter lunacy which was very entertaining to all watching.
Here are some Casey Banana Gems:
“It’s all good, it’s all good, kind of …. Not really”
Oh Natalie. You walk like a duck and you dress like a boy, but that's not why I can't stand you. I can't stand you because you act like you are running that house (and according to Kevin you are), your lies make no sense (and will end up costing you the game because no one wants an 18 year old to win), and you are insanely jealous of Lydia (if you want Jessie for yourself just hook up with him and get it over with). For the record, I do not think Natalie is gay. I've been asked this many times by several people and after careful analysis Natalie is NOT a Sapphic sister. She's a tomboy who happens to be straight. I hate to crush any stereotypes out there (not!), but a tomboy does not a lesbian make.
Little Natalie, known as Gnat in her neighborhood, was tiny, spunky, and a trouble maker. Her father had spoiled her rotten giving her everything her heart desired... Ninja Turtles, G.I. Joes, Hot Wheels, Tonka Trucks... and, as a result, Natalie was bossy and hated by all the other girls in her town. She delighted in decapitating Barbies and stabbing My Little Ponies (somewhere Laura is crying over this) and never thought twice about delivering a knuckle sandwhich or 2 to the pretty girls with long blonde ringlets. Her father enrolled her in a martial arts class as a creative way for her to channel her anger. Tae Kwon Do fit Natalie like a glove. She thrived in being given permission to kick someone's ass.
She'd kick anything that would sit still long enough... the family dog (Poor Susie later ran away and joined a travelling dog circus. A dog can take being carried around by her tail for only so long you know.), table legs, the side of houses, potted plants, fence posts, etc. The whole neighborhood began to look like a giant dented can of beans. Families would wake up to find their mailboxes kicked in and they'd think to themselves, "Little Gnat must have had Tae Kwon Do class last night". Her poor father was forever apologizing and making trips to the hardware store.
One day when Natalie had her first Tae Kwon Do match with the little out of state martial arts studio her life changed forever. Her father had pressed her uniform and braided her hair even putting little tiny bows on the ends. Natalie had grumbled over the bows a litte. All she wanted to do was kick some ass and not get into trouble for it. The whole town came out that day to see what the Little Gnat could do. Bets were placed in a hope to earn back some of the money spent replacing yard gnomes and Barbecue grills toppled over by the Gnat's fierce feet. Her first match was over in seconds. Natalie owned that little rodent and almost got disqualified for spitting in his ear when she had him pinned down. She cruised through her second and third matches as well. Her coach had learned to run in and carry Natalie off before she could spit in anymore facial orifices.
It was her final match. Her braids were falling out, her eyes were wild and maniacal, and her feet couldn't sit still. It was as if an invisible pair of The Red Shoes adorned her tiny deadly toes. This was the moment Natalie was waiting for. Her head was swimming with the lyrics of her favorite song, "You're the best around, Nothing's gonna ever keep you down, You're the best around, Nothing's gonna ever keep you dooooown!" Her opponent came out and stood on the other side of the mat. He was small and scrawny and came from a hick town somewhere in Iowa. Natalie knew this kid was toast. They met halfway in the center of the mat, shook hands, and that's when it happened. Natalie met eyes with the most beautiful boy she's ever met. He had a quirky out of control cowlick, a smug sideways grin, and piercing hazel eyes. His chin was a little weak, but Natalie could forgive him that. As they shook hands, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Could you please let me win? My brothers are here and they'll kill me if I lose." Natalie pulled away and looked into his pleading eyes. Then she glanced at the name embroidered with care on his uniform. JESSIE. Natalie looked up at Jessie and said, "Yeah. I'll let you win."
Thanks to Bloodydove for the blog title
Monday, July 27, 2009
We start our day with Chima and Jessie lying in the HOH. They're talking about how Lydia and Kevin could vote to keep in Casey. Jessie notes that Lydia "has no enemies. She's sitting pretty." First off, he totally stole my line. Secondly, he's almost correct. Sure, Lydia has no real enemies, but she's extremely vulnerable. Her position is definitely not one of power. More on that later.
So yesterday was Chima's birthday and I could really give a rat's ass to be honest with you. Big Brother gave the HG's decorations and cake so they could surprise Chima with a little party. Ronnie's mission was to keep Chima occupied in the HOH while the other HG's put streamers everywhere and got into the party spirit. Ronnie and Chima's conversation quickly turned to game and all things unsavory. Chima instantly begins dogging Casey for pretending to be black. She calls him an "ignorant buffoon" and says things about him being a role model for his students. Ronnie, a teacher himself, begins to say that Casey should lose his job for the way he's acted in the house. This instantly rubbed chatters the wrong way. Casey has a family and Ronnie hasn't exactly been the epitome of a moral compass either in the house. I think that when you're in the house, all bets are off. Be as wretched as you want as long as you don't bring race, personal backstories, and anything physically harmful into the game. Braden's Beaner Fight is a perfect example of something that does NOT belong in the house. Ronnie lying to everyone, on the other hand, is fine. If that is how he wants to play his game, I don't care just leave Casey's personal life out of it.
The BB house is decorated with streamers and it's all very festive. Big Brother has even given the Brains permission to eat party food for exactly one hour. The HG's are excited that Chima will get to eat cake. They're insistent she'll be thrilled. Not so fast buttercups. This is Chima we're talking about here.
Natalie goes to get Chima and Ronnie in the HOH, but Chima declares she has to poop. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her down the stairs. She sees the streamers and says, "What is this?" Uhhh, what do you think it is bitch? She takes a look around sees the cupcakes and instantly gets pissed. How DARE you throw her a birthday party when she's not cute, when's she's not told in advanced, when she's been sleeping all day, when she has to poop, when she hasn't given you the royal decree that a birthday party is ok in the first place! Oh. My. God. I wanted to slap her so hard. What an ungrateful cunt! Way to be a buzzkill Chima. Never has a surprise party gotten so ugly so fast. After that it was just depressing and sad. Chima read a letter from her grandmother, but you know deep inside she was thinking, "I can't believe they didn't let me fix my hair." Bitch.
This brings us to the best and most perceptive moment in this game so far. Anyone anywhere still saying that Kevin isn't playing this game is completely, without a shadow of doubt, 100% wrong. Lydia and Kevin are sitting outside on the couches and they begin to discuss their positions in the game. They feel like Jessie can turn on them at any moment and begin to discuss aligning with Jeff and Jordan. Kevin, smart as a whip, has it all figured out. He says that Big Brother is a human chess game and right now Natalie is the Queen and Jessie is the King. That's exactly how I feel! When friends of mine comment on my obsession with the game, I always say BB is a human chess game filled with complicated strategy and moves. That's why I watch. That's why for 10 weeks out of the year I become obsessed with it. It's all about completing complicated maneuvers and how one goes about achieving those goals.
In chess, each chess piece has it's own style of moving. Some pieces are more limited than others only able to move in a restricted fashion. The King and Queen have the most options available moving wherever they like and manipulating the rest of the pieces to their advantage. Kevin has realized that he and Lydia are very restricted at this moment in time. Lydia has the power of a Bishop or Rook while Kevin is more like a pawn. He's fine with that because a pawn in nonthreatening and no one goes out of their way to destroy a pawn.
The Athletes have basically cornered Lydia and Kevin. If Ronnie was to win HOH, he won't nominate an Athlete and he can't nominate anyone on his own team. Who does that leave? Right! Kevin and/or Lydia. Saving Ronnie this week makes them extremely vulnerable next week. Lydia wants to make a move to get Chima on her side. Kevin thinks it's futile. Chima is already too close to the Athletes. Lydia wants a fight to happen amongst the Athletes. It's all a numbers game and the Athletes numbers need to be broken up as soon as possible.
Kevin wants to create alliances with people who will look after him. Right now the people he's aligned with would stab him in the back the first chance they got. Kevin insists the Athletes are playing 3 moves ahead in this human chess game. Lydia and Kevin are playing only one move ahead. Chess strategy consists of setting and achieving long term goals while staying steady and focussed on the immediate game in front of you. Balancing the long term with the immediate is the key to success in Chess. It's also the key to success in Big Brother.
They come to the conclusion that they need Jeff and Jordan. Kevin thinks he can also get Michele onboard. He warns Lydia that Jessie will turn on her at any moment and put her on the block. He thinks it's fucked up and, unless the cliques change, Kevin and Lydia are in serious trouble. They also want to play on Russell's paranoia and try to turn him against Jessie. Jessie and Ronnie play like computers. They only have their eye on the prize. Lydia, Chima, Kevin have been playing emotionally. It's turned them into pawns and therefore easily expendable. It's a facinating conversation that cannot be missed. Thanks to Bloodydove and BB11_Unleashed for the tip and thanks to Shea at Clipser for the clip.
What happens next sets the ball rolling for the rest of the day. Lydia tells Jordan that Jessie is thinking of putting up Casey rather than Ronnie. In true Jordan fashion, she immediately runs and tells Jeffy Pooh. After a sadly pathetic Margarita Party, complete with sombreros and pinatas, Jeff tells Casey of the Athletes new plan. Casey is honestly stunned. I was honestly stunned. I thought Casey had an inkling that this could happen. He's been in such a wretched mood ever since Thursday... long before he got that banana suit. Was it really his lack of cigarettes that put him in such a funk? I really thought he knew something was up. Turns out, he didn't have the foggiest. Casey immediately goes up to the HOH to have a talk to Jessie.
This whole time Russell, Jordan and Lydia have been in the HOH delighting Showtime viewers with a very candid sex talk. It always gets back to sex, doesn't it? The discussion centers around favorite sexual positions and brings me to the quote of the night. Lydia says she likes doggie style and Jordan replies, "I don't like doggie style. Doesn't it make you queef a lot?". LOL Russell, in a fit of hysterics, falls over trying to contain his laughter. He then declares that he prefers Reverse Cowgirl. Now you know Jordan has no idea whatsoever what the hell that means so Lydia and Russell demonstrate it for her. Russell also likes to lift a girl up with her legs over his forearms. Be careful there Russelll. You keep talking like that and I might start seeing rainbows fly out your butt everytime you leave a room.
Casey finally gets his meeting with Jessie and, I'm sorry, but it's all just so ridiculous trying to have a man to man with a guy who looks like this:
The Banana Man has lost his a-peel so to speak. Jessie informs him that the "right man is going home" and that he heard Casey making a stink over the Athletes winning everything. Casey doesn't understand why in the world he would go on the block. He thought they still had their week 1 alliance. He actually believed that Algonquin Round Table bullshit that took place the other night. He insists he never meant to stir up any "anti-Athlete momentum". Michelle Talbott was hysterical on Twitter last night. She tweeted, "Don't fall for it Jessie!" LOL
Casey goes on to throw Lydia under the bus saying she hates Natalie. Pretty lame attempt there Casey. Jessie knows the 2 are fighting over his wedding tackle. He eats that shit up with a spoon. In the end, the Banana Man splits (did you see what I did there? ) and goes outside to violently smoke cigarette after endless cigarette. He keeps saying over and over again, "I'm a grown man. I'm not a kid." No Casey, you're a giant yellow banana who trusted the wrong bunch. Buck up cowboy, don't be so blue, banana. It's only a game.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Yesterday was the all important Veto Competition and, good news, lot's of prizes and punishments were given out. The players were Jessie, Michele, Jordan, Casey, Chima and Jeff. Jessie walked away $2500 richer (believe me, I know how much this pisses you all off), Michele got a trip to the Bahamas (I think), Casey won a Margarita Party for the house, and Chima may or may not have gotten a unitard (reports are conflicting and there was no sign of it last night). The funniest outcome has to be Casey's banana suit. He has to wear it all day everyday except when he showers and sleeps. That thing is going to STINK by Tuesday. He plans on working out in it. Ewwwww! Finally, the all important veto went to Michele. She was thrilled of course and blessed me with another one of her unique cocktail dresses.
It was a lazy Saturday in her University town, the kind of Saturday that screamed "Antiquing!". Debbie's friend Manuel had delighted in showing Michele what precious tchotchkes can be unearthed during a long day of yard sale hopping. Over the past few months she'd managed to collect 4 incomplete sets of Russian dolls, some fine mismatched china, and a handbag made of ostriche feathers, but nothing would rival the gem she managed to pick up today. The little old woman who lived in the huge Victorian on top of the hill was cleaning house. Her parrot Ferdinand had finally passed on and she no longer had use for all of her collectibles. She knew that she'd be joining Ferdinand soon enough in that big bird cage in the sky.
Manuel dragged Debbie and Michele to the old lady's estate sale. Behind the folding bird-themed card table Manuel discovered a rack of clothes. Dress after gorgeous dress lined the rack. Something other than their musty moth ball smell triggered something in Manuel. He'd seen these dresses before! He searched his memory fast and furious trying to remember who had once worn all these masterpieces. He looked at the label on one of the jumpers and read "Property of MGM". Of course! Only the patron saint of gays herself had worn each and every one of these dresses. Mary Richards... this was the ENTIRE collection of dresses worn by Mary Tyler Moore on the Mary Tyler Moore show! As it turns out the little old lady was the wardrobe mistress and she swiped the entire closet when the show went off the air. Manuel smiled his cheeky grin. He knew of the perfect girl to do these get-ups justice. Her turned to Michele and with a single solitary finger beckoned her over...
If you have a tip or a clip you think I might have missed, feel free to contact me on Twitter or via email (firstname.lastname@example.org). Provide a time and description and I'll look into it. If I use your tip in the blog, you'll get massive props and be the envy of all your friends.
Here's your whacky video of the day... Ronnie is "White and Nerdy":