1,000,000

Never in my life did I ever think my little awkward ramblings would get one million hits. NEVER. The first day I started this blog I had 3 readers and I was ecstatic.

It's been a long tumultuous four years. I've lost summers and friends. I've been impersonated and banned. But, in the end, I always did what I thought I was good at... I wrote.

Not many things make me weepy and sad. I'm the hard ass bitch who makes fun of people for chrissake!

But, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Other Big Brother sites hit this years ago and probably much quicker. For me, it is today. And, I gotta tell you, it makes it all worth it. It makes it all FUCKING WORTH IT.

I'm proud and I'm amazed. More than all that, I'm really thankful. I never did what the other sites did. I wasn't diplomatic, I picked favorites and, sometimes, I made up incredibly weird stories. But you guys stuck around and you told your friends. And they told their friends. Nicknames became commonplace and my weird stories grew legs.

This is definitely one of those word of mouth sites so thank you to every single one of you. If you cursed me, if you mocked me, if you copied me, if you actually liked me... THANK YOU. Thank you so much.

Love and other indoor sports,
Colette Lala

All Hell Breaks Loose

What is there to say when the hairy underbelly of society peers out from underground lairs and exposes themselves to the world? What is there to say when the ickiest parts of reality smack you in the face? I'm not sure you need to say anything at all. Instead, you feel. You feel things like disgust, hatred, exasperation, anger, heartbreak, sadness, frustration and perhaps maybe even joy. Perhaps we come out the other side of all of this better people. Sometimes it takes watching a little ugliness to make us all shiny and pretty again. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a hell of a night that has taken me all morning to catch up on which is why this entry will be more photos than commentary. Believe me, I'll have plenty to say about it all tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show.

Let's start at the very beginning. That's a very good place to start. The live feeds switch on and all we hear is an injured seal wailing in the background. I don't know what sort of speedboat ran over this slimy creature, but it sounds like it is in agony. Apparently it's not-really-lover left and now the only way to get through it is to weep uncontrollably into a soiled pair of his boxer shorts.

Elsewhere we find some more sad ponies. "Oh my god, this sucks! I don't even want to be here anymore! I'm so over this. I just want to go home." Sportsmanship!

And oh yeah, this is still going on too. It's been like 2 hours, but the seal still wails.

And wails.

Through the tears, the girls are finally able to form some thoughts. They collectively decide that Jessie is to blame for everything. She may be only one vote, but it was a vote against Nick and she betrayed the alliance that has treated her like shit since day one so, the hell with her!

VaGina (Ginamarie) later storms into the bedroom where the winning side of the house has been congregating. She points to Jessie and again blames her for Nick going home. Jessie tells her she'll be happy to talk to her later if she wants. VaGina is still too emotionally distraught over the "man that never loved her" to talk. Instead, she tells everyone else in the room how much she likes them - except Jessie! Except horribly hateful, she killed my last chance at love, Jessie.

Later, Jessie goes to her own bedroom to start picking up and putting away her clothes. But, what's this?! Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Asshat (Jeremy) are lying in her sheets tangled up in one another eating ice cream off her pillow. Jessie sits next to them on the bed and says, "This is my bed. It's been mine since the beginning." Eyebrows replies, "Good luck with that!" And then the chunky chocolatey ice cream word vomit kept spilling out of Eyebrows' mouth and didn't stop until someone, probably, later stuck a dick in it.

Aryan then chimes in and wants to know why Jessie betrayed them. Jessie tells them openly and frankly that they've treated like shit and she knew she was the least important person in their alliance. She says, "I was never important to you guys so don't sit here and act like I was."

Then J-U-DD enters the room and Eyebrows shouts, "JUDD GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" J-U-DD ignores Eyebrows and walks over to Jessie. She tells him that the girls are ganging up on her and they stole her bed. Eyebrows then starts screaming at J-U-DD for lying to her face about how he was going to vote. J-U-DD, with his glassy Xanax eyes, glances at Eyebrows and mumbles, "hjsifioufsreuio" He sure told her!

Upstairs, Helen gets her HOH room and everyone is pretty festive about it except grumpy Aryan and depressed VaGina. Elvira (Elissa) cries over Helen's photos of her children and Helen cries as she reads her letter from home. Jessie quietly and quickly steals away from the HOH room and sneaks downstairs to reclaim her bed from that slut Eyebrows.

Eyebrows walks in and sees Jessie in the bed. She tells Jessie that it looks like she could use a little company so Eyebrows proceeds to crawl into bed next to Jessie. Jessie asks her to please leave her alone so Eyebrows moves to the end of bed and plants her bloody diseased vagina there. Asshat then enters and also begins to taunt Jessie. He crawls into bed with her as well and refuses to leave when Jessie tells him that he is making her uncomfortable.

Then, all hell breaks loose. Aryan has had just about enough of everything. In anger she flips over Candice's bed while Eyebrows looks on and giggles. Candice eventually walks in and asks, "Why did you move the bed?" Eyebrows replies, "I didn't touch that bed." Candice asks, "Who did it? Who touched the bed?" Not getting any answers, Candice asks Jessie to please go get Howard for her. Jessie says she can't because if she leaves then Eyebrows and Asshat will steal her bed.

Candice quietly begins to put her bed back together as Aryan walks into the room. Seeing Candice there, she spins around so fast it'll make your head spin. The little chicken shit ran right back out of the room.

Meanwhile, Jessie and Asshat are still bickering on the bed. You can see his legs up there in the frame. That's him in bed with Jessie. Jessie asks him again to please leave her alone. She says, "I've asked you respectfully." Asshat replies, "And I resepectfully decline your wishes." Over on the other bed, Eyebrows bursts into hysterical laughter and starts making weird quotation marks as she screams at Jessie about how that's not her bed to claim. I have to say something here. Something I've never said on this blog. Eyebrows is a fucking bully. I hate that word and I think it's overused and abused, but this bitch is mean. She taunted Jessie all freaking night and she took an evil pleasure in it. It was, I hate to say it, out and out bullying. Eyebrows showed a different side of herself last night. We've all seen her vagina. This time we saw what a hateful cow she is.

Eventually, Aryan comes back into the room. Asshat asks her if she got in trouble. Aryan flips her hair and giggles, "No." Candice then says to the room that if anyone flips her bed again, it's going to be all out hell in the house. Eyebrows then shouts, "Whoo! I'd like to see that." Aryan then puts on what I think is supposed to be a black voice. She says, "What you gonna do gurrrl? The black gonna come out of you?!" She then snaps her fingers and slides her neck back and forth. She continues, "Do something. Do it right now. I want to see riiiiight now." Aryan again makes what are supposed to be "black girl" motions. Candice replies, "I'm not doing anything right now." Aryan barks, "Well then, don't talk. And first of all, I wouldn't get in yo bed anyways with all them crabs."

*silence* Oh my god.

Howard then enters and gives a look. A look so priceless I want it on a poster.

And then, for some reason, VaGina jumps up and starts screaming in Candice's face, "What you gonna say? What you gonna say? What you gonna say?" Candice replies, "I'm not going to say anything." VaGina continues, "The blacks this way and the whites that way!" Howard then lifts Candice up and carries her out of the room. The last thing we hear is Eyebrows, "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh I just wanted to smack her right there."

WOW.

We then find Candice and Howard in the Have-Not. Candice is angry and sits in silence while Howard tells her that everything they say to her, all the racial stuff, is like them calling him the N-word. He tells her he doesn't want her sleeping in that room because he has a temper and if he goes back there, he'll lose it and get sent home. He says it breaks his heart to see those girls attack his black queen. He says that since Big Brother is allowing it to continue that they must want it to play out. He tells her that they need to think long term. Of course the stuff they say bothers him, but he turns to his Bible and that is the one thing that helps him.

Candice then starts to cry over the thought of Asshat and Eyebrows in her bed. She really wants her own bed. She says her favorite part of being in the house is getting to sleep next to Howard at night in that bed. Howard continues to try to reason with her. He tells her that all of this is so much bigger than the bed. He tells her that when CBS called his friends to see how his temper was, he told them all to lie. He said he never would have been put in the house if they really knew how he can get. He says he'll blow everything, lose the money and go home, but if he does that then Candice will truly be alone in the house. Candice continues to cry about losing the bed. That bed is incredibly important to her. I think it's a symbol to her. A symbol that she has something she can rely on in this game.

Candice eventually leaves and Howard is left alone in the Have-Not. It's a gut wrenching scene as Howard tries to fight the tears, but he can't. He clutches the suitcases and begins to cry. Watching him on my laptop, my own tears began to fall. At that moment, I felt all of Howard's anger and frustration. I felt with him and I felt for him. He begins to plead with God to please help him through this. Please guide him. He grips the suitcases even tighter and cries all that much harder. It might be the most emotional thing I've ever seen in the Big Brother house. It absolutely broke my heart.

Big Brother then comes on the loud speaker, "Would Howard please go to the Diary Room?" Howard exhales and tries to compose himself. You know the last thing he wants to do is let the other Houseguests see that he has broken down. Watching him try to regain his composure, I started to bawl. I literally ached for this man. Thinking about it again now, the tears return.

But I don't want to end this on a sour note. I want to end this on a beautiful note. I want to end this with justice and grace. I want to end this telling you about how Amanda gave Aryan the smackdown of her life! Back in that bedroom of horrors, Amanda enters and she's fet up with everyone attacking Jessie. Jessie isn't the only one who cast a vote for Nick. She tells them that they've been treating Jessie like shit since the beginning so it's no wonder she flipped and joined the other side of the house. Amanda tells everyone in that room that they've all talked shit about each other. Aryan has talked shit about Eyebrows and Eyebrows has talked shit about Aryan. How can they be in an alliance with each other when they don't even trust one another?

Amanda then turns to Aryan and told her she should have been nice to Elvira and Howard when she advised her to be. She says she was just trying to help Aryan. She even went to her as a friend and tried to help her shake herself loose from all this racism stuff. Aryan asks her all snottily, "You were being a friend?" Amanda says it is so obvious that the show is portraying Aryan as incredibly racist and she was trying to help Aryan. Aryan asks, "How do you know that?" Amanda tells her that she's been asked about it over and over again in the Diary Room. The whole house has been asked about Aryan's racist shit! Amanda says she was trying to do Aryan a favor. Aryan says, "What you're doing right now, that's trying to help me?" Exasperated, Amanda replies, "Absolutely!" Aryan says it's fucked up what Amanda is doing right now because Aryan hasn't said anything racist. Amanda says that she finds it hard to believe since the entire house has been questioned about Aryan's racism yet she's not a racist. Big Brother then comes over the loud speaker, "You are not allowed to talk about your Diary Room sessions," Amanda points in the direction of the voice and laughs.

Aryan sits smugly which obviously doesn't sit well with Amanda. So what does Amanda do? She outs all of their secrets! She tells the room how Aryan has been bitching about what a slut Eyebrows is and how Eyebrows had her vagina on Aryan's swimsuit. She tells them how Aryan said that Eyebrows was coming between her and Jeremy and how she and VaGina don't trust Eyebrows. Amanda ends her assault by telling them how ridiculous their alliance is. She says the point of an alliance is being with people you trust. How can they call themselves an alliance when all they do is talk shit about each other all the time? It was genius and fabulous and I'm SO GLAD Amanda did what she did. Bravo!

So, what did you think of last night? Should Aryan be punished in some way? Will Howard ever confront her? Have you voted yet for Amanda for MVP? Don't forget! Vote 10 times for free online. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The house is in total chaos. The drama is nonstop. What are you waiting for? Start your free trial today!

Sophie's Choice

Firstly, welcome Canada! We wanted you rubbing noses and asses with us from the very beginning. But today, with my maple syrup nipples, I can officially welcome you back to the Big Brother family. That's right bitches, your prayers have been answered. Canada, you can get your Live Feeds now!


And believe me, if there is any season that you want the Live Feeds for, it is this season. It is almost annoyingly great. I say "annoying" because yours truly can never seem to take a day off! My alcohol intake has slowed to nil, my bathtub full of gin has things growing in it and I haven't watched Bravo in like 4 days. Once again, on my planned day off, the house flies into a tailspin so profound that it could change the entire direction of the season.

Here is where we left off - The Moving Company seemed all but unbreakable. Douche after douche after douche crossed their hearts and hoped to die, stick a needle in their eye. Meanwhile, Amanda has been trying to finagle a way to keep Elvira (Elissa) and send a blow to what she suspected was a men's alliance. Spencer and Howard got themselves all worked up over Amanda's efforts and put her on the top of their target list for next week. McCrae reassured the MC that even though Amanda was doing her own thing, McCrae was still onboard to evict Elvira. So, no matter how hard Amanda worked or how many votes for Elvira she managed to get, Elvira was still going home because of McCrae's loyalty to the MC.

And then we saw last night's episode of Big Brother on CBS. As someone who has her eye on the house 18 hours of the day, I am rarely surprised by anything CBS has to show me. Until last night. Last night we were privy to a chink in the MC armor. It appears that the other members of the MC (save Spencer) aren't exactly thrilled with the idea of Asshat (Jeremy) bossing them around and giving them orders. Whatever Asshat says, goes, making the other members of the MC resentful. It was an interesting edit that is clearly laying down the foundation for the MC to crumble... perhaps tonight.

For all of you CBS-only viewers out there, here is another thing you should know - Elvira is rarely on the live feeds. So while she may have dominated last night's episode, I've seen her exactly once this week when she almost took a dump on the Have-Not floor. Overall, she is an incredibly boring houseguest. I rarely get to write about her because she is simply never around.

BUT, and this is a big but, I loathe Jeremy and his meaty cohorts so goddamn much that all week I've been struggling over whether or not I want Elvira to stay in the game. Yesterday, I wanted her gone. Today, I want her to stay. I've weighed the pros and cons over and over again and it all comes down to longevity for me. You see, I like Amanda and McCrae. I like them a lot and there is no way in hell I want Amanda in danger next week. In order for her to be safe, I'm going to need Elvira to stick around a little longer. Losing Nick really isn't going to bother me or impact anyone other than VaGina (Ginamarie) which, let's face it, will be AWESOME. Nick is another one of those Houseguests that you rarely see. He sleeps a lot and seems to be playing by the Dan Gheesling principle of being invisible. I hate that!

The Pros to keeping Elvira are as follows:
1) Asshat will throw an enormous hissy fit.
2) Spencer will tinkle in his pants.
3) VaGina will lose her ever-loving mind.
4) Eyebrows (Kaitlin) will probably cry.
5) Amanda will be much safer.
6) McCrae will have finally left that godawful alliance.
7) The MC's dreams of being the most famous alliance in BB history are CRUSHED.

The Cons to keeping Elvira are as follows:
1) THE MVP IS SO UNFAIR!!!
2) The Brenchel army.
3) Hnmm Mnmm
4) People like Candice and Helen could stay in the game longer than they should.
5) McCrae becomes the number one target of the remaining MC's.

So, if I add all of this up - and even though I HATE the idea of Elvira winning MVP every week - I think I would like Nick to get evicted tonight. If I think long term... if I propel myself forward to August and imagine a house filled with douches slapping each other on the backs... if I picture that nightmare, I have no choice but to, reluctantly, hope Elvira is safe.

Now, some of you might be saying to yourselves, "But Lala, McCrae will never leave the MC!" Yesterday, I would have agreed with you. Today, not so much. You see, it looks like the young curly fop might be officially jumping ship. Amanda spent the day rustling up votes for Elvira and uncovering dirt on the men's alliance. She was also called into the Diary Room repeatedly which makes me think that the DR was telling her not to give up. And after what I saw last night on CBS, I have a sneaking suspicion that the DR may be gently nudging McCrae out of the MC. I loathe DR interference as much as the next person, but I also really really really want to see Asshat go insane. It's Sophie's Choice! The inner conflict, morality at war with instinct, teeter totter, this way or that, the angel and the devil... oh god, it's delicious.

And so, in summation, as of right now there are 5 votes to evict Elvira (Asshat, Spencer, Howard, Eyebrows, VaGina) and there are 5 votes to evict Nick (Amanda, Candice, J-U-DD, Andy, Jessie). The lone undecided vote is McRae. Will he stay loyal to the MC and eventually lose the game to a jerk like Asshat or Spencer? Or will he leave the MC for good and join his woman in an all out war against the men? I don't know! No one knows! And, don't you love it?! I can't ever remember going into a live eviction show where I was absolutely clueless.

So, what do you think McRae will do? Will he grow a sack and leave the MC? Would you rather see Elvira or Nick evicted? Does the inner turmoil tickle your nether regions? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Blonde Girl Problems

Life as a blonde woman is chock full of problems. I should know. I am one of this often looked over minority. While we may look like Nordic princesses on the outside with our light eyes and fair skin, no one knows the true pain of our daily lives, the pain that follows you the world over. Walking down the street in Madrid, Spaniards point and shout "Rubia! Rubia!" In Rome, men flock to me in circles three deep begging to buy me a gelato. Gelato isn't on my diet! Even here, in my own country, no one can understand the heartache that comes with getting self-tanner on your cream colored bathmats. And the extra expenditures that I have to endure on a monthly basis... I'm sure one of those welfare inner city people could totally never afford it. Root touch-up's, eyebrow pencils and sunscreen aren't handed out by the government you know. So while some not-blonde women are getting free cheese every week, I have to waste 30 minutes at the M.A.C. counter arguing with Tatiana over whether "Fling" or "Lingering" is the better color brow definer for me. Tatiana is such a bitch, I'll have you know. And while summer is inherently my season and I may look at home lying by the pool in my bikini, I am constantly at war with myself. What if I freckle? What if my scalp burns? I want to go swimming, but the chlorine... the chlorine! *weeps* Green pool hair is a flaxen girl's shame to wear three months out of the year. If only people took the time to understand our daily struggles, they might not be so quick to judge and shout slurs like "Barbie!" when we walk by. Let's recap, shall we?

Wednesday is usually my day off, but a conversation went down yesterday that I feel is important to touch on. It is the conversation that everyone has been waiting for. The fans have addressed it, CBS has addressed it, but the Houseguests themselves haven't addressed it... until now.

After weeks of racial slurs, awkward jokes and general all-around horrible behavior, Amanda has taken it upon herself to confront Aryan on the things that she has been saying in the house. Amanda didn't have to do it. No one told her to do it. And nothing yesterday precipitated it. She was very non-confrontational and approached it as a friend giving another friend advice. In the house, the two aren't besties, but they're trying to work together in a foursome alliance that includes, Asshat (Jeremy), Aryan, McCrae and Amanda.

When approaching a friend about delicate matters like bad breath, body odor, how fat they look in those capris or the extremely inappropriate racial slurs they've been spewing, it is important to be gentle and nonabrasive. Amanda did just that. Let's face it, it's not easy for anyone to say to someone else, "Hey bitch, you left your Klan hood on my bed last night." It is an incredibly awkward situation for everyone involved, but Amanda is worried that the comments could affect both her and her alliance's safety in the house.

Amanda: "I want to tell you something that might upset you a little bit. I want to tell you so that you're mindful of it."
*pause*
Amanda: "I think you're joking every time there's any sort of like racial thing comes out of your mouth. Like, I do the same thing. But I think it's, I think the people who are a different race are taking it offensively. Like there was a conversation downstairs with like Howard, Candice and umm Helen and... who else was down there? There was a couple other people down there. There was some fish comment made and I don't think you meant it racist at all, but I don't think they know that. I don't think they know you're joking. So umm, just like, and that's what I said downstairs too, 'I think she was just joking.' You know what I mean? I don't think it was malicious."
Aryan: "The fish..." *scoffs*
Amanda: "People look for any sort of excuse to villainize you. Just like, just like, be careful."
Aryan: "Who was down there though?"
Amanda: "I don't know. I like walked in on that conversation. And this is not to like start shit. If you make comments like that, just be mindful that they're not taking it as a joke."
Aryan: "I don't even know what I said that they would think that."
Amanda: "I don't know. I wasn't even here when you said it, but you made some sort of segregated comment about the fish up here or something that like..."
Aryan: "Well, they are."
Amanda: "Yeah but like you said the black fish should get at the bottom where they belong or something like that."
Aryan: "No, that's not what I said. I said the black fish stay on the bottom because they're camouflaged on the bottom and that's where they hand out the welfare checks and the white fish stay higher because there's light and it's closer to God."
Amanda: "Just be mindful of it."
Aryan: "Who started that conversation?"
Amanda: "I don't know. It doesn't matter who started it. I just want you to know and be more mindful of it. I know you're not a racist person. This is just from a friend to a friend."
Aryan: "That is the most annoying obnoxious thing I've ever heard. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't feel like I need to pull someone up here to say something."
Amanda: "Just be mindful of it. Candice was saying it had malicious intent."
Aryan: "Candice is the one starting it! And when you said you never heard of the phrase 'Jewed over' that immediately put it in my head so now I'm saying it all the time. That's your fault!"
Amanda: "Uh huh."
Aryan: "When you're blonde and blue eyes, people will make a big deal out of everything. Candice is obviously insecure."
*Aryan stretches*
Aryan: "I just woke up. I don't want to talk about this anymore. There's nothing I can do anyways until I get back home and am able to burn crosses in peace. God, this is so annoying!"

Maybe I paraphrased some parts, but that is pretty much the gist of it. Bravo to Amanda for trying. I'm not sure I would have had the balls to say something.

But the real kicker of it all of this is that while Amanda was trying to warn her friend from becoming a target, her so-called friend and alliance mate is now using it against her saying that Amanda is starting shit. Rumors began to fly through the house about a "Minority Alliance" which Aryan then blamed all on Amanda. Even Howard is angry about it.

Aryan is a selfish little pig who takes any form of constructive criticism as a personal attack. I'd like to send her a message though. The only message that someone like her can understand. I want to make Amanda MVP this week after Elvira (Elissa) leaves. Lord knows, the girl deserves it. She went into the danger zone and emerged alive. She's in big trouble though next week and it would be pretty shitty for her to get booted out after she put herself out on the line like that. Let's make it happen, bitches!

So, what did you think of the conversation? Have you ever met anyone as selfish as Aryan? If I started a "Save The Blondes" fund, would you donate to it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Hate All, Trust Even Less

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