Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
This one features Sporty Jeff kicking back and dreaming of all you ladies (and men). He's making love to every single one of you in his mind.
There's nothing like a tan man with a gold chain nestled in between in pecs!
And what pecs they are! The more to throw you around the bed with!
The best is yet to come ladies (and men).
He's looking right at you thinking up new sex moves in this one.
Enough with this teasing. Let's get to the money shots!
Ignore the Ass Licker in this one. I told you she was always trying to sneak a peek.
You've all exploded haven't you?
Maybe Jeffy Pooh will loan you his towel to clean up with.
There you go. That's it. Was it good for you? Which one was your favorite?
It was a cold and cloudy day in California. The locusts have ravaged the countryside. Threats of a typhoon loomed over Studio City. Sandstorms blew through downtown Los Angeles. The tiny grains of sand feeling like miniature bullets ... that didn't happen either, did it? Ughhh. I don't even know where to begin.
Lydia went home and I'm not happy. That stupid roley poley cunt Jordan didn't use the veto and now she's dead to me. I will give her credit for winning POV. She did very well in that competition, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd like to see her go into a Diabetic coma from too much cookie dough. I would LOVE for Russell to win HOH next week and put Jeff and Jordan on the block with Jordan going home. Who the hell keeps a strong physical threat in the game this close to the end? Kevin and Natalie can't win anything physical! Sure, I'm rooting for Kevin and Natalie BUT Russell has said he knows he can't win against Jeff or Jordan. If I was Jeff or Jordan that would be a HUGE red flag that I need to eliminate this person from the game. I truly believe they fucked up big time last night. They've both already ganged up on Russell and we know Russell doesn't forget a damn thing. You look at him wrong and he'll use it to get you out the next week. Jeff and Jordan may be sitting pretty this week, but I think next week will be their demise. Jeff won't be able to play in HOH and Jordan won't win it unless Jeff throws it to her.
So yes, if you haven't heard, Jeff won HOH and I shoved a fire place poker in my eye. It's still there. I didn't bother to pull it out. I mean, why bother? Jordan is safe another week and I really have no reason to see out of two eyes. I'll just sit here and get tetanus and begin to decay and smell of gangrene. I'm the worst loser. I admit it. I kick and scream and throw tantrums and that's what makes me so damn lovable. The feeds were also major fuckers last night. I think the feed master is a Kevin fan and took it out on us feed watchers. We only saw maybe 30 seconds of the competition and I managed to get the screenshot above and I have no other footage than that. From what I can gather Kevin lost by 1 can. 1 CAN! *weeps uncontrollably*
The chat hags went into a simultaneous hot flash and all they could type was "WOOHOO!" over and over and over again. I was forced to pull out my menopausal chat hag voodoo dolls and curse them all with shingles and rickets. I threw in a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome just for kicks. I want those bitches on the toilet and itching. For a week I'll be forced to listen to... "Jeff and Jordan are so cute!", "He loves her so much!", "Jordan is so precious. I wish I had a daughter like her.", "Isn't Jordan so cute? You have to love her!" No, I don't have to love her. I hate her. She gives public schools a bad name. Yesterday before the live show she was playing a game with Jeff and she didn't know what the Louvre was! How can you not know what the Louvre is? How is this not common knowledge? She couldn't guess that a light bulb was something you screw in (she said nails) and she's just so fucking STUPID! I can't deal with it anymore. Seriously, she drives me crazy. I'm going to be brutal with her. Prepare yourselves.
After the HOH, we learned that Michele and Russell are now Have-Not's. I have no idea why or how that fit into the HOH, but they are and they can both suck it as far as I'm concerned. Natalie and Kevin keep to themselves and they started stealth whispering making it impossible to hear anything. Natalie says she'll lay low until ater the nominations and not make a fuss. My first thought was, "Ragamuffin think of a lie... quick!" Her super lying powers are desperately needed right now. It's so easy to convince Jeff that something is amiss and Jordan is already suspicious of Russell and Michele. Ragamuffin needs to pull something great out of her ass and put it into motion. You can do it Ragamuffin. I have faith in you.
Kevin and Natalie plan on approaching Jeff and Jordan to pitch a Final 4 deal. They would be IDOTS not to take it. Russell and Michele are good in competitions. Kevin and Natalie are crap. Jeff could easily dominate them and sail into the Final 2. If he keeps Russell and Michele, he's got an intense uphill battle ahead of him. It is in his best interest to team up with Kevin and Natalie. If he doesn't team up with them, then I hope Russell and Michele evict his ass (and his tubby little sidekick too) and Russ wins the whole damn game. This is such a nondecision in my eyes. It's just common sense to take the weak through to the final endurance comp. Jeff taking Michele and Russell all the way to the final endurance comp will be the biggest mistake of his life. Mark my words.
We ended up waiting FOREVER for Jeff to get his HOH room. I imagine Big Brother had quite a task cleaning up after Jordan. There were probably chocolate chips embedded in the carpet, crumbs in the bed, cookie dough finger prints all over the frames, cheetoh cheesey handprints on the walls, and whipped cream lining the bathtub. They had to use an army of cleaning ladies to make the room sanitary enough to prevent the cockroaches from settling in.
Jeff finally gets his room and it's just sweet I guess. It's so obvious Big Brother favors him. He got Dolce & Gabbana cologne, Axe body spray, deodorant (are they trying to give him a hint?), his cross from home that he didn't really want cuz he didn't want to lose it, drawings from his nieces, some weird pickled vegetable thing that might be called Jordenair or something like that, vitamin water, cheese, vodka sauce, pasta, wine, COOKIE DOUGH, a fishing hat, some scarves his grandma knitted for him, holy water ("The power of Christ compels you!"), and Bob Marley's Legend CD. Jeff thinks all the deodorant stuff is really for Jordon. Apparently, Jordan has a little issue with body odor. I knew it. She's always sniffing her pits. It's disgusting. Jeff told her she was smelling ripe the other day. LMAO. She needs the power of a man's deodorant I guess. Ok, ummm, holy water? What the fuck? I'm going to have to look up EXORCIST quotes all week because that's just too good to pass up.
Jeff's letter was super short and sounded like it was written to a 12 year old boy. His family is very proud of him and they tell him to stay strong. They gather together every week to watch him on CBS and when they watch him it reminds them of when they would watch him play football. They tell him he's a winner and that someone he knows pooped out a kid. The end. Jeff says that if the letter was any longer he would have cried.
Jordan then goes on and on about how Jeff now looks nothing like Jeff in the pictures. He's lost a little weight and Jordan won't shut the fuck up about it. She can't believe the Jeff in the photos is really him. She thinks he has an evil twin. It really begins to border on rude and I'm not the only one who thought that. Jeff told her to cut it out and you can tell he became a little self conscious. It was at that moment that I envisioned Jordan at a Jeff family function. She'd say moronic stupid things and embarrass Jeff in front of all his friends and family. I think he cares for her, but I really don't see any strong future romantic relationship coming out of this. He likes her and all that, but I think the fact that she's an idiot really bugs him. When they were playing their games earlier it's obvious Jeff went backpacking across Europe after college (so did I!). He's world traveled and can appreciate everything that new places and cultures have to offer. Jordan is nowhere near him mentally and coudn't appreciate the Mona Lisa if it sat on her face. Maybe they'll date for a little bit, but it will not go anywhere beyond that. Jeff needs someone to inspire him and Jordan isn't the least bit inspirational.
Here's the clip (Thanks Shea!). Please to enjoy:
After the HOH reveal Michele is all up on Jeff's jock. She's totally in love with him. Sure, she's worried about her safety but I think the Ass Licker has definitely had a Jeff fantasy or two. She keeps telling him how cute he is in his pictures, but how he's MUCH cuter now. You can tell Jeff just thinks she's weird and mumbles out a thanks.
Natalie spends the rest of the night trashing Lydia and thanking Jeff and Jordan for keeping her. She's tells them that she's loyal, but she knows eventually she'll have to duke it out with them. Outside Michele talks about how much she smells. Ewww. What the hell is up with all these bitches having odor issues? This is such a pet peeve of mine. I once broke up with someone because they stank. I met this person in late winter and come summer time I was history. I didn't have the balls to tell them they stank so I cheated on them instead and made sure to get caught. I thought it was too rude to tell someone to their face that they had odor issues and in my twisted mind cheating was an easier way out. LMAO. I'm such a bitch. I know it. I own it. So yeah Michele stinks and even says at one point last night, "It smells like ass over here... yesss!" (thank you NCSoxFan79!)
There wasn't too much game talk last night, but Kevin did ask Jeff if he was going to be nominated. Jeff told him he has big plans for his nominations. Oh dear god... please Jeff, please do what Lala wants you to do. I promise I'll be semi nice to Jordan if you nominate Michele and Russ. Jeff tells him that he wants everyone to come up to the HOH and talk to him. Jordan tells Kevin how Russell keeps bringing up the fact the he won money as a reason for him to go home. Natlalie chimes in saying that Russell has won the exact same amount of money as Kevin.
Later Russ tells Michele what a kiss ass Natalie is and Michele immediately runs to the HOH to tell Jeff that Russell is scared of going on the block. Jeff tells her to shut up. She leaves after kissing his ass some more and goes back down to Russell to report everything. Russell is super paranoid and my no-no began to slightly tingle. The Leprechaun Protection Services have returned Mr. O'Shaughnessy on the condition that I don't punch him anymore so I've chained him up outside next to a bowl of water. He should be fine. It's only going to be 95 degrees today. His little wool suit won't be too bothersome for him.
The night ends with Jeff and Jordan in the HOH. Jeff is going to need that holy water because he tells Jordan that he's nominating Natalie and Kevin. He'll entertain the idea of backdooring Russell, but POV is going to be very important. Jordan tells him that she'll quit the POV if it has anything to do with riddles. Jeff gets pissed off saying he hates losers and does she want to get to the Final 2 or not? He's banking on her and he needs her to try and not give up. He hates negativity and says he never wants to hear her talking like that again. Then he smacks her around and kicks her out of the room. Ok so maybe I made up that last part. These two are just sooooooooooo boring. Lord knows how I'm going to make this week funny.
Well I'm ending this here. I've got somewhere to be and I'm just getting more angry the more I type. I know I promised you guys a Jeff photo gallery and you'll be getting it today. I'm sick of having his stupid pictures on my computer so this afternoon I'll give all you ladies (and men) lots of masturbation material. The guy does nothing for me, but you all can knock yourselves out and have some fun naughty time.
I'm still waiting on the HOH reveal footage and as soon I get it, I'll send out a tweet.
Have a good day everyone! Death to Jeff and Jordan!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
(CONFRONTATION CLIPS HAVE BEEN ADDED!)
Yesterday was a day of ups and downs, as well as, mania and depression. To call the house bipolar is an understatement. I, too, had my own highs and lows cheering the HG's on and then mentally stabbing them with a steak knife. There's nothing worse than getting your hopes up and then having them all dashed by an indecisive inhaler of cookie dough. The victim: an innocent pink haired emotionally inept superhero. Let's recap, shall we?
Jeff continues to yell at Michele and Michele blames everything on the stress of being in the house and not being able to sleep. Jeff says, "Oh come on Michele! This doesn't make you look good!" I then decide that 2 hits of ecstacy should be sufficient... and I pour myself another glass of wine. I rip my pants off and dance around the room naked while Mr. O'Shaugnessy plays his bagpipe. You haven't lived until you've heard Mr. O'Shaughnessy play Olivia Newton John's Greatest Hits on a bagpipe.
I check back in on the feeds and see that Jeff is still yelling at Michele and I'm at peace. He's telling her that she hasn't told him anything that Russell hasn't already admitted to. She mistakenly told Jeff that Russ wanted him out next week when in fact Russ was talking about the final four. Now, I'm not sure if that's true. My head can only keep so many millions of useless facts straight, but who cares? Michele is geting attacked and looking like a fool and I'm feeling groovy.
I lie back enjoying the sweet smelling fumes of the opium. A lazy smile is on my face and I'm just about to close my eyes and ride my own melt when it happens.... THOSE BITCHES IN THE BACKYARD ARE HUGGING AND SMILING! What?!? What in the name of all that is holy is going on here? Why are Russ and Jeff hugging and laughing? Why is Michele not on the verge of tears anymore? Oh my god.... I. Hate. These. Bitches.
They've actually managed to squash everything and they all swear on their family members that they'll go to the final four together. *smashes wine glass on the floor and kicks Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the groin* What the fuck? Jeff and Jordan are way too forgiving. Whatever happened to holding a grudge? Someone cuts me off in traffic and I curse their families and wish they get scabies. Doesn't everyone else think like that? You don't go around forgiving people willy nilly. That's just silly.
Michele bitches a little more about being mad at Russell and I really want to kick her head for, you know, existing. Jeff tells Jordan not to tell the other side of the house that they've resolved things. And then it happens. They all agree to evict Crazy Town. Lydia is now their target. What in the goddamn fuckery is this all about? Apparently, she's hard to control, tight with Kevin, and wants to leave anyways. But but but... those aren't good reasons! At this point my head is exploding and Mr. O'Shaugnessy is dead. Russell eventually goes inside and Jeff turns to Michele and says, "Our final 3 deal still stands." Oh go fall of a cliff Jeff. I hate you and your goodness.
Here are the clips of whole fuckery. It's so long it's in 2 parts. Please to enjoy:
I spend the rest of the night pouting and breaking things. BB is in a celebratory mood (their precious Russell is safe) so they give the HG's a badminton set and a tie dye kit. Lydia hijacks the tie dye and turns into a bossy 3 year old. She's loud and telling everyone what to do and with the help of the astute tweeter Cfahooligan I realize she's deep in the throes of mania. What everyone witnessed last night in Lydia was an honest to goodness manic attack. She wasn't acting like a brat on purpose. She couldn't help it. Did BB forget to give her her lithium or something? Her mood swings are scary obvious. Just look for her to yell out completely inapproporiate things and you know she's gone manic.
At one point Lydia and Natalie are half joking around about Jessie and Lydia says, "At least we know I can make him cum with my hands." LOL I laughed, but everyone else was horrified. She got her baby voice on and wouldn't let anyone else touch the tie dye until they did what she said. How can anyone evict someone so deranged? She's fun for me. She entertains me. Don't let them take you away Lydia! I'm completely confused as to who to root for to win the POV tonight. I don't want Kevin to go and I think Natalie kind of deserves to be there at this point. That just leaves my precious Lydia. I'll miss you Crazy Town. I defended you when no one else would. I stood up for you when people called you a slut. I cheered you on week after week much to the dismay of my readers. I will miss you lovely Lydia. You brought me such joy. I bid you adieu. Be well and prosper. Go have fun with Jessie. I weep a single solitary tear for you like Demi Moore in GHOST. We'll talk movies and music when you get into the real world. Tweet me bitch! *waves goodbye*
Not sad enough not to give a special shout out to Shirley from Reebok! Shirley, my dear, don't be jealous of your sister's fabulosity. You too can be fabulous if you really really want to! I have just blessed you with my fabulicious wand and I want you to go forth and have a great birthday weekend. Thanks for your support! Much love, Lala
I just checked out onlinebigbrother.com (my favorite go to update site) and there were some mini rumblings late last night about backdooring Russell. Now, I don't know if it will amount to anything, but I've given Mr. O'Shaugnessy CPR and we'll be waiting patiently to see if anything happens. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
This brings me to Jordan's dumb thought of the day. Jordan had no idea what the World Trade Center was prior to 9/11. When she heard the planes crashed into it she wondered if there was a World Trade Center in Charlotte too. She was very knowledgable about the fact that the Mormon chick from the Real World slept through her alarm and missed her flight which was one of the flights that hit the WTC. I have one thing to say to Jordan: Turn off the MTV and pick up a book you idiot. It's scary how stupid you are. I really don't know how you function day to day with that limited amount of knowledge in your head.
Michele is living up to all the accusations she's received. People don't just randomly call someone crazy. I imagine being in that house with her, having to listen to her and witness her fidgeting up close would be a terribly traumatic experience for anyone. It's no surprise to me that every single person in that house thinks she's off her rocker. What really tweaks my nipples though is that all of the chat hags, who used to LOVE Michele, now can't stand her. She's talking bad about Jeff and that's all it takes to makes an army of menopausal enemies. Michele is obsessing over Jeff probably thinking he wants to shoot her or some shit like that so she asks him for a conference in the HOH.
Interestingly enough, the HG's were able to leave Jessie goodbye messages and from the sound of it, Lydia's wasn't very nice. She said something about sarcastically hoping Dae Yum Yum was keeping him company and that she's pissed he lied to her. Natalie's wasn't very loving either. The Manbeast has lost his harem I guess.
When Kevin sees Jeff in his goggles, he falls in love. He tells Jeff that he looks like a true superhero and Lydia says, "Gee thanks Kevin."
Upstairs Jordan is in her own personal female hell. She's miserable and snapping Jeff's head off whenever she can. Jordan is paranoid about Russell and scared to death about having to think on her feet and make a quick decision on Thursday. She doesn't know what to do or how people are going to vote. Her cramps feel like someone is taking an egg beater to her insides... oh wait, that could be what I'm thinking. Anyhow, Jeff tells her she's not thinking clearly and she's super crabby right now. Jeff reprimands her for bonding too much the Ragamuffin and Crazy Town. Jordan says she just hates Russell right now. She thinks he's coming after her and Jeff next week and she just wants to avoid him at all costs. Jeff tells her that Russell asked him why Jordan was being so weird. Jordan says, "Really?" Jeff tells her that he blamed it on her period and that Jordan should blame everything on her period too.
Mel, thank you. I'm all about girl crushes. Hot.