Friday, August 10, 2012

Trundle Onward

The wicked sea hag is safely nestled on the ocean's floor and now the Poop Ship Lollipop can continue to circumnavigate the world all on its own. Today, it's a little lighter and a little more buoyant (collagen sinks I'll have you know). Our brave seafaring Houseguests must journey onward through space and time like the reality show people of yore. Safely strapped into their predetermined character cocoons, our intrepid contestants will try to break free and become butterflies. They'll try, but they won't succeed. Covered in goo and Janelle's left over viscera, their fingers and toes will spread creating thin transparent webs. Tiny threadlike fibers keeping them all snug and warm. There is no escape Houseguests. Trundle onward. Shuffle sheepishly. Galumph through with your rusty gaits. We'll all be watching. I mean, I guess we'll be watching. It's not like we have anything else to do. Let's recap, shall we?

(Apologies for lack of screencaps today. I watched most of this while tucked into bed and was far too lazy to rewatch it all again this morning.)

The house is finally free of Janelle and the universe is now free of cat ladies as well. Plop, plop, plop they went crashing onto the cement landings in front of their garden apartment buildings. I'm so sorry Mittens. She definitely should have left you behind instead of taking you with her. That's the cruelty of menopause though, my feline friend.

So! So Janelle is gone and, predictably, Frank is our new HOH. Personally, I was hoping for an Ashley, Jenn, or Wil win. These Silent Six outsiders who call themselves "Tits" are kind of all I have now. They're the least offensive, the least nauseating, and definitely the least insane in the membrane. *waves to Danielle* They would have gone after the Coaches and, as you all know, that's all I've ever wanted since the beginning of time - the Coaches out! Unfortunately for us, Wil choked, Ashley crawled inside of a fog, and Jenn was out before she knew what hit her.

The CBS show ends and the Live Feeds turn on. The mood is morose. Silent. Depressing. Oh sure, everyone is milling about and pretending to care what one another thinks about whatever it is they're all talking about, but there is a misty sadness enveloping everyone. They stare distantly into their drinks or at the walls. Only Frank and Boogie are all smiles with springs in their steps. One man, however, one lone man is more than depressed. He is positively overwrought and his name is Joe.

Hairy french fry face Joe mashes his lips together into a thin line and begins to transfer his personal items (french fry comber, Ed Hardy t-shirts, unused hand soap) into the Foot Room. During his move, Ian trots in on his toes and bellows, "Hey Joe! What's up?" Joe gives him the side eye (and side boob) and grunts in response. With his head down, he barrels out of the Have Not Room to resume pacing in peace and quiet over in the Foot Room. And pace he does. Back and forth, back and forth, wearing the carpet fibers thin beneath his feet. His skin begins to pulsate and his ears begin to itch. The redness rises in his face and he looks to be on the verge of cardiac arrest. You know when you see one of those tomato colored fat people? The ones that you know take pills for high blood pressure and flirt daily with Type 2 Diabetes? They always sort of look like they'll spontaneously combust at any moment. Well, that was Joe last night. Pacing, sweating, sipping iced tea. The pressure of his blood banging wildly against his skin begging to be set free while his heart wheezed a faint giddyup. He's been like this before if you'll recall - when he was on the block and when he was a Have Not. Since both are likely to happen again this week, I hope Big Brother has a defibrillator in the wings.

Eventually, Joe stops his pacing and retreats to the safety of a dirty bed. Seriously, someone else has been sleeping on that thing. Probably Frank which means it is now covered in stinky dead skin and mites. Blech.

Back out in the Dining Area Danielle is a silent boiling bowl of pudding. Never before has a Houseguest conveyed so much without uttering a single word. With eyebrows like the Dothraki, Danielle sits and stares at the wall. She argues with it inside her head... Why isn't Shane rubbing my back? No! Don't tell me we're not lying down. I know we're not lying down! He can still rub my back! What if he rubs Frank's back this week? Oh my god, Wall, what if Shane sleeps on Frank's floor? Don't tell me to calm down. I will NOT calm down! I've got a hammer and a nail in my make-up bag and I swear to god I'll use it!!! So yeah, that was Danielle's reaction to Frank's win.

Frank, however, did his pigeon-toed curly peacock thing he does whenever he's proud of himself. With big toes kissing he walks to and fro goofily grinning at the house around him. He chirps happily about this and that, but you know that deep down inside he's thinking, "Daaaaaamn, I'm good." And since I brought this up now, I guess we should talk about it. I want to touch briefly on how when Frank is happy he turns simple little non intrusive one syllable words into nauseatingly probing four syllable words. It makes me insane! For example, "Nice" becomes "Niiii-ii-iiii-iiice." And "Damn" becomes "Da-aaay-aaaa-uuum." Pay attention to him the next time he's happy (which will be like all week) and tell me you don't notice this unbearable stretching of the English language.

I guess we'll stick with Frank for a little longer. It's hard not to. He's all sweaty and sticky from breathing that it's hard to tear yourself away from him. So Frank gets his HOH room... again. Inside is a letter from Nana, Fruity Pebbles, a jump rope, and lots of weird flavored nuts. The Houseguests ooh and ahh but they don't mean it. Not one of them means it. Sad clown Danielle looks around the room and is already missing the one week she had of everyone finally kissing her ass, Britney pretends to read the nuts labels, and Dan plops himself down with headphones on his ears trying to block out the general chitchat. I get it Dan. I get do. "Niii-iii-iii-iiiiice Nana. Daaa-aaaay-aaaa-ummm nuts."

One by one the Houseguests make their escape from the HOH. Everyone except Britney and Dan and Ian which tells me that these are the three most worried about how this week will go. The plan for the week is to get rid of Joe, but in order to do that they need to put up a pawn beside him. Frank wonders if Shane would volunteer to be that pawn. It is their best chance of making sure that Joe doesn't win the POV and takes himself off the block. Although, Shane has a Veto Ticket so he'll be playing in the POV anyways this week. Another option is to put up Wil and Joe. Everyone is super sketchy about Wil, but Frank doesn't want to piss him off too much in case he wins HOH next week. He doesn't want Wil thinking he's after him or something by nominating him this week. While we still don't know who our two nominees will be, it looks like the target is definitely Joe which seems sort of silly to me. Joe will NEVER win this game. Why not shake things up and go after Dan or something?

Well, I'll tell you why they don't go after Dan. Apparently there is an alliance of FOUR within the Silent Six. That four is Boogie, Frank, Danielle, and Dan. Boogie is very happy with the Four and thinks they'll dominate until the very end. The only problem is that they really haven't told Danielle about the Four. Boogie worries about her loyalty to Shane. Little does he know, her real loyalty is to Britney (that whole two girls in the finals thing). Dan sighs when he hears Danielle's name. He tells the room how difficult it is to Coach and work with girls as opposed to men. He tells Boogie how when he'd coach Kara, Danielle would get jealous and when he'd coach Danielle, Kara would get nervous. Boogie mutters, "Jesus Christ." Dan nods and says it was never like that playing with Memphis.

Speaking of cuckoo for cocoa puffs Danielle, she's laying in bed with Britney down in the Foot Room still fretting over Janelle. You see, Danielle used to be anorexic (rrrright) so when Janelle says things about her being fat, it's like she's switching on Danielle's anorexia switch. It's the sort of anorexia that inhales Twizzlers and CheezIt's, but it's anorexia dammit! Britney tells her that she can't keep letting one comment bother her so much. Danielle sighs and whispers, "I've gained so much weight." That must be her anorexia flaring up again. Like her sciatica and her anal polyps and her hip dysplasia and her distemper and heartworm. Oh poor Danielle! Poor poor Danielle.

Danielle then does what she does best. Whenever she is finished discussing her weight issues she's all ready to discuss her Shane issues. Her newest thing is to go back and forth between being annoyed with Shane to planning her wedding to him. Right now, this very second, she's annoyed again. Britney has heard it all before of course and tells Danielle that in the game Shane is a nice guy, but outside of the house he's probably extremely douchey. Applause Britney, because you're actually right about this one. Shane is a douche. Some even call him a "Puka Douche."

Back up in the HOH, Dan is still refusing to leave Frank's side and, much like Danielle's anorexia, his creepy obsession with Dr. Will is flaring up. Have I talked about this here before? Dan is a pretty boring down to earth guy, but he is overwhelmingly, bordering on psychotically, obsessed with Dr. Will. Any chance he gets to bring up Will Kirby, ask about Will Kirby, or discuss Will Kirby, he will. And tonight is no exception. He asks Boogie how he thinks Dr. Will will react when he sees how he voted to evict Janelle (remember, Boogie gave a shout out to Will and Erin). Boogie says he thinks Dr. Will, and especially Erin, will get a kick out of it. For a whole summer CBS made it look like Will and Janelle were banging each other yet Erin stood by him and now they have a family together. It was Boogie's way of giving Erin a high five and dissing Janelle all at once. Dan looks pleased with Boogie's answer and makes a mental note to have his wife change her name to Erin when he gets home.

And that's that. It wasn't a very exciting night and everyone went to bed much earlier than usual. So what do you think of Frank as HOH? Should he waste his week in power getting out Joe? Who would you like to see go home instead? Will Danielle start talking to the chairs today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

One more thing, I'm going out of town tomorrow for a week of work/vacation. I'll try to blog when I can, but please understand that if I don't I'm lounging lazily by the pool double fisting daiquiris. Why drink one when you can drink two?! Everything should be normal for the Big Brother Gossip Show on Saturday so be sure to catch that if you can. Later bitches!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sold Under The Bus

 It may have taken 200 days and many many moon cycles, but the Revolution is finally here... kind of. It's not exactly the gun toting merry band of defiant Newbies that I was hoping for, but it'll do. It'll do for now. Our current revolutionaries are more of a sewing circle than the Sandinistas, but, hey, I'll take what I can get. As long as they are wielding their axes and chipping away at the ankles of that blonde Amazon sea hag with the barnacle lips, I am on board. The Poop Ship Lollipop no longer needs its figurehead. Having such a weight on the hull makes steering this ship successfully almost impossible anyways. So off with its head! Off with its ankles! Down, down, into the choppy sea it crashes. *Splash!* Down into the murky black waters it sinks to its final resting place amongst the crab people. There, she'll sit and she'll stare. With wild blonde hair billowing in the salty bath she can now call home, her paint will chip and she'll become someone we once knew. Someone we vaguely remember. Someone who is no more. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with a twang. Two twangs actually. It's Danielle and Wil and they are as snug as two bugs in the HOH bed. Danielle whispers to Wil that she's taking him off the block today. She warns him not to tell anyone about it because the last thing Danielle wants is Janelle catching wind of the plan to oust her before the POV Ceremony takes place. Wil nods and agrees. He tells Danielle that he thinks he already has the votes to get rid of Janelle. Plus, he promises not to nominate Dan or Danielle next week if he wins HOH.

Danielle lies back and looks up at the ceiling. She finally has a man in her bed and she's oh so proud of herself. Feeling those ooey gooey "happy to be me!" feelings, she sighs and muses, "This will be amazing. Janelle has never been backdoored before." Wil yanks at the pinky finger he got stuck in his weave and agrees. He's so sick of Janelle thinking she's this big power player who can do whatever she wants. He doesn't give a shit if she's a fan favorite. He just wants her gone!

The feeds finally go down and when they return it's a glitter tinkling sparklefest. Danielle has removed Wil from the block and has nominated Janelle for eviction. Viva la revolucion!

The best part about it all is that Janelle had no idea. None! She didn't even bother to put on make-up that morning. She woke up and thought herself, "Eh, I'm safe. Who needs mascara when they're safe?" First off, all girls need mascara. When you forego mascara a dolphin gets punctured. Seriously, right through the heart. So think about that the next time you think au natural is the way to go.

So Janelle is confused, befuddled, discombobulated and all the rest of it. She has no idea where Danielle got this idea to nominate her, but she needs to find out who threw her under the bus. Up in the HOH Janelle meets with Danielle and asks her what the hell is going on. Danielle tells Janelle that she heard that Janelle is going after her. Janelle clutches her pearls and gasps, "Who me?!? I was never going after you Danielle. You're my best good friend. I only want to brush your hair and tell you how thin you are." Alright, so I may have paraphrased, but you get the idea. Danielle responds with, "But you didn't want to work out with me yesterday." That, I am happy to report, was not paraphrased. Janelle replies that she ate too much the night before and went to bed. It has nothing to do with Danielle at all. She just felt too fat to work out.

Danielle then tells Janelle she heard that Janelle had called her a floater. Janelle denies it, "Oh my god, I did not call you a floater! I was just saying in the DR how happy I was to work with you." Danielle apologizes repeatedly and her pudding face begins to soften and melt. Seeing that Danielle is almost on the verge of tears, Janelle goes for the jugular, "I can't believe you nominated me when I'm not going after you." Danielle tells Janelle that she really does like her, it's just that she's heard things around the house. Janelle sighs and insists she's not mad while Danielle continues to apologize over and over again. She tells Janelle she is probably safe anyways, but right now she needs to throw up (pea soup).

Janelle leaves the HOH and Dan heads on in. He takes one look at Danielle and asks her if she's OK. Danielle situates herself in the middle of the HOH bed and plops one of her button eyes back into her pudding head. Dan tells her that she did well on the speech and didn't appear nervous at all. Danielle says, "I'm good at not showing I'm nervous." She says that she was convinced everyone could hear her heart/ceremonial drums beating in her chest during the POV Ceremony. She felt so sick that she wanted to throw up.

Dan changes the subject and asks her what Janelle just said to her. Since we joined the Danielle/Janelle post-POV conversation already in progress, we are actually able to learn about a few things we missed. Apparently, Janelle asked Danielle if Boogie was the one who told her that Janelle was going after her. Danielle insists to Dan that she didn't mention Boogie's name at all or throw him under the bus. She also tells Dan how Janelle said she was saying just yesterday (to Dan) how much she liked Danielle. Then, out of nowhere, Danielle's face begins to contort and tiny clear droplets of acid begin to form in the corners of her eyes. Dan looks at her confused and asks, "Why are you upset?" Danielle replies, "Because I'm a victim and this is what victims do!" Not really.

Meanwhile, down in the Arcade Room, Janelle is sitting with Ashley and Britney in silence. It's an eerie kind of a silence, like something you'd experience before an F5 tornado hit your small country bumpkin town. Ashley stares at a wall, Britney looks down at her hair, and Janelle searches both of them for any sign of betrayal. Janelle finally speaks and tells the girls what Danielle said to her up in the HOH room - that stuff about hearing Janelle was going after her and called her a floater. Ashley lifts her thick hooded eyes with her thumbs and mumbles, "I don't understand." Go back to bed Ashley.

Janelle continues and says that Danielle told her that it wasn't just Frank and Boogie who said Janelle was after Danielle. For the record, I have no idea if this part is true or not. Janelle could be lying in an effort to suss out more traitors. Ashley sighs and says, "I'd like to contribute to the conversations but I always feel excluded. Pineapple!" Janelle ignores her and whispers that she needs five votes to stay.

Britney, on the other hand, has affixed her sad clown face and gets busy picking at her split ends. She says that she won't talk to Danielle again - ever! - unless Danielle wants to talk to her first. Ashley burbles, "But I thought you and Danielle were close?" *giggles* Britney ignores Ashley and the girls get quiet again. Janelle breaks the silence by asking Ashley if she'll vote for her to stay.  Ashley says, "Yes. Moon pies!" Janelle sighs again while stroking her hair and wonders aloud, "I wonder who sold me out..."

Continuing on her mission to find out why the hell she's on the block, Janelle corners Dan in the Storage Room and asks, "What the hell happened Dan?!" Dan shrugs his shoulders and says, "I think it's because you didn't work out with Danielle." He continues by telling Janelle how he tried to get Danielle to think strategically and not personally, but it appears as if Danielle's "girl feelings" are to blame. Janelle says again how she went into the DR and told them - TOLD THEM - how excited she was to be working with Dan, Danielle, and Shane. She crosses her arms over her heaving bosoms and repeats to Dan how she didn't work out with Danielle last night because she ate too much and went to bed. She'll retell this story a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. In fact, there should be an allotted time of day for Janelle to tell her "I feel fat" stories. Maybe we just lock her in a room with Danielle and let them go at it.

"I'm so fat."
"No, you're not. I'm fatter than you."
"Well, you do have fat legs."
"Who said that? Did JoJo say that?"
"I'm too fat to work out."
"Do you really think I have fat legs?"
"My lips are fat... naturally."
Fat, fat, fat.
Oh shut up the both of you. You're both fat. The end.

Janelle continues trying to press Dan for more information, "Who threw me under the bus?" Dan replies that he doesn't know. Janelle asks, "Wil and Joe?" Before Dan can answer (or lie) to her, Janelle blurts out, "I didn't even put on make-up today! I didn't think I was going on the block." Dan shifts uncomfortably and looks at the ground. With more sighs and strokes of her hair, Janelle says, "I'm probably going home. I'll bet Joe and Wil threw me under the bus."

Janelle tells Dan that Danielle totally screwed them. Dan tells her that she still has 3 days to get votes. Janelle moans, "But I'm a Coach." Dan bites on his thumb and asks, "Do you think your team will support you?" Janelle replies, "Probably not because they want the Coaches out." In an effort to lift Janelle's spirits some, Dan tells her that they need to find out how Shane and Britney will vote this week. Janelle thinks that Shane will vote however Danielle wants him to. At the same time she wonders why Shane would want to keep Frank in the game. Dan mumbles, "That's a good point." The conversation ends with Janelle wondering if she can get Joe's vote since Joe hates Frank so much. And off she goes to tackle Joe.

Janelle yanks Joe into the Arcade Room and that weirdo silence falls again. She finally breaks it by asking Joe, "Do you think Wil is behind this?" Without hesitating, Joe replies that he absolutely thinks Wil has something to do with this since he was the one who came off the block. Janelle nods, "Wil sold me out." Joe agrees, "He most certainly did." Janelle says that she can't believe Wil would do that to her. She says she probably won't even ask Wil for his vote because he hates her so much. Furthermore, Janelle is shocked - SHOCKED - that Danielle would believe Wil's lies. Funny, since it wasn't Wil's lies that led to this. One nod from Joe and Janelle is completely convinced that Wil is to blame.

Speaking of Wil, he enters the Arcade Room and immediately says how shocked he was at the POV Ceremony. Janelle nods and says she was never even going after Danielle. Joe chimes in, "I thought I was going up." Wil says he didn't think Danielle would use the POV at all which is why he had fun with his speech. (I'm guessing he did the Queen Latifah monologue.) Janelle nods and tells Wil that his speech was really funny.

Janelle then tells Wil the "too fat to work out" story and thinks it is the reason she's on the block. Janelle sighs repeatedly and says how she can't believe Danielle thinks she's after her. "It should be so obvious who I'm after," she says. (Boogie) Wil huddles in and tells Janelle all of the votes he think he can get for her. By no stretch of the imagination does Wil think that Janelle will go home. (I'm pretty sure he's lying to her.) Wil eventually leaves and Janelle leans over to Joe and says, "Maybe I do have Wil's vote." Joe crinkles up that soggy french fry on his chin and says he think that Wil is lying. He'll try to find out for sure a little later.

Jumping ahead to BBAD we encounter the infamous bathroom scene that everyone was tweeting about this morning. Personally, I thought it was dull and uneventful. Any scene where two insecure girls (Danielle and Janelle) sit and pretend to kiss each other's asses is always dull.
"I don't break out anymore because I'm getting older."
"I have adult acne!"
"Boogie has horrible botox."
"At least your eyes move."
"I get acid poured on my face once a month by my dermatologist."
"You'll never age Janelle."
"Dr. Will injects himself."
"I'm scared of big needles!" (Remember, she's a nurse)
"I've never had fillers in my lips."
"You haven't???"
"Let's get dressed up and drink wine later. We can do make-up."
"OK! But right now I have to poop and I'm poop shy so you have to leave."

That was basically it. Janelle is telling Danielle that she is being used and lied to and then follows it up by wanting to be Danielle's best good friend. Luckily, Danielle isn't falling for it and spent the rest of the night recapping it all for anyone who'll listen. She tells Britney how Janelle is bullying her with threats of leaving her ugly dresses behind for Danielle to wear. Danielle shrieks, "I don't want her stupid dresses!" Britney mumbles, "What a nightmare." And then she goes back to picking her hair. I think she's been hanging out with Wil too much or something.

I'm still catching up on this conversation right now and one interesting thing is standing out to me. Britney mentions to Danielle how if a girl and a guy are sitting at the end together, the girl never wins. Danielle nods knowing where Britney is going with this. Britney says, "I meant to mention this to you later on down the road, but a girl has a better chance of winning if she's up against another girl." Naturally, Britney is referring to the idea of Danielle getting to the end with either Shane or Dan. I get where Britney is coming from and I think I agree with her, but it's just so early. Especially with Danielle. The second Britney refuses to brush Danielle's hair is the second Danielle runs around the house telling everyone that Britney wants Shane and Dan out before the finals. We've still got 12 people in the house, Britney. Patience.

I will end this here for today. So, what do you guys think of Janelle on the block? Will Janelle ever successfully kiss Danielle's ass into submission? How will Dan end up voting? Will BB ever give Janelle enough alcohol between now and Thursday to go batshit crazy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

The 'M' Word

Whether you are on a ship of poop, a ship of fools, or a ship of dreams, there is always the chance that your maritime journey will end in rebellion. Cruise ship dancers, especially, are known to be a cagy bunch. Scuffed tap shoes, sad yellowing costumes, plastic rhinestones shaking loose and hitting the stage one by one... plop, plop, plop. But give them a bad batch of crab salad one night for dinner and you'll hear that word, that 'M' word, whispered in the wee hours of the morn in staff steerage. Mutiny. Mu-ti-ny. It doesn't have to be aboard the Bounty or even on a Carnival Cruise Ship, it can be in that ramshackle joint known as the Big Brother House. I know, I know, you're tinkling yourselves a little right now just entertaining the thought. Rolling the golden nuggets Willie planted oh so long ago around in your brains. Shiny precious subversive nuggets of deliciousness. Can it be? Can it really be Revolution 2.0? Revolucion Part Dos with a peg leg, a pointy chin, and a whiggedy whack sideways baseball cap? Let's find out. Let's recap, shall we?

It is POV day in the Big Brother house and all of the Houseguests are a twitter chirping to one another in last ditch efforts to save their souls. Frank, especially, has some buns to butter. For a guy everyone calls "a beast", he's really not blowing anyone's skirt up with his competition performances. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. Frank is a choker. He chokes when the going gets tough and then consumes himself with, "I should have won that!" after all is said and done. With the POV billowing in the distance, Frank has some groundwork to lay in case things don't end up going his way.

In addition to Danielle and Dan, Frank needs to try to make some headway with Janelle. Sitting with her in the bathroom for a little whisper session, Frank needs to try to convince Janelle that all those times he openly said he wanted her out of the game were simple jokes. Jokes! Little highfalutin funnies. Janelle tells Frank how she heard that he wanted to make her cry last week by surviving the vote. Frank clutches his pearls and gasps, "It was a joke!" Janelle then asks him why he told her to her face that he was going after her. Frank replies, "Another joke! I'm a real sarcastic person." Then he blinked repeatedly and Larry Hagman turned into an elephant.

Janelle clearly isn't buying the bullshit Frank is serving up so she outright accuses him of being the one who started the rumor that the Coaches were entering the game, "It was you who noticed the keyholes next to our photos." Quite honestly, I'm not sure why this even matters now. The dumb ass Coaches are in the game and it's not Frank that did it. Janelle is just being Janelle and trying to beat down anyone who dares interfere with her Mary Kay way of life. Continuing on, she says to Frank, "You were the one who said you weren't going to lose to a Coach in this game." Again, Frank cites his winning sarcasm for the jokey comedy routine that has upset Janelle so much.

After Janelle finishes hurling all the accusations she can think of, she starts in on her "woe is me" act. She's so alone. She has no one. She could leave the game next week. No one wants to work with her. Wahh, wahh, wahh. It's part flirty and part miserable, but that's how Janelle works. She jiggles her tits in your face and then expects you to cry uncle. Frank goes ahead and takes her bait. He suggests that maybe he, Boogie, and Janelle could make a new beginning and work together. Sometimes it's just easier to tell Janelle what she wants to hear and be done with it. Listening to her whine is sort of like listening to Danielle dive into a bag of chips - excruciatingly painful.

So, let's fast forward to the big POV competition. The players are Danielle, Wil, Frank, Shane, Ian, and Jenn. The competition is the same tired one we see every year where some people walk away with prizes and others end up with a stupid costume. From what I can gather, Frank had a $5000 cash prize, but traded it with Wil for the POV. Danielle then traded her "spirit-tard" to Frank and took the POV for herself making Danielle the winner. Ian apparently had a trip to Maui, but traded it with Jenn in order to live for 24 hours as a dog. His reason was that he already got $3000 from that Coaches' Comp while Jenn only got $1000. In summation, Danielle won the POV, Wil won $5000, Jenn won a trip to Maui, Shane won a Veto Ticket, Frank won the "spirit-tard", and Ian won a day pooping out on the lawn.

Like myself, Boogie was flat out disgusted and exasperated with Ian's decision to dump a free trip to Maui for a punishment. It sounds like he was mean and condescending to Ian during and after the game. Boogie would have preferred that Ian actually focused on winning rather than making stupid little boy moves that do nothing to help a Frank in need. There was much talk in the house for hours after the competition ended over how rude Boogie was to Ian. Hey, I get it. I totally get it. Ian's house shenanigans are more of a court jester than a serious player. He is nothing more than B-roll filler material. He is CBS's ticket to the cheap laughs. He is a guaranteed clip on Thursday's show. And that's it. That's all Ian does. I'm sure he is a nice nerdy kid, but he's just that... a kid. A child. An immature buffoon with bells on his hat.

So after Boogie gets done reprimanding Ian, he heads to the Arcade Room with Frank. Frank is wondering if maybe they should team up with Ashley and Janelle since earlier Janelle confided in Frank about how alone she was in this game. He wants Boogie to go to Dan and tell him that they have the numbers to keep Frank in the game. Boogie pauses to consider it, but before he can give Frank a definitive answer, Frank is off and running again. His new plan is that they threaten Ashley. Frank wants to corner Ashley and threaten her with the wrath of Boogie for the rest of her life if she doesn't comply and vote to keep Frank in the game. Boogie says he'd rather not use that tactic just yet. If they do decide to threaten Ashley, it'll have to be a last minute move - something they do right before the vote.

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Ian has decided to swear solidarity to Britney's alliance of fops. He is 100% with them from now on, but he wants to make sure that he's not #5 in a 5 member alliance. Everyone in the room shakes their head and insists he's not (he kinda is) which makes Ian happy. Ian says he'll hate to see Frank evicted in his "spirit-tard", but it will be "eBay gold" for him which makes it kind of OK. *sigh* This is how Ian's brain works! He's more concerned with the after show and Wikipedia than he is with present day Big Brother. And, furthermore, Frank stinks. Really stinks. Festering sewer stink. Can you imagine bidding on that funky unitard and getting it on your doorstep one day? If you dare open that box, it'll be the stinky car Seinfeld episode. The funk will mutate, breed, and strengthen over time. You'll have to sell your house, but of course you won't be able to because it'll stink so freaking much!

Down in the Arcade Room, something somewhat interesting is actually taking place. It's Jenn, Will, and Ashley and they are SO over playing for the Coaches. It's like Jenn finally woke up, took a look around, and realized where she was. Wil has always resented Janelle, but he hasn't done much with that resentment until now. All season long all I've been waiting for is for the newbies to wake up and bludgeon the Coaches over the head... or vote them out. Either or. I'm not picky. So watching these three bitch and moan over how wretched Boogie and Janelle are is very exciting to me.

Jenn also has a bone to pick with young Ian (Get it, bone? Woof!) . She doesn't like that he treats the Coaches like royalty. It was very nice of him to trade the trip to Hawaii with her, but she has a hard time seeing Ian ever going against the Coaches. Jenn also hates how Janelle is always talking about herself and how popular she is with the fans. Her final gripe has to do with Frank and the way he'll sneak in a dig at someone and then announce, "Psych! It was a joke!" The digs are a little too real and personal for Jenn to buy Frank's joke defense.

Wil, knuckle deep into his scalp, chimes in and says there's a reason Frank is on the block every week. Ashley nods and agrees. And then her head rolled off onto the floor. Her mouth kept moving so I'm sure she'll be fine. *shrugs shoulders* The conversation ends with Wil promising to deliver a speech that will go down in history. I can't tell if he's talking about a speech for the POV Ceremony or for the live eviction. Either way it'll be a Queen Latifah monologue from the film The Last Holiday. This is the Wil I've been waiting to see.

I was doing the Big Brother Gossip Show when the punishments were doled out, but I managed to get a few screencaps of the ridiculousness. Ian has to be walked on a leash on order to leave his kennel. I also read on Twitter that Frank keeps ripping his "spirit-tard".

And now we arrive at the late night excitement. Get one hand free and let's settle in to some Boogie magic. Yes, I said Boogie. So, Boogie has a new plan that doesn't entail threatening anyone at all. It's a plan with direction and promise. It's a plan to get rid of Janelle you guys! Up in the HOH room, Boogie meets with Shane and Danielle to pitch his pearl of awesomeness. Boogie knows he probably has no chance to win this game, but why not make the house a little more harmonious for everyone? Why not get rid of the evil sea hag who starts all the problems? Shane is immediately intrigued as he is pretty sure Janelle will come after him the second she wins HOH. Danielle's interest is similarly piqued. She hates that nasty Janelle who is always so mean to her. Not only did Janelle call her fat, but she makes fun of her showmance with neon dandy Shane.

Danielle has always had a bad feeling about Janelle especially since she began her reign as HOH. Something has gnawing at her gut (the devil) and telling her (in tongues) that she should target Janelle. The only reason she didn't do it was because of Dan and the fact that Janelle will go batshit crazy and raise a holy terror in the house. *whispers "Awesome"* Boogie eventually leaves to let the Janelle plan settle in and marinate. His work here is done.

Enter Dan. A very excited Shane and Danielle share their new plan with Dan who is visibly, yet cautiously, horrified. You can tell he wants to shit a brick, but instead he sits quietly and nods, "Uh huh. So what do you think of this plan?" Well, Danielle is super excited! That Janelle is so evil and she'll definitely go after her and her fake boyfriend the first chance she gets. She knows the house will be unbearable (yay!) for the rest of the week, but it's a risk she's willing to take. Britney then enters the room and is surprisingly open to the Janelle plan. She says that if Janelle wins HOH, she won't put up an Ian or a Jenn or a Wil. She'll put up Shane and Danielle. Danielle nods and says again how Janelle hates her.

Danielle trusts Boogie way more than she trusts Janelle because Janelle is so two-faced. Dan thinks quietly for a minute and you can tell he's frantically trying to come up with ways to squash this idea (Damn you Dan!). He says that he'd much rather continue in the game with Boogie and Ian as opposed to Boogie and Frank. Dan tells the room that he really doesn't like the idea of Boogie and Frank staying together. Here's the thing, Dan is, for some reason, fighting to keep his side all Coach alliance intact. It behooves him (although I don't know how) to keep Janelle which is why this new plan is the last thing he wants to happen.

Dan says that two hours ago everyone was fine with sending Frank home and now after one conversation with Boogie they're ready to evict Janelle. He says that's how good of a player Boogie is. Danielle shouts, "But I hate Janelle!" and then I think she ate her own face. Dan reprimands Danielle and tells her that she's being personal, not strategic. Danielle shouts, "I am NOT being personal! I can't stand Janelle!" Danielle, honey, you go ahead and be personal. You do you babe. You have my complete support on this one.

The night eventually comes to a close with everyone agreeing to sleep on it. It's a long way off until Monday's POV Ceremony which, unfortunately, gives Dan time to come up with a plan to save Janelle. Will he manage to do it? Will he tell Janelle about Boogie's plan? Will Ian need a flea dip at the end of the 24 hours? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

When Janelle finds out what's going on, she'll go completely INSANE. Don't miss it! Sign up for the 3-day free trial and let's watch her unravel together

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