A Good Eunuch Is Hard To Come By

Alright Bitches... I'm back. Can we please discuss the fact that I get more comments when I don't blog than when I do? What the hell is up with that? I hate you all you whores.

Without further ado, we return to the trials and tribulations that have encompassed our fair Big Brother abode...

Like, oh my god, I'm the HOH you guys! Can you stand it? Seriously, I have to fight tooth and nail like everyday. Everyone wants to get between me and my man and it's literally almost too much to take. I've saved everybody in this house. Sure, my hair's greasy and I'm breaking out like a 15 yr old hanging out at McDonald's, but I'm a fighter. I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up (what)/I'm not gon' stop (what)/I'm gonna work harder (what)/I'm gonna make it (what)/I'm a survivor (what)... Brendooooon. I have to say the word "Brendon" once every five minutes or else he ceases to exist. My man is so amazing. Tooth and nail baby. Like, literally, like I deserve some respect for being in the HOH hizzy TWICE. If it weren't for me, none of these people would have made it into the Jury House. Where's my champagne? That Kristen is such a bitch. She looked at me wrong the other day and, like, now I have to kick her to the curb. I'm so amazing. I'll bet America is like, "Brenchel we love you!" Screw that Jeff and Jordan. Amazing Race here I come...

We have a new HOH and I've suddenly acquired a case of the migraines. No joke. She speaks and I'm on the hunt for some Extra Strength Tylenol. I swear by the end of this season I'll have a nasty oxy habit and have to go to rehab or some shit like that. You'll be getting the bill CBS. Alright, so Hyena Fuckface is the HBIC and all of a sudden the house is on it's knees ready to lick her toes. Why, oh why, is everyone so afraid of her? Yes, she looks like she has nits in her hair, but buy some Rid and be done with it. Watching Enzo, Hayden, and Lane kiss her ass is beyond repugnant and that's just how the day began.

Hayden is in the HOH and his first order of business is to throw his nighttime lover under the bus. He tells Brenchel he's not happy with the way Kristen has been handling herself since last night and all I could do was watch in horror. What. A. Pussy. Once I remarked on how strong the brotherhood of Badda-bing was, but no more. Those assholes will do anything short of whacking one another in order to stay in that house. Alliance schmalliance. It's every man for himself. Hayden goes on to say that it actually serves his best interest for Kristen to be in the Jury House. It may not serve Brenchel's, but it sure does serve his. Ok, now why would you even say something like that? WHY?! Why tell Hyena Fuckface and her man what will help you win the game but, at the same time, be a disadvantage to them? I just don't get it. Hayden's a moron. I was ready to like him and forgive him his first week HOH paranoia, but forget it. He's as penisless as Brendon. In fact, this whole damn house is full of vaginas and eunuchs. I sometimes wonder to myself if Badda-bing won't head to Rome after this BB thing is all done and start a choir or something. A good eunuch is hard to come by these days.

Hayden tells Rachel that someone in the house said that she was after a "strong couple" this week. Hayden thinks this means either him and Kristen or Lane and Britney. Rachel wants to know who told him this little nugget of info, but Hayden refuses to name names. Brendon begins to question Hayden and comes to the conclusion that Matt is the one saying Brenchel is after a strong couple. Hayden just shrugs his shoulders, shakes his shaggy mane, and says "I don't know." Brendon says, "It's Matt. I know it's Matt." Hayden just smiles. So basically, in a nutshell, what Hayden has done in the course of 10 minutes is throw his pseudo girlfriend and his brotherhood alliance under the bus.

Then the Feeds went down for a Luxury Competition and, quite frankly, I'm a little pissed about it. It's way too soon to be doing Luxury isn't it? I kinda wonder if Ragan's whining is the reason behind the comp. These assholes got a week of no slop because of Ragan and his constant bitching. Did they get a movie Luxury Comp because of it too? Anyhow, yeah, it was for a movie screening of the new film The Other Guys starring Will Ferrell and Marky Mark. Brendon's team won it I think and Rachel lives to coo another day.

After the Luxury Comp we find Hayden talking to Lane. He's telling Lane that Kristen is definitely going up on the block and that either himself or Lane will be going up opposite her. Brenchel is convinced that Lane threw that surfboard HOH comp (I can't remember from the DR sessions, did he?) and they're on a mission to get rid of "floaters" and keep only the "deserving ones" in the house. Lane is pissed he's being called a floater and says, "Fucking put me up then." Hayden doesn't seem too bothered by it. His main concern is that his lover Kristen will actually win POV. Way to be loyal brah. If Kristen wins POV, then it might be Lane against Hayden and Mr. Mop Head isn't exactly sure if he has enough votes to stay.

Meanwhile the Dragon Lady is up in the HOH begging for her life. She was so hurt and tortured by being on the block last week that she doesn't think she can stomach it another week. That's the whackiest/funniest excuse ever to stay off the block... "I just don't think mentally I can handle it." Kathy goes on to tell Brenchel that she's always been there for them, but last week when she needed them the most they weren't there for her at all. She's got a point. The reason I hated Kathy so much from the getgo was because she was too supportive of Brenchel, but the second she goes on the block they completely disappeared. Brenchel listens to what she has to say and Brendon suddenly speaks up. He's using words like "we" and "us" and "our" when referring to the decision "they" have to make. Rachel begins to get a little annoyed and she, rightfully, reminds him that it's her HOH, not his... which brings me to my Brendonism of the day.

It's like an Adlerism (Jonathan Adler), but it's been Brendonfied. Yesterday Jonathan Adler tweeted this: Don’t neuter your neutrals—a zippy accent color will ignite your beige! Why, thank you Jonathan. I don't know how I existed without your pottery or your gay happy chic. A Brendonism would go something like this: Don't neuter me Rachel - I promise I won't say "we"! *sigh* Brendon is awful. The way he speaks when he's in a position of power makes me lunge for my rat bag. He loooooves to go on and on about how he deserves to be there and how he only sees the good in people and yadda yadda yadda I'd much rather endure a painful case of spinal meningitis than listen to his bullshit. The funny thing is you can totally tell that it annoys Rachel as well. Her eyes glaze over and she lets him ramble on, but inside she's thinking, "I'm HOH not YOU!" I see people on Twitter predicting a Brenchel break up and I just laugh. These two will not break up. Without Brendon, Rachel is all alone. This is why she lets him ramble and lets him think he's got a say in this weeks decision making. They put up with each other's miserable habits just so they're not alone in this world. They'll break up when Big Brother is over and done with (unless, of course, they get cast on The Amazing Race). Brendon will have a strong female fan base and once Rachel turns all green with envy he'll see her for the psycho she truly is. One thing about Jordan, I still think she's a moron who should be riding the short bus to get around town, but she's not jealous. She's blissfully ignorant to the world around her.

Kathy eventually leaves the HOH and now it's Lane's turn. I can pretty much sum up what he had to say in about 3 words... Kristen is bad. He blames everything... cancer, hurricanes, and that bear attack in Yellowstone all on Kristen. No reasons behind why or how she's the mastermind of all the evils in the world. Who needs reasons right? Just unfairly put the blame on the only chick I like in this house and be done with it. I began to drift off into a daydream of CBS showing my blog to everyone in the house. I picture a laptop and horrified faces in the DR. All the HG's read about how I adore Kristen and, in retaliation, they're now after her. That has to be the reason for why this week is so fucking nuts. I refuse to accept any other. I don't understand why people on Twitter don't like her either. Being the selfish and self-serving bitch I am I'm forced to believe it's all a big anti-Colette Lala movement. They're all jealous of me. I just know it. Oh my god... Rachel is rubbing off on me. Send help. Call 911. Take a biopsy. Give me a catheter. Perform whatever medical procedure you need to. I don't care just get her out of me!!!

Speaking of the lovely Kristen, let's just fast forward to the big moment of the day: Kristen in the HOH with Rachel. It took some gentle nudging by Hayden and Kathy, but Kristen finally made her way up to the HOH. Rachel is all dressed in black, half an eyebrow painted on, roots showing, pimples bursting, lips sneering. In walks Kristen... fresh-faced, clear skin, hair sassily twisted up into a casual chignon. Kristen begins by saying she knows that this is all a game and she's not expecting an apology from Rachel. LMAO Delightful! I love it. You can tell Rachel was thinking, "This bitch wanted my apology?" Rachel gets mad and begins to attack Kristen for the way she played the HOH. Rachel didn't like how Kristen kept putting Rachel up against people. Kristen cites that Rachel did the exact same thing to her. For some reason, that fact doesn't register with Rachel. She's only concerned with how she's been wronged. Rachel has such a sense of entitlement that I can't help but wonder where the hell it comes from. I mean, she's not all that pretty, she's fucking annoying, everything that comes out of her mouth sounds phony even when it's not phony, and she's extremely selfish. Maybe she hangs out with bottom feeders who eat out of dumpsters and worship her. I can't imagine Rachel having pretty friends and hanging out with the cool kids. I picture her wanting more of a queen-like role in social situations which is why I'm 95% sure all her partying happens with the lowlifes on the Vegas Strip. Those type of people make Rachel feel important whereas someone with success would only make her feel inadequate.

Anyhow, the conversation continues and Kristen tells Rachel that she was never gunning for her. Rachel was her friend. Kristen is playing a very different game from everyone else and she's not letting emotions rule her decision making. The only time she started to get weird about Rachel was when Rachel started to treat her like shit for no reason at all. It's so true too. All of a sudden Rachel got a whiff of Kristen and Hayden stealing her showmance thunder and she got insanely jealous. People in the house like Kristen whereas Rachel is always everyone's number one target. Kristen begins to talk about how she was Andrew's number one supporter, but when he was on the block last week he never bothered to approach her. He got it into his head that Kristen didn't like him anymore and it all blew up with that ridiculous speech of his. Kristen tells Rachel that Andrew singlehandedly fucked her over big time with his speech. In the matter of 8 minutes on live television everything came crashing down around her. I still can't get over that the reason for Andrew's anger was because Kristen wouldn't console him. I'll bet Andrew had the hots for Kristen but the fact that she was a shiksa coupled with her hooking up with Hayden was just too much for poor crybaby Andrew to bear. Why else would he get so pissed?

Rachel listens to everything Kristen has to say, but every time she responds it always something about Rachel and Rachel's feelings. She truly has a gift. Rachel then openly accuses Kristen of wanting to be the only girl in the house. Kristen admits to maybe being a little jealous of Rachel's friendship with Britney. She felt left out and Kathy just happened to be the only girl who'd talk to her. Kristen also admits to not being really adept in reading when other people are upset with her. She tells Rachel that she never wants to fight with her like that again and that if Rachel has a problem with her then to please let Kristen know so they can avoid the catty bitchiness.

The conversation went on forever and I'm in a little bit of a hurry this morning. In a nutshell, Kristen told Rachel that if Rachel keeps her safe this week, she'll keep Rachel safe next week. Tit for tat. That's how Kristen rolls. Kristen knows that Rachel is strong and that's actually why Kristen respected her in the first place. She even considered going to Final 2 with Rachel because it'd be a hell of a competition between two tough broads. I may or may not have added the "tough broads" part. Kristen admitted to liking Hayden, but said that they weren't hooking up at night with Andrew in the room. LOL Naughty Kristen. OK so she told a little white lie. I forgive her. I like her so I'm gonna defend her.

In the end, it was all for naught. Rachel nominated Kristen and Hayden. Not only did she nominate them, but in her nomination speech she told the entire house to "bring it on" and come after her and her man. What. A. Fucking. Idiot. The speech was so bad that we were treated to Brendon reprimanding Rachel for almost 10 solid minutes without interruption. Rachel just stared at him with her one painted on eyebrow and her roots glistening. Brendon demanded that she go down and apologize to everyone. Her behavior is beginning to fuck with his game and I think one of his balls started to descend but I can't be sure. Eventually, Rachel walked out on Brendon and begrudgingly offered the house a half-hearted apology. She said her emotions got the best of her and she did it for TV. Did it for TV? God, I hate her.

I missed the late night stuff and this morning has been crazy so I'm gonna end this here. I had some computer/wireless issues so please forgive my lack of screencaps. I'm on a friend's laptop and was forced to write this without my notes. The good news is that for the next few days, the blog should be somewhat back to normal. My full attention will be on Big Brother and this blog. I just want to thank you all for being so supportive and continuing to come back everyday. It's been a difficult month and I hate that I've missed days blogging. You have no idea how much it annoys me. Thanks for sticking with me. I really do appreciate it.

So, how hard are you rooting for Kristen to win the POV? If the noms stay the same, who do you think will go home? Who will Hayden throw under the bus today? What should the name of the Big Brother Eunuch choir be? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

No Blog Today

Sorry bitches. I'm only just now turning the Feeds on. I wouldn't even know how to recap what happened yesterday.

Actually, let me try. It'll be short and it'll be sweet.

She won. Appendages will be lost. The end.

Don't You Touch My Piggies!

Dear Allison Grodner,

I don't care for you. I think you're delusional and possibly in need of medication. Every year your twists pretty much suck ass and every year you force HG's down our throat with inaccurate CBS editing. Last night you went overboard. Editing Lane to look like a moronic hillbilly while simulataneously making Brenchel look somewhat normal pushes the boundaries of good taste. And, for the love of god, do NOT bring Jeff back. I realize he makes you wet and all gooey inside, but enough already! He's a moron with an annoying accent who's really not all that good looking when you stop and think about it. Furthermore, the handling of the Feeds this year is beyond atrocious. Technical problems aside, 4 cameras on someone eating (loudly and grotesquely) is ridiculous. Scheming being cut short so I can see a nauseating redhead on an elliptical is nonsensical. Please retire and leave the show to someone with taste - and take Robyn Kass with you.

Love and other indoor sports,

Colette Lala

The day began with a frustrated man-child in a little hat yelling at some half naked women. Yup, Andrew's angry and, for some reason, he can't hold it in. Kristen and Kathy were in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Kathy was about to step into the shower and Kristen was either brushing her teeth or blowdrying her hair. In walks goofy awkward "worst eater of the year" Andrew. He marches up to the girls and begins shouting "Stop playing me like a fiddle!". Look, Fiddler On The Roof, no one's playing you like a fiddle so just pipe down. Kristen is shocked and says, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Andrew, wide-eyed and crazy, huffs, stomps his feet, then turns around and walks out. Kristen mutters that he better talk to her like a normal person from now on or she might shift into a grizzly bear and show him what's what.

A few minutes later Captain Douchebag is at it again. He finds Kristen in the bedroom and begins to scream at her for not consoling him. Andrew's big beef (with no cheese on it mind you) is that Kristen has been spending time all week with Kathy. He actually says, "I want to be comforted!". Kristen shouts back, "You're digging your own grave!" Andrew retorts, "You're digging YOUR own grave!" Aaaaaand scene!

Was it good for you? Yeah, I dug it too. It was great to see Kristen shake her calm exterior and really let loose. Unfortunately, the whole shouting match was cut incredibly short by that nosy overly jealous bitch Rachel when she walked in naked and wrapped in a towel. The other HG's at least had the decency to stay back and eavesdrop outside the door like any normal person would, but Rachel knows a good clip opportunity when she sees one. She's no dummy. Fights get aired on CBS and what does Cunty McCunterson want more than anythng else in life? Attention and air time. Worse still, the only part of the fight Rachel really caught was Kristen saying, "You're digging your own grave." so of course she interprets it as Kristen threatening death. Outside the bedroom Matt, who's slightly douchey yet much more open-minded than Rachel, tells Ragan and Britney, "Andrew digs his own grave everytime he speaks." Ahhh I see someone has finally had a change of heart. Welcome Matt. The sane world is a fun place to be. Please take a brochure and have a look around. You're a little late to the party (no sane person would let Brenchel be safe), but you're welcome to some refreshments and appetizers. We hope your stay is a pleasant and comfortable one.

So after all the excitement everyone begins approaching Kristen wondering what the hell just happened. She recaps the story accurately and says that Andrew was upset because he thought that she was only consoling and comforting Kathy. In fact, Kathy was the one who sought out Kristen not the other way around. Kristen was open to talking to anybody all week long. It's not her fucking fault Andrew hides away by himself doing god knows what.

Speaking of hiding all by himself, that's exactly what Andrew did after attacking Kristen. He shuffled back to his little Have-Not room and began to cry like the little bitch he is. A grown man, a father, a doctor runs and hides so he can cry over a 20-something girl not consoling him. Go back and reread that sentence again. I want the full weight of it to really hit you. I'm sorry, but if I ever happen to be in Miami and a foot problem arises, Dr. Andrew Gordon is the last fucking man I'm letting lay his hands on my little piggies. Worse still, he turns to his Bible for comfort. Maybe he's looking for the Leviticus passage that says, "Thou shalt throw baby tantrums and cry for hours." Who knows?

As if Andrew wasn't bad enough, we're now treated to Ragan putting on airs and making the "necessary" visits to everyone letting them know that he's going to vote for Andrew to leave. He doesn't just say, "Look bitches, I'm keeping Kathy. Deal with it." No. He launches into a speech about good and evil, spirit, sanctity, equity, something about the truth setting you free, and he may or not have quoted Lincoln at some point. I don't know. It was ridiculous and I don't really have time to go through it all. In a nutshell, Ragan told Brenchel, Andrew, and Matt that Andrew said something snarky about the Have-Not's which was a clear indicator to him that Andrew's character was tainting the spiritual equity of the house so now he's voting him out. Whatever. I hope you get laringitis Ragan.

This brings us to the juicy part. OK so Andrew is still crying and Brendon sneaks in and tells Andrew that he needs to fight to stay. Andrew says that on Thursday he's gonna make a speech that'll shock everyone and leave Brenchel in good standing. Brendon isn't too thrilled with the idea of Andrew making another one of his speeches so he advises Andrew to hold a "house meeting" to apologize to everyone. Andrew starts to weep again saying that apologizing won't help. They begin stealth whispering and it was really hard to hear, but I think I heard Brendon telling Andrew to tell Lane that he's after Brenchel. Brendon was also saying something about how the votes may go and I heard Andrew say, "Are you serious? Are you really that clueless?" That kind of made me laugh.

In the end, there was a lot of blubbering on Andrew's end and hot air on Brendon's. Andrew actually agreed to do the "house meeting" plan and, at home, we all got super excited for some fireworks. Miraculously, Andrew managed to sop up his tears and go outside for a breath of fresh air. He begins to talk to Enzo and he mentions the "house meeting" he wants to have. Enzo sighs and tells him that he can't blow up on people like he's been doing. He's on the block! He needs to watch himself. Andrew blames stress and the slop diet for why he's so douchetastic this week.

Then, we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

While we waited, Andrew started to cry again. Oh for fuck's sake, he cries more than I did when I found out Jeff was going to be visiting the BB12 house for a night. I just can't escape that guy. So yeah, Andrew is now doing that loud, snorty, hiccup like crying thing and Brendon sneaks in to console him... again. Brendon starts talking about Andrew's daughter and how he needs to stay in the game and it's so not helping cuz Andrew is only crying harder. Brendon tells Andrew how genuine he is and, for a second, I thought they were gonna make out or something. I think it might have been the only time I actually wished Rachel would have entered the room. She's still not too keen on Andrew and it drives her nuts that Brendon has little secret plans with him.

After hours of waiting, the house meeting finally happened. Of course, I missed it, but those sassy bitches over at onlinebigbrother.com informed me that it was like 3 minutes long and all Andrew did was cry and apologize to Kristen, Brendon, and Rachel.

Unfortunately, this is where I leave you today. I have some personal stuff to take care of today that sucks so much more than you could ever imagine. I'd much rather sit here and write for you assholes. The good news is all these interruptions I'm having will soon be over. I don't know if I'll be able to blog tomorrow. I'll be gone most of today and into tonight, but I'll try my best. Perhaps I can cover the HOH room reveal.

So, who do you bitches want to go home tonight? Who do you absolutely do NOT want to win HOH? Would you ever trust your feet to a crying baby like Andrew? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The Worst Person On The Planet

She awoke with a grumble. It had been another long night working the floor at the Stardust Hotel. She leaned over the side of the bed, coughed up something with some body to it, and spit it into an old pair of crusty panties. Waking up was never easy for Rachel. The sweaty Efficiency she lived in let the light stream through the windows much earlier than she would have liked. Mrs. Bunton's cat upstairs was always squealing and the couple next door spent yet another night hooting and hollering at a tractor pull on the TV. She'd gotten shmammered at work again which didn't please her boss, but always paid off in spades in tips. Lying on the dirty futon she willed herself to get up and begin the laborious 5 hour process of making herself presentable. There were hairs to pluck out of moles, giant whiteheads to pop, pony extensions to comb out, and fake nails to apply. The morning was the time of the day she dreaded the most. She knew the second her feet hit the floor, she'd hear that familiar scurry of cockroaches running to their hiding places. If only she could find a man to rescue her, a knight in shining armor if you will. He'd have to be tall, fit, and rich, of course. He better not make her sign a pre-nup though. Women who sign pre-nups are idiots and she didn't go to community college to be 3 credits shy of a Chemistry degree to be called an idiot! Let's recap, shall we?

I hate Rachel Reilly. I hate her with every fiber of my being. She speaks and my insides tremble in fear. She laughs and I can feel bile creep it's way up my throat. She pouts and my pet unicorn impales himself with his own horn. She's the second most vile creature on the planet. (The first is Ass Licker - Ass Licker will always be first.) It's work to watch her on a daily basis and I've begun to develop several strange and intolerable ticks as a result. My neck involuntarily spasms, my eyes blink and twitch a lot, and I mutter the phrase "Stop it... just stop it!" over and over again to no one but myself. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that, at some point, Rachel will discover that millions upon millions of people despise her. Maybe she'll even read this blog one day. Who knows? Just in case she does, I want her to know in painstaking detail exactly how repugnant I find her to be. In fact, it'll be my mission to clue her in. It'll be difficult and there will be pain, but I'll do it. On behalf of you, my lovely and slightly perverted readers, I will do it. *sigh* I feel like Joan of Arc preparing for battle or Billie Jean trying to get Christian Slater's money back for the scooter. Fair is fair bitches... fair is fair!

The day began very slowly yesterday. Lots of random chitchat about movies and whatnot. Britney muses that Russell's behavior to Ronnie wouldn't be tolerated in the house this season. I agree with her and therein lies the problem. The big stinky problem that's ruining Big Brother 12 on a daily basis. Political correctness and the paranoia it incites runs rampant in this house and I've had just about enough of it. This idea of always doing the right thing or picking the correct approach is systematically ruining a show I so dearly love. No one yells, no one expresses themselves - individuality is stifled. I want my Big Brother house to be more like a mental institution where the walls themselves, although they keep a person locked in, grant permission for the most honest and free expression of behavior. Instead, we're tortured with incessant conversations about feelings and understanding. Throw caution to the wind, assholes, and get down and dirty. For the love of god... I beg you.

I ask for crazy and I'm given Brenchel. While it's close, it's not exactly the crazy I'm looking for. Anyhow, Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are lying down together having the first of many little tiffs that will plague us throughout the day. Rachel, that incessant bird beaked fun sucker, is still mad that Brendon trusts Andrew. Brendon tries to appease her, but his ruffled panties and pacifier are getting in the way. Rachel's mind is set - she does not trust Andrew and nothing, not even a George Michael impression, will change her mind. Brendon tries to no avail to convince Rachel that Andrew threw the POV for him the other day. In fact, Brendon is so convinced he threw it that he'll go ahead and throw HOH to Andrew next week. Hold up Shirley Temple! Aren't you the same guy who bitches every week about people throwing comps? I thought so. Go back to your corner and make your macaroni art. I've had just about enough of you.

The discussion then turns to Kristen. Fair haired banging bodied Kristen who'd never hurt a fly unless, of course, it was her day to be a frog. Rachel is pea green with jealousy over Kristen. Kristen didn't systematically stage a showmance yet one fell naturally into her lap. Kristen doesn't have to be phony and laugh like a hyena for attention yet all the boys like her. Kristen speaks with a soft valley girl voice and people pay attention. She doesn't need to cackle and flare her nostrils while getting red wine intravenously pumped into her veins. Kristen is everything Rachel is not and it's drives Rachel batshit crazy. Rachel spends hours upon hours thinking up ways to hate Kristen. The jealousy she feels is like a flesh eating virus slowly eating away at her skin. Kristen's never really done anything heinous or gross so Rachel is forced to invent reasons to hate her. Rachel says that Kristen cut the boys hair on purpose. That was her way of getting in good with them. Umm you stupid duck lipped cunt, Kristen cut the boys hair cuz YOU fucked it up last time. The boys already liked her! She's a nice girl who doesn't have to flaunt and create drama to get attention yet Rachel is convinced that Kristen wants to be the only girl left in the house before she turns her evil nonexistent rage on all the boys.

Jealousy, to a person like Rachel who craves all the attention for herself, will make a person do evil and wicked things - things like spreading malicious lies. Rachel is already hard at work planting seeds in the rest of the HG's minds that Kristen is up to no good. She "accidentally" let it slip to Hayden that Kristen said she could control him. *pause* God, I hate that. If only Rachel knew how ugly this envy is making her. Kristen never said any such thing about Hayden and nor would she. Control over people is so completely out of character for someone like Kristen whereas Rachel salivates and writhes in ecstasy over control. Just look at her little Bitch Boy boyfriend. If she's not controlling his every thought and desire, she's throwing tantrums and pouting in a corner.

So while Rachel has set her sights on destroying Kristen, Brendon is more focused on Andrew and the love he feels for him. He tells Rachel that Andrew will publicly apologize to both of them for the speech he gave and then he'll hang out with Enzo and his crew and report back all he's discovered to Brenchel. Really? Why don't I ever see Brendon and Andrew having these pow wows? Is this what's going in another room when all 4 feeds are showing me Lane playing pool or Ragan whining about baby food? When I stop to think about it, sometimes the feeds will go 8 hrs without showing certain individuals. I sure hope we're not missing pertinent discussions and important game play. I don't know who's running the feeds this year, but that person needs to be fired and never allowed to work in television again. I swear they left it up to a stoned intern who's busy scraping his bowl and sneaking out back for a smoke rather than following the action in the house.

Speaking of Andrew, apparently he told Britney that Kathy was gunning for her. Britney, in turn, told Kathy and now Kathy is pissed. She spent most of the day telling everyone what Andrew said and how it's a complete and total lie. Up in the HOH she told Matt she couldn't believe Andrew would do such a thing. They promised not to play like that. Matt tells Kathy that if the vote comes to a tie, he'll vote to keep Kathy. I have no idea is this is true or not. I can't tell anymore with Matt. He's playing so many damn sides of the house that it's impossible to uncover what his true intentions are. To Kathy, he's appearing very anti-Andrew and all things Brenchel. He tells Kathy that he's sure Andrew is working with Brenchel and asks her if Brenchel is on her radar at all. Kathy says without a doubt she's on the warpath to get rid of them. If she wins HOH, they're both going up and one is definitely going home. Sounds good to me!

Hayden and Kristen share a brief moment in the bedroom where Kristen reveals that she likes to wear sunglasses all the time so she can feign sleep and carefully watch other HG's without them knowing about it. Hayden laughs, leans in to give her a peck on the lips, and Kristen says, "Is that all I get?" Hayden nods his shaggy mane and heads to the door. Now, these two are cute. They're normal, they're not trying to shove their showmance down our throats, and they don't make me want to barf up a lung. I'm not gonna be some psycho fan who obsesses over these BB romances though. If they hit it off, great. If they don't, oh well. No biggie.

Now I'm gonna fast forward to the big show that happened in the early evening. Brendon made some comment about wanting a pre-nup and Rachel completely lost her shit. First off Bitch Boy, pre-nups are for people with money not swim coaches who want to be physicists. You wanting a pre-nup is like when George Costanza wanted a pre-nup in that episode of Seinfeld. His fiance laughed in his face and said, "You don't have any money! Sure, I'll sign it. Get me the papers." Secondly, you've known Rachel for less than a month! You're both insane to even be muttering any words associated with marriage. Call me crazy but I have a feeling that Brendon is a major momma's boy and if I know anything about mothers, especially Latin ones, it's that they're very judgmental about who their kids date - especially the boys. I picture Brendon's mom at home clutching her rosary beads and having prayer circles to get that red-headed harlot out of her son's life. I guarantee the Villegas house has been plagued with Spanish curse words ever since BB12 went to air earlier in the month. I am dying to see that home interview by the way. I'm 99% sure Brendon's parents hate Rachel. I mean, come on, how could they not?

OK so Bitch Boy wants a pre-nup and Rachel thinks that's gross yadda yadda yadda. They go outside to the hammock where Bitch Boy declares his love for Rachel and Rachel responds with... silence. Yes, silence. She doesn't tell him she loves him back. He's putting his cape on and trying to figure out how to strap a sword to his hip and she's just sitting there not saying a word. She thinks he's being too clingy, Brendon begins to whine, and the Feedsters go nuts on Twitter. I'm gonna be honest - I missed the fight. I knew it was happening and I was reading about it on Twitter, but I was already lying in bed and I just couldn't be bothered to get up and plug my laptop back in - not for Rachel anyway. I'll be damned if I let that bitch make me inconvenience myself. Besides, I knew that as soon as BBAD started that they'd be kissing and making up. It's uncanny really. I think both of them had a device implanted into their brains that begins to click when 9 PM is approaching.

Of course, I was right. They cuddled and kissed just in time for the BBAD theme song. Oh, it should also be noted that while they were fighting Brendon brought up the fact that he doesn't really care for Britney at all. For some reason, this angered Rachel so, in response, she marches inside to take a bath with... wait for it... Britney. It was disturbing. It completely warped my sense of good and evil. It kept me up all night. I was thisclose to calling an exorcist or a demonologist. I can't explain it, but the anger I felt seeing them in that tub together shredding Kristen to bits hurt me from within. When Rachel made fun of Kristen's laugh (I know, right? How dare she?!) I took a fire place poker and stabbed myself between the eyes. I was hoping for some emotional release or for maybe the pain of iron embedded deep inside my skull to distract me from what I was witnessing on the tv screen, but nothing worked. I tossed and turned, kicked the covers every which way, moaned in agony, and frantically placed crucifixes all around my bed for I knew that what I was seeing was truly demonic. I pondered calling those Paranormal State kids over for a consultation, but then I realized I'd have to listen to Ryan Buell talk into his tape recorder so I quickly nixed that idea. Seriously, that guy is the worst.

So while all this crap is polluting my brain, Andrew is in the HOH with Matt threatening to expose a super secret house alliance that only he knows about. *sigh* He's talking about Hayden and Kristen. Matt tries to get Andrew to reveal what he knows, but Andrew shakes his head and promises all will be revealed on Thursday during his speech and it'll make everyone reconsider their votes. First off, what kind of glitter sprinkled fantasy land is Andrew living in because I definitely want to move there? Telling the group that Hayden and Kristen are a couple isn't going to make them want to keep Andrew. It's gonna make them say, "Duh, we already knew that. Now, buh bye Captain Kosher." When Matt retells Andrew's mad rantings to the Badda-bing boys, Hayden gets a slightly nervous look on his face, but Lane saves the day proposing that Andrew is probably just making shit up now to stay in the game. Lane says something like, "What if he just starts naming random people like me and Enzo? We know it's not true." Thank you Lane. Bless your heart. They all laugh at Andrew and what a freak he is and I was suddenly able to fall asleep knowing that I only have to endure a little more than 24 hrs off his vile and wretched eating habits. At least, I hope that's all I have to endure.

So, what did you bitches think of the big Brenchel fight? Is the halo around Brendon's head dimming? Is Britney really friends with Rachel? Does Andrew have any hope of saving himself? Shouldn't that bath water have been put into a toxic chemicals container with a biohazard sign on it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And a super special ass smacking Happy Birthday to one Mitchievous Write. Happy Birthday Bitch! No, I will not have sex with you.

Swear On Arkansas

After she went down to the creek to fetch her water for the day, Kathy Faye would then begin to do the washing up. Everyday she has to bury her bucket of feces downwind of the tiny cabin that often looked like a small breeze could knock it off it's mountaintop perch. The wooden porch may as well have been put together with toothpicks. It was her granddaddy who built the cabin back at the turn of the century. It was intended as a place for the moonshiners to stay when they were out working late at night in the hollow and solid longlasting contstruction wasn't really his forte or his intention. He was a grumpy man with a scruffy beard who shuffled around with one suspender and a screw top jar full of the 'shine in his front pocket. Kathy Faye had only known him briefly as a child and even though he was scary and gruff, she knew the formula for how much sugar and yeast to use would always get her out of a jam if she was desperate. And Pappy Faye's 'shine did exactly that... how do you think she paid for all them oncology tests? Well, let's just say it wasn't the HMO down at the Sheriff's office. It was long nights swatting at the 'skitos', clutching the double barrel in her lap, and smoking cig after cig making sure Sheriff Dobkins didn't swing by at the end of his night down at the honky tonk. Yup, Kathy Faye was a tough broad who's been to this side of hell and back. She's expects the worst to happen now. It's just easier that way. Expect it and you'll never be surprised. Let's recap, shall we?

It's POV Ceremony day and the whole house is still confused as to whom to vote out and who to keep. Kathy Faye has been avidly working Kristen over by telling her about Brenchel's hate for her and Hayden while Andrew has pretty much kept to himself planning his jars of baby food for the day. Yesterday, dear friends, that all changed. The morning began with Kathy Faye and Kristen dreading the pending POV Ceremony. Kristen sighed languidly wondering why both Brendon and Rachel had to play in the POV. This would all be so much easier if they'd just backdoored Brendon and been done with it. I like Kristen. I always have. When I see people on Twitter gets all bitchy and nasty over some silly socks she's wearing I can't help but think how petty and childish it all is. I don't know. If you dislike someone make it for something more than her fucking socks.

OK so everyone is whispering and chitchatting over the big POV Ceremony. I sat home and wondered why. We all know Brendon's not going to use the damn POV. The noms will stay the same. What could possibly happen to shake things up? Lane sits and wonders if there's actually a way they can convince Brendon to use the POV after all. Maybe tempt him into getting out another strong male in the house? Look, unless Brendon is met with an untimely accident where he slips on the kitchen floor and half his brain oozes out of his ear, there's no way in hell he's using that POV. While Lane is busy making wishful thinking plans, Enzo tells the other Badda-bing members, "I'm telling you man, I say we get rid of fucking Andrew." Enzo has always thought that Andrew was a bit of a shady character. For one, he's creepy. B) He keeps to himself so who the hell knows what he's thinking. Thirdly, he seems to have a lot of acquaintances in the house ready to jump to his defense. You add it all up and he's too much of a wild card.

Hayden and Lane head up to the HOH to wait for Matt and have a Badda-bing meeting of the minds. While they wait, they run through various scenarios of who Brenchel would put on the block if they won HOH next week. They're thinking two members of Badda-bing could end up on the block and this freaks them out. Eventually, Matt makes his way upstairs but hot on his heels is Ragan. I swear that guy can smell a meeting about to go down from a mile away. Homeowners meetings, AA meetings, Girl Scout meetings... you name it, Ragan will find it.

Lane and Hayden decide, for Ragan's benefit, to ask Matt how he thinks the votes will go. Matt thinks the house is split right now. Lane tells the group that Andrew hasn't approached him at all yet Kathy has approached him twice already. Both nominees leave such a question mark in Lane's mind that he decides he'll vote for George Clooney to stay instead. He's a popular guy. Besides he's got that house on Lake Como and maybe he'll invite the HG's to visit one day. All of a sudden, BB comes over the loud speaker and calls Ragan to the DR. Feedsters were thrilled and Lane says, "Good job DR!". With Ragan safely out of the way, the meeting resumes and all guys confess to being really confused at to exactly what the house is thinking. Matt thinks Kristen is a great resource as she's close to both nominees. She'd be the best person to find out what Andrew is really thinking. Matt lies and says over and over that he really doesn't care who goes home. He claims he has no loyalties either way. It seems to me that Matt has loyalties to everyone but Badda-bing! He's loyal to Andrew, he's loyal to Ragan... this asshole even wants Brenchel to win HOH next week! I understand he's playing for himself and that's fine, but doesn't he realize that as soon as the house puts two and two together his ass is gonna be alone with nary a vote to help him? He's lucky Badda-bing was built on loyalty and trust. It's a brotherhood that wouldn't even consider to question betrayal from within. That's their one downfall. They believe too much in themselves.

Matt laughs and jokes that whatever they decide as a group will probably will wrong anyways. Lane secretly hopes they can piss someone off so much that a fight will break out and someone will be removed saving poor Lane from having to vote. Hayden muses aloud that he remembers Brendon boasting back in week one how he's "got Andrew". Instead of all this guessing and conjecture, I can't help but wonder why one of them doesn't just make a deal or something. Badda-bing is entirely too complacent. Lane and Hayden are beginning to step up and question moves, but it's all happening a little too slow for me. If I had things my way, Badda-bing would recruit Britney and Kristen, figure out Matt is double crossing them, systematically take out the entire house, then at the end turn on each other and duke it out for Final 3. I've written my wishes in blood by candlelight on some really old parchment paper (in fact, I think it was Egyptian papyrus) while chanting in the all powerful Ancient Enochian so I'm pretty sure the powers that be got my message and will make it so.

Britney enters the meeting and again makes the point that Andrew is a strong player and she'd much rather have to compete against Kathy than him. This is where Matt comes up with his new "target" tactic. He tells Britney that keeping Andrew in the house essentially keeps another target around that the house will go after. It's moronic and makes very little sense. He'll continue to pitch it throughout the day to other HG's. No one really buys it and Matt is forced to rip up the "target plan" index card he pulled out of his shorts that day.

A bunch of other pre-POV Ceremony speculating goes on, but it's all pretty much the same old same old. Where does Brenchel really lie? Is Andrew with them? How will Kathy vote next week? Why is Matt's hand always down his pants? Is he digging for gold? Yadda yadd yadda fast forward to right after the POV Ceremony...

The Feeds return and we find the house stunned. I clutched my pearls and prayed that Brendon used the POV. It turns out Andrew, the dreidel meister himself, made a hell of a speech that may or may not have involved Rachel snorting fire through her nose. It's all very confusing so I leaned in close hoping I could piece together the mystery. Here's what I came up with...

Andrew gave a speech that specifically named Brendon and Rachel in some capacity. I think he said he was gunning for them and, upon hearing this, Rachel began to huff and puff and rock back and forth while making fists with her hands. Her reaction was so over the top and phony that it made the entire house question whether or not it was all a big set-up and that all along Andrew has been secretly working with Brenchel. It may not sound like that big of a deal, but, seriously, it must have been a doozy because right after all was said and done not only had Kristen firmly cemented her decision to boot Andrew, but so has Ragan! That's HUGE. If you remember, Ragan has been dead set against Kathy because she lacked a certain fire in her belly that he deems necessary to stay in the game. Ragan and all his highfalutin talk of integrity and mumbo jumbo was completely turned off by what Andrew and Rachel did in that meeting.

Conversely, Kathy gave a heartfelt and emotional speech that was authentic and genuine. She's been a fighter all her life and she's gonna continue to fight to stay in this game. She sits with Ragan in the HOH and finally we hear the real story of why she needs to stay in the Big Brother house. She's scared she might get sick again and she wants to make sure her son and mom are provided for. Apparently, the type of chemo they gave her makes her a strong candidate to now contract Leukemia. Up until right before the Molasses Have-Not competition she was still getting medicine intravenously which is why she was so bruised up. She just happened to mention in passing that her bruises had finally gone away and it was this statement alone that lit a teeny tiny ember in Ragan's heart. He wants Kathy to approach everyone and mention that no one has been more beat up in these challenges than her. He wants her to explain to everyone what a true fighter she is. All along he thought she just really didn't want to be there when, in actuality, she might want to be there more than anyone else.

OK I realize I'm getting my charming Kathy Faye all mixed up with the real Dragon Lady and that's my perogative. What I refuse to understand though is how Feedsters who so vehemently supported Matt's "My wife has a disease" lie are the same Feedsters blasting Kathy for using her own very real disease to garner sympathy votes. Uh... hypocrite much? You can't be in favor of Matt using a disease to get votes and not be in favor of Kathy doing the exact same thing! The premise is the same. One just happens to be a lie while the other is a truth. Look, make fun of Kathy all you want for smoking and drinking soda. That's fine, but don't tell me she's being weak for doing the exact same thing your precious Matt is doing. If sympathy works, use it! You use whatever you can to stay in the game. It's overwhelming the hypocrisy I see amongst fans and it really pisses me off.

While I'm good and mad, let's talk about fans calling Rachel a whore. From the behavior I've seen in the house thus far from Rachel, she is not a whore. Sure, she's annoying, repugnant, and makes me wants to strangle kittens on a daily basis, but a whore that does not make. It drives me crazy when women rush to call other women a whore just because they're hooking up and you're not. I said the same thing last year with Lydia. Sure, Jessie was gross and whatnot, but it doesn't make her a whore if she wants to hook up with him. What is it about Big Brother that turns it's fans into a bunch of puritanical radicals better suited for 1692 Salem, Massachusetts rather than the liberated 2010 we're now living in? It happens every season. Cat ladies and chat hags alike get on their moral high horses and blast young girls just trying to having fun. Look, I HATE Rachel with a burning passion that sets my loins ablaze, but I'm not gonna go and call her a whore just because she's hooking up with a guy she genuinely likes. If she gets naked and fucks Brendon violently while winking to the camera, then we'll talk, but until then you might wanna lay off the whore accusations. It only makes you look uptight and jealous.

Alright, where were we? OK so Andrew gave a moronic speech implicating Brendon and Rachel and afterwards Brendon goes around the house and still pledges to keep Andrew in the game. Uh, hello red flag! Brenchel, by reputation, are uber paranoid of anyone who might give a whisper of a hint of being after them. All of a sudden they're named loud and clear in a speech and they're suddenly alright with it? Nuh uh. Not ok. It turns out, and grab your glitter for this one, that Rachel wasn't in the know when it came to Andrew and Brendon secretly working together. *bites fist* She had no idea that it was a plan designed to throw off the other HG's. In the middle of Brendon begging Rachel for forgiveness with baby talk, he says that Andrew threw the POV competition so Brendon would win. Um, exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Andrew, while being on the block, THREW the POV comp?! Oh hell no.

Rachel clenches her teeth and purses her lips. She's furious Brendon actually thought for himself before consulting her. She tells him that she can't in good conscience vote to keep Andrew now. She's already told people she was pissed at him! Brendon grabs her hand and nuzzles her neck, "Don't doubt your man. Gosh you're so feisty." Rachel shrieks, "Feisty?!? What the hell do you mean by that?!" Brendon replies, "No baby, I meant it's cute. You're amazing. You're so great. Don't be mad." Rachel crosses her arms across her chest and pouts.

I took the break in the conversation as an opportunity to retrieve my new torture device. I ordered it online and it just arrived yesterday. I'm very excited about this one. It dates back all the way to Medieval Pillars Of The Earth times so it must be cool. What it is is a giant burlap sack filled with really pissed off rats who haven't eaten for days. I simply insert my leg into one of the holes and let the rats do their thing. It's the most effective way I could think of for not only Sepsus and Typhoid to infect me, but also the Bubonic Plague and a good healthy dose of Meningitis. From now on, anytime Brendon whines or Rachel cackles I just very simply slip an appendage inside the sack and I'm good to go.

After Andrew's stunning speech, the rest of the house is obviously in turmoil. Ragan and Kristen have vowed to save Kathy, but how are Badda-bing reacting? Well, Matt, their tiny leader, attempts to coach Andrew on how to stay in the house. He advises Captain Kosher to approach everyone and even offers up his HOH as a place to do it in. Andrew really had no plans to campaign until Tuesday or Wednesday because he thought Monday was way too early. Andrew's big gripe is that he doesn't want to be controlled. He tells Matt that he sees Kathy being controlled and he doesn't want that to happen to him. Matt corrects him and tells him that Kathy isn't being controlled at all. It's exactly the opposite. She's doing her own thing which, in essence, makes her more of a liability. Matt still very much wants Andrew to stay, but Andrew's shenanigans are making it harder and harder for Matt to legitimately defend him. Andrew's going to have to pull something stunning out of his ass to help switch the house back to his favor.

The rest of Badda-bing is leaning is towards Kathy - especially Hayden and Enzo. Lane is still running scenarios and flip flopping, but he'll most likely vote how his alliance votes. So, for the time being, it looks like Kathy will stay. However, if Andrew manages to work some magic and convince Badda-bing he's the better choice, it can all flip again. With Matt helping Andrew out, anything can happen at this point.

So, who do you guys want to stay now? Andrew with buddy boy Brendon in his corner or Kathy the chain smoking cancer survivor? Will Rachel vote with Brendon or will she vote her own conscience? Are you surprised Ragan flipped and can he flip again at this point? Would you like to reserve my rats in a sack for the next time Brenchel gets HOH? I'm taking reservations as we speak. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Someone Shut That 'Coon Up!

(The title of this blog refers to an animal and is in no way a racial slur.)

She begins her day hiking down to the stream 2 miles away for some fresh water. Lugging giant buckets on her shoulders, Kathy Faye eagerly anticipates her morning cup of Sanka and the long tasty Marlboro 100 she hides in the floorboards for maximum freshness. It's not easy living on the side of a mountain, but she makes it work. "The cancer" may have taken all her cash and healthy vibrant cells, but it will not take away her determination. That squirrel and tree bark she had last night for supper suited her just fine. It keeps her regular and reminds her how warrior women must have lived way back when - roasting meals over an open flame, nothing but the hum of the insects to keep 'em company. Those gals didn't have "the cancer" to contend with. They were healthy husky ladies who didn't need the ease and comfort of a Tudor mansion with central A/C on a hot summer day. If they could it, so could she. She would do it, dammit. Life has thrown her curve ball after curve ball yet she just keeps hitting back harder than the time before. When the letter came telling her she was gonna be on Big Brother 12, she made herself fight back the tears of relief. That $750 a week sure would come in handy. The screen door on the trailer barely survived that bear attack last Fall and the mosquitoes are eatin' her up something awful. She looked up to the heavens and asked Jesus what to do. He speaks to her sometimes you know.... but not this time. The sky answered back with silence and Kathy Faye knew this was one decision she'd have to make on her own. When "the cancer" came a'calling, her buddy Jesus helped her out of a jam on plenty of occasions. His silence now can only mean one thing. He's not thrilled with the prospect of one of his children going on the Big Brother show. That Jameka made him look like an asshole and he's not about to go through that again. Kathy Faye was desperate though. She's got a hard Winter to prepare for and her clothes at this point are nothing but rags. She promised Jesus then and there that she'll do the show, but she won't do bad things to get the prize. If she can make it to the jury, she can buy herself a blanket and a case of Marlboros and that'll be the end of it. She'll make it to Spring with no worries and after that... well, she'll cross those hurdles when they get here. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a hacking cough and a new outlook. Jesus finally answered Kathy Faye's prayers and his answer came in the form of a plan. While Kathy slept and tossed fitfully in her sleep, Jesus whispered that she should expose the red-headed harlot for the two-faced ho bag she is. Now, I'm not exactly sure if Jesus really used the phrase "ho bag", but just go with it. You have to suspend disbelief sometimes in order for my blogs to make any sense at all. Kathy Faye awoke with a renewed feeling of freshness and vibrancy. She took a deep breath (well, as deep as her weathered lungs would allow), threw back her covers, and said to herself, "I can do this. I will do this." With no time to waste, Kathy Faye marched right up to Kristen. Luckily, Kristen was in her human form today. The night before is another story altogether. She got caught in between her frog and human form and all hell almost broke loose. She looked human on the outside, but inside she was all amphibian. She was eating insects and hopping up on the kitchen counter. It was a close call where she narrowly escaped detection.

Kathy approaches Kristen under the guise of being sad and beaten down. They talk about how unfair it is for Kathy to go home when she really hasn't done anything at all to warrant such a drastic step. Kristen nods and sighs offering Kathy a friendly smile. Kathy saw that as her opening so she took it, "You know that Rachel is telling everyone you and Hayden are a showmance and she wants to break you guys up, right?" There. She did it. Whew! Kristen's normally chipper and upbeat face fell into a crestfallen misshapen mass of confusion. Rachel was supposed to be her friend. She defended Rachel. Hayden and Kristen aren't a showmance. Sure, they steal kisses in the night sometimes, but they're not grabbing ass and sticking appendages in various holes under the blankets or anything. Where the hell does that Rachel get off?!

Meantime outside, Bitch Boy is having a raucous session with his abs when he comes to the conclusion that he's just gonna go right up to Kathy and tell her he's voting her out. He doesn't like having the stress of making game decisions looming in the corners of his mind when he's trying to get ripped. He'll just break Kathy's heart and then work on his glutes. That's his plan for the day. Rachel approves of Bitch Boy's plan and decides out loud that next week she needs to get rid of Kristen. Kristen's super cute in a bikini and the fact that she's tight with Hayden means that Brenchel could be losing valuable air time. Best to split them up now and worry about the consequences later. Rachel spent minutes planning her BB12 debut and she's not about to let another pretty girl fuck it all up for her. You see, every night when the clock strikes 9 (BB time), Rachel and Bitch Boy very strategically begin their canoodling sessions. To filmmakers about 5 pm is known as the "magic hour", but to Brenchel it's 9 pm... the time Showtime starts sending their images out to their millions of subscribers. Jeff and Jordan monopolized about 80% of BBAD last year and Rachel's made her mission to get Brenchel up to the 90% mark. She's doing a hell of a job, let me tell ya - which might explain my new "early to bed, early to rise" schedule.

Back inside, Kathy and Kristen are getting ready for the day and Kathy is reminding her that Rachel basically hates her and wants her dead. Kristen doesn't understand where the hate could be coming from. She and Hayden decided early on they'd never be a showmance. They thought it would be bad for game play. Kathy tells Kristen that if she leaves the house, it's up to Kristen to go after Brenchel on her own. If Kathy stays, she vows to put BOTH Brenchel up on the block like that pussy Matt was supposed to do this week. Kathy doesn't mind getting blood on her hands. Shoot, she gets blood on her hands every time she covers a cough. No biggie. Kristen sighs in response and says she hates that she has to be fake now whenever she's around Rachel. Knowing that Rachel is after her makes her wants to convert into a cheetah and claw her eyes out. Staying in her human form is going to be a challenge this week.

Outside Britney is talking with Badda-bing about how strong a competitor Andrew is. So far, he's been in the top 3 in all the competitions. She asks the boys, "Who would you rather go up against in the Final HOH, Andrew or Kathy?" She smacks her head indicating it's a no brainer and that there's no way in hell Kathy's gonna win HOH anytime soon. They all comment on how Kathy just wants to get to the Jury House anyways. She doesn't even care if she wins. She just wants that stipend. Enzo says, "This guy Andrew is friends with everyone. I didn't know this stuff. I'm gonna need to think about this a little more." Enzo's main concern is that he thinks keeping Kathy is a vote for Brenchel. Little does he know, Dragon Lady is busy throwing Rachel under the bus in the other room. Kristen needs to tell Hayden what Rachel is up to and Hayden needs to tell Badda-bing and it's all gotta happen in 4 days. I'm confident Andrew could go home and that weasel Matt will get what's coming to him... disappointment.

Speaking of Mr. Hands Down His Pants... was I right or was I right about him not wanting to backdoor Brendon? I was SO fucking right! It's a gift I was born with, I swear. The world discovered last night via Matt's uber obnoxious DR's that he had NO intention of getting Brenchel out of the game. His target all along was Kathy. The idiocy of his HOH coupled with the fact that he keeps calling himself a "diabolical genius" really makes me hate this kid. He thinks he's playing a game so advanced that no one will ever catch onto him when, in actuality, it's only a matter of time before Badda-bing figures out what he's up to and sends his shrimpy ass home.

Britney, whose game I have yet to figure out, is still outside talking to Badda-bing about Kathy only now she's completely switched gears and is telling the fellas how Kathy approached her saying that since she voted to keep Monet last week, Britney now has to vote to keep her. Lane and Enzo laugh and begin to make jokes like, "Hey Kathy, if you take my whites outta the dryer, I'll vote to keep you in the game." and "Hey Kathy, if you put my dishes away I'll give you a vote." Meanwhile Matt rubs his eyes with his tiny fists (he was sleeping you see) and declares that Kathy is stupid and her logic makes no sense.

Kathy continues to work on Kristen for most of the day while Rachel and Matt come to the conclusion that this house is gonna be fucking boring this week. Tell me something I don't know assholes. Rachel jokes that they should call another house meeting to liven things up. Matt says all the boring footage must be tough to edit.

In the other room Kathy is fretting over losing Hayden as a friend. She loves him like a son and this is where she begins to cry. She wants us to think she's crying over Hayden, but I think she's crying over the prospect of going back to her sweltering tiny cabin where her pet raccoon keeps her up all night scratching on the walls. She has no running water or electricity and it's tearing her up inside knowing that all that waits for her is an ornery raccoon and a couple tins of Spam. She cries for her future. She cries for her past. This life has been hard for Kathy. Watching these young girls in the house with their whole healthy lives ahead of them depresses her. Her 20's and 30's were spent fighting off sexual advances at the police academy and then fighting off "the cancer" with her own concoction of ammonia and bleach. She thought the summer of 2010 would be a nice break from the hell that's become her life. Little did she know it's just be more bullshit to wade through.

I've hated on the Dragon Lady in the past and she's still not my favorite player, but, between her and Andrew, I say we get rid of Andrew. Andrew's annoying and boring and I miss way too many conversations in the house because of his eating habits. If ever Andrew is in a room and is eating, my ass won't be anywhere near it. It's truly disgusting and, like Rachel, makes me want to do vile things.

I think I'm gonna have to wrap this up here. I watched the Feeds ALL DAY yesterday and this blog was pretty much all that happened. One thing Rachel is right about: this week will be boring. Prepare yourselves. The only excitement I can anticipate is maybe Badda-bing officially switching their votes to Kathy. I don't foresee any fights, shouting, or arguments. Websites/blogs promising you drama in an effort to get you to buy Feeds from them are basically just lying to you. No one can predict when or if drama will happen and you're a sucker if you fall for it.

So, what did you bitches think of last night's episode? Did it change your mind about Matt? Who do you want to go home this week? Have you voted yet in my poll? Will Badda-bing figure out what Matt is up to in time to save themselves from certain disaster? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Evil Comes In Many Forms

It's not a well known fact, but the Devil is actually a family man. If you think about it, it really shouldn't be all that shocking. He likes decadence which means he's probably a fan of late nights out at the club, lots of promiscuity, drugs, drinking, and general hedonism which naturally lends way for lots and lots of kids. The problem is keeping up with all of his relatives. Fortunately, I'm always on the hunt and can spot a member of the "Satan Clan" pretty easily. I singlehandedly uncovered Lucifer (Russell Hantz) last Fall and, now, I'm quite sure I've uncovered another member. This one is unlikely and very very evil. He masks himself with a mission for "good", but I know his real mission is to make my life a living hell. He's thin, wiley, quick, a hell of a hunter, has a nose for mischief and if you know Ancient Enochian like I do, then you know that the word "Ragan" actually translates to "major pain in the ass". Double entendre should obviously be noted. I may not be in the house myself, but "major pain in the ass" is deftly hunting me down minute after minute, hour after hour. I try to run. I try to hide. I even traded my tumbler of gin for a can of diet coke to try to throw him off my scent, but he still found me. I may be up against something I'll never be able to destroy. Let's recap, shall we?

Matt has nominated Kathy and Andrew which really makes sense to no one. I'm not even sure it makes sense to Matt. I sometimes wonder if he wants us to think he's got index card after index card of BB schemes hiding in his pants (this explains why his hand is always down there), but really he's just doing random shit in an effort to appear smarter than everyone - like it's all part of some big Master Plan. Matt wants us to think he's nominated Andrew and Kathy under the guise of backdooring Bitch Boy and splitting up Brenchel. If this was the case, he would have just nominated Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface from the start. Even if one won the POV, the other would go home. Boom. Bam. Done. Easy peasy, but nooooo Matt has to perform all these slight of hand tricks with lots of smoke and mirrors where random people become pieces in his own personal fantasy chess game. Whenever I see Matt speak, I always picture him with a top hat and tails. He's pacing back and forth, to and fro, across his "stage" flitting his hands here and there. We don't quite know where to look. We want to catch him doing something, but quite often the performance ends and we're all like "That's it? That's magic? Ummm yeah I want my money back."

So Matt, I want my money back. I don't care for you anymore. I stuck up for your lie, but I'm sorry, I just can't forgive anyone who had the opportunity to split up Brenchel and wastes it getting out someone who's so easy to write about. That someone is Kathy Faye, Dragon Lady Extraordinaire. I first need to say that the POV came and went and, of course, Bitch Boy won so expect the nominations to stay the same. Matt's target is now Kathy. Sure, she's lazy and that voice makes me stab myself in my pancreas, but I don't think I'm ready to see Kathy go yet. I feel like I'm just getting to know her. She's slowly revealing herself to me and I can't help but want to climb inside and swim around for a while. Whenever I'm at a loss for words or struggling to find my way through a story, I know I can always count on Supine Sally to lift me up and take me to places I've never imagined.

*inhale*

You know, sister, I ain't ready to go yet. I've been through hell and back *exhale* and I can tell you stories about things you've never imagined ever existed. *inhale* I've chased a peacock down the Texas Panhandle in the dark of night while a crackwhore named Bertha shouted cuss words to me from her 5th floor walk-up. *exhale* Oh yeah sister, I've performed cavity searches on women with no legs, old ladys with Amazonian jungles in between their legs, and one gal, 'Peanut' they called her, who actually handed me her leg while she undressed. *inhale* Have you ever tried one of them thighmasters? I ordered one off a, one of them, info-mercials they play on the tv. *exhale* That daggum thing almost poked my eye out. It DID poke my cats eye out! I tried doing it standing up and the shit went flying, poor Sprinkles got caught in the crossfire, and $400 later I'm stuck with a cat with one eye. I do like that Suzanne Sommers though. *inhale* Hell of a woman. She had the cancer too, but beat it with fruit juices and some nonsense like that. Not me. I like the hard stuff. *exhale* Stick Pine-Sol in my veins if you gotta. No sissy organic shit for me. *inhale* That Peanut *laughs to self* she just looooved to take that leg off and swat it at the officers. I keep her photo on my dash to remind me: things can always get tougher, but no matter what *exhale* you never let it get you down.

See? I told you. She can be likable... once I get done with her.

OK so the POV didn't go exactly as planned and Matt is in his room smacking the bed and saying over and over again, "This wasn't supposed to happen!" You know, Matt's not a very good actor. It was during his faux tantrums that I realized that he had no intention of getting rid of Brenchel. Brenchel is a duo dumb enough to buy into his lie about his wife. They're votes for him in the Jury House. He'd never be willing to sacrifice a vote. Kathy, on the other hand, well, she doesn't care too much for Mr. Matt. She voted against him once and you can believe she'll do it again.

Matt's big problem now, of course, is Andrew. How do you solve a problem like Andrew? More importantly, how is it that Andrew was actually able to play in the POV? Not only was it a game and a competition on the Sabbath, but it was the "Hold & Fold" POV which, I think, could count as gambling. I'm penning a letter to Israel as we speak. I must get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, Matt is preoccupied with the fact that Andrew really doesn't care for him. Not to get off topic or anything, but isn't Matt a Jew too? Hoffman = Jewish. No? Could Andrew's anger stem from more than just being pissed at the whole pawn scheme? Is Matt not pious enough? I know Jews don't care for tattoos. Our young Matt Hoffman is a tattoed freak. I believe Leviticus and Andrew would have a HUGE problem with that. Of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Not the Leviticus thing, the "Matt is Jewish" thing. Leviticus was one tough bitch though, let me tell you. He was full of all sorts of rules and dietary/sexual restrictions. Leviticus, Levy to his friends, must have been such a buzzkill at parties, but I digress.

Matt's big new plan is to - wait for it - push a tie so he can be the tiebreaker and come to Andrew's rescue. First off, I'd never trust the HG's to vote how you tell them. Switching a vote at the last minute would be a genius way to fuck up Matt's game. That's totally something I'd do. I'd tell Matt I'm voting one way and then I'd vote another just to get revenge on him for keeping Brenchel together. Secondly, Andrew wouldn't care if Matt saved him. He knows how much Matt hates Kathy. He's just the lesser of two evils. Besides, Matt is still a bad Jew (I think). Tie or no tie, that'll never change.

This brings me to Mr. Pain In The Ass himself, Ragan. *sigh* Ragan. Bugs. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. This phony righteous attitude he has is really chapping my ass. I want to know who told him he could be the judge of who's "deserving" enough to be in the game. His big thing now is that Andrew is more deserving than Kathy because Andrew is stronger in the competitions. LOL Idiot. Wouldn't getting out a strong person be, like, I don't know, a smart idea?! Yes, Andrew has proven to be a strong competitor. He's also proven to be the world's worst eater. Hence, therefore, heretofore, I want the asshole gone. Never in my life have I heard anyone eat as loud and as disgusting as he does. He makes the Ragamuffin with a fistful of toffee sound positively saintly. Besides, like most repressed religious men, Andrew is kinda creepy. The only reason he's been quiet for the past few weeks is cuz Rachel told him to his face to stop giving the women the heeby jeebies. No pun intended.

So Ragan is on this mission to save Andrew and this is where our game of cat and mouse began. I was watching Matt in the HOH trying to come up with a way to win back Andrew's love when Ragan enters and turns the conversation into a seminar on Honesty & Integrity. I left that conversation (because my ears were bleeding all over my keyboard) and went downstairs and outside to watch Kathy and Andrew mumble a few words to each other. Kathy was hot on the trail of a Lighter Thief and Andrew was saying that he wouldn't campaign against her. Kathy was sighing and smoking and hinting at there being a much bigger reason as to why she's in this game. She wouldn't say why, but, according to her, she has to stay in the house. I was intrigued. Did she embezzle money from her police station? Did a convict she busted just get released and is now out for blood? My head was swimming with all the possibilities as to why Kathy needed to hide out in the Big Brother house (Surely, they don't get CBS in the pen) when out of nowhere I swear I heard Ragan whisper, "Ha! I found you!" (he was referring to me of course). Ragan saunters into my "Kathy is on the run from something" fantasy and plops right down to, again, teach a course on feeling and understanding. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists in fury.

Out of anger, and only anger, I decided to check in on what Brenchel was up to. I know, I know, why torture myself? It turns out they didn't disappoint. They were canoodling and kissing, of course, which has pretty much pushed my gag reflex to the limit when Rachel whispers that she can't believe how amazing Matt has been to them. Brendon agrees and says that they need to focus on getting more people, like Matt, on their side. Rachel then and there decides not to be mean to Britney anymore. She also decides that Kristen needs to go. Wha, wha, what?!? I thought she and Shapeshifter were good buddies? It turns out that Rachel thinks that Kristen is singlehandedly trying to get all the girls out of the game. You know what I think? I think Rachel is threatened by another couple in the house and she wants to squash it ASAP. Rachel declares she's now going after Kristen. I bit my fist and wondered how to slip a note to Kristen. I was thinking a pigeon might work when out of nowhere I heard a foreboding and suspenseful soundtrack. It was the music you hear when a killer is about to be revealed. Then, the door opens...

"Hey beautiful people! It's me, Ragan! Let's chat!" At home I sat with my jaw on the floor. My heart almost leaping out of my chest, I scrambled to get up and find a crucifix. In my headphones, I heard Ragan put on his big boy voice. It was very low and very deep, but I swear to whatever is holy he said, "You can never run from me.... I'm coming for you... Mwahahaha!" It sent chills down my spine I tell you. Ragan, AKA "Major pain in the ass", has declared war on not only what is good and decently evil BB game play, but on me. Sweet, innocent, charming, devastatingly beautiful me. I've called my Native American healer, my Feng Shui designer, and a very sassy Ecuadorian lady to cleanse my house from top to bottom. I need to find and close whatever evil portal Ragan is accessing me from. There's a tree in the backyard that's always looked at me the wrong way. I think I'll start there.

While I'm running from demons and making sure my ch'i is flowing properly, what do you bitches think Matt is up to? Was Brendon ever his target? Do you want Andrew or Kathy to stay? Can Ragan ever be stopped? How will you hurt yourself if Rachel becomes HOH next week? And exactly how much did you miss me yesterday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

All photos in this blog were taken by me. I didn't have time to label them.