Alright Bitches... I'm back. Can we please discuss the fact that I get more comments when I don't blog than when I do? What the hell is up with that? I hate you all you whores.
Without further ado, we return to the trials and tribulations that have encompassed our fair Big Brother abode...
Like, oh my god, I'm the HOH you guys! Can you stand it? Seriously, I have to fight tooth and nail like everyday. Everyone wants to get between me and my man and it's literally almost too much to take. I've saved everybody in this house. Sure, my hair's greasy and I'm breaking out like a 15 yr old hanging out at McDonald's, but I'm a fighter. I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up (what)/I'm not gon' stop (what)/I'm gonna work harder (what)/I'm gonna make it (what)/I'm a survivor (what)... Brendooooon. I have to say the word "Brendon" once every five minutes or else he ceases to exist. My man is so amazing. Tooth and nail baby. Like, literally, like I deserve some respect for being in the HOH hizzy TWICE. If it weren't for me, none of these people would have made it into the Jury House. Where's my champagne? That Kristen is such a bitch. She looked at me wrong the other day and, like, now I have to kick her to the curb. I'm so amazing. I'll bet America is like, "Brenchel we love you!" Screw that Jeff and Jordan. Amazing Race here I come...
We have a new HOH and I've suddenly acquired a case of the migraines. No joke. She speaks and I'm on the hunt for some Extra Strength Tylenol. I swear by the end of this season I'll have a nasty oxy habit and have to go to rehab or some shit like that. You'll be getting the bill CBS. Alright, so Hyena Fuckface is the HBIC and all of a sudden the house is on it's knees ready to lick her toes. Why, oh why, is everyone so afraid of her? Yes, she looks like she has nits in her hair, but buy some Rid and be done with it. Watching Enzo, Hayden, and Lane kiss her ass is beyond repugnant and that's just how the day began.
Hayden is in the HOH and his first order of business is to throw his nighttime lover under the bus. He tells Brenchel he's not happy with the way Kristen has been handling herself since last night and all I could do was watch in horror. What. A. Pussy. Once I remarked on how strong the brotherhood of Badda-bing was, but no more. Those assholes will do anything short of whacking one another in order to stay in that house. Alliance schmalliance. It's every man for himself. Hayden goes on to say that it actually serves his best interest for Kristen to be in the Jury House. It may not serve Brenchel's, but it sure does serve his. Ok, now why would you even say something like that? WHY?! Why tell Hyena Fuckface and her man what will help you win the game but, at the same time, be a disadvantage to them? I just don't get it. Hayden's a moron. I was ready to like him and forgive him his first week HOH paranoia, but forget it. He's as penisless as Brendon. In fact, this whole damn house is full of vaginas and eunuchs. I sometimes wonder to myself if Badda-bing won't head to Rome after this BB thing is all done and start a choir or something. A good eunuch is hard to come by these days.
Hayden tells Rachel that someone in the house said that she was after a "strong couple" this week. Hayden thinks this means either him and Kristen or Lane and Britney. Rachel wants to know who told him this little nugget of info, but Hayden refuses to name names. Brendon begins to question Hayden and comes to the conclusion that Matt is the one saying Brenchel is after a strong couple. Hayden just shrugs his shoulders, shakes his shaggy mane, and says "I don't know." Brendon says, "It's Matt. I know it's Matt." Hayden just smiles. So basically, in a nutshell, what Hayden has done in the course of 10 minutes is throw his pseudo girlfriend and his brotherhood alliance under the bus.
Then the Feeds went down for a Luxury Competition and, quite frankly, I'm a little pissed about it. It's way too soon to be doing Luxury isn't it? I kinda wonder if Ragan's whining is the reason behind the comp. These assholes got a week of no slop because of Ragan and his constant bitching. Did they get a movie Luxury Comp because of it too? Anyhow, yeah, it was for a movie screening of the new film The Other Guys starring Will Ferrell and Marky Mark. Brendon's team won it I think and Rachel lives to coo another day.
After the Luxury Comp we find Hayden talking to Lane. He's telling Lane that Kristen is definitely going up on the block and that either himself or Lane will be going up opposite her. Brenchel is convinced that Lane threw that surfboard HOH comp (I can't remember from the DR sessions, did he?) and they're on a mission to get rid of "floaters" and keep only the "deserving ones" in the house. Lane is pissed he's being called a floater and says, "Fucking put me up then." Hayden doesn't seem too bothered by it. His main concern is that his lover Kristen will actually win POV. Way to be loyal brah. If Kristen wins POV, then it might be Lane against Hayden and Mr. Mop Head isn't exactly sure if he has enough votes to stay.
Meanwhile the Dragon Lady is up in the HOH begging for her life. She was so hurt and tortured by being on the block last week that she doesn't think she can stomach it another week. That's the whackiest/funniest excuse ever to stay off the block... "I just don't think mentally I can handle it." Kathy goes on to tell Brenchel that she's always been there for them, but last week when she needed them the most they weren't there for her at all. She's got a point. The reason I hated Kathy so much from the getgo was because she was too supportive of Brenchel, but the second she goes on the block they completely disappeared. Brenchel listens to what she has to say and Brendon suddenly speaks up. He's using words like "we" and "us" and "our" when referring to the decision "they" have to make. Rachel begins to get a little annoyed and she, rightfully, reminds him that it's her HOH, not his... which brings me to my Brendonism of the day.
It's like an Adlerism (Jonathan Adler), but it's been Brendonfied. Yesterday Jonathan Adler tweeted this: Don’t neuter your neutrals—a zippy accent color will ignite your beige! Why, thank you Jonathan. I don't know how I existed without your pottery or your gay happy chic. A Brendonism would go something like this: Don't neuter me Rachel - I promise I won't say "we"! *sigh* Brendon is awful. The way he speaks when he's in a position of power makes me lunge for my rat bag. He loooooves to go on and on about how he deserves to be there and how he only sees the good in people and yadda yadda yadda I'd much rather endure a painful case of spinal meningitis than listen to his bullshit. The funny thing is you can totally tell that it annoys Rachel as well. Her eyes glaze over and she lets him ramble on, but inside she's thinking, "I'm HOH not YOU!" I see people on Twitter predicting a Brenchel break up and I just laugh. These two will not break up. Without Brendon, Rachel is all alone. This is why she lets him ramble and lets him think he's got a say in this weeks decision making. They put up with each other's miserable habits just so they're not alone in this world. They'll break up when Big Brother is over and done with (unless, of course, they get cast on The Amazing Race). Brendon will have a strong female fan base and once Rachel turns all green with envy he'll see her for the psycho she truly is. One thing about Jordan, I still think she's a moron who should be riding the short bus to get around town, but she's not jealous. She's blissfully ignorant to the world around her.
Kathy eventually leaves the HOH and now it's Lane's turn. I can pretty much sum up what he had to say in about 3 words... Kristen is bad. He blames everything... cancer, hurricanes, and that bear attack in Yellowstone all on Kristen. No reasons behind why or how she's the mastermind of all the evils in the world. Who needs reasons right? Just unfairly put the blame on the only chick I like in this house and be done with it. I began to drift off into a daydream of CBS showing my blog to everyone in the house. I picture a laptop and horrified faces in the DR. All the HG's read about how I adore Kristen and, in retaliation, they're now after her. That has to be the reason for why this week is so fucking nuts. I refuse to accept any other. I don't understand why people on Twitter don't like her either. Being the selfish and self-serving bitch I am I'm forced to believe it's all a big anti-Colette Lala movement. They're all jealous of me. I just know it. Oh my god... Rachel is rubbing off on me. Send help. Call 911. Take a biopsy. Give me a catheter. Perform whatever medical procedure you need to. I don't care just get her out of me!!!
Speaking of the lovely Kristen, let's just fast forward to the big moment of the day: Kristen in the HOH with Rachel. It took some gentle nudging by Hayden and Kathy, but Kristen finally made her way up to the HOH. Rachel is all dressed in black, half an eyebrow painted on, roots showing, pimples bursting, lips sneering. In walks Kristen... fresh-faced, clear skin, hair sassily twisted up into a casual chignon. Kristen begins by saying she knows that this is all a game and she's not expecting an apology from Rachel. LMAO Delightful! I love it. You can tell Rachel was thinking, "This bitch wanted my apology?" Rachel gets mad and begins to attack Kristen for the way she played the HOH. Rachel didn't like how Kristen kept putting Rachel up against people. Kristen cites that Rachel did the exact same thing to her. For some reason, that fact doesn't register with Rachel. She's only concerned with how she's been wronged. Rachel has such a sense of entitlement that I can't help but wonder where the hell it comes from. I mean, she's not all that pretty, she's fucking annoying, everything that comes out of her mouth sounds phony even when it's not phony, and she's extremely selfish. Maybe she hangs out with bottom feeders who eat out of dumpsters and worship her. I can't imagine Rachel having pretty friends and hanging out with the cool kids. I picture her wanting more of a queen-like role in social situations which is why I'm 95% sure all her partying happens with the lowlifes on the Vegas Strip. Those type of people make Rachel feel important whereas someone with success would only make her feel inadequate.
Anyhow, the conversation continues and Kristen tells Rachel that she was never gunning for her. Rachel was her friend. Kristen is playing a very different game from everyone else and she's not letting emotions rule her decision making. The only time she started to get weird about Rachel was when Rachel started to treat her like shit for no reason at all. It's so true too. All of a sudden Rachel got a whiff of Kristen and Hayden stealing her showmance thunder and she got insanely jealous. People in the house like Kristen whereas Rachel is always everyone's number one target. Kristen begins to talk about how she was Andrew's number one supporter, but when he was on the block last week he never bothered to approach her. He got it into his head that Kristen didn't like him anymore and it all blew up with that ridiculous speech of his. Kristen tells Rachel that Andrew singlehandedly fucked her over big time with his speech. In the matter of 8 minutes on live television everything came crashing down around her. I still can't get over that the reason for Andrew's anger was because Kristen wouldn't console him. I'll bet Andrew had the hots for Kristen but the fact that she was a shiksa coupled with her hooking up with Hayden was just too much for poor crybaby Andrew to bear. Why else would he get so pissed?
Rachel listens to everything Kristen has to say, but every time she responds it always something about Rachel and Rachel's feelings. She truly has a gift. Rachel then openly accuses Kristen of wanting to be the only girl in the house. Kristen admits to maybe being a little jealous of Rachel's friendship with Britney. She felt left out and Kathy just happened to be the only girl who'd talk to her. Kristen also admits to not being really adept in reading when other people are upset with her. She tells Rachel that she never wants to fight with her like that again and that if Rachel has a problem with her then to please let Kristen know so they can avoid the catty bitchiness.
The conversation went on forever and I'm in a little bit of a hurry this morning. In a nutshell, Kristen told Rachel that if Rachel keeps her safe this week, she'll keep Rachel safe next week. Tit for tat. That's how Kristen rolls. Kristen knows that Rachel is strong and that's actually why Kristen respected her in the first place. She even considered going to Final 2 with Rachel because it'd be a hell of a competition between two tough broads. I may or may not have added the "tough broads" part. Kristen admitted to liking Hayden, but said that they weren't hooking up at night with Andrew in the room. LOL Naughty Kristen. OK so she told a little white lie. I forgive her. I like her so I'm gonna defend her.
In the end, it was all for naught. Rachel nominated Kristen and Hayden. Not only did she nominate them, but in her nomination speech she told the entire house to "bring it on" and come after her and her man. What. A. Fucking. Idiot. The speech was so bad that we were treated to Brendon reprimanding Rachel for almost 10 solid minutes without interruption. Rachel just stared at him with her one painted on eyebrow and her roots glistening. Brendon demanded that she go down and apologize to everyone. Her behavior is beginning to fuck with his game and I think one of his balls started to descend but I can't be sure. Eventually, Rachel walked out on Brendon and begrudgingly offered the house a half-hearted apology. She said her emotions got the best of her and she did it for TV. Did it for TV? God, I hate her.
I missed the late night stuff and this morning has been crazy so I'm gonna end this here. I had some computer/wireless issues so please forgive my lack of screencaps. I'm on a friend's laptop and was forced to write this without my notes. The good news is that for the next few days, the blog should be somewhat back to normal. My full attention will be on Big Brother and this blog. I just want to thank you all for being so supportive and continuing to come back everyday. It's been a difficult month and I hate that I've missed days blogging. You have no idea how much it annoys me. Thanks for sticking with me. I really do appreciate it.
So, how hard are you rooting for Kristen to win the POV? If the noms stay the same, who do you think will go home? Who will Hayden throw under the bus today? What should the name of the Big Brother Eunuch choir be? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!