Saturday, August 29, 2009

Who "Got Got" Now Bitches?

No one is allowed to leave their houses today. If you live in a city, I advise you to stay away from any and all skyscrapers. If you live out in the suburbs, be very careful as you drive along your peaceful roads. Bodies will be flying off the the highest buildings and suburban moms will be hurling themselves in front of automobiles. I, on the other hand, am throwing an opium party with a naked leprechaun as the guest of honor. Ladies and Gentlemen, the duo that is Jeff and Jordan is no more! You've only got 5 more days to bask in their idiocy and mediocrity so I suggest you suck it up and enjoy it while you can. How did we get to this pivotal moment in BB11 history? Let me walk you through it.

The day began with Jordan foaming at the mouth over a luxury competition. Bitch wants to win something and she wants to win it now. Well BB, loving all things Jordan, gave into her demands and we got the Pandora's Box Luxury Competition. From what I can gather, Kevin went behind the door of secret delights and was given the option to keep a prize for himself or share it with the whole house. He chose to share it with the house and subsequently stuck his hand in a box where something grabbed him and handcuffed him. While he was trapped he was able to see on a tv screen that money began to rain down in the backyard. He yelled for someone to come save him. Everyone was outside trying to gather money and only Ragamuffin wondered where Kevin was.

Ragamuffin ran upstairs and to find Kevin and he told her that she had to find a key to rescue him. She ran downstairs to look for the key and ran into Jeff. Jeff asked her what was upstairs and she lied to him telling him that the door was locked. Ragamuffin was under the impression that the key was something magical and she wanted it for herself. Jeff didn't believe her and went upstairs anyways. He found Kevin trapped and Kevin told him to find a key. Jeff and Ragamuffin scoured the house for a key and Jeff found it behind a pillow (in the DR I think). He released Kevin and Kevin was able to partake in the money free for all. Keep in mind we didn't see any of this. This is what I think happened from the HG's descriptions.

After it was all said and done the speculations ran rampant. Jeff wanted to know why Natalie lied to him. Jordan wondered if she got to keep her money. And Kevin acted like there was more to come. Apparently, it was $10,000 that rained down from heaven above, but Natalie, knowing everything about everything, insisted that there was NO WAY that was $10,000. Jordan agrees with her and begins to hypothesize that they can trade in their money for safety. Jeff is insistant that the key was worth more than just saving Kevin. It was very annoying and very confusing listening to these bitches guess and speculate all day long.

Jeff kept bugging everyone wanting to know what Pandora is and what her box meant. For the record, from Mythica, "In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".

When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope."

Personally, I don't think the key Jeff found means squat. I think it was meant to give the HG's the option to take time out of money grabbing to rescue Kevin. Kevin chose to "unleash" the money onto the house and, for him, it was bad because he was locked up. I don't know. That's just my guess. Although I will say that knowing what I know now about how the POV went I wouldn't be surprised at all if suddenly that key Jeff found came with a super special power. More on this later.

After all the Pandora mayhem died down the HG's were gathered in the kitchen. Kevin talks to Michele about what she would do next week if she won HOH. He’s feeling her out in front of everyone and I can't help but think it's planned to make her look foolish. You know I'm all about that so I lit some candles and loaded up my pipe.
Natalie instigates a convo with Michele where she discusses the possibilty of Michele going on the block. Eventually Jeff and Jordan walk in and I become more certain that it's all for show. It went something like this:
Natalie, “Just beause you go up doesn’t mean you’re going home.”
Natalie straight up tells Michele she doesn’t trust her.
Natalie says, "I know 100% you would put up me and Kevin and if you say otherwise you’re lying." She then brings up how Michele went back on her word to Chima.
She mentions how Michele told everyone in the HOH, “If anyone believes what I say you’re stupid.”
Keep in mind she's doing this all in front of Jeff and Jordan. She's lulling them into a peaceful state of perceived safety with her evil Ragamuffin hypnotic powers.
Natalie continues, “You put me and Chima up when you swore on your husband that you wouldn’t do that. You broke your word so how can I believe anything?”
Natalie, “Kevin is my friend and I’m looking out for him”
Michele, “If I go home this week I go home. I lost”
Natalie, "My opinion, in front of the whole house, is you go on the block”
Natalie, “You said if I win I’m putting Kevin and Natalie up right?”
Michele, “Yeah”
Natalie turns to Kevin, “Well then, beat her to the punch!”
Natalie, “It’s not a secret. Everyone knows what I want, but I’m not HOH”
Kevin, “I do want to hear your thoughts Michele before nominations. I don’t know where your head is at. “
Michele, “I fully expected to be on the block. That’s why I didn’t eat or sleep last night”

Oh shut up Ass Licker. I hate you. You didn't eat or sleep last night because you were busy sending me evil death stares while you sobbed and felt sorry for yourself.

Jordan jumps in out of nowhere and asks to talk to Kevin upstairs. Jordan says she knows she's going up, but she wants to have a one on one with Kevin.

Jordan and Kevin are in the HOH and Jordan says, "You’re acting funny I think. You seem nervous.” She says she assumes she’s going up with Michele because Kevin made a deal with Jeff. Kevin says, “You do know that you are not my target?” He goes on to tell Jordan that this week most likely the HOH will end up deciding who goes home. He thinks the vote will be tied and he'll be the ultimate decision maker. Jordan keeps bringing up the deal he made with Jeff and I begin to wonder who she's playing this game for: herself or Jeff? Would she really risk losing $500,000 for some dude she's known for 6 weeks? I wouldn't do that for someone I've known for 6 years, but ,then again, I'm a heartless bitch who smacks around a drunken little person.

Kevin says, “I know that you and Jeff have a tight bond, but I want you to know that I treat you two as two different people.” He says that with POV Natalie could definitely still be going home (If he were to nom Jeff and Michele and Jordan won POV, Nat could go home) and his mind is on that right now. He says, “If I put you and Jeff on the block and the veto is a brain thing I would fuck myself because Michele would win.” Jeff walks in and sits down.

Kevin says “Anything I do is not personal. I’m making a very conscious effort not to make a personal decision. Michele came to see me and, by the way, she threw you under the bus.”
Jeff replies, “That just shows what type of person she is.”
Kevin asked Michele who she’d put up and she said she’d put up Kevin and Jeff. She's such an idiot. She should know better than to tell someone to their face that she'll put them up. She needs to learn the art of telling someone what they want to hear.
Jordan puts down the brick of cream cheese she's gnawing on and says how Michele said they should fight for veto together.
Kevin, says, “I do think that she is a very real threat in this game.”

Kevin says Michele was a genius as a child and put into special classes when she was a kid. He makes note about how she got her PhD at the age of 26. I was one of those genius kids too, but look at me now. I take pictures and make up leprechaun stories. Skipping two grades as a kid will fuck a kid up. Do you have any idea what it was like being the last chick in her class to get her license? It was great! I was never the designated driver and I spent many a night drunkenly fumbling in the backseat of other people's cars with boys from the prep school. Good times.

Jeff chimes in saying, "Yeah that’s a reason to send her home. I don’t trust her at all. I don’t tell her anything ever since the Russell thing.”
Kevin says that he firmly believes that Michele was onboard with Russ to get J/J out. He also thinks Michele thinks J/J are dumb and she can beat them in the end.
Jordan, “I know if she wins next week, she wants you out. She thinks me and Natalie are dumb.”
Kevin says he still wants to talk to her because he can’t figure her out.
Kevin says he’ll have to go off what she says and she says some pretty salacious stuff. Jordan sits and wonders what "salacious" means.

Kevin tells Jeff he is 100% safe, "Natalie has promised me that she will not evict you... The bad news is you’re going to be nominated.” Kevin tells him that he’s not going to essentially give his power to Jeff this week and let him dictate what Kevin does. Oh I love that! Kevin says the heart of the deal they made was to keep Jeff safe. Kevin says, "What I’m doing is keeping you safe and keeping my control." I smacked Mr. O'Shaugnessy on the ass and stroked my unicorns horn.

Jeff gets all pissy and says, “How can I trust you now? Well I’m gonna play for the veto.” Jeff basically throws a little boy tantrum and gets pissed saying he can’t believe Kevin is going back on his word. Kevin says it would be incredibly stupid for him to hand Jeff all the power. Jeff says he had a free ride to the final 4 and now he regrets taking Kevin off the block. Jeff wants to know what Natalie will do if she wins the veto. Kevin says she’ll keep noms the same and so will he. Jeff will be safe. Kevin is honoring the meat of their deal which was to keep Jeff safe. Jeff stomps his foot and pouts that he "got got". Kevin says he’s not going to be stupid like Marcellas. He won’t go out that way.

OK Jeffy Pooh why don't you acknowledge that Kevin made a good play? I mean, isn't that what you demanded Russell do? Let's call a spade a spade here and cut the bullshit. Jeffy Pooh, YOU GOT GOT! AHAHAHA!!!

The nomination cermony takes place and Michele and Jeff are on the block.

I forgot to mention that Natalie is back to being in Super Ragamuffin Mode. She's running all over the house drooling and snarling spreading her lies. She talks nonstop and is working overtime. I've noticed a pattern with her. When Natalie is safe and in power is when she goes into Super Ragamuffin Mode. I prefer Natalie when she's threatened and has to fight for herself. I'm rooting her on at this point, but when she spends all day yammering and cramming chips into her mouth I must admit I get a little annoyed. Power suits some people (like me!) but it does not suit the Ragamuffin.

Natalie is in full on pestering mode and she tells Kevin that Michele already told Jordan she’s going after Natalie and Kevin next week. All day Natalie has been hinting that they should get rid of Michele. Strategically, it's not a bad move, but getting rid of Jeff would be better. As much as it pains me to say it, I think I want Michele to stay this week. I know, I know, what the hell am I talking about? Look at this from my perspective... Michele is blog gold. I can make fun of her forever. Jeffy Pooh is boring and trying my last nerve, but Michele and her breakdowns are pure comedy.

You guys have got to see the BEST screenshot I've ever captured in the history of screenshots. I should get a big award for how genius this is. This has not been manipulated in any way. This is what I saw on my screen. Now tell me that doesn't remind you of Maryane from True Blood:

Kevin disagrees with Natalie and says, “The more and more I think about it Jeff has to go.” Uh oh... a chubby menopausal woman just landed on my front door step. She jumped out of a plane I think. Can someone come over and please remove her? She's starting to smell.

All day long BB was building something outside. Natalie thinks it can’t be dates or a memory wall since they’re building something. I HATE it when the HG's try to guess what's going on and make up crazy explanations as to why they feel the way they do. Jordan is the queen of this. You'll see later how she comes to the most random conclusion about competitions.

Natalie tells Kevin that Michele is going after them no matter what. She says if Jeff wins he’ll go after them too. Kevin is getting too confused and he shouts, “Fuck! Now you just made me flop to Michele.”
Natalie says, “Jeff is coming after us too, but Michele is dumb enough to vocalize it.” Jesus Ragamuffin. Who the hell do you want out? Jeff or Michele. Make up your mind cuz you can't have both.
Natalie is insistant that HOH next week means nothing and that it’s all POV. This is probably just her way of excusing herself if she loses again.

Kevin and Natalie turn their conversation into all things lighthearted and proceed to laugh about how they were the architects of Russell’s eviction. It's true. They were. Even Jeff said that he told Julie he put Russ up because of what other people were saying. Kevin says, "Jeff’s biggest mistake was winning HOH last week." He should have let Kevin win last week, then Jeff would win this week, and then he could easily get rid of Natalie or Kevin. What Kevin says is true. Jeff fucked up. That Coupy Dee Tatty power went to his head and he got power hungry. His megalomaniac ways really shocked me and it's not surprising they completely fucked up his game. Many of you may have thought he was pretty to look at, but his appeal ends there. He played like a moron and he believed the wrong people. I can only applaud the manipulators and point and laugh and that one who "got got".

The Terribly Terrific Twosome discuss all the scenarios for who would go up depending on who wins HOH. Nat comes to the conclusion that HOH next week is indeed important. She has to win it to ensure they are both safe. Well, good luck with that Ragamuffin. Personally, I'd love to see her win and finally shut up all the people who mock her for losing all the time. Sure she's lost, but she's still here isn't she? Russell won a lot and Jeff won a lot... look where they are now.

Kevin goes on to say, “He [Jeff] honestly thought I was going to give him another HOH and let him control me.” LOL Jeff's ego played tricks with his mind. That episode of CHARMED was right. Pride is most difficult evil to get rid of. Kevin concludes “We lulled him into thinking we would be stupid enough to do that. That was awesome of us.” Awww come here Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Give me some sugar. He loves to stick his face in between "the girls". Motorboat away my precious.

Well, I'm in a good mood now. It turns out BB was in a good mood too. One of my favorite BB past times is when the BB crew scares the HG's. I fucking love it! The all time best scare was Josh from BB9. Who can forget when Big Brother scared the bejesus out of him in his undies. Please to enjoy:

The merriment has made it's way into BB11. This time BB dressed up like aliens and tried to scare Jordan over and over again. Unfortunately, the feedsters never really got a close look of the aliens, but the HG's had fun trying to catch them and here are some photos of the silliness:

While everyone was having fun trying to find aliens, Michele, the ultimate buzzkill, was preparing for another breakdown. Mr. O'Shaugnessy I need you! Bring me my opium and get your little ass under the desk. OK is everyone ready? I know I am. Let's begin.

Michele overheard Jeff and the others joking around about Pandora's Box. Jeff was calling everyone liars including Michele while he speculated that Kevin knew more than he was letting on. Michele heard the "liar" part and that was all she needed. The voices went to work. She began to shuffle about the house talking to herself and making faces. A little faster Mr. O'Shaugnessy!

She went into her pseudo padded room and proceeded to initiate the waterworks. It's got bubble wrap on the wall so I think it totally counts. She begins to mutter, "I have to win the veto. I have to win the veto."

I began to feel the immense pleasure that only a leprechaun could give me and then it happened. Dear god... it happened.

*kicks Mr. O'Shaugnessy where it counts, throws the opium pipe at the window, and flees behind the couch* What in the name of all that is holy is she looking at?!? Make her stop. Please god make her stop.

Gah! Where did I put my holy water? *tears through my box of potions and notions* Where did I put that damn holy water I stole from church? Her head is gonna to start spinning at any minute and the power of Christ is compelling me to take action.

Oh no... nothing good can come out of a face like that. Nothing good at all. She's plotting something. My death perhaps?

OK I'm just going to block those terrible images out of my mind and get on to what you all want to know about.... the midnight POV. Yes, last night there was a POV competition and it was the infamous morphing comp. The cameraman clued feedsters in on it early by focusing and refocusing on the memory wall. Kevin and Natalie actually studied the wall beforehand and cleverly put playing cards over parts of the HG's faces in order to study their features. Michele had studied the wall in the past and she spent her pre POV time taunting me and counting things. Jeff and Jordan, on the other hand, layed in bed scratching each other and talking about how they hope they get to keep their money. You dumb fucking twits!

Lo and behold, Michele wins POV. I don't know whether to be happy or not at this point. Jeff or Jordan will definitely be going home this week and that's party worthy, but Michele will be smug and that's hot poker worthy. So yeah, Ass Licker is a winner and she gloats and makes fun of Jeff for not studying the memory wall. Natalie and Kevin feign happiness and congratulate Michele. I have a feeling they're feeling much the same I am. They're happy to split up Jeff and Jordan, but they're pissed Michele gets to gloat. Natalie and Kevin want some gloating time too so they tell Michele that it was their plan all along to get rid of Jeff. Smart kiddies. Set yourself up to be in her good graces next week.

This may surprise everyone, but Natalie actually almost won. She beat Jordan by 6 seconds. I think it's better she didn't win. Let Michele do the dirty work of removing herself. If Natalie had won and didn't remove Jeff, then everyone would just be pissed off at her and that wouldn't serve her well in the future. So bask in your loss Ragamuffin. It's the best possible outcome for you.

Jordan, wallowing in sadness and idiocy, tells Jeff she'll tell everyone to vote her out so Jeff can stay. What a stupid cunt. What the hell is she doing in this game? She's going to risk a half a million dollars for a guy she won't even fuck. Poppycock! Jeff tells her to stop being ridiculous and try to win the damn game so she can buy her mom a house. He tells her to study and study hard and to make a deal with Natalie and get her ass into the Final 3.

Jeff knows he got got, but will he admit it? Will he go out with grace and dignity and admit that Natalie and Kevin made a good move? I'm not sure. He's pretty bitter right now and rightly so, but after a week of preaching to Russell over how it's all just a game I wonder if he'll be setting off my hypocradar this week.

In addition, is Allison Grodner thinking up new powers to give to Jeff? Is she scrambling to keep him in the game? I hope not. He got got and now he's got to go home.

My only hope for this week is that Jordan gives Jeff a sympathy fuck. That would please me immensely. It's her only way of redeeming herself to me at this point. Actually, I'd also like to see Jeff and Jordan campaign against each other. That would be fun I think. I doubt it'll happen, but a girl can dream.

So that's where we're at? Are you guys all freaking out Jeffy Pooh is going?. Are you taking your anger out on me? What the hell was up with my blogs getting only 1 comment each yesterday? You made Mr. O'Shaugnessy cry. I get thousands of hits here everyday and only a handful of you ever make comments. Well, that is coming to an end today. Anyone can leave a comment and they can leave it anonymously (it's always been this way). I want every single one of you to apologize to Mr. O'Shaugnessy and tell him something complimentary. He's punching himself in the face right now - he learned it from Michele - and it's breaking my heart. He needs love people. Please don't let him down.

Keep voting for BBTop50! We're back in the #1 spot thanks to all those hormonal baby makers I think, but that doesn't mean you should stop voting. The other evil sites get all pissed off that a foul mouthed leprechaun owner is at the top so I'm sure they're rallying their troops right now.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Sashay, Chante! Chante, Chante, Chante! Part 2

If you're arriving here late today, this is Part 2. Please go to the post before this to read Part 1.

OK so you caught me. I really wanted to do a two parter today only because I had another great scarf photo I wanted to use.

Alright kids, let's check back on Michele and see how she's doing.

Oh come on! She's in the fetal position now? Hmmm, why isn't she wearing her hooker heels? She always wears her black plastic hooker heels with that dress. Maybe that's why she's so sad and not feeling herself today. Oh fuck it, I don't care what is wrong with her anymore. I want her to cut this shit out so I can move on to a more fabulous topic.

Yikes! That's not a good angle is it? Finally, Michele gets up and goes to the bathroom to no doubt shove her fist up her ass and make herself feel better. And thank god for that. I'm so bored with her at this point.

Back in the Red Room (where all the mattresses have been moved to), Natalie is already running Kevin's HOH. She tells him to nominate Jeff and Michele. The plan is to tell Jeff that he is the pawn, but really they're going to evict his ass. Start stabbing yourselves in the eye this week Jeffy Pooh's fans. Its' not going to be a pretty week for you at all.

Ragamuffin does stop to wonder if actually it would be better to get out Michele this week. She knows next week will be a mental challenge and Michele is good at those. Maybe she should go home now? Kevin tells her that Jeff is a double threat. He's good at both mental and physical and he's the better choice. Kevin wonders if maybe they can make a deal with someone. Natalie says there's no way they can make a deal with Michele. A deal with her means nothing. Kevin tells Natalie she HAS to win HOH next week. Fat chance of that happening. Ragamuffin couldn't win an HOH if it sat on her face.

Michele finally emerges from the bathroom and Jordan asks her why she's crying. Michele says it's because she's going on the block and I punched Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the balls. I'm sorry. I had to. It was an involuntary reflex. Michele puts on her best fake smile, looks in the mirror, and prepares to smear liptstick all over her face. Unfortunately, BB calls Michele to the DR before we can witness the magic.

Over in the Red Room Jeff says how he wants to get drunk and then he launches into making fun of Jordan. Apparently, all of the cups during the comp had holes in them and Jeff kept screaming to Jordan that she had a hole in her cup, but she kept ignoring him. He tried to tell her she had to cover up her hole, but she wouldn't listen to his shouts of, "There's a fucking hole in your cup!" and she made him mad. Jordan just layed there quietly wondering if there was any tartar sauce in the fridge.

Jeff, still thinking that he's king of the house, goes on to attack Michele. He says he was shocked at her performance in the HOH. He says, “I don’t think she was giving her all [in the HOH]. I thought she’d put up a better fight than that.” Jordan tells them that she's crying in the DR and they all laugh and say how she's been crying a lot lately. HAHA!

Jordan says she'll need a "rubber" later and Jeff's ears perk up a little. Turns out she's talking about how she needs a person to rub her not a prophelactic. Natalie says her "rubber" Jessie is gone and Jeff says Jessie is probably using plenty of rubbers in the jury house. Ragamuffin drooled a little and spat in Jeff's face. Jordan asked if the jury house would really have condoms in it. Jeff says, "Fuck yeah! They're all probably jerking off too." I told you Jeff has choking the bishop on his mind. I'll bet the one thing he wants most in the world right now is a good long session of self-love. Boy is ready to explode.

The conversation turns back to Michele and Kevin says how Michele threw too many people under the bus too many times and now she needs to go. Good Fabulicious. Lull Jeff and Jordan into a state of contentment. Put a spell over them and make them think they're safe. Jeff jumps in and says, "I don't do Michele anymore. I'm done with her." Kevin sees his chance to win Jeff's trust and says how he believes Russell when he said that Michele was just using Jeff and Jordan to get to the end of the game. He tells them how if Michele gets to the Final 3 with Jeff and Jordan that she'll definitely get to the Final 2 and could very well win the game.

Ragamuffin chimes in and tells them how Michele has made a calendar with her birth control pills. Jeff says, "Good. Then let's get her outta here." Kevin goes on to say that Michele lies to everyone all the time and Jeff jumps in mocking Michele and her stupid stories. I poured myself another glass of gin and tickled Mr. O'Shaugnessy's balls. You don't know pure joy until you've heard a leprechaun giggle. Jeff and Jordan warn Kevin for the annoyance that is Michele. They tell him how she constantly tries to work an HOH and is always up in the room lurking about. They tell him she'll be up there constantly talking shit. Ragamuffin pipes up and says the anger Jeff had for Russell is the anger she has for Michele.

Jordan jumps in and tells Natalie how Michele tried to tell her that Natalie was after Jeff and Jordan (which is true). Natalie says, "Why would I tell Michele anything?" Jeff expresses how he's really furious how Michele would come up to him and lie to him about Russell. They talk about how Russell would try to use the "faggot" and "gay" remarks to win Kevin over. Jeff decides to go ahead and tell Kevin what Russell said after the chicken/egg comp. Jeff tells Kevin how Russ said, "That fucking faggot! I can't believe that fucking faggot won a no talent POV!" Last time Jeff told that story he used the word "homo". After Jeff didn't want Jordan to tell Russ she knew about the story and now he changes the wording, I'm wondering if Russell ever really said those things. The feeds were down when it supposedly took place so I guess we'll never know.

Kevin says it was amazing to him how Russell tried to use the gay card to win him over. He says, "He must think I'm so simple to fall for that." Oh Kevin, I just want to squeeze you and take you shopping for more pedal pushers.

They go back to talking about the HOH comp and Jeff is kissing Kevin's ass telling him how great he was. Jeff starts to laugh at how everyone was all falling down. He loves it when people fall down. He loves that shit. I'll bet he loves it when dads get smashed in the balls with a baseball bat on America's Funniest Home Videos too. Kevin starts to talk about how he's always saying how cute Jeff is in the DR and how he hopes his Boyf doesn't get mad. He says he really wanted to say that Jeff "looked like he knew how to handle a hose" but he refrained because of his Boyf. Jeff cracks up and says his Boyf probably thinks it's all really funny. Kevin says he hates it when the DR tells him to be funny. Funny just happens. You can't force it.

They all try to guess what Kevin's Boyf looks like and Kevin tells him that he's Mexican, has jet black hair, and is as white as Jeff. Jeff says his HOH will probably be really emotional and Kevin assures him that it won't be. They ask Kevin how he met his Boyf and you can tell it's a really good story... UNFORTUNATELY, Kevin refuses to tell it. He told someone he met him at Banana Republic but then he started to say something about Jehovah's Witnesses and he just says, "I really don't want to talk about it."

Michele finally emerges from the DR and she skips into the kitchen all giddy and begins to talk to the stove. Ummm I'll have some of what Michele is having. I'm so convinced that there is a fully stocked pharmacy just adjacent to the DR. A man in white scrubs sits there with a mask over his face. He looks the HG's up and down, pauses to think for a minute, and then doles out little capsules of goodness. I want one of those too!

After what seems like forever Kevin finally gets his HOH and his Boyf is a hot piece of Latin ass. He looks just like Enrique Iglesias and Ragamuffin and Pork Chop Betty are in love. They don't shut up about how hot he is. Rump Roast Mary says, "I wish he wasn't gay!" Kevin gets Twinkies (to which Kevin said, "I love twinks and Twinkies!"), Hamburger Helper, Cheetohs, Axe body wash, tons of fruit, new sandals, a pimped out Kanye West style Japanese hoody, and a new scarf! His CD is Enrique Iglesias and they all laugh. Ragamuffin demands he check out his fridge and inside there is fried chicken, sushi, and Mike's Hard Lemonade. Kevin doesn't really drink so he wonders why it's there. Ragamuffin blurts out that she put it on her list so it must be for her. Kevin says she can have them all. How they don't know she's not 18 at this point is a mystery to me.

Then we get to the BEST HOH letter reading ever. Kevin opens is letter and is surprised and shocked it's so long. It starts out, "Hello Kevin, my love..." That's all it took. Kevin is a weepy mess, I'm a weepy mess, all the other chicks watching are weepy messes. I wrapped myself in a chenille scarf and dabbed at my eyes with a silk hanky while Kevin read his letter. His Boyf tells him how it's been a challenge being without him this long. They've never been separated for this length of time in all the 9 years they've been together. He tells him how when he goes to the movies he misses not being able to hold his hand and whisper to him when something exiciting happens. All of their friends go over to his house to watch Big Brother every week and Kevin is really shocked at this. He's so humble and so sweet and so genuine and I just want to dip him in chocolate and eat him up. His Boyf tells him to keep his genuine essence that made him fall in love with him and my tears soaked my chenille.

*climbs up on soapbox*

It's so amazing to me that the state of California can deny these two lovely men who are so obviously madly in love with each other the privilege of marriage. They are no different from a heterosexual couple. They just want to be in love and get married and maybe one day have a family. To deny anyone an official marriage union is completely barbaric to me. I think several years from now we'll all look back on this time in our history in much the same way we look back at the Civil Rights movement. We'll wonder why we ever thought that way and why we ever thought it was right to keep a certian group of people down. It'll be something our country will be embarassed about and people will one day teach their kids that homosexuals are no different than heterosexuals. I wish that day were today, but until then I urge you all to take a stand and oppose legislation like Prop 8. I, for one, will be marching in Washington this October to oppose the inequalities afforded the LGBT community in this country.

*climbs off of soapbox*

OK so my lovely clip girl (and birddog1) came through and you can all witness the loveliness for yourselves. Please to enjoy:

Later in the evening Michele is in the HOH with Kevin telling him how all she's wanted all along was Natalie out of the house. She confesses she wanted the Ragamuffin out based on purely personal stuff. Kevin tells her how that's not a really smart way to play the game. They both talk about Russell and how he talked shit to both of them. She chews her face and tells Kevin how she's only said nice things about him and how great he is and blah blah blah my screen got soaked from shooting at her image with my squirt gun. Kevin tells Michele that everything this week may ride on the POV and that he may end up having to break a tie in the end. He tells her that he knows that if Jeff is in the Final 2 he'll definitely get America's vote. Good point, but don't tell her that!

Kevin tells Michele that he hasn't made up his mind yet and that he could even nominate Natalie. Michele jumps in saying how Natalie has been protected by someone throughout this whole game. Kevin tells her he has to talk to Jeff and Jordan still, but that it's looking it's between Jeff, Jordan and Michele.

Ragamuffin goes marching up to the HOH and tells Kevin how Jeff was worried Michele was throwing them under the bus. Ragamuffin tells Kevin to make Jeff think he's a pawn and that if Kevin wins POV he'll take him off the block. Kevin gets confused and asks if the plan is still to get rid of Jeff. Ragamuffin has been thinking that maybe Russell was right after all and maybe they should go after Michele this week. Keep in mind that Natalie just came out of the DR. I smell something stinky and I'm thinking it's BB's stupid ass messing with the game. Don't get me wrong I'll be pleased as punch to see Michele go, but I want the decision to be made by Kevin and Natalie NOT by BB.

Down in the Red Room Jeff is confident he is not going on the block and Jordan is telling him how she got scared in the comp because Jeff was yelling at her. She tells him she was pooped after 4 laps and knew she'd never win. She was pooped because she had a rack of lamb sitting in her stomach.... that's why she was pooped The rest of the night is spent with mindless chit chat and Jordan won't shut up about he she wants to win clothes in a luxury competition. Oh please Jordan. You know you want to win a endless chain of sausages instead.

Today expect to see Jeff and Michele on the block. It all comes down to POV this week. If Jeff wins, Kevin and Natalie will feign joy and just go ahead and get rid of Michele. If Jeff or Michele don't win POV, I expect the weekend will be spent flipping back and forth over who is the best one to send home.

Super special shout out to angelface041206, kfort78, MOsborne05… if I forgot you I did it on purpose… how else am I gonna get you bitches to keep coming back everyday? ;)

A little note to MissJavaGirl: Yes, I must insist you wrap yourself in all things SURVIVOR (and all of your little - well, maybe not so little - baby making friends too). Trust me. You will enjoy it and my blogs will only be the icing on the cake. You'll be talking all things tribal council by the time I get done with you. You are to blame for all the crazy hormonal pregnant women stalking me day and night so you owe me. Now go get yourself some Krispy Kremes and some pickles and have a party. New blog posts are going up at the Bitchy Survivor Blog everyday. I'm currently analyzing the cast members and making fun of them so a good time will be had by all.

JoCaPa I heart you for that new thread you started. Only now I'm spending way too much time over at that damn Baby Center. If I catch pregnancy from you ladies, I'm gonna pissed! ;)

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It's Official. We Are In The Bell Jar.

Everyone better be wearing one of these today... The Scarfed One is in charge bitches! Grab your most delicious, your most intricate, your most finely woven, your longest, your fringiest (is that a word?) scarf and work it. When you're strutting down your city streets today I want you to be working it. Sashay, Chante. Chante, Chante, Chante! I have to admit it. I feel reenergized this morning. I feel light and airy and full of new metaphors. Things were getting a little stale, but this bitch got her mojo back. Get ready for some fun.

Before I get ahead of myself. Let's discuss that live show last night. Our favorite vertically challenged meathead is gone and he went out with class. His speech was generous, sweet, and, to be quite honest, a little weak. You know I'm all about the drama so, yes, I was a little disappointed the Love Muscle didn't spew more venom. Although... since he was so nice and friendly spreading joy to children everywhere, Jeff and Jordan came off as totally bitter sore winners. Their goodbye messages were rude, childish, and moronic. Why "moronic", you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Who the fuck berates an outgoing jury member when you're down to the Final 5? Those bitches should be KISSING HIS ASS and licking his taint to get his jury vote NOT insulting him and pissing him off. Natalie and Kevin knew what was up. They served up some humor wrapped in compliments and delivered it to Russell on a shiny silver platter. Smart move Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. Nice to know at least some people have their head in the game.

All a Twitter was, well, it was all a twitter last night with rumors flying over what could Julie Chen possibly mean that "more surprises" were coming. Someone started a rumor about a magical door to earthly delights in the HOH room. I pictured a giant door out of Willy Wonka where once it was opened a colorful secret world was unveiled complete with oompah loompahs. If there are oompah loompahs on this season, then this is the BEST Big Brother ever! Well, I used my Nancy Drew detective skills and I've unearthed a quote from The Curly One herself, Allison Grodner. Here is what she says about the magical door and the big surprise: "I'm gonna tease. There is a secret door that will weigh into the HOH. It's something we've had planned for a while. I wouldn't call it a power. It's just something that's been added to the HOH's (responsibility)." A responsibility? You know that door just opens a janitors closet with a Stanley Steemer inside and now the HOH is responsible for destinkifying that house. Michele's B.O. has gotten so bad that they need some industrial machine to suck it out of the carpet fibers.

Speaking of the Ass Licker, if you're a Michele fan... you will HATE me today. I'm giving you ample warning.

OK so the show ended with a hot chocolately marshmallowey physical endurance HOH comp. Yay! I love competitions where the HOH's have to move their asses and risk certain injury. When the feeds come back we see that Kevin has a considerable lead and Natalie is in last place. Jordan wasn't doing so well either and was slow to start because she kept trying to eat all the chocolate that was falling from the sky. She announced "It tastes like Hersheys!" Jeff promptly stuck a rusty nail in his jugular and died.

The poor Ragamuffin is really just laughable in competitions at this point. She kept losing her cup, falling on her ass, and shuffling down her lane. All of her energy went into cheering Kevin on that I had to wonder if maybe she didn't really care anymore after she saw how well Kevin was doing. She was running her mouth the whole damn time reminding Kevin of how if he wins that he'll get to see his Boyf and he'll get Hamburger Helper in his basket. Kevin, at one point, had to tell her to shut up cuz she was so damn distracting. According to my tally she lost her cup 4 times including the time she dropped it in the giant vat of hot chocolate and had to almost climb in to get it out. Here are some photos of the Ragamuffin's comp failure:

The more the comp went on, the sadder Jeffy Pooh became. At one point he says to Jordan, "Kevin's focused. Jordan needs to get focused." Well, that didn't help the human trash compactor and she just fell a lot (to which Jeff, Mr. Sentimental, said, "You all right? You pop a boob?") while Jeff looked on concerned and defeated.

Meanwhile over in Winners Lane, Kevin was kicking some major ass. For someone who never works out he ran that 4 miles like a champ. He was consistent and focused with thoughts of his Boyf swirling like fabulous fringed scarves dancing in his head. Witness the face of a champion:

The feeds went down not long after that photo was taken and we were forbidden from seeing the big finish. Fuck you CBS. I'm getting a little pissed off at being blocked from the HOH comps. This is the second week in a row you've done this and I'm not happy about it. You give me all the build up and then deny me the release. Do you have any idea what that's like for a woman? You thought Jeff was bad backed up? Ha! You have NO idea how cranky a woman can become. Even though we were denied the money shot, I went ahead and announced Kevin as the winner over on Twitter.

Eventually, the feeds came back and the HG's were showering and cleaning themselves up. Michele and Kevin were in the shower at one point and Ass Licker is wasting NO time kissing some ass. She tells Kevin how he "floated" down the lane. Kevin replied, "I always look like I float!." and I hearted him even more. Meanwhile, Jordan was asking Jeff if she made a fool of herself because she yelled at Russell yesterday. She's way paranoid that CBS didn't portray her in a positive light and she needs some reassurance. Dumpster Truck Sally marches into the shower area to ask Kevin and Michele if she looked like a psycho when she yelled at Russell. They assure her she did not and she waddles off to eat a fistful of Cheez Whiz.

A little later Kevin is sitting and thinking. He's wondering if his HOH will have photos of his parents. Awwww. My heart broke a little when he said that. As most of you know Kevin's parents are hardcore Jehovah's Witnesses and he hasn't seen or heard from them ever since he came out of the closet. It's a story that's all too familiar nowadays and it completely breaks my heart. I will NEVER understand how a parent can shun their own child for being gay. Hell, if I ever had a kid I'd be delighted to discover he/she was gay. Remember that one episode of Absolutely Fabulous when Edina begs Saffie to be a lesbian? That's totally me. So Kevin wonders if CBS contacted his parents and whether or not they signed releases. I'm pretty sure at that point everyone at home crossed their fingers and hoped that Kevin would get to see his family. I know I did. Kevin, always graceful and mature, says that it's ok if he doesn't see them. He's really not expecting to. My rusty heart strings tugged a little more at my tear ducts. The Ragamuffin had a moment of tenderness and tells Kevin that his parents are probably watching him and are very proud. Kleenex please.

While Kevin is making us all want to hug our closest gay, Michele is in the Green Room losing her ever loving mind. The most exquisite display of a mental breakdown graced our screens and I immediately perked up and went screenshot happy. I completely infuriated the chat hags who say they don't read this blog yet they flawlessly quote it everyday... nice try bitches. I can tell who visits here. Keep lying if it makes you feel better. I'm all about the numbers so hate me if you want but keep giving me those hits. I roll around naked covered in your IP numbers. Anyways, yeah, Michele is crying and I'm loving every single fucking second of it. I asked my Twitter followers if someone moved up Christmas this year and didn't tell me. I poured myself a glass of gin (just gin, nothing else... I was feeling very Dorothy Parker yesterday) and settled in to enjoy the madness. Oh my god! I totally forgot to mention that Michele was having her breakdown while wearing The Yellow Dress! Are you dying from the perfection?

Michele sought sanctuary in the Green Room and clutched a pillow while she came to the realization that she's all alone in this house. Her stupid ass licking stories and awkward giggles have finally caught up with her and now she has nothing to show for it, but bad hair, ugly clothes, and a few lost pounds. She muttered to herself and wallowed in her own unworthiness. Paging Neely O'Hara... paging Neely O'Hara. Look, I don't feel sorry for Michele at all. She sauntered around that house with that smug stupid smile on her face for weeks thinking she was some kind of competition genius. You are no Janelle Michele. Almost every competition she won was because of someone else's mistakes. That doesn't take talent. That's luck. If there's one thing that can be said about luck it's that it eventually always runs out.

She shook and jittered and tried to quiet the voices in her head while someone yelled at me in the chats for confusing bipolar disorder with schozophrenia. Oh go die in your DSM IV. I make jokes. I'm a laugh maker. If this was Natalie crying her eyes out people would be laughing and skipping through dewy meadows holding hands and wearing crowns made of flowers. Hypocradar beeping loud and clear.

So here I am totally smack talking Michele with a huge smile plastered on my face dipping my toes in bowls of glitter when I'm suddenly greeted with this:

Jesus christ. She's looking right at me! I threw my gin in the fire place, grabbed my fur throw (I was naked. I'm always naked when I watch the feeds.), and leapt off the chaise lounge to run and hide behind a bookcase. That shit is straight up scary. She's freaking me the fuck out. Keep in mind the only reason she's crying in the wide open where anyone can find her is because she's waiting for ANYONE TO FIND HER! They're obviously not coming in to console the bitch so she's breaking the fourth wall and haunting me now. I started throwing all kinds of restraints and straitjackets at the image on my laptop hoping to make it just go away. Yes, I keep my restraints and straitjackets behind the bookcase. Where do you keep yours? In the kitchen? No! Behind the bookcase is a very reasonable place.

It appears as if Michele didn't take too kindly to my throwing things at her and bitch started to cry more. *filing nails* Ho hum. *yawn* Are you done yet Ass Licker? All that running back and forth between Jeff and Jordan and Russell has finally caught up with you hasn't it? *blows on nails* Well, precious, you dug your own sad grave and now you have to lie in it. Get it all out. Snot up those pillows to the best of your ability. Why you're doing this in the middle of a room full of cameras is beyond me... why didn't you go fall apart in the bathroom like normal people do? This weepy display is ammunition to heartless bitches like me Rectal Queen. Now get yourself together and pick a personality to take over.

Oh! I forgot to mention that earlier Michele had tried to get into the Have-Not room but it was locked. That was where she'd go in the past to lick the walls and swat at imaginary flies. The only reason Michele is oh so sad is because she knows she's in danger of going on the block this week. That's it. I was able to catch some of her muttering early on and she said, "I'm going on the block." Yes, Ass Licker, you're going on the block. That's what Big Brother is. It's a game where people get nominated and evicted. Christ even Jordan handles nominations better than this.

Ha! Lydia was right! You do wear fake blue colored contacts. Oh I miss Lydia. She did crazy with style. Mental breakdowns and insanity were at least fun with Lydia. She was so creative and the insults just rolled off her tongue like beautiful little gifts from heaven. Lydia, wherever you are, lying naked next to Jessie, I miss you.

OK Michele are you done yet?

Oh for fucks sake. You're even beginning to make a good breakdown boring. I hate you so much right now.

Yes. Punch yourself in the face. That's a good girl. Pretend those fists are my fists. I've got an HOH reveal to get to and you're getting on my last fucking nerve right about now.

OK kids I'm making this a two parter today. It's looking like Michele is going to keep breaking down and waste all of our time.

In Part 2 we'll uncover Ragamuffin and Fabulicious' evil plan and see the footage of the best HOH reveal yet.

While you're waiting for my second masterpiece, go to the BBTop50 and Vote! We're neck in neck with that awful site that censors it's visitors. Click on the link at the top right hand side of the blog and click click click!

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

When Whales... I mean Jordan... Attacks!

Sometimes in life ye ask and ye shall receive. For example, yesterday I called a phone number and I asked for Chinese food. 30 minutes later it arrived right at my front door. Magic! I wished deep down in my nether regions that VH-1 would replay a show I had missed. An hour later, voila! They played it. A couple days ago I crossed my fingers hoping I'd get some homoerotica in the BB house. Well guess what, my dear readers? The BB gods delivered! Everything is going my way and I'm going to spend the day gloating and thinking I'm "all that". You're probably saying to yourself, "But Lala, you already spend everyday gloating and thinking you're all that." To that I say, Bite Me!

I was actually unable to catch Jordan shovelling food in her mouth and you'll understand why a little later so instead I got her trying to eat a deck of cards. I think it counts in my little screenshot game so one more point for me! OK LOTS to cover today. This is super long.

The Houseguests are lazy sons of bitches who stay up all night and sleep all day so yesterday they awoke fairly late and went about their morning routine. Jeff was, you know, alive so Michele had to immediately start flirting with him. She tried to make some sexy eyes at him while hiding her offensive body odor, but it just came out all wrong and she ended up looking like an asshole. Michele, at one point, turns to Jeff and asks him that if she and Jordan were on the block and Jeff had the POV, who would he take off? Holy Hannah! That's a loaded question. A) She's putting him on the spot. 2) She's testing his loyalties. C) She's secretly hoping he'll turn against Jordan and make sweet love to her. 4) She just pretty much, in a roundabout way, told him why she can't trust him. Jeff refuses to answer the question saying it's silly to think in hypotheticals.

Jeff goes outside to where Russell is working out piling on barbell after barbell. Russell immediately starts in on Jeff for apparently no good reason other than... hey, it's Wednesday, why not start a fight? He's on the elliptical and starts to tell Jeff that America voted for him because they felt sorry for him. He's relentless. He won't shut up. He keeps going and going and Jeff just sits calmly by the edge of the hot tub saying nothing. Jordan shouts, "Jeff, don't say anything!" Russell sees his chance to attack and tells Jeff that he has to have a girl fight his fights for him. I begin to picture Jeff's blood begin to boil much like the water in the hot tub and I think to myself, "Lala you're an artistic genius. Those pants make your butt look fabulous!"

Jordan, obviously jelaous of my tight ass, jumps up and screams, "You hate that you’re goin’ to the jury house! You’re goin’ home! You’re goin’ home! I swear to god if I wasn’t here I’d fucking hit you over the fucking head!”

What is this? An afternoon delight of a fight? Mr. O'Shaugnessy come here quick! Get under this desk and work your magic. Those of you at home should turn down the tv, turn off your cells, lock the children in the pantry, and get ready to have your no-no's tickled. This fight is a plain and simple gift from the BB gods. It comes out of nowhere but we shall embrace it and nurture it. It's long, it's tiring, it's fucking hysterical, and you'll definitely need a cigarette when we're all through. Is everybody ready? Good. Let's continue.

Jeff shouts, “Jordan! Go inside.” Because, you know, he's the boss of everyone.
Russ says, “Yeah go inside and get some cookie dough.” *bites fist* Music to my ears I tell you. Music to my fucking ears.
Jordan continues, “You’re just tryin' to get someone to do somethin’ so we get evicted before you cuz you know you’re leavin’ on Thursday!” Then she starts to do that annoying Jameeka clap that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Russ smiles and tells her to keep going. Well, that's all Jordan needed. She jumps up off the couch and begins to attack. Look at how angry she is. Do you love it? I know I do.

She marches over to Russell screaming, "I will fucking fight with you! You think I’m fucking scared of you! I’m not fucking scared of you!” *giggles*
Jeff shouts, “Jordan!”

This is where the clouds part, skittles fall from the sky, and the choir of angels begin to sing the loveliest song I've ever heard. I'm quite sure it's "They Don't Care About Us".
Jordan marches all the way up to Russell's face and she bumps him! The bitch actually chest bumps him with her fake tatas. Could you ask for anything more heavenly? I think not.

Jeff says, “Why you gotta make me get up? Sit down over here.” LMAO. Seriously, Jeff?
Russell snaps back, “I can’t wait for them to send you home as a birthday present for me so I can beat your fucking face in!”
Jeff, “That’s good man. Keep talking. Keep talking.”
Russ, “You always say you’re going to do something and you don’t.” OK so clearly Russell wants Jeff to hit him and get evicted. It's the last chance he has so he's gonna take it. I didn't care for it when Chima tried this tactic, but Russ is a dude so of course I think it's funny and I really want someone to punch someone.
Jeff barks back, “Yeah cuz I have 500 thousand reasons not to”
Then we get fish. WTF!
Feeds come back to Russ saying how Jordan spends her time eating cookie dough and then wondering why she’s fat. AHAHAHAHA!!! Ok that's was good. That was Good dipped in 24 karat gold, sprinkled with diamonds, and draped around my neck.
Russ, of course, kills my bejeweled mood by immediately saying something moronic. He knocks Jeff for going to a Division 3 school and working telephone sales. He's desperate for that punch to send Jeff home so now he's gone personal.
Jeff replies, “What’s your career? You have seven of ‘em. Are you a fire fighter? Are you a banker? Are you in sales? Are you a navy seal? Which one are you? Which career are you? You don’t even know who you are!”

Russ ignores him and goes back to picking on Jordan. He tells her to keep twirling her hair cuz she’ll never do nothing. Jeff says, “Do you feel better about yourself yelling at a girl?”

Russell brings up the threat on his family again saying it’s a real funny joke. Jeff says the real joke is Russ threatening to mop the floor with him. Jeff tells him he’s carrying around, “anger bags”. (I'm immediately reminded of that movie PLAYING BY HEART. Angelina Jolie, Ryan Phillpe, Jon Stewart. All the women in Jolie's family call people "Anger Balls" when they get mad. Great fucking movie. See it if you haven't.) Russ then brings up “technotronics” and say Jeff should get a dictionary and think up some new words. Jeff tells him he has no friends in real life. Russ says he just wants to hug him. Huh? Where did that come from? Jeff says, “I just threw the knock out punch when you get evicted tomorrow.” Jeff goes on, “Make a move. Go into the fucking jury house and make a move and lose all your cash.”

They continue screaming at each other. A little to the left Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Jeff says that no one wants to be friends with Russell and that’s why he’s going to home. Jeff says whenever Russ mentioned that he wanted to go to Chicago and that Jeff should go to San Francisco, he'd always laugh because he never had any intention of being Russell's friend.

Russell says, “Chima was right… two peas in a pod... bunch of dumb asses… one thinks Gucci is a catch phrase, the other thinks Technotronics is a word. Life can only go up from here Jeff.”
Jeff replies, “Apparently. So I have things to look forward to.”

"I have things to look forward to" sounds like another song for the Big Brother Musical soundtrack, doesn't it? It's so positive and uplifting. I'm thinking it could be like 'So Much Better' from Legally Blonde The Musical. I'm sure if we asked Ronnie he'd agree with me. Laura Bell Bundy would do it so much justice.

Ok everyone, dim the lights, close your shades, make sure your boss isn’t looking, get one hand free cuz things are about to get homoerotic up in this bitch.

Jeff says, “Stop saying my stories… stop saying my words. Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to have sex with me? Is that your thing? What’s your thing? Do you have a hard on for me? “

*squeals and claps*

Russ, “That was the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
Jeff, “Is it or is it real cuz all you ever do is fill your name into my stories. Do you have a crush on me? What’s your thing? Do you want to have sex with me? Seriously because I’ll show you a little ass on your way out the door if that’s what you want. Give you something to jerk off to in the jury house.”

Do it Jeff, do it! Drop your drawers!

Russ, “You look more manly now... 'You want to have sex with me!'”
Jeff, “For real man you must have a hard on. No one else is doing this.”
Russ, “Do you Jeff? Do you huh?”
Jeff, “Good one! I know you are but what am I?” AHAHAHA!!!
Russ mockingly, “Do you want to have sex with me? Do you want to have sex with me?”
Jeff, “Hey man I’m just trying to get to the bottom of your reasoning.”
Russ, “Glad they got that on camera. You look really uh… you look really good there buddy.”
Jeff, “Take a time out. Take 5 minutes to yourself. Think of a good one and I’ll be sitting right here when you want to deliver it."

*sigh* Was it good for you? I'm spent. Mr. O'Shaugnessy go get me some Brandy and bring me my opium pipe. Chop chop... times a wastin'! Don't smoke your cigarettes quite yet. We get more of this stimulating dialogue.

They continue to fight over how Russell can’t make anyone laugh but Jeff can. Jeff says, "They are laughing AT you." Russ says, "The only one who’s making you laugh is the little fatty there next to you. That’s the only person you make laugh.” Oh no he di'int! Oh yes he did! Look I have no problem with girls calling other girls fat, but guys shouldn't do that. That's like part of an unspoken code. Only catty bitches can give each other eating disorders not stinky men.

Jeff replies, “That’s classy bro”
Russ, “Classy? Yeah she was real classy when she came up to me and bumped me. She’s really classy."
Jeff, “She’s a woman bro, she’s a woman.”
Jordan jumps in, “You look like the biggest asshole on tv”
Jeff snaps at Jordan, “Just be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet”
Jordan, obviously obeying Jeff, shouts to Russ, “You are such a fucking douche bag! You’re a douche bag! I’m not fucking scared of you!”

I have to admit it. I kind of like Jordan when she gets mad. She's fucking hysterical. Girl's got some balls. I'll give her that much.

Jeff tells Russell how he went about "this" (AKA Big Brother) all the wrong way. “It’s a game”, he says. Russ has nothing to say so he goes back to the threat Jeff made to his family. Jeff gets annoyed he brought it up again and said he apologized for making that comment. Jeff asks, “What do you want from me?” Russ replies, “I’m still going to beat the shit out of you.”

Russell says, "America gave you that power cuz America felt sorry for you that I got you."

Jeff says, “Oh yeah that’s exactly why they gave it to me. “ Jeff says America gave it to him to use to get Russ out cuz he’s such a fucking douche bag. Jeff then puts on a girl voice and pretends he’s Russ making final 2 deals with everyone. "I'll go to Final 2 with you... and you... and you." LOL. So mature.

Russ brings Kevin up for some reason saying Jeff is using him or something like that. Jordan jumps in and says, “He already told Kevin he was goin’ up before the nominations cuz he was goin’ to backdoor you!” Oh shut up Jordan. Even in the middle of a fight she's ready to spill all her secrets. They continue to argue about which comes first. Final 4 or final 2?

Jordan, “Why don’t you tell Kevin what you said after the chicken competition? Jeff don’t want to say anythin’ and start somethin’, but I don’t give a shit. I’ll say somethin’!”
Jeff screams, “Don’t say anything! Shut up Jordan already! Shut up!” Ewww. Yucky. Stinky poo. I don't like it when Jeff screams at her like that and tells her what to do. She can obviously handle herself in a fight and besides she's entertaining me right now so shut the fuck up Jeff.
Russ, “Say it tough girl.”
Jeff to Jordan “Honestly enough’s enough. Be quiet. It’s not even your problem.”
Here's where I wonder why he said that. Did he make up the comment about Russ calling Kevin a "homo" during the chicken/egg competitiong? Did Russ really not say anything?

Russ says, “Final 2 comes before Final 4 dude.”
Jeff, “That’s semantics!” Whoever said the "semantics" line first this season needs to be shot. It's so overplayed at this point.
Russ, “2 comes before 4!” Uhhh not exactly Russ. In BB, 4 comes before 2.
Jeff, “I’m one second away from knocking you in the fucking mouth!”
Russ shouts to the peanut gallery gathered on the couch, “You have to live by Jeff’s rules in Jeff’s house. Enjoy! You all are a bunch of sheep. No matter what he says, he’s gonna put you up!”

Hmmm... well, Russell is pretty much speaking gospel at this point. It is Jeff's house and anyone who doesn't obey Jeff's rules gets the wrath of Jeff's bitching. I can't argue with you there Russ.

If you missed the fight or just want to relive the magic, here it is. Thanks to Shea and bird! Please to enjoy:

After all the dust settles, Jordan is inside kind of crying. She's mad that Russell called her fat. Jordan says how she almost punched Russell, but she didn't want to lose her money. Kevin tries to calm her down and tells her that Russell is purposely trying to get people to punch him. Jordan says, "Now I know how Chima felt." Ragamuffin joins in and Jordan tells her how she wanted to punch Russell. Now, I could be wrong, but I could swear I saw a light bulb turn on over top Ragamuffin's head.

Kevin tells Jordan to promise him she will not interact with Russell anymore. Jordan can’t get her anger under control and Kevin tells her to go to the DR “and let it out”. She says, "I’ll do that later." Jordan asks Kevin if she looked crazy out there screaming at the top of her lungs. Kevin, always being a fab gay, lets Jordan vent her anger and says all the right supportive things. He tells her she’s not even close to being fat. She was cast on the show because she’s the cute adorable Southern Belle. Kevin tells her she’s the hottest girl in the house. He says, “You’re not hotter than me though.” LOL Kevin, I heart you.

Jordan and Kevin leave and Russell enters the kitchen. Natalie tells him everything Jordan was saying. Russell tells her to fill him in on everything since he’s leaving tomorrow. Russ explains to her how they (Russ, Jeff, Michele, Jordan) made the final 4 deal and how Jordan kept telling him not to talk to Natalie. Russ tells Natalie, “You need to fucking win this week.”

Ragamuffin immediately goes outside to tell Jeff and Kevin what Russell just said. Jeff starts ranting about being ousted for sticking up for Braden. He yells at Natalie for talking to Russ and says she should have said, “Get the fuck away from me.” Jeff insists on everyone hating Russ as much as he does. Since King Jeff doesn't care for Russell, then no one else should either. Jeff says, “The fact that any of you listen to him is bullshit. I mean, I’m not telling you what to do…” Uh yes Jeff, you are telling them what to do.

Natalie turns to Jordan and morphs into a sweet precious little pony. She tells Jordan not to let Russell make her cry. Jordan just lies back and stresses about how she'll have to be locked in the HOH tomorrrow with Russell.

Later Jeff yells at Jordan for talking too much outside with Russ. Jeff tells her to stop playing the dumb card because people are getting suspicious. Bwahaha! "Dumb card"? There's no dumb card here. She's just being herself!

Things die down for a few hours and the house gets boring again. A little later, Michele is talking to Jordan telling her how she cried for 2 hours in the DR because she thought Jeff and Jordan didn’t trust her. Jeff says Russell thinks he’s playing the villain role when he’s really playing the douche bag role. Jordan says how Russ will probably wear his stupid hat tomorrow cocked to one side trying to look all GQ. Jordan says she hopes when he gets out of the house that he walks down the street and people call him "faggot". Then she catches herself and says, "Well no, not that, but they can call him stupid or something." Michele jumps in and tries to tell stupid Russell stories to prove her loyalty. She says he got up in the middle of the night to punch the mattress. She laughs awkwardly and no one says anything.

Here's what I have in my notes at this point, "Boring boring boring. Jeff shaves his pits." LOL Yes, Jeff shaved his armpits.

Later in the HOH, Jeff offers Jordan a cookie and she refuses it. She claims she just brushed her teeth but I think Russ’s comments really got to her. Jeff goes on and on about how good the cookie is. He’s a dick. Natalie joins them and he offers her a cookie too. She takes it and they both talk about how soft and chewy it is. Jordan just looks depressed and dies a little bit inside.

Here is where the Ragamuffin begins to work her magic again. She's initiating LML (Last Minute Lie) Part Deux. Natalie tells Jeff and Jordan that she walked in on Michele talking to Kevin. Kevin told her she walked in at the worst fucking time because Michele was trying to feel him out as to how he wanted to vote. Later Michele went to Russell and told him that there was no way he would stay because Kevin was not onboard. Russ then decided to have that fight earlier because he had nothing to lose.

Jeff completely buys it. Natalie was just planting seeds to make Jeff suspicious of Michele, but Jeff doesn't question a word of it. He takes it for fact and hits the ground running.

Jeff tells a story about how Russ is lying to get votes. The last time Russell was on the block, he told Michele that he had Natalie’s vote 100%. He also told Jeff should that he should talk to Jessie about how Jessie would vote. Jeff didn’t want to talk to Jessie and Russ kept pushing it. Jeff thinks he’s doing the exact same thing now lying and making everyone talk to each other about voting to keep him. Remember how the other night he told Kevin to talk to Michele and Kevin told him to do it himself because he didn’t want to? In her mind, Natalie may have been lying about Michele talking to Kevin, but the lie isn't all that far fetched. It's so close to the truth that Jeff is immediately able to cite instances that back up the lie. For some reason whenever Natalie lies to Jeff, he adds to it giving it strength and legs to work it's magic. For example, Jeff says how Russell also told Michele to go to Kevin. Instead Michele just ran to Jeff and told him what Russell said.

Natalie tells Jeff and Jordan how Russ is planning his outfit for tomorrow and how he was talking about it to Kevin and asking Kevin if he knew the designer. Apparently, his suit was $1000 blah blah blah. Kevin had no idea who the designer was. Jeff proceeds to calls Russ a douchebag. They all discuss how Russ has a big speech planned for tomorrow and how he compared himself to Chima. Natalie says, “I wanted to say, you hated Chima!” Jeff concludes that Russell has no speaking skills whatsoever. And Jeff is a master debater... the same guy who used "yo-yo" in a fight?

Jeff says when Russ gets to the jury house he’ll go on a Jeff hating thing and talk about it for a few days. Jeff thinks Russ will talk about him so much that eventually even Jessie will get sick of it and tell him to shut up. Natalie jokes about saying, “I know I’m staying. Let’s get this show on the road.” in her speech. Jeff is super duper paranoid about Russ’s speech. He knows Russ will say something about Jeff threatening his family. Natalie tells them that Russell told Kevin his speech will be "classy". Jordan says, “Classy? You tell a girl to go eat more cookie dough fat ass.” I KNEW that was still bugging her. Jeff says, "How do you have sisters and talk that way to women?" Jordan thinks his dad must talk that way to his mom. She insists he must have heard it from somewhere so she comes to the conclusion that Russell's dad must verbally abuse Russell's mom. Oh Jordan, don't go there. Just don't.

Jordan worries about going to the jury house and having to deal with Russell. Natalie cleverly says, “If I win tomorrow, you won’t be in there.” Nicely done Natalie. You are so evil.

Jeff won’t shut up about Russell's speech. He says, "How is he [Russ] articulate and smart? When has he ever done anything smart. By taking my stories and repeating them that’s smart? If he says anything I’ve said tomorrow in his speech, I’m going to say we have to stop cuz I’m gonna sue him for plaigerism."

Natalie tells them how Russ said BB had brought in all the security guards and called in the swat team. Jeff laughs and says, “How does he live with himself?”

Kevin comes up to room and he brings up the LML2 as well. He tells Jeff how Russ told him Michele was going to talk to him because she’s onboard with keeping Russell. Kevin says, "Sure enough Michele comes up to me and starts to talk." Jeff says he has a feeling Michele will be going after him. Jordan asks Natalie if she ever said that she’d put Michele up against the strongest player (implying Jeff). Jordan tells her Michele told her Natalie said that. Natalie, not missing a beat, says Michele is strong. She says, “I’ll be honest with you. If I win HOH, I’m putting up you and Michele. You’ll be the pawn.” Jordan goes on to say how Michele said Natalie was going to put up Michele and the strongest player (meaning Jeff).

Jeff chimes in recapping what Michele asked him earlier. He tells the group how Michele asked him that if Jordan and Michele were on the block and Jeff won the veto, who would he take down? Jeff laughs thinking she’s an idiot if she’s doesn’t know the answer. Kevin says, "I can’t figure her out." Jordan jumps in, "Oh my god! Jeff says that every night." Kevin replies, "I call her the Question Mark." Jeff pops up and says “Oh my god dude, I say the exact same thing!” It's a bonding moment for them. Kevin says he can usually read women really well but with Michele his gay talents are useless because he can never read her mind.

Natalie then goes off about how much she can’t stand the bitch Michele. Michele got out Chima after she swore on her husband. Natalie compares Michele to Lydia and Kevin says, "She’s not a Lydia!" Jordan tells Natalie how Michele said that Natalie is some genius poker player. Jeff and Jordan throw it off as Michele was just falling for Russell’s poker lie.

They continue to bash Michele which just tickles me pink. Jeff does an imitation of Michele where he grunts and says, “Eh I don’t remember!”Natalie calls her the Bathroom Bandit because she’s always stalking the bathroom and not peeing. Jeff says he calls her Cuckoo Magoo. I popped some champagne, poured it down the front of my shirt, and squirmed in delight. I'm all about a Michele Hate Party.

Kevin and Natalie eventually leave and Jordan tells Jeff she kind of doesn’t trust Kevin and Natalie now and how she wants Michele to win HOH. Oh shit. Someone hand me a roll of cookie dough. We need to cram it in Jordan's mouth stat! Jordan says she thought that if one of them won HOH they’d put up Michele and whichever one of them (Kevin or Natalie) didn't win that week. Jeff tells her, "No, Kevin said that he’d put Natalie up. Natalie never said that." Any little teeny tiny thing about Jordan going up on the block freaks her out now. In the past she took it all in stride, but now I'm thinking that she's petrified of having to go to the jury house and spending time with people she never got to know or like.

Russ spends the evening kissing some major ass. He cooks for everyone and is SUPER nice to Kevin. Kevin asks him why he's being so nice. Russell says he wants Kevin to win. He wants Kevin to take Michele out.

Up in the HOH Jordan is still dwelling on what Natalie told her. This is stunning to me. If Jordan won HOH, she'd most definitely never put up Jeff so why does she think it's ok for Natalie and Kevin to nominate each other. God, she's an idiot. Jordan tells Michele that Natalie said she’d put them both on the block. Why can’t this bitch shut her goddamn mouth? Michele tells Jordan that Natalie really wants Jordan out. Jordan immediately believes her and begins to worry. WTF? Why does Jordan believe her now? Michele is LYING right here folks. Natalie really wants Jeff out THEN she wants Michele out. She wants Jeff out because he's strong and she wants Michele out because she hates her.

Jordan lays beached in the HOH alone crying. Jeff comes in and asks her what’s wrong and she says she’s stressed out and doesn’t know who to trust. Michele fucked with her head. Jeff tells her to take a bath. She whines and says, "Noooooooooo." You'd think Jordan was 5 by the way she was acting. It's still dumbfounding to me that she assumed Natalie would never nominate her. She's a fucking idiot so let's laugh at her. Here's what she looked like being a spoiled brat:

Jordan sees Michele on the spy screen coming up the stairs again and she gets mad.. Michele walks right in and plops down. Now tell me this is not the most evil face you've ever seen.

I want to stab it with hot pokers and squish her brains in between my fingers. I hate this bitch!

Later Natalie is in the Red Room telling Russell that if she wins HOH she's putting up Jeff and Michele and getting Jeff out. Bad Ragamuffin! You've got Jordan disease now telling all your damn secrets. I knew she wouldn't be able to keep quiet. Russell better keep his mouth shut and keep their secret. Kevin and Natalie then make fun of Jeff for actually believing they'd put each other up before they'd put him up. Ha! It is kind of funny when you think about it. How arrogant does Jeff have to be to actually believe them?

The night ends with something all you Jeff and Jordan fans have been waiting for. It only took about 6 weeks but the Boring Twins finally make out. At this point, I don't give a shit. They should have done this 5 weeks ago, but I know all of you nice romantic fans are freaking out right now so I'll recap it for you.

Jeff and Jordan are in bed doing what Jeff and Jordan do. Jeff wants some ass and Jordan won't give it to him. She's puts on her cocktease act and begins to tell him how she likes to kiss when she drinks because it makes her more uninhibited. Jeff says, "You want to open that wine?" Jordan says, "Yeah." Jeff says, "Fuck yeah." He nuzzles her neck and she squeals and pushes him away saying he's tickling her. Jordan asks him if she's a bad kisser. How the hell would he know? They've only pecked each other! Jordan tells him that she doesn't like it when guys kiss like a lizard or when their mouths get so wet they almost start to drool. Jeff jokes that when he gets drunk he likes to get sloppy. Jordan says, "Ewwww Jeff!" in that little girl voice of hers and I die a little inside. Jeff says, "Let's get sloppy." Jordan says, "No, not sloppy."

At this point Jeff has placed a boulder on his hard on trying to keep it down. They talk about all things romantic like how Michele stunk up a blanket with her B.O.. Jordan brings it back to kissing and it's obvious now she's going to give him some. It's about fucking time! Jeff tells her he likes to be the dominant one in kissing. The girls usually follow his lead. He tells her he doesn't like, "machine gun tongue". Jordan says she was worried Jeff would be a bad kisser, but instead she told everyone how good he was. I'm totally confused. When did they actually make out before this? I'm pretty sure I didn't miss it. Jeff gets all shy and tells her to stop talking about how he kisses. He says, "If it's good that's all I need to know."

Jordan says, "You got me all hyper now." Jeff asks, "You're all worked up? Wanna fool around?" Jeff puts the blanket over their heads and that's when it happens... I poop out a rainbow and vomit up a pony. Garden gnomes come to life and birds in the trees hold hands and sing a lovely tune. Flowers keep popping up in my hair and I rip them out and smash them on the ground. Jeff removes the blanket and says, "That was nice." Jordan says, "OK goodnight." He says, "Goodnight Jordan. That was beautiful." Yeah it was real beautiful. Now Jeff's got crazy blue balls and will totally try to kill Russell tomorrow. Jeff says, "Are you in a better mood now? No more tears?" Jordan nods and says, "You put me in a better mood." Oh yes Jeff, your kisses are so magical they cure all the ills of the world. Women will never have PMS again and war will be a thing of the past. Fuck off and die.

So tonight will be very exciting. I'm anxious to hear Russell's speech and even more anxious for HOH. Personally, I want Kevin or Natalie to win. I want Jeff and Michele or Jeff and Jordan on the block FINALLY. If this happens I'm throwing a rave and you're all invited. If Michele or Jordan win HOH, you can all rot in hell for all I care. I will be one grumpy beyotch tomorrow. You can count on it.

I completely forgot yesterday to congratulate Jen for guessing that "good old fashioned boink fest" does indeed come from the movie CLUELESS. Good job Jen!

Everyone please remember to vote for the BBTop50 in the upper right hand corner of the blog. We need to keep the Bitchy Big Brother Blog at #1!

Special shout out to jacksma5901 and LuKiELoOoVe12. Thanks ladies! Rub your bellies and tell your little spawn that Lala is sending them love.

Look I'm going to end this post like all you baby makers do...

Colette Lala
Mr. O'Shaugnessy... precious bundle of joy... 6/6/66

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