Saturday, September 5, 2009

Big Bitchy Contest - 3 Days Left

If you're looking for today's recap, it's the post right before this one.

OK contest lovers, the Big Bitchy Contest is still on and I've got to say I've had some GREAT entries. You've got only 3 more days to enter so let's do this people!

For rules and prize info, please visit Big Bitchy Contest.



It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of (1) LIQUID and trays of (2) FOOD ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a (3) OBJECT with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of (4) NOUN. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said (5) FUNNY QUOTE. They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil (6) PLURAL NOUN in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s (7) BODY PART and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy (8) VERB Jeff’s (9) BODY PART. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, (10) JORDAN-ISM and Jeff replied (11) JEFF-ISM.

Michele was decked out in a (12) ADJECTIVE dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a (13) NOUN up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt (14) EMOTION.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing (15) MUSICIAN/BAND and comparing their (16) PLURAL NOUN.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her (17) NOUN and he shook his (18) PLURAL NOUN. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his (19) NOUN kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best (20) GARMENT. It was (21) COLOR and smattered with (22) PLURAL NOUN. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the (23) THINGS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the (24) ADJECTIVE voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting (25) CHIMA-ISM, you motherfuckers!

The End

Bride Of Chucky

Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a mythical magical creature. Where she came from no one knows, but her powers of manipulation are legendary. They are what nightmares and anxiety attacks are made of. Little innocent children grow up hearing about this evil being and they are sure to eat all their vegetables and obey their parents so they will never cross paths with this malignant creature. Sometimes, at night, if you listen very closely you can hear her growl and snarl off in the distance. Tiny little drops of acidic drool sparkle in the weeds like fresh dew drops killing innocent squirrels and chipmunks. Her origin may be unkown, but where she is now is well documented. Her name is The Ragamuffin and she lives in the Big Brother house. Grab your holy water and your pixie sticks because we're going to analyze her to death today. Literally... to the death!

Once again the Ragamuffin went over her nomination speeches. She still has big plans for calling Michele out and labeling her "the devil". I knew power would go to her head. No one else has ever stressed or prepared this much for what will inevitably be only 2 small sentences on the CBS show. I do the same thing though. I'll blow up the teeniest tiniest thing and make it all about me as much as possible. Could it be I'm part Ragamuffin or simply an innocent and lovely attention seeker? Let's go with the latter and never mention that "part Ragamuffin" thing ever again. So yes, Ragamuffin is rehearsing and rehearsing. I put the gist of it in yesterday's post and I'm not retyping that shit again. I'll just mention my favorite part, "Making a deal with you is like making a deal with Satan herself."

So the feeds go down and we all think it's nomination time. We're poised for a nomination ceremony backlash. I was primed for another Michele Green Room breakdown. Did I get it? No. No I did not, but I got oh so much more. I got Pandora's Box bitches! OK so here is what I can gather. Ragamuffin was in the HOH trying to stop her mouth from foaming. Michele and Kevin were lying down half asleep and Jordan was somewhere basting a turkey. In walks a little person - and by little person I mean midget - dressed as a baby. He walks up to Kevin and says, "Mama? Baba?" He asks Michele if she's her mother. A man dressed like a cat or carrying a cat also enters the house. A lady dressed as a roach begins to spray something everywhere. The baby kept following Jordan around and it freaked her out because apparently this was a VERY smelly baby. Odd, right? Right.

The HG's get all confused/excited and they make a lot of noise. Suddenly, deep in the bowels of the HOH, the Ragamuffin can be heard screaming about losing $500,000. She storms downstairs pissed off about losing the money and not being able to play in the POV. She disappears in the DR and this is when the feeds come back on. We see her emerge from the DR and go sit outside with the others. All the freaky visitors are now gone and everyone is just simply confused at this point. Ragamuffin plops down and says, "Don't ask me about Pandora's Box. I don't want to talk about it." Michele, Kevin, and Jordan look at each other quizically and wonder what the hell she's talking about. They gossip about the stinky baby and Ragamuffin chimes in, "There’s always a bad side to Pandora’s Box. Always a bad side. Not always will $10,000 fall from the sky.” Jordan begins to talk about the Roach Lady spraying her with something and says, "She kept targeting me!" Ragamuffin interjects, "Dude if Jeff were here, he would have freaked out."

Ragamuffin begins to talk about how she can't play in the POV and how it's completely game changing. She's acting furious and pissy and I'm thinking it's because this time around Pandora's Box was only evil. She also has an evil smirk on her face and this is where I reach for the Xanax. I know she's up to something. I just don't know what. She announces that she needs a few minutes to reflect before the nomination ceremony and she gets up and goes inside. Jordan says to the others, "She's acting really weird." Michele says, "It's ridiculous she has to think before nominations. There's only one person who doesn't get nominated." Jordan suspects that Natalie is lying about something.

Kevin is equally confused, but he gets up to go inside and spray air freshener everywhere.

Eventually, he makes his way upstairs and has a very serious talk with a Ragamuffin who is dressing herself up in a Queen costume. Kevin tells Natalie that she better tell someone something about Pandora's Box because it’s coming across as if she has a Mystery Power of some sort and now no one wants to take her to the Final 2. He tells her how the girls outside think she's up to something and isn't telling the truth. He says as her friend he’s advising her to come up with something to put Michele at ease because the way Natalie's acting is highly suspicious. She led them to believe that she lost the $500,000 and Kevin says "We all know that if Natalie lost $500,000, she’d be breaking windows so you better come up with something fast."

Kevin says, “If that were me and I just lost $500,000, I’d be like 'Big Brother fuck this shit give me a fucking answer right now' and you’re not doing that which means that there’s some weird ass Mystery Power thing going on and it’s making everyone think, 'We don’t want to fuck around with this.' You know what I’m saying? So if I were you I’d come up with something.”
Natalie asks, “Something like what?”
Kevin replies, “I don’t know but you have to come up with something.”
Natalie, “Help me out here Kevin.”
Kevin, “I don’t know cuz I haven’t had time to think about it, but it better be something good.”
Natalie says that maybe she’ll go tell everyone it was nothing and they all "got got".
Kevin says go ahead and make up a Hawaiian trip or something. It needs to be something believable.
Nat tells Kevin to help her out. He says she has more info than he does.

Then it happens. Ragamuffin says, "You want to know the truth?" Oh dear god. Hide your infants and valuables. Put on your rubber safety suits and get ready to ponder the mystery of fact vs. fiction. Here is the Ragamuffin's explanation of what went down:

“The honest to god truth is everything I said was true… unleash something good or unleash something bad… but it also said that for the first time in Big Brother history ever you can spend time with a loved one inside the Big Brother house… it said if you choose to open the box you release something. If you choose to open the door you would not be able to play in tomorrow’s veto competition. It also said there was a clue as to who I’d be able to spend time with and on the tv screen was a picture of my boyfriend."

I'll pause for everyone to finely tune their bullshit detectors.

Ragamuffin says she chose to go in the door and her boyfriend was there. She spent 20 minutes with him and he PROPOSED to her. He gave her a twisty tie for a ring. She took it off and put it in her bag in the bathroom. She says to Kevin, “That’s the honest to god’s truth. I swear on our friendship.” Kevin replies,”Why would you hide that?”

She asks him if she should tell everyone else and Kevin says, "Yeah you just bragged about some Mystery Power and now everyone is thinking you're Jeff." Ragmuffin tells him it's true she can’t play in POV though. Kevin's face is completely confused. You can tell he has NO idea if she's telling the truth. You can also tell that the fact that she's not playing in the POV has just crushed his soul. Without that POV, Kevin is most likely gone this week. At the mere thought of this I kick Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the chin. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

Ragamuffin takes off her Queen costume and retrieves her twisty tie from the bathroom. She goes downstairs and announces that she's pranked them all, “You all got got by a 18 year old!”
She tells them, "I swear on my life, I swear on my game, I swear on everything about me." LOL We all know that means shit basically. She insists that everyone admit to her that she got them good before she explains anything. Jordan and Michele are just totally confused and they look into her eyes and hypnotically nod.

Ragamuffin says that she got 2 envelopes in the HOH.
Envelope #1 said openig Pandora's Box can unleash something good or bad on the house and something good or bad on you [Natalie].
Envelope #2 said that this has never happened ever in Big Brother history. For the first time ever you can spend time with a loved one inside house. If you choose to open Pandora's Box, you cannot compete in tomorrows veto competition. She tells them her clue as to who would visit was a photo of her boyfriend.

Ragamuffin then retells the whole story she told Kevin about the proposal and the twisty tie.
Jordan says, “Is this a joke?”
Ragamuffin replies, "It’s the honest gods truth.” (Why does she put "honest" before "god"? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"
She explains while she was in Pandora's Box she had no idea what was going on inside the house. A voice came on and said, “Natalie. Jason. You’re time is up.” Jordan asked her if she cried and Ragmuffin said no, but her boyfriend did.

She said that after it was done and he left, she couldn’t leave her room. She heard everyone screaming so she started screaming too about losing $500,000.
Michele says, “OK so you just got proposed to and you decide to prank us after you got proposed to?”
Jordan says, “I feel like you’re tricking us... that guy really did stink up this house.”

Jordan twists her hair and continues, “Oh my god! If that’s true, it’s awesome.”

This is where Ragamuffin begins to weave an intricate tale of either lies or truths. I seriously have NO idea.

She says Jason (her boyfriend) told her everyone at home watches her and supports her. He watched her on the feeds last night in the HOH room looking at his picture. Her dad has no idea he's there right now and he tells her he watches the live feed all the time.
She describes how he had on a red shirt, black pants, and dress shoes. He got down on one knee when he proposed and he asked her father for her hand in marriage on the night Big Brother premiered. There was sushi in the room as well, but they didn’t eat it.
Ragamuffin interrupts her factual/totally fake story and says, “I still got you all. Admit that I’m the prank queen of the house”

She's in the middle of telling everyone how she just got engaged and all she can think about is how she pranked everyone? In actuality, she didn't prank anyone at all. Everyone was suspicious of her shenanigans from the get go. I've never been engaged (the thought frightens the shit out of me), but I would imagine it would be a pretty big deal and that you'd freak out over it. Ragamuffin, on the other hand, just wants to be known as the "Prank Queen". I can't figure her out and I pop two more Xanax.

Ragamuffin again starts talking about the proposal and that when Jason's dad proposed to his mom he didn't have enough money for a ring so he proposed with a twisty tie. OK now that's believable, right? Romantic and sappy and pathetic, but believable. He also told her that he got vacation time off right after the show ends so they can go away together. Hmmm that's also believable, right?

Here's where things get a little iffy. Ragamuffin said that Big Brother told them that they couldn't talk about game play at all. Makes complete sense to me. Then she says she asked Jason if it was a good move to get rid of Jeff. Jason told her it was and then BB came on the speaker and said, "Jason you cannot talk about game." Why would Natalie even risk asking such a question? Later in the evening she'll also say how Jason told her that America doesn't like her. Again, that's the kind of information that CBS wouldn't want her to have. On the flipside, I honestly think Natalie thinks deep down that America likes her. Either she's telling the truth because that fact that America dislikes her is 100% fact OR she's lying in an effort to get taken to the Final 2. Is she simply trying to convince Michele and Jordan that she has no chance of getting America's 7th vote? I don't know! She makes me crazy and I'm almost running out of Xanax over here. Mr. O'Shaugnessy, I need you to make a run to the pharmacy. I'll need Diazepam, Lorazepam, Clonazepam, and Alporazepam... anything with "pam" in it I'll need. Yes, that includes Pam cooking spray. I'll be cooking my brains later so it'll come in handy.

Ragamuffin then goes on to say that they had a little make out session of course. I refuse to believe this one. I'm sorry, but I can't picture a Ragamuffin having sexy time. She then says, "I went down in history! On Big Brother I got proposed to!” A) It's happened before with Boogie and that southern chick whose name I can't remember. B) Who worries about BB history when they're engaged?

She continues and says she doesn’t get along with Jason's mom and sisters, but she hopes now she does because he’ll be her husband. OK this I totally believe. I have no doubt that his family can't stand her. All of you parents of sons out there, would you like them to marry a Ragamuffin? Hell no. I rest my case.

She describes how Jason told her that he and her dad went out and got the stuff for her HOH basket. Big Brother didn’t do it at all. This completely floors Jordan. She totally thought BB did it. OK now is this a lie or is this truth? If it's a lie, it's so random and ill fitting to the story that I have to question the motive. If it's truth, it's so random and ill fitting to the story that it almost makes sense. *shoves a letter opener up my nose*

They all go outside and continue to talk about the Ragamuffin's engagement. Natalie repeats the story over and over and she had a look on her face that makes me question all that is good and evil in the world. I ask you, is this a face you can trust?

Shortly after, the feeds go down and we get nominations. She has put Michele and Kevin on the block for nomination. Her target is most definitely Michele and she thinks these nominations will give her the best odds.

Afterwards Kevin pouts in the backyard pretending to be mad at Natalie. Jordan just sits there wide eyed eating her hand. Natalie tells Kevin she understands he must be mad. She blames Lydia for telling her that Kevin thought she was the queen in the chess analogy. Kevin says he doesn't understand why he's getting blamed for the whole chess conversation because Casey came up with that too (lie). The whole conversation is weirdly calm and polite and I wouldn't believe it either.

It turns out the Ragamuffin made good on her vow to out Michele. She delivered her devil speech and you can tell that Michele is visibly annoyed but she's trying to play it off like she isn't. Ragamuffin out right tells her her motives were personal with the speech, but she still wants Kevin gone this week. Michele nods and says she understands. She's lying.

They all decide to have a fashion show with their new clothes and they go inside to change into their "before" outfits. Kevin gets called to the DR while they're setting up the runway. While sitting around the couch. Jordan tells Natalie how she didn't believe her when she said she got engaged. Ragamuffin says she'd never lie about something like that and she goes into more detail about what happened. Apparently, her boyfriend told her that he reads all the online blogs (could mine be one of them?) and that most of them don't like her at all. She said, "He says I have a lot of haters." She says how she thinks America must not like her because she was so tight with Jessie and that America hates Jessie. Uh no Ragamuffin. You've earned your hate all on your own. OK now this info is another red flag. Big Brother would NEVER allow that information to be divulged. Even Ross Matthews in his interviews can't tell the HG's too much about how America felt.

They end the conversation with Ragmuffin cementing her Final 2 deal with Jordan. Kevin comes out of the DR and they go to the kitchen to make dinner. Ragamuffin gets called to the DR and Kevin immediately tells Michele and Jordan that he's convinced Ragamuffin is up to something and that she has a Mystery Power. He says, "Who gets proposed to and thinks about this stuff?" They're all suspicious that no one in the DR has asked them about the engagement. They say they'll figure it out tomorrow when they see if Natalie plays in the POV. They wonder if the POV is a reversal game. Like the Bizarro world. Whoever wins POV will have to go home. When Ragamuffin finally returns she's still off and running with the engagement story only now she wants CBS to pay for her wedding like that Bachelorette got her wedding paid for. Ugh! What is the Ragamuffin up to? She's beginning to freak me out. She clouds my judgment and makes me crazy.

Later in the Red Room Ragamuffin and Kevin are talking. You can tell Kevin is scared shitless and a little hurt. He kind of can't believe Ragamuffin would forfeit playing in the POV just to see someone from home. He knows that if he loses that POV, he's going home. Ragamuffin insists that everyone else would have done the exact same thing. Kevin thinks BB tailor made that Pandora's Box for Natalie because BB wants Michele safe. I love how he's so suspicious of BB's motives. He's totally right by the way. You know BB wants Michele or Jordan to win. He goes on to say that he thinks the POV competition will be slanted to something that Michele can definitely win. You can see he's almost giving up, but Ragamuffin tells him to start thinking positive.

Ragmuffin goes outside and presses Jordan for info on who she'd get rid of if she won POV. Jordan tells her she doesn't trust Kevin, but Ragamuffin pushes hard for Michele to go. She says she thinks she can beat Kevin in the end, but not Michele. Jordan eats an entire duck and says she has no idea who she wants to go yet.

The night ends with the Ragamuffin planning her wedding with the girls and here is where I need to ask all of my lovely perfect readers for their help. Do you think the Ragamuffin really got engaged? Do you think that perhaps she met with a jury member instead? Maybe Jessie? Do you think she really can't play in POV or is that just another one of her evil lies? Could she have a mystery power? Is Pandora's Box really done? Let's gets a good lively debate going about this in the comments. Enlighten me oh gorgeous perfect leprechaun loving readers. Let's figure this shit out and beat the Ragamuffin at her own game.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

Satan Herself

Is everyone ok? Did you all survive the night? I know, I know my children... Golden Boy is gone and all your hearts are breaking. Come to Lala and cry it out. I promise not to laugh at you for a good solid 5 seconds. Now who's ready to party? Oh divine day! The fringe element of the Chat Hag Army has vowed to never watch BB again. They've all OD'd on progesterone at this point (someone kindly notified me that progesterone is what you take for hot flashes not estrogen) and now they're just sitting around waiting for Cougar Town to air on Lifetime. Obviously, Dirt didn't clue anyone in to the fact that Courtney Cock shouldn't be headlining a show, but who am I to judge? Oh wait... judging is the "job" I've given myself here at the BBBB. Let the evil commence!

First things first, live show to discuss. Russell is safely esconced in the Jury House and will thankfully not be returning to the game. Oh seriously, how much sex are Lydia and Jessie having? I think I saw some stray sperm on that couch. Anyhow, I kind of liked it when Russell joined them and they all hugged and became buddy buddy. When the boys said they'd still vote for Jeff in the Final 2, my heart swelled. I knew they'd vote for best strategy. It keeps me hopeful that Jordan will not win this game. Jeff, on the other hand, will be a different story. I think he'll 100%, no questions asked, vote personal. He'll look at who screwed him over the least and vote for that person. The guy can't handle getting his got got so to speak. Russell won't do shit to him when Jeff finally does arrive. Ironically enough, Russell knows it's all a game. Jeff will be uncomfortable for about 10 minutes and they'll all have a good time masturbating and drinking by the pool. No worries.

Jeff's speech... can we talk about this please? Not what I expected at all. A little disappointing quite frankly. I know I love the drama of an evil speech, but Jeff's wasn't even evil. It was like a big baby throwing a tantrum. Jeff calling Kevin a backstabber is fucking hysterical. Pot meet kettle. Jeff backstabbed much worse than Kevin ever did. Jeff went against an alliance (Russell) he had for weeks, an alliance he swore on his family on. Kevin simply played Jeff. There was no trust there. Golden Boy got got. He could dish it, but he couldn't take it. Natalie and Kevin convincing Jeff to turn on Russell will go down as one of the biggest moves of this game. Like it or not, it was a great fucking move.

Jordan's speech was just all over the place. I have no idea what the hell what she was saying. I was just waiting for her boobs to pop out of that dress. Oh come on! You were thinking it too. Unfortunately, her boobs stayed covered and Dingbat Dough Girl never got her departing kiss from Golden Boy. So sad. Perhaps now we can focus on the game instead of a twisted relationship between two idiots where one is always berating the other.

Last but not least Julie Chen said the most evil words ever... some more shit to come from that stupid Pandora's Box. I think it'll be just another luxury thing that Natalie can choose to share with the house or not. Knowing her, she will NOT share it. She's desperate for prizes at this point and I think she'll try to keep something all to herself and try not to tell anyone else about it. Speaking of the Ragamuffin, how many of you stuck hot pokers in your eyes when she won HOH? LOL That was the final straw for a lot of people in the chats. Personally, I'm just glad Michele didn't win. My only goal this week is to see Kevin safe. Ragamuffin is essentially powerless. Everything rides on that POV.

The feeds came on fairly quickly after the live show ended and Natalie and Kevin immediately reviewed the questions from the HOH comp. It turns out we got fish during the live show because Kevin said "mofo". He had no idea he wasn't allowed to say that and I think they yelled at him a little afterwards. Jordan seemed to be OK and she wasn't crying or anything.

In a weird turn of events the HG's got a Luxury Shopping Spree last night. It required them to grab clothes off of mannequins and everyone seemed really pleased afterwards.

Ragamuffin was able to snag the Seinfeld "Puffy Shirt" and a bunch of other stuff that didn't really fit her.

Michele grabbed the ugliest tackiest clothes I've ever seen. Is she going to a crafting convention in this shirt?

Jordan, on the other hand, turned to the bottle. Submarine Sandwich downed an entire bottle of wine in under an hour. You go girl! One thing I did notice with Jordan, other than her new alkie ways, was that she seemed to insantly grow up a little in the matter of a couple of hours. Could it be that Jeff has been holding her down this whole time? I think so. Her world was Jeff. Now that Jeff is finally gone, her world can rightly go back to being about Jordan. Am I the only one who saw her carry herself differently, speak more directly, and sit a little taller? Jeff leaving could be the best thing that's ever happened to Jordan. Sure, she's a two ton wine swilling alkie now, but she's more mature and that's all that counts. LOL

Kevin was called to the DR and it was time for some girl talk. Ass Licker, Drunky McGee, and Ragamuffin are all in the kitchen eating some pizza. They're discussing Final 2 possibilities and Ragamuffin blurts out that she wants to get Kevin out. Before all the members of The Scarfed One Fan Club go into a panic, calm down. Ragamuffin is lying. She's already planned with Kevin to nominate him so the others think they aren't as close as they really are. Jordan is utterly shocked from the idea of Natalie turning on Kevin and you can see the rusty wheels begin to turn in her head. She's wondering if Natalie is trustworthy after all. Ragamuffin is going on and on about how Kevin would be impossible to beat in the Final 2 and I kind of want to slap her in the face. She's right about Kevin being unbeatable, but she doesn't have to vocalize to the other two so loudly, does she?

Finally we get the moment Mr. O'Shaugnessy was dreading. We get Ragamuffin's HOH reveal. Mr. O'Shaugnessy spent all last night crying into his tumbler of Whiskey. I told you how he loathes the Ragamuffin, but I'm wondering if he's crying from his date with Deion. You broke my leprechaun Deion! That's it. No one else can borrow him from here on out. I had to stay up with him all night singing Enya and Corrs songs to him and I'm never doing that shit again if I can help it. Today I have to buy him a new hat and suspenders from Neiman's. He has very expensive taste. He's mad the Ragamuffin got new clothes and he didn't. I think I'll pop on over to the Sharper Image as well and buy him one of those massage chairs. You haven't lived until you've seen a giggling vibrating leprechaun... naked.

OK so Ragamuffin gets her room and it's filled with junk food and candy. Big Brother must be super pissed off at me because they gave her two tubs of Red Vines. Ragamuffin eating candy, let alone chewy candy, makes my brain bleed. She had some photos of her dad and Ms. Turkey Roll slurred, "Awww he's so cute. He looks Spanish!". The photos of her boyfriend... can we talk about this? Dude looks old. I know I swore not to pick on people unaffiliated with the game, but CRADLE ROBBER... that's all I'm gonna say. Chicken Chow Mein picked up a photo of one of Natalie's friends and claimed she didn't look like she was 18. Ragamuffin snarled and grabbed it out of her hand and insisted her friend didn't look old.

Ragmuffin continued to go through her HOH basket announcing, "I asked for this! I asked for this! I asked for this too!" Uh duh. BB tends to give you things you ask for you rabid freak. If you can't tell already, yes Ragamuffin is beginning to bug me. I really don't like her when she feels safe and I have a feeling that she's going to be a nightmare HOH. I still think she's an evil genius and has pulled off some of the greatest moves this season, but she's also very annoying. She gets to her letter and it's from her dad. He tells her to make good choices and not to cheapen herself. Ragamuffin declares the letter must be old because he didn't mention her boyfriend and then she goes back to digging through her shit. There was cookie dough in the fridge and she says, "Jordan that must be for you." She also had 2 Mike's Lemonades and she insists they're left over from Kevin and she shoves in the back of the fridge. Instead she holds up her Arizona Green Tea and begins to tell us over and over again how much she loves it and how she drinks it all the time. By this time, my head is splitting and I'm praying for sleep.

Check it out for yourself. Please to enjoy: (Thanks Shea and birddog1!)

Actually, I did fall asleep... for a little bit. I woke to find Michele, Kevin and Ragamuffin in the HOH talking about nothing really. Michele talks about her bedazzled jean shorts and Kevin insists they're cute. No they're not. Michele finally leaves and Ragamuffin and Kevin waste no time laying into Michele. They call her "the bitch" and agree that the "the bitch has to go". Ragmuffin checks the spy screen to make sure Michele isn't listening in. They begin to straighten out the lies they've been telling Michele and I have to admit I'm completely lost. At this point, I assume everything they say is a lie. It's much more fun to try to pick out the truths since they're so rare. Kevin talks about trying to convince Michele he's not tight with Natalie at all. Their goal is to get Michele to take them to the Final 3 with her if she is the one making the decision.

Natalie says, "I'm gonna go balls out. Michele has to go." Ragamuffin's plan is to nominate Michele and Kevin. If Kevin or Ragamuffin wins POV, Kevin will come down and Jordan will go up. Ragamuffin thinks she'll strain her relationship with Jordan in doing this, but Kevin thinks Jordan will be fine just knowing that Michele is the target. Ragamuffin begins to wonder about her nomination speeches. She really wants to tell Michele what she thinks of her and call her out in front of everyone, but she doesn't know if it's a smart move at this point. She asks, "Is it a smart game move to tell her how I feel?" They talk about Jordan and how there's no way she's going home this week. They say how it must be nice to not win anything and sail until the Final 3.

Ragamuffin then tells Kevin the speech she wants to give Michele today during the nomination ceremony. This shit is funny so pay attention: "First off I want to begin by saying... Week 4 in Ronnie's eviction speech, everything he told you is exactly right. He was right on point of everything he said about you. I feel the same way. In fact, I also think you are a backstabbing habitual liar. What you did to Chima was the ultimate betrayal and you should feel despicable. You said that you dedicated your life to Christian values. Well, unfortunately for you when you walked into this house you threw all your Christian values away. Last week you tried to make a deal with me for Final 3 to keep Jeff in this house. Well, guess what? Maybe I haven't dedicated my whole life to Christain values but I also am a Christian. As a Christian I know not to make a deal with the devil and if I would of made a deal with you Michele I would have been making a deal with Satan herself so I respectfully decline your deal and I've nominated you for eviction... you know something along those lines." LMAO A speech dipped in chocolate, rolled in macadamia nuts, and covered in rubies. Rubies are red and red represents fire and fire represents hell. I'm quite certain that the Ragamuffin and "Satan herself" both reside in the ninth ring of hell. Kevin, bless his heart, says, "Is there a way you can make it sound less bitchy?" AHAHAHA!!!

She then tells Kevin what his speech will be. Something along the lines of how he must surprised by his nomination, but she hopes he can one day get over it and be her friend again. She says she'll mention the chess metaphor Kevin came up with when he called her the Queen. She'll say she's honored he thinks she's a queen, but he 's been her pawn and there comes a point where you have to sacrifice a pawn. Kevin tells her it sounds a little staged because this whole time she's been saying that nominations don't matter and her speeches are making the nominations sound like they are super important. Natalie insists they are because if she wins POV who she nominates matters. They agree that Kevin will react with a lot of eye rolling... nothing too dramatic.

So expect to see Michele and Kevin on the block and maybe something will happen with that Pandora's box today.

I know you all saw a commercial last night for Amazing Race and YES I will be doing a Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. There's nothing over there yet, but start following and bookmarking so you don't miss a thing. I'll be updating it this weekend and sending out tweets accordingly.
Have a great day everyone! Big BBUK finale today!

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Thursday, September 3, 2009

Vibrators Make Lovely Parting Gifts

OK time's a wasting. We've got... actually, we've got very little to cover today. Golden Boy will be riding out on his white horse and I've already got my wine chilling. I know many of you love him and had he not turned out to be a moronic douchebag maybe I could have learned to like him too. It's well documented how much I hate hypocrites and, well, Jeffy Pooh is the poster boy for hypocrites as far as I'm concerned. 2 weeks ago he spent all his time telling Russell that BB was just a game and how he got got and how he should man up and take it. Well Jeffy Pooh, back at you. In a matter of a week's time, you've turned into 5 times the bitter bitch that Russell ever was. Only Russell had the balls to confront his HOH. You won't even talk to Kevin because you're so busy pouting. Even Braden went out taking it all in stride and I can't stand that guy. Don't worry though Jeffy Pooh, you'll win America's Favorite and every menopausal woman from here to Puerto Rico (greetings my Puerto Rican readers!) will be wanting to get freaky with you. Keep some estrogen on hand in your nightstand from here on out. You'll be one VERY busy boy.

OK so the Ragamuffin is riding the crimson wave and, like I do, she's bitching about it constantly. BB has given her some Thermocare heating pads but she's unthrilled and spends most of the day clutching a pillow in bed. She almost looks precious in that photo doesn't she? Ok ok stop throwing rotten tomatoes at your computers. She's not precious at all. I have only one thing to say about the Ragamuffin menstruating... why didn't she act like this last month? Last month when Jessie was there and she was a Have-Not she only bitched about the cold showers. I don't recall her having bad cramps or problems at all. I realize my memory is shit and I can't remember what happened 2 days ago, but am I wrong about this? I don't think so.

Ragamuffin tells Kevin how Jeff approached her wondering about if she's going along with the deal or not. Ragamuffin told him that the deal sounded good, but she just doesn't trust Michele at all. She thinks making a deal with Michele is like making a deal with the devil.

I'm so feeling you on this Ragamuffin. It's not even funny.

We cut to Satan... er I mean Michele outside talking to Jeff about whether or not they will actually throw the HOH. Michele giggles and jiggles and says of course she will. She'll fall down if she has to. Jeff says that if he's going to throw the comp that he'll do it with flair possibly getting injured in the process. They compare BB battle wounds and I got bored and went to the grocery store. Mr. O'Shaugnessy was out of Whiskey and Cabbage and I had to go buy him some more. You should see his shopping list. What he needs duct tape and cotton balls for I'll never know. I'm thinking it's for his date with Deion. I know he signed the release forms and I'm almost scared to ask him what they've got planned.

Anyhow, I ran to grocery store and on the way back I bought lemonade from some little kids in my neighborhood. I'm such a do-gooder. I gave them $5 for a warm glass of powdered crap. I'm quite sure I just funded their next crack run. Those little 8 year olds are so up to no good. I can feel it. I came back to discover Golden Boy, his Doughy Princess, and an awkward Ass Licker all lounging around the pool.

Golden Boy worked on his eviction tan.

Chunky McMuffin played with her brain.

And Sybil retreated to her padded cell. Is that not the best picture ever?

The Scarfed One got his camera and wanted to take some pics, but Jeff simply sat in the pool calling him a "fucking scumbag". Jesus Christ Jeff. Lydia was in a unitard going bat shit crazy while Russell threw her in the pool yet she managed to be a good sport and pose for pics. Lydia, wherever you are, with your head in Jessie's crotch, I miss you. Kevin put on his space suit and pretended like the Green Room was outer space while the Ragamuffin photographed it and Jeff continued to pout.

This brings us to most controversial moment in the day. A moment that sent Twitter into a Ragamuffin hating frenzy. Ragamuffin was talking to Kevin and she mentioned how she wanted to swindle Jeff's Hawaii trip out of him. She wanted to tell Jeff that she'll vote to keep him if he gives her his Hawaii trip. LMAO. She is so evil. I just have to respect it. She does not want to leave this house empty handed. She wants to make it legal though. She wanted the DR to draw up a legal document or some shit like that guaranteeing that she would get to keep Jeff's trip even if she voted him out after he gave it to her. Kevin just looked at her and laughed saying that she must really hate her life. Ragamuffin played with morals for a teeny tiny bit and actually considered maybe keeping Jeff if he did give her that trip. It would be a nice gesture after all. Kevin then asked her how she'd feel with a shiny knife in her back. I thought the whole thing was funny and evil, but Jeff fans burned their Ragamuffin dolls and demanded she be kicked out of the game.

Speaking of all things legal, the rumor mill is now working overtime claiming that Natalie has outsiding warrants out against her. They are all for failure to appear in court. No one knows if they are for parking tickets or for beating some girl up. Either way, who cares? It has nothing to do with Big Brother. CBS does background checks and obviously they saw nothing dangerous. I did a background check on myself once and found out an expired car tag was still on there from years ago. My tags are all up to date now thank you very much, but I had a car I wasn't driving so I let the tags expire. Now that shit shows up on my record. That's bullshit if you ask me. It's not like I was driving the car at the time. See? I'm still bitter about it. Whatever Natalie has on her record is probably for something silly like that. I mean, I seriously doubt AG would cast anyone who's potentially dangerous.

Anyhow, Kevin and Natalie spend some time in the HOH making a PlayDoh calendar and going over what happened on all the important days in the house. Ragamuffin is pretty good at it actually. She remembers everything. I have no doubt she'll buckle and fail in a competition, but she definitely knew her stuff last night.

At one point, Kevin went downstairs to see if they got alcohol. They were given a bottle of wine. Kevin took a glass, even though he doesn't drink, marched upstairs and dumped it out. It was all part of Operation Fuck Jeff. Kevin didn't want the wine. Natalie didn't want the wine. They just didn't want Jeff to get it all. LOL OK now that shit is funny. That's totally something I'd do because I'm very, you know, mature and dignified. Look if Jeff had done that to Kevin you'd all think it was hysterical, so there.

Outside Jeff, Jordan, and Michele are talking all things Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. Jordan knows they think she's dumb and she doesn't get why Kevin is so close to Natalie even if he's not planning on taking her to the Final 2. Well, Cherry Garcia, Kevin is playing strategic. He doesn't let personal shit affect his game just like he's doesn't let the game affect his personal relationships. He can separate the two... something that is completely foreign to Jordan's empty head. Jordan then proceeds to totally infuriate me and she makes a Final 2 deal with Michele. Jordan is the one person that Michele could actually win against. I banged my head into the wall and stuck safety pins in between my toes. That is quite possibly the ONLY Final 2 that would send me to the funny farm. There will be hell to pay if Jordan and Michele battle it out at the end. I fear for Mr. O'Shaugnessy's life. I might become dangerous.

The only thing I have to comfort me is the smug look on Russell's face when Jeff joins him in the Jury House. I mean, seriously, that's why Jeff is so pissed. He's mortified he'll be seeing Russell again so soon. He talked so much shit and now he can't live up to any of it. I cannot wait to see the Jury House footage next Thursday. So much drama!

Jordan and Michele are drinking wine and Jordan wonders how Jeff will kiss her when he leaves tonight. Jeff doesn't know if he'll be able to deliver a kiss because he'll be so pissed off. Jordan gets mad. Apparently, this goodbye kiss is something they have planned. Alright admit it, how many of you menopausal hags will swoon and tear up if Jeff and Jordan lock lips tonight? I knew it. Every single damn one of you.

Nothing too exciting happened during BBAD at all. There was one late late night convo between Jeff, Michele and Jordan. They're all in bed talking about pruney vaginas and shriveled penises. So basically, you know Michele was in heaven. Jeff says that water and penises don't mix. Jordan gets confused and Michele flings her clothes off and humps the bed post. Jordan wonders why boys wake up with hard ons and Jeff tells her it's cuz they're always dreaming about banging chicks. Michele, at this point, was trying to put her legs over her head and service herself.

Jeff tells them that he's never had blue balls. If he doesn't finish off with a girl, then he'll go home and finish himself off. He thinks it's funny and does a really weird laugh. Jordan is still confused and Michele's pillow has completely disappeared at this point. Jordan continues to ask about sore penises and Jeff tells her that jacking off is like popping a zit. Jordan gets offended and thinks he's criticizing her complexion. She huffs and puffs and says, "Well I'm glad I don't have a penis and balls then. I'm glad I wake up with a vagina and not a penis crying for attention." Jeff says, "It should be crying for attention. It probably has spider webs in it." They joke that Jordan's vagina has a sign on it that says, "Be back in 5 minutes" and the sign never gets flipped over.

Michele asks Jordan if she has a vibrator and Jordan says, "No, I wouldn't even know how to use one." Michele says, "It's easy." Jeff says, "She [Michele] probably makes eggs with her vibrator." Jordan says, "What do you do? Stick in it your cooch?" Michele laughs and says, "No you stick it by your clit. Job done!" Michele starts talking about double headed ones and how she broke her vibrator at home. Jeff says Michele probably hooks hers up to a car battery. Jordan says, "I'll bet you and your husband have some crazy sex. I don't want to picture it." Jeff says, "Yeah I've thought about that." Michele gets all excited and says, "You've thought about me having sex? Thanks Jeff!"

Jordan tells Michele that now she's lost all this weight that she should buy some sexy lingerie. Michele's giggles and I vomit up my morning muffin. I'm listening to this shit on flashback right now and it's grossing me out. Ewww. Michele just said she orders her sex toys off of Amazon. Ok why do I picture all of my readers rushing over to Amazon right now? If you do, click on my ads to get there you little pervs. Michele goes on to say that she cleans her house in her French Maid outfit and Jeff asks Jordan if she'll ever do that. Jordan says she would now that she's had her boobs done. Jeff says that's hot and says she has to follow through if she puts on an outfit like that. Jordan then goes into some moronic story about someone she knows and I don't give two shits about it so I'm ending this here. Oh one more thing... Jeff just said that now he's looking forward to going to the Jury House. He said, "I'm going to beat my junk like it owes me money!" and the room erupts in laughter. Michele tells Jordan she's sending her a vibrator and Jeff says he's sending her one too for Christmas. Jordan says, "I thought you were getting me an iPod." Jeff replies, "No, iPenis."

Expect to see Jeff go home tonight. It doesn't really matter who wins HOH tonight. POV is everything so if Ragamuffin loses, which she will, I won't punish Mr. O'Shaugnessy just yet. He's already hiding in his cubby hole packing for his trip to Deion's. If all you bitches keep borrowing my leprechaun, I'm going to have to start charging money.

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A New Day, A New Rumor

Greetings Rumor Seekers! Gossip Girl here. Seriously, this Pandora's Box thing will never die. It only gains more strength as each day passes, but since I'm getting tips by email and twitter now I'm totally putting on my latest Diane Von Furstenberg, a fabulous ribboned headband, and some neon tights that don't match anything. OK now I'm ready to dish. This new incarnation of the rumor began for me Tuesday night. Via Twitter someone sent me, BB11_Unleashed, and Chima Simone (I know... totally weird) a tweet pointing out how Russell's opening credits were not of him leaving the house (like on Sunday), but were of him still in the house. Hmmm interesting. I chalked it up to CBS making a silly mistake and went about my day.

THEN I began to hear how the $10,000 in the Pandora's Box was the $10,000 that Russell won. He had essentially "bought his way back" into the game. Ridiculous. I'm not buying this for one second.

The newest rumor, the one all the chat hags are DYING to hear, is one that definitely caught my attention. Typically, I don't go around willy nilly posting the crap everyone is saying online and if I do, it's only to make fun of it and belittle all who believe it, but this one was different. This one sounded legit. I was told it came from someone who knows someone who knows someone in AG's little curly world. Well, that's good enough for me right? I mean, that's akin to gospel at this point. I read the new info, sat on it (literally, I sat on my laptop... hoping osmosis would trigger my bullshit radar so to speak) for a few hours, researched it, teased it, fluffed it up and made it pretty, and then decided it was all bullshit. I analyzed the shit out of this thing because I don't want to be made a fool of and I don't want to falsely give hope to my readers. Hope? Did you see what I did there? Ohhh I'm so naughty.

After much discussion, research, and going back and forth on this, I'll go ahead and post it. Although I'm sure at this point other sites are already posting their derivation of it. In fact, that's what pissed me off about this whole thing. I thought what I had received was privileged information when, in fact, it looks like it originated from a message forum comment. Did that comment come from someone "official"? I doubt it. I think, like all things BB this season, it's merely conjecture. I'll go on record saying that I don't believe it. If it turns out to be true... well, then you heard it here first and I'll demand you address me as BB Gossip Girl from here on out. If it's not true, I told you so and I knew it all along.

Here we go. Come to your own conclusions. I'd love to hear what you guys think about this in the comments.

As I described here in the story of Pandora's Box, opening Pandora's Box releases EVIL, but at the bottom of the box lies HOPE. Kevin chose to release the evil and he was subsequently handcuffed and prevented from taking part in the money grabbing merriment. The key represented hope. Jeff used the key to free Kevin and allow him to get some money for himself. The key is not done working it's magic yet. Jeff, who will be evicted tonight, will be instructed to hand the key off to a Juror allowing that Juror to reenter the house. Since the Russell titles were weird on Tuesday, the rumor is that Russell will be given that key to come back to the BB house and resume play. Apparently, when Chima was expelled the sponsors did not get the Double Eviction they were promised and they were not pleased. Those bitches want their Double Eviction and they will now get it Sunday, September 6.

OK that sounds kind of believable right? Well, not so fast sparky. Let's work through this together. Let's say that Natalie had found the key. She's safe this week. She's not going anywhere. She wouldn't be able to hand that key off to an evicted Juror. Did AG invent the whole "hand the key off to a Juror" thing after she realized Jeff would be leaving? Possibly, but I doubt it.

The other red flag standing out to me is the thing about the sponsors. When Chima left, the ratings soared. Although... that was on a Tuesday and the Double Eviction was supposed to happen on a Thursday. I never pay attention to who advertises on the show, but are the Tuesday and Thursday night people so different that one of them would cause a stink over not getting a Thursday Double Eviction? Possibly, but again I doubt it.

Allison Grodner said all along that Pandora's Box was a "responsibility" not a power. Does this mean it's up to Kevin to decide who will come back? Maybe he just decides whether or not someone will come back at all. Did his "responsibilty" end as soon as he chose to open Pandora's Box?

ALSO Russell has been out of the house for a week now. I don't think BB has ever had someone out of the game that long only to have them come back. When Krazy James came back it was only a matter of minutes, BUT what if the HG's had decided to bring Alex back instead during BB9? Where had he been hiding out? Did they keep locked up in a hotel room? Has Russell been locked up in a hotel room somewhere? Did he ever even make it to the Jury House? Sure, we'll find out in 7 hours, but like Veruca Salt I want to know NOOOOOOOOW!

OR is Allison Grodner simply scared that Russell will bash in Jeff's face so in an effort to save her Golden Boy she'll send Russell back into the game? HA! I invented this one myself. Spend enough time wallowing in Rumorville and they just sort of begin coming to you.

So while the new rumor sounds good in theory and the hinky opening credits on Tuesday definitely back it up, I'm thinking it's all wishful thinking on someone's part. Personally, I think Pandora's Box is over. Golden Boy is going home and no one is coming back. Fans are so fucking desperate for Natalie or Kevin not to win this thing that they'll invent anything to calm their minds.

That's it. That's all I got. What do you guys think? Do you buy any of this? Do you think Russell is coming back?

Today's recap will be up in a little bit. I wanted to post this rumor business first because I know some people were waiting on it.

"You know you love me. Ex Oh. Ex Oh." - Gossip Girl

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Big Bitchy Contest Day #2

(For today's recap, please go to the post before this one)

This is the thread to post your Big Bitchy Contest entries for today. For rules and prize information please check out The Big Bitchy Contest.

Remember to put your name down if you're entering anonymously.


It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of (1) LIQUID and trays of (2) FOOD ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a (3) OBJECT with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of (4) NOUN. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said (5) FUNNY QUOTE. They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil (6) PLURAL NOUN in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s (7) BODY PART and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy (8) VERB Jeff’s (9) BODY PART. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, (10) JORDAN-ISM and Jeff replied (11) JEFF-ISM.

Michele was decked out in a (12) ADJECTIVE dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a (13) NOUN up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt (14) EMOTION.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing (15) MUSICIAN/BAND and comparing their (16) PLURAL NOUN.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her (17) NOUN and he shook his (18) PLURAL NOUN. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his (19) NOUN kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best (20) GARMENT. It was (21) COLOR and smattered with (22) PLURAL NOUN. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the (23) THINGS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the (24) ADJECTIVE voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting (25) CHIMA-ISM, you motherfuckers!

The End

Only 2 More Days Of This Crap

I am completely full of love today. I don't think I can make fun of anyone at all. I might just have to turn in my Bitch Card. My mother, who used to make fun of me for watching Big Brother, would always ask, "How can you sit around watching that trash all the time?" just called me and said the sweetest phrase ever, "I watched the show last night. God that girl is an idiot!" *weeps openly* Yes, my dear readers, she was talking about Jordan. I decided my coffee this morning needed some Bailey's and I asked, "So what did you think of Jeff? Do you think he's cute?" Oh, let me interject saying that I kind of think Jeff looks like my brother. We'll call him Not Jeff. I had told my mom that all the menopausal hags (my mother is a proud member of this group) loved Jeff and wanted to molest him repeatedly and that I thought Jeff kind of resembled Not Jeff. My mother replied, "I think Not Jeff is much cuter. That guy on the show was just so arrogant!" *tears of joy fall into morning muffin* Have you ever heard anything so beautiful my fellow bitches? She's seen the show exactly once and that was the conclusion she came to - Jordan is an idiot and Jeff is arrogant. Oh and she also said that Jeff must be an idiot too for liking someone as stupid as Jordan. Either my mother's a genius or being a bitch runs in the family.

While we're on the topic, let's discuss the CBS show last night. Oh let me just say that, yes, I've heard the ridiculous rumors about the key Jeff found being anything from a diamond veto, cookie dough for life for Jordan, and an instant pass to the final. I never wrote about these rumors here because they are ummm, how do I put this, FUCKING MORONIC! Anyone who actually believes that BB would give Jordan cookie dough for life needs to have their head examined. Someone posted a link in my contest thread to a blog post about all of these ridiculous assumptions. I have since removed the link because A) I don't endorse any other blogs I haven't previously checked out myself and B) The spoilers on that site had not one shred of fact in them. Pandora's Box was a game where Kevin could choose to keep all the money for himself or he could let all the HG's play for it. We all saw last night how it played out. That's it. It's done. Jeff stays on the block. The key was nothing more than something to release Kevin.

Speaking of Pandora's Box, how fucking funny was that? Natalie and Jeff were so selfish that I almost found it charming. Many of the chatters were instantly questioning why Kevin would trust someone like that. I said that Kevin doesn't trust her at all and has no intention of taking her to the final 2. No one believed me and I was forced to bask in my genius all alone. Well, last night during BBAD Natalie's performance in Pandora's Box was mentioned. Turns out I was right. More on this later.

Also the chat hags delighted in making fun of Natalie during that POV comp. Ummm bitches she came in second place. She beat both Jeff and Jordan. Now go pop some estrogen and leave me alone. Michele was fast in that comp and I'll give her that, but how heavenly was it when Jeff said, "Get away from me" at the end. I had Mr. O'Shaugnessy dump a whole tub of glitter all over me. It's bitchy little phrases like that that just make me want to sparkle. We put on some Electric Light Orchestra and did an interpretive dance to honor Jeff's outrageously rude and immature remark. It involved a lot on contracting and expanding. Spirit fingers everywhere. Hot!

OK so back to the BB house. I could sum it up with one word: Boring. These bitches sleep all the damn time and it's very frustrating. Although I did manage to enjoy my BBUK eviction yesterday uninterrupted (I loved Lisa by the way. I based Debbie, Michele's lesbian lover, on her.). I usually have to keep an eye on the BBUS house while watching my BBUK live stream, but not yesterday. I was free to kick back and talk all things British for a few hours. Big sloppy naked shout out to my BBUK buddies - MangoCrusher, herdleader, donawatches, etc. I'm rubbing Mr. O'Shaugnessy's head in your honor. OK so yeah the HG's are uber boring and Kevin and Natalie even plot some little pranks to play to liven things up. Now we're talking! I love a good prank. They decide to jimmy the kitchen faucet to spray people and they use rubber bands to rig it. In the end, they didn't do it right and it failed, but I admire the attempt. They also discussed maybe putting a bucket over a door and dumping water on someone (all very PARENT TRAP kind of pranks). They nixed that idea because it would ruin the microphones. Then Kevin, bless his heart, says they should make a fake Idol and hide it (where are my Survivor fans at?). He says whoever finds it will have immunity. HAHA! I heart him so much.

Let's check in on the Boring Twins and see what they're up to. Oh dear. Jordan is sniffing Jeff's pits. Dammit! The mission to save the muffin has failed. I repeat, the mission to keep my breakfast muffin safely in my stomach has failed. Why on earth does Jordan keep doing that? God, it's SO disgusting. Seriously you guys, is this something you do in your spare time? If any of you say yes, I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave. I have a strict velvet rope policy against pit sniffers. After inhaling Jeff's manliness, Jordan tells him how he loses his patience so easily. She tells him about he yelled at her for a card game. Jeff instantly gets all defensive and snaps that he didn't lose his patience. In essence, he's losing his patience over being accused of losing his patience. You'd think someone killed his puppy or something by the way he's acting. You got got Jeff. What's wrong? Can't you handle it?

Later Michele and Jordan have a little chitchat about what life on the outside will be like. Michele wonders if she'll even have a job anymore. Jordan asks her if she'll find another job if she loses her current one. Michele clams up and says she doens't want to say anything about her employment on camera. Oh ok. You'll talk openly about butt plugs, butthole pleasures, and ass licking, but you won't say anything about your place of employment. Smart decision Michele. It's because of all that ass talk that you're paranoid in the first place. Way to draw the line Michele. I hate you.

Back in CandyLand, Jeff is telling Jordan to go all the way to the Final 2. People want to take her because she hasn't done anything in the game and Jordan just doesn't feel worthy on a Final 2 spot. You shouldn't feel worthy Frankfurter Thighs. You should be embarrassed. Jeff tells her to fuck everyone else and that he'd vote for her to win in the Final 2. Oh isn't that precious? Hell no! It's moronic. Jordan says, "Awwww, you'd vote for me? Even though I haven't done anything?" Jordan kisses him and he says, "Wanna get a hotel?" Jordan then pouts because she kissed him and he didn't do anything back to her. Jeff says, "Want me to grab a boob?"

Then she lies down on his lap and I'll admit I got a little excited. I was thinking to myself, "Show him some oral love Milkshake Breath!" No dice. She just lay there literally cock teasing the poor boy.

Jeff asks why a "double u isn't a double v" and I stabbed my foot with a fire place poker. I'm just going to leave it there. I've instructed Mr. O'Shaugnessy to twist and turn it every time Jeff or Jordan do something stupid. Needless to say my foot is now a jangle of unprotected nerves and I'm in immense pain. Jeff abandons his deep discussion of the alphabet and he talks about his speech on Thursday. Jordan asks him what he's going to say and he says he'll say something like, "Lick my nuts!" Jordan smacks him and says, "Nooooo!" and I stuck a letter opener in my ear.

All the HG's decide to make a nice dinner together. They make some steak and potatoes and Michele ruined some macaroni and cheese with soggy breadcrumbs (I repeat, never let her cook!). They kept checking the Storage Room every 5 minutes for their alcohol delivery, but none ever came. Natalie declared she was going to drink Kevin's Mike's Hard Lemonade and Jeff started eating before everyone else's food was done. Always the gentlemen. Kevin warns Ragamuffin against drinking too much saying she'll get all crunk. She claims she can drink a 6 pack if she wanted to. I remember the last time she drank when she yelled at everybody and Jessie had to flip her over his shoulder. She's a hysterical drunk so I crossed my fingers and hoped for some more good times.

It was here that the Ragamuffin informs us that she'll be getting her period soon. $50 says she blames any and all HOH or POV losses on her period. Michele runs outside to licks Jeff's toes. She informs him that Natalie is about to go on her period. He says, "What does that mean?" Well Jeffy Pooh, once a month an egg is released.. oh just shut the fuck up. Mr. O'Shaugnessy that fucking hurts. Try not to put all of your weight into it next time. Those little fuckers are much stronger than they look. Michele goes on to tell Jeff that Natalie will be all crampy and poopy in the competitions and Jeff says, "Is she gonna take this deal or not man? It's too fucking sweet to pass up." He kicks over his linkin log castle and pouts. Michele attaches her strap on and declares that she'll need to kiss the Ragamuffin's ass a little more.

Meanwhile inside, Ragamuffin announces that tomorrow she’ll spend the day in bed. Kevin says, “Again?” She says this time it’ll be for cramps. Apparently, the Ragamuffin gets them really bad. Before she’s gotten them and she’s fainted they were so bad. I feel your pain sister. I’m frightened we have something in common, but my regulars know that when it’s my time I turn into the older sister Ginny from SIXTEEN CANDLES and get super high on all things muscle relaxant. My face melts and I start telling unsuspecting old ladies in fancy hats. “Love the teapot.” Nat then takes her Mike’s Lemonade into the shower with her. Hmmm another thing we have in common. LOL Totally kidding. Maybe I’ll sip some wine when I’m enjoying a bubble bath, but no I don’t swill from a beverage you can get from 7-11 while showering.

Jeff is still outside bitching about Ragamuffin. He claims he'll write a book about how to win Big Brother and it'll say, "Sit around and do nothing." My god, he's so bitter. Ragamuffin did not sit around and do nothing. She invented some of the most delicious lies and was responsible for getting both Russell and Jeff out of the house. Sure, she hasn't won a damn thing, but her mouth has most definitely been playing. Jeff continues, "We have no alcohol, yet some 18 year old is sucking down someone's elses alcohol. What world am I living in?" You're living in the world of Sore Losers my dear.

During BBAD we see Michele and Kevin sitting outside discussing the Final 2. Kevin brings up Pandora's Box and says that he couldn't believe how Jeff and Natalie just went on collecting money without saving him. It really gave him an insight to their character and he realized he has to start playing this game for no one other than himself. He knows he can't trust Natalie in the end and he tells Michele how Natalie has a Final 2 deal with Jordan. He really thinks Natalie wants to be up against Jordan because she can easily beat her. I agree. This is precisely what Natalie wants. Everything in this conversation Kevin is having with Michele is aboslutely 100% rooted in truth and I think Michele knows it. She's listens to everything he has to say and Kevin makes a new pitch.

Kevin knows he can't win against Natalie so he'll be getting rid of her soon enough. He tells Michele he wants to go to the Final 2 with her. I've said before that I think I'm actually ok with this. Michele would be an idiot in the question/answer portion and her winning $50,000 is much better than Jordan winning it. Kevin tells Michele how Jeff wanted her out. Again, he's telling the truth. I don't know if Michele is buying any of it, but if she teamed up with Kevin for a Final 2 deal I wouldn't kill myself.

The night ends with the gang all playing Bullshit. The Ragamuffin has been drinking the whole time and like a Gizmo turning into an Gremllin, the Ragamuffin turns into Uber Ragamuffin. She gets so aggressive when she drinks. She bosses everyone around and yells a whole lot. It's sometimes funny and sometimes very annoying. She even starts getting testy with Kevin and I can't help but think her days are numbered. Uber Ragamuffin takes all of her bottled up evil and tells Jordan how Michele has offered her a deal to vote Jordan out. Jordan is actually shocked. Wait... I thought she wanted to go home so Jeff could stay?

So that's it. That's the skinny. That's the fat. Nothing too terribly exciting and I fear today will be even more boring. We have pictures, twitter, and the blog to look forward to and not much else.

Thanks to everyone entering the Big Bitchy Contest. You guys are cracking me up! If you're entering anonymously, be sure to put a nickname or something at the bottom of your entry. I'll be putting up a new contest thread for today's entries. You can enter as many times as you like. Don't forget to keep voting in the BBTop50 and have a great day everyone!

Super Special Happy Birthday to my sister! I have no idea if she's reading this (she better be if she knows what's good for her), but Happy Birthday Lorenzo Lamas (that's what I call her... don't ask why)! I got you this lovely mug with a leprechaun on it. LOL

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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Big Bitchy Contest

OK folks here it is. It's been weeks in the making, but I'm finally ready to announce The Big Bitchy Contest. *does cheerleader kicks while drinking bathtub gin*

Here's how it will work. You guys know MadLibs, right? Well, this is BB BitchLibs. I've written a little story and now all you good people are needed to finish it. Be creative. Be funny. Inspire me with your acumen. Submit your entries in the comments by listing your answers numbered 1-25.

I will pick 4 of what I deem to be the most entertaining submissions and then all of my lovely readers will vote for the winner. The winner will receive a one and only AUTHENTIC Mr. O'Shaugnessy Mug. He spent hours designing it and is very happy to share his creation with one lucky person.

You may enter as many times as you like. The contest will run for 1 week until 5:00 PM EST September 8th. I will repost the BB BitchLibs everyday for easy commenting. If you comment anonymously, just say who you are at the end of your submission. Make them silly. Make them rude. Most importantly, make them bitchy!



It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of (1) LIQUID and trays of (2) FOOD ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a (3) OBJECT with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of (4) NOUN. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said (5) FUNNY QUOTE. They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil (6) PLURAL NOUN in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s (7) BODY PART and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy (8) VERB Jeff’s (9) BODY PART. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, (10) JORDAN-ISM and Jeff replied (11) JEFF-ISM.

Michele was decked out in a (12) ADJECTIVE dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a (13) NOUN up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt (14) EMOTION.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing (15) MUSICIAN/BAND and comparing their (16) PLURAL NOUN.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her (17) NOUN and he shook his (18) PLURAL NOUN. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his (19) NOUN kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best (20) GARMENT. It was (21) COLOR and smattered with (22) PLURAL NOUN. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the (23) THINGS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the (24) ADJECTIVE voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting (25) CHIMA-ISM, you motherfuckers!

The End

Super special thanks goes out to PrettyPlainJo! She helped me the whole way through with planning this little contest and I'm deeply indebted to her. Please check out her blog and show her some love over at Pretty Plain Jo: The Blog.

The Man With The (Moronic) Plan

How do I describe how I'm feeling right now? CHARMED is on Season 3 again in it's morning TBS rotation (the Cole season!). My laptop valiantly defended me from a nasty virus yesterday while I searched for Survivor info. I got a shipment in the mail that made Mr. O'Shaugnessy work overtime last night (more on how this benefits you guys later). Some of my lovely readers have generously conrtibuted donations to the ever growing Bitchy Franchise. I saw my niece and it's official - she's not calling me PeePee anymore. I've learned that Ragamuffin costumes are available for infants everywhere to wear this Halloween (thanks Jamie!). I'm thinking I can singlehandedly bring saddle shoes back as a hip trend - work with me on this one. It could happen. I saw two more episodes of Gossip Girl (mlvlatina, I'm so addicted!). The Big Brother diet continues to work it's magic and I'm looking pretty fabulicious. And... oh yeah! Jeff and Jordan are on the block! Rave in my basement! Bring your glow sticks and shake your moneymakers. The golden couple has only 2 days more of life and, personally, I'm thrilled!

The POV ceremony came and went. Michele refused to save Jeff and now Jordan sits beside him on the eviction block. I've been waiting for this moment since Week 2 I think. I never liked the golden couple. It's much more fun to root for evil to prevail. I guess you could say I don't do sappy or stupid. I much prefer to warm my cold and bitter heart with ruthlessly wicked mind games. So yeah the Boring Twins are on the block and I put on a ball gown. Having gone to private girl schools all my life I've acquired an unusual amount of formal wear. You know your girl Lala hit every Homecoming in the Metro DC area. If there was a boys prep school I was somewhere in the vicinity wearing a fancy dress doing keg stands. Good times. I've decided to open my trunk of 1990's evening wear and don a new gown every few hours up until Thursday night. Sure, it'll be awkward doing my gorcery shopping in a floor length strapless number, but I suffer for my art people. I do it all for you.

After the POV cermony everyone napped and I ordered Mr. O'Shaugnessy under my floor length skirts. Jeffy Pooh is oh so sad and I'm busy not trying to spill mimosas down the front of my dress. Eventually Jordan and Ragamuffin wake up and have a little talk in the Green Room. Ragamuffin tells her how Michele keeps trying to convince her to vote out Jordan. LOL When in doubt, blame Michele. That's my new motto. Ragamuffin tells Jordan how Michele wants a Final 3 deal with the two of them and Jeff. Ragamuffin explains to Jordan how she never believes anything Michele says. Michele could tell her a tree is green and she still wouldn't believe her. Now we all know that the Ragamuffin is a duplicitous master of lies, but I think she's genuine with Jordan. I think she'd love for her and Jordan to be in the Final 2 together. Jordan is someone she could easily beat. Kevin, not so much.

More sleeping. More card playing. More eating. Yawn fest.

A little later Jeff and Michele sit in the backyard and they're discussing how the DR refuses to answer any questions they have about Pandora's Box. Apparently, they were told that "accounting was unavailable" for consultation and we promptly get fish. In the meantime in Twitterverse, people are actually hoping BB intervenes and saves Jeff. OK now I've been reading what you guys have been saying in the comments about BB being a part of the show and how intervening is compulsory. I've stayed out of it because I enjoy reading your lively debates, but I'm gonna say something now. I watch Big Brother in 3 countries. I'm not kidding when I say I'm a fan. The American version is the ONLY version in which BB intervenes, manipulates, and tries to influence who stays and who goes. I've seen BB done around the world and I've seen it done better. BBUSA is my least favorite version as a matter of fact. We're the only country who makes Big Brother a hardcore game - a human chess game - in theory, this should make me LOVE our version. In actuality, it's so corrupt that it's really not a game at all. All I ask is that if you go out of your way to make BB a hardcore psychological game full of strategy and planning then I ask that it be a fair game. Coup D'Etat's are fair. Trying to convince players in the DR to keep someone they don't want is not. Imagine if in a chess game Bobby Fisher had a little angel on his shoulder telling him what moves to make. It's incredibly unfair! It's akin to cheating.

I fancy myself to be a BB conoisseur and, in my opinion, BB benefits from a neutral, strict, unwavering voice in the DR. Big Brother is not your friend. It was never meant to be. It's an all seeing eye monitoring your every move. The appeal, to me, is watching the sociological ramifications of sticking a number of people in a small space and forcing them to exist together. Add in eliminations, backstabbing, jealousy, manipulating and good old fashioned greed and you've got a hit! I've only had the feeds for 4 seasons (although I've watched all 11 seasons) now so I'm unaware how Big Brother operated in the DR prior to Allison Grodner's arrival. Is she to blame for the manipulating? Her reign as Executive Producer brought all the crazy twists like America's Player and it appears to me that she gets really pissed off when her twists don't play out like she wants. Her casting has also come into question. She leans towards the young, dumb, and pretty as opposed to hardcore game players. It drives me crazy when people say, "The ratings will drop if Jeff leaves!" Oh give me a fucking break. If you've invested 8 weeks of your time to watch BB up until now, you're going to stick with it for another 2 weeks to see who wins. Sure, I hate it when 2 people I loathe end up in the Final 2, but you better believe I'm glued to my TV screen on finale night. I don't invest this much time and thought into something to only walk away and not see how it all ends. That's moronic and, quite frankly, immature.

Chima's episode, where she left, was the turning point this season in the ratings. Chima is quite possibly the most hated player ever in BB history yet people watched and ratings soared. BB11 has been a VERY successful season for CBS and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Jeff. It has everything to do with every single one of the cast members. It's fun to call Natalie names and see how far she'll go in her filth. Lydia and Jessie were crazy entertaining in their weird and destructive relationship. Russell was good for psycho fights. Ronnie was good for sneaky rattiness. Michele takes us to the Bell Jar more often than is comfortable. Big Brother is the sum of it's parts. It's success doesn't ride on a cute guy with nice abs. Get over yourselves. All in all he's on the boring end of the spectrum this season. Rarely do I write about him being entertaining. He only amuses me when he's fighting with someone and saying outrageous things. In my mind, that's all he's good for. Yes, the house will be more boring after he leaves, but that's only because the house is ALWAYS boring at the Final 4. It's even more boring at Final 3 and mind numbingly stab yourself in the eye boring at Final 2. That's just what happens when people leave. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that 13 people are infinitely more entertaining than 4.

Ok I'm done with my rant now. I just really needed to fill up some space because next to nothing happened yesterday. LOL

Back to Jeff and Michele. They're talking about game now and Jeff is saying how he can never get close enough to Natalie to talk to her because Kevin is always close by. Michele thinks Kevin is doing it on purpose and Jeff starts to smash his Tonka trucks. They plan to approach Natalie and tell her that neither of them will go after her next week if she keeps Jeff in the game. Jeff thinks he's a master game player now and that he's come up with an offer to beat all offers. He and Michele will offer Natalie safety next week and to further sweeten the deal, they'll also throw the HOH competition so Natalie wins. Sound pretty good right? No! Hell no! Why would Natalie in her right mind EVER in a million years trust these 2 yahoos? She's not that stupid. Jeff goes on to say that they'll assure Natalie that Michele is not going after her. Michele chews her face and shouts, "I'm not!" And then she giggles and I'm just confused.

Jeff is convinced he's a genius for thinking of such a great plan and he insists that, "If she doesn’t take that deal she’s a fucking idiot and I’ll go home because there are fucking idiots in this house.” Yes, Jeff you will go home because of fucking idiots. Those fucking idiots are named Jeff and Jordan. You got swindled last week. You hate it. YOU GOT GOT. You've reacted like a mature dignified man true to his word. You've pouted, cursed, snapped at people, slept, played cards and flat out refused to talk the one person, Kevin, who can save you. Yes Jeff, you are indeed a fucking idiot. Jeff says if Ragamuffin doesn’t take the deal then they’re going to Kevin with a deal. So he's going to shun Kevin all week and at the final hour when Jeff doesn't get what he wants he'll finally talk to him? Yeah that makes sense.

Jeff is all hopped on anger at this point and he says, “Kevin hasn’t done dick in this game. I could sit in a corner and drool all day too.” Oh Jeffy Pooh you know that's not true. Kevin got you, didn't he? He also got Russell. He laid low when he needed to and when the time was right to make some power moves, he did it. Kevin has played an extraordinary game. He's taking out 2 of the most competitive threats and he's well liked. That is not easy to pull of in this house. Michele, drooling and licking her lips over seeing Jeff in a tank top, talks about how Natalie said she’s never fucked anyone over. Michele says, "She's never been HOH to fuck anyone over!" True. Could it be that all of her losses, planned or not, have actually helped her in this game?

Jeff, creeped out by Michele disrobing, goes back on his rant about what a genius he is. He says if he were Natalie he'd take the deal he's offering in a heartbeat. Anyone anywhere in the world would be an idiot not to take the shit he's serving up. Michele, naked and writhing, says Natalie would be stupid not to take it. She's stupid to think she can beat Michele and Jordan in the HOH next week. Jeff covers himself in Purell and tells Michele to make the deal with Natalie, but to wait until the very end to make the HOH offer. Michele pops a grape in her mouth, smiles with grape skin covered teeth, crams a butt plug up her ass, and says, "Aye aye captain!"

It's at this point where we all learn that the DR has told the HG's individually what they've earned in the Pandora's Box game. It sounds like they may have won the following totals: Jeff $3181, Jordan $1726, Natalie $1900, Michele $2563. Kevin is still a mystery. So maybe that key meant bubkis after all. I never saw the car commercial that mentioned BB, but I wouldn't be surprised if Allison Grodner is lying naked in the back of a Ford SUV Thursday night as Jeff is presented with his parting gift.

Michele decides to cook for everyone and, I'm sorry (no, I'm not), but I'd NEVER in a million years eat anything she made. I'm quite sure I saw her sprinkle some arsenic into the sauce and why does she put garlic in EVERYTHING she makes? Is she scared they're all vampires who'll attack her as she sleeps? If only that were true. When I think of Michele cooking, I think of the mom from FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC. She'd sprinkle rat poison on her kids cookies to slowly kill them. I'm not putting something like that past Michele. I'm just saying...

They've all eaten Michele's mystery poison laced meat and the Ragamuffin and Kevin go outside to enjoy a lovely billiard game. Ragmuffin has hijacked Kevin's HOH hoodie and now she wants it for herself. She insists it fits her better than him and now he must let her have it. Kevin calls her crazy and tells her there's no way in hell she's walking away with that hoodie. It was probably a gift from Enrique Iglesias and Kevin wants to hang on to it. Ragamuffin snarls and drools and they begin to talk about all things Jordan. Kevin is saying how Jordan is totally acting like a guilty girl right now. All along she's been so scared to hook up with Jeff because she's been so preoccupied with what her family would think, but now she's making out with him all the time and hanging all over him. She feels guilty that he's going home and worthless little (well, not so little anymore) ole her is staying. What Kevin says is true. Jordan is for sure riddled with guilt. She knows she has done nothing to deserve a place in the Final 4. She's managed to ride Jeff (with zero penetration) all the way to the end and all she has to show for it is a bigger ass and a pissed off Manbaby.

Meanwhile Jeff and Jordan are talking and Jeff is telling Jordan she has to stick with Michele. Jordan tells him she doesn't trust Michele at all. Jeff tells her that Kevin and Natalie are fucking lying to her and she's stupid to believe them. Actually Jeffy Pooh, I'm going to intervene here. Natalie and Kevin are serious when they say they want to go to Final 3 with Jordan. It would behoove Jordan to trust her massive gut on this one. They can take her farther than Michele ever would. With Kevin or Natalie pudgy know nothing could actually walk away with $50,000. She'll walk away empty handed if she puts her faith in the Ass Licker.

Back at the pool table the Ragamuffin's rabies is becoming more obvious. She's literally snarling and grunting (usually, when I say this I'm making it up) and announces that she's full of uncontrollable energy that needs to be released. Kevin tells her to bottle that shit up and save it for the HOH. Very conveniently, the DR pages Kevin and Jeff is finally able to pitch his genius deal.

Jeff starts off with flattery of course. He tells Natalie he can never talk to her because Kevin is so far up her ass. Yes Jeff, lull the Ragamuffin into a peaceful state. Ragamuffin laughs and says, "So I hear you have a sweet deal for me? You're going to give me HOH?" Jeff says, "Yeah, you'll have guaranteed safety." Ragamuffin says it sounds like a great deal, but she's worried Jeff or Michele will dump her when they get to Final 3. She also doesn't trust that Michele will throw the HOH at all. Excellent point. Neither would I. Jeff says that they'll promise to throw HOH if Natalie promises to put Kevin up on the block against one of them. Ragamuffin says that she was planning to put him up anyways so that's not an issue. This is indeed true. Kevin and Natalie have already planned this to make the remaining HG's think there is tension between them. Jeff assures Natalie that it was actually Michele's plan to throw HOH. He mentions how Michele is totally onboard and is losing her mind. She actually almost used the veto to save Jeff so there's no telling what she'd do at this point. That's not really an argument in your favor there Jeffy Pooh.

Anyhow, Natalie is listening calmly and Kevin comes outside again. They pick up their game of pool and Kevin talks about how he gets to Twitter and blog. He wants to be able to write a really long blog like Chima did. Not 5 minutes later the DR calls Kevin back in. He laughs and says he must have really interrupted an important conversation between Natalie and Jeff for BB to page him twice. I love how nothing gets past Kevin. He's so wise to all the BB bullshit. He goes back in and Jeff and Natalie resume talking.

Jeff tells her she'd be stupid not to take such a great plan. Natalie nods and says she's definitely thinking about it. He tells her if he goes home then Michele will definitely go after Natalie. Ragamuffin tells him that Kevin would be after her if she votes for Jeff to stay. Jeff offers her protection and Michele comes out to sit in the hot tub. She assures Ragamuffin she'll lay down in the next HOH competition and gets very excited at the prospect of a Jeff, Natalie, Michele Final 3. She's giggling and jittering and I admit I had to change the channel for a little bit. Michele thinks there is no way she will win in the end so it's good if someone takes her to Final 2. Natalie is so not buying it at all. She talks about how everyone hated Dick and Dan yet they both won. A lot of jury members vote on how the game is played. Michele insists that this jury is too emotional and holds grudges. I think that's true for Lydia, but the others will vote according to game play. Eventually, Michele gets up to go bother Jordan in the shower. I told you how she loves to spy on people when they're showering. The meeting ends and Ragamuffin can't wait to run and tell Kevin everything.

Kevin comes out and she's just laughing about how Jeff and Michele thinks she must be a total moron to trust anything they say. She tells him how they hate it that they can never be alone with her because Kevin is always around. Kevin thinks it's funny and swears to follow her around even more now. He jokes about sleeping downstairs in the Red Room with Natalie so she'll never ever ever be alone. Michele is totally convinced Ragamuffin is on board so Kevin and Natalie just sit and laugh at how nutty that bitch really is.

The night ends with lots of mindless chitchat. Natalie and Kevin play chess all night, Jordan is scared she looks fat on camera, Jeff gets excited to go to Vegas, and Michele giggles and freaks everyone out. Jeff says once again how dumb Natalie would be if she doesn't take the deal. Michele grabs him in the balls and assures him she'll take the deal. They joke about sex and Michele tells Jordan that Jeff wants to fuck her. Ewww gross. And with that, I think this is a good place to end this today.

Big contest announcement coming later today! I expect every single one of you to enter. I will be giving out a very special prize straight from Mr. O'Shaugnessy himself.

Have a great day everyone and don't forget to vote!

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