Saturday, July 5, 2014
Power does strange things to people. Some people flourish and prosper finding that inner leader they never knew they had. Other people let it go to their heads and rule with a giant douchey fist hurling their ultimatums across the land. The difference between the two is the difference between peace and unrest. Now, I don't know about you, but when it comes to Big Brother, I'll take a stinking pile of disharmony and war over a boring hand-holding feeling circle. Let's recap, shall we?
Since the house had a very late night Thursday, the HG's slept away most of Friday. Admittedly, I was busy enjoying the holiday yesterday so I wasn't able to catch too much in the house. However, there are two incidents that cannot be ignored. For all the rest and an update on the entire last week in the house, with colorful commentary of course, be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10 PM. It'll be a doozy of a show. Promise. You can download episodes for free on iTunes. listen live via Mixlr, or stream it online using Stitcher. Check out Big Brother Podcast for the details.
Alrighty then, let's get down to business. Yesterday, as we all know, was the 4th of July. It is a holiday of hot dogs, barbecues, picnics, and mosquito repellent. We gorge ourselves on noodle salad and watch Uncle Horatio drink too many brewskis while feeling up the neighbor. The kids run around taunting the dog with sparklers while Aunt Fanny impatiently fans the flies away from her Ambrosia Salad. It's a fun holiday! It's an outdoorsy holiday. It is friends, family, neighbors and that weird kid from down the street who eats his own boogers and smells like soup. The 4th of July commemorates the adoption of the Declaration Of Independence. This is a good thing. It is not a sad thing. It is not Memorial Day nor is it Veteran's Day. We're not commemorating dead soldiers, lives lost, or the pain of a nation in wartime. We are celebrating pride and joy. Yay!
Unfortunately, we have an HG who didn't get the memo on what a truly joyous occasion the Nation's Holiday is. Instead, Caleb does what Caleb does best. He makes the holiday all about HIM. With Caleb no longer in power and the object of his obsession paying him no never mind, Caleb marches himself up to the HOH room, sighs dramatically for effect and plops down on the couch. Diva (Devin) is already in the room getting ready for the day by picking out his panties and garters. Caleb sighs again and this time he adds some sniffles for effect. Diva, for some reason, starts talking about raisins and how he likes to snack on almonds which *sniffle sniffle* makes Caleb finally break his silence. He tells Diva how his DR sessions are *sniffle* getting to him.
Frankie then enters and is fussing around in the bathroom doing whatnot when Caleb again dries his eyes dramatically and casually mentions that he's ex-military. He tells Frankie that he should probably go downstairs and tell everyone how special Caleb is how special this day is and how none of them better not say anything stupid. OK so first, this day is about all Americans, not just you Creepy Caleb. Secondly, this is not a Veteran's holiday! Your tears are about a month late considering Memorial Day was in MAY. Lastly, what do you suppose any of your fellow HG's would say that could possibly set you off? Let's run through some possibilities shall we?
Donny: "Ah sher don' lahk it when my gurlfren' burns mah hawt dogs. Ah throw them burned ones over tha fence to them soldiers hangin' around. Meddlin' stragglers!"
Jocasta: "In Jesus name we pray. Thank you God for blessing this day with macaroni and please forgive all those evil godless soldiers for they know not what they do."
Amber: "On the 4th of July, I always stop and think about how I'd never ever ever date a military man."
Caleb, you are ridiculous. And in so many ways! No one in the house will say anything derogatory about the military because the day ISN'T ABOUT THE MILITARY. Furthermore, you are probably the last thing on your fellow HG's minds right now. If anything, your buddies in the house are missing barbecues with their families and seeing the fireworks with friends. Remember how Amber said that you were too into yourself? And remember how it angered you because you insisted nothing could be further from the truth? Well, I point to you making Frankie go downstairs to warn everyone not to piss you off on this holiest of Caleb holidays as Exhibit A.
People ask me all the time why I don't go on Big Brother and this situation is exactly why. If I was in the house and someone told me to tiptoe around delicate flower Caleb because the 4th of July is his holiday, I'd roll my eyes and burst out laughing. I'm the worst at hiding my true feelings so I just don't do it. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and that's why I would make the absolute worst Houseguest. Trust me, I have no doubt I'd be that week 1 evictee.
Frankie, bless his heart, actually does what Caleb asks and he tells his fellow HG's to tiptoe around Caleb on this here Caleb of July holiday. Throughout the whole thing, Caleb sits up in the HOH watching it all go down on the TV screen. His tears are gone and now he leers. It is only when someone comes up to talk to him do his tears return. Bravo Caleb! What a stunning performance.
Alright so with that out of the way, let's move on to douche number 2 and what everyone is tut tut tutting about this morning. We knew it would happen. We knew it was only a matter of time. Someone - and we all thought it would be Caleb - was going to pop off Tanisha style and it was going to be awesome! We waited patiently (or in my case, impatiently) knowing it was bound to happen and here it is. Woohoo!
So what you need to know is that Diva is hellbent on getting Brittany out of the house and she knows it. Earlier in the evening she told Payola (Paola) that Diva doesn't like that Brittany thinks for herself and isn't content letting others play the game for her. She has opinions and calls Diva out on his bullshit and he hates it. It is a threat to his game so he wants her gone as soon as possible. The problem with all of this is that Diva is making decisions on behalf on the Bomb Squad based entirely on personal reasons. This rubs several of the Bomb Squad members the wrong way because Diva is the one who is always telling the rest of them not to play personally, but strategically. We find Caleb and Derrick at the pool table talking about this very thing. They are annoyed with Diva's flagrant hypocrisy.
With both Payola and Brittany on the block, Caleb and Derrick wonder how Amber will vote so they head over to Amber where she sitting with Christine on the hammock to ask her. Amber pauses before finally saying Brittany. The one she really wants out is Diva because she feels like he's messing with her game. It should be noted here that Amber is manipulating Caleb a bit. By telling him that Diva is ruining her time in the house, she knows very well that Caleb will run to her rescue. Don't fool yourselves thinking Amber is Miss Innocent. She's knows exactly what she's doing.
Hearing this, Caleb replies that he knows that he and Diva will end up butting heads at some point purely because of how he talks to Amber. Amber then tells Caleb that she'd like to take him far in the game (Take him? Como what? She couldn't take a ladybug to the end of the game.), but that Diva stands in her way (huh?) and she can't ever talk to him because he never lets her speak (true). Caleb says that Diva is indeed his friend, but that he won't let his friend stand in his way of protecting his queen. *eyeroll* Frankie and Hayden then roll up and they all talk about how Diva is the only one who wants Brittany out. (Side Note: Don't they know that there is a simple way to remedy this? Don't vote out Brittany. There you go. Problem solved. Dummies.)
So this brings us to the good stuff. Caleb is back at the pool table and this time Diva is now outside with them. Caleb turns to Diva and says, "Some people are saying that you want to get rid of Brittany for personal reasons." Diva replies, "It was a personal reason. I said it was a personal reason." Caleb says, "Well, I think more people are wantin' Pow gone than Brittany." Diva says, "I don't care." He says that "it is what it is", but at the end of the day, it's all about who is more of a threat to the Bomb Squad. *beep beep beep* I interrupt this paragraph for a station identification..
I move that the phrases "it is what it is" and "at the end of the day" be stricken from the English language. All in favor say "Ay." *everyone screams 'Ay'* The Ays have it. We may now proceed...
And then Diva does something delicious. He says, "Pow over Brittany? That's stupid! That's stupid. It's because you're over there talking to Amber, bro." *bites fist* Oh no he di'in't! Oh yes he did! *claps hands* Surprisingly, Caleb doesn't really react and says, "Well, I mean..." Diva interrupts him and says, "No, it's because you're over there talking to Amber and that's where you're getting this from." Truth be told, Diva is kinda right. Caleb insists that Amber isn't a part of it and says, "I just remember the first Diva. He wouldn't put anybody up based on personal reasons."
The two then begin to bicker over who's the bigger threat. Caleb agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat, but some people may not think so. (I have no idea what point Caleb is trying to make. I hate to say it, but Diva is making way more sense here.) Derrick then interjects and says that Brittany will definitely nominate members of the Bomb Squad. Diva exclaims, "Exactly! Exactly!" Caleb mutters, "But..." Diva then tells him that this argument is stupid because everyone agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat and will come after them. Again, he's kinda right. Meanwhile, Caleb is busy "defending his queen."
Caleb keeps bringing up that Diva is making personal decisions while Diva keeps saying that this whole thing is stupid since they all agree. Caleb then says that maybe not everyone in the alliance agrees. Diva asks who. Caleb replies, "Who do you think? The two people you brought in." Diva says he just talked to Christine upstairs and she agrees with him. The only one who disagrees with it is Amber. Caleb replies, "Well, we should talk to Christine then." Diva says fine. He says that this is all Amber and that Caleb is lovestruck.
Diva watches Caleb play pool and says, "You're getting mad now." Caleb insists he isn't and says that whenever he brings something to Diva, Diva blows it out of proportion. He tells Diva that the girls are scared to death to talk to him because of how he talks to them. Diva has no idea what Caleb is talking about. Caleb says that Christine was scared and nervous to talk to him. The two bicker back and forth over Christine whether or not Christine was scared. (This conversation is SO stupid.) Caleb says, "At the end of the day Diva, it'll show in the votes." Does anyone anywhere have any idea what the hell Caleb is talking about?
Then Christine enters and Diva asks her point blank if she was scared of him. Christine says that she gets nervous any time anyone pulls her aside. Diva asks, "At any time we were in the room, were you afraid of me at all?" Christine chuckles and says no. Diva thanks her and then asks her how she feels about getting rid of Brittany. He says it wasn't a personal decision. It's just that he thinks Brittany would make the biggest moves. And this is where Caleb calls him out. Caleb says that earlier he said it was entirely personal and now he's saying it's not personal. (This is the lamest argument. The two of these meatheads are literally fighting over single words and how they agree on everything, but, hey, I'll take what I can get.) Diva then says, "Alright here, it's a little bit of both, bro. There you go! How about that? Are you happy? Are you satisfied?" Christine then hems and haws over how she's still undecided. Ugh, you're such a waste of an HG! Make a fucking decision. Play the damn game.
Diva then goes inside and Caleb and Derrick assure Christine that she did nothing wrong. Caleb then says that he should have just told Diva that everyone in his alliance wants him gone because of the way he treats people in the house. While that is a spectacular idea, you might not want to tell him that while he's HOH and can still nominate your ass. Derrick ends the discussion by telling Christine that the next time she talks to Diva, she should have another guy there. Why? Because we womenfolk can't be trusted on our own? Because we'll inevitably screw something up? Because you men are so much more level headed and smarter than us? Whatever.
Meanwhile, Frankie and Diva are now up in the HOH talking about the confrontation. Frankie begins, "What the fuck just happened?" Diva blames it on Caleb talking to Amber on the hammock. Frankie replies, "I know. I know." Diva paces and fidgets while talking with his mouth full (263 calories to be exact) about how he's the one who has always had Caleb's back when it came to Amber. Frankie laments about how it was unfair to drag Christine into it and Diva agrees. Diva insists that all he and Christine were talking about was Caleb and Amber. Frankie sighs loudly and comments how all of this makes him nervous. Diva chomps and says, "He's like a lovestruck puppy!" Frankie keeps repeating, "He'll be fine, he'll be fine. He'll come back around. He'll be fine."
Frankie moans about how everything was so perfect and they were sitting pretty until Amber. Frankie then says, "This has got to be all residual from that stuff that happened 3 days ago." It all finally makes sense to Diva and he immediately gets up and heads out the door. Frankie whines, "No stayyy. Stayyy."
Diva heads outside, pulls Caleb aside and says as plain as day, "There's no more alliance. We're done."
While it wasn't exactly Tanisha-like, it was at least something. At least we got a teeny tiny thump of something. It registered a -5 on the Richter Scale, but what can you do?
So, that's that. Will the boys kiss and make up today? Will Diva put a member of the Bomb Squad on the block if given the chance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Friday, July 4, 2014
Happy 4th of July, bitches! This being a National holiday, I will be taking a personal day and doing what all of you good people will be doing, eating noodle salad and sticking sparklers in places they don't belong. BUT I don't want to leave you hanging after last night's double HOH comp so here's a brief summary of what you need to know.
Amber and Diva (Devin) have both won HOH and were left very little time to come up with their nominations. After much hemming and hawing and whining and being generally awful on Amber's part (I'm sorry, but I can't stand her. She's SO bloody whiny. It does my head in.), this is what happened: Diva has nominated Payola (Paola) and Brittany while Amber has nominated Hayden and Nicole. The plan was supposed to be to backdoor Diva, but Amber is awful and a total wimp.
Pre-nomination consisted of Diva telling Amber over and over again, "I'm not going to force your hand, BUT YOU BETTER NOT NOMINATE ANY OF THE BOMB SQUAD." We also heard, "I don't want to tell you what to do, but you have to nominate a guy."Amber's HOH was basically Diva's HOH. While it is obvious that Amber sucks as a player, I think I'm OK with the idea that Diva could stay in the house this week. Long time readers know that when it comes to Big Brother, I only care about one thing and that thing is - TO BE ENTERTAINED. Like Mena Suvari said in American Beauty, "There is nothing worse in life than being ordinary... or having life-sucking mind numbingly boring Big Brother feeds." If Diva needs to stick around in order to keep the feeds interesting, then so be it.
To sum up, if Hayden and Nicole win the Battle of the Block (which is taking place as I type this), then Diva remains HOH and Brittany and Payola stay on the block. Conversely, if Brittany and Payola win the Battle of the Block, then Diva will lose his HOH and could end up getting backdoored. Let's be real though, the chances of Payola winning anything are about as good as...
And I have a live update! Hayden and Nicole have won the Battle of the Block which means that we get an ENTIRE week of Diva as the HOH. Let's all thank Amber - either with sincerity or disdain. Thank you Amber. Thank you.
So there you go. You are now up to date. What do you think about Amber blowing her HOH? Are you up for an exciting new drinking game? We drink every time we hear the word "daughter". Comment it out bitches and have a great 4th of July! Don't drink and drive. Don't wrap your hand around a firecracker. And if you absolutely must stick a sparkler up your bum, take a picture for all of us to see. Have a good one, bitches!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
There are several phrases in the English language that excite me. "Gin & Glitter" is a big one. "Happy Hour" is another. "Buy one get two free," "Free gift with purchase," and "Double cash back" are also on the list. But one of my absolute favorites, and I'm sure it's yours too, is "House Meeting!" House Meetings in Big Brother are melodramatic narcissistic clusterfucks that typically do more harm than good which is why I hold them near and dear to my heart. And wouldn't you know it, we had one of these precious gems last night. So much for my day off. Let's recap, shall we?
Let me preface this by saying that I have no idea what precipitated this House Meeting. Today being my day off, I didn't exactly watch the feeds... AT ALL yesterday. This new batch of HG's lacks the deliciously controversial excitement I cherished so much back in BB15 and since I firmly believe in taking part in tasks that only add to my overall enjoyment of life, watching these knuckleheads sunbathe isn't exactly at the top of my list.
Alright, so let's start at the very beginning. Diva (Devin), wearing a ski cap in the summer, stands at the head of the room patiently waiting for everyone to gather around him to listen to what he has to say which I think we can all agree will be gobbledygook. Diva The Douche scans the room carefully counting and asks, "Is this everybody?" Someone assists him in counting heads and they realize that Payola (Paola) is still missing. I suggest that she was hiding under one of the beds in an effort to avoid having to listen to Diva pontificate, but that's neither here nor there.
Payola finally rounds the corner, rubbing her eyes, and screeches, "What?!" Frankie sighs, "We're having a House Meeting."
Once Payola sits her ass down, Diva begins, "Alright I just want to get some things off my chest. Excuse me if I get emotional." And then he starts to cry. His mouth contorts into that "I'm not gonna cry!" ugly face we've all worn at some point. Let it be known that it's SO awkward when that face is on an enormous man-child like Diva. Diva continues, "This is no game play. This is all real talk. You can take it for what it is. You don't have to respect me for it." Come again? Dude, NO ONE RESPECTS YOU.
Diva continues, "Coming into the house, I wanted to revolutionize the way we play Big Brother." *raises hand* But Douche, I thought you said that this wasn't about game play. Bzzz! Gank! Zrrrp! Revolutionize it, how? By being a big man baby who makes everyone observe his daughter's birthday for a solid week of solemn remembrance. Get the fuck out of here, d-bag.
Oh Jesus, and then the blubbering starts, "I wanted to come in here and play the most honest and integral game that has ever been played." I'm going to stop you right there, Douchey Diva. Honest, how? By going behind your alliance's back and recruiting new members? By making your brah feel like shit? By LYING to a good man (Donny) who couldn't do anything mean if his life depended on it? Honest like that? Oh, ok. Just checking.
And then he really starts to hiccup and gasp. The tears! The evil vicious tears! He then pauses, exhales loudly and looks around the room where everyone is riveted by the train wreck taking place in front of their very eyes. (Side Note: As we've seen in the DR, Diva fancies himself to be a master gamer. I'd bet my life on all of this being a dramatic ruse. Oh, I'm sure he means everything he's saying, but I think we'll see on the CBS broadcast that he'll go into the DR and claim this was all strategy and part of his grand master flash plan. Mark my words.)
Diva then prattles on about his daughter... "my daughter... my daughter... my daughter... the only thing I care about is what she thinks of me when I leave here." It's a shame you didn't worry about the 'roid DNA she has now inherited. Way to prioritize!
Dickhead Diva then says that he entered this house where some of the "greats" have played and how it has just now dawned on him that even the "greats" had to deceive at times. *eyeroll followed by tumble off the couch* And then finally we get to the meat of the issue. Diva says that he's already spoken to Donny, but he wants everyone to know that he was the one who forced Caleb's hand into nominating Donny last week and that Caleb had nothing to do with it. Watch out buddy, I don't think Caleb will take too kindly at the insinuation that you forced him into something.
Diva continues and says that he was scared that Donny wasn't who he said he was and that over the last 4 or 5 days, he's finally gotten to know him and it breaks his heart that he has passed judgment on Donny. In Diva's heart, no amount of money, $500,000 or $500,000,000 is worth compromising his integrity. *ahem BULLSHIT!* Integrity? What integrity? And then he said something like, "blah blah flergle blah my little daughter gorple durdle blah."
Valley girl douche goes on, "I've told you about how I was in rehab and how that was my rock bottom. Joey, if you go home, it's just a game. When I go out that door, I'm not going to bend over... " *giggles* Yes you will. And until he goes out that door and doesn't bend over, he's going to crush every competition. Grrrowr! And if he ends up going out that door, he's going to go out holding his head up high, ok? He literally said, "Ok?" Like what? Like you're addressing your constituents and don't they dare question you, ok? Like we should take you at your word, ok? No one likes you! How about that? OK???
Diva the Douchemaster just wants everyone to know that from here on out he's going to play the most honest game (more honest than all of YOU) and he's going to be the most integral person. *snickers* That's the second time he's misused the word "integral." He's going to be integral inside and outside of this game because he's NOT going to walk out of here and NOT be a role model for people who watch this game and truly can't differentiate between reality and not. *scratches head* Huh? Ok first off, Diva, you are not a role model and you will never be so let's just get that out of the way. As to people who watch the game, which would include myself, I know very well the difference of reality and fiction. I also know that what I'm watching right now is the biggest load of shite I've ever seen. How's that for reality?!
He continues, "My daughter... scrofle loogen drutle. My daughter... ghort yomer hrugen." Dude, you're embarrassing that poor girl. Shut up! "And when she plays this back 15, 20 years from now, I want her to know that I didn't compromise my integrity for anyone, ok?" Not another "ok!" "I feel so bad for what I did to Donny." Oh shut up. "Out of everybody here, everybody knows that Donny is the kindest man in this world. He's the most caring, most generous, most giving person." Get ready for this next part... "And he may not have a lot to give, you know (this is where he motions to his upper body), physically." Ha! Oh my god. That. Just. Happened. "But he has so much to give in wisdom and in heart and that means more to me in this game." No one cares about you! Your daughter has already petitioned to have a new daddy at this point. "And I just want to say that I'm very very sorry to each and every one of you because that was my decision to do that and Caleb went along with it cuz I forced his hand (no you didn't) and I just told him that it was the right thing to do. I can understand if you guys are upset or disappointed (none of them care!), but all I can do is just be honest." And then he cried like a little bitch.
Alright, I need to go kill myself right now. Fucking hell. That was brutal.
So, what did you think of that clusterfuck? Can I take tomorrow off instead? It is a holiday after all. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
The sun's gone dim,
And the moon's gone black
For I loved [her],
And [she] didn't love back.
- Dorothy Parker
Unrequited love. Life's greatest disappointment. Life's one-sided melodrama that consumes your days and nights. You stew in it, wallow in it. You get your hands all pruney from it. Eventually, there you are, wrinkled and alone. Confused. Battered. Bruised. It'll beat you up, this longing. It'll turn your life upside down without even laying a finger on you. When you've gone through all the pining and the scratching, when you're a sad and lonely jumbled mess, the only thing left to do is pick yourself up, brush yourself up and seek the only thing that will ease your broken heart... REVENGE. Callous and twisted bloodthirsty revenge. How sweet it is! Let's recap, shall we?
We begin the day bright and early with Frankie and Christine in the bathroom wiping the sleep from their eyes and preparing to endure another day in this house of horrors. Before the others wake and start their day, Frankie whispers to Christine that someone (it's very hard to hear) said that Diva (Devin) is more Amber's type than Caleb's. Christine gasps and covers her mouth before the both of them double over and burst into a fit of giggles. Others HG's begin to trickle into the bathroom so the duo in red head outside to continue their conversation.
Frankie tells Christine that this Amber drama is so insane that Caleb now wants a smaller alliance WITHOUT Diva and Amber in it. Again, the two double over, grab their sides, and giggle. Through the laughter, Christine says, "This is working out so beautifully!" Frankie giggles and says that all of the dumb jocks in the house have basically given both him and Christine all the info they need to destroy each and every one of them.
Frankie continues and tells Christine how Diva was the one who told Caleb about Amber liking him more. After Caleb told Frankie all about it, Frankie asked Caleb, "Don't you think it's weird that Diva told you all of this after nominations?" Christine then asks Frankie what Caleb says and Frankie, in his best southern drawl, replies, "He was like, 'Dayummm!'" The two burst into giggles again and I have to admit, I was chuckling a great deal too.
Frankie then tells Christine that he's doing his best to make sure that Caleb doesn't blow up yet. He says that Diva, too, is hard at work on damage control. Frankie then pauses and shakes his head. He says he can't believe Diva even told Caleb in the first place. He wonders aloud what could have possibly possessed him to share that information. Christine replies, "It's because he's so prideful." Frankie says that is exactly what it is. Frankie then tells Christine that Diva said he probably wouldn't even date Amber anyways because she's not a white girl. Christine replies, "What a dick!"
The subject then turns to Brittany who is quickly becoming the next target in the house. Frankie says that Brittany showed all of her cards last night and that she is incredibly good at manipulating people. He says that he let her manipulate him as well so he could find out what she was up to. It turns out that she is still on the Diva rampage which is good for Frankie and Christine because Caleb is too!
Caleb's new smaller alliance consists of Caleb, Frankie, Derrick, Hayden and Christine. Christine wonders where the hell Hayden came from to be included, but is also stunned to hear that she's even a part of it. Frankie tells her that he got her in. She then thanks Frankie and tells him that he's the best person on the planet.
Armed with all of this new information, Christine really wants to win HOH this week. She didn't want to before because she was scared to step on Caleb's toes and go against him or anger him. But now, she can totally win, put up Diva, and Caleb will be fine with it. Frankie agrees and says that it's totally cool for anyone to win HOH now because everyone hates Diva. Both of them then agree that they don't want Diva anywhere near the Jury House. Frankie doesn't like the idea of Diva speaking for him in any way, shape or form. Frankie then mentions how Brittany, apparently, wants to go home before Jury so she can see her babies, but that Caleb doesn't want to send her home yet because of Amber (I have no idea what this means). Neither Frankie or Christine have any info on Jocasta, but they decide that it might be fun to have her be the one to get rid of Diva. She can tell him, "You gots to go because you... is a lunatic!"
The rest of the morning crawls on which not much going on at all. Caleb gets his HOH camera and the house takes pictures that I have no idea who actually goes and looks at, but whatever.
Later we find Caleb and Nicole sitting together. Caleb is doing what Caleb does best and that would be - obsessing about Amber. Ever since Diva said what he did last night, Caleb has been stewing and stewing all day long. Caleb tells Nicole that he heard that Amber has been making comments about how she wishes people would stop talking about her and Caleb because she doesn't like him like that. He tells Nicole how Amber was saying that Caleb is all about himself and not anyone else. Nicole replies that it could all be hearsay and that he needs to be careful trusting people, especially Diva. Caleb tells her that everyone has been saying it so it must be true. Caleb then says that he doesn't think he's all about himself. He says that Amber just hasn't taken the time to know him. It is at this point where Nicole has lost total interest in the Amber drama and turns her attention to the camera across the yard. She starts shouting to whomever has the camera saying she wants a picture of her taken. Caleb is visibly annoyed that all of Nicole's attention isn't on him and that she's not as traumatized by Amber as he is. This will be a recurring thing... wait for it.
Frankie then goes over to where Caleb and Nicole are sitting and starts to take selfies with Nicole. Eventually, Nicole leaves with the camera and now Frankie is trapped. Caleb mumbles how every time he looks at Amber he gets pissed off. He says he can't stand people talking about him especially when he can't do anything about it. Frankie gently suggests that maybe Caleb should go talk to Amber, but Caleb says he has no desire to speak to her. It should also be known that even though Caleb is relatively calm, his foot keeps jostling and his abs are so tense that you know, you just know, that he is constantly fighting against that urge to go ape shit on everyone.
Caleb then wonders if maybe Amber's period is messing with her mood. Frankie then tells Caleb that he has to take everything he hears in the house with a grain of salt. Frankie says that the only think Caleb can trust is his gut. Frankie asks, "What is your gut telling you?" Caleb replies, "You don't want to know what my gut is saying." *bites fist* And even though Caleb advises against sharing what his gut is saying, he does it anyways. He tells Frankie that his gut says to get up, go over to everyone and asks them to raise their hand if they think Caleb is full of himself. When Amber doesn't raise her hand, he'll asks her why not since she's been telling the house the exact opposite. (It's a little nuts, but Caleb is more upset over people thinking he's a narcissistic asshole than he is over Amber not loving him)
Caleb's feet continue to shake and his entire body tenses up as he says it infuriates him that he can't do anything about Amber because she's in his alliance. He can't believe that she's using him to take her to the end. Caleb says that he has been nothing but nice to that girl and all he got out of it was a date to a fake prom. He says that from now on he's not going to do anything nice for her anymore. He vows never to make her ice cream again!
Perhaps too hot from the midday sun or maybe exhausted from listening to Caleb go on and on about Amber, Frankie seeks refuge inside where he runs into Cody. Immediately, he starts waving his hands this way and that telling Cody that things are totally falling apart now because of what Diva did to Caleb. Cody, the innocent clueless lad, is stunned to hear about the Caleb/Diva convo from last night. He is especially shocked because Caleb has been acting like everything is cool around him. Cody then decides that Caleb must be putting up a front by making things look better than they are in an effort to protect his ego. Frankie sighs and asks out loud, why can't they just be calm, cool, and collected?! The two agree that Caleb is not good at all right now. He is 100% not OK.
Fast forwarding to a little bit later, we find Caleb, Zach and Christine in the Hive. The three are talking about keeping Payola (Paola) because she's so weak and will never win HOH. And then it happens. Caleb changes the subject and says, "I'm not going to name any names, but there's a girl in this house and..." And then, right at that perfect moment, right when Caleb is about to once again spill his ooey gooey guts about Amber, a psychotic new HG named Alex (Joey dressed up like a homeless person) enters the room and starts screaming at the top of her lungs how she should stay in the house. Honestly, I didn't give two shits about Joey/Alex, I was more focused on the frustration on Caleb's face at being interrupted yet again. No once cares about his Amber stories and it's pretty funny.
BUT as soon as Joey/Alex leaves the room, Caleb doesn't miss a beat and picks up right where he left off. He says he hates it when this "anonymous girl" says, "I'll take you to the end if you take me to the end." What in the sam hell is he talking about? It's like with every repetition of the story, new plot points pop up out of nowhere. Christine and Zach listen to all of this and politely nod. Caleb repeats how he can't stand it when people use him to get to the end. Caleb then says that their alliance needs to tighten up. And just as he's about to say how he wants Diva and Amber out of the alliance, Joey/Alex starts screaming so loud that the conversation is once again abruptly interrupted. *doubles over laughing*
Zach uses the chaos as an opportunity to escape so he heads outside for an important meeting with Derrick. OK so Zach and Derrick have a secret 5 person alliance and they can't let anybody know about it at all. Zach and Derrick agree that they both need to lay low and appear not to be making any moves at all. They'll let everyone else self destruct just like Joey is doing right now. Zach then says that he hopes Diva goes home next. He says he can't stand the guy, but he's been sucking his dick everyday and telling him he's the man. That Zach definitely has a way with words.
Zach and Derrick say that they will do whatever they need to do to keep the targets off of their backs. They say that if Caleb wants to know who is the one doing all the talking and stirring shit up, they'll let him know that it's Frankie. Zach then gets excited over the fact that he can't wait to tell Donny about how it was all Diva's plan to get rid of him. Both Zach and Derrick like Donny and are looking forward to outing that jerk Diva to him.
Then Cody joins them on the hammock and starts swinging and swinging back and forth like a child who's missed his Ritalin dose. As Cody ties his shoes to work out, Zach and Derrick quickly fill him in on all the Amber developments and how Caleb is now saying that Amber is using him. Zach says that when they were in the Hive just now, Christine had walked in and said point blank, "I hear the plan is to get rid of Diva now." Zach says Christine almost blew up the whole alliance and screwed everything up. I'm a little confused about this, but I think Christine isn't supposed to know she's in the new alliance yet. I know, I know, it doesn't make any sense. Zach continues and says that Caleb stared straight at Christine and Christine's face went completely white. She tried to cover it up, but Zach can't believe what a dumb ass she was.
Derrick then chimes in and says that the 3 of them need to be en pointe all the time. None of them have any reason to open their mouths unless they're playing pool or something. Cody mumbles something about it being just them 3 - I kind of think Cody is the ditz of the group who just says stuff that he thinks sounds right. Derrick and Zach continue and say that if Frankie wants to talk, let him talk. Derrick is pretty sure that Frankie is getting ready to jump ship anyways. Interesting.
Alright so this is where I've got to end this today. Everyone expected Caleb to lose his shit yesterday, but he never did. He's close though. He is very very close. Tomorrow is my blogging day off, but if he shoots up the house or takes Amber hostage, I'll definitely pop in and do an update. Fingers crossed!
Count on Joey going home this week and everyone fighting to win HOH. You know that tricky trickster Big Brother would love nothing more than to have Diva win HOH - and screw things up! - so I wouldn't be surprised if the HOH comp is baseball themed.
I'll be back Friday the 4th of July with an update of Thursday night's shenanigans. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Love. That delicate mystery that gives us purpose and makes us feel alive. Love. That enigma that makes our tummies flip flop and our guts go gooey. Love. Sunny, bright, exciting, new. Love. Frustrating, confusing, difficult, hard. Love. Heartbreaking, bone crushing, all consuming, addicting, obsessive, paranoid... black. One second it lifts you to the highest high and the next, it crushes your soul like a steel-toed boot to the head. Spill guts, spill. All over the pavement, spill. Spill and spread. Seep into the cracks and cover this existence with your inky slime. But mark my words. Those destroyed by love's cruel injustice will rise from the sludge. They will rise with a mission... REVENGE. Let's recap shall we?
We begin with a campaign for votes. You see, Joey is on the block and has now just figured out that being on the block isn't exactly a good thing. As a BB conspiracy theorist at heart, I suspect the Diary Room has given Joey a swift kick in the ass and persuaded to plead for her life offering the HG's anything and everything to stay in the house. After all, how embarrassing that the first member of Team America (fuck yeah) gets sent home FIRST in the FIRST week of the show. Embarrassing indeed!
So Joey makes her rounds with her first stop at Christine. Since the DR probably planted the idea of negotiating in Joey's head (Remember, she had never seen an episode of BB before being recruited. Another win for Robyn Kass and her incompetent team of flunkies.), Joey asks Christine what kinds of things she should offer people. Christine tells her to offer a 3 week deal, but warns her that she has to keep whatever deal she offers.
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With a shiny new plan, Joey next hits up Caleb who, as HOH, has NO VOTE THIS WEEK. She tells Caleb that she could help people stay safe much more than that hot mess Payola (Paola) can. She then scurries over to Hayden and tells him that she'll compete to keep him safe. Am I missing something here? Is Joey a challenge beast? Underneath all that blue hair, does there live a physically fit tower of strength? I guess because she makes a similar promise to Zach who tells her that, as of now, it looks like she's going home. However, he wouldn't mind if Payola went home instead. Payola is a weak twit who can't do anything so why would he want to keep someone like that in the game?
And this brings us to the good stuff. Let's ditch Joey, shall we? Let us instead focus our attention to a love story for the ages - Caleb and Amber. Giddy and punchy from his conversation the night before from whence he declared his love for Amber and she reacted with a simple, "Thank you." - Thank you in Kentucky means "I want to devote my life to you and grow old together." - Caleb is eager to continue rehashing the conversation over and over and over and over and over again to anyone he can trap into sitting still and listening. Cornering Zach in the bathroom, Caleb repeats what happened with Amber and how she's just shy to declare her powerful longing for him because she's always got that pesky mic on. He says that when he mentioned how Hayden told him that Amber said she'd go out on a date with him, Amber denied it saying it never happened. He tells Zach that he brought it up to Hayden and said, jokingly, that either Hayden or Amber were lying to him. Hayden's reply was that it 100% happened and that Amber is lying. Oh Amber, what a shy delicate flower.
Listening to all of this, Zach does his Zach thing and simply tells Caleb that he's the "fucking man" for telling Amber his feelings. Caleb nods in response and says that it sucks that now he's stuck wondering what Amber is thinking about it all. Then he laughs to himself recalling how last night he was wondering why he was the only guy in the house going after Amber. According to Diva (Devin), no one else is going after her because Caleb is GI Joe. He's "da man" and no one would be able to compete with the man. Smiling to himself, Caleb successfully squashes all those icky anxieties and makes himself feel better. Whew! Close one.
Getting back to Joey, apparently Brittany told her that she's going to distance herself from Joey because she doesn't want to become a target next week (She already is a target. Whom she hangs out with won't change that.). Obviously, this upset Joey and Joey decided to take her anger out on a bunch of hot dogs. With her lips firmly drawn in a thin line, she sticks some hot dogs into the microwave and counts down until she can devour them. If you'll remember, Joey is a Have-Not so hot dogs are distinctly off the menu. But when the hot dogs are finally ready to be consumed - all juicy and plump and making those cute little toot noises they make when you cook them in the microwave - Joey quickly turns away from the objects of her affection and seeks refuge in the Storage Room to cry. And cry she does. For a long, long, long time.
At one point Jocasta enters which makes Joey cry even more. Jocasta doesn't say a word and simply hugs Joey rubbing her back. When they finally part, Joey sniffles and says, "They should just recruit people who've watched the show before." A truer statement has never been spoken and kudos to Joey for recognizing that she is completely out of her element and has NO idea whatsoever what she signed up for. The house is a clusterfuck for the most adept Big Brother fan. I imagine it would be a nightmare for someone who hasn't the faintest clue what the hell is going on. It's easy to make fun of Joey and criticize her for being there in the first place, but let's lay the blame on who truly deserves it. After all, it's not Joey's fault someone asked her to be on the show. Almost anyone would say, "Sure. Why not!?! That could be fun and, hey, I could win some money!" The fault lies with casting and production. It's ridiculous to throw someone who has never seen a lion into the lion's den.
Alright, back to love. Apparently the house is planning a prom. I hate this cutesy planned events - like weddings and ceremonies and whatnot - so I didn't really pay attention to when it's supposed to happen. All you need to know is that Caleb asked Amber - while she was on the toilet - to go to the prom with him. She said yes. Love!
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Speaking of Amber, there is a distinct change in her since her conversation with young Caleb. She's more chatty, more interested in the game and, dare I say, a little bit bitchy? Look, I'm always searching for a headstrong girl to root for and, as we'll see shortly, Amber is developing a sort of strategy. BUT - but, but, but - her strategy contradicts everything she claims to be - wholesome and moral and all that crap - and there's nothing I can't stand more than a hypocrite. I didn't like her when she was moral and I like her even less now that she's being a hypocrite. But I'm jumping ahead.
OK, so Amber and Christine are in the hammock together stealth whispering about everything game related. Amber thinks that Caleb and Frankie will really hard to get out of the house. Christine agrees and says that they're both scary powerful. They then talk about how Brittany is now saying she'll vote how the house votes (a few days ago she insisted she's vote to evict Payola). Christine says that if she wins HOH this week, she'll nominate Payola and Brittany. Amber agrees and says that that will probably happen every week until they're gone.
Both girls decide that they really like Donny and Amber says that he "deserves" to be there. I hate that. I hate when anyone says someone deserves to be there over another person. None of you chuckleheads deserve to be there. It's a game show! Get over yourselves.
The talk continues and Christine says that she is worried that Jocasta will go after her if she wins HOH. Amber disagrees and says that she thinks Jocasta will go after the men in the house. Speaking of men, Amber says that she's trying to be nice to Caleb and that they're not on bad terms or anything. Christine sighs and says she wishes that Caleb never had that talk with Amber last night. Amber agrees and says she can't believe he did that to her on national television. Then she says, "At least I got a box of mac & cheese out of it. And it's the good kind too." Well isn't that interesting? At least she got something out of it. That doesn't sound like a wholesome do-gooder to me. That sounds like a gold digger in the making. Here's the thing, if you claim to be good and wholesome and Christian or anything of the like and it turns out that you're not any of those things, I WILL point it out. This is why I can't stand holier than thou Christians in the game. Hypocrisy sticks to them like a bad stain.
Amber then moves on to Nicole. The two discuss weigh their options as to whom to keep in the house. They agree that Payola will never win a comp while Joey could actually win and put them on the block. The conversation ends with both agreeing that Joey will go home. Duh.
Continuing with Nicole, she next talks to Cody. Nicole is all frustrated and backed up over how BB let someone in the game who knows nothing about the game. She thinks that there is no way BB let the fans know that Joey is a total recruit. She says that we'll be too pissed off if we find out they let someone like Joey in the game. Nicole also makes sure to insist that she was never part of the girl's alliance. She makes sure to let Cody know that she turned down the offer to be in it.
Staying with Nicole, we find her now in the hammock with Caleb. Caleb is telling her that he hopes Amber will be the reason for him to move out to CA even though Amber won't reveal her true feelings for him because she's "all mic'd up." He sighs and wishes he could just get a confirmation form her. Hayden then joins the conversation and confirms that Amber did indeed say that she'd go out on a date with Caleb. Caleb says again that he'll stay in L.A. an extra week to take her out on a date and that Amber won't be truthful because she's still "all mic'd up." Caleb just wants to be very clear that all of this isn't going on in his head (yes it is). He says everyone in the house says that she likes him.
Nicole goes inside and returns with a mushroom. She offers it to the boys. Caleb declines, but Hayden takes it saying that he loves mushrooms. He then jokes with Nicole about how mushrooms are just one more thing they have in common. And this is where Caleb chimes in with, "Me and Amber have a lot in common too. We're both army brats." Oh Caleb. Poor, poor Caleb.
And this brings us to the day's denouement. Allow me to quickly set the scene if I may. We have Diva and we Caleb. Both are sitting on the edge of the hot tub swirling their tootsies around in the water. The conversation starts out innocent enough with Diva saying how much he loves the WWE and worshipped The Rock when he was a kid (Aha! No wonder he keeps trying to convince us he looks like The Rock.) Then, literally out of nowhere, Caleb stares at the water and asks, "Has Amber been hurt a lot in the past?" Diva doesn't know the answer to that, but Caleb though he heard her talk about past relationships earlier. Diva tells Caleb that it's totally OK that it's been a while since he's been in a relationship (4 years. How can we ever forget? It's been 4 years.) because when the right one comes along, he'll know it. He'll feel that spark. Hmm I don't think I like where this conversation is heading. Is Diva suggesting that Amber might not be "the one?" Oh love, you tempestuous mistress.
Caleb then looks down at his skin, "If only I was darker." Caleb chuckles softly at his own joke while Diva changes the subject trying to remember that quote about love. It goes something like, "Love is patient. Love is kind..." Caleb suggests, "Love is patient, love is kind, love is good when it's in the behind." A romantic at heart, that Caleb!
Again Caleb says he wishes his skin was darker and again Diva says nothing. You can see that something is bothering Diva, but you're not quite sure what. Caleb again laughs at his own joke and Diva finally says, "Or maybe if your name was Antoine."
Caleb then double checks with Diva that Amber's dad is African American. Diva says yeah and that a lot of women tend to look for men like their dads. And there it is! We now know where this conversation is going... down the drain. Caleb then replies, "I want to know so much more about that girl. There's a lot in there. There's a lot." I once read this book by Poppy Z. Brite called Exquisite Corpse. It's about a serial killer who takes great pride in his work. I don't know why that suddenly popped into my head just now, but there you go.
Caleb then looks longingly across the yard (at Amber I presume) and I think he says something about even wanting to know what she puts in her coffee. Diva can't take it anymore. He has to say something so he finally says, "Dude, I gotta tell you something. You can keep this between you and me, right?"
Diva: "Don't flex no more around it. Don't flex no more around it, dude."
I have no freaking idea what this means.
Caleb: "I don't ever flex."
Is "flex" code for something? I'm so confused.
Caleb: "I don't remember the last time I flexed in front of her. I mean, I don't remember."
Wait, are they talking about flexing their muscles?
After thinking for a few seconds, Caleb finally admits that maybe he does it around Diva as a joke. Diva then decides to go for a long luxurious skate around a pond. He tells Caleb that he should never have to change who he is to please someone else. He has a lifestyle that he loves and one day he'll find someone who likes him for just way the way he is. He'll find someone that he won't have to put up a front for. Diva says, "If anyone tells you that they don't like you for who you are, then they're not the person for you."
Eeek! *grabs crucifix, makes the sign of the cross, and hides under the bed... from Caleb*
Caleb laughs (kind of) too himself and says that he's flexing in front of the mirror all the time. Aha! So they are talking about flexing muscles. Weirdos. Diva reassures him that it's totally cool and that he takes pride in something he's worked hard for. Ain't nothing wrong in that, bro. Diva says that people don't understand that you have to do cardio and count calories. People just don't understand it and it's heartbreaking. *tear*
Caleb looks up and asks, "Was she saying something about me flexing in the mirror, dude?" Diva admits that Amber was talking about it, but that he told her to stop.
Caleb: "Talking about what?"
Diva: "I don't know, bro. It's none of my business. It ain't none of my business. I don't even want to talk about it, dude."
Just spit it out!
Diva continues to dance spastically around the subject and warns Caleb that they (Caleb and Amber) still have to stay tight - this here is Diva being worried that Amber not liking Caleb will fuck up the Bomb Squad.
Finally, Diva says that Amber was saying something about learning more about someone by the way they act and that she was saying all of this in front of him, Payola and some other people. Diva says he looked at her and said, "You just need to stop. You really need to stop." At this point I ran to my toolbox to grab a pair of pliers because it's obvious I'm going to have yank this shit out of Diva with torque and fulcrum and crap like that.
Diva continues and insists that he told Amber that Caleb was his boy and she needed to stop. He then says, "You know how some people just keep going sometimes?" YES! Like right now. Like this very conversation. Like YOU. Yes, goddamn it, yes!
Caleb is so freaking confused right now. He has no idea what Diva is trying to say.
Diva: "You don't do anything wrong, but that's just her perception. That's just her perception."
SPIT IT OUT!
Diva: "She doesn't know you like I know you. She just assumes because like you're outgoing, you're boisterous, you take pride in what you do. That it's all about Caleb and I told her just to stop because she was saying it in front of people. I always got your back bro."
*jabs pliers into forehead... repeatedly*
Diva: "She was saying people need to stop about me and Caleb because I don't like him like that blah blah blah."
Diva: "I was like that's fine Amber. That's you. That's fine. I was telling her to stop. I always got your back dude."
Oh Christ, not this again.
Diva: "That's her opinion, dude. She wants someone as wholesome as she is. She’s an amazing girl. beautiful inside and out, but I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. Nobody’s perfect man.”
The silence from Caleb is deafening.
Diva: "Don’t even sweat it dude. I was trying to tell you last night. Like this is between you and me… she told me, 'I’ve never dated anyone who wasn’t Black or Mexican. When I saw you, you were my type blah blah blah.”
And then Caleb did this...
*tick tock, tick tock* Does anyone else hear that?
Diva continues to prattle on and on about how tons of girls 1000 times prettier and better than Amber will be waiting for Caleb when the game is over. He says they'll be flooding his Facebook and Instagram.
Frankie then enters as Caleb sits in silence staring at the water. The voices and the sounds of the night and the water lapping over his feet recedes into the distance. All that is left in its place is the darkness. The inky blackness sliding over and consuming his soul. the switch has been flipped. Here we go. Are you ready for it?
I leave you with this...
So, what do you think of yesterday's events? How long before Caleb's obsession turns to anger? Can the Bomb Squad survive this? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Trust me, you do NOT want to miss when Caleb explodes. And, mark my words, it will happen. Oh yes, it will.