Saturday, August 1, 2015
Once in a blue moon, the planets align, the gods look down on us favorably, and every virgin in my town has been roasted to a tender juicy golden crisp. On days like this you can almost feel the cosmic energy in the air. Your skin tingles, your hair blows freely, and all of nature seems alive and breathing. Even in a world removed, the Big Brother house, magic makes its presence known. Even in a tiny spot of this vast universe is the power of the cosmic pulse felt thumping rhythmically in time with the heart of the infinite. *thump, thump... thump, thump* Let's recap, shall we?
It is Friday in the Big Brother house and that means Nominations. Who will James put up? We know he wanted to target Shelli per Jason's instructions, but would he follow through? Who would he put up beside her? A twin? A Knight? A motormouth meth head? The answer is stuff dreams are made of...
James, the newly anointed resident BAD ASS, did what the universe asked of him. He nominated CLAY AND SHELLI! Side by side. At the same time. Simultaneously. In tandem. Concurrently. In concert with one another. And boy did that concert put out some beautiful music.
The song they song in each other's arms was a duet of pain...
Don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly save us now
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow
But you will live Mama Shell
Dear God above
If I could close your wounds with words of love
Just hold me now and let it be
Shelter me, comfort me
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now
The rain can't hurt me now
The rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last
The rain that brings you here - is Heaven blessed
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
(S) So don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
(C) Hush a bye dear Mama Shell
(S) I don't feel any pain
(C) You won't feel any pain
(S) A little fall of rain
(C) A little fall of rain
(S) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) I'm here
(S) That's all I need to know
(S) And you will keep me safe
(C) I will stay with you
(S) And you will keep me close
(C) Till you are sleeping
(S) And rain
(C) And rain
(S) Will make the flowers
(C) Will make the flowers grow
Shelli can't understand why anyone would nominate a mother and her son. Especially this week... of all weeks! This last week before players get sent to Jury. Do you realize what this means? This means that Oedipus and Jocasta (how weird is that?!) will be separated for the rest of the summer! This is the death of passion. And by "passion" I mean stiff unfeeling pecks on the cheek. But passion nonetheless! How will Shelli know if Clay is cleaning behind his ears and brushing his teeth before bed if she isn't there to remind him? Oh woe is love.
On her 20th breakdown of the afternoon, Shelli realizes that last week got her where she is right now. It's Vanessa's fault! It's Austin's fault! Basically it is everyone's fault but her own. Shelli approaches Austin and tells him that he has to remove her from the block if he wins POV. Austin would really like to but if he removes Shelli or Clay then one of the twins could go up and, sorry lady, he just can't do that. Shelli then wails, "You staying put us in this position!" No, you being an awful entitled bitch put you in this position, Sugar Tits.
Dwelling more about how she landed on the block, Shelli tells Vanessa that she regrets keeping Becky. It's all Vanessa's fault! Shelli didn't want Jason to go home. And why oh why did she throw the HOH to James. *more tears, more snot* Vanessa tries her best to console Shelli in the most laughable way ever. She tells Shelli that she's only known Clay for 7 weeks whereas Vanessa has been with her girlfriend nonstop for 2 years. Shelli's plight is nowhere near as tragic as Vanessa's. Haha! Let's just say, never go to Vanessa if your puppy dies or you lose your husband.
Meanwhile Clay is announcing that if he wins POV he will use it on Shelli. Meg and Jackie hear this and tell James while they're all hanging out in the HOH. James giggles loudly and says, "What a hero!" Meg laughs and says that she's tempted to use the POV on Clay if she happens to win just to make sure Shelli goes home. Jackie laughs, but James tells her not to do that because then he'll have to put someone up in Clay's place. Meg understands, but boy wouldn't it be funny to take Clay off and destroy his sacrifice for love. Yes! Yes it would be hysterical.
Do you want more details on all that went down yesterday? Of course you do! Do you want witty repartee and Medieval porn? Of course you do! Well then be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show live tonight at 10pm. Follow me on twitter for links. Or if you can't listen tonight, then be sure to download later on iTunes. We'll be judging the Liz Impression Contest which, from what I've heard of the submissions, will be HYSTERICAL. See you then!
Please to enjoy as you remember these two tragic souls...
Did you miss all the gorgeousness that took place yesterday? Oh my god, you silly fops! Today is the POV and believe you me, post comp will be magical. You have nothing to lose. One week free! Don't be left out.
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Friday, July 31, 2015
William Shakespeare once said, "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?" Ole Billy Shakes knew his shit. He knew that the primal instinct to avenge one's honor is something that cannot be ignored or laid to rest. Self preservation lies deep within each and every one of us. So when someone lies to our faces and plunges a sword deep into our flesh, the only natural response is to pull out the sword, dust off one's trousers, and then plunge it back into the heart of our foe. Then again, the Big Brother house is full of plastic knives. Let's recap, shall we?
First things first, Jason slept for the past month so back to collecting pennies to win a date with Tad Hamilton he goes. While that is sad, the best news of the night is that I have successfully put a stop to the Battle Of The Block! You're welcome Big Brother fans. I am simply here to serve.
This brings us to the first solo HOH comp. And it was an Endurance Comp to boot! Perched on a wooden plank and attached to a tilting wall, the HG's suffered through rain, guano, and possessed eagles straight out of a Hitchcock film. Steve dropped first followed by Austin, Julia, Meg, Jackie and Liz.
With Becky, Clay, Shelli, James and Johnny Mac left in the game, I threw another virgin on the fire, disrobed, and chanted under the Blue Moon (If you are unaware of the importance of the Blue Moon, I suggest you listen to the last Big Brother Gossip Show - live Saturdays at 10 pm or available for free on iTunes!). My goal this week, and all weeks, is to see Shelli march herself and her numerous hair pieces out the front door. There are many reasons why I want Shelli out of the house - she eats popcorn with a spoon, she's always rubbing on her son, her make-up application takes precedence over game talk, the HOH letter from her dog - but the main reason is the smugness. The entitlement. The "I'm better than you" air she cloaks herself in. Plus, I think it'll be hysterical for her to leave before Jury where Clay will be left to his own devices (and Julia).
And so, with a finger prick of blood dripping into my cauldron, I closed my eyes and called upon the Goddess to bless us. And bless us she did! Falling like dominoes Clay and Becky dropped. Shortly thereafter we lost Johnny Mac leaving us with only Shelli and James. Shelli, worried about being HOH for a third time, quickly made a deal with James that she and Clay won't be backdoored this week. Then she dropped and JAMES IS OUR HOH.
If you've been watching the Live Feeds, then you know that Jason left behind some very explicit instructions for James, Jackie and Meg. He basically told them that Clay and Shelli are running the house and need to get the hell out of Dodge ASAP. Will James remember this advice? Probably not. James is a flighty flippant doofus if we're being honest here. BUT Jackie is not so flighty. Jackie wants revenge for last week. And if Meg can manage to stay awake for more than 15 minutes at a time, I'm sure she wants revenge for Jason too. Let's hope these two ladies can keep James on the straight and narrow.
Meanwhile, Julia is now in the game and tensions with Austin are at an all time high. Julia finds Austin disgusting and untrustworthy. Liz is just like, "I knoooowwww, but he's in our alliance-uh." While Liz is happy to have Julia in the game, she's also a bit concerned about it. For starters, Liz is less than thrilled with how Julia was acting during the HOH. She cheered too loudly or something and Liz thought she was annoying-uh. Paranoia has set in with Liz regarding nominations so she's being extra careful about laying low this week. You see, she knows that James tried to throw the Battle Of The Block last week. In her mind, this means that he is sure to go after her (and maybe her sister too) this week. Little does she know that James has bigger fish to fry.
Up in the HOH with his best good friends Meg and Jackie, James is wondering who to target this week. Becky is also up in the HOH, but I wouldn't count her as one of James' best good friends. She's up there because she's a floater who switches her loyalty to whomever is in power. If you'll remember feedsters, she's been up Shelli and Clay's ass all week long, but now here she is up in the HOH counting herself part of James' alliance. She repeatedly says "What WE need to do... this is what WE should do." Becky, you are not WE. You are train debris.
Meg tells the group that if Shelli had won HOH, she would have definitely backdoored Jackie. Jackie, surprised, asks why. Meg tells her that Shelli is afraid of her. Meg then tells James that if she were HOH she'd put up Austin and Steve. James replies that Steve is going up no matter what, "I knew that as soon as I fell off the plank." Meg continues and says that when POV happens, James should pull off Steve and then put up Shelli. Liz and Julia, along with Becky, Jackie, and Meg, would vote to keep Austin. Clay and Vanessa would vote to keep Shelli. Becky then says, "We have to keep in mind that James can't play in HOH next week." Bitch, what are you talking about? Better yet, why are you even talking? Why are you in the HOH? Why do you think you're part of this group? Was that not you tonguing Vanessa's, Clay's, Shelli's asses yesterday? It makes me scream that she thinks she's a part of this group, but if she votes out Shelli I guess I'll have to get over it.
With the group in the HOH all hyped up and determined to avenge the memory of Jason, Meg reiterates that Clay and Shelli are a power couple. Jackie nods excitedly and launches into a tirade of fucks. "Fuck Shelli! They fucking blew it last week! They fucking screwed us over! I don't fucking care about them! They need to fucking go!" Well, fuck yeah! James then replies, "Basically what they did to us last week, we're doing to them." And there you have it. Shelli is the target. Will James follow through? Will Becky tattle to Clay and Shelli? Will Austin ever be alone in a room with Liz again? So many questions! Isn't it exciting?
This week is going to be great! You don't want to miss the Austin v. Julia drama. Get your free trial now!
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