Friday, July 6, 2012

Willie: The Revenger

Last one!

Meet 34 year old Willie Hantz of the infamous Texas Hantzes. The Hantzes are very much like cockroaches. In the case of a nuclear attack, only they will survive. Parts of them might be melted off, but their characteristic I'M A HATZ tattoos will identify them through the nuclear winter. Yes, it's HATZ. The Hantzes may be everywhere these days, but that doesn't mean they can spell.

Willie describes himself as serious, hostile and docile. His favorite activities are gambling and strip clubs. His life motto is... wait a tic, did he just say "gambling and strip clubs"? *glitter falls from the sky* I'm beginning to like this Willie character. And if I keep on reading his bio I'll discover that he wants to take cigarettes and vodka into the house. It's a Christmas miracle!

Willie would have turned to suicide were he to be in the house with Rachel. A quick and painless shot to the head with his 9 and the red-headed nightmare would be erased. I have a feeling he would have preferred to kill Rachel instead of himself, but you probably can't put that in a network questionnaire.

There is a softer side to Willie though. His kids are what he's most proud of and I suspect we'll see them on the next season of Swamp People. Rambunctious little rugrats covered in mud and slime shooting the neighborhood dogs and cats for the family supper. Willie tries to discipline them with a strap and a bear trap, but they're faster than he is. Plus there's a dead 'coon in the trap right now and the missus forgot to clean in out.

So yeah, that's Willie. Let's check out how he is in person. Please to enjoy:

Oh he's a wizard alright. He wants to "revenge" his brother's loss on Survivor. Wasn't Robert Downey Jr. just fabulous in Revengers 2?

Willie may not be the brightest bulb there ever was, but he's confident and charismatic and I won't begrudge him that. He's immediately more likable than his brother and you know I appreciate someone who hopes the entire house hates each other. (That's all I've ever wanted!)

"I don't have no integrity." Hang on...

*goes to the garage for the baby pool of pink glitter I keep on standby*

"I'll vote off my mama first."

*prepares, inhales, raises arms above head... and DIVES!* Ohhh it feels sooo good on my skin. Oh yeahhhh... *does the backstroke and blows little poofs of glitter off of each hand* Poof! Poof!

Willie doesn't care for how Adam played the game and neither did I! (Note: Adam is actually a really great sport and didn't get mad at anything I said about him last season. Can you believe it?!? Either he's super super nice or mentally ill.) It's interesting what Willie has to say about Britney thinking she's better than everyone else because I kind of agree. I liked Britney and she made me laugh at times, but I was never gaga over her. She's not someone I pine to see more of - let's just put it that way.

I'm very excited that Willie wants to manipulate the way people think. I've always thought psychological warfare was woefully neglected in Big Brother. Matt (BB12) played with it a little bit, but the last great attempt has to be Kevin and Natalie's BB11 lies. I loved those! The more I watch Willie, the more I like him. He might be what saves this vanilla cast from falling into a BB13 slump. (I HATED BB13!) He'll stir up the house into a bubbly concoction of festering evil. I don't see how anyone can hide and be boring with Willie poking sticks at their lifeless bodies.

So what do you guys think of Willie? Does the Hantz thing bother you or do you not care?

And that'll do it for the cast write ups! Big thanks to Big Brother Network for making these videos available to everyone. You can check out even more interviews over at SuperPass, but you can't see them unless you sign up for the Live Feeds! The Early Bird Special is winding down and there's never a better time than now to join in the fun. Plus, there's an episode of Rumor Control today with Rachel and Janelle - that should be interesting.

Thank you so much to everyone who has gotten their Live Feeds from my little dog and pony show here. I'm a small site, but I pack a pretty big punch. And, believe me, I plan on punching a LOT of people this summer. Fun!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Wil: Flouncy Nipples

Today we meet 24 year old Wil Heuser from Louisville, KY. Wil is a Freelance Marketing Consultant who describes himself as loud, unique, and brash. He's not looking forward to sharing his personal space with other people, but he'll try to adapt and do the best he can. Until he learns to share, he'll make a chalk outline around his bed marking his space and their space. If you step into his space, the hot lava monster will get you and you're outta the game.

Wil's grand master flash plan is to go into the house playing the "nice guy". Once he's hypnotized everyone into thinking he's a delicate fairy sprite, then, and only then, will he cut their throats and drink their blood for breakfast. He'll slice them nose to nuts and bathe in their innards. He'll gnaw on gristle and howl at the full moon. And then he'll lick his own balls and want his tummy rubbed.

As far as past Houseguests go, Wil doesn't care for Evel Dick and sort of liked watching Rachel. Let's look at it this way, at least he didn't say Jeff or Jordan. At least he didn't say that! He won't leave home without his flat iron and has traveled the world many times over. Fame won't change who he is, but if the press bulbs flash his way, he'll take that opportunity to shed light on causes close to his heart.

Keeping in line with what we've heard many times before, Wil is scared of snakes. And bananas. Bananas. Because you never know when a banana will grab you in it's death grip and paralyze you with its venom.

If you haven't checked out Wil's YouTube PAGE yet, I suggest you take a gander or you might miss gems such as this:

Up until now I've only seen Wil in character form, but I'll tell you straight up that I'm really looking forward to checking out this interview video. I got the following text from a Survivor alum the other day - I actually sort of know Wil. You are going to LOVE him. He's the strangest person I've ever met - and I don't know about you, but that sounds promising!

Let's check it out together. Please to enjoy:

If there's one rule that I live by, it's that nipple shirts never go out of style. And since I can see his legs, I can only assume he's wearing hot pants. Gorge! Wil is quickly flouncing into my heart much like a fluffy petticoat on an easy Sunday morning. Flounce. Trounce. Bounce. Pounce.

Hearing him say, "Then I'm gonna stab some bitches!" tinkles the wind chimes of my heart. Followed by golden nuggets like, "Just because you wear sparkles doesn't mean you know jack shit about fashion." Is anyone else thinking that a dream team of Jenn, JoJo and Wil would be AWESOME? Our very own merry band of thieves. They'll be everything the Bro-gade wasn't. Namely... intelligent, witty, likable, charming, charismatic, etc.

I'm not expecting any over the top villain moves from Wil, but I like him as a person and he entertains me. That's all I ever want - to be entertained!

What do you guys think? Is Wil tickling your nether regions?

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Shane: Bloody Balls

We're pulling into the final stretch bitches! Looking back over what we have so far, I'm worried. I'm really freaking worried. For the most part, this is a vanilla cast with lackluster first impressions. Can Shane be the answer to our prayers? Let's see.

Shane Meaney (that last name is SO promising) is a 26 year old House Flipper from Bennington, Vermont. He has ridiculous hair, but I'm so desperate for someone juicy that I'll overlook it. Shane describes himself as passionate and funny. He enjoys hitting golf balls off of his deck and of course I have to ask: Golf balls filled with blood? Little Satanic orbs of evil hurling into his neighbors windows? Right? RIGHT?!

It says here that Shane wants to make friends and have fun. Make devil friends and have ritual sacrifice fun? Neighborhood ruffian friends and have flasher in the park trenchcoat fun? Gang criminal friends and have drive by fun? What the hell kind of friends and fun is he talking about here because he's really bursting my bubble right about now.

Maybe he's better in person. Please to enjoy:

Did any of you see Magic Mike - (GO SEE IT)? Shane reminds me of Mike with all of his weirdo entrepreneur schemes. Listen up people, just because you have like 50 different jobs it doesn't make you an entrepreneur. It makes you someone who can't work for the Man so you invent a bunch of different titles to make yourself sound cooler than "self employed". Nothing wrong with that. I'm not hating. For example, Mike was incredibly charming - especially when he was humping the floor and smooshing his junk in girls' faces, but I digress.

I'm having a hard time taking Mr. Vermont seriously with his arm slung across the couch like that. He's a little too nonchalant for my taste. A little scattered. Eyes flitting around the room and whatnot. I hope he packed his Adderall.

BZZZZ! Gank! Scrod! Did he just say "I want the girls of America to want to be with me and the guys to want to be me"? Oh hell no. *stamps DOUCHE on Shane's stupid hair* Sorry Shane. You would have been so much cooler if you were a Satanic gang member who played golf with bloody balls. You're such a disappointment!

What do you guys think of Shane? Wouldn't he have been so much more appealing if cooking meth was at least one of his many jobs?

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Kara: Mag Wildwood

Kara Monaco is a 29 year old Model from Orlando, FL and I already know that she is a thumping bore. She's Mag Wildwood to my Holly Golightly. A video interview of her was leaked yesterday and not only did I fall asleep, but I hit my head on the side of my gin tub. I'm going into this one with a major chip on my shoulder.. not to mention a purple lump on my forehead.

It's immediately not a good sign that her bio is even shorter than Jodi's. Nonetheless! Kara used to work at Disney for four years as a professional Cinderella which is, I'll admit, nothing short of awesome. That's what Angelina Jolie wanted to be in Girl, Interrupted and if you know anything about me, then you know that Angelina Jolie is my patron saint.

The Cinderella coolness doesn't last very long though because Kara will miss her mom and wants to make the world a better place. *gags and chokes* Her motto is "Live life to the fullest!" and now I want to die.

Let's get this over with because I know it's going to be brutal. Please to enjoy:

I'm not going to make it through this so I'll just sum up from what I saw yesterday. She likes Jordan and she wants to play with integrity. Like I have any use for that whatsoever. My girl JoJo will eat her alive and pick her teeth afterwards with strands of her blonde hair. That I'm looking forward to!

What do you guys think of Kara? Guys? WAKE UP!

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JoJo: Glitter Sparkling

Next up is JoJo Spatafaora, a 26 year old Promotional Model from Staten Island, NY. She describes herself as "sparkling" and I am instantly intrigued. Is she effervescent sparkling or glitter sparkling? There's a major difference in case you didn't know. Effervescent sparkling is bubbly like Pelligrino and glitter sparkling is glow in the dark tits out while lying on a chaise velvet lounge with fringe smoking a pink cigarette and stirring your bathtub lazily with a riding crop. Oh please let her be glitter sparkling!

On her questionnaire she refuses to answer the question asking for her strategy. Questionnaires are notorious shit talkers and you never know who'll they'll gab to next. A girl after my own heart! Hang on, it gets better. She hates the red-headed chick because she thinks too highly of herself and demands that the questionnaire let her know if the chick's name was Rachel or not. Seriously, this questionnaire never hurt anyone and it's getting the shit beaten out of it. It's sort of fabulous.

Moving on, we discover that JoJo is also scared of snakes. Since I'm sure every executive at CBS is reading this - MAKE MY SNAKE CHALLENGE HAPPEN! The short survey ends with JoJo getting angry at the questionnaire for asking her what she would take into the house. A toothbrush so she could brush her teeth - duh! God, questionnaires are so stupid sometimes. Assholes.

I am dying to see this video. Please to enjoy:

Flippant and whatever. Lazy hooded eyes and shoulders that could spear a fish. 40 seconds in and I love this chick. She's like, "Why you asking me this stuff Matt? Are you in cahoots with the questionnaire? Let's bounce and go get a cappuccino. Do you mind if I lay down while you keep asking me your silly questions? Can we do this in Italian instead? Alright fine, I'll make out with you, but I'll need to chain you up first. Shut up! Stop squirming." Matt doesn't stand a chance.

"Integrity? Oh shut up!" Excuse me, I'll be right back.

*pads naked to the refrigerator and retrieves 2 giant bowls of purple glitter*

"Can I curse? Can I call this girl a bitch?"

*dunks left breast*

"I'd wear the unitard. Red is so my color!"

*dunks right breast*

This chick is definitely glitter sparkling. I'm going to need her to team up with Jenn and just tear through the house like a roller derby tag team. You have no idea how relieved I am right now. This cast was looking bleak (save Joe of course), but JoJo is carnivorous. She's a little spitfire. What do you guys think? Can you roll with JoJo or does she scare your tender little feelings?

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Joe: Patent Dreams

Joe Arvin is a 41 year old chef from Lexington, Kentucky and he might be the luckiest bastard around because all signs are pointing to him being an alternate. What that means of course is that we don't have any video interviews of him so we'll have to do all of our preseason judgment on his bio alone. Let's dig in and see what we can find out.

The first thing we can deduce about Joe is that he's a family man. He loves to watch his kids play sports and it gives him a thrill to see them have the drive to win. Since I can't figure out if Joe has a wife or not, let's give him a gay bear husband. We'll call him Stanley. Joe and Stanley met back in the 80's when both were down and out theme park dancers. Their dreams for a better life far far away from the roar of the roller coasters brought them together. As did their love of patent leather.

Eventually, Stanley got a job working at the local saw mill while Joe was still figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. A bum knee and bunyons killed his dream of dancing for Carnival Cruises so he'd scour the want ads and cook Stanley a hearty dinner every night. One night over a Chorizo and Gigante Bean Cassoule, Stanley said, "Hey, why not be a chef? Your citronelle is to die for!"

And so, with Stanley as his guinea pig, Joe toiled day and night in the kitchen. Puffed pastries, coq au vin, velvety mousses... Stanley put on a few pounds believe you me! Joe loved him all the same and went on to win the James Beard Award for something or other. A year later they adopted 3 boys from Cuba whose raft tipped over on its way to Florida. Their biological parents, sadly, perished at sea and the boys were luckily picked up by the nicest drug smugglers this side of Colombia.

The rest is happily ever after. And now Joe is on Big Brother! It just goes to show you - you may have put away your tap shoes, but you can still tap dance your way through life.

The End.

So we do love Joe or do we love Joe?

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Jodi: Snake Charmer

Next up is 42 year old Jodi Rollins from Calipatria, CA. Jodi is an outdoorsy gal who works as a server in a fine dining steak house. She's not very verbose on paper as her bio is quite scant. What we do know is that she's married and wants to go in the house letting everyone else underestimate her.

Jodi, too, is scared of snakes. So far every Houseguest has listed snakes as their number one fear (except for Ian who put down all animals in general). This, of course, brings me to my next genius idea: The Snake Endurance Challenge! We plop the HG's in a 15' X 15' hole that is 15' feet deep in the ground. Line the hole with snakes and watch the magic unfold. As a bonus, Big Brother places a live snake in a different HG's bed every night just for shits and giggles.

"Ian, stop tickling my feet!"
"I'm not!"
"Well then Frank, get your curling iron out of my bed!"
"My curling iron is right here on the night stand!"
"Oh... my... god.... SNAAAAAKE!!!! THERE'S A SNAKE IN  MY BED!!!!"
It's so good, right?

Let's learn a little more about Jodi because I feel as if we're almost strangers. Please to enjoy:


I'm bored. There's no gusto. There's no oomph. There's no cha cha cha jazz hands. She's a nice lady with a nice plan saying nice things. Nice is a 4 letter word in this world, baby.

You know I'm bored when I can't even think of a fanciful way to turn her into a character. I need to be inspired! Titillate me or I'll end your post just as quick as this.

*gets ready to push stop on video at about 6:00 mark* 

Hang on... is she making fun of dumb ass ditzy girls? That's what I want to hear Jodi! Give me some sass. At least she won't suffer fools gladly. That's a step in the right direction, but I don't care for how she sneered the word "Bitch". Around these parts we hold a Bitch in high esteem. She's placed on a pedestal and her foot is rubbed for luck like that statue of St. Peter in St. Peter's Basilica. Show some respect Jodi.

What do you guys think of Jodi? Is she blah or a silent killer waiting to pounce?

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Jenn: America's Sweetheart

This is 37 year old Jenn Arroyo. She is from Brooklyn, NY and used to play bass in a femal metal group called "Kittie". She likes to lift weights, crush skulls, and snort coke off of newborn babies head. Alright, so I might have made up the part about lifting weights.

Jenn also enjoys journaling and turning her stream of conscious ramblings into hardcore hair flipping anthems. She has no real plan as far as the game goes and is more of a fly by the seat of her pants type of a gal. She'll just go in the house, be herself and let the other Housguests frolic into the complicated labyrinth that is she. If they like what they find, great. If not, she'll bite their heads off and use their upside down skulls as flower pots.

If Big Brother makes her famous, she'll record a full length album and go back out on the road. The dusty road of dank motels, late night diners, and sticky beer covered floors of battered hole in the wall clubs run by a 50 year old aging metalhead named Jimmy whose one great love in life is his tropical fish and taking underage girls out for a spin on his Harley after the last customer leaves for the night in a close second. Or so I've heard.

As someone who is drawn to the eccentric and barfs at anything cookie cutter, I'm ready to like Jenn right off the bat. Let's see if she's as bad ass as I'm hoping she is. Please to enjoy:

First off, I loooove that she's not a hardcore fan. In recent years hardcore fans have made the worst players. They're too aware of us watching them on the Live Feeds. They're too rigid in their plans. It's no wonder she's going in and, for the most part, letting whatever happens happen. She's not too naive though that she doesn't understand the importance of an alliance and I think her age will work in her favor as far as sniffing out the other players' authenticity.

(photo taken from NY Body Art)

America's new sweetheart rocker lesbian with a heart of gold! Confident and no nonsense, Jenn is my early favorite. I like everything about her and I'll like her even more when she trashes the kitchen and threatens to shove those green plastic chopsticks up someone's nose. It'll be very Watts in Some Kind Of Wonderful.

What do you guys think? Are you ready to take a walk on the wild side?

  Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Ian: Proof Of Life

Just look at that photo. Look at how his eyebrows all at once pierce the sky yet at the same time hide in shame. Bless his wiggedy whack haircut. This, my friends, is 21 year old Ian Terry from Pittsburgh, PA. Ian is a student at Tulane University and an avid rider of bikes. A grueling bike ride is good for the soul, Ian insists. Naturally, this is what I assume he rides based on looks alone:

Reading his bio, I'm almost picking up on a Cochran vibe (Survivor). He has a very specific plan for Big Brother which includes joining an alliance of six yet being only the 4th strongest in that alliance. Strongest at what? Coffee drinking? Knitted cap wearing? Comic book reading? Figurine playing?

Ian is scared of deadly animals (because they're dangerous) and vomiting (because it's painful). There's something simple yet complicated about the lad, isn't there? His life's motto is to "kick butt and chew bubblegum" and, like Elton John, he collects eyeglasses. *shouts "Sing Tiny Dancer!"*

Let's see if he's adorable or creepy. Please to enjoy:

Right off I'm going to say thank you to Ian for looking directly at me while speaking during the opening. "My name is Ian. I'm 21. I go to Tulane University and these are my kidnappers. They've been treating me well and giving me plenty to eat. Mom, dad, I love you. OK, you can continue your interview now." This isn't the jungles of Venezuela Ian. Although, hold today's newspaper up to your face so I know you're still alive.

Shifty-eyed and insecure, Ian is likable in that geeky underdog way. You want to root for him because he sleeps with a humidifier and has a million stomach ulcers (I completely made that up), but you probably shouldn't root for him because I can envision him being carried through the game. He's a follower rather than a leader and I suspect his need to be accepted will get in the way of making moves that are the best to further his own game. Although I LOVE that he thinks he'll find romance. Good for you Ian! Why not, right?

An all around likable guy, but I'm not predicting any magic here. Unfortunately, he's not as "Cochran" as I had hoped.  What do you guys think? Will Ian melt your heart or bore you to tears?

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Frank: Good Ship Lollipop

Our first gentleman caller of the day is 28 year old Frank Eudy from Arkansas. Frank is currently unemployed and enjoys going to the beach, exercising and being around people. The most difficult part of being in the house for Frank will be keeping that luscious mop atop his head camera ready. Bouncy tendrils like Frank's require care, love, and a photo of Christoper Atkins a la Blue Lagoon or The Pirate Movie. You've gotta respect a guy who's willing to shun the modern fashions in favor of a coif that enticed Kristy McNichol.

Frank has an interesting approach to Big Brother. Putting together a carefully crafted band of ne'er-do-wells, he believes, is his ticket to the end. His merry band of thieves would consist of a good ole honest southern boy, an unflappable tower of strength, someone who knows the ins and outs of the game, a "baller" who'll win competitions, and a friendly point runner calling the shots. Frank, of course, would be the shot caller. Instantly, I'm intrigued by his thought process and get this... no mention of Jeff or Jordan anywhere!

I'm excited about this one! Let's meet Frank. Please to enjoy:

I'm getting a very strong young Matthew McConaughey vibe from Mr. Eudy. It's the accent and laid back confidence that draws you in and makes you want to hear more. That flotsam and jetsam hair of his all wispy and aggressive yet at the same time gentle is Frank in follicle form. His hair is him. He is his hair.

What's this? He's prepared to lie and manipulate? Oh happy day! *glitter falls from the sky* It's interesting he cites Dan and Boogie as his immediate influences. If the mentor rumors are true, will Frank turn to starstruck jelly and ditch his own plan for planetary domination? See, that's why I don't like mixing new people with old people. The organic flow of personalities is interrupted and things just get weird. Weird and stifled. Stagnate and festering.

Overall, he's got a good head of hair on his shoulders. He's thought the game out logically and isn't looking to torpedo through the summer as a one man band. It'll work in his favor that he's not uptight, is open-minded, and is ready to embrace what's thrown at him. As far as first impressions go, I'm not crinkling my nose and gritting my teeth like I have so far today. I realize there's a tinge of the Hayden in him, but Hayden had about as much charisma as a piece of fairy poop whereas Frank is a happy go lucky guy who doesn't need to hide behind a helmet on his head.

What do you guys think? Are you drawn in my the Frank charm or do you want to sneak into the house in the thick of night and snip off his curls one by one?

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Danielle: Upward Infection?

(I tried to get a photo of her smiling, but this bitch talks incessantly and with her eyes closed. This was the best I could do.)

Next up is a 23 year old nurse from Tuscaloosa, Alabama named Danielle Murphree. Danielle describes herself as "loving, outgoing and passionate." If she's not dancing fancy free and footloose to her favorite Taylor Swift tune, then she's fiercely scrapbooking. Glue stick in hand she prints photo after photo of Jordan off of the computer. Then gingerly, with sticky fingers, she places them lovingly onto chintz patterned card stock because Jordan is her all time favorite Houseguest ever! *bites lip with fangs* She finishes her creation with puffy stickers and childlike scrawl that reads SUTHERN GIRLZ 4 LIFE! Simply precious. Wide eyed, bubblegum, pigtails precious. *Click Click* Oh good, my rifle still works. Just checking.
Danielle is terrified of two things: snakes and not finding her one true love. Many a full mooned night she can be found staring up into the night sky, chin in hands, sighing. Just sighing. Will I ever find him? she wonders. I know! I'll call up Ashley and see if she has a Prince Charming dream board I can borrow for my scrapbook!

Alright, let's see if she's as awful as I imagine. Please to enjoy:

She does that thing? That going up at the end of sentences and making statements a question, thing? It makes my blood boil? If a mountain lion wandered onto the CBS lot and ate her question marks and her face, I'd be happy? If that council in England that decides all of the grammar laws of the land suddenly up and outlawed question marks, I wouldn't complain? Who needs question marks anyway? Do you? I could totally give them up and not look back? Just as soon as I stop watching this video? Because, you know, I'm kind of on a roll right now? And in the interest of continuity I can't quite stop yet? Until this paragraph is done? Like, right now?

*sigh* Exhausting. Simply exhausting.

*pushes play again*

She's poised and doesn't stare at the light bulbs or the carpet fibers with wide eyed excitement like Ashley does, but I read that thing about Jordan and I just can't shake it. You know me, unlike Teresa Giudice, I'm a grudge holder. I hold on like a starving tick and won't fall off until you burn my head with a match. I can definitely appreciate her dislike of Rachel, but I get the impression that she might be all talk and no action. Some of what she's saying sounds decent, but a lot of it is contradictory.

She says she won't play too hard too fast, but wouldn't that be a pisser if she did? What do you guys think of Danielle? Does the question asking thing make you claw at your arms and legs like it does me?

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Ashley: Poison Apple

The gong has dung it's dong and all of our bright eyed bushy tailed players lunge with that nervous anxiety at the starting line. The old crusty bats in the belfry have awakened from their slumber and now they flutter with promise, with hope, with a tinkle in their hearts and chirps on the wind. Bats chirp, right? *shrugs shoulders* Whatevs. Let's meet some Houseguests, shall we?

First up is Ashley Iocco. Ashley is a 26 year old Oompah Loompah creator with burnt siena hands and suspiciously dark knees and elbows. She hails from the great state of Pennsylvania and in her spare time likes to create dream boards and do yoga. Shut up all of youse. Just shut up right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a decoupage collage of far off lands on the wall and a copy of the Patanjali Yoga Sutras on your nightstand. (My most ardent readers know I'm cuckoo for Yoga Puffs).

She cites Jeff as her most favorite Houseguest and.... wait a tic, hold up. Jeff?! Oh hell no. Alright, I take it back. Mock this bitch's vision boards and sun saluting ass else until the end of time. Jeff! Pfft!

Even though I've already completely lost interest, let's watch Ashley's video and get to know her better. Please to enjoy:

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to... IS SHE FOR REAL? Is this muppet mouthed freak for real?!? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Jeff fan. *pounds gavel* I rest my case.

Snow Assley doesn't want to lie or cheat until the very end of the game. The very end... when the rest of the dwarves have marched off into the distance and all that's left in the house are empty bottles of shampoo and some crumbs on the counter top. Timely she isn't, innocent she is. Innocent and dingbatty. This one talks to the fairies for real. The fumes of her herky jerky tanning jalopy mixed with bronzer have fried lovely Ashley's brain and I'm not anticipating anything noteworthy at all from this chick.

Her intentions are good, but she's more likely to stick chess pieces in her ears rather than play a game with them. You could have a giant jug of Ricin sitting next to a delicious red apple on the kitchen table and this bitch will cry, "Oh yummy!" and take a bite. The others will catch on quickly and she'll be a pawn. Although, she could stick around for a while and not play her way through the game a la Jordan. Wouldn't that be a tragedy? What say you bitches? Does Ashley make your nipples hard or are you not impressed?

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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Sneak A Peek!

A new promo for Big Brother 14 rolled out today and I'm thinking we can expect to see some more as the day continues.

EDIT: Longer promo. More names!

Don't forget - the cast reveal is TOMORROW and SuperPass will have exclusive content that you can't see unless you're a SuperPass subscriber. It's crunch time, Bitches. No more putting it off because you'll definitely want to be in the know like the rest of us who'll be sitting around the garden with our gin fizzies and parasols gossiping about who's who. Pinkies up!
Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Tokyo Poop Tour

 (Julie Chen on Media Day)

Konnichiwa Bitches! After a trying weekend of sweltering heat and no power (!), I'm happy to be back amongst the land of the living where I'll never run out of ice cubes for my gin and am eager to share the official house photos of the Big Brother 14 house. The theme, as suspected, is "Tokyo Pop" which, of course, means I'm calling it "Tokyo Poop." Let us take a little tour, shall we?

First up, join me as we venture into the Kitchen/Dining area for an arresting assault on the eyes. White Verner Panton S Chairs encircle the dining table (decidedly more Danish than Japanese and most definitely knock offs) as a drab pixel pattern marks the floor. The pixel motif continues upwards in a blur and I'm sure someone somewhere thought they were being clever, but it's all just so blah. The definition of "pop" is to sparkle, to surprise, to catch off guard. Instead, I feel like I'm in the Arts & Crafts room at Bellevue or something. Not like I've ever been in the Arts & Crafts room at Bellevue. But if I were in the Arts & Crafts room at Bellevue, it would definitely have white plastic chairs as opposed to complicated metal ones I could take apart and beat an orderly upside the head with.

Moving on, we find green plastic chopsticks hanging out in water glasses because, you know, the Japanese daintily drink their water one drop at a time. Looking to the back wall, white mod capsules hold the dishes and stemware. By the way, what's up with all the white? White walls, white chairs, white cups... all the white makes the house look incredibly institutional.

The Lounge, however, is great. Bright, colorful, sleek yet quirky... wait a tic, what's that blasted white table doing there?! If we ditch the table, the room works. Even the cafeteria fluorescents reflect an interesting golden hue that warms the area.

Making our way into the bathroom, we find the booby showers - showers designed to play the boob show. I know many a male BB blogger who is getting a chubby right this very second.

Around the corner from the bathroom we find the Speaker Room - a ghastly bedroom with dollar store sheets and thin foam pallets. The muted purples and grays scream, "I will suck the life out of you!" Aww poor Houseguests. *giggles*

The Shoe Room is equally disturbing with it's high school bathroom floors and stinky shoe wall.

The HOH Room, however, isn't all that bad. In fact, it's warm, lush, and inviting with a tinge of Mountain Lodge thrown in. The couch alone is reason enough to want to hang out and plead my case. "The reason you should keep me in the house is because I'm sitting here talking to you with glitter encrusted nipples, dumb ass." Although, is that a super tiny bed or what?

Making our way outside, we find the pool and a freshly painted blue wall. Nothing too exciting leaps out and the couch area has been much better in past seasons. For a wild and technicolor theme, I'm kind of surprised by how non Technicolor the house and furnishings are. It's like someone pressed a giant mute button, got inspired, and ran with it.

Finally, we end the tour at the Memory Wall which sparked the rumor about 14 newbies. However, I have been told that there will be 16 newbies. CBS is famous for switching things up at the last minute so don't be surprised if whom you expected to see in the house isn't in the house and whom you didn't expect to see is in the house. More HG's are in sequester right now than are needed. Not all will make it in. Let's just collectively hope CBS chooses the ones who will bring drama not whispers. Infernal hard to hear whispers.

EDIT: I completely forgot to mention the room that was off limits during Media Day! And I'm not talking about the Have Not room. 

And that's it! That's Tokyo Poop. You can check out a SuperPass Video Tour of the house and catch the premiere episodes of Rumor Control featuring whisperer Daniele Donato and nails on a chalkboard Rachel Reilly today at 6pm EST. Click the link below before the Early Bird Special ends. Time is running out!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!