Saturday, August 27, 2011

Abort, Abort!

Deep down we knew. We knew the fairness, the equality, and the tide turning wouldn't last. There's a giant curly haired wizard (not to be confused with the leathery goddess wizard) behind the Big Brother curtain and she's out for vengeance. With an 8X10 glossy of Jeff Schroeder stuffed down her enormous pants, Allison Grodner yanks on pulleys, presses random buttons on the smoke machine, and goes through bag after bag of pork rinds thinking of ways to save what she thinks is her ratings goldmine. Rules be damned! The evil puppet master can only grind herself against that glossy for so long. She wants the real thing. She needs golden boy (and his idiot sidekick) in the house so she can sit in her giant office with her Funyun fingers and fondle herself. What Ms. Grodner doesn't realize is that she's already sitting on a ratings bonanza. It starts with "De" and ends with "Mon". It's a demon child brewing in the oven and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why this hasn't been addressed and turned into a plot line. Let's recap, shall we?

It's a new day in this house of tears and overnight Jordan has morphed into a preteen girl who gives her parents the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. It's morning and Shelly is in the kitchen. Jordan walks in and Shelly says, "Good morning Jordan." Jordan turns around and walks away in silence. A bastion of maturity she is! I wanted Shelly to slap her across the face in that moment and tell her to go to her room and not come out until she's prepared to act like an adult. I also wanted Shelly to smack her in the ass with a wooden spoon, but we can't all get what we want, can we?

Here's the thing: deep down Jordan knows that what Shelly did was indeed the best thing for her game. Jordan's phony bohunk boyfriend ruined any chance of getting Shelly's vote when he yelled and mocked her right before Thursday's live show. Jordan knows this. She's dumb, but she's not that dumb. If someone yelled at her and embarrassed her in front of the entire house, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go and vote for that person to stay. Jeff fucked up and Jordan isn't smart enough or savvy enough to deal with the aftermath. So, like a petulant child without her binky, Jordan refuses to acknowledge the fact that Jeff screwed up and instead, she stomps around the house moping hoping someone somewhere will care.

Jordan goes to Rachel and tells her the only way they'll be able to stay in the game is if they get a special power. Hearing this I was angry that Jordan would so flagrantly want the game to bow down and kneel in her direction. Why should special powers be invented for the sole purpose of saving them? Where's the fairness in that? Where's the strategy and the purity? I should have known then that something was on the horizon. Instead, I ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and checked in on what Porsche was up to.

In the backyard, Shelly, Porsche, and Kalia are going over whether or not they should put Adam on the block. Porsche tells the others that they better not lose HOH next week. Shelly says that if Rachel or Jordan wins HOH next week, then she is the number one target. Kalia, not wanting a moment in time to pass without her voice molesting it, chimes in and says that she is the number one target because she put Jeff on the block. Shelly replies, "I guaranteed I'm the target." She's right. Jordan's ire is like a heat seeking missile and Shelly is like a nice and toasty campfire.

The conversation turns to whom Porsche should nominate. Porsche is trying to run the meeting, but Kalia is again raping the air with her voice. Over and over again, incessantly, Kalia just won't shut up! Porsche would say, "Here's what we should..." and then in jumps Kalia, "This is what we should do." Porsche would try to continue, "I'm thinking of nominating..." and then in pops Kalia, "This is who we should nominate." Since I think we can all agree that Kalia is the WORST HOH in Big Brother history (*ahem* Lawon *ahem*), I'd prefer Kalia was in a corner somewhere eating her feelings rather than trying to run Porsche's HOH. I realize her dopamine levels are back to normal this week, but I think I prefer self-sabotaging-face-first-into-a-bag-of-pita-chips Kalia rather than know-it-all Kalia.

So the big question is whether or not Porsche should just go ahead and nominate Jordan & Rachel right off the bat. The target this week is Rachel and Porsche is concerned that she could win POV and remove herelf from the block. Porsche's other option is to nominate Jordan & Adam. She (or whichever one of them wins POV) will remove Adam and put up Rachel in his place. They run the plan by Adam and, like me, his reaction is pretty much, "Hell no. What the fuck?!" It's way too risky to not nominate Jordan & Rachel from the get go. If you nominate Jordan & Adam and Rachel wins POV, she'll remove Jordan and then Shelly is definitely going home. The risk far outweighs the alternative - Rachel winning and removing herself meaning Jordan goes home. Who cares who goes home this week from the Oldies side just as long as one of them goes home!

Adam airs his concerns, but Kalia & Porsche are convinced that Rachel or Jordan won't win POV. They think Rachel will crumble under pressure and they're certain Jordan can't win anything without Jeff there to help her. Again, why take the risk if you don't have to? At this point in the game, Jordan is equally as threatening as Rachel is - if not more so. Let's all remember how Jordan won BB11 in the first place. She was perceived as a nonthreat and ended up getting carried right to the end. With a Jury stacked with Oldies, it's much too dangerous to let her linger in the house. I know Porsche thinks taking her to the end is a way to keep her from voting, but it's also a way to hand her the entire game yet again. It's frustrating to watch the Newbies go back and forth over what should be a no brainer.

Meanwhile back in the confines of the Starburst Room, Rachel is becoming more and more concerned that she's pregnant. She's felt this way since last week and I never brought it up because her math was off and it hadn't been 4 weeks yet since her last period. But, now, as more time passes and Rachel confirms that sex took place without birth control, what was once a stab in the dark (ha!) now holds a teeny tiny bit more weight. Apparently, Rachel asked the DR for a pregnancy test, but they won't give her one. Now you listen to me CBS. I've been wanting a Big Brother baby since this whole crappy show started. If I'm finally getting one (that will probably be named Damien and kill us all in our sleep), I want to know about it! There are plans that need to be made, underground bunkers to be built, and a giant steel fence to erect around my house. I know for a fact that baby will emerge with a full head of hair, pointy eyebrows, and sharp nails. It'll take it's first breath while twirling it's moustache and demanding pig's blood instead of Similac. This will be a child of the corn and according to my calculations his arrival next April gives it enough time to wipe us out by December 21, 2012 - the end of the world as we know it. If Rachel still hasn't gotten her period by next week, we go into panic mode my dear readers.

The morning continued peaceful enough, but one thing was amiss. Porsche was locked out of her HOH and rumors of a Pandora's Box were rampant. A Pandora's Box at this point in the game means only one thing: keep Jordan safe. Know-it-all Kalia doesn't think it's a Pandora's Box at all. She says they still have to do nominations today and there's simply no time for a Pandora's Box to take place. Since shutting up isn't an option, Kalia continues pontificating on what if it was a Pandora's Box. If Jeff or Brendon came back into the game, she doesn't think they'd be there to play. She says they could spend their enire time yelling at her for all she cares. As long as they have no impact on the game, she's fine with them coming back. Rrrrright. First off, Shelly is the one Jeff would yell at and, secondly, when people come back they absolutely have an effect on the game (i.e. Rachel's pretzel note). Kalia is just talking to talk. That what she does best. She kills with words. Forget about that demon child, Kalia might just beat him to the punch and suck all the oxygen out of the atmosphere.

Well, like everything else in her life, Kalia was wrong about Pandora's Box. It did happen and that knucklehead Isuzu (I change her name when I'm angry with her) went ahead and opened it. Apparently, there were bottles of champagne and a gold box for Hyundai to choose from. She thought she'd be locked into the secret room where she could chug two bottles of champagne all by herself. Instead, Datsun won $5000 for her and Kalia and the blasted duos are back. The new duos are Porsche/Kalia, Adam/Shelly, and Rachel/Jordan. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Kalia was angry Chevy opened Pandora's Box while Adam tried to stay positive saying this has no bearing on the game.

As Adam is the most useless player in the game, he could not be more wrong. This puts a giant monkey wrench in everything. Now, if Jordan/Rachel are nominated and they manage to save themselves (which, let's face it, the POV will be designed for precisely this to happen), Ford will be forced to nominate Adam/Shelly meaning Shelly will most definitely go home. No wonder Adam isn't concerned about it! He's safe no matter what happens. What infuriates me most about this is you KNOW Allison and her minions sat up all night thinking of ways to keep Jordan & Rachel in the game. This whole thing feels last minute and spontaneous. It reeks of meddling. It's no secret that BB has tried to influence the game in the past, but it's become a farce at this point. There's no sanctity anymore. The purity of the game no longer exists. CBS executives clearly have their favorites and what used to be subtle manipulation is now a flagrant joke. I'm disappointed because not even smarts and savvy are enough anymore. The direction of the game depends on whether or not a curly-haired puppet master has the hots for you. It's gross and fake and I hate it.

Immediately after opening Pandora's Box, Volvo regrets it. Shelly tries to tell her it's totally fine and that now she has $5000 she didn't have before. Subaru worries that she just took $5000 over $50 or $500K. At home I punched myself in the face and screamed, "Why, why, whyyyy?!" Why did Toyota open that damn box?!? She should have taken one look at it and then walked away. It's her own fault. She made a dumb ass mistake and now we're all paying for it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Jordan or Rachel still goes home, but watching this game for as long as I have and knowing what I know, I am lacking in optimism at this point.

Conversely, Jordan & Rachel are thrilled - as they should be. Who wouldn't be thrilled knowing the game is bending to their every whim? Rachel excitedly tells Jordan that now they have a fighting chance. All they need to do is win POV. Meanwhile, Camry is worried that if Jordan/Rachel do win that Adam will flip again. It's the only thing he's good at. Flip flop, flip flop. She warns Adam that Jordan & Rachel will be working him hard. Adam tells her she has nothing to worry about. I, for one, don't believe him for one second. I think he'll flip in a heartbeat and I also think he'll cruise right into the final 3 - perhaps the final 2. It's nauseating to think that in an Adam/Shelly or Adam/Kalia final two, Adam would probably win. Scary, isn't it?

Skipping forward to BBAD, we find Jordan & Rachel in the HOH room with Porsche & Kalia trying to make a deal. Jordan initiated it all by saying something along the lines of, "I've never talked game with y'all before because I've never talked game in the past." What the hell is she talking about? "Wull, umm, uhh Jayeff, wull." Oh shut up you idiot. That twang drives me insane. Jordan continues and tries to make a treaty. She says the other side got rid of Brendon & Jeff and her side got rid of Dani so, in her mind, they're even. Now, I'm not a genius. I'm not a rocket scientist and I don't have a PhD on my wall, but correct me if I'm wrong here.... Brendon + Jeff = 2 people. Dani = 1 person. According to what I learned when I was about three years old, 2 and 1 are not equal values.

Rachel interrupts and goes on her floater rant. She thinks both Shelly & Adam are floaters and she wants them out sooner rather than later so that Jordan/Rachel/Porsche/Kalia can be in the final four. I take issue with anyone calling Shelly a floater. She hasn't won anything yet, but her social game has been pretty stellar. She got information from both sides of the house, managed to keep Rachel off the block when Kalia was HOH, and is the reason Jeff is sunning himself at the Jury House right now. She may not be likable to some and she may not side with your favorites, but I don't think anyone can say Shelly hasn't been playing since day one.

Jordan gets up to leave the HOH, but Rachel isn't ready to go yet. Jordan tries to shove Rachel out the door, but Rachel doesn't budge. She has more to say and it's basically a bunch of b.s. about how she's honest and will tell you straight to your face what she's thinking. Somewhere an angel plummeted to it's death in that moment. RIP sweet angel. The whole grody scenario ends with Kalia happy. She's always happy when she feels like the Oldies are somewhat on her side. This is what makes her such a shitty player. She lacks the cutthroatiness needed to make big moves. The Jeff eviction on her part was a fluke as far as I'm concerned. Had that been a week long HOH of hers, there's no telling what sort of cockamamie moves she would have made.

Alright, I'm going to end this here because some bitch named Irene is knocking on my door. In the event that my power goes out, there will not be a blog tomorrow. There won't be a blog because A) I won't have the power to watch the feeds, type, and post one and B) I'll have driven myself insane from having no TV and internet access. Godspeed those of you near the coastline. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Friday, August 26, 2011

It's A Got Got Celebration!

I'd like to open today's blog with an exact reenactment of what I did last night. Please to enjoy:

Let's recap, shall we?

When all hope seemed lost, when the sadness overwhelmed us, when it appeared we had nothing left to live for... a miracle happened! A sexy little miracle wrapped up in velvet and tied tight with a giant ribbon bounced into our lives. The man who thought he had it all - the perfect fake relationship, the coaching from the Diary Room, scores of adoring menopausal women - is gone bitches! He got punched in the face with a jolt of reality and was sent packing. It's ok though. He'll be fine. Surrounded by past issues of Homophobic Monthly, he'll spend the rest of his summer shrouded in embarrassment and regret. It's a Festivus miracle! It's a Got Got celebration! Grab those bowls of glitter I told you to put on your windowsill at the beginning of the season and get ready to do some dippin' - some nipple dippin' that is.

Daniele is gone, Jeff is gone (woohoo!), and two very happy young ladies take an opportunity to celebrate. Giddy with excitement and bursting with joy, Kalia and Porsche are beside themselves with glee. Once again, Kalia dominated a question comp while Porsche finally sailed her way to a physical comp victory. As that POV competition was clearly designed with a Jeff victory in mind, Porsche nailed it while Jeff hurled one of the very shoes he was looking for right out of the box. Hahaha sucker!

Not everyone is happy though. There are two more little girls who are sad. Awww. Sad and weepy to be exact. *giggles* Jordan is furious things didn't go her way so now she's going to throw a gigantic tantrum and attack a woman who did only what was best for her game. You see, it's fine for Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel to play skillfully and tell lies. It's fine for Jeff to attack Shelly minutes before the live show, but somehow, in that tiny little raisin Jordan calls a brain, it's not fine for Shelly to defend herself and play strategically. Immediately after the live show ends, Jordan flies off the handle and accuses Shelly of mocking Jeff & Jordan in the DR throughout the entire game. Shelly tells Jordan she's not there to play Jeff's game. *Oh snap!* Shelly is there to play her own game. Jordan screams, "I gave you a fucking phone call!" and at home I poured a magnum of Cristal all over my naked chest. Sensing that Jordan was about to do or say something really stupid (which is pretty much par for the course), Rachel rushes in and escorts her to the Starburst Room where together they cry and lament over how their men did everything they could to protect them. *gag*

Jordan whines about how evil Daniele is, "She's such a dumb bitch. Wearing too much eye make-up!" Really Jordan? Really? You have nothing better to criticize about Daniele than her make-up? How very stoic and mature of you. Jordan continues burbling about how she should have never voted out Brendon. I suppose you could say Jordan feels like she "got got" by Shelly. *fireworks burst overhead* It's poetic really. It's all perfect and Aesop-y how everything that goes around comes around and people finally get what they deserve. I've always felt that stupidity and ignorance should never be rewarded. Jordan winning her season of Big Brother made me question the order of the universe and what the grand master flash plan was for all of humanity. Sure enough, she's spent thousands of her prize money on Jeff and now she has nothing to show for it, but a phony relationship and a disturbing complacency about it all.

Through the tears and the moans, Jordan finds one thing to be happy about. She's used her fingers to do some adding and she's realized that the Oldies control the votes in the Jury House. LOL so what Jordan? You're still going to have to vote for a Newbie to win. You're still going to have to reward that money to someone you feel doesn't deserve it. It's sort of like when you got the money your season, isn't it? Again, what goes around, comes around. Beauteous.

Meanwhile in the Tarot Card Room, Adam is busy doing his usual Thursday night flip. It's a weekly ritual he's become quite good at. It involves sucking the teat of the side of the house that's in power. It's gotten him this far. Why not try it again? Adam tells Kalia he voted the way he did against Daniele because Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel treated him well. Clearly, he missed out on all the convos that took place behind his back - the ones where Jeff mocked him and Jordan planned his eviction. Add another idiot onto the fire. If there was an "America's Favorite Floater" award, Adam would be the undisputed winner.

While all of this is going on, our leathery goddess is having herself a good cry as well. She feels bad about having to turn on Jeff & Jordan. She never meant to hurt them and we all know she's telling the truth. She went into this game looking up to them and defending them a little too much, but we all knew that eventually the glossy veneer would dull and she'd see those two assholes for who they really are - selfish and entitled. It's Jeff own fault really. Had he not been such a bullying dick to everyone, he'd probably still have Shelly in his back pocket. So now Shelly is sort of wiped out and exhausted. You know those cries you have when you're plum tuckured out? Your body is spent and you just want to curl up in bed and veg out to a My So-Called Life marathon or something. Well, that's where Shelly is right about now. She's spent.

Kalia tells Shelly that from here on out it's four against two. They just need to stick together and ride this thing out to the end. Shelly nods and sniffles about what a hypcrite Jeff is. She doesn't understand why it was ok for him to play his own game, but it was never ok for her to play her own game. Porsche tells her not to worry about. Jordan already won the $500K two years ago. She doesn't need or deserve to win it again. Shelly is thankful for her new sisters in the house and it's sort of sweet how Kalia & Porsche have rallied around her to buoy her spirits.

Back in the Starburst Room, a delicious festival of tears is taking place. Jordan is still yammering on and on about she controls the vote in the Jury House and Rachel wonders if perhaps one of them can still make it to the end. Jordan thinks it's a lost cause for both of them and Rachel says they should have all just gone out of the game in the first four weeks and collected their guaranteed stipend. In case you're wondering, the Oldies are getting paid twice what the Newbies are and it sounds like they were either guaranteed a spot in the Jury House (which would explain why Brendon came back into the game) or getting paid for the entire run of the season regardless of when they got out of the game.

As sniffling is only fun to Rachel when she has a sympathetic audience, she wipes her nose and wonders where her stuffed dog, Colonel Quackers, is. If those meanies out in the Living Room can send her and Jordan's doofus boyfriends home, then Rachel wants Colonel Quackers back and she wants him now. With a furl of her lip and a stomp, Rachel marches out of the Starburst Room and says to Shelly, "You took out my fiance. You took out Jeff. I want my stuffed dog back." Shelly replies, "I didn't take your dog sweetheart." Ha! Sweetheart! God, I love Shelly. Rachel puts her hands on her hips and says in a tough menacing voice, "Who hid Colonel Quackers?" *laughs* It's hard to be scary when you say the name "Colonel Quackers" you harlot. Rachel is insistent, but Shelly, Kalia, and Porsche swear they have no idea where it is. (Note: I am told that Shelly did indeed hide the stuffed dog which, of course, means my admiration for her grows exponentially.)

Frustrated and angry, Rachel stomps back into the Starburst Room where Jordan is still miserable and crying. *dumps an entire bowl of glitter over self* All I've wanted all season long is Jeff gone and Jordan crying about it. Jordan says herself she never wanted to come back to the Big Brother house in the first place and, to hardcore fans like all of us, it's incredibly infuriating to hear something like that. Watching her spend the entire summer hiding under the covers and sleeping is an insult to Big Brother fans. She took up a space that could have been occupied by Matt, Ragan, Ronnie or a slew of other people who'd be more than happy to play and play with a vengeance. I understand that people like and adore Jordan and to those people I ask... Doesn't it bother you that she never wanted to be there? Doesn't it rattle some sort of anger inside of you that she wants to get evicted next week and be done with the whole thing? We all invest so much time in this show and to see someone not give a shit about the opportunity they've been given is a slap in the face.

Before I can get any angrier about Jordan wasting my time, she very graciously gives me another precious gift. The tears begin to fall more rapidly and her face contorts into all sorts of glorious shapes. A fairy friend fluttered nearby and together we took tiny thimble shots of gin. I threw my top off and Bindweed Rainbowtree (that's my fairy's name) tried to take her top off too, but it got tangled in her drunken wings. Together we laughed and laughed. Her laugh is high and lilting while mine is more of an Anderson Cooper fit of giggles. Bindweed and I decided to take a shot everytime Jordan sniffled and then another shot everytime she wiped her eyes. By the end of the night we were both pantsless and face first into an empty bathtub. I've got a hell of a hangover and a crick in my neck, but it was all worth it. In fact, I've recorded a loop of Jordan crying and I plan on playing it whenever life decides to serve me lemons. A couple seconds of "Sniffle, sniffle, burble, burble, Jayeff..." and I'll be right as rain again. Thanks Jordan!

While the cryfest continues, Kalia's confidence grows into that motormouth thing she does whenever she wins something. She's telling story after story of inane crap that no one cares about while simultaneously wondering where her HOH basket is and if she can eat it yet. Porsche & Kalia discover the basket in the Storage Room and are both thrilled to find Nair inside. Kalia's letter is from her boyfriend and I don't think I'm the only one surprised he actually exists.

Let's check back into the Starburst Room, shall we? Awww would you look at that? Now both Rachel and Jordan are bawling their eyes out. Seriously ladies, you're spoiling me. Feel free to spread out your hiccup-y nonsense over the course of the next several days. There's no rush here. While instant gratification is nice and all, I'll also take little spurts here and there.

The feeds go down for a little while and when they come back, guess what happens? Porsche is our new HOH! *glitter falls from the sky* Can this week get any better? Of course it can. Check it out...

She's gone fetal! *fanfare* They both start bawling again over one of them going home and Jordan says that all the old HG's are probably cheering right now (yup). She admits that they all hate her (well, that's what happens when someone undeserving gets a prize and then alienates themself). Not one to be outdone, Rachel admits that they all hate her too. Actually, that's not true. Rachel has much more support from the old HG's than Jordan does. But who cares about all that? All I care about is that now these two sappy morons have to pack up Jeff's things for him. While they pack Jordan takes yet another opportunity to bash Daniele. She keeps saying Dani is trying to be like her dad which I don't understand at all. It's a flimsy argument that holds no weight. Daniele is nothing like her father and I think she's proved that she played her own game this season. Jordan is just so incredibly trite that the only things she can think to criticize Daniele for areher make-up and whatever the Zingbot said about her. Original thoughts aren't exactly Jordan's forte. Little snippy bursts of childlike petulance are more her speed.

The pouting continues throughout most of BBAD while Porshe dances around the house and talks to imaginary Jeff's in the mirror. "Sorry I had to beat you," she says. "I simply couldn't let you win the POV, could I?" Normally, something like this would annoy me, but I'm in a good mood tonight so let Porsche have her moment. Rock it out girl. You deserve it.

Finally, Porsche gets her HOH room. She nixed her plan to wear a bikini during the reveal and settled on her standard pink tracksuit instead. She scurries around the room pointing out who's who in all the photos while Shelly shouts, "Yay!" and Jordan chokes back tears. Rachel wanders from photo to photo with her arms crossed while Kalia scopes out the treats in Porsche's HOH basket. Porsche continues to scamper around whooping everytime she discovers something new. "My own bible, whoop!", "My bitch mints, whoop!", "That's my older brother, whoop!", "Whoop! I got a Ped Egg, yes!" She reads her letter from her little brother while Jordan is literally weeping to herself. It was a perfect ending to a perfect evening and I couldn't have asked for anything better. Thank you Big Brother gods for finally listening. I was running out of virgins to sacrifice.

The plan is to evict Rachel and, to be honest, I'd much rather they got rid of Jordan first. It scares me when people let her slither through the game, but, then again, maybe she'll fight with Shelly some more. We'll see. So, what did you guys think of last night? Did you dip your breasts in glitter (willy's for the men) or did you hurl your body off of the top of your nearest skyscraper? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

It began as a low rumbling. Garble garble rumble rumble. And then, the ground convulsed and the windows shook. Exciting and scary, loud and strange, confusing and thrilling. Was it Jordan creating a thought? Was it Adam saying something even remotely interesting? Was it Rachel angering the Baby Jesus with her Bible reading? The seismologists of the world say it was an earthquake - an east coast earthquake. Pshaw right! I think you and I both know it was the wrath of the Big Brother gods. Those bored bastards can't take it anymore so now they're beating on their drums all angry like and demanding the fresh blood of young virgins to keep this season afloat. Let's recap, shall we?

Admittedly, I didn't watch a whole lot of the feeds yesterday, but I'm sick of you people calling me a cunt whenever I don't post (Although I think there's a compliment buried in there somewhere. I mean, there has to be. Why else would you be so angry? Whatever.). I shall begin with a continuation of my love affair with Shelly - the only woman doing a damn thing in this game. Our leathery goddess, our scuffed briefcase, starts bright and early making yet another pitch to Adam to keep Daniele in the house. Shelly is itching to make a big move in the game and she needs Adam by her side to do it. Adam, however, thinks he'll get to the end by "winning competitions". Uh, come again? He's also scared that Jordan will nominate him if he sides with the Newbies. Ok, never in my life have I ever heard of anyone being scared of Jordan which proves my next point - ADAM IS A GIANT PUSSY.

Adam is indeed a giant pussy. He's weak. He's feeble. He likes being bossed around. He's scared of idiot blonde girls. And, he can't think for himself. I hate to say "I told you so" (not really), but I had this guy pegged from the get-go. All talk, no pizazz. No wow factor. Just a superfan who's a superdouche. He thinks his love of 90210 and penchant for girly drinks makes him quirky and lovable. Wrong! It makes you an insufferable nerd with nothing to offer the world but a nauseatingly scratchy voice. I said from the start that he was a waste of a good casting spot and I stand by it. How fucking hard is it to find someone interesting to place in the house? I mean, seriously? Robyn Kass should be kicked out of Hollywood for her complete and utter inability to cast reality shows in a successful manner (Hey, I saw Love In The Wild. That was also a giant sucky borefest.) I could go up the road to the local 7-11 and pick up a whole gaggle of interesting people. Sure, they'd be drunk with Slim Jim's hanging out of their noses, but they'd be interesting.

(I want this photo poster sized - beautious!)

So, Shelly is trying. God bless her, she's trying. She knows what the deal is. She knows she'll never win this game if she keeps protecting Jeff & Jordan. More importantly, she knows she needs to stop Rachel from taking home $50,000. So far, Adam hasn't ratted her out to Jeff & Jordan which, let's face it, is nothing short of a miracle. He shirks her suggestions and goes on and on about how scared he is of Daniele, but he still hasn't told Jeff & Jordan that Shelly is conspiring against them. It is because he hasn't ratted that I'm holding onto a tiny little frayed smidgen of hope. Hope that he's still weighing his options. Hope that he's noncommittal. Hope that he'll see the light before Thursday. I think it was Kalia who said the other day that she's annoyed how all the votes seem to linger on which way Adam will swing. I'm annoyed too. It's extremely frustrating when all the power lies in the hands of a useless lump.

Speaking of Kalia, she like literally, obviously, literally 100% point plank, period, won't shut up. Maybe she started the earthquake. Perhaps the bedrock and tectonic plates began to pucker and shift because she's using up all the earth's oxygen. I guess she has to try and save herself, but it's still annoying. She tells Adam that she's really not sleeping as much as people think she is. In fact, she's daydreaming about her boyfriend. Are we assholes because only an asshole would believe a line like that? Speaking of boyfriends, Kalia wonders why Rachel is with Brendon. Especially since she hates Los Angeles and can't get a job. Kalia thinks something very dark and twisty must have happened to Rachel when she was little to make her so dependent on someone else. Adam wonders why Rachel doesn't just commute back and forth to Vegas (it's 4 hours away!) and Kalia says she doesn't want to be away from Brendon at all during the week. It's a dumbass conversation that really has no bearing on the game, but I sat and listened so now you have to sit and read about it.

Out in the backyard, Rachel tells Shelly that she's nervous that Porsche and Adam will vote to keep Daniele. Shelly counters by saying that she wonders where they (she and Rachel) will fall in the alliance when it comes to the end. What a sly puss she is. Rachel shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, we'll need to win HOH's." *sigh* Stupid harlot. Rachel confesses that there are times when she and Jeff don't get along. She wonders aloud if maybe one day they'll nominate her, but then quickly poo-poo's the idea saying that she'd never nominate them. No way. No how. *Grrrr!* Shelly takes a long drag on her cigarette and agrees. What else can she do? Rachel is alone in the game at this point and her beefy bohunk boyfriend has instructed her to stick with Jeff & Jordan. Rachel would be one tough nut to crack even for a mindfucker like Shelly.

It's no secret that I want to Daniele to stay in the game, but I've gotta say that she's going about it all wrong. I don't know if it's slop brain or brattiness, but her ability to campaign yesterday was extremely weak. She begins by telling Adam that there's no way he'll make it to the end unless he starts winning competitions. Strange to insult the very guy whose vote you're trying to get. Daniele assures him she'll get the next HOH if she stays in the house. Adam flounders and says he's incredibly intimidated by Daniele in the game. Daniele is confused. She asks him how she's more of a threat that Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel. Adam says that he sees Rachel as more of a target than a threat. Daniele, in a very accusatory voice, says, "Are you kidding?" *sigh* Daniele, pumpkin, you can't act holier than thou when you're trying to reel someone in. I realize you're angry. I realize Adam is an idiot, but you really need to work on your people skills.

Here's what I would have done: I would have run down what is going to happen in the last final weeks. I'd ask Adam who he thinks would go on the block if only Jeff, Jordan, Shelly, and Rachel were left in the game. I'd reiterate over and over exactly just how low he is on that totem pole. Then, I'd go in for the kill. I'd offer him a final two deal. I'd tell him I'd nominate Shelly and Porsche before I'd ever nominate him. I'd tell that asshole anything and everything he wants to hear in order to get his vote. This bitchy bullshit that Daniele is pulling isn't savvy and it isn't smart. Adam is looking for a people pleaser. He's looking for protection. So, offer it to him! Point out how Jeff & Jordan can only protect him for maybe one more week. Offer him the world. Tell him he'll never win against J/J/R in a final two. Tell him anything! Tell him everything! Just, tell him! Sitting around eye rolling and making him feel like a dumbass won't win him over. It's actually shocking how poorly Daniele is trying to save herself. Shelly is better at saving Daniele than Daniele is at saving Daniele.

The conversation continues but it's flimsy and lackluster. Daniele tries to reiterate how much of a target she is. Adam responds by calling her a threat. Round and round it goes. The real cringeworthy moment was when Daniele said her dad would hate Adam for evicting her. Oy. Really? Adam just laughs it off and says Evel Dick already hates him. Shelly approaches and the conversation ends. No progress is made and, if anything, Daniele just hurt her case even more.

With Daniele doing such a shitty job trying to save herself and Adam being so stubborn, it seems like only a miracle could get Kalia out of the house this week. Could that miracle be Jeff himself? Much later on, Jeff tells Adam he knows about his secret alliance with Porsche. He's pissed off about it and he can't have that from him as they go forward in the game. That, right there, should have been a big giant flag to Humpty Dumpty that Jeff will turn on him lightening quick. In all honesty, I'm surprised Jeff even went there. One would think he'd simply kiss Adam's ass to get through this week and perhaps next week too should Adam win HOH. Thankfully, Jeff's short temper and arrogance makes it very hard for him to keep his trap shut. Still, regrettably, Adam doesn't flinch. In fact, he turns up the brown nosing. He kisses Jeff's ass even harder (if that's possible). That's the problems with men with no balls - they are utterly USELESS.

As it stands right now, Adam isn't budging on his vote to evict Daniele. Daniele did a shit job trying to save herself and Shelly can really only do so much. It looks like we'll be stuck with the delicious morsel above for at least another week. Hide yo' crackers. Hide yo' chips. I'm off tomorrow, but I'll be back on Thursday and hopefully I'll be writing about Porsche up in her HOH. I can't believe I'm rooting for Porsche now. Who would a' thunk it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

And You Can Be My Cowgirl

Whenever I'm feeling sad and blue, a haughty cowgirl mosies into my life and takes those blues away. She hitches up her britches, shakes her wispy hair, and does a saunter that'll make you swoon. Bony-legged and smelling of Folgers Crystals, Shelly is my cowgirl. She may not know what guacamole is, but she knows what straight shootin' is. Actually, I take that back. What's "straight" to Shelly is a giant zigzag to the rest of the world. When Shelly shoots straight, heart monitors blip and polygraphs spike. It's ok though. We forgive her these things. We forgive because we love. In a stagnant house of parrot poop and bacon turds, who else can we turn to but Cowgirl Shelly to breathe some life into this joint? We certainly can't count on those phony lovers up in the HOH room. We definitely can't count on the bald fat man who shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of an elementary school. Shelly is the belle of the ball or the big man on campus. I'm not sure. Who cares! Let's recap, shall we?

Big Jeff has decided to go back on his word, like we all knew he would, and use the POV. Jeff takes Porsche off the block and puts up Daniele. Daniele, the person who saved him week after week after week. Daniele, the girl who went out of her way to make Jeff feel comfortable throwing comps in order to take cash prizes. Daniele, the one who didn't even use his dimwitted blonde sidekick as a pawn. This is who Jeff chooses to get rid of this week. You see, Jeff is still holding onto that Week 3 bungle that Daniele made - the one where she suggested backdooring the giant douchebag. I still maintain it was a genius plan. That asshole would be out of the house and we'd finally be done with him. That's all I've ever wanted all season long - to be done with Jeff Schroeder. With his homophobic rants and phony love affair (you don't really think that's real, do you?), I'm downright sick of CBS's golden boy. If I could go the rest of my life without ever having to hear his annoying midwestern accent, I'd be one happy girl.

Before I get to my recap, let's discuss how completely and utterly phony Jeff's love affair is with Jordan is. These two have been in the house for 96 weeks now and not once have they shared a tender moment or a kiss. Sure, he calls her "Love", but you know what? He's also called Shelly and Daniele "Love". As a purveyor of terms of endearments (I give everyone and everything a nickname), Jeff might as well be calling his dog "Love". Other than calling her cute in the Diary Room (which I'm sure is scripted by CBS), Jeff treats Jordan like a college best friend who happens to be a girl. Look at Brendon & Rachel in contrast. Now those two are in love. Sure, it's creepy and dysfunctional, but they never pass up a chance to kiss, cuddle, or touch one another. It's tender and real. I'm not saying Jeff & Jordan need to have full blown sex in the house, but not sharing at least one real kiss after over a month in the same space is weird. It's weird and suspicious and PHONY. They can lie in the game all they want, but I think it's about time to knock of the "Jejo" ruse. They have different goals, different dreams. They said it themselves. Jeff wants to move to L.A. and Jordan has no desire whatsoever to head west. Jordan is about as loving as a paper bag and Jeff is about as genuine as cubic zirconia. Fans of theirs should be angry not smitten. I'm surprised more people haven't wised up to the wool that's being pulled over their eyes. C'mon cat ladies. Surely, you're smart enough to know when you're being tricked, right? Nevermind. I'm probably giving you too much credit. As you were. Continue making your Jeff & Jordan decoupage if you must. You're beyond help.

So Jeff has put Daniele up for eviction and, naturally, the three girls (D/K/P) are upset about it. However, up in the HOH room, Rachel is thrilled. Her bohunk boyfriend will be avenged and she couldn't be happier about it. She can't wait for Brendon to clap when he sees Daniele enter the Jury House. Jordan tells Rachel not to say such things because she'll jinx them. Personally, I thought it was an awfully silly thing for Jordan to say, but little did I know that the jinx is not only real... it was actually materializing. A puff of smoke escaped Rachel's bird beak when she spoke of Brendon's glee and now it's traveling downstairs to plant itself inside Shelly's tanned hide of a brain. Whirling and swirling amongst the Coppertone and Camels, Ole Jinxy makes itself comfortable and gets to work. Unsuspecting and ravenous, Rachel shovels Jeff's HOH food into her mouth while telling Jordan that they need to prepare for the next HOH. Rachel thinks it's going to be True or False. Jordan says there's no way to prepare for that and, besides, she always gets those wrong. Rachel insists they think up scenarios to test each other on. They need to practice day and night as it's imperative one of them win the next HOH.

Out in the backyard, Shelly gets a tingling in her noggin and it dawns on her... there's no way she can win BB13 if she goes to the final three with Jeff & Jordan. Finally! Finally the cocoa butter queen has come to her senses. I knew it would hit her sooner or later. I knew the glossy Jeff & Jordan ruse would one day wither away and turn into a crusty globule of dried pus. Shelly is a smart lady and it was only a matter of time before the bloom was off the rose. She turns to Daniele and tells her she has to fight to stay in the game. Daniele says the house is full of hypocrites and clearly Jeff's word means nothing. Shelly nods and asks Daniele if she'll put her on her block if she stays in the game. Daniele says no and asks Shelly if she'd ever put her up. Shelly says no. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, Shelly leaps off the Jeff & Jordan ship and hops aboard the Dani Train.

It may seem hasty and strange, but, in truth, this was a long time coming. You see, Shelly hates Rachel. She hates the words she says, the things she does, and the way she acts. It's bothered Shelly these past few weeks that Jeff & Jordan want to keep someone like that in the game. Seeing the shiny sparkly Jeff & Jordan she's admired so much align themselves with a wretched woman like Rachel troubles Shelly. She's tried reconciling it in her mind. She's tried to work with them and see the big picture, but the more she adds up the numbers in her head, the more it's looking like Jeff & Jordan would take Rachel to the final three before they'd ever take Shelly. J&J know they could beat Rachel. They could especially beat her in the final two. Rachel getting to the final two means she walks away with a cool $50K in her greasy palms and this, THIS, drives Shelly insane. Knowing that Jeff & Jordan would willingly let that harlot get some prize money doesn't sit well with her. It makes her question their intentions and loyalty. What's worse, it makes her question their character. Could it be J&J aren't as fascinating as CBS wants her to think they are? Yes, Shelly, yes. They're just regular people (although slightly dimmer than the average American) with a great edit.

Back in the Have-Not room Porsche and Daniele are talking about what they need to do this week to keep Daniele in the game. Daniele says she's can't go home. She has to stay and they have to get rid of Jeff next week. Daniele doesn't feel entirely comfortable campaigning against Kalia so she tutors Porsche in how to do it for her. They decide that they need to use Kalia's long time deal with Jordan (the one where Kalia promised to never put up Jordan) against her. Daniele tells Porsche to follow Kalia everywhere and thwart any opportunity she has to campaign to others. Daniele also thinks there's a good chance that Kalia could sink herself since she runs her mouth so much.

Porsche nods and listens intently to all of the instructions. In order to make sure that Porsche absorbs everything she's saying and understands how the numbers may fall, Daniele pulls out some painted corn kernels and assigns each one to an HG (the blue one is Shelly). Methodically, Daniele runs through all the scenarios of what could happen next week depending on who wins HOH. They try to guess how everyone will vote, but one person always comes up as a question mark: Shelly. Completely unaware that Shelly has already jumped ship, Daniele wonders how she can get Shelly on her side instead of Jeff & Jordan's. She decides that pushing a Shelly/Rachel fight is the best method. Daniele says they need Shelly to blow up on Rachel. They need Shelly to believe that Jeff/Jordan/Rachel are a tight unit that has no room for a Banana Boat Bathing Beauty. Better yet, they'll make Shelly believe she's even lower than Adam in the J/J alliance.

Meanwhile, outside, Shelly is marinating. Covered in olive oil with a Pall Mall dangling from her lips, the Wizard is ruminating and planning. The jinx is working it's magic and plans are beginning to form. Kalia smells the olive oil roasting in the sun and makes her way over to Shelly. If only she had a bag of oregano and parmesan in her pocket. She could fake trip on her flip-flop and sprinkle it all over Shelly. Oh the smell, the heavenly food smell! Since Kalia doesn't have any fresh herbs or cheeses up her sleeves, she wanders over to Shelly and begins campaigning to stay in the house. She tells Shelly that Daniele assumes she'll be going home anyways this week. If she stays in the game, she'll be a big threat. Shelly nods and agrees. The conversation turns to Rachel and both are annoyed that there's a distinct possibility that she could walk away with $50K by the time all is said and done. I'm inclined to agree. I don't want Rachel walking away with anything but a tarnished reputation and a package of Pro-Activ.

That chat turns to Adam and how he hasn't done shit this entire summer. Kalia points out that he plays week to week and jumps to whichever side is in power. Shelly agrees and says he needs to go. In her mind, she thinks he's useless, but I'm also guessing she thinks he has usurped her in the J/J alliance. Kalia warns Shelly to be very careful with Jeff & Jordan. Rachel has been feeding them bad info all summer long and it hasn't exactly been in Shelly's favor. Shelly knows and says she can't believe Rachel told them she said Dani was a disgusting human being. LOL Oh Shelly. Truth be told, Shelly did say that Daniele was a disgusting human being. I don't know why, but I forgive Shelly her lies. It just doesn't bother me so much coming from her. She's doing what she needs to do to stay in the game while trash talking everyone that bugs her and mindfucking the weak. I find it endearing. There's something about a tough old smoky broad that I have a hard time hating.

Some time passes and the jinx has firmly latched onto Shelly's brain stem. She needs to feel out the other voters and see how hard it'll be to keep Daniele in the game. Out in the backyard with Adam and Porsche, Shelly asks Porsche where her loyalties lie. Porsche says she's with the newbies, but she'll be voting out Kalia this week. Adam says he'll be voting out Daniele. Shelly lights up a smoke, takes a deep breath, and says, "I think we need to keep Daniele in the game and here's why..." She tells them how even though she likes and cares for J&J, if they make it to the final three, none of the newbies have a chance of winning. Porsche nods and agrees. She says there's no way J&J will vote out Rachel. Shelly nods. If they flip the house this week and keep Dani in the game, then they have the numbers. It's something for them all to seriously think about. Before the conversation can progress, Jeff comes out and everyone shuts up.

Eventually, Jeff leaves and Shelly sees her opportunity to talk with Adam. Too bad talking with Adam is like talking to a hunk of bacon. Shelly tells Adam that they need to split up Jeff & Jordan. It makes no sense to let them run the house all the way to end. If they make it to the finals, they'll win. Also, Shelly thinks that the second Rachel gets chance, she'll put Shelly on the block. Shelly asks Adam if he'll be willing to talk to Daniele with her and Porsche. Adam says he'll talk to Daniele on his own and admits that he doesn't trust Daniele at all. He hasn't trusted her for weeks. Back when he was on the block, Daniele would've been fine with him going home. He says if they keep Kalia, she'll go after Rachel next week. Shelly counters back saying that if they keep Daniele, she'll go after Rachel and Jeff & Jordan. Shelly reiterates that they'll have more numbers if they go to the other side. It's so frustrating how right she is. Remember, Jordan wants Adam out ASAP. Yes, I'm a fan of Daniele and want her to stay in the game, but common sense dictates that it would actually behoove Adam to flip right now. How he can't see that J/J/R are on the fast track to the final three (that doesn't include him!) is a mystery to me.

Shelly tells Adam that there's no way Rachel would protect either of them. Adam dimwittedly says he doesn't think Rachel can win another HOH. *smacks self in head* Oh and you can Bacon Boy? What purpose do you serve? Please, I'd love to know. You've done NOTHING this entire game. I've been writing about this show for almost 7 weeks and not once has Adam been featured as the center of anything. He hasn't fought, he hasn't entertained, he hasn't done shit. All he'll be remembered for is the guy who shaved his beard to look like a child molester. That's it! That's his claim to fame.

Shelly continues saying that neither of them can put up Jeff, but Dani can. Yes! Dani can and Dani will. Adam burbles that he thinks Kalia will keep them safe. Kalia? Kalia! Oh puhlease. Kalia has the backbone of a slinky. She'll stick her tongue up Jeff's ass and ask him, "Faster? Should I do it faster? Please like me. Please!" Nearby, Jeff approaches so they switch the conversation to a neutral topic.

Shelly goes inside and runs into Kalia. Kalia tells Shelly she must be in a weird position this week. Shelly shrugs her shoulders and says, "Don't worry about it." They begin to talk a little game, but Shelly is uncomfortable being in front of the cameras that Jordan can watch from the HOH room. They move into the Tarot Card Room where Shelly asks Kalia how she thinks Porsche will vote. Kalia says she thinks Porsche will vote with the house and evict Daniele. She thinks Porsche won't want to piss off Jeff. Not everyone is a pussy like you Kalia. The conversation turns to Adam and Kalia says Jeff wants Adam in his pocket because Jeff can't play in HOH this week. Kalia goes on to say that Adam isn't even a very good liar. He was supposed to go home 4 weeks ago. Kalia says that no matter who stays in the game, Daniele or herself, Shelly needs to team up with the Newbies and get the Oldies out. Kalia can't believe how, as a superfan, Adam is so content to spend his time in Big Brother playing for the Oldies to win. How embarrassing! Too right. Embarrassing indeed. The guy is a buffoon. Can you imagine how he'll be milking his 15 minutes when he gets out? Gross. He's another one I won't even bother to follow on Twitter. I mean, why would you? What can Adam say that's the least bit interesting or funny? If he didn't entertain you in the house, he's certainly not going to entertain you out of it. Can a primal scream even translate into a tweet?

My favorite part of the day is all thanks to Porsche who is quickly growing on me. She made a fleeting comment to Rachel about how this week a girl will be joining Brendon in the Jury House. You should have seen Rachel's face. Thin lipped, flaring nostrils, furrowed brow. Homegirl was fuming! Shelly, Porsche, and Daniele giggled about it all day long and plan to keep bringing it up to Rachel in the hopes that it'll drive her insane. Awesome. Love it. Yes. Lala approved.

I'm going to fast forward a smidge to BBAD. Shelly grabs her 86th cup of coffee for the day and saunters over to Jordan soaking her feet in the hot tub. Straight Shooter Shelly shoots straight (for once) and tells Jordan flat out that there's no way she can win against her and Jeff in the final three. Jordan replies, "Wull (that's how she says "well"), you didn't have to..." and then she trails off. Shelly says, "Here's the thing, I can't beat you guys." She tells Jordan that if by some miracle she did win in the final three, she'd take Jordan for sure to the final two. Jordan replies, "Wull, Shelly, you do what's best for you." Way to inspire confidence Jordan, you useless idiot. Jordan asks if Daniele has gotten to Shelly at all. Shelly says no. She started thinking about all of this last night.

They head upstairs to continue the conversation in private. Shelly tells Jordan that Daniele is upset because Jeff & Jordan swore they wouldn't backdoor her. Jordan swears on her family that that isn't true. Somewhere in the back hills of North Carolina, Jordan's family dropped dead. Jordan rambles on in her idiot speak about what went down with Jeff's HOH decisions. It's basically lots of "ummm uhhh ummm wull Jayeff". Mind numbing. Completely mind numbing. Jordan goes all the way back to Cassi and, I'll be honest, I can't understand what the hell she's trying to say. Shelly tells Jordan she refuses to take Rachel to the final three and Jordan agrees with her. Jordan says J&J have no plans to bring her either. *ahem* Bullshit *ahem* I'm watching this as I'm typing and I can literally feel the IQ points leaving my body with every frustrated exhale. Out of respect for my precious brain, I'm going to end this here.

I'm not sure what Shelly is thinking at this point. I saw some tweets saying she's flipped back to J&J, but you never know with the Wizard. She's a crafty one who likes to say whatever she needs to in order to fish for information. She's got a couple of days to work on Adam so the big questions are: Will Shelly minfuck Adam within an inch of his life? Will Adam rat to Jeff & Jordan? Will Shelly end up voting for Kalia if she can't wrangle Adam? It'll be an interesting next couple of days which is a LOVELY change of pace. Thank god! I don't think I'm asking too much from Big Brother to insist on gameplay and drama. When I'm inspired, the words flow. When I'm bored to tears, I'm as backed up as Kalia on slop. I need my no-no tickled every once in a while. Doesn't everyone?

Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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