Idiots Need Not Apply

Good morning my lovelies! I'm in a good mood today... not sure why. Could it be because I'm going to treat myself to a kick ass new phone today? There's no one I love getting gifts for more than myself. ;) Knowing BB is coming to an end is a bittersweet feeling I need to come to terms with every year. On the one hand, I'm very glad to not have to sit here and watch my computer all the time. On the other hand, I'll have to find a whole new set of people to make fun of now. It takes a few days to adjust back into my normal routine which is why every year after BB I run for the hills. Literally, I get the hell out of Dodge and have some quality "me" time. The trip is all planned. I leave next Friday. Instead of looking forward to my little vacay, I'm actually fretting over when is the best time to post my Survivor Premiere recap over on the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Survivor is only once a week... how will I make sure all you bitches will keep coming back and not forget about me? Oh, but I won't think about that today. "I'll think about that tomorrow." (Tell me where that quote comes from and you're a winner!)


The house is super laid back now as you can imagine and the HG's literally slept all day. BB isn't really even bothering to wake them up anymore. When they do finally get up Kevin asks America to vote for him. Ragamuffin immediately bitches about how they won't be eligible for the "Juror's Prize". Kevin corrects her and tells her that everyone is eligible, but that it doesn't matter because Jeff will win anyways. Ragamuffin says, "You never know." Bitch you have no chance in hell at winning. My money is on Jeff or Jordan to win America's Favorite. Kevin says Jeff never even really played the game and that he should thank Jordan for winning the Coup D'Etat. Kevin thinks the pairing of Jeff and Jordan is what made Jeff so popular. He's not too far off the mark actually. Had Jeff been tight with, let's say, Lydia, America probably would not have voted for Jeff to get the Wizard Power.


Kevin says he's really conscious about everything he says now knowing that America has begun voting for their winner. Ragamuffin thinks people already know who they're voting for and that what happens now makes no difference. Kevin disagrees and cites Keesha as his example. He said how the last episode aired of Keesha was when she was betrayed. She got a good edit and America voted for her. I can't disagree with that. I found Keesha to be insufferable. I couldn't stand that screechy crazy bitch. I never could figure out how in the hell she won America's Favorite.


Kevin makes his way outside and he and Jordan begin talking about what they're supposed to do with their time now. Jordan asks BB if they can go on a field trip. Kevin says even a "ghetto field trip" would be fine. Jordan agrees and says a ride in a car would be sufficient (of course she didn't use the word "sufficient"). They both think a ride in a car around the CBS lot would be very cool.






Not long after, Ragamuffin comes outside. She animalistically chomps her cereal and kills all the fun. Jordan goes inside and Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to recap the game and the plays people made. They keep bringing up Chima and how Ragamuffin thinks she was done wrong. Kevin is saying that is was actually smart that Michele nominated Chima. He says that Michele got suspicious of them all because Jessie's girls were acting like someone died when he left. He says, "Michele was smart. She smelled blood and was like 'Bye Chima'" Ragamuffin gets quiet and refuses to comment.



They talk about how they couldn't believe Michele got the fact/fiction question wrong that said that Lydia and Jessie weren't talking in the jury house. Apparently, Michele thought that comp was geared towards Natalie to win since it was about Natalie's friends. Ragamuffin scoffs and says that's ridiculous. She wasn't friends with Casey and they asked about him. Kevin says, "You know how BB makes you suspicious of everything."




Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to play pool. They talk about their favorite comps and they agree that they both liked the Otev comp. Not long after Ragamuffin tells Kevin he'll be the biggest douchebag to America if he doesn't take her to Final 2. She tells him there's no way he'll win unless he takes her. Kevin doesn't comment and changes the subject to Russell. He says he always thought Russell and Natalie had a secret thing going on. He asks Ragamuffin about her conversations with him and Ragamuffin says she can't remember any conversations with him at all. Kevin is kind of quizzing Ragamuffin about things she's done in the house and it's a quiz she's not doing well at. Kevin says, "So you swear you had nothing with him?" Ragamuffin says, "I swear!" Kevin asks, "Then why did you cry when he left?" Ragamuffin says she started to feel bad about the things she did. Yeah right.

Kevin says he's dying to figure out all the secrets in the game and Ragamuffin says she's doubting everything about Kevin. She begins to give him a guilt trip about how she threw the HOH comp. He tells her he's done way much more for her than Jessie ever did. He brings up Pandora's Box and how Ragamuffin swore on everything she was telling the truth. Kevin thought it was weird that Julie didn't really ask her about it and how Ragamuffin brought up the proposal on her own. He's still suspicious about it all since they didn't bother to make it a huge part of the show on Thursday. He thought for sure Julie would ask specifically about the proposal and she didn't. Ragamuffin tells him Julie didn't even ask her about it in their private interview and she begins to whine again about how Kevin should give her his Japanese hoody. He still says no way.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty low key. At night they got a bunch of games like croquet, dominoes, crafty things, etc. Ragamuffin made them all dinner and Kevin was scared he'd get salmonella from it. Ragamuffin is on this new cooking kick where she wants to try to cook something new every night. Kevin tells her to cook fish tomorrow and then he says he'll make Hamburger Helper for himself. LOL

All 3 remaining HG's begin to discuss 9/11 and where they were when the planes hit. Jordan says that she was in school and someone came into her classroom to tell her teacher what happened (it's like that scene in Mermaids when Winona Ryder's teacher hears about when Kennedy was shot). The teacher told the class and Jordan put her head down on her desk and fell asleep. Yes, go back and reread that sentence. Jordan goes on to say that she didn't even know what the Twin Towers were and thought it wasn't a big deal at all. Kevin is mildly horrified. You can tell by the look on his face. Ragamuffin says she was in elementary school at the time. At least she got that lie correct.

8 years ago Jordan was 14 or 15, right? This is what bugs me. How could a 15 year old not grasp the severity of 9/11? Even little kids knew that something was amiss when that went down. Children are very peceptive when something isn't exactly right. I remember when Reagan was shot and being told to say a prayer for him. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew it was serious. As far as 9/11 goes, I remember I was at my parents house when it happened. I was actually watching Good Morning America and I saw the 2nd plane hit. When we heard there were more planes unaccounted for and that some might be headed to DC, my mom became very worried for my little brothers and sisters. Their high school was right next to the CIA and she wanted them to come home. ALL the schools in the area let out early and I remember looking out the window and seeing all the roads packed with cars. Everyone was coming home from work and school. The country completely stopped that day. Maybe one of my readers can tell me if it was different in a small town. My experience was that everything paused. Is that just because I'm near Washington DC?

Anyhow, Jordan asks Kevin what happened with the planes and Ragamuffin says there were bombs on the planes. Kevin says, "There weren't no bombs girl! They crashed into buildings!" Ragamuffin refuses to believe it and Kevin goes on to explain how the terrorists took over the cockpit. He tells the two idiots how before 9/11 the cockpit wasn't locked and airport security was completely different than what it is now. He says little kids used to be able to tour the cockpit and go see the pilots.

Jordan then says her boobs feel weird and she asks Kevin to touch them. Ragamuffin says, "Have you ever touched a boob before?" He says no and Jordan says they don't feel right and she wants to get them fixed. Jordan talks about how she loves to watch the food channel and I think to myself she just makes it way too easy. Bitch doesn't cook. Why in the hell is she watching Rachel Ray? Wait. Don't answer that. I know why she's watching. I just lost my head there for a second.

Well, I'm going to end this here because I've got a new phone to go buy and I'm too antsy to ramble anymore.

Oh CBS has posted the application for BB12. Please, if you're an idiot, do not apply! I can't take it anymore. I want some smart crafty players to entertain me next summer not Chrissy Snow from Three's Company. And whoever suggested I go out for BB12 in yesterdays comments, here's what I have to say about that: Hell no! Knowing that there are evil people like me out in the world making fun of the HG's each and every day is not my cup of tea. I'd totally hook up in the house and then I'd be labelled the House Slut and be forced to do Playboy after I got out or some shit like that. I'd have to tour the country judging wet t-shirt contests and, as fun as that sounds, it probably gets old real quick. As flattered as I am that you think I'd make a great HG (I totally agree btw), I think I'll stick to my high maintenance existence and continue to observe from the sidelines. The idea of 10 weeks without internet, TiVo, or my leprechaun is too horrific to imagine.

Quick hello to Cheryl. What the hell took you so long babe?

One more thing, they reset the votes over at the BBTop50 so I need your votes more than ever now. I was ahead by almost 300 votes. WTF! Bitches. Ok so click on the voting button up at the right hand corner of this page and then click "Enter This Site". Thanks everyone!

Gah! One more thing... that shitty site that's totally stealing from me just gave away a mug in some contest... are you fucking shitting me? Why can't they get any ideas of their own?

I Have Your Life In My Hands

You know how sometimes you're just so conflicted that you have no choice but to sit quietly and not make a single decision? That's where I'm at right now. I'm deep in the bowels of confusion. Do I smoke my opium or drink my bathtub gin? Do I wear the Manolos or settle in with a cozy cashmere pashmina? Do I tickle my leprechaun or beat him violently? Today Show or Good Morning America? Mac or PC? Blake or Leighton? Fringe or rhinestones? Treadmill or full body Swedish massage? Anna Karenina or porn? Vitamins or Percodan? Chasing the dream or chasing the dragon? Kevin or Jordan? Jordan or Natalie? What's a girl to do!

Maybe if I backtrack and reevaluate how I got myself into this predicament I can uncover some answers. Let's begin with the CBS show last night. Loved it! Fucking loved it. I was a little nervous about the past HG's being on that panel, but when they echoed exactly what I've been saying all season long I knew it was a good idea to have them on. Whenever anyone anywhere agrees with me, the world is at peace and fairies get their wings. Boogie, Janelle, Danielle, and Dick all want Kevin to win and they think the Ragamuffin has played a strong game. Janelle was totally lying by the way. Oh and why did she look like a stewardess last night? She's gorgeous, but I hated what she was wearing. I follow her on Twitter and she most definitely wants Jordan to win not Kevin. I think she only said Kevin last night because saying she wants to Jordan to win (for essentially zero game play) would have made her look like an ass.

How wretched did Dick look last night? He's always been a little rough around the edges, but he looked horrible last night. Deep dark circles, craggly crevices, unusually laid back demeanor... he had me confused as a matter of fact. Last night in the chats, I joked that he'd tapped the vein and was riding his own melt, but now I have a new theory. In the past Dick was always all over Janelle. I mean, he couldn't keep his hands off her during those Real Player interviews he did. It was during those interviews where I learned to like Janelle actually. I had never really cared for her in the past, but when I saw how she handled Dick with class and grace I learned to respect her. Anyhow, here's what I'm thinking: Dick was totally pawing on Janelle prior to the live show and, as a result, Janelle verbally and publicly rebuked him humiliating him in front of CBS VIP's. By the time their segment came around, Dick was defeated, rejected, and over it all. Similarly, Janelle was annoyed and uncomfortable. And that's why they were so weird last night. I totally pulled that out of my ass by the way, but it sounds good and it's filled with drama so I'm totally running with it and declaring it a fact.

Another thing I was totally right about was the Jury House. I knew it would be all love and light. I loved how the jurors cheered when Jeff came walking in and then immediately gave him a hug. It was the best of both worlds. And how genius is it that they all hate Natalie? That was a total game changer for me last night. I was truly a little bit shocked by Jessie's disdain for the Ragamuffin. Whatever Lydia has been doing (and you know she's been badmouthing Natalie the whole time) she deserves a fruit basket or something. Maybe I'll send her an Edible Bouquet when she gets out of the house. By the way, those Edible Bouquets are AWESOME. I think I've received 3 so far this year alone. I've also sent a couple to friends. If anyone ever wants to get on my good side, send me an Edible Bouquet with the pineapple pieces half dipped in chocolate and I'm yours. The way to my heart is through fruit... and illegal drugs smuggled from Thailand in the anus of a drunken Irish little person.

OK now let's get to what I'm sure all of you are waiting for: Part 2 of the HOH. Clutch your pearls in shock because I'm going to say it... Jordan kicked ass last night! I've got to hand it to Pork Rind Polly. She was focused, quick, and didn't crumble under the pressure. I have no choice but to completely respect that and give her praise. Ragamuffin, on the other hand, choked choked choked! She couldn't even remember the order of the HOH's let alone get the damn ball in the hole. As soon as Jordan killed it last night I knew what we were all in for... a bitchy, moany, whiney, complaining, excuse-ridden Ragamuffin. If you thought the normal Ragamuffin was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. A scorned Ragamuffin is much worse and far more annoying.

Thankfully, the feeds came back almost immediately after the show ended. While I feared the Ragamuffin's wrath, I also couldn't wait to delight in her misery. Immediately, she started saying that she could have won in 2 seconds and that somehow BB was at fault. When her balls went into the wrong holes she didn't adjust and account for her mistakes (or so she says) and that's what screwed her up. Yeah ok sure. She didn't know the order, she sucked at putting the balls in, and she panicked... that's why she lost and she has no one to blame but herself. Kevin tried to be the peacemaker and asked the girls what the competition was like. Ragamuffin refuses to answer him, but Jordan obliged and told him everything. Kevin asked if the balls were basketballs. Jordan said, "No, volleyballs. Same thing." LOL Since when are vollyballs and basketballs the same thing?

Kevin walks out of the room in search of water and an old fashioned hand fan I'm sure. Jordan tries to make Natalie feel better by telling her that she had one ball wrong too. Ragamuffin snarls and scratches her hind legs. She keeps pouting and Jordan tells her that she's sure her crack showed on live tv during the comp. Kevin eventually wanders back into the room and Ragamuffin let's out a huge sigh. She says, "Now I'm in the position Michele was in... loser." Kevin scoffs and kind of ignores her and Ragamuffin keeps maniacally shuffling her deck of cards. You can tell Kevin is so over it at this point. I'm sure his inner monologue was, "If this bitch keeps this shit up for the next 5 days, I'm gonna cut her."

Jordan gets called to the DR and as soon as she's out of the room, Ragamuffin says, "Jordan killed me. It wasn't even close. It wasn't even close in any way." She immediately starts in on Kevin. She says, "I hope if you win you stick with the plan and take me." Kevin says, "Well this isn't going according to plan." Ragamuffin begins to bitch about how she regrets throwing Part 1, how she totally could have won, how it was her competition to win, blah blah blah. For the record, Kevin would have kicked her ass in that competition regardless. Ragamuffin says what will become her favorite phrase of the night, "My whole life depends on you right now. I don't think Jordan would take me." She then says to Kevin, "I know you have a Final 2 with Jordan." Kevin, not missing a beat, replies, "I know you have one too." Kevin says they should just enjoy the fact that they've both made it to the very end in the house and make the most over the next few days. He says the other option is to be miserable and have diarrhea. Ragmuffin says, "I know, but it all depends on whether or not I can trust you." So basically she just said that if Kevin takes her she'll be happy, but if he doesn't she'll be miserable and will make him miserable too.

Ragamuffin, fighting the urge to scratch her fleas, keeps saying, "If I would have won... If I would have won..." And here is where we discover her real concern. She's nervous now that if she does make it to the Final 2, she's only won one competition and that was due to a tiebreaker. She's incredibly worried that she doesn't even have a case to present to the jury for being deserving of the prize. She says, "What the hell am I going to say to them? I don't even have a case to plead now." She says how she has her speech to whomever wins HOH all planned and Kevin tells her Julie will probably just ask for a quick statement and not even give her time to give a speech. Ha! Even Kevin is getting tired of her rehearsing her speeches all the time. Ragamuffin says, "Well Kevin, my life is in your hands now."

The misery is far from over. Ragamuffin says she has no back up plan now. Kevin tells her her back up plan is Jordan. He says, "You've been working her constantly." Ragamuffin vehemently denies it and Kevin says Ragamuffin has bonded with Jordan and that's what matters most to Jordan. Ragamuffin says, "Well she helped me put a tampon in, but that's not bonding." Kevin says he never talks to Jordan so he hasn't bonded with her at all.

Ragamuffin begins to go over the votes in the Jury House and she doesn't think she can beat Jordan anymore. She says Jordan will definitely have 3 votes: Jeff, Michele, Lydia. She says it'll all come down to America. If that happens I think we know Jordan will win hands down. My biggest fear is that Jordan wins HOH and takes Natalie with her to the Final 2. This is my nightmare. I honestly don't know how the jurors will vote because, depsite the fact that they've said they don't like Natalie, I don't think they even considered the possibility of Jordan going to Final 2. In my heart of hearts, I just don't see Jessie or Russ voting for Jordan to win. Ragamuffin indeed might be right about a tie which means Jordan would win and I just can't live with that.

Ragamuffin continues to fret and she's just about shredded her stupid twist tie ring. She tells Kevin if Jordan evicts her, Kevin will get her vote. If Kevin evicts her, Jordan will get her vote. It's a threat basically. Kevin says he doesn't want to talk strategy anymore because he knows America has begun voting. Personally, I think he just wanted to get away from the Ragamuffin and get her to shut up.

Jordan comes out of the DR and Kevin gets called in. What do you think happens? Yup. Ragamuffin. almost instantaneously, throws Kevin under the bus. She tells Jordan that Kevin said Jordan would be stupid if she didn't take Natalie to the end. Very sneaky you stupid cunt. Ragamuffin then explains to Jordan what Part 3 will be. She describes a "Who said what?" game and tells Jordan it's completely up in the air as to who will win it. Then Ragamuffin utters the phrase that pays, "I hope you win Jordan... My life is your hands. My life is truly in your hands." Oh stuff a sock in it Natalie. Ragamuffin tells Jordan that now Kevin has 5 days to convince Jordan to take him to the end. Jordan swears that she won't let Kevin change her mind and I suddenly remembered something that makes my ass twitch. When Jeff left he told Jordan to stick with Michele and trust her. He also said if Michele leaves, to stick with Natalie and trust her. His idiocy still lingers. Is Jordan going to follow his advice or make her own decisions? You and I know it serves Jordan to take Natalie to the end, but shhhhh I don't want her knowing that. I want Kevin to win this game dammit and I can't have Jordan fucking it all up.

Ragamuffin then warns Jordan that the DR will try to convince her to take Kevin to the end. Then we get fish. She's right you know and I'd be a hypocrite if I said, "who cares?" I didn't like BB meddling before so I don't think they should meddle now. *takes a hit of opium* The feeds come back and Ragamuffin is telling Jordan how Kevin never told either of them who he was keeping this week. She says, "That's what he does. He plays everyone." Jordan, made entirely of cotton candy at this point, says she thought they were going to get to go on a trip because they all packed their bags. She was excited to go somewhere. Yeah... ummm this bitch cannot win. I fear for Mr. O'Shaugnessy's life if Jordan wins Big Brother. She's SO stupid and I just... I can't... I cannot sit here and say it's ok for the trailer park idiot to win the whole kit and kaboodle. Stupidity of that caliber should never be rewarded.

Jordan asks Natalie if Kevin said she was taking her to the end. Natalie says no. Whew! She could have lied there and made Kevin out to be the bad guy, but I don't think it crossed her mind in time. Ragamuffin advises Jordan not to say anything to Kevin and to just ride it out. Jordan tells her that Kevin keeps asking her questions and it makes her think that Natalie and Kevin are talking about what Jordan says. Ragamuffin shrugs it off and says that Kevin does the same thing to her too. Jordan then tells Ragamuffin everything Kevin ever said about taking her to the Final 2. *removes hot poker from the fire place and jabs it right between the eyes*

Here's where my panic sets in. Pasta Primavera Patty is telling Ragamuffin that she has no intention of taking Kevin to the Final 2. I began to weep and I sent Mr. O'Shaugnessy out back to fetch me some thorns and start building my cross. Yes, my dear readers, I'm ready to sacrifice myself at the injustice of Jordan winning this game.

Kevin comes out of the DR and Natalie gets called in. Jordan tells Kevin she doesn't entirely trust him *crying while stirring my bathtub gin with a large wooden oar* She says she's scared that Natalie has so many friends in the jury house. *catches a tear before it falls and looks up like a dog hearing the word "treat"* Jordan then begins to compare everything she's won to everything Kevin has won. They're very close so voting on that point will be 50/50. She compares how many guaranteed votes each one of them has. Jordan has Jeff and Kevin has Lydia. Again, they're equal. Neither of them think they have Jessie's or Russell's vote so that makes them 50/50 too. Jordan concludes saying that'll it'll all be 50/50 and most likely come down to America's vote (she's wrong, but shhh she doesn't know that). Kevin tells her that Natalie would probably get America's vote because she's young and she got engaged and America loves that shit (wrong). Jordan confides that Natalie makes her nervous.

Kevin tells Jordan that he's had his mind made up ever since Pandora's Box. In his mind, Pandora's Box changed everything. When Ragamuffin made up that lie about the reverse Final 2 Kevin knew he couldn't trust her and the fact that she chose to see her boyfriend instead of play in the veto showed him that she really didn't care if he went home. He tells Jordan that it was then that he decided he wanted to take Jordan to the end with him. Kevin tells Jordan that he's not going to torture Ragamuffin this week. He'll simply leave her alone. He reassures her that he's been thinking about taking her to Final 2 for a while now. Jordan tells Kevin that ever since Jeff left she's been thinking about teaming up with him too. *calls to Mr. O'Shaugnessy to drop the thorns and bring me a mimosa* Kevin tells Jordan that he knows Ragamuffin is lying to him by saying she would have taken him to the end. He's not stupid and he knows she's just freaking out right now.

Here's my dilemma: Can Kevin really win against Jordan? Jordan could easily get votes from Jeff, Michele, and the the spiteful Natalie. Jordan will 100% win America's vote. Before I start to injure myself or my leprechaun anymore, let me review what I'd like to see happen. If Jordan wins HOH, I want her to take Kevin. That way Kevin will still get Natalie's vote. That's his best bet at this point. If Kevin wins HOH, I kind of want him to take Natalie only because it's a definite win for him. If Jordan wins and takes Natalie, I'll kill myself and my leprechaun. Having said all that, I still don't know who to root for for Part 3. I hate it when I can't put my voodoo curses on someone to lose. I kind of want Jordan win so Kevin will still get Natalie's vote and I kind of want Kevin to win just so I know he's 100% going to the Final 2. I hate being so conflicted!

I need to tear myself away from my personal turmoil and focus on, what will no doubt become added inner turmoil, the Bitchy franchise. If you're not already, you guys need to be checking the Bitchy Survivor Blog daily. More is going up there everyday and I've updated all the past posts with videos. In addition, the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog will be growing exponentially over the weekend. The cast was announced and I'll be posting my bitchy first impressions and videos over the next few days. A Meet The Cast intro/video was already posted yesterday. Note to the baby makers: You all need to be following Amazing Race too. I must insist on this. :)

For instantaneous updates, follow me on Twitter! As soon as I post, I tweet. @ColetteLala

Don't forget to keep voting for your favorite Big Bitchy Contest Finalist. The stories can be found here and the voting is in the poll at the top of the page. I'm pretty impressed with the voting so far. One admission has already gotten Ronnie's support (I totally think it was the light saber remark that did it) and another is avidly promoting on message boards. That's what I like to see! Everyone whoring themselves and lots of shameless plugs for my blog. Margaritas for everyone!

Big Bitchy Contest Finalists!

(Today's recap is in the post before this one)

After hours of reading and scoring, I finally have the contest finalists. This was not an easy feat at all. I didn't want to use any favoritism (no matter how much some of you sucked up ;)) so I did not come to this decision alone. Many thanks to PrettyPlainJo for all of her help and contributions.

Here's how the contest was judged. We gave each and every answer a positive or negative numerical score and added up the totals at the end. The people with the highest scores are the finalists. We indeed had a tie so I'm pleased to announce 5 finalists.

Thanks to all who entered!

The finalists are (in alphabetical order):

dragonmw40

JoCaPa

kdb112

KevinFTW

misty

It's up to all of you to pick the winner. You have one week to vote for your favorite. Finalists should employ any means necessary to get votes - send out tweets, campaign on message boards, direct all your friends to this site, etc. (I'm such a whore) I don't care how you hustle your votes just as long as you hustle.

Voting will remain open until Tuesday, September 15th at 7:00 PM EST

If you were not chosen as a finalist (or just love all things Mr. O'Shaugnessy) and would like an AUTHENTIC Mr. O'Shaugnessy Mug of your own, please click on the Bitchy Big Brother Store link on the upper right hand side of the blog and order yourself a mug!

Pick your favorite story!

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#1 THE REUNION PARTY by dragonmw40

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of MICHELE'S TEARS and trays of JARDINAIRE STUFFED SAUSAGES ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a VIBRATOR WITH JEFF'S HEAD DRAWN ON THE TIP with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of A 'NO ENTRY' SIGN WITH LOL BENEATH IT. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said "THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE MASSENGILL SPOKESPERSON". They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil MYOPIC EYES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s CURLY LITTLE TAIL and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy SCRATCHING Jeff’s RECTUM. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, "THE GUCCIE FOOD" and Jeff replied "ALL THE MASSAGES I GOT GOT".

Michele was decked out in a VINTAGE NORMA DESMOND dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a ICE CUBE up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt BI-POLAR.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing BANANARAMA and comparing their PICK UP LINES.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her BOTOXED NIPPLES and he shook his GNARLY NUTSACK. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his JULIE CHEN AUTOGRAPHED POCKET PROTECTOR kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best LIFE JACKET. It was PINK/YELLOW PLAID and smattered with TINY LITTLE BANNERS THAT READ, "CUM FLOAT WITH ME". His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the ENEMA KITS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the HYPOCRITICAL voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting YOU'RE ALL RACIST TERRORIST, MISOGYNIST, SELF-ABSORBED, SPOILED SHALLOW MOTHA-FUCKERS. DEUCES!!! (GLENDA THE GOOD WITCH LAUGH MIXED WITH CRIES OF LONELINESS), you motherfuckers!

The End

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#2 THE REUNION PARTY by JoCaPa

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of MALT LIQUOR and trays of SLOP SHAPED LIKE ANIMALS AND CRACKERS ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a BABY (POSSIBLY JULIE'S) with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of JESSIE POSING NAKED. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said I'M WITH HER (WITH A FINGER POINTING TO HIS LEFT). They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil SPATS OF FIRE in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s WIND UP DIAL STICKING OUT OF HER BACK and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy LICKING Jeff’s PENIS DIPPED IN COOKIE DOUGH AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, "THEY HAD THE BEST NECTARINES. OR WERE THEY PEACHES?" and Jeff replied "I REALLY THOUGHT I HAD THEM AT TECHNOTRONICS".

Michele was decked out in a dress THAT HAD A PICTURE OF MICHELE GIVING LALA THE DEATH STARE AND THE FINGER WITH A BUBBLE SAYING "F U LALA". ON THE BACK A PICTURE OF MR. O'SHAUGNESSY BEING TORTURED BY MICHELE AND HER RATS and kept whispering for her husband to shove PICTURES OF HOUSEGUESTS IN THE SHOWER up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt GIDDY.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing VANILLA ICE and comparing their MANHOOD.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her TEETH and he shook his SUNKISSED TRESSES. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his OVER CONFIDENCE kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best HOODY. It was BARNEY PURPLE and smattered with JULIO IGLESIAS' AUTOGRAPH. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the SEX TOYS AND PARAPHERNALIA he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the CACKLING voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting I CHOSE TO LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. I WAS NOT EXPELLED!, you motherfuckers!

The End

**********

#3 THE REUNION PARTY by kdb112

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of CHIMA REPELLENT and trays of CHAOSEROLLE ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a LIFE SIZE CARDBOARD CUT OUT OF JEFF with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of CAPTAIN UNITARD. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said "I HAVE A HUGE HEAD... SORRY LADIES NOT THAT ONE." They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil SANDWICHES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s FOAMING MOUTH and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy TEASING Jeff’s COCK. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, "THEM PEACH-FLAVORED NECTARINES Y'ALL!" and Jeff replied "DEFINITELY NOT WHEN I GOT GOT BRO" FOLLOWED BY HIS NEANDERTHAL LAUGH.

Michele was decked out in a WATERPROOF PLEATHER DOMINATRIX dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a CHIA OBAMA up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt CONFUSED AS USUAL.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing CASEY'S REMIX OF ELTON JOHN'S ROCKET MAN CALLED BANANA MAN and comparing their STORIES OF ALL THE TIMES THEY GOT BEAT UP AS KIDS.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her LOW IQ and he shook his DANDRUFF. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his WHITENESS kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best ITALIAN SILK SCARF. It was MAGENTA and smattered with SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the MOLE REMOVAL SURGERIES FOR ENRIQUE IGLESIAS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the MIGRAINE INDUCING voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting ALLISON GRODNER IS A MISOGYNIST, you motherfuckers!

The End

**********

#4 THE REUNION PARTY by KevinFTW

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of GATORADE, MERLOT, AND MUSCLE MILK and trays of COOKIE DOUGH AND OVEN DRIED SQUID JERKY (JESSIE'S OWN RECIPE) ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a 'MICHAEL' REAL DOLL DRESSED IN NOTHING BUT BOXER BRIEFS (THERE IS SOMETHING FAMILIAR ABOUT HIM...) with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of HER CAPTAIN UNITARD GOGGLES. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said WWJD (WHAT WOULD JESSIE DO). They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil TWIST TIES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s DREADLOCKS and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy GIVING RASPBERRIES TO Jeff’s ARMPIT. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, DO MY BOOBS LOOK FUNNY? THEY FEEL KINDA WEIRD and Jeff replied JORDAN SHUT UP.

Michele was decked out in a POLY/ACRYLIC/SPANDEX BLEND dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a BOTTLE OF WINE up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt FACE CHEWING ECSTASY.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing THE NEW COLLABORATION BETWEEN LIL WAYNE AND CLAY AIKEN and comparing their BANANAS.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her GLISTENING MANE and he shook his HEAD SHOTS. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his LIGHT SABER kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best ZIPPERED HOODY. It was ALL THE COLORS OF THE NEON RAINBOW and smattered with FABULICIOUSNESS. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the GAY LEPRECHAUNS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the BOWEL LIQUEFYING voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting EVERYONE IN THERE IS A RACIST MISOGYNIST BESIDES ME, you motherfuckers!

The End

**********

#5 THE REUNION PARTY by misty

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of HATERADE and trays of TUNA ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a A GLOSSY 8X10 OF JEFF with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of JESSIE'S JOHNSON. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said I KNOW... I THOUGHT I WAS GAY, TOO. They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil SPERM SAMPLES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s RATTY HEAD and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy PICKING Jeff’s NOSE. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, I LOST (BUT THE FOOD WAS GREAT Y'ALL) and Jeff replied IT HURTS (FUCK YEAH JORDOUGH).

Michele was decked out in a STRAIGHT JACKET dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a AG'S GLOSSY 8X10 OF JEFF up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt COOCOO FOR COCOA PUFFS.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing VANILLA ICE and comparing their NUMBER OF FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her WEIRD LOOKING FAKE BOOBS and he shook THE HAMSTERS HE BROUGHT ALONG IN HIS POCKET. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his RAT TAIL kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best SCARF. It was RAINBOW and smattered with THE KEYS OF HIS FALLEN VICTIMS. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the JAPANESE HOODIES he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the HYENA-LIKE voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting I QUIT (AND THEN SHE LAUGHED AT HER OWN JOKE), you motherfuckers!

The End

Cuddling Is Not Strategy

A new day. A new petition. A new conspiracy theory. A new project for bored housewives everywhere. The new bruhaha now is over whether or not Kevin and Ragamuffin cheated in the HOH competition. I have 5 words in response to this: Give me a fucking break.

Allow me to elaborate...

A) The idea that BB is somehow manipulating the game for Kevin or Ragamuffin to win is ludicrous. We've seen all along how BB has been suggesting, coercing, violently nudging HG's this season to keep Jeff, Jordan, or Michele in the game whenever possible. Whoever came up with the theory that BB favors Ragamuffin needs to borrow my hot poker. I want you to warm it up nice and toasty in your fireplace. Make sure the iron end is glowing bright red. When you've achieved that, stand up straight and violently stab the hot poker directly into your cornea. Remove the hot poker and then ferociously jab it directly into your navel. Remove it again and then forcefully jam it into your ear. After that, you're done and your debt to society has been paid.

B) Apparently Ragamuffin was gripping the rope and not the key itself. I've seen the photos. I think it's nitpicking. If it was Jeff in that same position, no one would have said a word. If anything, Ragamuffin was at a disadvantage being so much shorter than everyone else. Her key was not as low to her as it was to the others. And who the fuck cares anyways? Ragamuffin lost you fuckwits.

C) Kevin was looking sideways. Yes, this is actually a complaint. Kevin can look wherever the fuck he wants to look. He chose to concentrate on a focal point. Jordan and Ragamuffin were free to do the exact same thing. The only stipulation was that their backs could not face the pool. We even heard the 3 HG's discussing this fact early in the game.

In conclusion, Jeff is gone... GET OVER IT! I mean, let's get real... that's what all of this is really about. Jeff is out of the game and the bored menopausal housewives now need a new reason to maintain interest in BB11.

Moving on... so we didn't get Part 2 of the HOH yesterday. Part 2 will be happening on tonight's show. Rumor has it that all 3 HG's will be able to stay in the house until the finale. If this is true, is it possible the change was made to shut the Jordan fans up once and for all? Is this being done to give the DR enough time to convince the final HOH to take Jordan to the Final 2? Will the question/answer portion be live as opposed to taped? I don't know what the hell is going on. AG herself won't comment on the last minute changes. All she'll say is "Tune in Thursday."

Speaking of Part 2, the HG's received a contraption to practice on. Huh? Part 2 is supposed to be a mental challenge. Why is BB making it a game of chance all of a sudden? Ragamuffin was pissed off about it and now thinks that BB doesn't want her to win (do you hear that you "BB is favoring Natalie" conspiracy fuckers?) The object of the game is to get the balls in the holes without touching the sides. That's stupid. Part 2 should be difficult and test the HG's skill (whether it be physical or mental). Shooting a ball into a hole is a week 1 challenge. It's not worthy of holding the weight and significance of a Final HOH challenge. The Final HOH should test the HG's determination and attention to detail. Practicing on a cheesy ramp thing for one night is hardly worthy of, what could possibly be, a $500,000 challenge. Perhaps the HG's have to answer questions first and then get to shoot the ball as many times as questions they've correctly answered. I'm not sure, but I'm really turned off at Part 2 being partly based on luck. At this stage of the game, the luck challenges should be long gone.

Earlier in the day Kevin and Ragamuffin were wondering what Part 2 could be (this was before the lame ass ramp/ball game arrived). Ragamuffin wondered if it was a puzzle since there hasn't been a puzzle challenge yet. She's absolutely right. Usually, there is a challenging brain teasing type of competition designed to test the HG's memory as well as intellectual prowess. OK here's where I'm going to offer my own fucking theory. We all know Jordan isn't good at puzzles. She said so herself. Was Part 2 originally a puzzle but changed at the last minute so Jordan now has a chance to win? If Part 2 isn't something intellectual I'll be annoyed. Not annoyed enough to write CBS, but I'll be annoyed nonetheless. BB can do whatever they want as far as the challenges go. There are no hard and fast rules set in stone and they have the right to make changes to the format. I'm a rational educated human being and I can accept this fact. While it will bother me if they're favoring Jordan, I'm not going to start some ridiculous petition, fill up CBS's voicemail, or cancel my feeds in outrage. I still love this show and am a die hard fan to the end.

I love this show so much that I was ecstatic to hear that CBS has just ordered another season of Big Brother. BB12 has been green lit and we'll be able to waste another summer glued to our computer screens. This is great news and very exciting. I'm a slave to this show. I openly admit it. 12-14 new HG's next summer to make fun of... Mr. O'Shaugnessy, my opium please!

Nothing much went on in the house yesterday. Lots of reminiscing and eating. Ragamuffin kept bugging Kevin for his Japanese hoody. She says she deserves it because she jumped off the log. She claims that she could have beat Kevin, but since she threw it he should give her his hoody. Kevin refused saying there's no way in hell she's getting it. Ragamuffin then wants to argue over who made the best moves in the game. She's insists she the mastermind behind everything and that she's the better player. She's desperate for him to agree with her and I begin to wonder how Ragamuffin got such a narcissistically needy personality. I'm thinking it has something to do with her being an overachieving child athlete. She probably grew up winning everything and constantly receiving praise. Now that she's older her childhood achievements no longer hold any significance, but her need for praise and her entitled attitude still linger. The fact the game is coming to an end coupled with the paranoia of an uncertain Final 2 is making her unbearable.

Ragamuffin thinks that neither she nor Kevin can win against Jordan in the Final 2. How upsetting is that by the way? I'd rather Michele win than Jordan and, coming from me, you all know that's a very strong statement. Jordan has done NOTHING in this game. She asked to be carried to the end. Someone handed her her only HOH. She's a fucking joke and the idea of her walking away with a half a million dollars for a summer of eating and tanning makes me furious. Yes, she's cute and likable. I get that, but that is by no means a reason to win $500,000. I simply cannot reconcile the trailer park idiot winning by cuddling her way to the end.

I loathe the Ragamuffin like many of you all do, BUT she's played a pretty decent game. Don't throw the "but she hasn't won anything" argument at me. Will didn't win either. Ragamuffin won when she needed to. She was creative, manipulating, and utterly deceitful. She's also annoying, incessant, slightly dirty, and completely void of emotion BUT... BUT she played the game. Getting Russell out was the biggest move of the season and Kevin and Ragamuffin are responsible for it. No one can deny that pulling off that move significantly altered the game. While it's very easy to hate Natalie and wish scabies upon her, she's more worthy of winning than Jordan ever will be. If this were a popularity pretty princess contest then, by all means, Jordan should win.

Jordan and Kevin also have a talk about Final 2 and once again Kevin has his hands safely protected inside his shirt (I think he thinks Jordan will eat them or something.). Jordan tells Kevin that she doesn't think she can win against him. She thinks Lydia will vote however Jessie votes. I actually disagree with that. Lydia may like Jessie, but when has she ever done what he's told her to do gamewise (making food and doing laundry don't count as game play)? As we saw in that footage of the Jury House last week, Lydia and Jessie will be voting differently and, most assuredly, individually. Jordan goes on to tell Kevin that she's nervous and has diarrhea. Umm ewww. Jordan thinks that Natalie doesn't need the money. Kevin says that if he or Jordan should win, it would change their lives dramatically. I've said this all along and I'll say it again.... I don't care who needs the money. BB is not a charity. It's a game.

Ragamuffin joins them and the three begin to talk about the best and worst plays in the game. Not surprisingly Jordan is absolutely shocked by some of the things she's hearing. Ragamuffin tells her why Jessie didn't care for Jeff in the beginning. Jessie approached Jeff wanting to talk game and get his opinion on the other HG's. Jeff blew him off saying it was too early to talk game. That coupled with the fact that Jeff threw the first HOH completely turned Jessie off. All of this is 100% true by the way. We all saw it ourselves on the CBS show. Jeff didn't start playing until he won the Coup D'Etat. He wanted to hang out and have fun for the first few weeks.

Kevin chimes in and says that he never understood why everyone didn't try to align with the Athletes. They had the numbers and they had a lot of power in the beginning. He thought it was just common sense to align with people of power. Jordan says, "Really?" Kevin says that is where Laura and Casey fucked up. They went against the powers that be and that was their ticket home. Hate to say it, but it's true. I said the day Laura yelled at Jessie that she was history the next week. Kevin and Jordan tell Natalie how Jessie and Casey had an agreement and when Casey went against Jessie he went home. Ragamuffin refuses to believe it. She didn't know about their early alliance so of course, in her mind, it never existed. Kevin asks Ragamuffin, "Why do you think Casey thought he was so safe? He had a deal with Jessie." Ragamuffin snarls and shakes her fur.

Ragamuffin changes the subject to all things post show. She thinks her phone will be ringing off the hook when she gets out of the house. Kevin disagrees with her. He tells her how Jessie said himself that when he got out he went right back to living his daily life. Ragamuffin bares her fangs and said she meant that her family and friends will be calling her all the time. Kevin and Jordan say that they just don't think people will really care all that much. Ragamuffin bites both of their jugulars and they die. She spends the rest of the night wallowing in their blood and tellling herself she's the greatest Big Brother player of all time.

It'll be interesting to see what happens on tonight's show. Danielle (BB3), Janelle, Boogie, and Evel Dick will be on the show as well. I wonder why. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to see the jury house after Jeff arrived. I think they all hugged it out and had a circle jerk. Michele arriving will just be awkward. Wherever Michele goes, awkward follows.

Contest Finalists will be announced a little later. Be sure to check back this afternoon to see if you're a finalist!

Ding Dong The Bitch Is Gone

Do you hear that? It's very faint, but it's there. It's beautiful. It's majestic. It's the sound of a Michele free BB house! The clouds have parted, a rainbow has shot across across the sky, Mr. O'Shaugnessy and his friends are busy putting out pots of gold, and the choir of angels are singing "Smooth Criminal". They're really into it this time. They're totally grabbing their crotches and shouting, "Shamon!". Awwww... Mr. O'Shaugnessy is doing the moonwalk! It's precious. He had a very busy night last night and he's all about celebrating today. My little man has a Twitter account now and the little bastard got over 20 followers faster than I ever did. While I'm not exactly thrilled he's tweeting Martha Stewart, it's nice to know he's so well liked. If you'd like to hear the innermost thoughts of an angry horny leprechaun you can follow him at @Mr_OShaugnessy (http://twitter.com/Mr_OShaugnessy).

OK so let's talk about that live show last night. Michele sucks. The end. Seriously though, she's so bloody awkward and those stupid devil horns were just moronic. She's not charismatic enough to pull off humor during a broadcast. While I know I said I wouldn't mind if she stayed simply to give me something to write about, I'm thrilled the bitch is gone. How funny was it when the Ragamuffin said Michele played a dirty game? AHAHAHA!!! My hypocradar was beeping loud and clear, but it was still funny as hell. The Ragamuffin has no shame and while I'm not surprised she insulted Michele in her goodbye message; I thought it was a bad move on her part. Kevin's goodbye message was good. He complimented Michele by saying how strong she was, but he was also honest when he said he didn't know whether or not he could trust her. It was classy, funny, and smart. If I were giving a goodbye speech to a juror, I'd do exactly what Kevin did not what Natalie did.

I actually liked that POV comp. How funny is the idiot music they always play for Jordan now? She truly is a moron. I don't want anyone anywhere ever telling me she's smart. I'll throw a rotten tomato in your face and kick you in your shins if you say that shit to me. Chili Cheese Fries Chelsea has already used up all of her brain power for the summer. She's got none left and what we're left with is a doughy sticky chocolatey blonde shell of a woman. Someone in the chats yesterday mentioned that she'll procreate eventually. I pray she marries a genius and those children are sent away to proper boarding schools. Those kids will need intensive expensive private tutoring - something offered by rigid Swiss nuns with a ruler or a switch in their hands.

Moving on... I'll be honest I didn't expect the HOH to go on very long at all, but those bitches surprised me and ended up going for almost 5 hours. The concept was simple: Stay on the log and don't let go of your key. Everyone was happy and smiley when it started and once again the Ragamuffin ran her mouth. The bitch would not shut up as she yammered on and on about the most inane things. She tells Kevin how Julie asked her about loyalty in her interview and you could tell Kevin just wanted her to shut up so he could focus and concentrate. Then Ragamuffin brings up how this endurance is much better than the Graduation Day one. She talks about how everyone was vomitting during the last comp and, I'll be honest, I had to mute her for a little bit.

Occasionally, leaves would start blowing and rain would start falling. I thought they'd slip on that log for sure, but they were all troopers and they kept on going. Jordan suggested they all sing 1000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall. Oh shut the fuck up Jordan! You've only been in the house for ohhhh I don't know... 9 weeks now and you're still not aware of the 'No Singing' rule? Fucking idiot. So yeah the feeds went down and BB had to yell at her. When the feeds came back Fried Rice Fanny announced she was hungry and began to talk about pizza.

Ragamuffin kept on running her mouth only this time she was talking about Jeff. She told Jordan how happy Michele must be now that she's going to have him all to herself. AHAHAHA!!! I'm sorry, but that's hysterical. It's funny because, in a way, she's 100% right, but, at the same time, she's fucking evil. Jordan kind of scoffs at her and Ragamuffin continues, "Michele was so jealous of you Jordan." Jordan calls her a little instigator and laughs. Ragamuffin says Michele will probably try to kiss Jeff now and I just sat back and laughed and laughed. Ragamuffin is on a roll at this point and she begins to talk about how Michele is lucky Julie didn't ask Ragamuffin to make a speech about the new nominee. Ragamuffin says she probably would have gone off on her, but she's not sure. Michele was kind of decent to her last night so maybe Ragamuffin wouldn't have humiliated her after all.



All of a sudden the log comes to a complete stop and they all almost fall. Up until this point it had been constantly moving. Kevin jokes, "Please tell me the bitch broke." LOL

The log wasn't broken at all. This time it started moving backwards. All the HG's were soaking wet at this point and their pants were all sagging - especially Jordan's. All of the chat hags began screaming for Jordan to pull her pants up... like she can hear them. Then a cheerleader faction emerged and they kept typing "Go Jordan!" over and over again. Typically, I find cheerleaders entertaining (come on, you know you love the ESPN competitions too), but a bunch of menopausal women popping correctol and estrogen cheering Jordan on to a win is just annoying.






Ragamuffin started flapping her gums again saying, "This is a Russell competition right here... and Jeff. This is a Russell and Jeff." Jordan chimes in and says that if Russell and Jeff were there she'd just quit. Well, that's annoying isn't it? It kind of turned me off of Jordan even more. Up until now I'd been impressed with her determination in this HOH comp, but it bugs me to no end how she says if anyone strong was around, she wouldn't even bother trying.




After that Natalie began sneezing constantly. It must have been contagious because Kevin started sneezing shortly thereafter.

Ragamuffin's hands began to bother her and she kept shaking them out trying to get the blood circulating.




Then the fun really began. Sleet and snow began blowing right into their faces! Ragmuffin says, "This is easier than Graduation Day!" and Mr. O'Shaugnessy punched himself in the face. He REALLY can't stand her and last night she was particularly annoying.






After the sleet and snow, the lightening kicked in. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get that screenshot? How beautiful is that? It was timed perfectly. The lightening was super bright and the HG's had to close their eyes. I would love to be the person running the effects button during this comp. I'd be blinding them constanly, blowing snow and hail in their faces, and making the log go super fast just to see what happened. Someone may die, but who cares? It's all in good fun.





Someone must have been reading my mind because the log started to spin faster. It would go forward, stop quick, go back, stop quick... forward, back, forward, back, stop, go, back, forward. It was really cool actually to watch their feet. Ragamuffin was literally hopping and skipping every time the log would go backwards fast. I totally thought BB wanted someone to fall before BBAD started, but no dice. Those bitches kept hanging on.




Ragmuffin tried to psych everyone out by telling them they might as well fall because she'll be up there all night. Kevin told her he'll be there until the sun came up. He even had a protein bar in his pocket. He ate half and said he'll save the other half for breakfast. They remained on the logs without incident for another 90 minutes. Then it happened... the log started without warning...












Jordan became the first casualty. The fall didn't hurt her at all and Ragamuffin advised her to get some towels. Thanks Einstein. Ragamuffin tried really hard not to burst into a huge smile and Kevin says, "It's down to you and me now wench!" Jordan headed inside and Kevin says, "There better not be pizza up in that bitch."







Jordan goes inside and Ragamuffin and Kevin begin to talk. Ragamuffin says she'll wait 5 more minutes if Kevin swears on his life he'll take her to Final 2. He tells her if he wanted to get rid of her he would have kept Michele. Ragamuffin says, "Alright. 5 minutes." Then she says tomorrow is a crap shoot and Jordan could win it. Kevin says, "Bitch can't win anything!" Again, Kevin swears on everything including his man. Ragamuffin says she'll wait 15 minutes. Kevin tells her to make it 10 because his testicles have shrivelled up into his abdomen. Ragamuffin keeps whining, "If you burn me dude.... this is mine to win... who knows what tomorrow will be... I trust you... this is proving to you my loyalty... blah blah blah." Kevin says, "Bitch don't make me go over there and karate chop you!" They agree Ragmuffin needs to fall before Jordan comes back out.








The snow starts up again and, for some reason, the feeds go down. They come back and it's lightening and raining with both HG's still holding on. Eventually, it all dies down and the log stops. Jordan goes back inside and Ragamuffin turns to Kevin and says, "Final 2?" He says yes and she jumps down. I'm a little stunned she kept her word. I'm not sure how to deal with an honest Ragamuffin.





Kevin gingerly walks off the log and Ragamuffin keeps yelling, "Just jump off! Don't be a pansy!" He gets down and they embrace in victory. The night ends with showers and food.

So there you have it. Kevin won Part 1. Today we'll have Part 2 and tomorrow will be Part 3 during the live show.

A good friend of the blog, Grimace, has asked me to ask all of you good people to vote for him in a little contest he's involved in. Click on this link http://www.tardies09.weebly.com/ and type the name 'Grimace' at the bottom. He's told me to tell you all "A vote for Grimace is a vote for Leprechaun induced orgasms EVERYWHERE." How can you deny him victory?

The Diary Room Rapes Kevin

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. Wanna know why? I had a dream last night where I made Michele cry. HAHA! It was beautiful. I had won tickets to an indoor baseball game (I hate baseball btw) and I was with all these women who smoked and dressed really bad. Basically, it was like the cast of My Antonio. So we're there at the baseball game and I went to find a bar. Typical. I talked to the bartender and managed to get our tickets upgraded to VIP seats at a Bon Jovi concert (don't ask me why... haven't seen them in ages... haven't listened to them in years). Obviously, the ladies were pleased and we went to our hotel rooms to get ready for the concert. I left the ladies because, quite frankly, they were annoying and I hated them all. Instead, I snuck backstage and started talking/flirting with Richie Sambora (ewww I find him repulsive, Jon is much cuter). As you can imagine, the other ladies were jealous beyond belief so they went to find their seats without me. By the time I got back to hotel room everyone was gone and the place was trashed. I fixed my hair, touched up my lipstick, and went down to the concert venue. Those bitches had stolen my ticket so I couldn't get in. I pretended I was part of a large group of kids and I snuck in with them. When I got to the VIP seats this bitch with dishwater reddish hair was trying to sell my ticket. I grabbed her by the shoulder, spun her around, and discovered it was Michele. I started to yell at her and she started stuttering and stammering. I screamed, "You thought you could sell my fucking ticket behind my back?!? Who the hell do you think you are?!?" She started to cry and begged me to forgive her. I snatched my ticket out of her hand and she really started to weep saying she didn't mean to do it and that she was sorry. I got a security guards attention and he came over and took the psycho bitch away. Yay! Lala saves the day and there is one less neurotic bitch at the Bon Jovi concert. I win. OK psychology students... analyze that one.

Let me tell ya, my dream was way more exciting than the stinky house was. The HG's literally slept all day long. They woke up to eat a carbalicious meal and then Jordan, doing the Bizarro World Atkins Diet, went to bed to lie down and let all those carbs afix themselves to her ever growing ass.

Earlier in the afternoon the HG's were told about tonight's Live Eviction. They were ALL instructed to pack (even Kevin) and I managed to get another freaky screenshot of Sybil... er I mean Michele. It hasn't been photoshopped at all, but it features 2 Michele's packing. One is ghost like and the other is pixellated beyond recognition. The word SHALLOW is prophetically prominent.

Ok so this brings me to a funny little anecdote. Some chat hags were discussing how sad it is to see Michele pack. Fooey! It's not sad, it's funny. Someone actually said that Michele exhibited grace and class throughout her BB experience. Come again. GRACE and CLASS? Since when is it graceful to eat your food with your mouth open while you smack your lips and swallow loud enough for people in the next room to hear you? How classy is it to announce how you like to shove things up your ass while having a penchant for licking other people's rectums? Grace and class are Jackie Kennedy, Grace Kelly, Ava Gardner, Gil Harbord (Tell me who Gil Harbord is in the comments and you're a winner!). Michele "Ass Licker" Noonan is the farthest thing EVER from anything graceful or classy. I'll say that Michele has played this game nicer and kinder than some others, but no way in hell has she played it with grace and class. To say that is just stupid. Once again I'm reminded of a Seinfeld episode. Here's a little quiz today for all my readers: Which Seinfeld episode does the "grace and class" remark remind me of? Post your guesses in the comments.

What prompted the grace and class remark I think was the fact that Michele was looking for her gloves. You know the ones... the ones the Ragamuffin took and hid away from her. Personally, I think it's funny. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is always hiding my keys and money. He never wants me to leave him so he hides my car keys any chance he gets. The only problem is he always hides them in the same place... down his pants. Ba dum bum! He's so precious. So yeah Michele can't find her gloves and I think it's funny. Ragamuffin is indeed repulsive and getting on my last nerve, but she's entertaining and she gives me something to write about so I'll thank her for the material and go about my business. If Michele was smart she would have squished Kevin and Natalie's Play Doh calendar into one big ball when she had the chance. That's what I would have done.

Literally, zero happened yesterday, but last night we had one juicy convo in the HOH. Ragmuffin and Kevin are discussing taking Michele out and it gets a little heated. It began simply enough. Kevin was filling Ragmuffin in on a discussion he had earlier with Jordan and Michele. Jordan told Kevin that if he wanted her to drop in Part 1 in the HOH competition all he has to do is wink at her. Wow. Kevin totally lucked out. He laughed retelling this to Ragamuffin saying he didn't even have to ask Jordan to do anything like that. She just came right out and offered. Ragamuffin says, "Perfect!" and Kevin says, "I know. Mission Accomplished." The only caveat is that Ragamuffin has to fall first. If the Ragamuffin falls, then Jordan will too. Ragamuffin tells Kevin, "I'm not falling before her because I don't trust her."

Kevin goes on to tell Ragamuffin how Jordan told him she's just going along with Natalie making her feel like they're a team so that, in the end, Natalie may feel some sympathy for Jordan. The look on Ragamuffin's face was not one of joy. It was one of a mild realization that, in a way, she got got. Remember how Natalie and Jordan have a Final 2 deal. I'm thinking Ragamuffin does not like hearing that Jordan may have been playing her. Kevin tells Ragamuffin how Jordan said she's been nice to Natalie so she'll hopefully fall before Jordan in the HOH. As funny as this is, I'm kind of pisssed that Kevin is telling this to Ragamuffin. The only reasoning I can see behind this is if Kevin is deliberately trying to drive a wedge in between Natalie and Jordan. If he's doing that, then I can forgive him. I'll always give Kevin the benefit of the doubt.

Kevin continues to tell Ragamuffin how Jordan's plan all along was to go to Final 2 with Michele. She wanted Michele to stay so that they could take Natalie out together. Jordan never wanted to go to Final 2 with Natalie because Natalie would beat her in the end. Jordan apparently ended the conversation telling Kevin she wanted a Final 2 with him because she's feels like it would be 50/50 in the jury vote. At that point in Kevin's convo with Jordan Michele came in and told Kevin that if he got Natalie out she'd only have 2 days to wreak havoc on the Jury House. Kevin corrected her telling her that she would have 5 days, not 2. Ragamuffin is listening to all of this and she's getting pissed. I can tell. The wheels in her brain were starting to steam and work overtime. Jordan and Michele were trying to convince Kevin that he couldn't win against Natalie. Michele said that she knows she can only win 2nd place and that, at this point, she wants to play for the $50,000.

Ragamuffin asks Kevin again about Jordan. Kevin says the DR pretty much raped him and told him to keep Michele this week. Wha... wha... what?!? Then we got fish. I knew it. I fucking knew they wanted Michele to win. Look, I don't particularly want the Ragamuffin to win either but Big Brother should NOT be interfering like that. It's completely unfair and manipulative and it's really pissing me off. The feeds come back and he's telling Ragamuffin that if he keeps Jordan he has a chance o win $50,000, but if he keeps Michele he actually has a chance at winning the $500,000. Ragamuffin says, "If Michele stays, I'm not throwing HOH to you. I'm not. I've done these competitions before and I won't lose." What the fuck is she talking about? They've had 2 endurance comps and she completely fucked them up and LOST. She then tells Kevin, "If you screw me you lose me as a friend and you definitely won't have my jury vote." Kevin says, "Right." Ragamuffin adds, "And you won't have Jessie's vote." Oh who the fuck is she kidding? Jessie may be a total douche bag, but he's not going to let Natalie tell him how to vote. We've already seen how Jessie plans to vote purely on the best game play. He's been getting the poontang from Lydia all this time. Natalie has zero power over him anymore. I firmly believe that.

Kevin tries to tell Ragamuffin more of what the DR told him and we get fish again. Dammit! BB really doesn't want us to hear how they're totally manipulating this game. Feeds come back and Ragmuffin is all heated going over how the votes will go depending on who Kevin keeps. She tells him that if he keeps Michele she'll get Natalie's vote, Jeff's vote, Jordan's vote, and Jessie's vote GUARANTEED. She'll have 4 votes guaranteed. She lays it out for if he takes Jordan too. If he takes Jordan, she'll also have 4 votes. Basically, she's threatening Kevin saying that if he doen't take her to Final 2 she'll never vote for him and she'll get Jessie to not for him too. Here's my problem with this... it's completely PERSONAL! The 2 biggest meatheads on the planet (Russ and Jessie) aren't even planning on voting personal. The Ragamuffin, on the other hand, holds grudges. I really wonder if she'd vote to give Michele $500,000 though. I mean, she loathes Michele. Would she really vote to give her half a million out of spite or are these simply threats so Kevin will keep her? Ragamuffin tells Kevin, "With ME you have a 50/50 shot." She says, "The best shot we have is against each other... and PRODUCTION needs to stay out of it." Then we immediately get fish. LOL

When the feeds come back Ragamuffin has an evil look on her face. I'm scared. Kevin says, "I'm not supposed to lose sleep. Those bitches are supposed to lose sleep." Ragamuffin says, "Why are you losing sleep? I didn't lose sleep over Jeff!" Kevin says the DR fucked with his head and he doesn't know what to think now. He wonders if he's being stupid by evicting Michele. Ragamuffin says half jokingly, "Keep Michele and watch what I do!" Kevin laughs and sighs. He says, "Do they fuck with everybody as much..." Then we get fish. WTF! Feeds come back and Ragamuffin says, "Kevin, it pisses me off that you're even considering the thought though. The fact that you're even considering it means that it's ok for you to betray me." Kevin says, "No no no no, time out." Ragamuffin won't shut up. She says how she never even considered it. She never even considered keeping Jeff no matter what the DR told her. Then guess what happens. Yup. We get fish.

Feeds come back for maybe 5 seconds and Ragamuffin is still yelling at Kevin. Kevin is saying, "Wait a minute... whoa whoa whoa. I said they're [the DR] making me consider it." Grrrr... fish again. Feeds come back and Kevin is telling her how he's had many times to get rid of her and he never has. Ragamuffin, not to be outdone, says she's saved him too. She says, "I could have never gotten this far without you and you could have never gotten this far without me." Kevin asks, "Then why are you tripping? Why are you tripping?" They hoot and holler a little bit more saying the same shit over and over again and Kevin wonders if Memphis and Dan went through this too. Ragamuffin continues, "I mean, this is bullshit... I swear if you keep her..." Kevin laughs and says, "You're going crazy. Seriously, stop! I just got raped in a DR session. I need some support." Ragamuffin says, "I'm gonna rape you!" Then, yes, fish.

Feeds come back to Kevin saying, "Nothing's changing. Stop tripping." Ragamuffin says, "Bitch is going home tomorrow." Kevin says, "Michele will be going home tomorrow and Operation Delete The Middle Row will be a success." Kevin asks her if she's entertaining thoughts the DR are giving her and she says, "No! I shut them down immediately!" Fish. Feeds come back to Ragamuffin saying how vengeful she is. She wants Kevin to go wake up Michele right now and tell her he's made a decision. He says he'll do it in the morning. He'll ask Jordan if she's ready for Final 2 status meaning that she needs to be ready to throw the HOH tomorrow if he needs her to. Ragamuffin licks her paws and says, "Now that it's crunch time you all will see why I got chosen as an athlete. I'm serious!" Kevin says nothing and chuckles to himself. Ragamuffin continues, "I will knock somebody out. I will cut a bitch. I will bite a ear off." Kevin just giggles and puts his head down into one of his fabulous scarves. He says, "See? That's what scares me! I'm on your team and you're talking like that." Ragamuffin tells him he'll have no problems as long as he doesn't keep Michele.

Convo turns to HOH comp and Kevin wants to be sure that Ragamuffin will fall if Jordan falls. Ragamuffin says that she's gonna hold on for a little bit more and Kevin wants her to promise him that she'll fall. She said she'll give Kevin the competition but she wants it to be realistic so she won't fall immediately. Kevin says he'll give her a warning by saying, "Natalie girl, I have one minute left." Then they argue some more about who should throw which part of the HOH. They're both just getting paranoid pre HOH jitters. Ragamuffin claims she knows she can win the endurance. No one can beat her if she wants to win. LOL "Me throwing endurance is HUGE!"

The paranoia continues and they keep talking in circles. Here's what I want to happen. I want Ragmuffin to fall first, Kevin to win endurance. I'd like Jordan to win Part 2 just to piss off the Ragamuffin. Then I want Kevin to win Part 3. That way the end would be a nail biter and Kevin would have a tough decision to make.

I totally made a mistake yesterday when I mentioned the contest. The Big Bitchy Contest is still going on until today at 5 PM EST. Finalists will be announced tomorrow.

Tonight is going to be a great CBS show. I will be tweeting updates throughout the endurance HOH. I hope it's a long one. Have a great day everyone!