Saturday, July 17, 2010

I Want To Shove His Yarmulke In The Trash!

There are many many ways to die. You could fall off a jagged cliff, get an appendage stuck in the motor of a speedboat, acquire a festering and fatal sexual disease from Ass Licker, trip and fall while trying to leap onto a moving train while going through your "hobo stage", or maybe you test out an array of products from work and slip on some bath beads only to electrocute yourself in the bathtub with a hair dryer (Name the movie I just referenced in the comments and you're a big weiner!). I wonder though, if there's such a thing as "Death By Giggling". I'm thinking it's a slow and very very painful death. First, you'd start to twitch and maybe feel a slight tingling in your ears. You'd do that "water in the ear" hopping thing in an effort to make the discomfort stop. Then the pain creeps it's way up your brain stem, your neck gets tight, it's difficult to turn from side to side, you're still hopping up and down only now you're addicted to morphine and you've begun talking to yourself. Your friends stop calling, you start to lick the walls, the imaginary ferret living under your couch starts giving you attitude... Weeks go by and all you hear is the giggling - that godforesaken neverending giggling. It'll never stop. It'll never end. You curl up into a ball on your living room floor, you try to send out 911 tweets, but you're too frail from not eating for weeks, and then... you die. Your brain explodes, the imaginary ferret licks up the remnants, and no one finds your body until well after BB12 is all said and done. It's sad really. I'm thinking about doing a walk around the block to raise money for this newly invented "Death By Giggling" disease. Something must be done to combat this illness. We could even all wear ribbons or some shit like that. *sigh* Let's recap, shall we?

We started our day with a pissed off gargoyle from the bowels of hell. Her human name is "Britney", but let's just go ahead and call her Bitchney. Bitchney has a bad feeling in her gut. Something inside tells her all that gossiping and tearing apart every piece of Giggles' appearance might just come back to haunt her in the form of a Nomination. She scurries up to the HOH to do some major damage control. Bitchney swears on the fiery embers in her soul that Giggles and her Bitch Boy aren't her targets at all if she ever becomes HOH. Yeah right. For some reason Bitchney has a major problem with Andrew and she wants to shove his yarmulke in the trash and do something to it with a sausage. She's creative. I'll give her that. He probably smiled or something and that ticked her off. Who knows? Anyhow, Bitchney gulps back her urge to spew fire and instead tells Giggles that she's positive and fuzzy and that those traits will take her far in this game. Giggles giggles *piercing pain in my brain* and says she'll never play Big Brother dirty. Bitch please. If killing innocent home viewers isn't "dirty" then I don't know what is. The conversation ends and nothing was really accomplished except for Giggles putting on her first layer of mascara for the day. Seriously, all day she'll be doing her make-up.

Downstairs Enzo and Bitch Boy (Brendon) are on a mission. They're out to find those beeping things Mr. Salvatore left around the house. They manage to find three total and then they proceed to play with them sending beep after beep deep inside my skull. The beeps coupled with the giggles will surely kill me. I just know it. Oh, how I suffer!

In another room Monet is talking to Kathy about how she's worried about being nominated. Monet says that if it happens, she'll have to get up quietly from the table and walk away or else bitch will get all gangsta on everyone and bust a cap in their asses. I gotta be honest, at this point I'm kind of hoping she goes through with it. BB will be forced to bring back Annie, the giggling will be forever put to rest, and I'll live to see 2011. Sounds good to me! While Monet continues to ponder going postal, Kathy remains lying down. From here on out, let's just assume that Kathy's always lying down. It'll save me precious time if I only have to report when she actually stands up and moves around.

Back up in the HOH, Giggles is holding court and receiving the HG's one by one. She'll listen to what they have to say, but let's get real here... Bitch has had her noms planned since the day she walked into the house. She's meeting with Hayden and making it a point to say over and over again that Bitch Boy isn't influencing her decisions at all this week. Giggles has thunk up these nominations all by herself and isn't Bitch Boy just so amazing? He's the most amazing person Giggles has ever met. His hair is amazing, that science thing he does is amazing, his heart is amazing, his farts are amazing... amazing, amazing, amazing! It was at this point that I invented a drinking game on Twitter. I told all my bitches to do a shot everytime Giggles said the word "amazing". I'm sorry to report that there are a lot of dead bitches out there today. Alcohol poisoning. So sad.

OK so back to Helmet and Giggles... Giggles wants to know from Helmet who is coming after her and Mr. Amazing. You know, what, if anything, has Helmet heard down in the trenches? Helmet shrugs his shoulders, shakes his shaggy head, and says that Annie wants Giggles and Bitch Boy out. Ummm, that's great and all Helmet, but Annie has already left the building. Let's get with the program buddy. Giggles giggles, cocks her head to the side, and proceeds to go on the most annoying rant I think I've ever heard. She's just repeating herself really: "hee hee hee, Bitch Boy is amazing, who wants to split us up?, I'm so blessed, this game is hard..." *begins to sterilize melon baller*

Next up is Ragan. Ragan sails into the HOH and immediately announces that he's never had an erection in the BB house. Why, thank you Ragan. I can now cross that off of my list of things that keep me up at night. The conversation quickly turns to Annie and how rude she was when she left the house. She only said goodbye to certain people yadda yadda yadda and this is when Bitch Boy enters. Again, the convo focuses on who wants to split up Brenchel. *sigh* It's all Brenchel, all the time. Don't the HG's see how monumentally stupid it was not to split them up when they had the chance? Anyhow, Ragan tells them that they should probably focus on what's going to happen in Week 3 when chances are one of them won't be HOH. Ragan says he'll bet a thousand dollars that the next HOH comp is Endurance and this is where they begin to worry about Monet. She's a fierce competitor and rumor has it she's got a nine strapped inside her panties.

Then, Matt pokes his head in the HOH. He's got big news to share with everyone and he's busting at the seams. He's a genius you know and guess what? He's figured out who Mr. Salvatore is! He's done amazing and fascinating things with formulas and equations. He's been locked down in his lab pouring strange and exotic liquids into beakers and he's finally solved the big mystery that's been plaguing the house. Get ready for it... Matt wipes the sweat off his brow, adjusts his stained lab coat, and announces, "Bitchney is the Saboteur! I'm 100% positive!" Are you now? Giggles continues to put on her make-up. Bitch Boy checks his hair in the mirror and says, "Well, even if she's not the Saboteur, she'a a bitch." Ouchie Bitch Boy. Ouchie.

This brings us to the Have/Have-Not competition. It must have been a doozy because Feeds were down for HOURS. I had time to set up my altar, bless some candles, call the four corners, and creatively visualize Bitch Boy being a Have-Not. (Yes, I take all my religious cues from movies like The Craft and Practical Magic) I chanted, I danced naked (hot!), I jingled bells, I burned sage, and I might have even sacrificed a goat. That's for me to know and you to find out. I don't want PETA on my ass or anything. So anyhow, I was spiritually and physically spent when the Feeds returned. My eyes flitted back and forth across the screen for clues... any clues as to who's a Have and who's a Have-Not. And then it hit me... the giggling had stopped. That can only mean one thing: BITCH BOY IS A HAVE-NOT!!! Yes! I'm so magical. Next time I'm doing a spell to remove Rachel's vocal chords. Oh, also... Enzo, Monet, and Bitchney are Have-Not's as well.

As quickly as the Feeds came back, they disappeared again. This time it was because Big Brother was revealing that Annie is Mr. Salvatore. The Feeds return and it's chaos. Everyone is claiming they knew it all along. They're thrilled they've outwitted Big Brother and they're absolutely convinced that the feedsters are overcome with joy that the twist is now no more. Ragan, especially, assumes that we're all in awe of how smart they are. Actually, assholes, I think it sucks you fucked things up. I was looking forward to watching Mr. Salvatore mess with you. And don't go fooling yourselves. You didn't get Annie out because you thought she was Mr. Salvatore. You got her out because you mistakenly thought she had secret alliances with everyone. The funniest part of the Mr. Salvatore aftermath had to be Matt, the Mad Scientist himself, declaring, "We are a fucking awesome cast!" Ummmm no you're not. You sleep too much, you make crap decisions, and I'd like to see 3/4's of you come down with a severe case of scabies. Now, shut the hell up.

Giggles climbs back up into her Ivory Tower and holds more meetings that really aren't worth it to recap. It's the same conversation over and over again. All she cares about is Bitch Boy. She wants to get rid of the people who want to split up their love and make deals with the people who'll help throw her a bridal shower. Giggles is scared to death that someone will nominate Bitch Boy somewhere down the road. I so don't get this. Better him than you bitch! From what I can tell he hasn't pleasured you, he's not getting you off all hours of the day, and he's kind of a pussy just wanting to cuddle all the time. Why the hell are you sacrificing your game for this douchebag? God, you're an idiot.

Feeds go down again and we discover what we knew all along: Monet and Bitchney are nominated. Better yet, they're both crying. Monet says Rachel is playing personal and she almost went off on her after the noms. Apparently, Giggles brought up the $10,000 Monet won and that pissed off Monet just a tad. Unfortunately for us, she got up quietly from the table and kept her gat hidden in her underthings. The Plastics continue to cry and they vow not to campaign against each other. Bitchney sniffles to herself and in the funniest line of the day says, "I was nice to Rachel!" LOL Sure you were. Calling her boobs lopsided and saying she needs a dye job is right up there with sainthood.

Enzo enters the crying room to see what's going down and it hits me. Enzo has pretty much run every HOH since he's entered the house. It was his idea to put up Brendon and Rachel. It was his idea to evict Annie and 2 nights ago he planted the seed with Giggles about getting out Monet and Bitchney. The best part is, no one even knows he's doing all of this! He's a pretty loud guy. It's not like he's subtly sending messages to people. It's amazing no one's picked up on it yet. I have to respect him for it. I want to kill him for the way he eats, but I'll go ahead and respect him for being somewhat of a puppet master.

Alright well this is getting long and I've got shit to do and diseases to fight. Basically, the rest of the night was Monet and Bitchney crying. Giggles swears that Bitchney isn't her real target and Monet lies and tells herself she'll be happy to go home. Somehow Bitchney blames Kristen for her nominations and she's not shy in telling us over and over again just how much she hates her. How can she blame Kristen?! She was a fringed pillow for most of the day!

So bitches, do you think Enzo is the master of the house? Are you delighted that Bitch Boy is a Have-Not? What color ribbons should we wear to combat "Death By Giggling"? Should Mensa revoke Matt's membership? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Friday, July 16, 2010

A Cinderella Story Makes Me Puke

Before I get to today's blog, I need to address something that's infuriating me. Anti-Semitic, racist, and any other hate filled comments you assholes try to post on this blog will NOT be published. Yes, I have sometimes referred to Andrew as "Jewy JewBoy". This is not an invitation for Nazi propoganda. It's actually an homage to Sarah Silverman. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I recently read Silverman's autobiography Bedwetter. I'm an admirer of her comedy and the fact that she calls herself "Jewy" makes me laugh. Most of the comedians I'm attracted to push political and social boundaries rather than get caught up in the rigid and clearly unfunny political correctness infecting everyone today. Comedians like Lisa Lampanelli, Chelsea Handler, Jeffrey Ross, etc. not only inspire me and sometimes influence my writing, but they also make me laugh my ass off. I realize some of you might not have beyond an 8th grade education, but that's not my fault. I refuse to accommodate idiots and overly explain myself everytime I make an off color joke. I work blue. Deal with it. If you don't like my style, my honesty, or my profanity then please do not read this blog. I don't want you here and neither do the rest of us with the correct number of chromosomes. Fuck off. Let's recap, shall we?

(I've conveniently put a link to Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter on the right hand side. It gets Lala's stamp of approval.)

Well, let's start with last night's live show. What. The. Hell. Was. That? Annie gets voted out unanimously in favor of an overly giggly idiot with a built in alliance? Oh for Christ's sake, you've gotta be kidding me. And then.... and then... we find out that Annie was Mr. Salvatore! I really don't think last night could have gone any worse. Oh wait, of course it can! You wanna know how? Rachel, with the laugh of a thousand deaths, goes on to win HOH! *stabs self in the jugular with a fireplace poker* Why not just kill my puppy and tell me wine is now illegal? That would be easier to endure than Rachel giggling her way into the HOH.

Annie, I will miss you. I won't miss your turtleneck flip-flops, but I'll miss your conversations with Lane. I'll miss your will to fight. Most importantly, I'll miss your ability not to giggle AT EVERY FUCKING THING YOU SAY. Please come back Annie. I demand a "do over". Holla at your girl!

OK so yeah, Giggles wins HOH and Brendon pees himself with joy. He runs to embrace his concubine and they giggle together as the credits run. *puke* I, on the other hand, sat here contemplating the best way to mutilate my own ear drums while I waited for the Feeds to return. I decided an ice pick was a good choice as it's not only quick and effective, but it's also an homage to Basic Instinct and I make it a point to do at least one thing Catherine Tramell-ish everyday. Yesterday, ice pick. Today, commando.

The Feeds finally return and Giggles and Brendon are on cloud nine. They escape to a bedroom to embrace and suck face while, at home, I sterilized my ice pick and poured a tumbler of gin to numb the pain I was about to feel. Brendon even calls Giggles "my queen". All together now: Ewwwwwwwww. Apparently, Britney was feeling kind of like I was because she was sullen, quiet, and mad at the world. One thing that really got her goat was how Andrew made a big fuss congratulating Giggles when she won HOH. He was happy for her and happiness is like kryptonite to Britney so she was understandably pissed. She goes right up to Andrew and tells him point blank that he shouldn't have been happy for Rachel and that it personally offended her. Andrew runs and tells Matt how psycho Britney is while Britney and Monet sit together convinced they're going on the block.

Staying with Britney... for some reason Badda-bing is now convinced that Britney is Mr. Salvatore. Well, they were also convinced that Annie was the perfect person to evict. Let's just say I don't think I'm going to be taking any financial advice from Badda-bing anytime soon. They fucked up. They fucked up big time. Hayden knows he messed up. You can see it in his face. He'll never admit it though. I'm thinking his helmet is on too tight or something. Anyhow, Badda-bing now doesn't like Britney and their dream nominations would be Britney and Monet - just like the girls predicted.

While Badda-bing and the Evil Twins should probably be teaming up, they're waging wars against each other instead which, as Annie predicted, just serves to make Giggles and Brendon that much stronger. Speaking of Giggles, she's now sauntering around the house like she's some sort of goddess. She's looking into mirrors and giggling. She's touching her boobs and giggling. She's giggling, giggling, and fucking giggling. (kill me now) Eventually, she makes her way outside to sit in the hammock and receive well wishes from the lowly peasants occupying her house. I take one look at her in that hammock and I'm reminded of the Lady Of Shalott. I'm not really sure what the Lady Of Shalott did or why poetry was written about her, but I think it had something to do with evil curses and onions. Yeah, that sounds about right.

How genius is this comparison? I mean, come on! It's so good.

(Giggles in her hammock)

(J P Waterhouse's The Lady Of Shalott)

So proud by my Pre-Raphaelite comparison I dug a little deeper into The Lady Of Shalott. It turns out she saw Lancelot and he saw her and something wonky happen and she floats down a river and dies or something. Thank god... a happy ending! I call The Lady Of Shalott's death a "happy ending" in order to prepare you for the hammock conversation that is about make you hurl your innards. Are you ready? Grab a barf bag. Here we go:

Brendon and Giggles are sititng in the hammock talking about how blessed they are. Giggles turns to Brendon and says they can most definitely get to the final two together. Once they've won BB and America's hearts, they'll go on The Amazing Race just like Jeff and Jordan did. Brendon feigns ignorance and asks, "Oh, were they on The Amazing Race?" Giggles says, "Yeah, but they lost because Jordan isn't a competitor. I'm a competitior. I can win." Giggles turns to a camera and says, "Ya hear that CBS? We should be on The Amazing Race." Awful, isn't it? Wait, it gets better...

BBAD starts and Giggles prepares to get her HOH room. She comes sailing out of the DR all sing songy and asking, "Who wants to see my HOH roooooom?" Everyone kind of lays there and begrudgingly gets up. Rachel literally giggles for the next hour straight. This is not an exaggeration. This is not for comedic effect. This is bone hard fact. She. Just. Won't. Stop. Giggling.

The HG's gather outisde the HOH room and Rachel giggles her way into opening the door. She giggles over her photos. She giggles over her gifts. She giggles through a complaint that she didn't get her stuffed rottweiler. Then, she screeches, "I got tequila!" Since when has BB ever given the HG's hard liquor? It's a small bottle of Patron I think, but it's a bottle nonetheless. Then, it happens. We hear Rachel's letter from home. I'm thinking Rachel wrote it before she left and merely had her mom sign her name to it. It went something like this:

Dear Giggles,

Wow! My fantastic wonderful amazing Rachel, you're the most perfect person on the planet. I'm so blessed to have endured months of ankle swelling and inexplicable pain to give birth to you. If only all other mothers were half as lucky.

I'm not surprised at all that you won HOH. You win at everything in life. You're so brave to move to Vegas. It takes skill, perseverance, and raw talent to be a cocktail waitress. You are a bright beacon of light in that desert wasteland of sin and debauchery. Wouldn't it be amazing if you got your own tv show? You'd be such an inspiration to crackwhores and small breasted girls everywhere. My dying wish is that you become famous and make your poor sick mother proud. Of course, I'm not dying or anything, but if I were, that would be my wish.

Have I mentioned yet that you're beautiful and perfect? We love you with all our might and we love you love you love you love you. Do you remember that time when we selflessly helped that hillbilly homeless family on the block? We're so nice to have done that. It's memories like that that I cherish. You're so selfless and giving - especially when you give your vagina to strangers. Your courage, sense of humor, and vivaciousness to take a Chemistry job and then quit it is unparalleled. Your brain power alone continues to astound me daily.

Continue to enjoy your journey and never hesitate to take a big bite out of whatever ass comes your way. Always remember your roots (psssst I enclosed some hair dye). Always remember who you are and that you were wanted because, well, it was too late to abort you in the third trimester. You'll always be a winner to me.



(Portions of this letter have been embellished. Scarier still, portions are word for word what her mother really wrote.)

It was not long after I heard this letter that I shot myself in the face. My eyeball is hanging on by some sort of stringy membrane. I'm bleeding all over my tank top and pieces of brain are coating my keyboard.

I have to end this post here, because I just can't take it anymore. Let me first say that I was right. Annie should have stayed. Even Monet and Britney agree with me now. Their decision has gone horribly wrong and now we're all forced to a week of laughing, guffawing, giggling, snorting, and french kissing.

I think I might cry.

So, what did you bitches think about last night? Are you happy Annie left? Will Rachel and Brendon weasle their way onto TAR18? Can an eyeball be superglued back into it's socket? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Hee Hee Hee.... BANG BANG!

Far far away in a land where the days are 26 hours long, where Kool Aid is considered a food group, and where the insects buzzing in the trees deliver a sweet sweet symphony the world gave birth to a gaggle of Douche Bags. One was named Jon Gosselin, another was named Spencer Pratt, and two more were named Hayden Moss and Brendon Villegas. Jon and Spencer found a mentor named Ed Hardy to provide them with sustenance, bravado, and duckets to make their way onto the Hollywood scene. Hayden and Brendon weren't as fortunate. Their claim to fame would take a little longer. It required, focus, patience, one bad decision after another, and, most importantly, $2 haircuts by a crotchety old blind man. As we all know Hayden and Brendon persevered, delivered boneheaded sound bytes, tanned a lot, and got themselves all the way to the CBS backlot or what we like to call "Big Brother". They seemed semi-normal the first week. I mean, from what I could tell they weren't too horrifying or anything. And then... and then... there was last night's Big Brother episode on CBS. Holy rhinestones cowboy! We must discuss. Let's recap, shall we?

Hayden won HOH and we are all semi-ok with it because Badda-bing was in control and those penis swingers sure can cut up and tell a joke. Then the nominations came and, like a dog responding to the word "treat", we cocked our heads to the side and said, "Huh?". Why Brendon and Rachel? Quickly we realized that these two were an alliance. Worse still, a love alliance. We accepted the nominations, kept a side eye on Britney just in case she burst into flames or something, and waited patiently for the day Brendon would go home. Like most Douche Bags, Brendon unfortunately insisted on sticking around. Hayden, in a classic Douche Bag move chose to listen to the ramblings of a mafioso and decided to nominate Annie as Brendon's replacement because she committed the heinous crime of trying to make friends.

So, last night I'm watching the CBS show and several "what the fuck?!" moments smacked me across the face. First, Enzo was HOH not Hayden. Secondly, Badda-bing's very wise and very simple master plan was to SEPARATE Brendon and Rachel. Thirdly, Brendon is a complete tool who must be disposed of. Lastly, Rachel needs to have her vocal chords severed as soon as possible. When Hayden/Enzo nominated Annie, the masses (you idiots) were pleased as most of you really despised Annie. I kind of remained leery wondering if maybe she could bring me some drama somewhere down the road. This morning, however, I have never been more sure that, by all means necessary, RACHEL must be removed from the BB house.

Rachel is nice and I still think she has good intentions, but, my god, can that girl talk and giggle and even put a Cullen to sleep if she wanted to. Yes, Rachel is so boring that she can put nonsleeping Vampires into a deep REM cycle. If I have to hear her go "hee hee hee" and cock her head to the side one more time, I will sacrifice a baby. I'll do it. Don't push me. I'm that far to the edge. "Look at my boobs... hee hee hee.", "I think science is the best... hee hee hee", " I'm like a really nice person... hee hee hee.", "I don't want anyone to go home.... hee hee hee." *plucks off fingernails one by one* Allow me to clarify that Rachel is not nearly half as bad as Ass Licker. Ass Licker was in a category all her own. Rachel is just simply annoying and when she gets together all whispery with Brendon she doubles the annoying like she's a fucking double mint twin or something.

One more thing about the CBS show, Rachel most certainly made a stink face when she pulled Monet's ball out of the bag. Does evil lurk deep within her? Could it be that Annie is right and Rachel is trying to make her look bad? I wouldn't doubt it.

AND... did you see BBAD last night? Oh my god in heaven... raise your hands if you were screaming that the feeds get off Brendon and Rachel. *surveys the room* Just like I thought, every hand raised.

But I'm jumping ahead here. There are some random loose ends to tie up from the day's events before I can go ahead and puke out a BBAD recap.

First things first, Mr. Salvatore has struck again! Mr. S. came on the screen with a message specifically for Hayden. He said something along the lines of "You suck douchebag. I managed to escape eviction this week." OK so maybe I made up that douchebag part. Nonetheless, I'm thinking Mr. Salvatore just announced himself as NOT being Rachel or Annie and if you're overanalyzing the word "escape" (like Jewy Jewboy did) Mr. S could have just outed himself as Brendon. Personally, I think he was just saying he's not any of the nominees. The "escape" part was probably put there to fuck with everyone. I still think Mr. Salvatore is Kristen. At least I hope it is because yesterday I got, "Mr. Salvatore is Kristen" tattooed across my forehead.

After the excitement of Mr. Salvatore, Ragan began asking Brendon and Rachel if the Sab would outright lie to them. Brendon and Rachel immediately say "Yes!" which I found to be a little odd. The threesome start to whisper and I hear Ragan wondering if Mr. Salvatore is covering up for Annie because she was unaccounted for during the blackout. I don't know, call me crazy, but I think that padlock on the door was put there BEFORE the blackout. I think the blackout was a cover-up and BB basically helped Mr. Salvatore get away with that first prank.

Ragan goes on to advise Rachel that it might not be the best idea for her to separate herself from the house so much. She should get to know all the HG's and appear to be interested. Rachel arches her back and sighs, "Do I have to mingle right now? Everyone is sleeping." Brendon grunts, adjusts his sunglasses, and says, "Well you know I'm not the Saba-tore because of my obvious size." Size? What are you, Big Foot? Do you reside in the Matterhorn? Do a tribe of Pygmies live in your shadow? What the hell are you talking about Brendon? The size of your ego? If that's the case, then, yes, it's huge.

Rachel continues by saying that she's none too pleased that Mr. Salvatore is messing with Thursday's eviction. She can't understand why in the world Big Brother would want her voted out. Well, Rachel, allow me to fill you in. You're BORING. You tell asinine stories about your hair and your legs. You talk too much about how big your boobs are. You spend all your time hanging out with Bohunk Brendon and you do that annoying, "hee hee hee" thing any chance you get. I used to like you, but now you've driven me to whack myself over the head with wrenches, flower pots, and garden gnomes everytime you open your fucking trap. *pause* So ummm, yeah, maybe that's why Big Brother wants you out of this game.

I've wanted Annie to stay in the game since I find out she was nominated. Sure, she's incessant and a little phony, but I'll take her over Rachel any day. When BBAD started last night, I'm pretty sure I can safely say I'm not alone in wishing scurvy on both Brendon and Rachel. This morning I'm sitting here watching the last hour I missed and, let me tell you, I'm am 100%, without a doubt, positive that Brendon is milking this showmance purely for ratings and attention. The way he talks to Rachel lacks sincerity. He's more concerned with how his pecs look and he's delivering lines as if he read a book entitled, "How To Score With Babes." He's a tool. She's a tool. I hate them both!

Let's see... Hayden got his HOH camera yesterday and all the assholes posed for photos. It would have been fine and dandy, but Rachel wouldn't shut up about what Hayden put in his HOH blog. "Did you talk about POV? Did you say hi to people? Did you tell them about the house? Did you let them know what we talk about? Did you mention your family? Did you thank the Helmet Association of America?" I think she was trying to make conversation or something, but my inner monologue was literally, "shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup". She's exhausting.

Then there's Annie - sweet, misguided, loquacious, misunderstood Annie. She's working overtime to get those votes. She even spent some quality time with Queen of Darkness Britney last night. They discussed who Mr. Salvatore could be and began to work their way through Brendon's make believe stories. Clearly, Britney is trying to get Annie to fess up about Brendon's big bad science secret.

Dear Big Brother, Please never ever ever cast anyone having anything to do with science ever again on this show? You should have learned your lesson with Ass Licker! Love, Lala

OK so today is the big eviction which means that the feeds won't get interesting until AFTER the live show. During the day, expect lots of bubbles - which I've promptly named Michael Bubles. Michael Buble will be everywhere today. There's blocking, instructing, rehearsals, cleaning, etc to deal with in the BB house so let's not hear any bitching about "I paid for the feeds. Why am I seeing Michael Buble all the time? Wahhh wahh wahhh."

So, who do you bitches think will go home? Who would you like to be the new HOH? Remember, we find out who Mr. Salvatore is tonight. I can't wait! I'm so sure I'm right. Otherwise I'll be scrubbing my forehead for weeks. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Super special out to all the bitches in the blogtalk chat room. You scare me and I'm filing a restraining order. Love ya!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Whore Bag Slut Face!

The day started with the heat... hot, sweltering, oppressive heat. A stunning girl with a spring in her step goes about her business running errands, popping in to say hi to friends, and shipping a package off at the post office. She flips her hair just so, slides into her leather upholstery, turns her key in the ignition, and then.... NOTHING. Fucking nothing. Sure, I'm talking about myself and not BB, but, trust me, my adventures totally trump the BB12 adventures yesterday afternoon. So my car wasn't cooperating and I was melting into a small puddle on the floor and what do you think my first thought was? "Dammit! What if Mr. Salvatore strikes again and I'm stuck sitting here with these post office assholes?!" I called Flo over at Progressive told her to hightail it on over to my location and rescue me because I had bitches to blog about, people to make fun of, and more evil Britney metaphors to plan. Flo said, "Who's Britney?" I replied, "She's the breath of the devil. She's the bump in the night. She makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up straight. Just trust me, she's not to be trifled with and I'm pretty sure she eats placentas for breakfast." Flo tinkled a little in her white jumper, a big beefy tow truck driver arrived, and I was finally rescued. Hooray! I arrived home with my hair stuck to my face, my will crushed, and I began a frantic search for my favorite gin tumbler. Let's recap, shall we?

I turned on the Feeds to find the HG's playing a game of "What Would You Do?". They asked questions of one another like "Would you suck Ronnie's balls for a chance in the Final 2?" and "Would you have sex on top of the covers for $500,000?" As my personal life seems to be the result of an evil voodoo curse, I answer yes to all of the above questions. I'll whore myself out for $500,000. What do I care? I'll move to Bali where I'll undoubtedly be bitten by a deadly spider and that'll be the end of me, BUT at least I'll die with a tan. That's all that matters.

We get some more mindless chitchat that really has nothing to do with game play. Annie's the only one talking strategy, but at this point she's a broken record wondering why her, why is she so threatening, why not Rachel, everyone will be sorry, blah blah blah. *sigh* Yes Annie you're making some good points. The problem is you're fucking annoying and, at this point, people just don't really like you. If the house were thinking strategically, they'd keep you, but they're not. They're thinking personally right now. It might bite them in the ass in the end and I know it sucks for you now, but please, for the love of god, take off your turtleneck flip-flops and shut the fuck up already! Play pool, go swimming, stick a ladybug in the heart (that might get you on Britney's good side), but, for crying out loud, ENOUGH with the "why me" crap.

Fast forward to BBAD... Annie is still asking "Why me?", "Why not Rachel?", "Why aren't turtleneck flip-flops more popular?" I stabbed myself in the eye with a knitting needle and let the blood drip down my chest. I guess I'm doing laundry tomorrow. I wasn't knitting or anything. I just bought one for situations such as these. Knitting needle on retainer if you will.

Just when I thought all hope was lost I hear Annie telling Lane that he's a "teddy bear stuffed in a hillbilly's body". Lane replies, "Why would you say that?" Annie says, "I want to rub your face in shit." See? Now this is good stuff! This is what BB12 should be all the time - poop references and insults. That would be like the best summer ever. More people should threaten each other with poo, that's all I'm saying.

OK so later that night Brendon and Rachel are fucking around under the covers. I'm thinking there's no penetration... at least that's what Rachel wants us to think. Upstairs in another room, Britney is on her evil high horse bestowing goodness and genuine love onto Rachel. She tells Monet, "Rachel is good at being a whore bag slut face!" *pause to appreciate* LOL Now, we're talking my language! I still don't like Britney and I'm quite certain she's working for Osama Bin Laden, but if she's the only one bringing any sort of drama, I might be forced to reevaluate her. You bitchy readers might think you've influenced me, but, in all honesty, any girl who uses the phrase "whore bag slut face" could easily earn a one way ticket into my heart.

Monet and Britney agree that Brendon needs to go ASAP. Well, assholes, the quickest way to facilitate this is to GET RID OF RACHEL this week! It's like in Mean Girls when Janis runs downs the list to dismantle Regina George's life. You systematically take away everything she values in life. As we're talking about Brendon right now, the first way to destroy what he cares about is to kick Rachel to the curb. The second strategy might be to ban the use of the word "I" and, thirdly, replace his lean chicken breasts with Kalteen Bars. You put all those together and he'll be a weepy paunchy mess with no hopes of becoming the next Jeff and Jordan. In the words of Reese Witherspoon, "It's a completely brilliant plan!"

Other than the bitching and incessant whining, we do get one tiny little nugget of value. It turns out that everyone is trying to get to the big secret that Annie knows about Brendon. The secret being that Brendon is a physicist or some shit like that. At this point everyone but Rachel and Annie think he's a swim coach. The others suspect that Brendon may have something science related in his background. That's the big secret that everyone wants to get to the bottom of? Oh for fuck's sake, Jordan was a professional idiot and that didn't stop her from winning. Ass Licker was a phony doctor and look where that got her? She's turning tricks on Hollywood Blvd. with ratty troll doll purple streaks in her hair and deformed boobs. The only person who's background might make them a threat is Matt the Mensa member. Although, so far I'm not seeing him Mensa-ing anything to death so who knows? Maybe he slept with someone on the acceptance board. I'm still waiting for the flashes of genius to overwhelm me.

Unfortunately, that's all I got for today. Please accept my sincerest apologies, but my drama coupled with the boredom in the house does not an interesting blog make. I'll be back in top form tomorrow. I promise. I would, however, like to address all the assholes calling BB12 the most boring season ever on Twitter. It's been a week you fuckwits. It's clear these players have watched last seasons and have learned from playing too hard too fast. The fierce strategy and balls out fighting will come. I'm sure of it. We're just going to have to give it time. This is a new caliber of player with this year - they're careful, cautious, and hyper aware of everything. It was bound to happen after 11 seasons of watching the drama queens go home too soon. Bullying has been done, overplaying has been done, secret alliances are still somewhat in their infancy, but I have the utmost faith that like all other BB seasons, this one will bring some hardcore drama. I'm thinking that by Week 3 or 4 (or maybe even next week), shit will get ugly. Just you wait until Badda-bing blows up. Ya think Enzo's gonna sit idly by and accept his fate? Yeah right. Enzo's gonna release the pepperoni, snort some meth, and give me hours and hours and write about.

Let's not forget about Mr. Salvatore. He's hardly begun to strike. I hope my guess of Kristen is right because NO ONE will suspect her and she might be able to wreak some havoc.

It's gonna happen. Trust me. Be patient. Stop accusing viewers from influencing casting. If you think Robyn Kass listens to one iota of what viewers think, you're a fucking moron. Stop watching if you hate it so much. You won't be missed.

So, how are we all feeling today about Rachel and Annie? Do you agree that the Janis Ian plan is the way to go? Will Britney demand that we all sign our names in blood anytime soon? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

For a more detailed account of all the crap I missed, please check out and be sure to tell them I sent you. Call them rude names too. They like it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Have Your Name Tattooed On My Pubes

Rachel grew up in a field of daisies. Butterflies fluttered around her head, birds sang songs specifically for her, chipmunks nuzzled her toes as she napped in a picturesque meadow. It never rained. It never snowed. When Rachel was 16 a woman in a pink bubble floated down and hand delivered 2 gigantic breastesses for Rachel to enjoy. It was then that Rachel knew she'd have to leave her strawberry picking unicorn petting paradise. It was time for her to enter the "real world" - a world where people are mean, selfish, two-faced, and, worse still, flat-chested. In search of the innocence of her homeland, Rachel ended up in Las Vegas. I think it was the bright shiny lights and glittery costumes that caught her eye. Little did she know that Vegas is the birthplace of sin... much like the Big Brother house... *dramatic sigh* Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a yawn. HG's leisurely greeted the morn. Breakfast options were mulled over, Enzo planned his future t-shirt making business, and Rachel - poor poor Rachel - asked the crone of the house, Kathy, how she should act. "What do I say? How should I speak? What kind of gestures should I make?", she inquired. Kathy lit up a Marlboro Red, hacked and coughed while running her fingers through her Aileen Wuornos hair, and in that throaty voice of hers said, "Be yourself babe" *exhale* "It's all you can do." *inhale* "It's all any of us can do." Rachel swatted the smoke out of her eyes, sighed, and said in a far off voice, "I wish no one had to go home."

Enough! I can't stand this anymore. This isn't a Christian summer camp. It's Big Brother for chrissake! People will go home. People are supposed to go home. There's no dream catcher making classes or marshmallow roasting. It's just pure unadulterated assholeness steeped in bitchiness. Get with the program Rachel! Fuck!

OK enough of that. I have a super big announcement to make. Guess who's baaaaaack? It's the ShapeShifter queen herself! My darling Kristen has blown out her hair, she's looking lovely, and it appears as if she's decided to stay in her human form for at least a few hours. Kristen begins her day getting to know her arms and legs again and having a heart to heart with Hayden in the HOH. They're discussing whether or not they have enough votes to get Annie out. Hayden thinks Annie has managed to get Lane's vote and Kristen wonders where Matt's loyalties lie. I've never been a Matt fan and Hayden and his helmet bug me, but I'd hate to see Badda-Bing combust this early on and, I'm afraid, that's probably what's going to happen.

Kristen has a feeling that if Annie isn't Mr. Salvatore then she must be one of the "lifelong friends". And this brings me to the best theory I've heard yet about who Mr. Salvatore is. I wish I could take credit for inventing this, but, alas, I did not. A member of the Bitchy Network found it somewhere online and graciously shared it with me. Here it is: You know how Mr. Salvatore put X's over Kathy and Britney's photos? Well, Kristen's initials are K.B. *pause for dramatic effect* Kristen, in addition to being a squirrel, an ottoman, and a seashell, is Mr. Salvatore!!! The thing with the initials is totally something BB would do. I've said from day one that she's been shrouded in mystery. She's super chill, doesn't cause any waves, and disappears an awful lot. If I were a betting girl, I'd put $80 million dollars on the fact that Kristen, my favorite, is Mr. Salvatore. *throws glitter in the air* Do you love it or do you love it? You know you love it.

OK so back to Kristen Salvatore and Hayden. Kristen is telling Hayden that he and Andrew are really the only two people she trusts. She trusts Andrew because he's all alone and most likely isn't planning evil plots with others. Hayden then turns to the conversation to Britney and asks Kristen what she thinks of her. Kristen doesn't care for her, don't trust her, and will most likely nominate her if she wins HOH. (Yes!) Apparently, Britney has a way of glaring at people that's most unnerving and makes everyone uncomfortable. For me, it's her monotone delivery of sadistic pony killing thoughts that's scares me to death, but more on that later. Kristen also thinks all the girls need to go except Kathy and Rachel. I don't necessarily agree with that for personal reasons, but, thinking strategically, it makes sense. It's not like Kathy Crone or Peace Loving Rachel is gonna when this thing. Also, Kristen thinks that keeping Rachel will make Brendon happy and a happy Brendon is better than a pissy Brendon I guess. The conversation ends with Kristen and Hayden agreeing to keep their alliance on the downlow. It's best if the rest of the house doesn't see how close they are.

A lot of time passes with the HG's working out, eating, napping, and doing everything I would really rather not watch. If this season turns into BB8 with the HG's napping all fucking day, I'm going to be livid.

Fast forward to a little later and we find Hayden and Ragan in the HOH room. Ragan starts off the conversation saying he doesn't want to name any names and then proceeds to launch into the most cryptic and nonsensical convo I've ever heard. Ragan begins by saying that he didn't want to approach Hayden earlier because Hayden had all these power decisions to make and everyone was kissing his ass. Ragan wants Hayden to know that he's genuine and has no ulterior motive. Ragan says that he's been observing everyone quietly for 9 days and that he can tell who's being real and who's full of shit. He makes some moony eyes at Hayden and tells him that he thinks Hayden is real and trustworthy.

After some hemming and hawing and lots of fidgeting, Ragan says that the point of this conversation is that on Thursday Hayden will be able to see people for who they really are. He's being annoyingly cryptic and I can't tell if he's trying to defend Annie, blast Britney, frame Enzo, or out Brendon and Rachel. He could literally be talking about anyone at this point. He goes on to tell Hayden that his gut instincts are that people will begin to throw one another under the bus then... the feeds cut! What?!? Are you shitting me?!? When the feeds eventually turn back on, Hayden is saying that the way people treat each other is a huge insight into their real character. This almost makes me think that he's talking about Britney, but, seriously, who the hell knows?

Ragan says the twists in the game are screwing with his head and his ability to trust anyone or tell anyone anything. What I'm beginning to learn about Ragan is that he's very deliberate, very cautious, mindful, and uber reminiscent of The Scarfed One himself... Kevin. Kevin was a genius BB player. Funny, quiet, spoke up when he needed to, and very creatively thought outside the box on more occasion than one. His penchant for scarves and colorful pedal pushers only made him that much cooler. We love Kevin here at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. Can we also love Ragan too? It's a little too soon to tell. I need him to come out of his shell a little more. Remember, it took a few weeks for Kevin to completely open up and get his groove on so I'll exercise patience with Ragan and hope for the best.

Off in another bedroom Annie is busy madly whispering to Jewy. The volume already sucks this season and I'm forced to wear headphones when I watch the Feeds, but their stealth whispering was still very hard to hear. Annie was saying something about Brendon and Rachel being this year's Jeff and Jordan and that they'll help each other get to the end just like JeJo did. Annie has a point... a very good point. You'd have to be a moron not to realize that Brendon idolizes Jeff and wants the same public adoration Jeff got. I have no doubt in my mind he's hooking up with Rachel partly for showmance fame and partly to get on the next season of The Amazing Race (new readers be sure to bookmark my Bitchy Amazing Race Blog!). Brendon is no dummy. He knows exactly what he's doing. Even though I'm not able to catch every word of Annie and Jewy conversation, I'm getting the distinct impression that she might have Andrew's vote. If anyone can verify otherwise, please let me know in the comments.

This brings me to my favorite part of the day. It's afternoon and Lane and Annie are sitting with their feet in the hot tub. When these two get going, I can watch them for days. Annie's quick wit and Lane's dry sense of humor are hysterically intoxicating. They share sexual jabs mixed in with brutal insults and all the while both keep a perfectly straight face. Annie tells Lane he reminds her of her uncle. Lane doesn't blink an eye and asks, "Do you have sex with your uncle?" Annie replies, "No Lane." Lane says, "I'm gonna fight your uncle when I get out of here." LOL It's so random and so dry that you can't help but crack up at them. And when Lane tells Annie he got "Annie was here" tattooed by his pubes, I think we all had a little chuckle. Their familiarity and similar senses of humor is refreshing, but could it also be suspicious? Remember how uptight Annie was in the beginning over the pap smear thing? It's a complete 180 for her to immediately gel with Lane especially over off color jokes and somewhat offensive comments. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe Annie and Lane are just two people who immediately clicked. Who knows? All I do know is that I like watching them together and Lane could very well give Annie his vote. He could be instrumental in getting her some more votes if he really wanted to. If anyone could convice Badda-bing to keep Annie, it would be Lane.

After some more boring bouts of nothingness, we are treated to three babes in a bubble bath. Yup, you heard me right. Three scantily clad ladies are frolicking in a tub full of bubbles. Are they giggling and untying each other's tops? Are they drinking giant glasses of wine and playing with each other's hair? Do they playfully smack one another's asses and decide to experiment with some hot girl on girl action? *sigh* No. A big stinky NO. Instead we get Miss Peace Be With You, a crone with black lungs, and a sneering not very cute boring gal. Never in my life have three girls in a tub delivered absolutely zero in the way of entertainment.

Rachel is still stressed out trying to figure out how to act. Why why why is it so hard for this chick to be herself? I don't understand why she needs other people to tell her how to be. And of all people, she consistently seeks Kathy's advice. Kathy?! The woman who lies around all day with a pinched look on her face and has absolutely zero to offer the house. She's completely useless and always looks like she's so over everything Big Brother. Bitch looks like she'd rather be at home swatting flies and eating spam on a rocking chair out front of her double wide rather than in L.A. competing for a half a million. I wonder if BB is slipping Ambien into her tobacco or something. She has no energy to mingle let alone stand upright.

Another HG who pisses me off is the Princess of the Underworld herself, Britney. I'm convinced she was born in the 9th ring of hell and drinks babies tears and pony blood for sustenance. I'm scared to two things in life: Mormons and snakes. I'm thinking of ammending that list to include Britney. I look into her eyes and I see a deep vast oasis of fire and brimstone. With Lucifer (Russell Hantz whom I blogged about at great length over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog) in Season 19 of Survivor, his evil ways and crackling embers of a soul were somewhat charming and likable. With Britney my nipples go inverted and I fear imminent death. I don't know why, but I can see her pushing grandmas down the stairs, giving peanuts to children with peanut allergies, and spiking little girls' shampoo with bleach. She's scaaaaaary.

While Annie and Lane can tell jokes and shoot the shit with straight faces, Britney can weave a tale like no other with just as straight a face. A small group has outside on the couches and, out of nowhere, Britney decides it's "Story Time". She announces, "I have the best story. Do you want to hear it?" Why, yes Britney, we do. Just let me grab my crucifix first.

Britney remains lounging on the couch and without changing her facial expression or breathing pattern she begins with her little tale...

Once upon a time there was a girl named Rachel in the Big Brother house. She quickly met her superman named Brendon and they fall in love. One day the Saboteur comes on the screen to deliver a message. He says that Brendon is married with 2 kids. Rachel is devastated and spends days crying and weeping, but this story has a happy ending. Rachel has been impregnated by her Superman. Brendon goes on to win the $500,000 and is forced to give Rachel half the money. Even though Rachel didn't get Brendon, she got half the money and everyone lived happily ever after.

Ummm, what the fuck?!

Britney then continues on with a sequel...

Once upon a time Brendon and Rachel's baby named Brenchel goes on BB32. She meets someone and immediately enters into a showmance. They make love on the hammock and Brenchel ends up winning the money her mother never did.

What a freak! Enzo, in a deadpan voice, says, "Wow. That was a really good story." No one else really knows what to say. All I know is that I wouldn't be surprised if Rachel finds her food laced with arsenic one day. Just saying...

This brings us to the one little dramatic incident in the house yesterday. Of course I was busy watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey at the time (that Teresa is trash!), but my good buddies over at recapped it beautifully and Annie wouldn't shut up about it on BBAD so I think I've managed to get the gist of it.

Annie was laying down in the bedroom when Rachel walks in. Annie gets up and says, "Hey". Rachel doesn't respond and goes to leave the room. Annie decides to leave right behind her. Annie assumed Rachel would hold the door open for her, but, instead, Rachel closes the door in Annie's face. Annie confronts Rachel and asks her, "Can we talk? What was that for?" Rachel looks at her, scoffs, and runs away. Mind you, I'm using Annie's version as she told it to Hayden last night so I have no idea how much embellishing is going on.

OK so Annie follows Rachel into the kitchen and confronts her about why she's being a bitch. Rachel acts like she doesn't know what Annie is talking about and she asks Annie if maybe she's just being overly sensitive. Well, this is when Annie gets pissed. She starts to storm throughout the house telling everyone they should have seen how Rachel was acting and how she can't wait to see the videotapes of it all. To Hayden in the HOH later, Annie says that she knows Rachel is trying to get a rise out of her and make her look bad. In my mind though, I'm wondering if Annie isn't doing the exact same thing by overreacting to what really amounts to nothing more than a look on Rachel's part.

Now, personally I haven't seen Rachel give a dirty look or do anything intentionally evil but this isn't the first time I've heard of Rachel doing something shady. Remember when Monet was all pissed off at Rachel for giving a dirty look during the POV Ceremony? Could Rachel not be as innocent as she seems? Is there something more going on underneath that giggly innocent exterior. It can't be coincidence that two girls, on two separate occasions, are infuriated by something Rachel did. Unless, of course, both of girls just really hate Rachel and want to make her look bad. What do you guys think? Do you think Rachel is misunderstood or has she been infected by Britney's evil glare?

Before I end this I want to address the rumor that Steven Daigle (BB10) might be returning the BB12 house. I, for one, would absolutely hate this. He did nothing for me when he was in the house during his season and I find him to be incredibly boring. His foray into gay porn and his penchant for tweeting naked photos of himself is pretty much just his way of staying relevant. It's no secret he was pissed he was eliminated so soon during his season. I expressed my annoyance via Twitter yesterday and some subhuman tweeted me back calling me a "pissy bitch" and Steven Daigle "a god". LMAO A god! That made my morning. The day Steven is a god is the day Ass Licker becomes charming... not gonna happen.

How are you guys feeling today about Rachel and Annie? Who would you rather stay in the house? Do you think Kristen is Mr. Salvatore? Is Badda-bing going to implode? Can Britney turn people to stone with merely a glance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Monday, July 12, 2010

All Annie, All The Time

The night air was pregnant with possibilities. A full moon hung high in the black inky sky. Horny lightning bugs flitted here and there piercing the darkness with their teeny tiny asses. In an alley somewhere a cat meowed lazily. And in Studio City on the CBS backlot, an attractive blonde was ready to take flight. Kristen stood naked with only the moon's reflection in the pool to light her body. She mumbled something in Ancient Enochian, her eyes rolled back into her head, and in a New York minute she was gone. Tonight she's an owl. She'll sit high in an oak tree, hoot once in a while, and then that's it. We'll never hear from her again.... at least not today. Shapeshifter girl has cars to poop on and Yorkies to steal. Welcome to Day 8 in the Big Brother house Bitches. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin with Annie. Actually, we're going to end with her too. It's all Annie, all the time I'm afraid. Strap yourselves in and get ready. Annie and Hayden will have many conversations today. This first one, just like all the others, takes place in the HOH room. Annie is wondering why she's the one getting shit on in the house when it's Britney who's the vile hose beast. *to be read in a Jan Brady voice* Britney, Britney, Britney! Annie's just trying to make friends and influence people. Britney's the liar who pulls wings off of butterflies and kicks puppies for fun. Why isn't she being targeted too? I can see where Annie is coming from and I'm still really not clear on how Annie became the designated victim in the house. Hayden just sits there and nods his helmet back and forth. He even says he doesn't really care for that bitch Britney. This is music to Annie's ears, but is it enough to keep her off the block?

Hayden presses Annie for more info about Brendon and Rachel. He wants to know exactly how close Annie is to Brendon. Now, this would have been a perfect opportunity for Annie to lie and tell Hayden exactly what he wants to hear. What does she do instead? She tells Hayden that she feels close to Brendon on a "personal level", but that she has no problem separating the personal from the game. Bitch please! Why, why, why would she even say that? Just tell Hayden that you think Brendon is up to something or that you feel no real allegiance to him. When your ass is on the line, you lie! To make matters worse, she talks about how smart Brendon is. Look, clearly Hayden some inner jealousy with Brendon eating away at him. Brendon is just one person in a house of many. Why he haunts Hayden's days and nights is beyond me, but since he does Annie needs to placate Hayden and his giant helmet and look out for number one... herself!

Annie goes on to say that people in the house asked her to feel out Brendon to see what he's up to. I have no idea if this is true or not. If they did ask her to go on a covert "Brendon Misson" it happened before the feeds went up. Somehow though, I'm thinking it's all kind of bullshit. After some more obsesssing about Brendon, the convo turns to Mr. Salvatore and who he could be. Both Hayden and Annie doubt it's Jewy because Jewy is so awkward and sticks out like a sore thumb. Annie claims she was holding hands with Monet during the blackout and in a very slippery way she insinuates that Britney could be Mr. Salvatore. Now, that's more like it. Lie if you have to. Plant every seed of doubt you can in Hayden's ginormous head. Make up things, invent conversations that never happened. I don't care what you do, but.... save your ass!

Annie eventually leaves and now it's Rachel's turn to kiss ass. She tells Hayden that if she stays she promises she won't put Hayden on the block. She even goes a step further and says that if someone else nominates Hayden and she wins POV, she'll take him off the block and save him. Hayden, like a desperate schoolgirl, pushes Rachel for info on the inner workings of Brendon's mind. He wants to know how often he shaves, does he use free weights, is he on a high protein diet. OK so maybe that's not really what he wanted to know, but it might as well have been. I've come to the conclusion that Hayden is in love with Brendon and maybe, someday, they'll make cocky giant headed babies.

Hayden then turns the conversation to a possible secret alliance with Brendon and Rachel. He's foaming at the mouth over how much he likes Brendon and how smart he is and does Rachel notice how is hair glistens in the sunlight? Ugh. It's ridiculous! Hayden's entire game play is literally based on Brendon's every move. Call me crazy, but Hayden has Badda-bing, the Plastics, and Kristen on his side. Why is Hayden letting one guy (who happens to be letting a showmance trump common sense) determine his future? I just don't get it. Even if Brendon wins HOH next week and Hayden goes on the block, chances are he can take himself off or win the votes to stay in the house. What makes Brendon so damn fascinating?!

The conversation goes on forever and they continually repeat themselves. In the end, Hayden says he wants a secret alliance with Rachel and Brendon even though he's still a little leery as to whether or not to trust them. And this is where it hits me. Hayden is trying to make secret alliances with everyone in the house. It's a little risky to do something like that in week 1 because people's tempers and personalities change like the wind. They're all still in the "getting to know you" phase. Week 4 or 5 is a better bet, not fucking week 1.

Then Brendon enters. Oh, for fuck's sake. They start all over again telling one another how they trust each other, how they won't nominate one another, how Brendon's pecs ripple in the pool just so... vomit. I'm so sick of these two blowing sunshine up each other's asses because you know deep down inside in the grossest part of their bowels they're just dripping with hate and feces. They go on and on and on running down the list of who they can trust and who they can't. They decide that it'd be great if Jewy won HOH next week because he'll go after all the people who fucked with him this week and then the blood will be on his hands, not Hayden or Brendon's. They agree that Jewy probably isn't Mr. Salvatore and Hayden steals Annie's line and says Jewy "sticks out like a sore thumb".

Just when I thought I was finally free of Hayden, Monet walks in. *gently thrusts barbecue skewers in between my finely painted toes* Monet wants to talk about Annie and Britney. She's heard that Annie is saying that Britney will stab her in the back. Hayden asks Monet what her gut tells her about Britney. Monet, surprisingly, replies that she doesn't trust Britney. OK then... Hayden doesn't trust her, Annie doesn't trust her, Monet doesn't trust her... put the bitch on the block and be done with it! But no, that would make too much sense. Instead, Monet assures Hayden that if Annie goes on the block, she's going home. Hayden is pleased and says he thinks Annie is Mr. Salvatore. Then, the feeds get cut. Why is it that whenever Hayden mentions that Annie is Mr. Salvatore, BB cuts the feeds? Are they nervous that Hayden will bring up the DR again or is Annie being protected in some way?

(Rachel post POV Ceremony)

Finally, we get to the POV Ceremony. Of course we didn't see it, but from what I can tell it was a doozy dripping with deliciousness. Brendon removed himself from the block, Hayden nominated Annie, and I think Annie unleashed on Britney in front of everyone calling her a liar and blaming her for all the ills in the world. Sounds fabulous, right? The weirdest part though is that now Rachel is crying. Rachel? Apparently, she's so overwhelmed with the emotional weight of the POV Ceremony that she just breaks down and loses it. Meanwhile, Annie is flipping off the cameras, asking BB for vodka, and packing her bags muttering to herself how she should have never come on this show.

This is where I get pissed off. Annie has 4 days. Count 'em... 1,2,3,4... to make something happen and change people's minds. Anything can happen from now until Thursday. People are already uncomfortable with Brendon and Rachel being so tight. It's not impossible to break them up. There's still a chance. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I hate it when people give up and accept their fate. Fight, think outside the box, mess with people's minds, plant lies, but, for crying out loud, don't give up!

Apparently, Lane feels just like I do. He encourages Annie to calm down and not give up. Annie snaps back telling him that Britney has everyone in the house wrapped around her little finger, including Lane. Meanwhile, Rachel is still crying saying how blessed she is to be there and how she doesn't want to talk behind people's backs and campaign against Annie. Bitch please! Why are you on Big Brother then? Rachel seems like a nice person and I don't really have a problem with her, but I can't for the life of me figure out why she's in this house. She doesn't want to talk crap, she doesn't want to campaign, and she doesn't want to backstab. All she wants to do is cuddle and make out. She should have applied for The Real World then or maybe The Bachelorette.

Up in the HOH room, Lane is talking about how he wants Annie to calm down and reveal all she knows before she leaves. Ok, am I insane or does Annie really not know all that much? It's only been a few days. Why does everyone think this chick has insight into everyone's game play? I seriously think either everyone in this damn house is fucking nuts or there is a secret feed full of all sorts of strategic secrets that I'm not privy to. Annie's just kind of annoying and phony. That's all! She's not psychic, she's not reading tea leaves behind everyone's back, and she's not this giant well of information. She's just a girl with saggy boobs and a weird spine who talks a little too much. It's really amazing how completely off everyone is in reading each other. The only instinct everyone has that's right is the one telling them not to trust Britney. Are they paying attention to it? No! They're pushing it down as hard as they can and ignoring it. *throws hands up in the air*

An hour or so later and Annie is back up in the HOH with Hayden. She doesn't understand how her going home benefits Helmet Head. Neither do I. She's furious that Britney lies and gets rewarded. She's tired of being isolated and targeted when there are others in the house backstabbing and whispering. She tells Hayden that if everyone keeps ignoring Britney and letting her have her way she could go on to win this thing. Finally, she asks Hayden if there's anything she can do to stay. Hayden tells her she has 4 days. Annie pauses and then says, "This Britney thing is driving me crazy!" *sigh* Yes Annie, Britney is the devil and we all hate her, but there's nothing you can do about it now. You, my dear, yes you, are on the block not Britney. Hayden tells her to lay off the Britney thing cuz it's not going to get her anywhere and will probably be a disservice to Annie in the end.

Fast forward to a little later... Annie is now crying to Brendon. She says she has no chance of staying and that she upheaved her entire life to be there. She's only going to make $775 and that doesn't even cover one month's rent. She's furious that she tried in the comps, talked to people, and was honest. She says she should have been weak and kept her mouth shut. I don't know about the weak part, but, yes, keeping your mouth shut might have been a good idea. Brendon tries his best to console her and tells her he wishes he could help. Annie snaps at him and says, "You're choosing a showmance, do you get that?!" LOL Ok that was funny. Funny and true. Brendon ignores the comment and tells Annie she was good enough to get on the show. Annie sighs and says she quit her job, paid money to get to L.A., and has probably lost all her friends at home. Drama queen.

By the time evening comes, Annie is still doing her "Annie thing" and the Have-Nots are obsessed with food. They get to eat at midnight so they literally spend hours planning how they'll stuff their faces. Rachel says she wants to make a pizza with macaroni and cheese on top and ice cream on the side. I have no idea if she ever carried out her culinary plans because I passed out from the boredom.

Big shout out to DixieDoll who said I write like a "raunchy prison inmate". I've made an appointment and I'm getting that phrase tattoed on my ass by the end of the day. Thanks bitch!

So, do you guys want Annie to find a way to stay in the house? Who do you now think is Mr. Salvatore? Will Kristen ever revert back to her human form? Does Andrew have a chance in hell in winning HOH? Will Hayden and Brendon ride off into the sunset together? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Mr. Salvatore Strikes Again!

It was just your average regular day in sunny California yesterday. The palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze, people in thongs rollerbladed on a pier, Ass Licker took some more ridonkulous pictures of herself. All was peaceful. All was typical. Until... *drum roll please* Mr. Salvatore struck again!!! Dun dun DUN!

Mr. Salvatore is the name I've given to the Saboteur since the nitwits in the house have no idea how to pronounce the word "saboteur". I'm thinking he's tall, lean, has green eyes, strokes his goatee a lot, and wears a cape. His footwear is impeccable, he doesn't care for lima beans, and he may or may not have a foot fetish.

OK so yesterday at roughly 1:30 pm the HG's were summoned to the Living Room to receive a message from the sexy faceless man I've invented. Feeds went down, but using my powers of intuition and random flights of fancy I was able to deduce that Mr. Salvatore told the HG's a twosome in the house exists. This twosome are lifelong friends and may have a Big Brother alliance. Well, smack my bare ass and call me Sally! I like it! Naturally, the house went nuts with all sorts of speculating. Some people on Twitter were calling bullshit while others claimed that Kathy and Britney are mother and daughter. Some smartypants overthinkers raised one eyebrow and sneered saying that there's no way a twosome could exist without us knowing about it. Surely, we would have seen them talking by now. Yeah, ok, I buy that but what if BB told them that under no circumstances were they able to have little pow-wows? I don't know. When people tell me things, people like Big Brother or men in capes, I'm inclined to believe them. I guess I like the idea that there's a secret that even Live Feeders have no knowledge of. I mean, you should have seen the chats and Twitter yesterday. Everyone sat up a little straighter, got excited, started speculating, touched themselves (I mean, I did, didn't you?), and typed madly posting all sorts of theories.

Enzo, like Joe Public, also wonders if Kathy and Britney are related. Some chatters considered that maybe Lane was Britney's boyfriend. How do you suppose Brendon and Rachel reacted? Well, they went into a bedroom to make out. I mean, wouldn't you? Yeah right. I'd be sitting in the corner talking to myself running pairs through my head. I'd be a cross between Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and that dude from Shine. I like Rachel and I don't think she deserves the crap she gets from Britney and Monet, but bitch needs to get her head in the game! I almost think she's too nice for the BB house. She's too busy having a crush and giving massages to bother with something as pesky as, oh I don't know, Big Brother! Purely to piss off the Plastics (Britney & Monet) do I want her to stay in the game. I'd like to see what she can do if, say, Brendon were to leave before her. She's not Jordan ditzy or anything, but I think she has her priorities out of whack.

So anyhow, Brendon and Rachel are hooking up and Brendon whispers, "This isn't just a showmance." Rachel coos and says, "I can't control myself." Brendon grunts, "I can barely control myself." It's not an Adrian Lyne film or anything, but I'm thinking my dream of a BB baby could finally happen. Fingers crossed for penetration.

Back in the Dining Room, Annie is sitting having a chitchat with Ragan. She wonders why it's so wrong for her to socialize and get to know everyone. She says "everyone has a story" and I'm guessing she wants to know what those stories are. I don't know. I can't figure Annie out. Again, I don't think she necessarily deserves the crap she gets, but something is off with her. Maybe she is playing parts. Maybe her personality just isn't gelling with everyone elses. I wonder if she makes friends easily in real life. Perhaps it's just a social skills thing. I'm stumped. She was so charming and confident in her interviews. I can't figure out why she's such an outcast so early.

She tells Ragan that she thinks Britney will stab her in the back in a heartbeat. Ya think? Britney would stab a puppy if it wasn't cute enough. That bitch is evil. Annie goes on to say that she's upset about the possibility of going on the block and she denies an alliance with Brendon. She finishes by telling Ragan that she thinks Enzo is playing everyone in the house and he should be watched carefully. So far, she's right on the money. She's reading everyone accurately. Maybe that's why people don't like her. I just don't know.

During this whole conversation Jewy Jewboy was up on the 2nd floor landing sitting against a wall. I couldn't figure out what he was doing up there. Was he spying, praying, playing with a dreidel? It turns out he was kinda spying. No way could he hear a word of what Annie and Ragan were saying as they were kind of whispering, but Tevya went and caused drama anyways. In a convo with Kristen he said that Annie and Ragan were talking for a WHOLE 30 minutes and they must know each other in real life. He also said over and over that he's not Mr. Salvatore. He's full of it. I really don't think Annie and Ragan know each other. It wasn't all that familiar of a conversation. It was Annie explaining herself and Ragan doing a lot of nodding. Jewy was just starting shit.

A little later Annie has a one on one with Brendon where she expresses her concerns about going on the block. Brendon promises her that he'll talk to Hayden and do what he can to keep her in the game. Brendon's such a cocky bastard that he sincerely thinks he can influence Hayden's decision. Hayden's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, but if anyone has influence over him it's more likely to be someone from Badda-bing rather than Brendon. They go on to discuss how they want Jewy to win HOH next week. They think it'd be some sort of divine justice or something. Weird. I thought Annie couldn't stand Jewy because of the whole pap smear thing? I guess she's putting game play before emotion. Excellent, but is it too late?

Outside Brendon gets his convo with Hayden. The two beefy bucks are lying in the sun talking out of the sides of their mouths trying not to attract too much attention. Hayden, who kind of can't keep a secret to save his life, is once again hinting that Annie is the one he'll nominate in order to save Rachel. If you remember yesterday Hayden was under specific instructions not to say ANYTHING alluding to the fact that Annie is the replacement. Badda-bing didn't want her running around getting inside people's heads and fucking up her eviction. So yeah Hayden is all but saying that Annie is the replacement. Brendon immediately figures out who Hayden is talking about and he suggests maybe they should bring Annie into the fold and use her to their advantage. Hayden gets all wiggy and freaked that Brendon knows it's Annie he's talking about. Dumbass shouldn't have said anything in the first place!

The convo turns from Annie to two douchebags sucking each other's dicks. Brendon tells Hayden that they're both huge targets because of their "size and appearance".*grabs a hot poker and plunges it deep into my spleen* Gross. Brendon's the worst. He's basically saying that they're big strong handsome fearsome things to behold. Gimme a break. One's a loser who's obsessed with himself and the other has a helmet for a head. They moon over each other for a little longer and the convo ends with Brendon promising not to put Hayden on the block if he wins HOH next week. Brendon conveniently neglects to tell Hayden that he might throw HOH to Jewy and that Jewy will, in turn, probably put Hayden's freaky hair on the block. Oh the drama!

This brings us to the biggest mindfuck of the day. Hayden pulls Kristen, the fleeting shapeshifter, into the HOH and they very heatedly start rambling about how Andrew knows they're together. Well, feedsters freaked, tweets were sent out, and we all sighed happily knowing we'd solved the twosome mystery. Not so fast Sparky. In what had to be the weirdest conversation of the day, Hayden and Kristen excitedly discuss having to cover something up and not two seconds later they're speculating who the twosome could be. Hold up! Are they the twosome or aren't they? Several hours later I still have no clue. One thing I do know is that Hayden and Kristen are awfully close, extremely familiar, and appear to be good friends. They were having a back and forth like they'd known each other for years. This wouldn't be so strange save the fact that Kristen is NEVER around. Sometimes she's a window, sometimes she's a bottle of water, and sometimes she's a dragonfly. Rarely is she ever in her human form. So to see her in her human form shooting the shit with a dude we never see her hang out is VERY VERY odd.

A word on Kristen: She may like to pop pimples and she may double as a couch or a coffee table, but I really dig her. She's funny, cute, personable, very smart, and I love that she's shrouded in a bit of mystery. So, here and now, I am declaring Kristen as my new favorite. Sorry Annie. You're just a little too weird. If you stick around another week, I'll reconsider, but for now, I'm hanging with Kristen.

OK so back to Hayden and the Shapeshifter. They're still in the HOH talking about everything from the twosome to Andrew to Matt to Mr. Salvatore when Hayden says that he's pretty sure that Annie is Mr. Salvatore because the DR is trying to convince him not to put her on the block. *bites fist* Ohhhh really? I was itching to hear more of course, but those BB bastards cut the feeds in addition to reprimanding Hayden for talking about his DR sessions. Seriously though, how fucked would CBS be if Mr. Salvatore ends up going home the first week? The more I think about it the more I think Mr. Salvatore was a last minute idea that wasn't thoroughly thought through. They should have waited a week to announce his existence. I don't know. It just seems very poorly fleshed out.

The two talk some more and Kristen expresses her disappointment in Monet. She claims that Monet's head isn't in the game and that she seems unconcerned she could go on the block. Kristen says that if there was any chance that she'd personally go on the block she'd do whatever she could to stay off. She wouldn't kiss ass, but she'd scheme and play... hard. I love that. There's nothing I hate more than when a player accepts their fate and refuses to fight.

Later in the night the HG's were goofing off and turning cartwheels in the backyard. Annie ends up telling Kristen about Jen, her girlfriend. Annie, like me, digs Kristen and feels like she can trust her. If Annie manages to stay I think I'd be open to an Annie/Kristen alliance. There hasn't been a really smart, really tough chick alliance in BB in a while. As I hate most of the girls this season and Rachel is preoccupied with Brendon's tongue, Annie and Kristen are my only hope.

Before the HG's went to bed, Britney was bitching about something or other, but she nauseates me so much I kind of tend to tune her out. All I know is I really want her to keep running her mouth. I'm predicting she may not last that long if she keeps being such a catty bitch.

That's it for now. What did you guys think about Mr. Salvatore's announcement? Does Annie have a chance to stay in the house? How does Hayden get his hair not to move? Are you digging Kristen too... when she's in her human form? How do you feel about the Plastics? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Shout out to JoCaPa! Thanks bitch!