Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Insane In The Membrane


Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Oh puh-lease, don't flatter yourself Albie. I have the right to express my opinion here on this little blog and my opinion is...hnmm mnmm. You know what? I don't want to talk you. I never even think about you. Science is totally ridiculous anyways. Religion is what is important in my life. Religion and my ministry. Ministering little gumballs of hate to all the ridiculous pathetic people is my true passion. Not that I even think of other people at all. They're so not worth my time and they should really stop flattering themselves. Hnmm mnmm. And I don't appreciate you sitting in your laboratory with your beakers and bunsen burners making fun of my religion. I have the right to put a stop to your hypothesizing and theorizing and jazzercising. You're just a ridiculous liar. I would never associate with someone as disgraceful as you. Hnmm mnmm. I would also never do that to you - make fun of something that's important to you. Science is like so offensive anyways. Don't flatter yourself thinking I sit here giving science a second thought. It means nothing to me. But you can't keep making defamatory remarks about my religion. I'm telling Production right now! Whatever. Let's recap, shall we?

With two feet, let's jump right in and get to the good stuff. Elvira (Elissa) is completely insane and I can't believe her nurses have let her out in public without her thorazine drip. She is a danger not only to herself, but to society as a whole. Hnmm mnmm.

We begin with Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda, McCrae and Elvira sitting outside. Elvira is talking about how she doesn't like that Howard uses his religion to further himself in the game. Her voice gets louder and louder carrying the hnmm mnmm's across the vast expanse of the backyard with reckless abandon. Andy mimes to her that she needs to lower her voice because there are other people nearby - other "friends with Howard" people. McCrae, seeing Andy motioning to Elvira to pipe down and stick a cork in it, begins to giggle to himself.

Oh shit. McCrae laughed. Elvira was talking and McCrae laughed. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!


Elvira then goes ballistic telling Andy that she can't believe he sat there and mocked her religion to her face. Como what? She says that religion and her ministry are very important parts of her life and she doesn't appreciate people belittling her passions. Andy quickly tells her that all he was doing was trying to get her to lower her voice because she was talking loudly about Howard. Elvira purses her duck lips and says, "Whatever. You know I would never make fun of something that was important to you. I don't appreciate you making fun of my religion." She then gets up and walks inside mumbling to herself about how offended she is.


With Elvira safely inside, Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda and McCrae all look at one another quizzically. Andy asks the group, "What the fuck just happened?" Amanda says, "I think she misinterpreted it." Andy explains to them that all he was trying to do was to get Elvira to lower her voice. Andy sighs to himself and says, "I better go fix things." Amanda then motions to McCrae to go with Andy.


The two boys head inside to the bathroom to wait for Elvira to finish her Colace shits (Colace is a laxative often used in mental institutions because medications can make patients constipated).

When Elvira finally emerges from the toilet, Andy says, "Come here when you're done." Elvira snaps, "I don't want to talk to you guys. Like, that was so rude." McCrae then jumps in and tells her that she was getting loud outside and they were trying to discreetly tell her to lower her voice when she was talking about Howard. Elvira barks, "Howard wasn't even there!" Andy replies, "VaGina (GinaMarie) was!" Elvira snorts, "Whatever."




Andy apologizes again and tells her that what happened wasn't about religion at all. And here is where Elvira opened up her skull and released the alien living inside of it, "Don't flatter yourself! I would never put on a show for any of you. Religion is something very important to me." *scratches head* What the hell is this bitch talking about? I mean... what. the. hell.


McCrae again insists they weren't laughing at her but Elvira just keeps rolling her eyes. Andy interrupts them both and says, "Hang on just a sec. I'll explain what happened. Howard is in a secret alliance with VaGina and Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and you were talking about Howard using his religion and they were right there. That's why I was like..." Elvira interrupts him and snaps, "I don't do that! So to laugh about it is like..." Andy interjects, "McCrae was laughing at ME because I was trying to tell you to lower your voice." Andy tries to explain again and again how this psychotic hosebeast was squawking too loud, but she refuses to hear it. Refuses!

Andy tells her, "I would never make fun of your religion. I think you carry your religion amazingly." Whatever that means. Elvira replies, I would never do that to you guys... make fun of something that's important to you." Seriously folks, it's like talking to a brick wall. A psychotic botox-filled brick wall. The conversation ends when Jessie trundles in and tells them they're being loud. Elvira makes a quick escape while Andy and McCrae simply stare at each other and wonder to themselves what the hell just happened.


We then fast forward to a mandatory lockdown where all of the Houseguests have to wait in the HOH room. Amanda, for some reason, takes this as an opportunity to pluck her bikini line. A note to all the women out there: NEVER pluck! It makes more hairs grow. Anyhow, Amanda is sitting in the shower taming her forest when Elvira enters and joins her. She immediately begins to moan about how everything everyone says in the house totally offends her. She reveals that she even asked Production to let her go home the first week. And then, like clockwork, she brings up the religion thing again.


Amanda tries to explain to her what happened, but Elvira doesn't want to hear it. She tells Amanda proudly that she told Andy not to flatter himself and that he means nothing to her. Remember these lines because they're just about all Elvira has in her arsenal. Elvira sighs again and says, "I'm going to tell them I want to go home." Amanda asks, "Andy and McCrae?" Elvira replies, "No, Production. I shouldn't be subjected to defamatory remarks like this." The feeds go to fish and I take the break as my opportunity to pluck out my own eyeballs with a melon baller.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, the feeds return before I'm able to start scooping. They return and I hear that voice saying, "Everything in my life is so good. Hnmm mnmm. I don't need this. This is so stupid." Amanda gently asks her if she is OK with Andy. Elvira says he's so stupid and it's obvious that he's lying to her. And then, once again, she starts with the whole, "I shouldn't have to be made uncomfortable for my religion. I feel weird reading my Bible now." WHAT IS SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! No one said anything about her religion! No one insulted her! No one breathed on her or looked at her wrong... *yanks hair out* 

But she's not done! There's more!

"We're on this show for 3 months. Can't you not hold it together and not make defamatory comments on religion or race? I've never been around a group of deceitful people, just like, lack of etiquette, like social graciousness. I'm going to talk to them (Production) after this. This is like ridiculous. It's the most important thing in my life and it's not funny. Hnmm mnmm. I don't want Andy to apologize. It's rude and it never should have come out of his mouth."


How Amanda didn't attack Elvira viciously with her tweezers, I'll never know. And how Amanda managed to say, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt" with a straight face is an even greater mystery. And I hope you didn't think Elvira was actually done, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT!!!

"I think I'm created from a higher power and that's what I believe in. I have never been in such a disgrace. This is disgraceful. I'm building a ministry. They shouldn't flatter themselves. They don't matter anything to my life. It's like totally disrespectful."

I shit you not, the crazy continues for like another 10 hours. After the HOH lockdown is over, Elvira immediately goes to the DR to get one of her microchips replaced.


When Elvira emerges from the DR, she makes a bee line for Eyebrows in the kitchen. The two stand at the sink and Elvira tells her that if she doesn't confront everyone in the house, she'll be going home this week. She says that Aryan is spreading a rumor that Eyebrows is in a secret alliance with Howard and Spencer. Lies. Lies, lies, lies. Aryan didn't say anything. Truth be told, it was J-U-DD. But, if you'll remember, Elvira was just in the DR and Production is doing everything they can to get rid of Aryan this week. So, basically, they fed Elvira a bunch of bullshit, gave her some instructions, and let her loose on the house. She is their puppet. She is a mole. She is in the house to manipulate the game and control the outcome. She is privy to everyone's secrets and she is personally guided on how to navigate through week after week. If this doesn't bother you, you're just as insane as she is.


Anyhow, as Elvira is feeding Eyebrows this line of bullshit, Aryan overhears it all in the bathroom. She immediately goes to Helen and tells her that Elvira has told Eyebrows she's going home. Helen's eyes bug out of her head as she says, "I have no idea what Elvira is up to." I do! She wants Aryan gone and Production is helping her do it! Christ, even Aryan knows what's going on. She tells Helen that Elvira wants her out of the house so bad that she's purposely screwing everything up. If you have the Live Feeds, then you know that Elvira is part of an alliance that is planning on voting out Eyebrows this week. What Elvira just did in the kitchen was betray her alliance in an effort to serve her own selfish desire to get rid of Aryan.

Meanwhile, Eyebrows is freaking out because she thought she was safe all this time. She flits from person to person telling them how Elvira told her she's probably going home unless she confronts the whole house in a house meeting.


And that's just what we get a house meeting. Or what I like to call, diving into the bell jar. With everyone gathered in one of the bedrooms, Helen asks Elvira what's going on. VaGina jumps in and starts cracking up hysterically, "Yo, yo, yo, Imma supposed to like be in a alliance with all youse peoples. ahahahahaha!!!!" J-U-DD shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I hummina hummina stay up late at night ahummina hummina." Elvira announces, "You guys are nuts. I'm sick of everyone lying to me. Aryan needs to go."


Cue Aryan walking into the bedroom. There is an incredibly long discussion about whether or not Elvira said Aryan's name at all when talking to Eyebrows in the kitchen. She did, but Elvira insists she didn't. And since Aryan overheard the kitchen conversation, Aryan insists, "I heard you say my name! Eyebrows, you told me she said my name. Tell her what you said." Eyebrows then crawls under the chair and hides. Elvira turns to Aryan smugly, "I don't know why you're attacking me. You always twist my words. This has nothing to do with you!" Aryan replies, "You said my name. It has everything to do with me." Elvira chews her face and says, "Don't flatter yourself! I never even think about you. You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore."

The demented dance continues and it goes something like this...


Aryan: I'm so sick of you making shit up about me.
Elvira smiles.
Aryan: Why are you doing this to me?
Elvira: Get a life! You're attacking me!
Helen: Aryan is telling the truth.
Aryan: I'm so sick of rumors being made up about me.
VaGina: Nick! I love you Nick! Holla for a dolla!
Elvira: Aryan told people she was safe this week!
Aryan: I never said that!
Elvira: Why are you even talking to me? I never think about you. Stop flattering yourself!
Aryan sighs.
Elvira: It's not all about you! This has nothing to do with you! Hnmm mnmm.
Elvira: I can't be in this house with Aryan!
Eyebrows whimpers.
VaGina: We're all like genuine people here. Ya know.
Elvira: Aryan just attacked me and I refuse to be manipulated like this!
And... scene!

The meeting disperses and only one thing is for sure... Elvira, time for your meds!


In the Storage Room, it is finally dawning on Helen that Elvira is Queen of the Shit Stirring People. She clutches her head and moans, "She's ruining everything!" Andy replies, "She's a loose cannon. She's pushing her own agenda of getting Aryan out and not the alliance's agenda."



Meanwhile, Aryan is shaken to the core with frustration. Aryan may be an ignorant twit who doesn't know much about race relations or tact, but she doesn't deserve Elvira's twisted manipulations. There's a difference between saying something mean out of ignorance and saying something mean out of malice. Aryan is ignorant. Elvira is malicious. Ignorance can be eradicated over time with education and understanding (and, believe me, Aryan will get herself one hell of an education when she leaves the house). Malice is something within you, a part of you. Malice cares not of the consequences. Sociopathic personalities like Elvira will never learn from their mistakes because, to them, they simply don't make mistakes! Let's just say, it takes a pretty awful person to make us sympathize with someone who was formerly the house pariah. But sympathize we did. We looked at Aryan being manipulated unfairly and it angered us.

The madness didn't end there and Elvira continued to assault even likable people like J-U-DD. She told him to his face that he was a crazy ridiculous liar. Clearly, all of this was Elvira desperately trying to get Aryan out of the house this week. Unfortunately for her, I think her plan backfired. Had she not lost it earlier in the day over the stupid religion thing, the house might have been more likely to believe her. She shot herself in the foot though when she called Andy, harmless Jazz Hands Andy, a manipulative liar. Nice try Elvira. You need to reel in the crazy not roll it out.

So, what did you guys think of yesterday's shenanigans? Why did Elvira go batshit crazy over the religion stuff? How much instruction did the DR give her before she attacked Aryan? Will Elvira strike again today? Who do you think is going home this week, Aryan or Eyebrows? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.





Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Who's Cooler Than Me?


Yo yo yo, wuss up mah bitches! I'm here to blow some shit up, yo. I'll be like, "Julie Chen, I came to play and I played cuz I'm a playa. You can take that to the bank!" It's cool, it's cool. It's all good. I like it. And I'm good looking too. I got pink sneakahs on. Who's cooler than me? Nobody. That's who! I take it as a fuckin' compliment muthafucka. People are scared of me cuz I played fuckin' real and I played truthful. Ain't nobody real as me. No one can argue with that. New Yawk represent! Wut wut! If I go, I getta go see my boy. Nick, I love you! I had such a connection with that kid. We didn't touch or nuthin' but our souls touched, you know what I mean? It's like some outer space shit. Two stars or some shit that like find each others. Imma gonna wear his hat cuz there's like some osteoporosis powers in it like he can read my thoughts. I tawk to him with my brains. An' I may not be all that smart, but I got heart. *beats chest* I also don't got one of them ukeleles in my throat so I can swallow him whole, bitches. Yeah! Let's muthafuckin' recap this shit, shall we?

The day begins with a nervous tension in the air. A thick and suffocating swirl of thoughts... Who will be the replacement nominee?... What could America possibly be thinking? It turns out that America, just this once, did something right. After all the speculations and worries and guesses, we discover that VaGina (GinaMarie) has been nominated for eviction. Live Feeders breathed a sigh of relief while the Houseguests scratched their heads in confusion. You see, the Houseguests believe that VaGina is delightfully entertaining to mouth breathers like ourselves. Sitting at home catching flies and licking the wallpaper we can't help but light up every time VaGina struts onscreen and scratches herself. We're charmed by her ability to swallow slop balls whole. And when the funk of her plaid pants permeates through the television screen, we inhale her musky aroma with wild abandon. As if!


So, while the Houseguests are stunned and confused, VaGina is quiet and stewing. She plops down on the bed, covers her eyes with sunglasses, and pouts. Only after a few minutes of fighting away the tears does she speak, "These are the best lookin' nominations ever. The three prettiest girls are on the block! I'm in good company." Helen and Andy smile awkwardly and nod as VaGina continues, "It's alright. It's all good. People are timidated by me an' I get that. I'm a strong competitor. I got respect. You scared of me? Punks gotta nominate they biggest threat an' thats me." Um, sweet cheeks, you deep throated an ice cream machine. You didn't split the atom. If every competition from here on out is which food industry machine can you swallow, then, yes, you are a formidable competitor.


After of 20 minutes of VaGina telling everyone how flattered she is to be nominated, the room disperses and we are left with J-U-DD and VaGina. J-U-DD lies on the bed next to VaGina and mumbles that she has to lay low this week. He tells her she's not going anywhere, but it's important that she doesn't ruffle any feathers between now and Thursday. He tells her there are much fish in the house to fry this week than her. VaGina replies, "I think Elissa put me up." J-U-DD ignores her and tells her that she should get zero votes this week. VaGina tells him that she's not in the mood to tawk to anybody. She just wants to stay in bed, in the filthy sheets she refuses to wash, and think about Nick. She tells J-U-DD that she wishes he had nominated her for eviction from the get go so she would have been able to compete in POV. Later, she adds, "Even though I wouldn't have won it." (Because it was designed for Elvira (Elissa) to win.)

J-U-DD continues to croon in her ear telling her to lay low. He says his HOH would be an entire waste if VaGina ends up going home. Eyebrows (Kaitlin) then enters and tells them that Elvira was eavesdropping on a conversation she was having with somebody. She sighs to herself and reveals that she probably said the worst things about Elvira while she was listening through the door. Eyebrows worries that she'll be Elvira's target next week.

Turning her attention to VaGina, Eyebrows tells her that her going on the block must be part of some elaborate plan to seal Aryan's fate and send her home this week. J-U-DD nods and says, "I think VaGina will be the zero vote this week." Eyebrows replies, "You think I'm going to have votes now?" J-U-DD answers, "Yeah, a couple." Eyebrows laments, "That's so annoying!" VaGina sighs to herself, "If the house wanted to put up someone nice, why didn't they put up Andy?"


J-U-DD steals away from the weeping VaGina to have a little chat with Helen. The two are discussing how it might be a better idea to get rid of Eyebrows this week instead of Aryan. Helen says that she'll tell Elvira that Eyebrows is after her and that should make Elvira flip to wanting Eyebrows gone. Similarly, Amanda and Andy also want Eyebrows gone this week. So, while the plan was initially to get rid of Aryan, chances are she'll be safe this week... which is awesome! Despite her cross burning and perpetual whining, the little racist is actually growing on me. Not only did she stand up for Amanda this weekend, but she hates Elvira with a vile passion. Therefore, I can look past her minor inadequacies. I can get over the nitpicking and I can concentrate on the bigger picture. Aryan is more entertaining than Eyebrows. Plain and simple. I need that little bigot for her votes and her gossip.


After discussing this week's vote with J-U-DD, Helen scurries over to Eyebrows to make sure she feels comfortable and safe this week. The two discuss the plans for next week which, according to Helen, is to get rid of Howard. By talking about the future with Eyebrows, Eyebrows is lulled into a false sense of security.

The afternoon continues lazily as the Houseguests sun themselves and frolic in the pool as VaGina naps in the dead skin cells of her long lost beloved Nick.


But later, later! Up in the HOH room, a gaggle of HG's are discussing how weird the MVP nominations were this week. Spencer is convinced that America probably voted for who went on the block, but J-U-DD isn't so sure especially since the VaGina nomination was so strange. They discuss how there is no way to know how they're being edited for the show. Hearing all of this, Elvira's face contorts and crinkles into a sad paper bag. She asks, "Do you think America doesn't like me?" And then as if to erase that icky thought from her mind, she tells everyone that she's positive she has more supporters than haters. Spencer nods, "You're probably right." But this reply doesn't please Elvira. This reply doesn't satisfy her innermost need to be constantly adored.

With the anger and panic rising up where her kundalini should be, Elvira whines that the room is making her feel like America doesn't like her. Helen quickly jumps in to the rescue, "I don't think America would put a mom on the block." (What the hell is she talking about?) J-U-DD replies, "I don't think being a mom matters." Elvira then sneers, "I don't think Production would trust America to make a decision like that." Oh really? Production trusts us to pick an MVP every week and you've had no problems with that so far, Twisted Sister.

Elvira continues to think to herself while the others wonder if VaGina is being edited to look like a slob pining for Nick all the time. Since they're talking about VaGina, it means they're not talking about Elvira. Cue the tears!


"It hurts that people might not like me. What about my son? I don't want anyone making fun of him. Hnmm mnmm. He's such a treasure. What if they're editing me to make me look like a psychotic freak who does opium in the DR, unh? I don't think that's fair that America can put me on the block based on an edit. Only the people that love me should be allowed to vote, mnm. Everyone makes fun of me in here. I've had the hardest time out of all of you, hnmm mnmm. I just don't want anyone making fun of my little treasure son. I wanna go home!"

Immediately, the room rushes to encircle the leaky piece of plastic. They all assure her over and over again that everyone loves her and how she has so many fans. Helen rubs Elvira's legs and says, "You're the hottest one in the house! You're the one everyone wants to see on a magazine cover." Elvira replies, "Mnmm." Spencer and J-U-DD tell her that she won all those MVP's so her edit must be pretty good. Listening to all of this and dabbing her eyelids, Elvira hnmm mnmm's her way back to happiness. Whew, that was a close one! You can never not shower Elvira with constant attention. If you look anywhere other than in her direction, her precious treasure son will be bullied in school. Kindly remember that and never take your eyes off of her again. Thank you.

And that's where I'll end this today. As of now, both Eyebrows and Aryan believe they are safe but Aryan is pretending like she is going home. If nothing major happens between now and Thursday, Eyebrows and her bloody vagina will be trundling on out the door. Anger and suspicion over Howard continues to grow and, hopefully, he'll find himself on the block and out the door next. Fingers crossed!

So, what do you think of VaGina being the replacement nomination? Would you rather Eyebrows or Aryan went home? You didn't sleep last night did you? You were supposed to be drooling over Elvira, you bastards! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Feeds are only $9.99 a month now!

CBS Interactive Inc.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Hnmm Mnmm


I   like   thiiiink   that   all   of   you   are   soooo   disgusting. Hnmm mnmm. Whooores   and   sluuuts   annnd... where did I put my granolaaa? Unh. Maybe   laterrr   I'll   do   some   yogaaa, mnmm, or   maybe   I'll... you know, I   don't   appreciate the look you're   giving   me   right   nowww. Hnmm mnmm. I left my family   to come   here. My little boy   is suuuch a treasure. Who   made   these   cookiesss? I'm only going to have   one, hnmm mnmm. *eats a dozen* I like  think   it's   really ruuude   that you left   those   cookiesss on the counter   for me   to eat. Pine cone. You should probably  like   apologize   to   me, mnmm. The   fact that you're   such a nonentity   is   so   ruuude of you. Hnmm mnmm. Will   youuu wrap   my   head in   tin foilll? Uhn. Do it   tiiighterrrr, mnmm, I feel liiiike... ceiling faaan unh... what   are   you   doinnnng? Why   did   you   wraaap   me in   tin foilll? I said   duct taaaape. Hnmm mnmm. If you   sayyy you're   sorrry, I can for... maldehyde. That's   what   they   put   dead  baaabies innn, unh . Or   maybe   you put   some in   your cookiessss. If you're   goinnng to   beeee aggressive with  mee, fabric softener. Hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, unh, shall wweee? Hnmm mnmm.

If any of that made any sense to you, you are far better people than I. You also probably do a lot of drugs. Nevertheless! Nevertheless, we have another fun-filled day in the Big Brother house to tackle. Let's begin bright and early at 7am. This is not by choice, mind you. This is because Helen's prancercizing is keeping me from sleeping! *clomp clomp clomp... swish swish... clomp* Helen's 8pm curfew may bring us some much needed peace in the nighttime, but it also means she's bright-eyed and ready to go at the buttcrack of dawn. After endless clippety-clopping around the house, Helen ponies her way into Elvira's (Elissa) room, "Oh good, you're awake!" "I wasn't... hnmm mnmm. You're soooo louddd."


After another quick 15 jumping jacks, Helen scurries up on Elvira's bed for a whisper sesh. Helen sighs and can't believe that Elvira isn't able to play in the next POV. Elvira replies, "I just need to win HOH, uhn." And, you know what? Something tells me she will. Something in my groins or my guts is telling me that next week will be a grueling Ashtanga Yoga/Reilly Trivia Endurance Competition... "Are you ready, Houseguests? Surya Namaskara to Padangushthasana to Utthita Trikonasana to the Reilly Family Tree where you must identify Rachel's 2nd cousin once removed. Go!" Yeah, I have a feeling that Elvira unable to play in the next POV will be no problem at all for the lass.

Helen suggests to Elvira that maybe they should try to help Howard or Jessie win HOH so they'll get rid of Amanda while Helen and Elvira keep the blood of their hands. Speaking of Amanda, Elvira thinks Amanda is the MVP that nominated her. Now, you and I both know better than that. You and I know that we were the MVP. We also know that after last night's CBS edit, Amanda is most likely the third replacement nominee. It's either that or she's simply a tool in the "Let's make Howard look charming and untouchable so he wins it all" plan. Either way, I'm not happy about it.


Next Helen chasses over to Andy and without any hesitation whatsoever she launches into a lecture about how Amanda and McCrae wanted her to put up Howard last week. Earlier, Helen whispered under the door to J-U-DD and he told her that he was upset at how Amanda and McCrae are pressuring him to put up Howard this week. All along J-U-DD thought Aryan was the target. And, according to Helen, J-U-DD is frustrated and upset at how Amanda and McCrae appear to be running the show. I didn't see the conversation between Helen and J-U-DD myself, but Helen has a knack for exaggeration so take anything she says with a grain of salt.

Helen then tells Andy that she think Amanda will put her up if she wins HOH next week. Andy immediately shakes his head and disagrees. He tells her that that isn't true at all (and he's right). Helen again reiterates how angry J-U-DD is with Amanda. She warns Andy that they need to be extremely careful when dealing with Amanda and McCrae, "We have to be really careful. I trust McCrae, but we have to be really careful."

Elvira then enters the bathroom and tells Helen and Andy that she's been paying attention to who gets called into the Diary Room. She thinks this will reveal who the real MVP is. She also tells them that she doesn't particularly like talking to Howard because he always talks in circles and it bothers her, hnmm mnmm. Before leaving the bathroom, Elvira reiterates that Aryan is still the target this week.


As Elvira leaves, Jessie enters and is just itching to tell Helen and Andy all about McCrae's birthday party last night. Before Jessie can tell them about how rude Elvira was to Amanda, Elvira reenters the bathroom forcing Jessie to just talk about the party in general. Jessie says, "It was super scandalous." Elvira nods and agrees. First off, it wasn't the least bit scandalous. Everyone was involved in it. Everyone was cracking up. Basically, Amanda put on a one piece bathing suit and pretended she was a dominatrix. Spencer and Howard held McCrae captive as Amanda kissed McCrae's torso 24 times. She then spanked McCrae with a plastic spoon 24 times as everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, counted very loudly from 1 to 24. The party was fantastic and everyone was laughing, giggling and having a great time. It was probably the happiest I've ever seen the house. McCrae even announced to everyone that it was his best birthday ever. No one's clothes came off. No sex acts were performed. It was just a group of people having a blast.

The problems came about because Elvira is a heinous bitch who can't stand not being the center of attention. After the spankings were over, someone in the room (I can't remember who, but it wasn't Amanda) suggested that Amanda put whipped cream between her breasts and let McCrae lick it off. Amanda laughs and then we hear it... from just off camera, "If you dooo thaaat, I'm going to vommmiiit. Hnmm mnmm. That's so disgusssting, unh." The entire mood of the room immediately shifted to an awkward silence. Amanda sat in the chair trying not to look hurt and says, "That was rude." But Elvira wasn't done. Oh no siree bob. Elvira then launched into a rant about how gross one piece bathing suits are and why would anyone anywhere in the world ever wear one. Amanda, sitting there IN A ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, mumbles an excuse about how she left something downstairs and she quickly leaves the HOH room. Once downstairs, she breaks down in tears.

(Bacchanalia)

Jessie's version of the story made the party sound like an Bacchanalian orgy full of hedonism. It wasn't! And, if I recall correctly, Jessie was clapping and singing and chanting along with everyone else. Hearing Jessie's version of the party, Helen shakes her head and says, "I'm so glad I wasn't there. I don't want my husband seeing that. He wouldn't approve." Bitch, shut up.

Jessie then tells Helen that when Amanda was downstairs crying, Aryan, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and VaGina (GinaMarie) were the ones comforting her and talking shit about Elvira. Jessie says they need to be careful of Amanda now because the other side of the house is clearly trying to recruit her.

Outside, McCrae's birthday party is still a hot topic. With righteous Helen constantly jabbering on and on about how glad she is that she wasn't there because of her curfew, the others have no choice but to agree with her and tsk tsk tsk over Amanda's behavior. Spencer even shakes his head saying that he'd never be involved in something he wouldn't want his family to see. Oh really, Spencer? Is that why you were grinning ear to ear at the party? Is that why you were doing the white man's dance and cheering during the band-aid striptease last week? Is that why you leer creepily at Jessie's ass and make remarks about how you want to eat her tampon? You sure are a paradigm of pious behavior. Your girlfriend and family should be very proud about how you told J-U-DD to finger Jessie so you could smell his fingers. And wasn't it just last night you said, "I'm in a secret alliance with Jessie's nipples." Shut your trap, you hypocrite.


The puritanical bullshit party continues with Helen repeating, "I'm so glad I was in bed. I'm so glad I wasn't there. I'm so glad I went to sleep." Perhaps Jessie began to realize how much Helen was blowing everything out of proportion because she begins to change her tune and say how entertaining Amanda was. She says Amanda is so funny and outgoing that she reminds her of Chelsea Handler. Jessie says that Amanda's fun personality might help her with a career in comedy. Helen shrugs her shoulders while Spencer leered up Jessie's shorts from behind his sunglasses.


Inside, Candice and Elvira are in the Storage Room. Word has gotten back to Elvira that she made Amanda cry last night so she begins to push Candice for information. Candice tells Elvira that she hurt Amanda's feelings last night. She says perhaps the all the alcohol Elvira consumed was to blame. Elvira then says, "I wasn't drunk at all last night. I only had one glass of wine." Ha! Not. Elvira was flicking off the cameras, telling all the producer's to eff themselves and she even started talking about the wives of the crew. She better hope for her sake that she was drunk. Otherwise, she's truly psychotic. Andy then enters the room, "Heyyyy!" Elvira turns to Andy and asks him why Amanda was crying. Andy tells her the same thing Candice did, "Amanda's feelings were hurt."


Candice, now with a serious case of Helen-itis, heads outside to tell her version of the birthday party. She begins by telling Helen that what Amanda did wasn't the least bit scandalous. She says that Amanda was in a leotard and there was nothing distasteful going on at all. Candice continues and tells Helen how Elvira was calling Amanda a whore and saying she was disgusting. So far, Candice is being accurate and I felt a little proud of her for telling the truth. But then, she loses my pride and claims that Amanda ran downstairs crying and was being a total drama queen. She claims that Amanda was "acting". Ugh.

So I've watched the party a few times now and, like I said before, when Amanda got upset she left the room all alone. It was Aryan and Eyebrows who entered the bathroom and found out that Amanda was crying in the toilet. Aryan and Eyebrows consoled Amanda which then turned into all of them bitching about Elvira. Aryan was relieved that finally everyone could see what she's being saying all along about Elvira - Elvira is a mean girl.

The game of Telephone continues on and on with Candice stopping to chat with everyone about Amanda just like Helen did. Let's fast forward a bit to where Amanda is finally awake. She quickly discovers that this Elvira "whore" thing has become an issue. She tells Helen she is completely over it and doesn't want it to be a big deal today. Last night her feelings were hurt, but today she's not going to hold a grudge about it. Helen advises Amanda to talk it out with Elvira. Hearing this, McCrae nods and tells Amanda that they need Elvira's vote for the numbers.


Elvira eventually comes outside and sits on the couch next to Amanda. Amanda tells Elvira straight up that the comments about the whipped cream hurt Amanda's feelings. Amanda said that at the time she interpreted it as an attack on her weight. It also didn't help that Elvira mentioned the Spearmint Rhino (a strip club) when she was trash talking Amanda. Amanda tells Elvira that she's body conscious being bigger than the other girls and that Elvira's comments made her feel like her sexuality was disgusting. She also tells Elvira that alcohol was probably a factor in why things turned sour. Elvira says, "I only had one glass of wine." Amanda says, "We shared the bottle. You kept flicking off the cameras and calling out the producers." Elvira insists she wasn't drunk at all. Then she looks down at the plate on her lap and says, "I have an issue with food. I've never even been to a strip club." What? What does have to do with anything?

And this is where things became very creepy. Elvira shrugs her shoulders and says, "I had nothinnnng to doooo with the strippp showww, unh. I don't understaaaand why I was brought into ittt. Hnmm mnmm." Yo, home skillet, you were brought into it because YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WAS THERE TALKING SHIT!!! Amanda replies, "What do you mean?" Elvira says, "I don't think I said anythinnng offennnsive, mnmm." Amanda brings up the one piece bathing suit crap Elvira was saying and how she interpreted it as an attack on her weight. Amanda says, "You hurt my feelings." Elvira replies, "That offends me." Wait, como what? Baking Powder? This bitch is completely insane!


Realizing she's not going to get anywhere with Elvira, Amanda apologizes to Elvira for offending her. It was horrible and frustrating and I hated watching Amanda stoop to Elvira's level. But, as McCrae warned her earlier, they need Elvira's vote. So, instead of calling out Elvira and making her own up to her remarks, Amanda apologizes and the two hug it out. It was a mind boggling scene that you should Flashback if you haven't seen it. The ability Elvira has to turn herself into a victim is a fearsome thing to behold.

Later that evening, when VaGina approached Elvira for making fun of her for not having a college degree, the same thing happened again. VaGina ended up complimenting Elvira , chit chatting about hair extensions and apologizing to her. It was truly bizarre and horror movie scary.

So, that's that for yesterday. Elvira is completely insane, but she somehow gets away with it and makes people kiss her ass. Today we find out who goes up in her place on the block. While I hope it's not Amanda, the target for this week is still Aryan. Elvira is hellbent on getting Aryan out of the game as soon as possible. Will something happen between now and then to change things up? Probably.

So, what did you think of the birthday party? Were you grossed out watching Amanda apologize to Elvira? Who do you think will be the third replacement nominee? Is Elvira even human? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.