Friday, June 24, 2016

This is me. In all my beauty.

Much like the United Kingdom wanting and gaining their independence from the European Union, the United States of America once sought their independence from the United Kingdom. "We don't want you anymore," the Thirteen Colonies declared. "We can do this all on our own so you take your stinky monarchs and leave us be!" The sentiment is a familiar one. It is one I have been feeling myself for the last 7 days. I don't want you Returning Houseguests! I don't need you dictating this game to me. You've had your chance. Now bugger off and leave me alone. Let's recap, shall we?

First things first, Sleeping Beauty here went to bed around 11pm and woke up around 6am so I have very little to go on. This recap will be bare bones, but once I catch up and get the gist of what's going on in the house, Saturday's Big Brother Gossip Show will be WAY more detail oriented. Also... I cannot blog everyday. I will not blog everyday. Blogging is what I suspect caused my herniated disk in my lower back so, you know, do the math. When did I cut down on the blogging significantly? When my back got all screwed up! It is literally painful for me to sit and write. Sitting for long periods of time messes up my back for the entire day and since I'm a really slow writer and a super active fitness nut, it's pretty awful for me. I've kept that to myself for the past few years, but you guys need to know what the deal is and that's the deal. Thank goddess for the Podcast because I can keep everyone updated on the house hijinks and I don't have to be wincing in pain hunching over a laptop while I do it. I will try to blog as much as I can, but I don't want to hear the bitching if it's not on the regular. 

Big Brother 18 opens with a hiss. A snarl if you will. Da'vonne sits in the Living Room holding court with Jozea and Zakiyah. She has a constant side eye. A permanent scowl. I don't know what happened to this chick between last season and this one, but she's pretty miserable. She's a jerk on the CBS show and there is nothing pleasant at all watching her act like she has some big score to settle. Day, a little wake up call, you went home SECOND last season. You didn't even come close to winning. So calm down with the bad attitude and stop acting like you're Inigo Montoya. Nobody killed your father. Slow your roll. 

As we were saying, Day, who has turned into a total jerk, is complaining about how live feeders harassed her for leaving her child last season to go into the Big Brother house. Apparently, they would send her tweets calling her a horrible mother. You guys, don't do that! Who the hell do you think you are? It is not for you to judge whether or not someone is a good mother. We can dissect Day for everything she does in the house, but harassing her online makes you a horrible person. The scene in the Living Room ends with Day announcing, “I’m so glad I got that out before these damn feeds turned on!” Uh yeah, so the HG's literally have no idea that they've been live for about 30 minutes. They know the feeds will turn on at any moment, but they don't know when. They are under the assumption that an announcement will be made. 

In the Kitchen, the mood is merry with some of the HG's making peanut butter cookies while Bridgette is inexplicably dressed in a nude bikini with pieces of cardboard stuck to her “parts.” Watching her scrub a counter in this costume is a little bit like that Seinfeld episode where the naked girl tried to open the pickle jar. Everyone is chatting and getting along. It's a little disturbing. In one of the Bedrooms we see Stinky Frank and he too is in some weird loin cloth/cardboard get up. We'll later see Skeletons (Michelle) and Cody (Paulie) in the same outfits so I guess this is what the Mystery-land or -ville or  -hamlet or whatever from the Rocket Competition turned out to be. Unfortunately for us, we now have to watch a bunch of pasty freaks walking around with no clothes on. Lovely.

As it turns out, the Have-Nots are finally able to eat tonight which explains all the cooking and happiness going on in the Kitchen. Paul is positively starving and Jozea can't wait to get his hands on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Remember, he's a vegan.

Then things get interesting. In the bedroom where Stinky Frank is lying in bed we see Cody and Zakiyah sitting in the corner stroking each other’s arms! Could it be? Is this our first showmance? These are so not the people I imagined. I thought perhaps Victor, or Natalie, or Corey, but no! It's Cody and Zakiyah. As a Zakiyah fan, I'm not too thrilled about this development because of the whole, "Cody is a total pussy and really boring" thing. Let's definitely keep our eyes on this and pray that Zak - that's easier to type than Zakiyah -makes a clean getaway. 

With his hand stroking and teasing Zakiyah's hand, Cody wonders if they are allowed to talk about what happened in the week they've been in the house. Day smacks her lips and clicks her tongue all proud of herself, "I got all my stories out before the feeds turned on because I ain't gonna talk about some stuff no more." Well aren't you a charming daffodil. Please, let us all bask in the glow of your radiant sunshine.

A little later we find Skeletons lying in bed with James. Zak, Day and Tiffany are in the room as well. Skeletons says that she thinks the feeds are already on. Day is pissed, “Why didn’t they tell us?!” James isn’t so sure they're on. He says the cameras usually go crazy if the feeds are on. Skeletons, then, out of nowhere, says that Jozea is lucky his 4th Of July comment wasn’t aired. Apparently some people were talking about the 4th of July and James said, “A lot of Americans died for our freedom.” Jozea then said, “No one asked them to!" *giggles and snorts* Oh Jozea. You blessing in tiny pants. That's the spirit! You just do you buddy. Let it all hang out. Offend EVERYONE. You will get no judgment from me, pumpkin. In the midst of all this, we can still here Day bitching and moaning about how she hopes the feeds aren't on yet. 

Let's get away from the misery of Day and move on to something more joyful. You guys are going to like this. It turns out that Zak and Tiffany do amazing Bronte impressions! Zak is especially good and it definitely needs to be seen. From what I can gather Bronte, Natalie, and Bridgette have a girl's alliance. Doesn't that sound just awful? Those three together. Thinking. And talking. It's horrifying! While most of the house knows they are a trio, it is up for debate as to which one is  the leader: Bronte or Natalie. I have a feeling they both think they are each the leader. 

This brings us to the big news of the night. There is a meeting planned for 2am amongst most of the new HG's. It sounds like it is all Jozea's doing. However, one sad pony isn't happy about it at all. Nicole sits in the Safari Room crying - CRYING - because she wasn't invited to the meeting. She says about Jozea, "What did I ever do to him?" Umm seriously? Bitch, you put him on the block! You put him up for eviction! What did you ever do to him? You did the worst thing someone can do to another Big Brother Houseguest! Is she for real? Anyhow, all of this is for naught because Jozea got tired and went to bed instead of having his meeting.

But let's backtrack a bit and stay on Jozea. Once again the discussion turns to what he said about the 4th of July. Why this is even a thing is beyond me, but this is Big Brother so of course it's a huge drama. Day's response to it is that any career Jozea hoped to have after his Big Brother life is gone now. Bitch please. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. He's a make-up artist. He'll be just fine. To summarize what's going on, Jozea's problem with the 4th of July - which is actually totally inaccurate - is because the Americans stole their land from the Indians. I know. I know. There are so many things wrong with that statement. First off, the 4th of July celebrates the Thirteen Colonies rejecting British rule, gaining their independence, and forming the United States. We gained our Independence from Britain, not the "Indians." This brings us to my second point. Indians are from India. Native Americans are the ones we stole from in a totally different way that has nothing to do with the 4th of July.

Day has a huge problem with this basically because it came from Jozea and she can't stand him. Paul has a problem with it because he says it's like stomping on the flag and he hates people who stomp on the flag. He says if Jozea was in North Korea or Russia, he'd have a bullet in his head. Skeletons has a problem with it because it's historically inaccurate. Plus, I think she's being sneaky by even bringing it up in the first place in order to start drama. James has a problem with it because "'Mericans fought for this here country." He mentioned to Jozea how there are Americans in Afghanistan right now fighting for us. To that, Jozea said something along the lines of, "So what?!" Look, if I was in the house I'd probably hate Jozea too - not for his silly ignorance - but because he is definitely acting like he's better than everyone. But as a viewer... I love him! He promised he'd make this a crazy season and so far he's got a good start. The problem is that he might not make it past this first week, but he's WAY too arrogant to recognize that that is even a possibility. He won't be in there long, but I do hope he sticks around for a couple weeks at least. The big question now, of course, is whether or not CBS will air it on the network show. We'll have to wait and see. 

Sticking with Jozea some more, at one point we find Jozea and Corey sitting on the Living Room sofa. Jozea is joking around about being fucked by a giant or something. I honestly have no idea what he was saying, but here's the best part. Corey is sitting across from Jozea gazing at him with loving eyes. He acts along with whatever pantomime Jozea is playing at. Corey then says, to no one in particular, "He's talking dirty!" And then he bursts into a fit of giggles. Why is this important? Well, a couple minutes later, to Corey's complete horror, the HG's have the distinct feeling that the Live Feeds have been on for some time. The color immediately drains from Corey's face. His heart begins to pound and he starts to feel faint. Why, you ask? Corey says, "Mom, Dad, I'm not gay I swear!" Corey is petrified that now we all think he's gay because he was sitting and joking with Jozea. Corey, that's not why we think you're gay. We think you're gay - not that there's anything wrong with that - because you got all lovey dovey on the network show talking about Cody. All the other guys were focused on the girls and you had hearts in your eyes for Cody. Plus, there's that rumor going around that you like to use a homophobic slur which is always my first hint that someone is a closet homosexual and hates themselves for it - like the Orlando shooter guy!

Now that the HG's know the Live Feeds are on, they are all acting ridiculous. Everyone is giving shout out's, they're jumping about like monkeys, and Jozea is giving a speech about how we all need to watch him because he's the best. He literally starts staring a camera down and begins to do model poses. He looks away. Looks back! Looks down. Looks up! He's making sure the camera is on him and then... pose! He's crouching like a tiger and leaping like a dragon. And then we have Victor in the Kitchen. He says to one of the cameras, "This is me. In all my beauty."
And there you have it. I definitely have some catching up to do because I think there are some more alliances I haven't yet been made aware of. It's all good though because I'll be watching the Live Feeds today on my Roku (If you still need one, click on the Amazon links on the right hand side of this page. It is the best, most luxurious way to watch the Live Feeds.). I actually just bought myself a 2nd Roku for my bedroom. 

And if you still haven't gotten the Live Feeds, this is your personal engraved invitation. Go sign up! You get a week free!


  1. Oh so good to read your blog again! You will love the deliciousness of the feeds till 3am. Fatal 5 (Tiff, Day, Zak, Michelle, Nicole), 8 pack (Fatal 5 plus Corey, Frank, James), Powderpuff girls (Bronte, Natalie, Bridgette). Fatal 5 wants to brigade the boys... Powerpuff wants to jump ship. Natalie wants to fake showmance Tiff and Tiff knows it and laughed about it to Fatal 5. They want her to fake her back. It is a hot glorious mess. Day wants final 2 with tiff and talked to cameras and to Vanessa. 8 pack calls Vanessa Sarah. Tiffany says her last name is Reed and only 8 pack knows she is Vans sister. Lots of gaming amongst ALL the girls. The men are mostly dumb.

  2. Let's not forget that Joszea, when speaking about the civil war, said "who cares, nobody asked them to do it!" Then proudly boasted how the civil war was fought because America stole the Indians land and one of the girls stated the Civil War was fought to escape Britain! Wrong and wrong!! The civil war was caused by the south wanting blacks as slaves and the north opposed to it. So the Civil War was all about slavery and the "Civil" rights of blacks. Geez, these idiots are too stupid.

  3. I almost quit BB this year not because of the cast, or returnees, or "crazy twists" but because it takes up so much of my life. BUT, I listened to the podcasts and read the blog and remembered why I do it! Its because people are ridiculous and deserve to have people talk about them for my entertainment! I've got the gin and glitter ready for Saturday BITCHES!

  4. Bitch, I love you and what you do, always have and always will... But comparing Corey to the Orlando shooter? C'mon, Lala.

  5. Absolutely. I push buttons. It makes life more interesting.

    1. Push away! That's why we love you! Have a great show tonight! I cannot wait to hear your thoughts on this train wreck of a season! (cue Becky's train horn here)

  6. Girl can write! Praying for your back issues. Hang in there!

  7. About the Corey thing, someone on Reddit noted that the specific incident you were referring to had to do with something that happened before the feeds came on.

    It made me feel a bit different about his "I'm not gay" moment.

  8. Cory is definitely in the closet and so was the Orlando shooter. So the comparison is more than fair. The only people we can hate so much are mirrors of ourselves.

    Love your blog.

  9. Jozea has so little self-awareness, and it's AMAZING. I saw him talking about wanting Elizabeth Banks to host "the final three comp" in full Hunger Games getup. It's adorable that he thinks he'll even be around for final three.

    I know Corey is about as interesting as staring at a plywood board, but he seems like he has the makeup to be one of the most unintentionally bizarre houseguests of the year. I wonder if Robyn Kass was sitting there interviewing him, and thinking "This guy is a complete closet case. I need to figure out his type, and fill the house exclusively with men he will find delicious."

  10. I'm with you on Jozea should stay for entertainment. I would love to see his face when he wins HOH and someone "on the other side" wins the secret power and put up "someone on his side" and that person is the one that goes home.

    As for taking care of yourself be our guest. I go to the gym 5 days a week BB season or not and have back, knee, and shoulder issues. Best way to deal with our physical issues is attack them head on.