Welcome To The Club Enzo!

Occasionally, I like to pick people for the pledge class of the Worst People On The Planet Club. I feel it's my moral duty to sweep these miscreants away so they can no longer do anymore harm to this beautiful place I like to call Earth. It's a very Michael Jackson This Is It thing I do where I like to dance and sing about pretty rain forests as well as scream and grab my crotch over the bulldozers ruining them. Now, I'm not perfect (although I'm damn close), but I know the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, delightful and crazy, and sweet and sour. Some current members of the Worst People On The Planet Club are Ass Licker, Rachel Reilly, Teresa Giudice, Alison Grodner, Joran Van Der Sloot, Michael Vick, Spencer Pratt, Tila Tequila, and whomever is currently beating me at Words With Friends (yes, I hate you all). It's important to call out these people for their wrongdoings and make examples of them. If I had things my way I'd chain these vile creatures to a fence and then unleash a bunch of rabid dogs and raccoons and let the bloodbath begin, but, as that's probably not legal and a total bitch to clean up, I'll just stick to naming names in this here little blog.

I spent yesterday down in my laboratory mixing all sorts of fascinating chemicals together and I think I've come up with the newest member of the Worst People On The Planet Club. He's an open mouth eater, a highfalutin talker, a butcher of the English language, and an utterer of homophobic slurs. Enzo Palumbo, welcome to the club! You'll find your membership card, some rusty nails, and a high powered staple gun in your orientation packet. Please put the card in your wallet, jam the rusty nails up your nose, and then at your earliest convenience begin to staple yourself in your most sensitive of areas. In a few days Sepsis should set in and then you'll no longer be a problem to the universe.

If you're unsure as to why you've been given this honor, allow me to outline it for you.

#1 You eat like a fucking pig. You're a 30-something year old father and when you eat anything from slop to beef jerky, precious woodland creatures seek shelter in nearby forests in order to escape the excruciatingly painful noises your mouth produces. You have an uncanny ability to smack a tiny piece of food into a slishy sloshy dance of putrid vileness. You should know that feedsters find your eating habits to be so objectionable that they automatically mute or change the channel whenever you're within 10 yards of the kitchen. I don't know if Dr. Drew has a facility for people like you, but please, I beg of you, go somewhere and seek help for your disgusting habit. My sympathy goes out to your poor wife who has to deal with this on a daily basis. Do all the restaurants in New Jersey have a photo of you in the window and a sign underneath it that reads, "DO NOT SERVE THIS MAN"? You're like a monkey in a zoo - the public shouldn't be allowed to feed you.

#2 You will never be famous. You chose to go on a summer reality show where you're every move (repulsive and offensive) is monitored and analyzed. Not one person has been able to parlay this experience into a career of monumental fame and fortune. If you're lucky, you'll get to do porn and maybe write a blog giving your opinion on future seasons. You'll have a few months where you can attend a charity gig or two, put some of your shit on eBay, and then maybe fly to Seattle to do a dimly lit basement interview with Chelsia. Other than that, you'll be a distant memory to the general CBS viewing public. Sure, the nutty overzealous fans who live for this shit will tweet you constantly and beg you to follow them, but James Cameron isn't going to be calling you anytime soon and Scorsese does not want your input on his new HBO series. No one will buy your silly catch phrase t-shirts (just ask Captain Kosher how his sales are going) and your bar tour will only happen if the 3 or 4 desperate BB hangers-on fans fund it by driving you everywhere themselves.

Big Brother is simply a wonderful and unique experience that you were lucky to be a part of. Only the very likable and charismatic (Jeff, Kevin, Lydia, Janelle, Will, and probably Kristen and Ragan) are able to supplement their incomes with BB side projects that are worthwhile (Sorry, but porn doesn't count Ass Licker). If you can give awareness to some charities, great! Just remember that "Enzo Palumbo" is not a charity. There are far more important causes and/or talented people more deserving of dollars than you. Raise your daughter, be a good father, and learn how to chew with your mouth closed - that's my advice for a successful future.

#3 You are a homophobic asshole. When you're sitting around making idle chitchat and you wonder where Ragan might be, saying he's off somewhere sticking a bottle up his ass simply because he's gay might not be the most intelligent of remarks. In fact it's insulting, childish, and offensive. The shit you say isn't funny and I've noticed that in the house those off color remarks are almost always met with silence. Even Lane and Hayden (not the brightest bulbs in the tanning bed) know that your comments are questionable. Ragan is ten times the man you'll ever be Enzo. He's funnier, smarter, and has more charisma in his pinky toe than you do in your entire body. I don't know if your comments stem from pure hatred or are simply lame attempts at being funny. Either way, they're unappreciated and you've managed to piss off a whole slew of BB fans. Well done.

#4 You suck, yo. For almost 90 days now, I've watched you let other people take risks and do the dirty work for you. You've spent countless hours talking and wishing and hoping that you'll win something yet you never exerted the effort to make it happen. You threw comps, avoided confrontation, and idly sat by while others figured out strategy and made power moves. When it finally came time for you to actually apply yourself and try to win something, feedsters were forced to listen to you make profound statements like "We need to win this yo" and "I can feel it. This HOH is ours yo." You're the only person I know to have a negative effect on the Law of Attraction. It's like in Dead Poets Society when Robin Williams tells that one kid he's the only person to get a negative score on the Pritchard Scale. It's as if the more you talked, the more the universe turned it's head and said, "No, thank you."

#5 You got lucky and I'm damn mad about it. It kills me that you managed to get as far as you did. Worse still, CBS is giving you a decent edit and America's Favorite still isn't out of the question. These facts coupled with my own bitterness over having to stomach you for the past 10 weeks has made me very very angry. If you walk away with any of the prize money, I'm locking myself in my basement and shoving bamboo shoots under my nails. It'll be like that time when Keesha won the $25,000. I still haven't recovered from the self-inflicted appendicitis. I thought bleach and Pepto-Bismol would do the trick. All it did was give me cramps and make my pee a pretty neon pink color. When undeserving people like you and Bristol Palin get rewarded with fat checks, I become a danger to myself and society and no one, not even my precious white doggie is safe. I dyed her black as a symbol of my mourning for BB12 and she's staining my sheets now. My legs are covered in black streaks and I look like a swamp person. Thanks Enzo, thanks.

Well, I heard somewhere that the Feeds are going to be down for a while due to tomorrow's eviction. That means no blog tomorrow and a big naughty party at my place. If you guys can bring me some new sheets and some exfoliating mitts, I'd be very appreciative. The theme of this party is going to be Sons Of Anarchy in honor of the premiere tonight so bring your leather and your tattoo guns. I plan of marking each and every one of you with a "LALA WAS HERE" tat by the end of the night.

So, how much will you hate your lives if Enzo wins anything whatsoever? After Britney leaves, who do you want to win the entire season? If I drink Raid mixed with Febreze on finale night, will my senses be dulled enough to stomach the presentation of the check? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season (the blood, sweat, and tears), please click on my PayPal button and show your girl some love. Thanks bitches!

Send In The Clowns

Throughout history there have been many important influential groups of people. Scientists, doctors, artists, peacemakers, designers, numerologists, television producers... people who made this world what it is today. Since nature and the cosmos and all that crap is about balance, with the good must come the bad. The flipside of the aforementioned great and inconolastic people would be the members of the buffoon category. Merriam Webster defines buffoon as "a gross and usually ill-educated or stupid person". Buffoons are the court jesters of our time. They exist solely for our amusement. They're not like comedians or talented circus performers delighting audiences with flights of fancy. No, they're more like the one-eyed freak with a limp who rubs feces all over himself and sings 'Row Row Row Your Boat' to no one in particular. You point and laugh at them, but there's like no way you're hanging out and renting Huit Femmes together. Buffoons can actually live very happy and contented lives... only because they really don't know any better. They have no idea the world laughs at them and, in their case, ignorance is definitely bliss. Once in a while it's fun to come across a buffoon and get a few giggles in, but to be stuck watching one for hours and hours and hours on end... ummm nuh uh. Not a good time at all. You know what's even worse? Three buffoons in one house together for almost 90 days. Oy vey. Lord help us all. Let's recap, shall we?

OK so Hayden is HOH and he's chosen to nominate Lane and Britney for eviction. No surprises there. Hayden can win against any of these fools, but it's Enzo that he has a special love for. The POV is the only hope Britney has at this point. She can remove herself from the block, Enzo goes up, and then is sent home with Britney being the sole vote. *sigh* It's a pretty fairy dusted fantasy, isn't it? Sprites would come out to play, pipe smoking garden gnomes would shatter their ceramic exteriors and dance jaunty jigs, and tiny little puppies would leap out of rivers and mangle 16 yr old Bosnian girls to death. The world would finally make sense and empty apologies from Annie might actually mean something.

Alas, a marshmallow world with rainbows darting across the sky and rivers made of chocolate just wasn't meant to be I guess. Hayden has won the POV and I weep thick salty tears for all that could have been. I'm depressed now. I'm Sylvia Plath stuck in the Bell Jar depressed. I'm Anne Sexton, Susanna Kaysen, and The Cure all wrapped up into one ball of dark and brooding nothingness. I'm going to wear lots of black eyeliner, go days without washing my hair, and maybe carve unintelligible symbols into my arms and legs. I don't think Prozac or Zoloft are going to bring me out of this funk. I'm thinking more along the lines of Halcion, Thorazine, and whatever that drug was that killed Nick Drake. Out of depression always come mania which means I'll probably start buying a whole bunch of shit I don't need like knick knacks from yard sales and floppy straw hats. I'll carelessly sleep around with people I picked up at the Home Depot purely out of boredom. After all the reckless shenanigans I'll get myself into - like shaving the neighbors dog and putting ratty purple extensions in my hair - I'll take a Ritalin or maybe a Focalin and begin the organizational phase of my madness. I'll inventory my paper clips and cotton balls, ziploc baggy each and every pair of socks, and maybe keep a detailed journal of all the buttons I own. *sigh* It's exhausting just thinking about all the planning that goes into having a proper breakdown. Eh, who am I kidding? I'll probably just write nasty blogs and crawl into bed to watch my Sons Of Anarchy DVD's. I'm too lazy to have a honest to goodness psychological breakdown over BB12.

Hayden's big hairy plan is to keep the nominations the same, but first he wants to tell Britney all about the Bra-gade. Hayden thinks it'll impress her and put her at ease about going home the week before the finale. Enzo and Lane smile and nod thinking it's the best idea ever in the history of ideas - it's even better than meatballs and Right Guard. Of course Britney will be in awe over their genius. Why, I'm sure she'll name her first child "Bra-gade" and teach him to not only eat with his mouth open, but to also never cut his bangs and beat up people whenever the urge strikes. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Britney will thank them and make pretty rings of posies to place atop their giant meaty heads. She'll don a flowy chiffon gown and skip around the background throwing rose petals here and there in celebration. She'll dance and twirl amongst waterfalls and swaying trees, butterflies will flutter about her smiling face, frogs will turn into princes, and we'll all live happily after ever. Yup, that's exactly what's gonna happen.

Britney leaves the DR and heads up to the HOH where the Bra-gade has strategically seated themselves about the room. They want Britney to sit on the bed for maximum impact. They must think that being a girl she'll need a pillow to cuddle with or something. She falls into their trap and lies down on the bed only to be greeted with an uncomfortable silence. Enzo makes nervous chitchat and Lane focuses really hard on his fingernails. Hayden runs to the bathroom to look for his brush and change his clothes. He knows this conversation will make the CBS show and he wants to be ready. Britney rests her head in her hand and picks at her fingernail polish while the cowardly lions fidget with whatever is within arm's reach. Seriously, I'm watching this right now on my DVR and if this was a movie it would be called "How To Be A Pussy And Never Influence People".

Enzo finally breaks the ice and asks, "Who do you think has played the best game in Big Brother?" Britney says it depends on the season. Each season required a different sort of game play. Lane asks, "Um who do you think played the best game for this season?" Initially Britney doesn't answer and then she says that Hayden has played the best competitively and socially. This back and forth exchange of inconsequential silly questions continues while Enzo plays with a corkscrew. He won't look Britney in the eye so he laughs and says, "Uh who were you in an alliance with Lane? I know who I was in an alliance with. I was in an alliance with a few people." Lane wiggles around in his chair and giggles... "Uh I don't know bro, who were you in an alliance with?" Enzo replies and chuckles, "I don't know yo. I was definitely in an alliance with someone." Seriously, it's the most ridiculous exchange of cowardice I've ever seen. They're being flippant and silly doing the whole wink wink nudge nudge thing while Britney lies there probably wondering what the hell they've been smoking. It's Romper Room and Yo Gabba Gabba, not Big Brother. Had a sippy cup entered the picture, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Finally, Enzo says, "It was Hayden, Lane, and Matty since Day 2. We named it and gave ourselves nicknames." Britney picks at a piece of peeling nail polish and says, "What was it called?" Enzo replies, "The Brigade yo!" and then bursts into a fit of giggles. Lane interjects, "No GB's for the BG's! No goodbyes for the Brigade." Britney shrugs her shoulders, wishes she had a nail file, and says, "Well, the Brigade fucked Matty up." Enzo tells her they had to because Matty was "The Brains". He squeezes the corkscrew a few more times and says, "This is history yo. Personally, for me, I think it's greatness." Britney raises an eyebrow and an awkward silence fills the room. Enzo extracts more brain power from the corkscrew and goes on to try to explain why the Brigade is better than Benjamin Franklin, Madame Curie, and Jonas Salk combined. He's sure statues will be erected in his honor - maybe something like Rocky on the steps to the Philadelphia Art Museum or that giant grotesque eyeball in Chicago.

Enzo continues to try to convince Britney that the Brigade is groundbreaking and she just kind of lies there and picks her teeth. Britney, this is why I love you. Those knuckleheads thought you'd drop your jaw and either cry or get down on your knees and worship them. Instead, you sat there and wondered if you had enough nail polish to get you through to Thursday. Thank you Britney, thank you. I'm sending you a fruit basket and the entire Fall line from O.P.I. as soon as you get out.

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night and saw Twitter blowing up over everyone freaking out about the big Brigade revelation I thought, "Oh shit... this is gonna be off the hook!" In reality, it was the most uneventful and mortifying (for Enzo and Lane) scene I've ever wtinessed. They might as well have told Britney that it might be cloudy tomorrow. I swear to god, she could care less! She tells them no one will really be shocked and that it was kind of obvious they were all working together. Enzo, prepare yourself for a similar reaction when you leave the house. America will not love you. America will not quote you. We'll quickly forget about you and thank our lucky stars that we never have to listen to your Jersey nonsense ever again. My only regret is that you're not around to see the hate you're getting right this second. Enzo, precious, people hate you now more than Rachel. Can you even compute how monumental that is? Rachel was enemy #1 for about 6 weeks. You've singelhandedly managed to undo all the hate and hellfire she spewed and, in turn, you've covered yourself with it.

I also hear that Enzo has been hurling homophobic slurs about Ragan. Now, I haven't witnessed it myself, but I promise I'll look into it and maybe dedicate an entire blog post to it. This next week will be a big bore fest and I'll need something to write about so, Enzo, I'm coming for you buddy.

So, how lackluster was that revelation? Was Britney's nonreaction priceless or what? Can we somehow send Enzo back to Italy when he gets out of the house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

UPDATE: Right after I posted this, I see that Britney finally broke down and cried. I blame the relentless effort to try to impress her with the knowledge of the Brigade. Had they just told her and let it go it wouldn't have been a big deal. Instead they kept pushing and pushing and pushing trying to get the reaction they wanted out of her which was not only cruel but unnecessary. Team Britney!