Sunday, September 5, 2010

Send In The Clowns

Throughout history there have been many important influential groups of people. Scientists, doctors, artists, peacemakers, designers, numerologists, television producers... people who made this world what it is today. Since nature and the cosmos and all that crap is about balance, with the good must come the bad. The flipside of the aforementioned great and inconolastic people would be the members of the buffoon category. Merriam Webster defines buffoon as "a gross and usually ill-educated or stupid person". Buffoons are the court jesters of our time. They exist solely for our amusement. They're not like comedians or talented circus performers delighting audiences with flights of fancy. No, they're more like the one-eyed freak with a limp who rubs feces all over himself and sings 'Row Row Row Your Boat' to no one in particular. You point and laugh at them, but there's like no way you're hanging out and renting Huit Femmes together. Buffoons can actually live very happy and contented lives... only because they really don't know any better. They have no idea the world laughs at them and, in their case, ignorance is definitely bliss. Once in a while it's fun to come across a buffoon and get a few giggles in, but to be stuck watching one for hours and hours and hours on end... ummm nuh uh. Not a good time at all. You know what's even worse? Three buffoons in one house together for almost 90 days. Oy vey. Lord help us all. Let's recap, shall we?

OK so Hayden is HOH and he's chosen to nominate Lane and Britney for eviction. No surprises there. Hayden can win against any of these fools, but it's Enzo that he has a special love for. The POV is the only hope Britney has at this point. She can remove herself from the block, Enzo goes up, and then is sent home with Britney being the sole vote. *sigh* It's a pretty fairy dusted fantasy, isn't it? Sprites would come out to play, pipe smoking garden gnomes would shatter their ceramic exteriors and dance jaunty jigs, and tiny little puppies would leap out of rivers and mangle 16 yr old Bosnian girls to death. The world would finally make sense and empty apologies from Annie might actually mean something.

Alas, a marshmallow world with rainbows darting across the sky and rivers made of chocolate just wasn't meant to be I guess. Hayden has won the POV and I weep thick salty tears for all that could have been. I'm depressed now. I'm Sylvia Plath stuck in the Bell Jar depressed. I'm Anne Sexton, Susanna Kaysen, and The Cure all wrapped up into one ball of dark and brooding nothingness. I'm going to wear lots of black eyeliner, go days without washing my hair, and maybe carve unintelligible symbols into my arms and legs. I don't think Prozac or Zoloft are going to bring me out of this funk. I'm thinking more along the lines of Halcion, Thorazine, and whatever that drug was that killed Nick Drake. Out of depression always come mania which means I'll probably start buying a whole bunch of shit I don't need like knick knacks from yard sales and floppy straw hats. I'll carelessly sleep around with people I picked up at the Home Depot purely out of boredom. After all the reckless shenanigans I'll get myself into - like shaving the neighbors dog and putting ratty purple extensions in my hair - I'll take a Ritalin or maybe a Focalin and begin the organizational phase of my madness. I'll inventory my paper clips and cotton balls, ziploc baggy each and every pair of socks, and maybe keep a detailed journal of all the buttons I own. *sigh* It's exhausting just thinking about all the planning that goes into having a proper breakdown. Eh, who am I kidding? I'll probably just write nasty blogs and crawl into bed to watch my Sons Of Anarchy DVD's. I'm too lazy to have a honest to goodness psychological breakdown over BB12.

Hayden's big hairy plan is to keep the nominations the same, but first he wants to tell Britney all about the Bra-gade. Hayden thinks it'll impress her and put her at ease about going home the week before the finale. Enzo and Lane smile and nod thinking it's the best idea ever in the history of ideas - it's even better than meatballs and Right Guard. Of course Britney will be in awe over their genius. Why, I'm sure she'll name her first child "Bra-gade" and teach him to not only eat with his mouth open, but to also never cut his bangs and beat up people whenever the urge strikes. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Britney will thank them and make pretty rings of posies to place atop their giant meaty heads. She'll don a flowy chiffon gown and skip around the background throwing rose petals here and there in celebration. She'll dance and twirl amongst waterfalls and swaying trees, butterflies will flutter about her smiling face, frogs will turn into princes, and we'll all live happily after ever. Yup, that's exactly what's gonna happen.

Britney leaves the DR and heads up to the HOH where the Bra-gade has strategically seated themselves about the room. They want Britney to sit on the bed for maximum impact. They must think that being a girl she'll need a pillow to cuddle with or something. She falls into their trap and lies down on the bed only to be greeted with an uncomfortable silence. Enzo makes nervous chitchat and Lane focuses really hard on his fingernails. Hayden runs to the bathroom to look for his brush and change his clothes. He knows this conversation will make the CBS show and he wants to be ready. Britney rests her head in her hand and picks at her fingernail polish while the cowardly lions fidget with whatever is within arm's reach. Seriously, I'm watching this right now on my DVR and if this was a movie it would be called "How To Be A Pussy And Never Influence People".

Enzo finally breaks the ice and asks, "Who do you think has played the best game in Big Brother?" Britney says it depends on the season. Each season required a different sort of game play. Lane asks, "Um who do you think played the best game for this season?" Initially Britney doesn't answer and then she says that Hayden has played the best competitively and socially. This back and forth exchange of inconsequential silly questions continues while Enzo plays with a corkscrew. He won't look Britney in the eye so he laughs and says, "Uh who were you in an alliance with Lane? I know who I was in an alliance with. I was in an alliance with a few people." Lane wiggles around in his chair and giggles... "Uh I don't know bro, who were you in an alliance with?" Enzo replies and chuckles, "I don't know yo. I was definitely in an alliance with someone." Seriously, it's the most ridiculous exchange of cowardice I've ever seen. They're being flippant and silly doing the whole wink wink nudge nudge thing while Britney lies there probably wondering what the hell they've been smoking. It's Romper Room and Yo Gabba Gabba, not Big Brother. Had a sippy cup entered the picture, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Finally, Enzo says, "It was Hayden, Lane, and Matty since Day 2. We named it and gave ourselves nicknames." Britney picks at a piece of peeling nail polish and says, "What was it called?" Enzo replies, "The Brigade yo!" and then bursts into a fit of giggles. Lane interjects, "No GB's for the BG's! No goodbyes for the Brigade." Britney shrugs her shoulders, wishes she had a nail file, and says, "Well, the Brigade fucked Matty up." Enzo tells her they had to because Matty was "The Brains". He squeezes the corkscrew a few more times and says, "This is history yo. Personally, for me, I think it's greatness." Britney raises an eyebrow and an awkward silence fills the room. Enzo extracts more brain power from the corkscrew and goes on to try to explain why the Brigade is better than Benjamin Franklin, Madame Curie, and Jonas Salk combined. He's sure statues will be erected in his honor - maybe something like Rocky on the steps to the Philadelphia Art Museum or that giant grotesque eyeball in Chicago.

Enzo continues to try to convince Britney that the Brigade is groundbreaking and she just kind of lies there and picks her teeth. Britney, this is why I love you. Those knuckleheads thought you'd drop your jaw and either cry or get down on your knees and worship them. Instead, you sat there and wondered if you had enough nail polish to get you through to Thursday. Thank you Britney, thank you. I'm sending you a fruit basket and the entire Fall line from O.P.I. as soon as you get out.

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night and saw Twitter blowing up over everyone freaking out about the big Brigade revelation I thought, "Oh shit... this is gonna be off the hook!" In reality, it was the most uneventful and mortifying (for Enzo and Lane) scene I've ever wtinessed. They might as well have told Britney that it might be cloudy tomorrow. I swear to god, she could care less! She tells them no one will really be shocked and that it was kind of obvious they were all working together. Enzo, prepare yourself for a similar reaction when you leave the house. America will not love you. America will not quote you. We'll quickly forget about you and thank our lucky stars that we never have to listen to your Jersey nonsense ever again. My only regret is that you're not around to see the hate you're getting right this second. Enzo, precious, people hate you now more than Rachel. Can you even compute how monumental that is? Rachel was enemy #1 for about 6 weeks. You've singelhandedly managed to undo all the hate and hellfire she spewed and, in turn, you've covered yourself with it.

I also hear that Enzo has been hurling homophobic slurs about Ragan. Now, I haven't witnessed it myself, but I promise I'll look into it and maybe dedicate an entire blog post to it. This next week will be a big bore fest and I'll need something to write about so, Enzo, I'm coming for you buddy.

So, how lackluster was that revelation? Was Britney's nonreaction priceless or what? Can we somehow send Enzo back to Italy when he gets out of the house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

UPDATE: Right after I posted this, I see that Britney finally broke down and cried. I blame the relentless effort to try to impress her with the knowledge of the Brigade. Had they just told her and let it go it wouldn't have been a big deal. Instead they kept pushing and pushing and pushing trying to get the reaction they wanted out of her which was not only cruel but unnecessary. Team Britney!


  1. Yes, Britney's reaction was priceless. She held it together so well. I felt so bad for her when she couldn't anymore. I still think/hope there is a crack in the Brigade and Hayden is worried Enzo will win and decide to use the POV on Brit to get Enzo out. Call me a dreamer in rose colored glasses, but anything is possible until Monday.

    Those guys were such pussies, with the meow-meow leading the way. I can't believe Hayden left to check on libations in order to avoid the conversation. None of those jackasses should win and now at least ONE will cash out. (STILL HOLDING ONTO HOPE FOR BRIT). If she gets knocked out, I pray the rest of the non feed viewing world votes her for America's choice. I think all feedsters will regardless.

    Yesterday just SUCKED for BB fans everywhere. Thanks for continuing to blog, even though it is painful. At least she won 10k.

  2. I have officially checked out of the BB madness. Last year after Michele was evicted I swore I was not going to watch any more of the live feeds or the show and I just couldn't help myself I just kept getting sucked back in. Since Hayden has won the HOH I think I have watched the live feeds for a total of ten minutes. Now that I know that he has won the POV I'm done. I can not stand these three idiots. I'm sad Britney is going home but at least I get to enjoy the rest of the summer away for the computer. I don't plan on watching any more shows expect for maybe the finale. I really enjoy your blogs and will continue to read it until the bitter end. Sorry your stuck watching this suckfest but someone has to take one for the team.

    Lots of Love from your Canadian fans

  3. I don't want any of these douche bags to win. But, if I had to pick one, I would pick Lane. Purely out of spite against Enzo and Hayden. Those "dudes" are duds. The arrogance is suffocating, the fact they think they are geniuses is mind boggling. I wish I could see their faces as they realize they a) they are NOT going to be America's player and b) that the Brigade is not the most amazing thing Big Brother has ever seen. Quite frankly, I would like to kick Big Brother in the balls for subjecting us to this. Britney, you made some mistakes, but the one thing you haven't done is fool yourself into thinking you were going to be a celebrity after this season. Enjoy your life Britney for it is not clouded in delusions of grandeur. Enzo, if for some bizarre reason you win the 500,000 - do what you said you were gonna do, Retire. 500,00 will be more then enough for you to live on for the rest of your life. I swear.

  4. I loved Britney's reaction! She totally stole Enzo's thunder.....I believe she only cried because Hayden was being nice, but completely honest.

    If Hayden was smart he would take Britney to the final 2......but that would be a game changing move and God forbid we have any of this this season.


  5. Now that it's a done deal (although anything can happen in four days, but I'd be very surprised if anything changes) and a Brigade member is going to win the game, my interest level is hovering around "E" (for "Empty", not "Enzo"). I suppose the eventual winner will "deserve" the $500k, because he lasted longer than the rest of the jury and convinced them to vote for him, but I can't drum up enough enthusiasm to really care one way or another.

    Enzo should be the first of them to go. The Meow Meow hasn't done anything to justify giving him the $50,000 2nd place money. Other than winning one Veto Comp, what has he done to even earn the money BB's paid him this summer? All I remember is him bragging about what a tough competitor he is, planning his post-BB future in show biz, taking credit for everything and taking a lot of naps.

    I can't back Lane because of his off-screen personality, which has been well-discussed. Some have suggested that he makes up a lot of his stories for effect, but I doubt it. I don't want to say much more, because he's liable to get 2 or 3 of his good buddies together, hunt me down, beat me up and dance with my girlfriend, and harm my cat just for fun.

    I guess that leaves Hayden for me to root for, but I'm not happy about that choice, either. Until the past couple of weeks, he's spent the summer relaxing with the Brigade, letting others do the dirty work. But out of the three of them, he's worked at winning the competitions to keep himself safe the past couple of weeks, so I guess I have to give him that.

    That being said, I doubt I'll be wasting my time on the feeds during the next ten days, especially if CBS blocks Wednesday night's endurance comp. When it's just the three of them left in the house, the WBRB bubbles will be more interesting than watching that lot congratulate themselves for a week.

    I wouldn't even bother with the broadcast, except I'm curious about what's happening in the Jury House. Is Vegas Red still pissed that Brendon's out of the game? I think that was the reason she went over-the-top with Matt, not just because of the cameras, but because she had to have some outlet for her disappointment that she and her man have no BB money in their future. If she's smart (a stretch, I know), she'll keep her distance from Ragan (especially after he finds out about Matt's lie); if she tries rubbing it in that he's out of the game and asks him mockingly what he thinks of Matt now, the Backyard Slapdown will look like the Paris Peace Talks. It will not end well for her.

    I'd consider skipping the finale, too, except it'll be on right after Survivor, so I'll be sitting there watching CBS anyway. I'm curious to see the reaction when Ragan is revealed as the Saboteur, since everyone's so sure it's Matt. I'm wondering if Brendon will actually propose to Vegas on live TV, and what she'll say to avoid committing without making both of them look like total idiots.

    And I guess I'm looking forward to the whole America's Favorite thing, which Enzo assumes is his. My druthers would be that J Chen will say that, "Oddly enough, nobody cast any votes this year because you're such a lame group," but that's just a fantasy of mine. I'm sure that a lot of people will be voting for Brendon, but I can't. He's not my favorite anything. He didn't play the game for himself (despite what he told Julie; even the last vote he cast was "For Rachel"), he was a poor sport when it came to losing comps, and I don't want him to have the chance share any of it with Vegas, either. It'll just postpone the inevitable. Sorry, Britney haters, but I'll be voting for her early and often.

    Thanks, Lala, for braving the boredom and idiocy for our entertainment.

  6. She was fine until Hayden told her he wasn't using the POV-up until then, she believed she had F3 deals with Lane and Hayden and that's when she lost it. She trusted those assholes and they burned her.

    And reading the boards at other sites, there's a bunch of jealous bitches hooting about karma because she's so mean. Fuck them.

    If I were Brit, I would have marched outside and taken the weights of the bench press pole, carried it back upstairs like a baseball bat and hit a few homeruns with those little bastard's heads. (Yet another reason I am not on a reality show.) Or-for a more subtle approach-asked the dairy room for chocolate Ex-lax and made a batch of cookies for them.

    She handled it waaayyyy better than I would have. There would be blood and bodies hitting the floor. I just want to give her a hug and $25,000. Fuck the Brigade.

  7. i wish there was a way to convey to enzo the general disgust the american feedsters have for him at this point. he'll probably get out of the house and hang out with a bunch of yes men, and never really grasp the level of hatred there is for him and his tired-ass act. if nothing else, this season has shown us what one delusional person will allow themselves to believe (and how they will act) when left unchecked, away from reality, and with a houseful of assholes who pretty much share the same high opinion of themselves. and i'm pretty sure italy would laugh in our faces if we tried to return the meow-meow. i think they'll say we're to blame for this one (at least new jersey is.) btw, i just constructed a statue in honor of enzo this morning, but someone flushed it before i could present it to him. oh well.

  8. damn cheryl, i settle for a hug and $250. deal?

  9. Why isn't anyone talking about how "Wonder brain boy Hayden" was coached by the DR to win the POV...Does anyone really believe that he could do it by himself..Brit and Enzo said he was so fast and never even hesitated..HELLO...he spent the entire morning of the POV going to the did Lane..Hayden said Lane threw the competition...and he was on the block!D This game is so rigged!

  10. First of all I want to tell you how much I appreciate your work on this blog. You are a freaking brilliant writer with gobs of talent, but I have to respectfully beg to differ on your analysis of the situation vis. The “Big” Reveal.
    It’s not so much that Britney held it together with what shreds of dignity were left to her, but more of a delayed reaction on her part simply because she just didn’t GET it. (Um, darling they are telling you that you’re toast here).
    While the big twonks smirked and giggled their way through what amounts to nothing shy of unnecessary cruelty and humiliation, she gave her typical courtesy laugh in response “Hnh hnh, that’s so funny”, (uh, not for you boo-boo). It was only when Hayden said “I’m so sorry Britney” about 40 minutes into it, that the penny finally dropped. “Uh, are you telling me that I’m going home?” (Good grief, I guess it does take a ton of bricks). Instant waterworks. She then flew sobbing out of the HOH room and proceeded to hole up in the Taj with lights out and sniveled all night. I mean, come ON girl, get angry, be pissed off, do SOMETHING. But no, first thing this morning she’s back to being Britney the Barnacle, sucking it up and re-attaching herself to the asses of the most pathetic trio to ever exist. For a clever girl she really is dense. The only remotely entertaining part was when she collected her shampoo from the HOH bathroom, it reminded me of Steve Martin in The Jerk with his pajama pants around his ankles “All I need is this thermos. And this chair. That’s all I need.”

  11. FUCK ENZO (figuratively speaking ewwww)

  12. Bitchy Lala there are MANY Rachel lovers, and Britney sucks ass, I'm so happy everything is blowing up in her face!

  13. Karma is over-rated and I don't think Britney is in her current loser predicament because of karma. I chortle at her tears because she is solely responsible for the make-up of this final 4 through her actions with her nomination of Matt and her complicity in Ragan's eviction due to her purposeful blindness re: Lane. At least Brendon got a little sometin' sometin' out of his showmance with Rachel -- what's Britney getting from Lane notin' notin'. I also enjoy her comeuppance because while I enjoy the trashtalk of Rachel, I find her trashtalk of Ragan (her FRIEND) too much the girl trying to be one of the cool kids.

  14. I'm not counting Britney out yet. It is clear the boys don't trust each other, and in my opinion they should take one of two tactics:

    1) Hayden uses the POV on Brit, Enzo goes up and Brit votes out one of them (I don't care which).

    2) Enzo votes out Lane and keeps Brit for the final 3.

    I don't think Enzo is bright enough or man enough to go against the Brigade, but Hayden is smart enough, devious enough and money-hungry enough to do it.

    I think the outing of the Brigade was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Between the delusional self-aggrandizement and the willingness to inflict cruelty on an unknowing victim, all three of the boyz displayed the basest components of their characters. It seemed to me that all three, to various degrees, were ashamed of their actions, but were too macho to actually admit it even to themselves, but deep down, they know they did wrong.

    Brit is smarter, has more depth of character, game play and real courage than all three of them rolled together. Given one tiny chance, she will make it.

    I admire her tremendously, especially for her ability to suck it up and behave courteously to those who just treated her so badly. If nothing else, Britney has shown us what it means to behave as an adult, even if you don't feel like it.

    Enzo? UGH. What a sorry excuse for a human being. Lane? Dumb thug. Even dumber and thugier than I thought he was earlier. Hayden? Smarter than the other two, has some sensitivity to and empathy for others (based on his reactions to some of what the other two thugs say), but is still behaving in ways that will make him ashamed of himself in the future.

    My one hope in all of this is that even if Brit goes out soon, she will be the one to actually end up with something life-changing from this show. She is smart, very attractive, educated and has a quick, wicked, funny wit and comes across great on TV. Who knows, she could end up broadcasting in sports, which would make the other three turn green with envy. I can only hope and maybe sacrifice some cats.

    Lala, great blog, thanks for a great season, I WILL be contributing very soon. I love your writing and your perspective and am in awe of your twisted view of the world. I can't wait for TAR and Survivor.

  15. Thank you for sticking with this horrible shipwreck, captain. I can't even watch, then I try to just see, maybe something is happening, I watch a touch of BBAD and have to shut it off! Please America DO NOT VOTE for these idiots , humility is not overrated and The Circle Jerks need a wake up call. The altered re hashing of every move they pretended to make, is enough to make me watch a country music award show or Jersey Shore so I may punish myself for even knowing who these a**holes are!
    Thank You again for your effort in making something worthwhile come from this horrible abyss of a to you!

  16. [if this was a movie it would be called "How To Be A Pussy And Never Influence People".] LMAO

    Thank goodness for Britney. She was able to put those mo-mos in their place when they tried to show her how smart they were.

    I dumped BBAD over a week ago (when my free trial SHOW ran out). I don’t miss it.

  17. When Enzo walks out, a group of people need to yell, "Chew with your mouth closed." People have chewed bubble gum without having to smack their lips so much when eating. Watching the AD and listening to their endless self-congratulatory speeches has amazed me. They even attributed the applause that Matt received when he walked out as being directed to the Brigade alliance and not simply Matt. AAaaaarrrgh!!!!!

  18. Just a reminder, please don't link to or promote other sites in my comments. Those comments and spam are the only ones I reject.

  19. Sorry I didn't mean to I just wanted to know what your thoughts were about most bloggers omitting what Ragan has REALLY been up to. Also, I'm still curious what it is about Britney that you like so much, 'cause I'm at a loss. Compared to Rome, that Spartacus series' acting was so bad, I couldn't watch it. Does it get better if you stick with it?

  20. The only reason I am still watching this crappy ass season is because of Lala's blogs and to see the jury house. I stopped watching BBAD a few weeks ago, and I just want it to be over. Thank goodness survivor is starting..