Throughout history there have been many important influential groups of people. Scientists, doctors, artists, peacemakers, designers, numerologists, television producers... people who made this world what it is today. Since nature and the cosmos and all that crap is about balance, with the good must come the bad. The flipside of the aforementioned great and inconolastic people would be the members of the buffoon category. Merriam Webster defines buffoon as "a gross and usually ill-educated or stupid person". Buffoons are the court jesters of our time. They exist solely for our amusement. They're not like comedians or talented circus performers delighting audiences with flights of fancy. No, they're more like the one-eyed freak with a limp who rubs feces all over himself and sings 'Row Row Row Your Boat' to no one in particular. You point and laugh at them, but there's like no way you're hanging out and renting Huit Femmes together. Buffoons can actually live very happy and contented lives... only because they really don't know any better. They have no idea the world laughs at them and, in their case, ignorance is definitely bliss. Once in a while it's fun to come across a buffoon and get a few giggles in, but to be stuck watching one for hours and hours and hours on end... ummm nuh uh. Not a good time at all. You know what's even worse? Three buffoons in one house together for almost 90 days. Oy vey. Lord help us all. Let's recap, shall we?
OK so Hayden is HOH and he's chosen to nominate Lane and Britney for eviction. No surprises there. Hayden can win against any of these fools, but it's Enzo that he has a special love for. The POV is the only hope Britney has at this point. She can remove herself from the block, Enzo goes up, and then is sent home with Britney being the sole vote. *sigh* It's a pretty fairy dusted fantasy, isn't it? Sprites would come out to play, pipe smoking garden gnomes would shatter their ceramic exteriors and dance jaunty jigs, and tiny little puppies would leap out of rivers and mangle 16 yr old Bosnian girls to death. The world would finally make sense and empty apologies from Annie might actually mean something.
Alas, a marshmallow world with rainbows darting across the sky and rivers made of chocolate just wasn't meant to be I guess. Hayden has won the POV and I weep thick salty tears for all that could have been. I'm depressed now. I'm Sylvia Plath stuck in the Bell Jar depressed. I'm Anne Sexton, Susanna Kaysen, and The Cure all wrapped up into one ball of dark and brooding nothingness. I'm going to wear lots of black eyeliner, go days without washing my hair, and maybe carve unintelligible symbols into my arms and legs. I don't think Prozac or Zoloft are going to bring me out of this funk. I'm thinking more along the lines of Halcion, Thorazine, and whatever that drug was that killed Nick Drake. Out of depression always come mania which means I'll probably start buying a whole bunch of shit I don't need like knick knacks from yard sales and floppy straw hats. I'll carelessly sleep around with people I picked up at the Home Depot purely out of boredom. After all the reckless shenanigans I'll get myself into - like shaving the neighbors dog and putting ratty purple extensions in my hair - I'll take a Ritalin or maybe a Focalin and begin the organizational phase of my madness. I'll inventory my paper clips and cotton balls, ziploc baggy each and every pair of socks, and maybe keep a detailed journal of all the buttons I own. *sigh* It's exhausting just thinking about all the planning that goes into having a proper breakdown. Eh, who am I kidding? I'll probably just write nasty blogs and crawl into bed to watch my Sons Of Anarchy DVD's. I'm too lazy to have a honest to goodness psychological breakdown over BB12.
Hayden's big hairy plan is to keep the nominations the same, but first he wants to tell Britney all about the Bra-gade. Hayden thinks it'll impress her and put her at ease about going home the week before the finale. Enzo and Lane smile and nod thinking it's the best idea ever in the history of ideas - it's even better than meatballs and Right Guard. Of course Britney will be in awe over their genius. Why, I'm sure she'll name her first child "Bra-gade" and teach him to not only eat with his mouth open, but to also never cut his bangs and beat up people whenever the urge strikes. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Britney will thank them and make pretty rings of posies to place atop their giant meaty heads. She'll don a flowy chiffon gown and skip around the background throwing rose petals here and there in celebration. She'll dance and twirl amongst waterfalls and swaying trees, butterflies will flutter about her smiling face, frogs will turn into princes, and we'll all live happily after ever. Yup, that's exactly what's gonna happen.
Britney leaves the DR and heads up to the HOH where the Bra-gade has strategically seated themselves about the room. They want Britney to sit on the bed for maximum impact. They must think that being a girl she'll need a pillow to cuddle with or something. She falls into their trap and lies down on the bed only to be greeted with an uncomfortable silence. Enzo makes nervous chitchat and Lane focuses really hard on his fingernails. Hayden runs to the bathroom to look for his brush and change his clothes. He knows this conversation will make the CBS show and he wants to be ready. Britney rests her head in her hand and picks at her fingernail polish while the cowardly lions fidget with whatever is within arm's reach. Seriously, I'm watching this right now on my DVR and if this was a movie it would be called "How To Be A Pussy And Never Influence People".
Enzo finally breaks the ice and asks, "Who do you think has played the best game in Big Brother?" Britney says it depends on the season. Each season required a different sort of game play. Lane asks, "Um who do you think played the best game for this season?" Initially Britney doesn't answer and then she says that Hayden has played the best competitively and socially. This back and forth exchange of inconsequential silly questions continues while Enzo plays with a corkscrew. He won't look Britney in the eye so he laughs and says, "Uh who were you in an alliance with Lane? I know who I was in an alliance with. I was in an alliance with a few people." Lane wiggles around in his chair and giggles... "Uh I don't know bro, who were you in an alliance with?" Enzo replies and chuckles, "I don't know yo. I was definitely in an alliance with someone." Seriously, it's the most ridiculous exchange of cowardice I've ever seen. They're being flippant and silly doing the whole wink wink nudge nudge thing while Britney lies there probably wondering what the hell they've been smoking. It's Romper Room and Yo Gabba Gabba, not Big Brother. Had a sippy cup entered the picture, I wouldn't have been surprised.
Finally, Enzo says, "It was Hayden, Lane, and Matty since Day 2. We named it and gave ourselves nicknames." Britney picks at a piece of peeling nail polish and says, "What was it called?" Enzo replies, "The Brigade yo!" and then bursts into a fit of giggles. Lane interjects, "No GB's for the BG's! No goodbyes for the Brigade." Britney shrugs her shoulders, wishes she had a nail file, and says, "Well, the Brigade fucked Matty up." Enzo tells her they had to because Matty was "The Brains". He squeezes the corkscrew a few more times and says, "This is history yo. Personally, for me, I think it's greatness." Britney raises an eyebrow and an awkward silence fills the room. Enzo extracts more brain power from the corkscrew and goes on to try to explain why the Brigade is better than Benjamin Franklin, Madame Curie, and Jonas Salk combined. He's sure statues will be erected in his honor - maybe something like Rocky on the steps to the Philadelphia Art Museum or that giant grotesque eyeball in Chicago.
Enzo continues to try to convince Britney that the Brigade is groundbreaking and she just kind of lies there and picks her teeth. Britney, this is why I love you. Those knuckleheads thought you'd drop your jaw and either cry or get down on your knees and worship them. Instead, you sat there and wondered if you had enough nail polish to get you through to Thursday. Thank you Britney, thank you. I'm sending you a fruit basket and the entire Fall line from O.P.I. as soon as you get out.
When I woke up in the middle of the night last night and saw Twitter blowing up over everyone freaking out about the big Brigade revelation I thought, "Oh shit... this is gonna be off the hook!" In reality, it was the most uneventful and mortifying (for Enzo and Lane) scene I've ever wtinessed. They might as well have told Britney that it might be cloudy tomorrow. I swear to god, she could care less! She tells them no one will really be shocked and that it was kind of obvious they were all working together. Enzo, prepare yourself for a similar reaction when you leave the house. America will not love you. America will not quote you. We'll quickly forget about you and thank our lucky stars that we never have to listen to your Jersey nonsense ever again. My only regret is that you're not around to see the hate you're getting right this second. Enzo, precious, people hate you now more than Rachel. Can you even compute how monumental that is? Rachel was enemy #1 for about 6 weeks. You've singelhandedly managed to undo all the hate and hellfire she spewed and, in turn, you've covered yourself with it.
I also hear that Enzo has been hurling homophobic slurs about Ragan. Now, I haven't witnessed it myself, but I promise I'll look into it and maybe dedicate an entire blog post to it. This next week will be a big bore fest and I'll need something to write about so, Enzo, I'm coming for you buddy.
So, how lackluster was that revelation? Was Britney's nonreaction priceless or what? Can we somehow send Enzo back to Italy when he gets out of the house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
UPDATE: Right after I posted this, I see that Britney finally broke down and cried. I blame the relentless effort to try to impress her with the knowledge of the Brigade. Had they just told her and let it go it wouldn't have been a big deal. Instead they kept pushing and pushing and pushing trying to get the reaction they wanted out of her which was not only cruel but unnecessary. Team Britney!