Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Adventures Of A Mistreated Colon

Yesterday on The Adventures Of Kalia's Intestinal Tract, the houseguests clung to the inner lining and prayed to the baby Jesus that another potato chip wouldn't send them all flying down to the poop chute. It's bad enough having to deal with the terrible wind gusts, but a potato chip could mean curtains for these 10 trapped souls. It's jagged edges would pluck them off one by one into the murky swampy bowl that marks the end of the line. Daniele was heard to mutter "Oh my god, like literally this is so stupid!" Meanwhile, Rachel adjusted her giant straw hat foolishly thinking it would be protection enough against a giant ridged Lay's. Elsewhere, Jordan whispered to Jeff, "I hope she don't dip it in guacamole cuz then we're really in trouble" while further down the tract Shelly took some steel wool out of her pocket and began to furiously scrub anything and everything she could find. Like the houseguests, we too are mere victims of this beast's eating habits. If one more "nom nom nom" or "chomp chomp chomp" comes through my headphones, I'm gonna be like that deaf kid on The Amazing Race. Ma... ma... hellllp. Twisty and turny, coiled and festering, Kalia's colon is a little like the Big Brother 13 house itself. It's very stinky, it's full of hot air and, eventually, everyone inside of it will be flushed out. Let's recap, shall we?

Since the last time we met, Brendon did not use the veto, Adam & Dominic are still on the block and Kalia has singlehandedly crippled the Idaho potato market. Speaking of the human trash compactor, she's another one who thinks Big Brother will make her famous when she leaves the house. Famous like those people who eat all the hot dogs on the 4th of July or famous like that Ruby lady who never loses any weight? I'm not sure, but famous is what Kalia wants to be. Brendon & Shelly scoff at the ridiculousness of it all. Shelly can't imagine anyone in the "famous-making" industry wanting to deal with a messy high maintenance nightmare like Kalia. She never cooks. She never cleans. All she does is bitch bitch bitch about how things aren't up to her standards. Brendon bets she'll even complain about the Jury house. Shelly wonders how she'll fare in a house without a Diary Room she can run to whenever she feels the slightest ache or pain. You see, the second Kalia feels the hint of a bit of discomfort she runs to the DR to request a myriad of over the counter drugs. Midol, Motrin, Tylenol, Ex-Lax, Immodium, Benadryl, etc. Pain and Kalia don't mix. Bread and Kalia mix. Pretzels and Kalia mix. Frosting and Kalia mix. A giant vat of sour cream and Kalia mix. But alas, pain and Kalia do not mix. Here's a thought: Stop stuffing your insides to kingdom come and maybe the pain will subside, you giant blowhole! The only way Kalia is even a smidgen of Carrie Bradshaw is if she ate the entire cast of Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker is still trapped somewhere inside of her lower intestines. Fare thee well SJP!

Moving on... Lawon is outside with Brendon hearing for the very first time that there is a game of Big Brother going on. Brendon is telling him how several people in the house, namely his very own partner, have thrown him under the bus and blamed him for conspiring against the Oldies. Lawon fans himself furiously with some peacock feathers and requests a mint julep. All of this is news to him. After a few sips of the sweet nectar, Lawon composes himself and prepares for battle. He tells Brendon that he's going balls to the wall (which I think means throwing a white lacy handkerchief into the backyard and surrendering) for this next HOH. Brendon asks him who he'll nominate and Lawon, without hesitation, says Kalia. He wants to "slice off the fat" so naturally Kalia is the logical choice. Brendon asks Lawon if he's heard about how Kalia has been badmouthing him since day one. Lawon clutches his pearls and says he had no idea. He think Kalia must be targetting him because of his overwhelming fabulosity. Brendon agrees and pushes Lawon for a little more info before he trots off to his DAR meeting.

Lawon tells Brendon that Dominic kept him up all night kissing his ass. Even though Lawon has every intention of voting Dom out, he told the virginal sprite to keep fighting and defend himself. Brendon nods and then asks about Daniele. What has she been saying all night? Lawon sips his cocktail and says that Daniele really hasn't said much of anything. In fact, she tried to change the subject when the Late Night Crew tried to discuss game. Brendon shakes his head and says it doesn't sound like her. Lawon thinks some more and remembers that Daniele did ask about Shelly. Lawon thinks the girls in the house are intimidated by Shelly. Brendon disagrees. He thinks Shelly is more of a mom figure. The conversation ends with two kisses on the cheek and the fluffing of some petticoats. Brendon seems pleased with Lawon's loyalty and Lawon is late for his facial.

The day continued on somewhat slowly and after hours of contemplation, Dominic comes to terms with the fact that he should probably talk to the Oldies before he leaves the house. He heads up to the HOH to explain himself. He begins by saying that he knows he's going home, but he just wants them (Jeff, Brendon, Rachel) to hear him out first. Dominic insists that he was not the one who came up with the plan to backdoor Jeff. Jeff doesn't really care who came up with the plan. All he cares about is that Dominic was a part of it and did nothing to stop it. Dominic can't believe he's being punished for something that wasn't even his idea. Jeff calls him an "accessory" and says if he was so against the backdoor plan then he should have reported Daniele to the Oldies and filed a restraining order. Jeff also wants to know why Dom has been avoiding him all week. He waited until one hour before the veto meeting to finally approach Jeff and even then he was lying and playing dumb when Jeff tried to pump him for info about the backdoor plan. Dominic doesn't understand why it matters when he approached Jeff. Who cares if it was an hour before the veto ceremony? He says, "Big deal!" Jeff replies that it is a big deal. Timing is everything and you don't wait until the 11th hour to try to save yourself in this game. Dominic still doesn't get it. He insists he's just an innocent lamb in all of this. Daniele is his friend and he was just hanging out with her. It was never anything more than that. *cough* Bullshit *cough*

Rachel says they had planned on keeping Dom all along. The kept him when he voted against them week one. They kept him when he didn't help them in week 2. They were ok with the fact that he removed himself from the block in week 3. Dominic insists he'll be loyal from here on out. Jeff scoffs and asks how many chances can one guy get? There's no way they can keep Dominic in the house. Firstly, he has a terrible track record of not doing what the Oldies want. Secondly, he didn't report to Jeff everything Daniele has ever said ever in this game. Thirdly, he's still friends with Daniele after she completely fucked up his game. Dominic shakes his head and still doesn't understand why he's being punished for something Daniele did. He inists he's a "strong weapon" that can be used to their advantage. Rachel tells him that since they can't take out Daniele, they have to take out her closest ally and that would be Dominic. Again, Dom says they're just friends not allies.

Brendon asks Dominic if he won HOH, who would he put up. Dominic says Shelly. He hates that bitch. THEN he literally says, "I won't put up Daniele this week and I probably won't put her up the week after that", but pretty please can they just trust him that he's a loyal follower of the Oldies? Dominic is a putz. Sure, he could possibly take down the Oldies if teamed up with the right people, but when he argues with them he simply refuses to tell them what they want to hear. The key with the veterans is to just make them happy. Suck up your pride and lay on the compliments thick. Like Shelly! Shelly probably hates Brendon & Rachel with a burning passion, but they'd never know it because she's playing smart. She's being nice. She's not rocking the boat. She chooses what to reveal and what to keep secret. Dominic, on the other hand, has a mouth like Kalia's butthole after a burrito. It just spews and spews and spews. There's no filter. There's no "Would it be wise for me to withhold this information?" It's just, "Here's what I'm doing... I know you hate Daniele and want her dead, but I have no intention of getting her out of the house. But pretty please trust me that I'm on your side." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It must be immaturity. He hasn't learned the finesse of the shmooze. No wonder he hasn't gotten a chick into bed yet.

Like Kalia's food baby, the conversation is very circular. Jeff doesn't understand why Dominic didn't report the backdoor plan, Dominic says it wasn't his plan to report, Jeff tells him it's guilt by association, Dominic pledges his loyalty from here on out. Over and over, round and round. During about the eighteenth incarnation of the same bullshit, Jeff tells Dominic he killed his dog and bringing him a new dog isn't going to make it any better. In version nineteen, Jeff says it's like Dominic has an STD and why would he want to fuck someone with an STD? Dominic claims his STD is curable and so on and so forth. He tries to lay blame on Shelly, but no one is really buying it. It's clear he's looking for a scapegoat and Shelly was the wrong person to pick. Shelly hasn't led the entire house in an anti-Oldie march since day one. Shelly has voted how the Oldies wanted her to vote. And, most importantly, Shelly tells them precisely what they want to hear. They have no reason to doubt her yet whereas Dominic has a track record like Kalia's colon after a cornucopia of starches. Sometimes it's all knotted up and sometimes it gushes a foul stream of half liquid/half chunky fecal matter. Dominic is simply all over the place. He may be a home-schooled virgin, but the innocence ends there. He's a cocky son of a bitch who hasn't acquired the street smarts to know how to manipulate people in a believable fashion. He's like a little boy trying on his dad's oversized suit. He's a joke you take a picture of and then laugh at a later date and nothing more.

The conversation accomplishes nothing more than the Oldies waving around their muscles and Dominic begging for forgiveness. When it was over, Dominic left angry that his mad manipulating skills *flashes gang sign* didn't work yo. He whizzes past Daniele, mumbles something about not wanting to talk and then goes outside to benchpress some twigs. Daniele tells Kalia she's worried about what went on in the HOH room. She wonders how much Dominic told them. Kalia mumbles something in Valley Girl so I whipped off my headphones and headed to the liquor cabinet. Listening to Kalia speak is like listening to her eat. Like I said last night on Twitter, it's as if my skull cap has been removed and my exposed brain is being petted by Freddie Krueger. It's Enzo eating meets Brendon swallowing multiplied by Dick spitting. It's the stuff nightmares are made of and now I'm scared to sleep. Thanks for nothing Kalia.

Eventually, Daniele and Dominic have their long awaited conversation. Dominic says he's "so over it"and Daniele says she's the only one playing the game. Hold up there Pocahantas. You haven't competed. You haven't made alliances. You came up with a plan that will lead to your demise and you spend your days sleeping. If this is the Bizarro World, then, sure, you're playing. I'm sorry to say that this is Planet Earth and playing Big Brother actually entails a little more than sitting around calling everything "stupid". As much as I hate to admit it, the only people really playing the game are Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Shelly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Shelly is playing the social game Daniele should have been playing. Shelly's been safe since week 2, but she's not lying around whispering with her virgin. She's planting seeds, she's securing alliances, she's making friends and, most importantly, she's observing. Daniele hides herself under a comforter and claims to be a master at the game of Big Brother. You can't be a master if you don't know what's going on. You can't be a master if all you hear is what your peons are willing to tell you. You've got to get up and do the work.

Now, one would think that knowing her entire alliance is against her and realizing that her only friend in the house is about to go home would put Daniele on the blood riddled path to revenge. Surprisingly, she's still weighing her options. She flat out tells Dominic that she's not sure if she should nominate the Oldies if she wins HOH. Como what? They want your head on a spike, but now even you won't nominate them? *throws hands in the air* Look, I'm not a Daniele fan at all, but I was sort of hoping she'd win HOH next week. The thought of Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan shitting themselves is appealing to me. It's time we send at least one of them home NOW - before Jury. I would looooove for it to be Jeff only so he can deal with the Dumbledore aftermath and so Jordan would fall apart at the seams, but I'll take Brendon or Rachel as well. It's time for one of them to go home. I need to experience the fallout. I lust for the aftermath. I want some drama dammit!

Before I end this, I'd like to talk a little bit more about Shelly. Not everyone is seeing the magic of this leathery goddess. I could try to convince you, but I don't need to. Last night, in a gorgeous conversation with Kalia, Shelly with nary a smoky exhale, annihilated everything Kalia believed to be true. In one fell swoop, Shelly made Kalia cry, doubt everything she's ever been told and left her floundering like a fish out of a barrell. Shelly fully admits to being one of the votes that took out Keith and asks Kalia why she thinks Daniele is tight with her all of a sudden. It's a delicate seed planting process that causes Kalia much grief and doubt. Shelly also says a bunch of stuff about not lying which, for some reason, rubbed some Big Brother (McFly? Hello!) fans the wrong way. Lying is what we do here folks. Big Brother isn't a Christian Camp for do-gooders. It's a game for a half a million dollars. It's silly to expect Shelly not to do what she needs to do to play it. If she gets caught in her lies, then it becomes her problem, but so far she's pretty unscathed.

Anyhow, Shelly tells Kalia to be careful who she talks to. She implies that the alliances Kalia has made so far are pretty much made out of giant piles of cow dung. Kalia cries and says she doesn't know who to trust. Shelly straight shoots her with some bumper sticker wisdom and tells her to watch her back when it comes to Daniele. The Oldies don't care for Daniele. Therefore, they won't care for people who associate with her. Look at Dominic. Where did that friendship get him? Kalia seems to listen and absorb it all, but I doubt she'll act on it. I think at this point she's too scared to go against Daniele and team up with Shelly. It's a mistake she'll later regret. Kalia will not make it much farther in this game and her association with Daniele (or maybe the pungent stench that follows her around) could be precisely what sends her home. Whatever it is, I think it'll happen sooner rather than later and aren't we all a little thankful for that?

And that's where we'll end this today. Tomorrow is my Thursday day off and I'm thinking as long as Brendon, Jeff or Jordan don't win HOH, Thursday night and Friday will be hotbeds of activity. Dominic will go home and the big question on everyone's mind is whether or not a player will return to the game. Keith and Cassi are still in sequester. Does that mean something? It could. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? Comment it out bitches and I'll see you back here on Friday!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. I am going to have nightmares about the inside of Kalia's colon for
    rest of the week!! Have to agree with you on every bit if this...I cannot
    believe that no one has the balls to put up the geriatric alliance! I am
    sick af JeJo and Satan's minions running the show. Agreed about Shelly's social game as well!! Great job as per usual oh bitchy one!!!

  2. I can't wait for Kalia to be gone. She has bugged me from the first day with her boring constant chatter. And she has has something to say about everything.

  3. You know what your a rude poster! I hope that You have a farting problem too and your gas smells bad to. You rude blogger!!!!

  4. thats what i said exactly took the words right out of my mouth lol yeah shelly for the win

  5. note to Kalia... I see lots of casting calls on the social networks... to date none of those called for a glutonous t.o.o.t.e.r.

    shug... I don't think Kalia has any redeeming qualities...

    can't wait for the R.E.A.L. games to begin when everyone is playing individually...

  6. Anon @ 1:21 pm (the first one),
    Quite frankly, I'm surprised you understood a single word I said. Good on you!

  7. LOL You had me at "Adventures Of A Mistreated Colon". I was so close to wiping my lunch off the computer screen.

  8. Don't like Shelly, I don't think that slavering,ass kissing is game play. The HGs are on to her eavesdropping too, she's too sneaky. There is no way anyone would vote for her if she made final two, but she won't get there so it's not even a issue. It's all about getting to the jury house for Shelly which is sorry if you ask me.

  9. Well, as usual, you nailed it again!

    Kalia can be the next to go. She just comes off as real nasty,(& not the good kind of "nasty", but, the stank kind), superficial, annoying, boring, silly, trite, & just plain "DUMB!" It's about time for her to roll on outta there. She can use her own gas-wind to do so.

    Dom is an ass. He totally blew his shot. If Danielle can win the next HOH, then she may be able to do some real damage to the other smug BB vets. But she better make some other back-up allies or keep winning comps.

    I'm not a Shelly fan myself, but, have to admit she's playin' the game real good,... and of course, these absolutely foolish folks who've watched numerous seasons of this show can't still get the point that this is a competition that incorporates lying at times as a necessary part of the strategy with the ultimate objective of being the one to win $500 Thousand Bucks!!!

    Dr. Will was one of the best players this game ever had in part because of that. This a'int no Miss Congeniality contest! Players & fans that get bent out over good player moves just don't get the game.

    ,.... and at the rate Porsche's going, she'll be able to apply for becoming a hip-hop video phat-butt model by the time she gets out of the Big Brother House.

    I hope Shelly eventually shakes the game up for the BB vets & others.

  10. I read and love your blog cuz you tell it like it is and you don't sugar coat the stupid, annoying people. I also read another blog that is very good at reporting all the spoilers and everything that goes on 24/7. While they are good at reporting what goes on they don't report with any bias or favoritism. Everyone has a favorite and there are definitely people that you hate. Don't hide it. We all know Rachel is a bitch so when the other blog acts like she is this sweet, misunderstood person it bugs the shit out of me. The people that I am rooting for have changed dramatically because of who is playing the game and who isn't. I love your blog.

    So anon@1:21 can go suck it!

  11. hg went postal in the kitchen this afternoon...

    HOH tomorrow might be a good one !

  12. Great post - I needed that laugh!

  13. I've been reading Big Brother blogs for five years and I;ve never seen anything this awesome:

    "Dominic, on the other hand, has a mouth like Kalia's butthole after a burrito."

    Congratulations. You're the queen of reality show snark.

    Brenchel should have put Jeffordan on the block.

  14. ahhhh it's great to be reading your blog again. you cracked me up as usual. i shudder to think what kalia's eating and speaking must sound like because i haven't heard either of those. maybe i'm lucky. like 2 girls and a cup, it's best left unwatched in the end. great job lala, as always.

  15. It took me all day to get to reading this in full b/c of the high drama on the feeds today, but now I'm actually glad it took me so long.
    I'm glad because you analyzed that whole Kalia/Shelly scene and now it is glaringly obvious that Shelly started the chain of events that led to today's smackdown. She stripped Kalia of her confidence which had Kalia go insane and led to her confronting Brendon. Shelly is really good at getting drama produced and I love her for it.
    Now I understand your Thursday off thing, but today was a good feed day, so I hope whence you return that you will be covering shiz?

  16. The only streets smarts Dom has is..... sesame street smarts. And I'm sick of looking at tyler perry's ashy armpits& back fat. Stop wearing skinny girl fashion like short booty shorts....eww
    Mabe I'll just call her professor anus from now on.

  17. Hey's a cool nickname to use for kalia....its "COWLIA" :-)

    loving ur blog better everytime now that i see u like Shelly...i love her gameplay also..very smart player so far... :-)

  18. I don't know if it's intentional, but you somehow always find really funny pictures of Brendon. He looks like such an idiot. XD But anyway, I'm not mad you talk of Kalia's fecal matter, I'm not mad you made Dom (who I was rooting for til I found out he really did throw the Veto) look like a horrible player, I'm not even mad you said Daniele hasn't done much even when her plan could have and almost worked...but I am mad you made me respect Rachel and Brendon. I hate to say it too, but they're dominating and Chenbot should just hand over the fucking money now. Shelly is playing a great game, but I can't see her winning any comps. If she gets to the "match the face" comp she'd probably stop for a cigarette. Who the hell else is there? Great update, a shame you couldn't write about the huge house meeting/crazy fight. Would have loved to read your thoughts. Great job as always :)

  19. "Look, I'm not a Daniele fan at all, but I was sort of hoping she'd win HOH next week. The thought of Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan shitting themselves is appealing to me. It's time we send at least one of them home NOW - before Jury. I would looooove for it to be Jeff only so he can deal with the Dumbledore aftermath and so Jordan would fall apart at the seams, but I'll take Brendon or Rachel as well. It's time for one of them to go home. I need to experience the fallout. I lust for the aftermath. I want some drama dammit!"

    yep. this pretty much sums it up for me.

  20. Daniele wins!!!!!!!!!!

  21. OMG, you are hilarious! You should write books, I would most definitely read them!

  22. Just an observation. Why do they act all lovey when Julie is talking to them on the live show?


    Interview with Julie during the live show: "Aw, tee hee, everything's okay now Julie. We all love each other and made handwritten romantic haiku poems for each other right after we all made love in a big squishy pile in the HOH bedroom."

    Am I the only one who wishes someone would have a psychotic break on live TV and start screaming old-timey racist comments and throwing feces (Kalia, I'm looking at you...)?

  23. @Megan
    Ducklips is just acting that way to change public perception. Not working, still an ugly annoying cunt!

  24. First, I just happened upon your BLOG and enjoy it a lot! Secondly, as far as the people who think Shelly is playing an awesome game, or worse, is a HERO, I remember another player who played exactly the same game and was blasted for it and was thrown out immediately! Anyone remember Ronnie??? His gameplay was villified! He did the same thing, going around to everyone and making this deal and that with everyone and telling this side what the other side said and did, and then acting like he wasn't really making deals with the "other side," oh no, it was just that he was hiding, to the other side, that he was really with their side. Please. 

    There's no doubt that she definitely nods "yes" to people and has no intention of doing whatever it is she just had nodded about to people she knows trust in her. She betrays them every time, and it's so obvious that I don't know why she is not constantly being outed! AND she will editorialize a conversation to the point where it is simply untrue! When Dom was trying to get votes to stay, he wanted hers and counted those he had, and she immediately went upstairs and SAID that he was counting people to get a group together to go after the vets! LIE! Only as an (obvious) eventuality did he even bring that part up--Shelly was saying it more than he did within that conversation!

    I think it is unbelievable that in the "house meeting" (read: vocal brawl) NOBODY outed Shelly for being a two-faced narc, telling everybody what they want to hear, so that no matter what happened, she would be golden! Well, only Kalia, and only about lying about her first vote! And selective lying is still lying, so I'm pretty sick of her saying all the time that she's taking the "high road" and "playing an ethical game." WHAT?!?!?! And anyway, if your aim in life is to live an ethical life, all the time, then Big Brother is not the game to play. She totally lied to Cassie the whole time and Cassie really really trusted her! She broke up their alliance immediately, betraying her to go with the veterans, but never said a word about it until Cassie walked right out the door, due in a large part to Shelly. 

    She's only getting props for playing a good game right now because unlike others who have made the same mistake as she did, and went around making everyone her friend/ally, nobody has yet called her out on it, which should have been the exact reason for the house meeting! To help everyone who has been promised the world by the veterans see that they promised EVERYONE THAT! I was honestly flabberghasted that Jordan was going to call a house meeting when they were lying to so many people about their position with them in the game! But nobody, NOBODY called THEM out on any of it, especially Danni who knows about all of it, because she was with them, and was privvy to it all, until she wanted to have a duo partner again, which although they still had their duo partners, she was "evil" to want one too! C'mon! Are you kidding me with their crazed entitlement issues! 

    And although I rooted for Jeff and Jordan to a certain degree in their previous season, this one has really opened my eyes to just how ignorant, homophobic (not good, me being a big ol' lesbo--much 
    Iike Shelly, who I call "the lesbian-non-lesbian") and really grossly arrogant and bullying they are, especially Jeff. Danni would have been better served to speak only to Jordan at all times and manipulate her emotions surrounding Danni's entitlement, that they refused to allow, of her own half of a duo. She may have seen with her heart rather than Jeff, with his paranoia, which is like, jeez, did he think he was no threat to anyone? They are only obviously trying to run the house and pick everybody off! That shouldn't be seen as a threat? What an idiot.

    Anyway, that's my two cents. Or a dollar and half, whichever.

  25. I disagree regarding Shelly. Had she stuck with the newbies from day one I would not have to be looking at DUMB Jordan, Silly Brendan, & "who the hell do you think you are Jeff"! I dislike Kalia as much as Shelly. I like Danielle very much so far. The others in the house are non entities at this point.

  26. I so agree with Megan L, and am HAPPY someone else sees Shelly as the Ronnie in the house.
    I was also disappointed that she wasn't revealed for her lies more so.

  27. Damn! That Shelly woman must make a seriously real mean slop pancake! Combined with all that cleanin' n' meal fixin', seems like everybody just plumb forgot to even call her out on her playin' everyone!

    Hope Brendan or Jeff gets the BB boot-out the house next! That'd be a real hoot!

  28. It's early Sunday morning and no blog for Friday- everything okay?

  29. It's Saturday. I had some personal stuff to take care of yesterday. Today's blog will be up in a few hours. Thanks.