Friday, September 2, 2011

Cut The Cord

There are no more gumdrops, no more lollipops. No more leather handbags, no more mahogany tables. Straight shootin', darn tootin' Cowgirl Shelly has left the building and somewhere the longhorns dip their heads in tribute. I will miss my leathery goddess and the delicate tapestries of lies she so expertly wove together. Physically, she was a string bean. Socially, she was a jelly bean. Sweet and fruity, yummy and bright. Your best friend one minute and your mortal enemy the next, Shelly breathed life into this somewhat lackluster season of Big Brother. It was a smoky Folgers Crystals breath of life, but it was a breath of life nonetheless. Fare thee well Coyote Ugly. I have no idea how I'll make it through this last week without you. Let's recap, shall we?

The Dragon Lady has moseyed on out of the house and we've got ourselves an HOH to play. Actually, let me rephrase that - Rachel has herself an HOH to play. Specifically designed with a Rachel victory in mind, that doughnut competition was a joke. I think you and I both know that there was no way in hell Kalia, Adam, or Jordan was going to win that comp. Adam is too big and clumsy, Kalia has the stamina of molasses, and Jordan isn't awake enough to know what the hell is going on. Only Rachel had a shot in hell to win and win she did. Rachel is our new HOH.

By the time the feeds return, the house is relatively quiet and solemn. Kalia is actually nervous that she voted to evict to Adam and Jordan is angry she didn't win the HOH herself. First off, why would anyone be scared of Adam? He wouldn't know the meaning of retribution if it sat on his face. Adam is there for one purpose and one purpose only: to side with whomever is in power. Good for nothing, uninteresting, boring, lazy, Adam will go down in history as the worst casting decision ever made on Big Brother. The only talent he has is the power of invisibility which is pretty remarkable considering how large and freakish looking he is. Secondly, Jordan is down. Oh what a sad clown. The sleepy princess hasn't won anything since it was thrown to her in week 2 and now she's got a bad case of the sads. She insinuates that Rachel should have probably thrown the HOH to her this week as next week is likely to be questions and Jordan couldn't answer her way out of a paper bag. Rachel poo-poo's the negativity and decides that her victory is a good thing. Instead of whining and giving herself premature frown lines, Jordan should be on her knees thanking Rachel for carrying her ass through this game. Why Rachel continues to protect little miss winner is a mystery to me. It has to dawn on her at some point that in a Rachel/Jordan final two, there's a very good chance that Jordan could win... again!

Jordan's main concern this week is Porsche. She wants her out because she fears the fabled Adam/Porsche alliance. Rachel disagrees and thinks Kalia is the better choice. Kalia is a brute when it comes to questions and I think that scares the living shit out of Rachel.

Rachel gets her HOH room and it was full of tequila and birdseed. Actually, I have no idea what she got. I passed out before the reveal and by the time BBAD started, the celebrations were over. I like the idea of Rachel getting birdseed and one of those parrot swings to swing on while chugging from a bottle of liquor though. Boxes of cereal and packages of beef jerky are so ten years ago. HOH's should get new wardrobes, streamers, and stuff to make the other HG's jealous. You got to give players like Adam actual incentive to want to win. Throw in some jewelry and flatscreen tv's. Make throwing an HOH a completely absurd idea. I want to see the losers seething with jealousy while winners like Rachel get to gloat over new sequined tops and the fancy bird toys that line her cage. Big Brother needs an extreme makeover. We need some glitz and glamour. No more recycled competitions. No more wicker baskets. Just because Allison Grodner lives in her own miserable world of complacency doesn't mean we have to as well.

Rachel gets called to the Diary Room and the HOH reveal ends with a fizzle. Jordan starts pressuring Adam to distance himself from Porsche and Adam, for god knows what reason, starts thinking about Tori Spelling. This is actually interesting because last night Allison "I suck at this" Grodner tweeted "If the new HOH opens Pandora's Box, one House Guest in particular will be very happy." In addition, I believe Julie Chen said something about a celebrity visit next week. The Twitter world is divided on the celebrity visit being either Tori Spelling or Ashton Kutcher. Tori Spelling makes sense because A.G. specifically said "one house guest in particular" would be surprised. From the very beginning, all Adam has ever wanted was to meet Tori Spelling. No other HG has obsessed over a specific celeb like Adam has over Tori. As far as the Ashton rumor is concerned, people think he'll show up to promote Two and a Half Men. First off, Two and a Half Men doesn't need a rinky dink show like Big Brother to promote it. Everyone knows Ashton is taking over. It's one of the biggest stories of 2011. Besides, why would "one house guest" be blown away by Ashton visiting? I would think all of them would. I'm leaning towards Tori Spelling only because of the way the tweet was worded and, besides, she'll show up to the opening of an envelope. Then again, all of this begs the question, "Why surprise useless Adam with anything at all?" *shrugs shoulders* I don't know who is coming or who will benefit. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Plus, this all depends as to whether or not Rachel even opens the damn thing. The surprise could be as lame as Brendon for all we know.

Rachel comes back from the Diary Room and has a brief meeting with Jordan in the HOH. Her plan for this week is to nominate Kalia and Porsche. If one of them wins, Adam will go up in their place. However, Jordan wonders if Adam could win and take Porsche off the block. In that case Jordan would go up in her place and then go home. As blissful and as perfect as that sounds to me, the idea of Adam winning anything before the season is over is ridiculous. Besides, would Adam really have the balls to actually use the POV and risk pissing off Big Red? No way.

Speaking of Adam, it actually bothers Rachel that she has to get rid of a competitor this week rather than a dormant lump like Adam. She's content focusing on Kalia, but she's also bothered by it. I think the idea of Adam getting to the end nauseates Rachel as much as it nauseates all of us. I just wonder if the idea of Jordan slithering through bothers her as well. It should. Rachel's done all the work while all Jordan has done is sleep, cry, make a few laps around the backyard, and sit around with a pissed off look on her face. The idea of Rachel winning even one dollar sickens me to the core, but the idea of Jordan winning anything sickens me even more. Rachel's best plan of attack is to get rid of Jordan this week. It's smart, easy, and she'd still probably get Jordan's vote in the end anyways. Rachel's best chance of winning is if she goes up against a Newbie. Now is the time for her to start thinking about her final two odds. She needs to approach the Newbies and make it sound like it's in their best interest to make a final two deal with her. She should tell them the only vote she really has in the Jury House (were she to evict Jordan) would be Brendon. It would be a shame for her blind loyalty to Jordan to get in the way of her accomplishing what she's worked so hard for. Jordan will never talk to her again after this summer is over anyways. Cut the cord now Rachel. Send Jordan home and I swear I'll stop making parrot jokes at your expense.

So, that's it for now. Not much else to report. I have to go out of town for the weekend so I will be back on Tuesday. Comment it out bitches and have a great Labor Day everyone!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. Tori has a wedding planning show on Oxygen, from what I've been told. Could the PB be good for both Rachel & Adam?

  2. Gotta hand it to her: Shelly played certainly the best game this season, arguably the best in years. It's a shame she had to leave.

    Have a good weekend, Colette!

  3. Precise and wise, as per usual, interlaced with snicker-worthy truths. Love it.


  4. It will be Tori with a wedding lure for Rachel no doubt. BB is so rigged it's not even fun anymore. How Allison G thinks she's fooling anyone is beyond me. Great blog, LaLa, can't wait for Survivor!

  5. Big Rick is proud of Big Colette for picking herself up and shaking off the effects of losing Queen Melanoma; her favorite house guest of the season. While I never understood Big Colette's fondness for Ms Squamous Cell 2011, I admired Big Colette's admiration for the leathery one, and eventully came to appreciate Ms Smoky as "A Player" and the not the consummate floater I first thought her to be.

    I must say, however, watching the Marlborro SheMan beg and plead for her life last week was just plain sad.

    Big Rick is jumping on the Red Devils bandwagon now. While I wouldn't F her with Shelly's dick, I would enjoying seeing the early-on most hated house guest in America, rise up and claim the 1/2 mil payday at the end. If that happens, Big Rick votes Big Rachael as come-back slut of the century.

  6. I really wanted Shelley to stay, but I knew it just wasn't happening. It really was in their best interests to vote her out, even if they did do it out of spite.

    At this point, I'd rather see Porsche win. I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon than see Jordan win.

  7. Very rarely does a TV show piss me off to the point that that pissivity (not a real word) begins to lead to depression... Congrats BB13, you've entered rare air. I'm mad I wasted thirty dollars on the feeds; I probably could have given you that money Lala and called it a day. I might just do that next year as a matter of fact.

    I think Rachel will most definitely open Pandora's Box because her and Jordan are relatively safe this week. I don't doubt she'll "talk through it" in a DR session this week. I find it absolutely spectacular that Adam is going to try and win now, there must be a hidden switch that turns the suck off that I didn't know about. Floating may be his strategy, but deciding to win after throwing everything before isn't an option unless 1)The competition is designed for you a la Rachel and the recent HOH or 2)It's thrown to you a la Jordan, in pretty much everything she's ever won. Unless, the next HOH/POV is bacon identification or 90210 trivia, I'm certain that Enzo lite will approach the original Enzo's record for losing every comp he's been apart of to this point in the house.

    There's literally no one in the house I care about anymore... and I don't know if I care to another minute of Suckfest 13. (Expletive deleted) Maybe next year...?

  8. It is ironic that Enzo took Adam's spot last year.

  9. Well,.....

    Knew that Ms. Coyote Ugly was a goner, & sorry to see her go, but, agree with you that as annoyingly obnoxious as I've found Big Red to be this season, I'd still have to admit she really played the game hardcore & I'd rather see her win than Jordan or Bacon Adam.

    That would just be so wrong after how she's done all summer.

    Still hope Porsche can pull off a final two & possible win.

    Either way, other than the humor & fun of this here blog, this season of BB was generally just a big ol' bust.

  10. Rachel is too loyal to get rid of Jordan. I'm not sure she'll ever have it in her mind to get rid of Jordan. Also for the fact if she takes Jordan to the Final 2 Production will give her... a brand new CAR! She'll definitely open Pandora's box, because she'll immediately think Bookie is inside. When you said cutting the cord, I thought you meant about the show. Which I have. Completely. I was actually rooting for Rachel too for about 3 days, a new record. I was happy to see Porsche win HOH though, and was hoping the group would band together to get rid of Jordan. Alas, I was naive and believed such a feat was possible. I was delusional about seeing Jeff go, and so of course I forgot, even for a day, Production has had this season rigged from the beginning. I can't watch a show that's so predictable. I can't watch a show that's so favored to one side. Forget the HOH basket, and comps, the WHOLE DAMN SHOW NEEDS A MAKEOVER. If this is how future seasons are going to be, then I regret even being a fan in the first place. My hatred for Jesse blinded me in season 11, but now I understand why he's still bitter. As for the celeb, I couldn't care less. It's just a way to get people to watch this awful season. I say give the money to the damn fish.

  11. According to OBB:
    Pandora's box was opened. Rachel was stuck in HOH with Jessie (didn't they do that bit last yr??). Adam got to meet...wait for it....wait for it....Torrie Spelling. It would be a big deal if it was still 1993.

    Three words:

    I'm so mad that I still follow this pig-fuck of a season.

  12. Does production really think the viewers are this stupid? 1. visit from Tori Spelling for Adam; 2. visit from Jesse for Rachel; 3. 3 minute shopping spree for the HGs.

    BB is a big hot contrived mess. Every time the vets were in trouble production came to the rescue.

    Production should just pick who they planned to win on Sunday and call the show a wrap.

  13. What I find so amazing pathetic is how rigged this show has become and how awfully they rigged it. They rigged it to get Brendon back in the house (which no real viewer wanted), they rig it to keep Jordan and Rachel in (which no one wants to watch), they rig it so Rachel wins HOH (which is also completely uninteresting).

    How awesome would it have been to see Dom or Cassi come back in and team up with Dani? That would have been interesting. Instead we get Brendon who walks in and then is obviously going to walk right back out.

    I understand why you would want to rig a show, I just don't understand why they decided to do it like this?

  14. Shelly should start a series seminars
    "How to be a master manipulator" and travel to all the hotels coast to coast!

  15. The most hated phrase on television?

    "Who wants to see my HOH room!?!?!?

    That weekly part of the show is stale and needs to stop! Production seems to think it's this warm, tender, heartfelt moment, while in truth, it blows. And it blows Hard!!! It blows more then Regan at a cabana boy convention.

    If there's to be a BB14, the show needs a top to bottom shake up, and the weekly parade up the stairs to see the house guest stare in wide-eyed wonder at a candy basket has to go.

    What's your most hated part of the show?

  16. I have an idea for BB14 - Senior Citizens Addition. They can be really funny - I know cuz I am one. I could beat Adam in comps (I still can't believe he's only just turned 40) Definitely, not 'garage kept'!! Never thought I'd say it, but I'm rootin for Rachel FTW. Dani for America's Fav!!!

  17. Maybe I am reading more into your blog than I should... but it appears you are rooting for Big Red now. I have to admit that I actually like her more this season than I thought I would. Yes, she has always been good TV... but I am actually rooting for her. I shake my head at myself in the mirror... and then I think... well, who else is in there to root for now?

    I really hope the hate for Shelly dies down before she gets out in the real world. Just awful! Even Big Red didn't have it that bad I think.

    I have a question for ya'll. Do you think in a final two with Jordan and Rachel that Shelly will vote game (Rachel) or vote apology (Jordan) and do you really think that her vote will decide anything anyway.

    I'm Rachel FTW now too. SHOCKER!!!!

  18. i disagree. if racheal gets to the final two aganist jordon or anyone else for that matter. she will win big brother 13. the game play alone would get her the jury votes. being a constant target of everyone and her back aganist the wall every week. the whole house even jordon wanted her out. she has transformed into a very crafty,cagey more balanced gamer. even dani would vote for her and sway her legion of newbies to vote the same. racheal is tuff as nails and loyal to a fault. jordon knows she is lucky to have rach as an alliance. rach might not make it to the final two but i would not bet againist her.

  19. They need to infuse some "Bad girls club" type drama into BigBrother. They need some hood rats up in there,some trashy bitches the kind that shop at DEB.

  20. Big Rick: I call the HOH room segment the "bathroom break"

    PatG: Senior BB is a dream of mine. I actually spend time (at work) dreaming up challenges for 50+ BB and Survivor. I'd love to see it - might even love to play it (if it was easy enough!)

    and Stacked: I like Rachel more when Brendon's not around. I even almost like him (almost) when she's not around. They're a toxic couple. I think Shelly should vote for Rachel but will vote for Jordan, for the reason you set out.

  21. I'm rooting for these bloggers. I've been to other sites and I cringe at their lack of maturity, knowledge, heart, gamesmanship and intelligence. I always know, with a few exceptions that can be easily overlooked, that Ms. Lala's bloggers are the most interesting and indeed witty as any out there. I love reading these comments (not as much as the blog itself but close) with a smirk. So I'm now raising my glass of gin on the rocks with glitter on my tits and saying, "Here's to us! We rock!" And it is us who I am now rooting for. :-)

  22. I'm so over this season. The last two comps were basically rigged for Big Red. (Just switch dummies for bananas - can you be less obvi BB?) I just don't have any interest in this contrived mess anymore.

    Sigh... so over it. Jordan probably wins. Damn it!

  23. I have definitely been rooting for Rachel and I hope she wins $500,000. However, I think Brendan will make short work of her big win.

    Way back in the season, Rachel told Dominic how she made a lot of money working in Vegas. She paid for half of her car in cash, she had no debt or student loans and had $50,000 in savings. After a year with that loser Brendan, they only have one car - hers, she has paid all of the bills and is now basically broke. How sad for her.

    A few days ago, the girls were discussing the post season trip to Vegas where the most recent HGs socialize with previous HGs and fans. But don't look for Rachel. She can't go. She has to stay and set up their apartment. Anyway, Brendan doesn't want her going without him and he has to stay home and study. Again, how sad for her.

    I hope Rachel wins and CBS immediately puts the money in a trust so that Brendan cannot benefit from it. If not, he will probably get the best wedding, car and education her money can buy. He should not be allowed to emotionally and financially ruin the girl.

  24. I love you Bitch! Well done as always!! Have a great weekend. Pixie

  25. Straight Shooter is fallen her two faces opened up and swallowed her. The dark underworld mourns the loss of their leathery Princess, who will weave our web, who will blow smoke up our bare bottoms, more important who will clean the toilets! Fear not, Straight Shooter is cleaning toilets and swearing she didn't in that jury house down below. I can't believe I'm saying this but the Red Headed Mattress Trasher deserves to win this season! Her or the Chrysler Cellulite.

  26. Let me squash this rumor before it festers into fact, I am NOT rooting for Rachel. I said the thought of her making even one dollar sickens me. However, were she to win over Jordan, I would be ok with that. If Adam were to win over Jordan, I'd be ok with that too. All I care about is that Jordan does not win. I'm not rooting for anybody. I'm simply rooting against Jordan.

  27. Sorry to see Shelly go I just feel like she was 1 more good pitch away from staying but out of 13 hgs by far the most interesting to watch play game.

    these game talks that are left in house is pure comedy from all of them

    What I found so hilarious Is J&R going arounds last 2 weeks saying if we all stuck to plan blah blah& saying if this or that one wouldnt have jumped ship we& u wouldnt be in this spot Last time i checked only 5 people fit in F5.Even more hilarious is no one saying back to them if we stuck to plan we wouldnt be here& it be 5 vets? anyways its just hilarious how some of these talks are going.

    Kalia still blabbing on about deal with Jordan is just out right what Im thinking besides the twist messed up so many peoples game
    That single one deal if you really think about it was the worst gameplay ever cuz Jordan should have been on block& not Lawon


  28. Agree that no one left is worth rooting for, but, anyone winning over Ms. Daftness Jordan would be preferable. She shouldn't be rewarded for nothing again. This season was/is a big disappointment.So, again, congratulations to this site for being so entertaining & so much FUN throughout it all,... & also a cool shout-out to Ms.QK for her accurate other BB-13 sites observation comments, Bitchy BB Blog rootings, & glittery tits! "Here's us & to you, too!"

  29. Sorry,.. "Here's To us & To you!"

  30. I'll miss the leathery goddess of marlboros.

    Big Jeff acted like a tool in the jury house. I think I think Daniele more than ever.

    Adam won veto. I doubt he'll use it because he has no balls.

    Go Porsche Go.

  31. So Adam has won the pov...he is not going to use it on kalia or Porshe.

    I FUCKING hate his cowardly play.
    Seriously, if he uses it. Jordan goes up and goes home.

    Rachel can't play HOH, so she gets nominated and might be out. But he so wants to be JJ friends so he won't go against her.

    At least if he helped get rid of Rachel and,Jordan it would be a game move.

    Give me SOMETHING to respect you for.

    Worst "player" ever. I can't stand that people actually defend him on OBB threads by saying that he's playing as good a social game as princess Jordan.

  32. I agree with you all the way about the worst player ever...ever ever...

    He is stupidist person who comes on the support others to win JJ because of course they would support you... Are you kidding they talk about you behind your back all the time but nooooo Adam still loves you and want them to win all the money.... to show his loyality to two strangers who are mean hearted and so arrogant that their heads especially Jeff who thinks he is god but is really the Devil and and Jordan is his helper.. Adam would not even think of that kind of game play he is too busy kissing but.. Thanks Anonymous for calling him out.......

  33. For all the talk Rachel has done about wanting "floaters" out, she is a hypocrite. The two biggest floaters in the game make up her alliance. Jordan should be going this week and Adam right behind her, leaving the final HOH comp to three biggest competitors. But Rachel is going to drag Jordan and Adam to the final two if it kills her, it will definitely cost her, because Jordan will win again just because she is America's sweetheart. Ugh! If my daughter was half as dumb and self-centered as that woman, I'd beat her.

  34. Adam whacks off to Jeff's picture every night.

  35. :::Downs a shot of Patron::: ahhhh...k, here I go... Sucky season, but at this juncture, I hope that Rachel takes the money. I, like LALA, DO NOT want Jordan to take any money, or bacon boy for that matter! I believe the best shot for Rachel is to take bacon boy to the final 2 if she can. I can't believe the Jury would vote for Adam over Rachel on game play. I'mma lovin' the idea for Senior Big Brother..50 plus BABY! LMAO! AG will never go for it though, cause she has no imagination. Everyone knows the authenticity of BB left along with the first producer..whatever his name was..damn shame. Kalia be gone this week, then Jordan following. Let the 3-way battle between Rachel, Porsche, and Adam begin!

  36. MISS LALA-
    Someone in a Dani fan room sent me here, thank god. Your blog, as you well know, kicks total ass. I have agreed with everything you've said thus far that I've read. Weeks ago, after Shelldon, the smoky goddess of leather, mind-fucked Kaluah into nominating Mr. LaWonderful, I abhorred her. But I learned, in that moment, my abhorrence was misplaced. Shelldon was the MISTRESS of BB13, playing Kaluah like a fiddle (an instrument Shelldon probably Learned as a child of the hillbilly clan from whence she sprang). Mainly I was bitter b/c Shelldon bested even DANI's strong influence ("these are not the droids you seek"). Us Dani fans saw the writing on the BB walls, and it came to pass. Even then, through the fog of hate, I saw how Shelldon had played an awe-inspiring social game. Then, when she voted to keep Dani, despite knowing the Red Devil wouldn't flip on Jordunce and Technotronics, i saw the end was near for her. But I was appreciative of her huge push to keep Dani.
    In the end, after the crush of losing Dani, and the high of seeing Technotronics explode all over The Chen-Bot, and K and P's Exciting wins, I am bereft at the HORRIFIC influence Allison Grodner has had on this once-fun and -interesting social experiment. She needs to be kicked upstairs, fired, or quit. Either that, or she should rig it for a Red Devil/Ford f-150 finale. I will not be satisfied with anything less. If Adumb or Jordunce wins a DIME, I will not stop vomiting. Ever.
    I WISH CBS would put cameras in the jury house and let us choose to watch THAT instead of the remaining HGs.

    I love you, Collete. You are my new bestie (against your will, I'm sure). Now, I'm off to find some glitter for my tatas, and some gin for my gullet. Adieu.

  37. This entire season was a total waste. I am to the point that I don't care anymore who wins as long as I don't have to hear Rachel's voice EVER again. I would rather use a powered up chain saw to clean my ears that to have to hear her utter 1 more phrase!

  38. Lala:
    I hope you send a copy of every one of your blog entries to someone important at CBS. And I don't mean Allison Grodner either. Send it to her boss. Or even her boss's boss. They deserve to know what this show was, is and could become.
    You made this completely worthless season fun for me. Thanks so much.
    And please let us know when you decide to write a book because I'm pre-ordering it!