Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Quid Pro Quo
Trudging through the murky misery that is Big Brother 13, I find myself covered in fecal matter, sludge, and cornflakes. You may ask yourselves, "Why cornflakes, Lala?" Well, here's my answer: Cornflakes are boring. They're bland. They're banal. They're unseasoned, unsweetened, and often need something like fruit or yogurt to dress them up. We're pulling into the final stretch and when I look back at all I've seen since July, I just kind of roll my eyes and shrug one shoulder in that infuriatingly nonchalant way that would make someone want to punch me. Christ, I want to punch me. When I think of all the outdoor activities and social gatherings I shunned for those first 6 weeks, I begin to question my sanity and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Big Brother 13 was set up to fail the moment they announced the duos returning. Robyn Kass couldn't do the job of finding 13 or 14 entertaining people and, in return, we were punished for it. We, the innocent fans, who have stayed faithful throughout the years were punished. I don't know about you, but I'm pissed off about it. I'm Joan Crawford "Damn mad!" about it. Let's rant, shall we?
Look, I love Big Brother. I've watched it in three countries, blogged it for years, and put my life on hold for it for months at a time. It was all justifiable because what I was doing/watching was entertaining. That is all I ask from any tv show I watch or write or about it - ENTERTAIN ME. It's the reason I watch and it's the reason you watch. Television's job is to either entertain or inform. As Big Brother is in the "entertainment" category, I can, without a doubt, conclude that Big Brother 13 is a giant festering failure of funk.
Any reality tv show's success, whether it be Big Brother, Bad Girls Club, Real World, or the Jersey Shore, depends on casting. CASTING! A show based on the everyday happenings of real life people has to be propelled by the very people being documented. Let's imagine for a moment if the Bad Girls Club was full of shy, quiet, studious types or if the Jersey Shore was just a bunch of kids who thought premarital sex was a bad thing. Casting makes or breaks a show and for the past 2 years, Big Brother's casting has been an insult to us all.
The key to casting Big Brother is to cast BIG personalities. You want confident, manipulative, and charismatic people in the house. You want people who aren't afraid to express themselves, people who are willing to stand up for what they believe in, people with opinions, people who are passionate, and people who don't hide behind what they think we all want to see. When you cast a bunch of lumps who are satisfied with the status quo, you've called my mother a whore and kicked my dog. I take it as a personal insult when someone hand delivers me a person like Adam Poch and expects me to be entertained by him. Exactly how stupid and zombie-like do you think I am Robyn Kass? Am I supposed to eat up someone like Adam Poch and ask for seconds? Give me a little credit, why don't you. I'm smarter than that. I'm better than that. I deserve a go-getter. I deserve a little personality. How you interview and screen thousands of people every season and come up with a waste of space like Adam Poch is a mystery to me.
If casting ordinary people who come to the auditions is so fucking difficult, then, by all means, recruit. Recruit actors and models for all I care - at least those people are in the industry of entertaining. As entertainers tend to be charismatic and outspoken, I'm all for it. Take, for example, Russell Kairouz of Big Brother 11. I don't think he was a model or an actor, but he was a recruitment. As a person, he wasn't my cup of tea, but as a player he was pretty off the charts entertaining. I can still remember where I was, what I was wearing, and exactly what I was doing the day Russell crawled on his stomach up to the HOH room to have a secret meeting with Ronnie. I was on my treadmill approaching the 40 minute mark when I leapt off and damn near broke my face in an effort to run over to my computer and drink in the amazing scene unfolding before me. I want to feel like that again. I want to be shocked. I want to be surprised. I want to catch my breath and literally bite my fist in anticipation of what could possibly happen next. In contrast, with Big Brother 13 I sit with a scowl on my face and glare at my computer in resentment. I watch the houseguests nap and daintily tiptoe their way through the game. I wake up in the morning and ask myself, "How the hell am I supposed to turn this into an entertaining blog?" I shouldn't have to ask myself that. There are 24 hours in a day and $500,000 on the line. I should be clicking through pages upon pages of notes, sifting through dozens of screencaps, and chomping at the bit to tell you all what went down in the house yesterday. Instead my notes read: Adam didn't use the POV. Kalia sad.
What really chaps my ass is how Grodner's team knows this season sucks and, in response, has resorted to cheap hokey tactics to entertain the CBS viewing audience. Had Robyn Kass and Allison Grodner not made the the mistake they made in casting in the first place, CBS wouldn't have to invent last minute Pandora's Boxes and drag people like Tori Spelling into the house. Since the cast was hopeless from the start and it was pretty evident around week 2 or 3 that this was going to be a lackluster season, new people should have been brought in and the game should have been revamped. It's done all the time in the UK. New people are brought in well after the half way mark, multiple evictions are made, housemates are forced to scramble, and it's like having an entirely new season laid out before you. My motto is: If there's a problem, fix it. Just fucking fix it. Bringing Brendon back, designing comps for certain vets to win, and dressing up Adam with primal screams and meeting his dream woman is not fixing the problem. It's putting a giant sign over it that says: "Look the other way please. Look at the shiny Tori Spelling over there. Nothing to see here." Again, how stupid does CBS think we all are?
Typically, I come here and pick on the players, but today I'm laying all of the blame on Allison Grodner and Robyn Kass. Had you done your jobs right from the get go, I wouldn't have spent my summer bitching and moaning about how boring and useless this cast is. I'm not exactly sure how it works in tv land, but when people in the real world don't do their jobs to the best of their ability, they're fired. I think you two ladies need to hand in your resignations and pass the torch on to someone younger, someone with newer ideas. Competitions shouldn't be recycled, favoritism shouldn't be an issue, and it shouldn't be a struggle for me to force myself on a daily basis to watch your little dog and pony show. The only reason you survive in the ratings is because you have little to no competition and a fiercely loyal online fanbase. If you can't do the show right, then don't do it at all. I'd rather you take it off the air then have to watch it go down in flames like it has. I respect the institution that is Big Brother too much to watch you and your staff cast lifeless uninteresting people time and time again. What's worse is that we can all see your giant hands manipulating the game more than ever. It's insulting.
In closing, I truly love the game of Big Brother and when someone takes a giant dump on top of something I love, I get angry. When someone insults me with dismal players, I become furious. When blatant manipulation is flashed in front of me, I begin to seethe. I don't know if anyone of any importance will ever see this blog, but they need to know that what they're doing, what they're creating, is a joke. I'm not one of those neutral BB sites that pretends everything is fine and dandy just to please the masses. Everything isn't fine and dandy. Changes need to be made, people need to be held accountable, and we need the show that we all adore to come back next summer with a vengeance. According to a random numerology site, the number 14 is considered "the number of forgetfulness". I'll make you a deal CBS - give me a killer cast, innovative competitions, and a ruthless game for Big Brother 14 and I'll be willing to forget the tragedy that has been Big Brother 13. I'll sweep it under the rug and never speak of it again. ENTERTAIN ME AND I'LL ENTERTAIN YOU. That's how this works - it's a give and take. Quid pro quo Big Brother, quid pro quo.
Since the HG's are having an early eviction this week and I think they're pretaping a show today, the feeds could be down for almost 24 hours. I'll be back on Friday to discuss the ridiculous final four we're left with. Since these late in the season blogs are more likely to be seen by the cast than my earlier blogs, expect even more vitriol than usual. I want those idiots to see what I really think of them. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!