Friday, August 3, 2012

From Here To Hell

(Photo and blog title courtesy of @jenwiehl - so funny and perfect that I had to steal both)

*pushes giant red plastic button*

Welcome to the black hole that is Big Brother 14. Welcome to the gravitational suckhole that slurps up time and people and never looks back. Buh bye week one! Adios week two! See ya later Willie tits! Vaya con dios week three! This Event Horizon, this Point Of No Return, this Total Recall is our Nightmare On Big Brother Street. Scientifically speaking, the black hole forms when a massive star is at the end of its life cycle. It grows and grows absorbing mass, light, time, people, common sense, good ratings... Willies. *tear* The dying star in this scenario is Big Brother and being the BB indentured servant that I am, I better hurry up and write this blog before my gin, my glitter, and myself are all sucked into oblivion. Let's recap, shall we?

All aboard the Shit Boat! The Bukkake Shit Boat. The squirting poop jizz all over your face boat. No, this isn't that one dark freaky movie tucked away in the back of your personal porn collection. This is Big Brother bitches! So, the feeds return and the Houseguests are hanging off the side of the Titanic. Rabid seagulls caw in the distance which is strangely a lot like Celine Dion singing about how her heart will go on. Joe is singing 'Eye Of The Tiger' as Shane announces, "No offense, but Jodi would've fallen already." Boogie shivers quietly to himself before discreetly turning to Ian and whispering, "I can't win this."  It's been a hot minute and Boogie is already having major problems. You can't blame him really. It's the ole guy's nap time! His tea is getting cold and his digestive biscuits are going stale.


Whether it's the freezing cold water, the flying jizz, or the tilt of the ship, Rip Van Winkle simply can't hang on. Boogie is the first to drop and is quickly followed by both Jenn and Joe. Jenn pretty much gave up while the gravitational pull of the Big Brother blackhole latched onto Joe's face pubes and yanked him into the water. Clearly.

And here they all are snuggled together sucking at life.

The feces continue to fly while Wil cocks his hip casually and chats up Danielle. I can't really hear what he is saying, but I'm sure it's something like, "Can you please scratch my skull for me? Please. The nits. My god, the nits!"

Down towards the other end of the ship, we find Shane and Frank both beginning to have issues yet strangely rooting each other on. Has the newbie revolution reconvened? Let's hope so. Revolution or not, this is an Endurance Competition for a petite sort of frame. Large hairy curly wildebeests with cankles saved by Grodner's lady boner are jumbly and awkward. Into the sea with you! Fall! Fall!

While I was quieting down the sacrificial virgin on stand by and preparing my hemlock, belladonna, and mugwort spell to topple curly creatures, I suddenly heard a screech followed by a splash and, ultimately, a giggle. A guttural hearty giggle. It's Ashley and the stars that dance over her head 24 hours a day were simply too distracting for her to hang on anymore.

Ashley is then followed by Julliard trained actor, Dan. Dan throws everything, ev-er-y-thing, and this first Endurance Comp is no exception. Only this time, he lingers in the water and pouts. He balls up his tiny fists and shouts, "Oh darn! Shoot! Fiddlesticks." Whatever Dan. This sad comedy of errors continues after he finally emerges from the water and retreats to stare forlornly into the distance. And the Razzie goes to...

Paul Bunyon is next to fall which, I have to admit, tickles my groins. If there is one person I did not want to see win this, it's Frank. After CBS bent the entire season to his will like a flirtatious willow tree, the last thing he needed was another reward. He shouldn't even be there!

Minutes and hours and days pass and our poor fop Shane is beginning to get a little squirrelly. He has endured the cold and the jizz. He has hung on to the ship of doom, this ship of fools, for dear life. The problem is that his hands and arms are going numb. With grunts and cries and Monica Seles "UGH's", it's looking like the end is nigh for the boy band member who had his HOH so rudely snatched away from him. Nothing he did last week matters anymore. All he has is this moment. This one wet fart of a moment right here. Wil, too, is struggling. This duo of Little Lord Fauntleroys look at one another in the eye and nod. They'll jump ship together. Splash! Snap, snap, twist.

Amazonian Janelle trundles her carcass into the water next and I couldn't be happier. I'm sick of hearing about what a great player this chick is. I haven't seen it! I. Haven't. Seen. It.

And this brings us to our final three: Ian, Britney, and Danielle. Let's evaluate them one by one. Ian would make a miserable HOH. He's meek, easily manipulated, and would never have the lady balls to put a Coach on the block. Britney is simple awful. We can't have a Coach as HOH - not now. Plus, she'll probably get something crunchy in her HOH basket and then she'll want to eat it. My ears! Lastly, we have demonically possessed Danielle. It's no secret that I am not a fan of Danielle, however... however! She's batshit crazy and there's no telling what kinds of sexual favors she'd demand from Shane during her tenure. Can't you just see her forcing Shane to sleep with her every night? While he sleeps she'll stare down at him with wild eyes and count his tiny breaths. Up and down, one. Up and down, two. OMG she's so creepy! It could be our first poltergeist HOH. Sign me up!

The final three begin to wither and fade. Ian can't hang on much longer and if no one will hand him the HOH so he can get a letter from his mommy, then he wants to know that he's safe. Britney, too, looks anxiously from side to side and asks, "Will I be safe? You're not going to put me up, are you?" Finally, they all agree that they won't put one another up.

Ian jumps, Britney topples over, and Danielle, very strangely, floats feet first and lands creepily on her back. She opens her mouth and inhales. A long slow pull on the black demon smoke cloud that floats above her. IT is in her now and there's nothing she can do about it. Once IT is allowed to enter a healthy host body, the world becomes upside down crosses and weird runes drawn in chalk on the floorboards under the bed. What was once cozy is now barefoot flannel pajama witching hour creeping about the house on tiptoes. Welcome to rings under the eyes and strange messages burned onto the skin. You know that line from Breakfast Club, "It'll be anarchy!"? Well, this week in Big Brother... it'll be Amityville! *raven flies overhead*

I'm afraid we're going to need an old priest and a young priest this week, bitches. Lord help us.

And that's that. Sadly, the initial overnight game talk is missing some very important elements. Those elements being COACHES. I don't know what sort of game the devil is playing, but he doesn't want Danielle to nominate any Coaches. That's how he works though. He never gives us what we want! Right now we might be looking at a Wil/Frank nomination which makes no sense at all to me. We've got 8 Newbies and 4 Coaches. The Newbies need to pull a Willie, band together, and get the Coaches out now so they can play their own game. I'll start looking in my Book Of Shadows and see what I can come up with to get Janelle on the block. Leave me a comment if you dabble in the black arts... or watch Charmed reruns. I'm open to all suggestions.

So. So! What do you guys think? How about that twist, huh? How about CBS completely destroying the moral fibers that hold reality television together? Are you happy with our new HOH? Who do you think Danielle should nominate? Does Shane have a prayer of coming out of this alive, a wing and a prayer? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It's going to be a hell of a week. Literally, HELL. Mwahahaha!!! Why not sign up for a 3-day free trial of the Live Feeds? You have nothing to lose... BUT YOUR SOUL.

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!


  1. I'm the first to comment! Ha, Ha!

    That is all!

  2. I got you, Lala. Alyssa Milano penned this one herself.

    In this time and in this hour,
    we call upon the ancient power
    To set things in that house aright,
    we sacrifice this young virgin's life
    (stab virgin and toss glitter in the wound)
    In the name of THE HEAD BITCH and her flock,
    Let's get that big, blonde chick on the block!

    (have orgy and wait for the fireworks on the feeds)

    1. they're going to sacrifice Ian?

  3. What. A. Gyp. We all knew that, one way or the other, "America" would vote to give the coaches the opportunity to enter the game. What wasn't clear was how stacked the deck would be once the decision was offered. I thought ol' Chenbot would need oxygen on standby when she was rattling off that list of "ifs" and "therefores" to the house. Let's see here...if just ONE of the coaches votes to restart the game (not a majority, mind you, just one of the four), the two nominees this week are safe (i.e., fuck you, Shane), everyone immediately plays for HoH, and the established alliances go poof. If NOBODY votes to restart the game, one of the nominees goes home (most likely to reenter the game in a week's time anyway, so again, fuck you, Shane), and then--I'm extrapolating here, but if anyone who has ever watched this show disagrees, please say so, but I think I'm right--Pandora's Box pops up with an amazing cash prize for the HoH coupled with a restart of the game ANYWAY. I know it's Big Brother, so stacking the deck is right there in the title, but come on...this twist is by far the worst in the history of the show. Yes, even worse than the Saboteur. Why in the hell did the coaches' pictures have slots next to them? Are you telling me that production couldn't have prepared that board in such a way that, during one of the numerous times each week the houseguests are shuttled outside for hours, it couldn't have been replaced at some point? We all KNEW that the coaches would eventually be players, but implementing that change didn't have to result in a totally wasted week of play! ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

    1. I feel your pain. BUT, it wasn't a wasted week, it was a wasted 4 weeks. TPTB really set up poor Shane for a fail and Frank for a win. Pisses me off big time. Shane is taking it like a real trooper. I am gaining a lot more respect for him and really starting to like him. Which means he will probably be out next week.

    2. LMAO, Great job Thank you so much for your entertaining recap. PREESH. Ughhhh... I wanted Frank gone.

  4. I look forward to a week of "I heard _____ is trying to make a move on shane" and "I heard _____ say something about your body". Dani is by far the most easy to manipulate person I've ever seen in the house of Big Brother. NOBODY GETS BETWEEN ME AND MY SHANE (don't talk about my legs). Get ready for the crazy people.

  5. I am glad it worked out this way last night. However BB needs to stop the bull and just play the damn game! If you want past players on, then have a dang all-stars already! But stop the stupid crap.
    I was very peeved by the way these people were acting this past week including Shane!
    Jenelle is a lying crazy ass bitch. Can't believe she flipped the morons so easy. Really! Really!
    Dan and Danielle, yuk, barf gag me! Enough said!
    I am left with hoping Wil, Frank and Boogie start running the show.
    I cannot watch people be so fricking stupid and all of them were last week. Bad! Bad! Bad! Game play! Made me sick to watch so many fallow the leader, suck up the lie's.
    I do not want to see Ashley and Danielle at the end, and last week was heading that way very badly. So thank you for the twist, cause the game was over otherwise.
    I do not get the Frank hate, so far he is not to bad of a player. I like the way they are playing over the way Jenelle has and Brit waste of air space.
    Lala, Love your blogs!
    Sorry! About Willie,but he was stupid and that is to bad.

  6. Since it seems patently obvious that Gorilla Grodner has a twisted fantasy in which she and Funky Frank ride off into the sunset together (I guess she's given up on trying to land Jeffy-poo), he basically has a safe ride to at least final three. That puff piece that played last night detailing his strained relationship with Daddy sealed THAT deal. Since Frank and Boogie are completely in love with each other, Boogie will sail to the end, too. I suspect Ally G. has decided that this totally wasted season should be capped by having a Sandra-style, record-breaking, two-time winner. Here's my prediction: if Frank ever again finds himself A.) on the block or B.) seriously in danger of being backdoored, Pandora's Box will appear to save him.
    Oh, and I can explain all the Frank hatred in one word: PREESH. It sounds like a brand of conditioner he might use...if he ever decided to condition that frizzy mop.
    Lala, your blogs make my day. Let's just hope that wishes do come true and that this season can be salvaged. Maybe Jenn will get some airtime and develop a personality. Maybe Wil and Joe will consummate their burning, but suppressed, passion. Maybe Dan will suffer acute laryngitis, thereby forcing him to STOP SHOUTING EVERYTHING AT TOP VOLUME.

  7. Well, this should be interesting at the very least. I have pretty mixed emotions.

    I love the chaos now in the house with everyone scrambling to form alliances.

    We knew the coaches were coming back (though Julie made it ridiculously easy).

    And yes, complete BS that there was no eviction. I think production wanted to save Frank because they think him and Boogie will become the new Chilltown. Shane's complete HOH was a waste.

    Frank and Boogies seem tight, though Frank is getting close to Wil, who is anti-coach.

    The closest initial alliance in this new game looks like Danielle, Dan, Shane, and Britney.

    I'd like to see Janelle and Joe get nominated. Not sure though. Even though Britney doesn't really trust Janelle, I think that she thinks she can use her for a little while. However, Danielle does hate Janelle.

  8. Shane is handling this all very well. I would be SUPER PISSED. He not only showed his hand, he got outed for backstabbing his alliance - only to have it be for naught. I'm sorry but that's pure and utter bullshit.

    I'd accepted the coaches were going to play from the git-go but this whole "erasing" of weeks is crap. It's really frustrating. And I've been watching the Olympics! And BB STILL managed to piss me off.

    Such. Utter. Bullshit. UGH!!

  9. Does anyone know what Franklin has in his eyes that makes that freak blink so damn much?! Is he trying to brain wash me through morse code!?

  10. Frank's blinking is almost (ALMOST) as creepy as his pasted-on grin. I've never seen anyone blink the way he does. It's almost as though he has to put a concerted effort into doing it, and the blinks last just a millisecond too long. Maybe it's the side-effect of being the offspring of a man whose innards must be half steroids and half bronzer...

  11. Thanks Big Brudduh. Thanks for holding a Florida Election. On the ballot, two newbie knuckleheads back into the game versus four old insufferably boring knuckleheads to ruin the dog days of summer. Boogie had as much chance of avoiding the inevitable as a hanging chad for Al Gore in West Palm Beach.

    Who is left to root for? I could picture having a couple of beers with Jenn. Other than that, Aaargh! Why do people euthanize unwanted litters of kittens when it would be much more helpful to the human condition to stuff eleven of these clowns into a burlap bag with a couple of bricks and heave them off of the pier.

    As bad as the cast of the last survivor was and now this, if "Philipines" has nothing but bland dull-ass dorks I may have to finally do as the family demands and "get a life." No, wait. That's too extreme.

    All seriousness aside, prediction... Wednesday night, Danielle emerges from HOH bathroom glaring enraged at test device in her wet hand. CURSE THE HEAVENS! She is not yet pregnant. If Shane doesn't win the POV this time and the she-devil is not yet knocked up, off with his head! (or something he values equally)

    Keep up the great work Lala. Like many of us I suspect, it were not for your blog, we wouldn't bother with the show.

  12. Lets see now, Shane has won 3 straight POVs and a HOH, he has a perfect game going , he is in a groove and America is on the edge of their seats as the first real game play of the season ( Frank blindsided) is about to go down. Now thru no fault of his own,and without gaining anything for his smart gameplay, Shane has a target on his back. I do agree that it looks like the fix is in for a new Chilltown. Boogie , the walking STD only made it as far as he did in the past BBs because Doc Will carried him all the way bith times.

  13. Are there any must see flashback moments from the past few days I should see?
    Great post as always.

  14. My god!! I really surprised that more people aren't talking about how disgusting, annoying, arrogant and out right pathetic boogie is!!! I'm relatively new to BB since 11 was I became interested, so maybe everyone has already said it moved on...

  15. What's the deal with the hair worshippers? Almost every girl + Will is constantly playing with her hair! They stare at their reflections, toss their hair to one side, run it thru their fingers and talk about their hair continuously. I know they are bored but do they have to bore us? And Ian is always running his hands all over his upper body! Creepy! Does this bother anyone else? Where did they find all these weirdos?

  16. I found it strange, that when I checked other blog sites for the "coaches being returned to the game" vote, the sites showed around 65% said no. I would think the America votes would reflect that as well. I think CBS found a way to put the coaches back in the game, regardless of the votes. BB was much better in its first seasons, when there was much less manipulation from the producer and her posse.

    I'm contemplating if I should just stop watching the show and just come here to laugh at your awesome bitchiness!

  17. Don't forget that America was charged one dollar for every vote, were we swindled because BB was gonna put the coaches in anyway?