Sunday, August 5, 2012
The 'M' Word
Whether you are on a ship of poop, a ship of fools, or a ship of dreams, there is always the chance that your maritime journey will end in rebellion. Cruise ship dancers, especially, are known to be a cagy bunch. Scuffed tap shoes, sad yellowing costumes, plastic rhinestones shaking loose and hitting the stage one by one... plop, plop, plop. But give them a bad batch of crab salad one night for dinner and you'll hear that word, that 'M' word, whispered in the wee hours of the morn in staff steerage. Mutiny. Mu-ti-ny. It doesn't have to be aboard the Bounty or even on a Carnival Cruise Ship, it can be in that ramshackle joint known as the Big Brother House. I know, I know, you're tinkling yourselves a little right now just entertaining the thought. Rolling the golden nuggets Willie planted oh so long ago around in your brains. Shiny precious subversive nuggets of deliciousness. Can it be? Can it really be Revolution 2.0? Revolucion Part Dos with a peg leg, a pointy chin, and a whiggedy whack sideways baseball cap? Let's find out. Let's recap, shall we?
It is POV day in the Big Brother house and all of the Houseguests are a twitter chirping to one another in last ditch efforts to save their souls. Frank, especially, has some buns to butter. For a guy everyone calls "a beast", he's really not blowing anyone's skirt up with his competition performances. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. Frank is a choker. He chokes when the going gets tough and then consumes himself with, "I should have won that!" after all is said and done. With the POV billowing in the distance, Frank has some groundwork to lay in case things don't end up going his way.
In addition to Danielle and Dan, Frank needs to try to make some headway with Janelle. Sitting with her in the bathroom for a little whisper session, Frank needs to try to convince Janelle that all those times he openly said he wanted her out of the game were simple jokes. Jokes! Little highfalutin funnies. Janelle tells Frank how she heard that he wanted to make her cry last week by surviving the vote. Frank clutches his pearls and gasps, "It was a joke!" Janelle then asks him why he told her to her face that he was going after her. Frank replies, "Another joke! I'm a real sarcastic person." Then he blinked repeatedly and Larry Hagman turned into an elephant.
Janelle clearly isn't buying the bullshit Frank is serving up so she outright accuses him of being the one who started the rumor that the Coaches were entering the game, "It was you who noticed the keyholes next to our photos." Quite honestly, I'm not sure why this even matters now. The dumb ass Coaches are in the game and it's not Frank that did it. Janelle is just being Janelle and trying to beat down anyone who dares interfere with her Mary Kay way of life. Continuing on, she says to Frank, "You were the one who said you weren't going to lose to a Coach in this game." Again, Frank cites his winning sarcasm for the jokey comedy routine that has upset Janelle so much.
After Janelle finishes hurling all the accusations she can think of, she starts in on her "woe is me" act. She's so alone. She has no one. She could leave the game next week. No one wants to work with her. Wahh, wahh, wahh. It's part flirty and part miserable, but that's how Janelle works. She jiggles her tits in your face and then expects you to cry uncle. Frank goes ahead and takes her bait. He suggests that maybe he, Boogie, and Janelle could make a new beginning and work together. Sometimes it's just easier to tell Janelle what she wants to hear and be done with it. Listening to her whine is sort of like listening to Danielle dive into a bag of chips - excruciatingly painful.
So, let's fast forward to the big POV competition. The players are Danielle, Wil, Frank, Shane, Ian, and Jenn. The competition is the same tired one we see every year where some people walk away with prizes and others end up with a stupid costume. From what I can gather, Frank had a $5000 cash prize, but traded it with Wil for the POV. Danielle then traded her "spirit-tard" to Frank and took the POV for herself making Danielle the winner. Ian apparently had a trip to Maui, but traded it with Jenn in order to live for 24 hours as a dog. His reason was that he already got $3000 from that Coaches' Comp while Jenn only got $1000. In summation, Danielle won the POV, Wil won $5000, Jenn won a trip to Maui, Shane won a Veto Ticket, Frank won the "spirit-tard", and Ian won a day pooping out on the lawn.
Like myself, Boogie was flat out disgusted and exasperated with Ian's decision to dump a free trip to Maui for a punishment. It sounds like he was mean and condescending to Ian during and after the game. Boogie would have preferred that Ian actually focused on winning rather than making stupid little boy moves that do nothing to help a Frank in need. There was much talk in the house for hours after the competition ended over how rude Boogie was to Ian. Hey, I get it. I totally get it. Ian's house shenanigans are more of a court jester than a serious player. He is nothing more than B-roll filler material. He is CBS's ticket to the cheap laughs. He is a guaranteed clip on Thursday's show. And that's it. That's all Ian does. I'm sure he is a nice nerdy kid, but he's just that... a kid. A child. An immature buffoon with bells on his hat.
So after Boogie gets done reprimanding Ian, he heads to the Arcade Room with Frank. Frank is wondering if maybe they should team up with Ashley and Janelle since earlier Janelle confided in Frank about how alone she was in this game. He wants Boogie to go to Dan and tell him that they have the numbers to keep Frank in the game. Boogie pauses to consider it, but before he can give Frank a definitive answer, Frank is off and running again. His new plan is that they threaten Ashley. Frank wants to corner Ashley and threaten her with the wrath of Boogie for the rest of her life if she doesn't comply and vote to keep Frank in the game. Boogie says he'd rather not use that tactic just yet. If they do decide to threaten Ashley, it'll have to be a last minute move - something they do right before the vote.
Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Ian has decided to swear solidarity to Britney's alliance of fops. He is 100% with them from now on, but he wants to make sure that he's not #5 in a 5 member alliance. Everyone in the room shakes their head and insists he's not (he kinda is) which makes Ian happy. Ian says he'll hate to see Frank evicted in his "spirit-tard", but it will be "eBay gold" for him which makes it kind of OK. *sigh* This is how Ian's brain works! He's more concerned with the after show and Wikipedia than he is with present day Big Brother. And, furthermore, Frank stinks. Really stinks. Festering sewer stink. Can you imagine bidding on that funky unitard and getting it on your doorstep one day? If you dare open that box, it'll be the stinky car Seinfeld episode. The funk will mutate, breed, and strengthen over time. You'll have to sell your house, but of course you won't be able to because it'll stink so freaking much!
Down in the Arcade Room, something somewhat interesting is actually taking place. It's Jenn, Will, and Ashley and they are SO over playing for the Coaches. It's like Jenn finally woke up, took a look around, and realized where she was. Wil has always resented Janelle, but he hasn't done much with that resentment until now. All season long all I've been waiting for is for the newbies to wake up and bludgeon the Coaches over the head... or vote them out. Either or. I'm not picky. So watching these three bitch and moan over how wretched Boogie and Janelle are is very exciting to me.
Jenn also has a bone to pick with young Ian (Get it, bone? Woof!) . She doesn't like that he treats the Coaches like royalty. It was very nice of him to trade the trip to Hawaii with her, but she has a hard time seeing Ian ever going against the Coaches. Jenn also hates how Janelle is always talking about herself and how popular she is with the fans. Her final gripe has to do with Frank and the way he'll sneak in a dig at someone and then announce, "Psych! It was a joke!" The digs are a little too real and personal for Jenn to buy Frank's joke defense.
Wil, knuckle deep into his scalp, chimes in and says there's a reason Frank is on the block every week. Ashley nods and agrees. And then her head rolled off onto the floor. Her mouth kept moving so I'm sure she'll be fine. *shrugs shoulders* The conversation ends with Wil promising to deliver a speech that will go down in history. I can't tell if he's talking about a speech for the POV Ceremony or for the live eviction. Either way it'll be a Queen Latifah monologue from the film The Last Holiday. This is the Wil I've been waiting to see.
I was doing the Big Brother Gossip Show when the punishments were doled out, but I managed to get a few screencaps of the ridiculousness. Ian has to be walked on a leash on order to leave his kennel. I also read on Twitter that Frank keeps ripping his "spirit-tard".
And now we arrive at the late night excitement. Get one hand free and let's settle in to some Boogie magic. Yes, I said Boogie. So, Boogie has a new plan that doesn't entail threatening anyone at all. It's a plan with direction and promise. It's a plan to get rid of Janelle you guys! Up in the HOH room, Boogie meets with Shane and Danielle to pitch his pearl of awesomeness. Boogie knows he probably has no chance to win this game, but why not make the house a little more harmonious for everyone? Why not get rid of the evil sea hag who starts all the problems? Shane is immediately intrigued as he is pretty sure Janelle will come after him the second she wins HOH. Danielle's interest is similarly piqued. She hates that nasty Janelle who is always so mean to her. Not only did Janelle call her fat, but she makes fun of her showmance with neon dandy Shane.
Danielle has always had a bad feeling about Janelle especially since she began her reign as HOH. Something has gnawing at her gut (the devil) and telling her (in tongues) that she should target Janelle. The only reason she didn't do it was because of Dan and the fact that Janelle will go batshit crazy and raise a holy terror in the house. *whispers "Awesome"* Boogie eventually leaves to let the Janelle plan settle in and marinate. His work here is done.
Enter Dan. A very excited Shane and Danielle share their new plan with Dan who is visibly, yet cautiously, horrified. You can tell he wants to shit a brick, but instead he sits quietly and nods, "Uh huh. So what do you think of this plan?" Well, Danielle is super excited! That Janelle is so evil and she'll definitely go after her and her fake boyfriend the first chance she gets. She knows the house will be unbearable (yay!) for the rest of the week, but it's a risk she's willing to take. Britney then enters the room and is surprisingly open to the Janelle plan. She says that if Janelle wins HOH, she won't put up an Ian or a Jenn or a Wil. She'll put up Shane and Danielle. Danielle nods and says again how Janelle hates her.
Danielle trusts Boogie way more than she trusts Janelle because Janelle is so two-faced. Dan thinks quietly for a minute and you can tell he's frantically trying to come up with ways to squash this idea (Damn you Dan!). He says that he'd much rather continue in the game with Boogie and Ian as opposed to Boogie and Frank. Dan tells the room that he really doesn't like the idea of Boogie and Frank staying together. Here's the thing, Dan is, for some reason, fighting to keep his side all Coach alliance intact. It behooves him (although I don't know how) to keep Janelle which is why this new plan is the last thing he wants to happen.
Dan says that two hours ago everyone was fine with sending Frank home and now after one conversation with Boogie they're ready to evict Janelle. He says that's how good of a player Boogie is. Danielle shouts, "But I hate Janelle!" and then I think she ate her own face. Dan reprimands Danielle and tells her that she's being personal, not strategic. Danielle shouts, "I am NOT being personal! I can't stand Janelle!" Danielle, honey, you go ahead and be personal. You do you babe. You have my complete support on this one.
The night eventually comes to a close with everyone agreeing to sleep on it. It's a long way off until Monday's POV Ceremony which, unfortunately, gives Dan time to come up with a plan to save Janelle. Will he manage to do it? Will he tell Janelle about Boogie's plan? Will Ian need a flea dip at the end of the 24 hours? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
When Janelle finds out what's going on, she'll go completely INSANE. Don't miss it! Sign up for the 3-day free trial and let's watch her unravel together.