Friday, August 31, 2012

It's All In The Hips


Give a girl a compliment and she'll beam for a week. Tell someone who tells someone who tells someone that you called said girl "girlfriend" and she'll pierce the sky with her eyebrows for years. A scattered little dust mite may have captured the HOH, but a single white female has captured my heart. With her pudding face and button eyes, Danielle digs through the wreckage of her no-mance and searches in vain for anything sparkly or shiny. A pearl perhaps. A tiny dying ember. A speck of spittle with the light hitting it just so. Nimble sticky fingers dig through the carpet fibers like a crackhead searching for a fallen granule. It has to be here somewhere. It just has to be! *dig dig dig, claw claw claw* And since persistence pays off, Danielle will find that granule. She'll find it in the shag and she'll pluck it out with her brittle nails so she can hold it up to the light in amazement. Of course it's not a love granule at all. It's actually a tiny piece of white cheddar cheese popcorn she had from the other night, but nonetheless. Nonetheless! It gives her hope. And when you give Jennifer Jason Leigh hope, you give her purpose and a sharp stiletto. Let's recap, shall we?

Here we are again with another Endurance Comp on our hands. Houseguests perched on disks spin around the sun kind of like those tired planets in that Jimmy Dean breakfast commercial. And speaking of famous chefs like Jimmy Dean - Kerplunk! - there goes Joe. He lasted 2.5 seconds, but it was a valiant 2.5 seconds and don't you dare begrudge him that. The eviction show then winds down to a close and - Sperlunk! - whoopsie. There goes Jenn. Jenn, who thinks winning a POV by default and taking an unnecessary Slop Fo' Life punishment counts as game play. No Jenn. Sorry. You can fool yourself, but you can't fool us. Way to go on that 8.7 seconds though!


With orange jizz spewing through the air, the spinning continues as HG's duck their heads to avoid getting paint in their eyes. Actually, not all HG's duck their heads. Shane, our foppish lacy dandy, welcomes the steady stream of warm liquid. He opens his mouth and swallows. "It doesn't taste very good!" he shouts to his compatriots. "Don't eat it!" And then he mumbles, "More for me. Yum!" He's a tricky trickster, that one. Speaking of Shane, Little Lord Fauntleroy was quite the Chatty Cathy last night. Gab, gab, gab, he went. A compliment for you dear sir! And a compliment for you gentle lady! A silk hanky to his lips and brass buckles on his jodhpurs, Shane was a Wildean hero in a top hat and tails standing on tippy toes inviting everyone over for tea. Was it nervous gibberish? Was it tinkle worthy excitement? Or maybe, perhaps, just a little bit of both?



Round and round we go. Dan grips the rope for realsies this time while Ian hangs on determined to win at all costs. But it is my Southern Belle Danielle that my attention is focused on. Thick tree trunk legs in shorty short shorts firmly plant themselves on the round disk as she closes her eyes and thinks of Vermont. She dreams of maple syrup dripped over thick buttermilk pancakes, of lying naked on a bear skin rug in a log cabin, of gripping tight to her gelled paramour under a fluffy duvet while the fire crackles quietly in the background. She could make a home in Vermont. She could tend to the elderly (i.e. forget to fill their feeding tubes) and share pastel tank tops with her wispy man friend. She could go to the farmer's market on Saturdays and lock her children up in the closets on Sundays. Those are reasons to win. Those are reasons to ensure one's safety in this game. Those are reasons to... oh god, the spinning.


The infernal spinning. Lost in her daydreams with her eyes squeezed shut, Danielle forgot about the spinning! Round and round... twirling, twirling... her gastrointestinal juices begin to burble as she feels that familiar creeping. The pea soup. It's rising. It's making its way up her esophagus and... and... oh holy hell she has to jump. Flergle! That's the sound Danielle makes when she hits the mat. Flergle.


No time to be sad about it though. Danielle is gonna hurl. With her head spinning like a top, Danielle teeters her way over to the sidelines and falls to her knees. She wretches up the imaginary pancakes and the fresh berries. The warm buttered toast and the mug of the hot cocoa. And when she's done she stares at Vermont in the trash bag. Her lips go thin into a straight line. All of that hard work for nothing! She won't give up though. She won't! She'll get Vermont back. Oh don't you worry, she'll get it back.


Back out in the solar system, we're down to Dan, Ian, and Shane. Or, we were down to those three. No more, bitches. No more. Dan is out and something tells me that it wasn't entirely planned. He looks visibly annoyed (unlike how he looked on the Poop Ship Lollipop where the acting merited a Razzie) and apologizes to his wife.


The weird part was when he stayed fetal though. He quite possibly could have been dizzy and just waiting to get some sort of equilibrium back in his body OR he could have been plotting. Swirling ideas around his head and planning another funeral for himself. He's got that weird look in his eyes that is very reminiscent of the rave he lived in for a day.




With Dan out of the game, Shane and Ian are overjoyed. Shane yells, "What's up Ian?!" Ian replies enthusiastically and the two wonder which one of them will end up with the HOH bathroom. The peanut gallery watches from he sidelines and we have one very unhappy looking carrot.


Neither of our final two are prepared to give up the prize of HOH as Shane tells Ian that he can be up there all night. Ian replies, "Alright Shanezers." Shanezers. *sigh* Meet Shanezers. Shanezers is a horribly awful cutesy pet name given to a lad who holds his personal items in a wicker basket. Some men pretending to be European carry a man purse. Other city men lug around a satchel/messenger bag. Shanezers, however, carries a wicker basket with a seafoam green satin bow tied on top.

After several more minutes of spinning around the sun, Shanezers and Ian ask the others to go inside so they can talk. Immediately, Ian tells Shane that he has no intention of nominating him or back dooring him. Shane will be completely safe this week. Shane asks Ian if he's sure. He checks and double checks and, finally, when satisfied for his safety, says he'll jump. "Should I do it now? Should we wait for them to come back out? You want me to jump now?" he asks. Ian tells him he better jump soon because he doesn't want to hit that comet thing again and accidentally fall. So, with the others still inside, Shane jump and Ian wins to very little fanfare.



In silence Ian stays on his disk and holds on for dear life refusing to drop until he hears from Big Brother himself that he has indeed won. The feeds cut for a second and when they return we find Shane and Ian congratulating one another. Ian says he needed that victory for Britney who told him to win today. The two shake hands before moving inside.


Once inside, this is what we find. Gah! That doesn't look like a happy to see me face Jenn. As a matter of fact, that looks like a "What the hell did I do last week?" kind of a face. Jenn whispers to random people that she think she's going on the block. Yup. You are. You're not really the target, but you're definitely going up.


Meanwhile, if we make our way into the bathroom, we'll find a scene sent from heaven. We have Shane naked in the shower and Danielle lingering and gazing from nearby. Shane's hands hurt him and his biceps are sore. All he wants to do is feel the warm water over his skin and take a 5 minute respite from this crazy ass game. Silly boy! Doesn't he know that Danielle vomited up Vermont earlier? She's on a mission to get it back and that mission starts here. So with Shane washing off the jizz and the cold, Danielle lurks and whispers, "Shane! Shane! Shane!" Seriously, she was frantically whispering his name and I suppose we'll never know if Shane was ignoring her (yup) or couldn't hear her (nope) over the running water.


When Shane finally emerges from the shower, Danielle tries again, "Shane! Shane! Shane!" Unaware, Shane towels off and studies his raw hands. "Shane! Shane! You need to share a bed with me tonight because the boys will want to sleep in our room," Danielle orders. Shane nods silently and makes his way over to the vanity. Danielle hisses, "Shane! Quick!" I'm not sure what other secrets she has to tell him, but he shoos her away and focuses on his wet hair instead. Danielle then jumps up from the chair and grabs his pink lace panties, his pants, and his shoes for him. She stands holding them hostage while Shane begrudgingly walks over to her to retrieve them.
Once she has Shane within earshot, Danielle announces, "I can't believe I threw up on myself. I even got some on me." *smacks self in head* Danielle, puss, we're going to have to work on your seduction skills. You don't tell a guy you got puke on yourself! You tell him the cold water made your nipples hard or something. Not like a nipple comment will mean anything to Shane, but it's better than puke.

And this brings us to BBAD where we find out the details of Joe's punishment for going out first in the competition. Joe has to attend Hula Hoop Bootcamp. *stares blankly* I'm sure you're wondering what Hula Hoop Bootcamp is and why exactly it's a punishment. Whenever Reveille plays over the loud speaker, Joe has to get up and hula hoop for the length of the music. I don't know about you, but that sounds awesome to me.

In the lull between the showers and dinner, we find Danielle and Jenn sitting in the Foot Room. Danielle is unpacking while Jenn is pouting. Jenn breaks her pout and tells Danielle that she heard from someone who heard from someone who heard from someone that Shane may have called Danielle his girlfriend. Danielle drops the Daisy Duke shorts in her hands and a slow cheshire cat smile spreads across her face. "Really? He said that? Really?!?" she asks. Jenn nods as Danielle's eyes widen and the color returns to her cheeks. Vermont! It's back! She giggles and tosses her hair over her shoulders. With a breathy voice she leans into Jenn and tells her that Shane hasn't even kissed her in 29 days, 47 minutes, and 54 seconds. He hasn't kissed her since the Poop Ship Lollipop. Jenn shrugs and says, "Well, that's what I heard."

Out in the kitchen area while the pizzas cook, Reveille begins to play and Joe stands up. He stands and spins the hula hoop around his waist and then watches it hit the floor. Danielle leaps up and says, "No! Like this." She then humps the air and gazes over her shoulder to make sure that Shane is watching. Joe hurls the hoop around himself again and, again, it hits the floor. When the music finally stops, Danielle snags the hula hoop away from Joe and stands proudly in the center of the kitchen ready to show off. The only problem is that homegirl can't hula hoop to save her life. She bucks wildly gyrating this way and that as the hoop crashes to the floor at her feet. She tries over and over again to make the hoop spin, but nothing will keep the plastic ring on her hips.

Defeated and bored with the hula hoop, Danielle drops it and walks away when up comes a dandy. Shane looks down at the hula hoop, kicks it up into his hands with his foot, places it over his head, and spins. He spins it up and down his arms, across his hips, with one foot in the air, and while in a handstand. Shane is a hula hooping fool. "It's all in the hips," he announces. Indeed it is, Shane.

We jump ahead to Ian getting his HOH room and once again Frank is there to provide the necessary commentary. "Diet Deeewwwww!", "Diet Cooooke!", "Do-ri-tos!", "Pierogies!", "Rice Chexxx!", "Frescaaaaa!" Oh shut up Frank. Ian then unwraps a crystallized hunk of Bismuth while Danielle stuffs Rice Krispy Treats in her bra. "Bismuth is probably one of my favorite elements," Ian declares. As fascinating as that is, everyone is incredibly bored by it all.

The one interesting part of the HOH reveal was Ian's letter from home. His mom tells him to play smart and not be afraid to make decisions that benefit his personal game. In an instant, Frank, Joe, Dan, and Jenn all stared uncomfortably at the floor. Someone finally breaks the silence by asking Ian about the stuffed snaked he got in his basket. Ian explains that he won it at some place like Chuck E. Cheese and again everyone fell asleep. Ian looks around the room and says he knows that they're all bored so they can all leave if they want. Even he wants to leave his own HOH room.


Towards the end of BBAD, Frank makes his way up to the HOH room to check in with Ian. Ian puts his head in his hands and tells Frank that he has a lot of thinking to do tonight, but if Frank wants to leave him with some thoughts to sleep on, he can. Frank then advises Ian to figure out who he wants to work with in the game. He understands if Ian doesn't want to take him to the final two, but Ian has made some pretty big moves himself in the game. He won 2 HOH's, a POV, and took out Boogie. Ian grimaces and says he still feels like Frank is the one to beat in the end. Ian's main focus at this point in the game is final two and he is concerned about the jury votes that Frank can pull in.


Frank tells Ian that if he wants to work with him, then he gets Jenn too as part of the deal. Whoop dee fucking do! Jenn. That's a big help! Frank goes on and tells Ian that he feels like Jenn is the only one he can trust. Frank assures Ian that he still hates Dan and wants him out of the game. Ian cocks an eyebrow and asks, "Really?" Frank says Dan will always be his number one target. Don't believe it Ian! If Dan was his target, then he wouldn't be sitting downstairs right now in his funky shorts. (Note: Dan is extremely filthy. I'm not just saying this because I don't like him. He revealed a few days ago that he goes commando in his black & white shorts and hasn't washed them in 4 years. Also, he didn't bother to shower last night after the HOH comp. And, do you remember how last night Britney said the Have-Not room smelled really bad? Blech!)

So, that's where I'll end this today. Look for Ian to nominate Frank & Jenn with Frank being the target.

So, what do you guys think of Ian winning HOH? Should he go after Frank or Dan? Will Joe ever learn to hula hoop? Will Danielle ever get kissed again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!



35 comments:

  1. I love the way you described Shane showing up Danielle at hula hooping!! I can totally picture it! Brilliant.

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  2. Someone needs to take the footage of Dani lurching back and forth with that hula hoop (my stars it was horrifying) and combine it with the episode of her in front of the mirror making "faces" at herself from a couple weeks ago.
    I could watch that shit for hours on end!

    I want her out of the house because I feel like she needs to be crushed psychologically (plus pay the price for being in on the Brit evict), and I SO badly want to watch every single minute of her face when Dan REALLY betrays her (you know he will!).
    But at the same time at this point I am only still watching so I can hate on her....it is a catch 22 =(

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    1. My sentiments exactly! Danielle's voice alone makes me want to beat my head against the wall and her inevitable eviction is the only reason I'm still watching. I'm still shocked Britney and Ian fell for her "act".

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    2. the sad part is Brit kinda set this all up, she told Ian who to trust. Ian is pitiful and runs his mouth way to much. I just want to see Brit's face when she finds out her girl Dani is all lies and only used everyone. Dani and Dan deserve each other. Dani's real truth is that she is in love with Dan and wishes he would leave Chelsie and marry her. I am just praying that Dan gets out!!!! I don't even care if anyone else wins as long as it's not him or Dani♥

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  3. I absolutely can't stand Danielle (aka Sybil)she always changes the pitch of her voice to baby talk makes my ears bleed. She is always staring in the mirrors at herself. She is so happy that Britney is gone so she can have all the male attention. When Jenn said that Danielle looked like Miss America I about pissed myself laughing. So sorry to see that Britney is gone, she is so beautiful and funny. Only reason to watch now is to see Dan cut Sybil's throat, she thinks she has it all figured out. I hope Ian wins, anybody besides Danielle, Dan, or Jenn. Lala I love your hysterical blog.

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  4. OMG! That voice of Danielle's! You are a grown ass woman with a college education, a professional, a damn nurse none the less and you talk like a friggin 4 year old. It makes me want to jab hot shish-ka-bob skewers in my ears whenever she is in the DR. How can anyone at work take her seriously when she talks like a damn toddler? I would be like Elaine on Seinfeld, get me a real nurse, not one that drove here on her big wheel.

    I did not want Dan to go to the end. I loved Dan in his season but I HATE returning players, especially when they are mixed with newbies. But after what he pulled the other day I hope those idiots that saved him get screwed by him now for being so stupid.

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  5. I bet Shane feels the same way too. lol

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  6. You have pegged this girl exactly, her behavior caused by her massive insecurities and delusions is as cringe worthy as it gets. Now that Britney is gone, she has moved on to spending most of her time trying to get attention and compliments from the remaining house guests.

    During BBAD Friday night, she was in particular good form, she was sitting at the counter in a very low cut halter shirt, slouched forward with her boobs hanging out worse than Jenns in that horrible swim suit she wears, when Joe commented on her shirt, saying it looked good on her, that the color suited her, Danielle asked if it was really her boobs that made the shirt so nice, Joe said that didnt hurt. After admiring herself in the mirror, she informed Frank and Shane what Joe said and that ended up in a conversation about breast size and eventually about fake vs real. The men were in favor of real and for some reason Shane mentioned that Danielles were real, Joe was surprised and said that she should lay back to prove it, so Danielle starts to lean back, while Shane ridicules her for doing that, he then states that the whole conversation was ridiculous and said that he couldnt sit there and ask if everyone thought his penis was fake as that wouldnt be cceptable. Danielle doesnt like that and the conversation moves on. The next thing you know, there is Danielle laying on the benches in front of the counter with her legs shoved under Shane sitting on the bench next to her and her breasts hanging out for all to see. See, see how my breasts are real....

    She seemed to calm down a bit in the last few weeks, but now that Britney is gone, she is ramping back up the crazy again. I think Shane thought the crazy monster had gone home, he better watch his back, she only has 3 more weeks to either get pregnant or a marriage proposal out of him, so she will be working overtime to keep the dream alive.


    As I watched Jenn say those things to Danielle, I am trying to figure out if she is the mean kid pulling wings off flies or believes that there is something between those 2.

    Great blog as usual, look forward to it.

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  7. LOVE this blog!! I was starting to think I was the only one who felt this way about Danielle. I couldn't stay in a room with her for a day, let alone weeks. That Voice! Like finger nails on a chalkboard! I watched the go around about her boobs, WOW! did anyone else see her prior to that exchange, sitting alone on the couch looking at her own boobs? I felt like she was thinking."I wonder if Shane will ever wake up and I'm so hoping he'll notice me in this shirt!" So desperate it's almost sad. I was thinking about whether she will look back when she watches this season and be mortified about the way she behaves. Foe some reason I don't think she will be. Her family must be though..(you'd think)

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  8. OMG! I was checking out these videos of Enrique Iglesias on YouTube and you will never believe who is in one of his videos. I almost peed my pants. Here is the link. Did anyone else know he was in his video?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqON44CLaQM

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  9. Miss Lala.... I know you are alive because you tweet but WTF with the blog not being updated in a week???? I live for your blog more than I live for BB. :-( Are you not inspired? Are you OK? Are you just taking some time to mellow out because you are covering the Brenchel wedding and need grounding? Hugs coming your way and even though I don't comment much... I read EVERY word you type. This lurker misses your snark this week!!!!

    XO... Stacked

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    1. Hey Stacked,

      I'm in California this week and next and, with the time change and lack of inspiration (I freely admit I am SO not inspired), it's hard to make a post. I will, however, be on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night.

      I've been watching the feeds when I can so I try not to neglect Twitter and FB. This summer has been much crazier than I thought it would be though. I'm one of those people that NEEDS DESPERATELY to be turned on when writing. Without something to feel passionate about, I'm completely lost. With these dumb asses in the house, I find it very hard to be turned on.

      I'll be blogging Survivor though. Weekly. I swear!

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    2. Glad you are OK. Soooo.. you're in CA. Were you at the Brenchel wedding? :D LOL

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  10. I'm ready to literally go crazy here w/out your blog. I just found you THIS season of BB, and I love your stuff so much that I have read all the past blogs of survivor and bb. You not updating makes my work week suck! :D

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    1. I'm sorry! I'll see what I can do. Promise.

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  11. I remember a time not long ago, a time I remember fondly. There was talk of ass licking, industrious hamsters building sex forts, dirty little ragamuffins running around. The good ole days of the Bitchy Big Brother Blog.

    I’m sure you remember those days too, you know…
    when there actually was a blog.

    So I at least hope to hear your thoughts on the new batch of Survivor contestants before the 19th. I for one hope CBS found a way to keep Angie and her, umm, personalities in the game as long as possible.

    Get to work Bitch!
    Jeff

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  12. Survivor Blog returns this weekend! Get ready!

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  13. I think Colette is just mad Dan is running the house, and since she doesn't like Dan she can't watch it lol. On second thought, that should give her plenty to bitch about, so I don't know...

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  14. I can't watch the feeds either, their truly painful, but you should watch them with the sound off and make your own story. Denial glittered up her titties and had a three way with Shane, Dan and Jenn. You know, the real stuff they can't show you on TV!

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  15. After a week went by I finally read the comments to see if you were still with the living. I knew it was either total mind-numbing boredom or you had been kidnapped by Arab potentates and stowed away to Qatar. Dan has ruined the experience for me, but he would be gone if any of those houseguests had a brain cell between them. Looking forward to Survivor and your bitchy analysis.

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  16. How has Dan ruined the experience for you? Because he's so dominant that you know what's going to happen, or are you one of the those "holier then thou" you shouldn't lie types? This has been one of the best seasons of Big Brother ever IMO, and it's all because Dan has put together one of the greatest games ever. If you can't appreciate good game play then why watch the show in the first place?

    I mean seriously, not since Dr. Will have we had a player that's been able to mastermind the game to this extent, love him or hate him I don't see how you can't enjoy this season. Maybe your more happy with players like Jordan winning, I don't know, if that's the case then this season isn't for you.

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    1. Umm what the hell are you talking about? I hate Jordan.

      Clearly, you've never read my blog or listened to my podcasts before. Shoo! Go away. Go drink your Dan juice, weirdo.

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    2. Umm I was talking to the comment above me lol...

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    3. LMAO whoopsie! I was clearly drinking last night. We had our last Big Brother Gossip Show. Sorry about that!

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  17. Lala, please please PLEASE at least blog the finale, girl. I understand your boredom and frustration with the season (God know I do), but wrap it up for us, girlfriend!! :)

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  18. Lala, please please PLEASE at least blog the finale, girl. I understand your boredom and frustration with the season (God know I do), but wrap it up for us, girlfriend!! :)

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    1. No can do. Survivor premieres the same night BB ends. I'm in Survivor mode now. I'll be blogging the premiere on Thursday over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog - where I've been blogging all week.

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    2. I know we're all entitled to our own opinions but how could you NOT like this season?...anyways, like it or not you've built up such a large fan base (because you're awesome) and I know life gets in the way some times but I think you let a lot of fans down this season with your lack of blogs.

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    3. I know. I let myself down a little bit too, but I also know that I wasn't willing to sacrifice vacations of FUN in order to stare at the chuckleheads in the house. There are points in life where you make a decision as to which is more important to you. My own life won out over the lives of strangers. Sorry.

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    4. Thanks for the response Lala I understand and I still love ya....I've never read your other blogs but i may have to get my Lala fix by checking out your survivor blog :)

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  19. P.S. I promise to be a good bitch all through the Survivor season. Hahaha!

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  20. i'm just all to pieces. no survivor blog today and no finale for big brother. sadness abounds.

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    1. The Survivor blog will be late today. I announced it on Facebook, Twitter and the Bitchy Survivor Blog. It will be up later tonight.

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  21. Lala didn't let me down. I read her blogs for the unique, snarky, biting wit that is characteristic Lala. Do I miss her blogs when she doesn't write them? Absolutely! But do I feel let down? Nope...but then, I also follow her on Twitter so I can get a 140 character fix of snark every day! Survivor blog was FANTASTIC! Looking forward to the creations of an inspired Colette!

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