Monday, August 27, 2012

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP... breakbeats, backbeats, snare drum, hi-hat. Ahuh, ahuh, a hi-hat. Chicka chicka hi-hat... THUMP, THUMP. Rolling in the deep, pissing in a river... remix, rhythmics, skeptics, Chex Mix. Athu-thu-THUMP IT. Thumper. Bumper. BB base jumper. Thumper... rabbit. Rabbit... carrot. Chop chop chop, mirepoix, pinot noir, give me some of that je ne sais quoi. Jump to the rhythm. Jump, jump to the rhythm, jump. Thumper jumps. Boing, boing. Thumper eats carrots. Chomp, chomp. The carrot in this house has a festering vocal ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass... Pull a rabbit out of my ass and feed it to the carrot. That's it! Yo, house meeting!

The above is a snippet of Dan's inner monologue while he was locked inside of a rave for 24 hours.
Let's recap, shall we?

When Gloria Estefan said the rhythm is gonna get you, she wasn't lying. The rhythm is gonna get you Jenn and it's gonna get you Ian. Oh, and you too Britney! O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh. O eh, o oh ah, o eh, o oh ah. So after 24 hours inside of a rave, Dan has turned to the beats for inspiration and he has come up with a plan. First up, feign a wiggedy whack rave illness and make the house think you're nuts.

Dan emerges shakily from the rave party room and shuffles with exhaustion over to the Arcade Room. The lights, the godforsaken infernal lights keep spinning. Purples, blues, pinks, and reds. Or at least that is what he wants everyone else to think. We live feeders, however, get a wink and a thumbs up from the lad. He's faking. He's faking it all, but... "Dan, I'm here! I will NOT let you die on my table. Elevate your legs. Here, let me take your pulse." Nurse Danielle to the rescue! She grabs Dan by the end of his nose and begins to count. "Um, what are you doing?" he asks. "Shh! I'm taking your pulse. I think you're suicidal. Plus, you might have the scurvy. We'll have to open you up. Hold still."

After a quick exploratory procedure which left Dan's bowels on the right side of the room and his pancreas on the left, Danielle has concluded that Dan was having nothing more than a panic attack. 20 milligrams of Dexedrine, stat! While Dan rests quietly and attempts to place his inner organs back where they may have come from, Danielle scrubs out of surgery and reports her findings to Britney who is awaiting nervously in the Living Room. "Dan will be fine. I had to remove his spleen and give him a pap smear, but he should be A OK by the morning," Danielle reports. Britney sighs with relief and picks at an imaginary blemish on her face, "Thank god. It's this game. The game is getting to him."

And here is where I ran off to do the Big Brother Gossip Show for a couple of hours. You can check it out HERE.

Just as our Podcast was winding down and I had reached the bottom of the wine bottle I was sucking on, I turned to the feeds and saw what live feeders live for - a house meeting! *glitter falls from the sky* House meetings are delicious hot messes of chaos full of galavanting and arm waving. And this house meeting was particularly special and odd because it was being run by Dan. Carpet fiber Dan.

Dan had prepared for it earlier after reconnecting his major arteries after Danielle's surgery. He paced for a mo', gave himself a pep talk, and practiced a few key phrases he didn't want to forget. And now, it's showtime! With a trembling lower lip and a tear in his eye, Dan begins what he calls his funeral. As everyone knows, Dan has always felt like he was going to die young. *looks around in confusion* And since he'll probably die in 72 hours from the infection Danielle just gave him from operating with a pair of chopsticks and some Twizzlers, Dan wants to take this opportunity to thank everyone one by one for their contributions to the game.

"Joe, thank you for cooking your awesome turkey burgers. I only have 3 more doses of Cipro left to take and the typhoid will be all cleared up so thanks man!" *Joe beams*

"Shane, Captain America, you're the type of guy I want to date my sister. "*a dagger out of nowhere stabs Shane in the forehead* Sigh. Danielle. "Keep searching for that special woman Shane because one day you'll find her." Shane places a tissue over his gushing head wound and tearfully replies, "I appreciate that."

"Jenn, I've never met a lesbian before. And had I seen you on the street with all of your tattoos and lesbian-ness, I would have prejudged you and probably called the cops on your misfit looking ass. I can't wait to rock out with you at the finale!" *Jenn does that sideways lip smirk thing and nods emphatically*

"Britney, I know you were untrusting of me and I probably was of you too. No matter what happens we have a bond being newlyweds." *Britney reaches for a box of tissues and dabs her tears*

"Ian, *Dan breaks down and has to take a moment*, Ian, I thought you'd be evil, but everyone knows there isn't an evil bone in your body. The more time I spend with you, the more you remind me of myself. Stop being so hard on yourself buddy. Only you can stand in the way of you." *Ian squenches up his face and cries*

"Frank, we started out with so much in common, so much passion for this game. There are a couple of things I want to apologize to you for and, if you'll let me, I'd like to go upstairs with you later and read to you from the Bible." *Frank stares and adjusts his leafy greens while Shane begins to burble loudly*

"Finally, we come to Danielle. But first, no one insult me. No one talk game with me. If you choose to talk game with me, I'll scream your name and tell you to stop it." *scratches head* Everyone in the room shifts uncomfortably wonder where this is going.

"The last time I played this game I learned tough lessons. You have to find one person and put your trust in them. For me, that was Memphis. Memphis always had my back. Danielle, when I saw you standing there I thought you'd be similar to Memphis. I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! You are NO Memphis, woman! I will NEVER trust you again. You know what you did to me. You are dead to me now. DEAD!" *bites fist*

Danielle's breathing begins to pick up pace as her jaw slowly, ever so slowly, thunks down to the floor.

Dan spins again in his technicolor coat and points at Danielle, "DEAD! Do you hear me? DEAD. TO. ME."

The entire room quietly gasps and drops the tissues they were dabbing their own tears with. Shane scrambles on the ground to pick them all up and give them to the now inconsolable Danielle. No one can quite understand what just happened - especially Danielle. We're going to need an old priest and a young priest, stat!

Dan spins his coat again and walks straight out of room. The only sound we can hear is the frantic hyperventilating of our Dothraki princess. Finally Jenn speaks, "He fucking set her up." Britney nods and agrees. She says Dan set it all up to call out Danielle. Danielle begins to burble pea soup all over Shane's lilac shirt as Britney continues to sit in confusion, "Where did that come from?" The pea soup or the Dan thing, Britney? I think the pea soup came from Hades and that Dan thing just now came from the pulsating rhythms of 120 beats per minute.

Frank quietly gets up and then scurries upstairs to meet with Dan in the HOH. The two sit across from one another on the couch as Dan lets it rip. Not the fart. No, that was Frank. Dan lets his secrets rip. *rrrrrip rrrrrip* He's ripping them wide open. He tells Frank that the information he is about to tell him will change his entire game. But first, Dan wants to swear on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan places one hand on the Bible and swears that from here on out he will only tell Frank the truth. Is that why he has been fake reading the Bible all this time? For a move like this?

Naturally, Franks eyes widen as he can't wait to hear what Dan has to say. Dan proceeds to tell Frank all about the Quack Pack and Ian. He tells Frank how Ian was the rat who pulled the wool over Frank & Boogie's eyes. He was working for Dan & Company the entire time and telling them all of Frank & Boogie's innermost secrets. Furthermore, Dan says that Danielle was supposed to throw the POV to let him win, but she didn't. *Bible bursts into flames* She didn't throw it because Britney got to her beforehand and turned her against Dan. Dan tells Frank that he was once good enough to be a part of Chill Town. Now, he's good enough to join the Renegades and be in a final two deal with Dan. Dan knows he can't win this game again. He says no one will give him the $500,000 (rrrrright) and that he'd like to see Frank win this game if at all possible.

Dan tells Frank that he wants Jenn to use the veto on him and have either Britney or Joe go up in his place. Frank tells Dan that he wouldn't mind going to final three with Joe. Dan warns him that there is no way you can trust Joe. He's more of a liability than a help. Dan is pushing for a Danielle, Frank, Jenn, and Dan final four. He says that the next HOH comp will definitely be endurance and there is no way Ian will win it. They need to get rid of Britney, Ian, and then Joe.

Frank sits quietly for a moment and stares from the Bible, which lies in a pile of ashes, to Dan and then back to the Bible again. You got a deal! *WHAT?!?* Frank is in. He's all in. He believes that Dan wants to go to the end with him and that Dan sincerely wants him to win all the cabbage his stinky rabbit heart desires. Frank and Dan shake on a final two deal and Frank promises to try to get Jenn to use the veto on him so they can get Britney on the block.

*stares blankly while dumping all the chilled bowls of glitter down the sink one by one by one*

Dan leaves the HOH because now he has to deal that puddle Danielle. He finds her in the Arcade Room where she instantly turns her back on him and tells him to get away.

Dan leans in with his smug face and says that he has just saved them both. Danielle bats her eyelashes through the tears and doesn't quite understand what he's saying. Dan confesses that calling her out in the house meeting was all part of his plan to save them both. Danielle whispers that she wishes he would have told her beforehand. Dan replies, "I couldn't because I needed you to cry." Danielle half smiles and says she knew he was going to play with her emotions. Her cumbersome silly emotions. Her "Oh these? They're just my fascinating emotions." Oh Dan! *Danielle giggles and smacks him lightly* She whispers, "My heart is broken, but I think Jenn has a crush on me."

Dan tells her that from here on out Frank will take care of everything and they just need to trust him. He is going to try to get Jenn to use the veto and put Britney on the block. Danielle replies, "I puked up my dinner and had an asthma attack. I was hyperventilating." Dan ignores her and tells her that even though he made a final two deal with Frank, he really wants to go final two with Danielle. Frank will most likely do something stupid with the prize money whereas Danielle will use it to buy a house in Vermont.

If we mosey on back upstairs we'll find Frank and Jenn in the HOH. Frank tells her all about how Ian was the mole and how she should use the veto and the join the new final four with Danielle, Dan, and himself. Jenn is worried about Britney going up on the block because she kind of wanted to keep the girls together, but Frank assures her that they'll trick Joe into voting out Britney. Frank tells her that they need to do this for Boogie. And then Jenn agrees.

JENN AGREES. She sits there in her dumb ass hat and actually buys this big ole pile of b.s. *hurls decanter across the room* What is going on here?! What in the sam hell is going on? Ok fine, Dan came up with a plan, but it was SO transparent! It was so clearly devised to save himself. Almost the entire house commented on how obvious it was after the house meeting! Why else would he walk out of that rave room with one day left to go before the POV ceremony and stir shit up? These people. These people! *kicks cauldron* I know some of you dear readers are Dan fans and you're probably all proud right now, but let me deliver this to you... Joe doesn't buy it for a second. Joe! French Fry Face Joe sees right through it. He knows exactly what Dan is up to and if Joe can figure it out, then you know, you know, this house is full of window lickers. Can I give credit to Dan for pulling a fast one over a bunch of spineless ninnies? Nope. No way. Not gonna do it. I'm crossing my arms and pouting over this one for days to come. Just write the man his check already. Just get it over with and put me out of my misery.

So, what do you guys think of Dan mindfucking everyone into submission? Would you have fallen for it? What is it about him that makes people want to trust him? What magical ether did he breathe into Frank's face up in that HOH room? Why is Jenn such a sucker with stupid hats? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. Super confused by Dan's plan. I guess it worked since the 4 dopes are all in agreement. Today should be very interesting. Was it all to have an excuse to rat out the rat? BTW - "Brooklyn doesn't like rats!"

  2. Yippeeee! Hooray for idiots in the house! I love Dan (not in that way of course), and I'm so happy he found a way to have a chance at staying. I am not happy about what he did to Danielle though, because if I was in that house I'd be the Danielle (which is why I'll never apply). I cry a LOT. And I hate my emotions being played like that. But, I've rooted for Dan from the beginning, and I'll continue to do so as long as he has a breath of life in this game. I dont' know what it is about him either, that makes them all ignore the truth of the situation and just go with the flow he provides them. Jenn's hats are annoying but not as annoying as her hair so keep wearing them sista! Frank is so going to lose this game, and I think that might make me even happier than Dan winning! Does that make me mean? :p

  3. I thought you of all people would enjoy a good mindfuck, but just cause it's Dan you can't give credit? Even if you don't like the guy, that was a straight up masterpiece.

  4. "Danielle's broken heart" says:

    I can't believe how EASY it was to convince Frank. I can't believe how EASY it was to convince Jenn.

    Is it really a mindfuck when there are no minds involved?
    I have to give props to Dan if he pulls this off.

    I do think that Joe (even Shane) has to be the replacement nom.
    If it's Britney, Ian will vote to keep her. Shane is 50/50 (imo).
    If Joe sees through this (EAGLE EYE!!), he'll vote out Danielle.

  5. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…this definitely rates among your Best Of blogs posts!
    As you know, I AM a Dan fan. This mindfuck was as another commenter put it: a masterpiece.
    My mind is effin’ blown over here…yes, it is transparent as glass but for everyone to fall for it except Joe and Britney?
    Joe is not as dumb as people think he is but he is a follower, not a leader.
    And Brit is only putting the pieces together because she has seen Dan with Frank and then Jenn.
    I am totally loving Dan right now…he is saving not only himself but Danielle also…and got the man who hated and loathed him all season to do it.
    Hats off.

  6. I'd have to put Dan's play in the masterpiece category. Even if Brit stays and Dani goes home (assuming it's Brit who is the replacement nom), it's not a terrible play, because with Frank, Dan has picked up a better dance partner.

    Could be seeing the first ever Big Brother Million Dollar Man here. Dude is that good.

  7. Where in the hell do they find people this stupid! Dan's a Master Mini Mind.

  8. Back in 1943, an american fighter pilot with a failing engine bailed out over the mountains in the most remote part of New Guinea. There he drifted down towards a tribe that had no concept of the outside world. The natives watched this strange visitor from the heavens in secret for a day or two as he made fire with his silver hand (a Zippo), captured his own image with the shiny thing, and finally killed a boar with that thunderstick on his hip. At that point they came out of hiding, picked him up and made him their king for the duration of the war until an aussie rescue team found him and took him away. Props to that lost tribe. At least they had never seen a white man. (of course, Dan had never seen a lesbian with tattoos.) But the tribe in this house! They are SO lost. All they want to do is get down on their knees and suck Dan's thunderstick.
    Here's the twist I'd like to see for this game. Everybody loses! Or even better, bring back Jodi Sept, 19 and give her the 500. She's the only one who never got a chance to prove that she is a complete idiot.

  9. LOVE IT! Hats off to Dan.It should be great these next few days on the feeds with the back and forth of Joe/Shane and Brit/Dani for votes. I don't care which one goes, as long as Dan stays. I bet Boogie is LHAO.

  10. It is a good plan for Frank and Jenn. Without Britney, Shane is worthless and cannot make a decision. Shane is easily influenced and Frank will be able to convince him to nominate Ian and Joe if Shane wins HOH and face it, Shane will probably win. Frank had a huge target on his back with Britney in the house. He will have much more power with her out. Frank is smart and knows the game and this is a good deal for him. Frank isn't being stupid.

  11. LOLOLOL.......Colette, you are truely the Uber Bitchin' Bitcher of all Bitchdom!! I bow to you your Royal Bitchliness!! Your running commentary and observations are hysterical!! I'm not a viewer of the other shows, but I might read your blog just for entertainment purposes. Thanks for the updates, your style of writing and the laughs. Keep on Bitchin' Bitch! (F-ing spell-check doesn't want to recognize the word BITCH. Keeps changing the words to 'hitch', 'birch', 'Hitchcock'......WTF! Guess I have to update my dictionary.)

  12. Every time you start a blog with "Chicka Chicka....", I know it's going to be a good one. Can't wait for the sound of the helicopter in the new upcoming Survivor, I'll be thinking "Chicka Chicka Whoop Whoop...." and whatever other sounds you can throw in like your masterpiece above.

    1. I am waiting for her description of Dimples' arrival on the scene!! :)

    2. I am anxiously awaiting both of the above. Please, please, please may we have a stellar Survivor cast this season! Also, I'm going to watch the Probst talk show. On mute of course, I don't care what any of them will be talking about. I just want to watch the dimples!

  13. Reading your recent blog made me laugh out loud so often my husband was distracted from his TV...Agree this posting was one of your best,so we must thank Dan for giving you such a rich, abundant, playground from which to bitch. LOL

  14. This move of Dan's is only just short of Evel Dick Donato's magic trick allying with Eric to keep both Dani and himself safe. I am neither a Dan hater nor lover, but I admire his magic trick. Pretty good tv, too.
    I pretty much hate everyone in the house by now, and have no fave for whom to cheer, so .... Whatever. I appreciate the inspired game play
    -- Leigh

  15. I understand gameplay and strategy and all that business, but some people just grate on my nerves. Frank and Dan are two of them. I can't find it anywhere in my heart to root for either of the douchebags. I actually don't care for any of the contestants that remain, but find Britney the most tolerable as an individual. At least the bitch is funny. If she would win comps and not ride other peoples coattails, I think she would be the easiest to cheer on.

  16. Dan is the fucking master.

    Nothing else needs to be said. I have never quite seen someone as manipulative as he is. This plan has no chance in HELL to work out and better the games of Danielle, Frank, or Jenn. But it turns a clean sweep eviction of Dan into him staying in the game for another week, competing in a HOH competition, and another week for him to mindfuck the house again.

    No way in hell do they get Joe to vote Britney out of Danielle. And Dan knows it. Dan is hated, and if Jenn uses the Veto on him she will be hated, and Frank's "alliance" will be pretty damn transparent at that point.

    Who do you think the next HOH if it is Britney, Shane, or Ian.....will go after? Dan? No. Frank. Once again.

    I am completely rooting for Dan now. This was BE-A-UTIFUL!! Oh, and by the way, I spent most of my years growing up in the same county in Arkansas that Britney is from. She is a typical Arkansas girl and gets on my nerves so bad.

  17. Forget David Koresh

    Dan is the cult leader.

    I'm a Britney fanboi so I need a moment to myself.

    Ok, I had my moment. If Brit goes, then Frank's in trouble. Dan's next move will be to get him out. If Brit stays, Frank can have her turn on Dan and get him out.

    this is one of the big wtf moments in BB history

  18. Well this just proves it, no one in that house has a lick of sense, including Frank. Frank actually believes what Dan is telling him, that is obvious when he talks to Jenn, if he was using Dan as a way to get to the final 3 or 4, then dump him. That would have been how he would have tried to sell this to Jenn and why it was in her best interest to play along. Instead he regurgitated everything that Dan said word for word selling it exactly how Dan knew he would, Dan played to his insecurity and his ego and struck gold. Frank knows he screwed up and he is looking for a life line, and Dan just threw him one. We shall see if The carrot is smart enough to see that Dan will cut his throat or if his ego will keep him from seeing that train coming down the track with his name on it.

    At this point I could care less who wins this, Dan is the only one that is actually playing a game, the rest are just hanging around the pool waiting for something to happen. Frank shouldnt even be there, so I dont see him as playing his way to the end, his butt should have been sent home weeks ago, he got a get out of jail free card from production as the game had been played out that week and he was history. He got a second chance, something the rest of them never got.


  19. The problem with stun grenades is that the effects wear off. People wake up. The smoke clears. The great zen master Dan concocted a winning 36 hour strategy for a four day week. Of course, 36 hours is all he needed to save HIS ass for a while so he could gloat to his fan base of adoring middle-aged women. All it cost was blowing up Jenn's game (if she had one) and destroying the unstable Danielle twice and for all. 'Cause some things are bound to happen.
    Ian will sober up and spend some hours squeaking in the hammock and figure it out. Jenn didn't leave a six person alliance with her in house love interest in to a three person alliance with dani in danger on the block. It has to be a FOUR person alliance with Danielle in it. The drama is not over. Lucky Brit had a day to warm up her ranting skills. Wait till she tees of on Dani!

  20. for me Brit is the only reason to watch after dark. Shes hot and hilarious. If Brit goes im done like i was the last time. Good luck Brit

  21. Pouting makes glitter fall sadly to the ground. Don't do it Lala. Although I wouldn't
    buy what Dan is selling, I can see why he is a good coach. We
    should rejoice that he isn't a cult leader or politician. Have
    you read excerpts from his book on He is "punching it
    out", so at least he practices what he preaches. After reading that
    Brit was beating the shit out of Ted the bear, I still have hope
    that she can pull some crazy shit that could turn things around.

  22. I don't know why the hell everyone seems to fall for Dan's BS. I never understood why people did on his season either.

    Does anyone know the flashback time for the meeting?

  23. Miss you, Lala. That is all.

  24. I'm all for praying on the weak minded! I hope whiny ass bitch Britney gets the boot. I don't know how her husband can stand her....maybe she's good at giving head?
    Brit get the fuck out!

  25. "Danielle has concluded that Dan was having nothing more than a panic attack. 20 milligrams of Dexedrine, stat!" Dexedrine is amphetamines, it will only excaberate...exhasperate...hold on a sec... It will only exasperate the fast heartbeat,racing thoughts, etc.(altho, sometimes in the first hour or two it can have the opposite effect and put you into a nice restful sleep <3)

    Can't wait til next week's Survivor cast assessment! ^_^ There's some good ones. Malcom says he wants to be the next Heidik but without the puppy shooting. Sarah Dawson made someone cry during Cranium. Peter has weird tweets about covering himself in lube and being a slug. And Abi-Marie is straight up zesty!_!

    1. LOL I know Dexedrine is a stimulant. That was the point. It was my attempt at playing Nurse Danielle. She's always mixing up the meds she talks about. She once mixed up Adderall and Alprazolam (xanax).

    2. Look for Survivor assessments the week of the premiere. I don't like to do them too early. Plus, I'm a total procrastinator. I'll tweet and facebook all the links as I post the blogs.