Friday, August 24, 2012

Quacking Up

There are some people in the universe who feel. They feel everything - sadness, pain, desperation, delusions, crazy clawing on the inside of their skulls. These "feelers" are otherwise known as Empaths and they are an extremely gifted and rare bunch. If you scour a crowd and find that one crackpot huddled in a corner mumbling and drooling with mascara running down her face, you've found one! These highly evolved individuals stare wild eyed with a heightened sense of awareness. The world around them is a neverending torture chamber - or at least that's what I learned from that one episode of Charmed. Some people accept the label of Empath with a sense of duty, a sense of pride. Others, like a certain southern belle with eyebrows of only the most powerful Dothraki, fights against her psychic gifts with all the might her pudgy little hands can muster. She claws and scrapes and kicks and screams, but the noises in her head only get louder and louder. Relent sweet Danielle. Embrace. Surrender and accept. Let's recap, shall we?

So. So! Where to start. Where to begin. Where to pick up the pieces and drag our carcasses through this clusterfuck. I won't go too much into last night's show because I'll have plenty to say on that matter tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Let us instead pick up where the live show ends. Julie has let down her side pony, Boogie is giving "big ups" (whatever those are) to anyone and everyone, and Ashley has been rolled offset to be squeezed out for toxins. If she releases any of the noxious gasses burbling inside of her out into the atmosphere, we'll all be high for the better part of a week... which actually doesn't sound that bad. Nonetheless! If we peer inside the technicolor nightmare that is the BB14 house we will find Ian. A frantic pacing Ian.

This way and that. Flit flat. Hither and thither he goes. Keep moving, keep moving or the stillness will get you! He paces up and down the halls. He paces out and about in malls. In a boat, on a goat, through the din, into a win? Eventually, the young pacemaker makes his way into the Storage Room where Frank is trying to get a word in edgewise, but it's kind of difficult when Ian is nothing but a blur. Whish! Whoosh! Catch me if you can!

Finally, Frank gets Ian in a headlock and expresses no ill will towards the young lad. I don't get it at all, but Frank tells Ian that he and Boogie love him like a little brother. Ian wriggles around and asks, "Are you sure?" Frank tells him, "No harm. No foul. If you have my back this week, Mike will let it all go." And then he gave Ian a head noogie and farted.

Back in the house, Joe is steaming mad. That high blood pressure pre-diabetic redness burns his skin while he fumes about Boogie's speech, "HE NAMED MY WIFE AND MY SON." Joe says it was incredibly uncool for Boogie to use his family as a way to get to him. The hairy french fry on his chin quivers as his veins come dangerously close to bursting.

Meanwhile, in the Foot Room, we find sadness personified. Thick salty tears stain the pillowcase as the weight of the world sits heavily on Danielle's shoulders. Murky black puddles of mascara sit nestled in her cleavage and we can only sit and watch at home while dabbing our own tears. One might ask why Danielle is crying, but a better question would be - why isn't she crying? Danielle cries for you, she cries for me, she cries for us all, people! But this time, this one little speck of time, she cries for America. Our puffy macaroon doesn't think that America loves her. (Just wait Danielle...) She caught wind of the live audience cheering when Frank won that POV and now she is convinced that she is no longer America's Sweetheart. Now you listen to me Danielle. You are my America's Sweetheart. You are my own delicious little nutball of crazy. In fact I want to lick you up and down and all around. Then I want to grind your bones with a mortar and pestle and snort you up so I can take you with me always.

While Danielle and I are having a moment together (her crying for me, me daintily applying little glitter hearts to my nipples), Shane prances in and stares at her. "You're crying again?" he asks. "Go ahead and cry." Ouchie Shane. You kiss your boyfriend with that mouth? Such venom for a fop in pastel!

Britney enters next and sighs heavily seeing Danielle on the bed. She reluctantly asks, "What's wrong?" Danielle sniffles and weeps how Frank was saying bad stuff about Dan and Ian. She'll never turn her back on Dan, ever! And then it hit me... how great would it be if Dan wasn't married? If Danielle could wriggle her bosoms up against him at night and drawl into his ear about what a great Coach he is. Damn! The possibilities!

Meanwhile Shane tells Britney that he'll try to throw the upcoming HOH to either her or Dan. Britney wants it for herself though. She hints to Frank that it's her birthday so she should have HOH to hear from her husband. Franks asks Britney if she'll put up Dan if she wins it. Britney replies, "If that's what you want." Frank says, "Yeah."

Through the magic of a new paragraph we fast forward through time and space to the other side of the HOH. Guess what, bitches? Frank has won the HOH. Dan, I believe, is the only Have-Not this week. Now, I still dislike Frank with every fiber of my being and the creamed corn stench from his nether regions makes me gag, but I'm glad he won this week. Above all else, I want Dan out of the house and the rest of that Quack whatever Pack squirming with discomfort. I want them antsy and jostled. Rattled and discombobulated.

BBAD begins and we find Joe and Frank having a little chat. Frank tells Joe that he isn't putting him on the block. Joe replies in shock, "REALLY?" Frank says, "You know who I want out." Joe nods that he does. Frank tells Joe that he won't put him on the block as long as he votes out who Frank wants. Joe says ok.

Out in the Living Room, Britney looks a little concerned. She whispers to Ian that he has to keep her off the block this week. Why don't you keep yourself off the block Britney? Stop getting everyone else to do your dirty work for you. Britney says that if Frank puts up Dan and Joe that they need to vote Dan to stay because Frank can't play in HOH next week. Ian sits silently and doesn't say anything. Eventually, he gets up to leave.

Dan comes in and asks Britney who Ian thinks will go on the block. Britney tells him that she told Ian to try to get Dan and Joe on the block. Immediately, Dan doesn't like hearing his name thrown into the mix. It makes him extremely nervous. Britney assures him that she told Ian that he has to vote to keep Dan. She also tells him that he has a good chance of getting Jenn's vote this week.

A little later, Dan still hasn't moved from the couches, but Britney is long gone. We now find Joe in her place. Dan whispers to Joe that he's almost positive he's going on the block. Dan says he doesn't think he has a shot at all to win against anyone left in this game (Oh puh-lease!). Dan says he still won't change the way he's been playing this game. He'll continue salsa-balling and dicking around. I have no idea what "salsa-balling" is, but I think it involves some Chi-Chi's salsa and Dan's shorts around his ankles.

After Britney gets manhandled a bit by Danielle and smacked on the ass with a spatula by Shane for her birthday, Ian finally gets his HOH basket. In it he finds beads from his very first Mardi Gras as well as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Pop Tarts, and KitKat. Danielle immediately falls to her knees and starts shoving it all into her shirt as Ian reads his letter. It is from his mom and she is very proud of him yadda, yadda, yadda. At the end of the letter she tells him to be good and play and honest game. It is here where Ian starts to cry. What's wrong Ian? Is the fact that you helped get out someone who was loyal to you gnawing at your man tits?

When the merriment of the basket dies down, Joe and Dan steal away to the bathroom. Joe wants to try to figure out a way to get Ian on the block. He says the one thing they don't want is Shane on the block. They need Shane to play in the veto and pull Dan off if he's nominated. Joe adds that actually if any one of them win POV they'll take Dan off the block. Why?! So another one of them can go up in his stead. You are so stupid Joe. Count on Joe bad mouthing Ian to Frank all day long today. He'll definitely bring up how two-faced Ian has been all last week.

A little later on we find Danielle and Britney in the bathroom whispering madly to each other. Joe approaches and tells them that Frank told him he's not going on the block. Danielle's eyebrows flit upward as she asks, "Did he say you weren't going up or going home?" Joe tells her that he's not going up. Britney looks at Danielle with bulging eyes. Joe continues and says that Dan is Frank's target. No questions about it. He tells them how when people go make a deal with Frank, Frank will tell them either they vote Dan out or risk going up on the block themselves. Joe says they need to figure out a way to get Ian on the block. (Ian is on Joe's shit list this week.)

Danielle hears all of this and gives Joe the side eye, "Did he say I was going up?" Joe replies, "No ma'am. No, not at all. Not one iota." Joe reassures her that all Frank talked about was Dan. Danielle sighs and says she's afraid she'll be going up beside Dan.

Joe leaves the girls and Britney sighs, "What are we going to do Danielle?" Danielle says, "I'm in trouble. If Frank said that, I'm in trouble." Danielle looks at Britney with her soggy eyes and asks Britney if she thinks she'll stay over Dan. Britney says yeah. She still wants to try to get Joe on the block against Dan though.

Shane joins the girls and collapses with his petticoats around him. Fanning himself he says he can't believe everything Frank pulled off today. He was on the block, he lost Boogie, he won POV, he won HOH, and now he'll probably get a Pandora's Box with a cool power. (I really think Shane thought he was getting a Pandora's Box last week) Shane thinks whatever power Frank gets will be a good one. No way the wizards (Production???) will give him anything bad.

I'll close this today with Frank getting yet another HOH room. It's the usual Frank stuff. You know that thing he does where he raises everything up one by one and announces it to the world. Like this... "Beeeeeers!". "Baaaagel Biiiites!", "More Sooosh! (aka sushi)", "Ice Cream Snickers Baaaaars!", etc. Again, Danielle dives face first into the basket and I haven't seen her since so eventually we'll need to check that she has some air underneath all of Frank's flavored nuts.

And that's that. That's it for now. It looks like Frank will nominate Dan and Danielle. His theory is that if he can't get out Dan, then he'll get out one of Dan's alliance members. As long my porkpie Danielle is safe, I like it. I want Dan gone this week!

So, what do you guys think? Is Dan in trouble? Will Frank turn on Ian? Exactly how annoying will Joe be this week (especially if they take away his grill)? How happy are you that Danielle hasn't discovered the miracle that is waterproof mascara? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!


  1. I hope Danielle goes up beside Dan, just to see what a mess she will be. You know, MAYBE if Danielle had Life Coach Clam Shell by her side, things would look up for her!

  2. Hated that Boogie got voted out last week - don't know what these people are thinking. Boogie did his expert manipulation till the last second, too bad it didn't work.

    However, I will certainly take Frank winning not only the POV but HOH! HA!! DDBS - went from the penthouse to the outhouse real quick! I can't wait to see their faces as Frank wins HOH.

    I need to see a full blown Danielle break down / freak out and soon!

  3. I agree with Brooke....loved Boogie and Frank trashing the other houseguests...seriously..I have never laughed so hard! Thank God Frank won everything...He brings the zing and pop into Big Brother ...everyone else is so wussy, needy, crybabies, and personalities minus! Go gettum Frank!

  4. I would hardly call Boogie/Frank "loyal" to Ian. They were using him, plain and simple. When he wasn't around, they were trashing him just as much as every other HG. As a matter of fact, all the two of them did was sit on their asses and talk trash about everyone else. No one was awesome as them. No one was as smart as them. Boogie's dumbass talked about how worthless other players were because they hadn't won any competitions because, evidently, he feels that he earns credit for Frank's victories. They've continued to say that no one is smart enough to get them out. They've said Ian, specifically, doesn't know the first thing about the game and would never be smart enough or strong enough to get them out. Ian played the game. I fail to see why that is suddenly a vile quality. Why is everyone supposed to hand Boogie or Frank the money? Let's also not forget that they both played tonsil hockey with Ian's little porn star crush, Ashley, and that was hilarious.
    Frank's sense of entitlement in this game is nauseating. For starters, I hate people that come on these shows and want to play a "clean game". I hate, even more, the ones that lie, cheat and steal but have no memory of any of their misdeeds the moment a move is made against their favor.Also, if I have to listen to him remind the other players that BB is his dream blah blah blah one more time, I am going to kick a puppy. Evidently, if it is your dream to be on and win BB, everyone else is supposed to get out of the way and hand you the check. His little rant about Ashley getting voted out last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. He immediately began admonishing everyone else for sending "that poor girl" home. He claims to be a fan of the show so why doesn't he understand that this is a game that EVERYONE is allowed to play.
    I'm hoping he puts up Dan and Joe and they all screw him again and send Joe home. I just want the opposite of what Frank wants to happen.

  5. I love your blog, and this was the best one, yet! But I want Danielle gone, and the sooner, the better! Can't take much more of her baby voice and delusional outbursts!

  6. Amen! I hear you. I am hating that he is sitting pretty again this week. I want him out so bad. I won't forget the ugly that was Froogie this week not matter how many comps he wins. Just like Evel Dick, saved by Production time after time.

  7. That IS the hippest piece ever written. Whoever that is, shd work 4 EW - all my fave critics are on that mag. But, people, I am old and grey; please pray for Dan to go. All of the players are whatever, but they are entertaining. The season Dan played and won, I hardly watched. He was not a good player, but a punk, using his evil person who already won, once, and if I have to listen to his girly voice (I'm only watching this season cuz I luv Brit and Janelle) and I can just imagine listening to him on a playing field, giving girly orders, I get nauseous. He, I hope, doesn't think whatever he's reading is a real ploy - the girls he screwed before aren't there this time. Bye. nicki

  8. I dont who I hate more, Ian, a player that talks shit for days about how he is such a force, makes a move, cries, get all remorseful and then goes into hyper drive suckupage, while throwing any body possible under the bus, OR, the nasty, gargabe talking, entitled clown that is Frank.

    I dont want to see either one of those two win, I dont know who is left to root for!

    All I know is that I am happy that Gargamel is gone and we will not ave to hear his nasty ass anymore. There is trash talking, then there is just trash. Gargamel is just trash.

  9. I want Dan gone too, so sick of his laying on any surface he comes in contact with & sick of his Karate Kid obsession!! Have you ever noticed Dan's shifty eyes? Oh yeah sick of those too!!

  10. Dan is the best player in this game and I really hope he stays. He NEEDS to out Ian for being the real one that backstabbed Froogie. I like Ian's game, but he is starting to fall into that classic trap of trying to be in alliance with everyone, which they eventually find out.

    Frank needs to go. great at comps, terrible at strategy. He's focusing all his energy on Dan, based on a misperception that Dan has been after him the whole game, when Dan has never really been after him. It's time for Frank to get to steppin.

    I want Dan to win, he's one of the 2 best players ever (next to Dr. Wil), but I also recognize the masterful game Britney is playing. Ian may have turned on Froogie, but it was Britney - not Ian - who decided that nomination, as she has most noms in the game, and yet she never gets targeted. Nice work.

  11. Against all odds, this season might get interesting yet. The meek (specifically the weak) shall inherit the earth. That quote is not from Dan's "Bible" (which is just a bible's cover pasted onto the outside of Machiavelli's "Il Principe"), just a prediction that has nothing to do with the game. The Big Stank is going to inherit the 500k unless the rest of these pathetic losers can put together two comp wins in a row and get him out. Fat chance.
    But there is amusement as they scramble. How Ian can avoid being outed as Deep Throat as the Animal Quackers get squirmy is hard to see, as is trying to predict where JennCity may end up, though her position keeps getting stronger as swing voters go deeper into these games. The thing to look forward to is the magnitude of the inevitable volcanic eruptions that will get occur as Kentucky Fried Turkey(burger) and company get "screwed."
    As H.L, Mencken put it, "People complain about injustice, but injustice is relatively easy to bear. What STINGS is justice." Just ask Ashley if she is the sole babysitter for Thunderthighs and her gallons of runny mascara this week.

  12. Worse season ever. Makes me miss the BB11 shenanigans. CBS needs to stop bringing back former players. As things stand, hope Ian wins it.

  13. Dan is not the best player. Britney is. She's almost about to turn Frank into an alliance member and throw dan under the bus. its coming.

    dan played the boogie card too early. his mealy mouth bitchness shows him to be too weak. like janelle, dan is a shell of himself from his season 10 season.

    I don't like frank, at all, for the reason as you Colette but dude's a playa. I think dan will get more votes than danielle. something tells me danielle is headed out unless she wins veto...then dan or shane go home.

    great blog

  14. Creamed corn stench??? LOL!!! I just inhaled my soda up my nose! Ewwwww!

    I'm sorry girl, but I can't stand Danielle. She's too self absorbed and whiny for my tastes. I've never seen someone so adept at making everything about themselves. SO done with her.

    Only person who irks me more is Frank because he doesn't wash. I need grown folks to wash on the regular. I bet he doesn't brush his teeth either.

  15. Can't stand Frank - he makes me GAG. He is one nasty f---er