Friday, August 13, 2010

The Monster Is Unleashed

I awoke this morning to find my panties in one corner of the room and a dead Goat Man in the other. All I can remember is the gin bong train that seemed to never end, Mr. O'Shaugnessy bursting through the door wearing one of those triangle shaped Asian hats, and then someone shoving an overflowing opium pipe in my mouth. Did I bury myself up to my waist face first into a vat of glitter with no pants on? I'll personally brutalize anyone who posts those photos online. Ugh... my head is swimming and I'm nauseous. I just need to lay back for a moment. Oh for crying out loud, why the hell are my vajazzle rhinestones on the ceiling?!? Deion! Are you responsible for this?! *sigh* And can someone please tell me why my dog is all of a sudden hairless? I only just got her yesterday (true story) and now she looks like fucking Grandma Wrinkles. And, for some reason, my sense of smell has vanished. I'm gonna look at that as a blessing in disguise. Looking around this room I can see the floor is sticky and there may or may not be a separated Siamese twin hanging from my chandelier. Let's recap, shall we?

The red headed harlot is gone and all that remains of her are the dyed coarse red hairs stuck in the Big Brother shower drain. It's a metaphor really. Rachel and her hairs stop fun, happiness, joy, goodness, precious furry animals, and clean filtered water from flowing into the ether. Time, like the water in that shower stall, stops and all your left with an unsanitary problem screaming for a plunger. Gross. But, I'm jumping ahead. First things first, the big HOH comp.

The houseguests have to unravel themselves from a tangled rope and get to the end first - a Survivor challenge by the way (Survivor cast first impressions coming soon at the Bitchy Survivor Blog!). Like a bat out of hell or a cro-magnan man chasing a wooly mammoth, Brendon hurls his oafish body and giant forehead through tangle after tangle of rope. Enzo begins to chat like he's having a cup of cawfee, Kathy curls up for a nap, and Britney can barely lift the rope over her head. The challenge was designed for large strong men so it's no surprise that Brendon, Lane, and Hayden were the head of the pack the entire time. Now, I don't know if Lane and Hayden genuinely threw the competition, but Brendon really was the only one out there with any fire in his gut. This complacency amongst the Brigade is nauseating. They control the house, they have a majority, it's ok for one of them to win now. People on Twitter seem to think they collectively threw the competition in order to not get blood on their hands. I'm gonna say that this is probably partly true. I'll bet they started with good intentions, but after seeing that actual physical labor and intensity were required, they weighed the "what's the worst that can happen" scenarios in their head and then threw in the towel. It is with extreme regret and disgust that I announce that Brendon, Bitch Boy extraordinaire, is our new HOH. *runs to bathroom to puke* Dammit, if I'm pregnant I'm gonna pissed. Never mind the fact that I have no idea who the father could be. I'll either give birth to a little person (Mr. O'Shaugnessy), a caramel baby (Deion), or an infant with hooves and horns (Goat Man). If I slept with anyone else I don't know about, let me know in the comments so I can kick your ass.

So, Bitch Boy wins and just as he smacks the buzzer or whatever he launches into a douchetastic speech about people coming after him. Thankfully, the Feeds went down and we were spared his ranting gibberish. It must have been during that speech that he named Britney, Ragan, and Matt as this week's Have-Not's. Since Bitch Boy stands for everything unholy that I hate, let's do the Have-Not's a solid this week, shall we? Why don't we all vote for them to get Bologna and Bran Muffins? No need to punish some of the only people willing to stand up to Brenchel. That sort of behavior should be rewarded not penalized. You can vote HERE.

When the Feeds return we find Britney and Ragan in the Have-Not room crying and feeling sorry for themselves. Hell, I'd cry too if I knew Encino Man was in charge of the house. I'd also probably drink Windex and gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon, but that's just me. Ragan begins to regret calling Rachel a witch on live television and that pissed me off a little bit. He thinks it's karma that's out to get him out. Britney disagrees saying that if karma had anything to do with anything, there's no way in hell Brendon would have won HOH this week. Meanwhile Enzo is in the other room wondering why everyone is so mopey and sad. He's as happy as can be with how things turned out. He's also a fucking idiot. I'm sorry, he's likable and all that, but I'm very "What have you done for me lately?" when it comes to Enzo. He never orchestrates strategy, he's always shocked when people evaluate game play for him, he never wins anything, and he eats like a pig. I truly think that at this point Enzo might even be more useless than Kathy. At least Kathy stands up for herself and tries. Yes, she's weak and all that, but she tries. I have yet to see Enzo try anything.

So, Brendon is HOH and he's picked up a new habit. He saunters now. He also curses like a retarded sailor, but this sauntering thing is really what's gonna bug me. How do I describe it? It's like P. Diddy walking with an ankle injury meets a constipated Cro-Magnon man. It's scary and if I saw it in shadow form on a wall, I'd hide under my blanket and call the police. He's the HBIC and with that comes a confidence that manifests itself in his walk. Mr. O has been practicing the walk all morning. It's cute when a naked bearded man with a new asian character tattoo on his ass imitates a caveman with his tiny bow-legged legs. He won't tell me what the tattoo stands for though. Everytime I ask him he blushes and giggles so I kicked him in the nads and sent him to his corner. Ahhhh, it's nice to have things finally back to normal around here.

Off in another room of the house, Enzo and Hayden are talking about who they'd vote out if Britney and Ragan were on the block. They both decide that Britney would be the better choice because, as Enzo puts it, "She knows stuff". Personally, I'd prefer Britney stay. A house of penis isn't really what I want to watch for the next 18 weeks (yes, it feels like 18 weeks) and Britney makes me laugh. I can honestly say that at this point in time, I would have no problem whatsoever with Britney winning the whole kit and caboodle and becoming our new BB12 champion. She's entertaining, she's winning stuff, and she's not afraid of the penis people. I dig that.

A little later on Enzo is shooting the shit with Brendon. Brendon tells him that they should have never kept him in the game because, by doing so, they've unleashed a monster. What kind of monster are you Bitch Boy? A whiny crying salivating (his saliva is really gross and audible) embarrassment to his family monster? Ooohhh so scary! Enzo ignores whatever Brendon is spewing and goes on to say how he really wants to get a photo of his wife and daughter at some point. Bitch Boy says he's not close to his family and that he'd be absolutely fine not hearing or seeing them. Hmmm, I wonder what's going on there. Could Brendon's suspension from the California School Board for inappropriate conduct have something to do with it? There's a story there... definitely. Count on it. Brendon even has the nerve to say that he'd much rather get a letter from Rachel than his family. Are you shitting me?! She just left the goddamn house! What's she gonna say to you Brendon? Hey HEY Heeeeyyyy, what's up in the hizzy y'all? Brendooooonnnn you better buy me an $80 bottle of wine when you get out. Love ya beyotch! I AM Vegas!! LULZ Is that the type of inspiration you're looking for Bitch Boy? You disgust me. Don't you have any friends or anything? Actually, what the hell am I saying? Of course he doesn't have any friends. Would any of you good people be friends with him? Hell to the no!

Back in the bathroom, Ragan is now crying to Hayden. He's aware of how ridiculous he looks and he actually used to laugh at people who cried on reality shows. It's just that Ragan, like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News, likes to have a good cry now and then to purge himself of all the bad thoughts. Holly did it daily, but Ragan likes to do it once a week. He also prefers doing it without a house full of cameras watching him and analyzing his every move. Hayden understands and says that he, too, has sometimes felt like crying. It's all very bromantic and boring. You see, everyone is basically forcing themselves to stay awake for the big HOH reveal. For some reason, it's taking a REALLY long time for Brendon to get his room. I wonder if the reason is that no one in Brendon's family wanted to write him a damn letter. Clearly, BB was unprepared for his victory (although I don't know why - wins like his are a dime a dozen in the BB house) and the rest of the house was forced to suffer because of it.

I woke up at 4 in the morning and checked my Twitter to see if anything of note had happened. It was about that time that Brendon had finally gotten his room. The letter was from Lupe, his sister, and I think it said a bunch of stuff about them not being close at all. Nice Lupe! Better yet, Bitch Boy got a photo of Rachel. I wonder if that was what took so long. CBS couldn't find one without her vagina hanging out so they spent half the night photoshopping in one that would be acceptable. He got a Weezer CD and seriously, who the hell cares? This week is gonna suck I think. The fact that Brendon even won at all was a big wake up call to Ragan and Britney and now I'm thinking they'll be holding their tongues and lightening up on the trash talk. Sucks.

So, who shaved my dog? How did Goat Man die? At this point, who do you want to win BB12? Do you foresee any fights whatsoever happening this week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Great as always! What I most want to know is what kind of dog did you get? ~gina

  2. She's an American Eskimo. She's the sister of my dog who passed away several yrs ago. My mom had to move and I sort of inherited her.

  3. So if Brenda puts Matt on the block, can Matt use that diamond POV to pull himself off and put Bitch Boy up? - Loftis

  4. It wasn't me. You know my bedtime is 9PM EST.

  5. I agree this weeks gonna suck ass, I am also starting to like Britney more and hope she is safe somehow this week, I also would hate to see all men make it to the end. I hope someone leaks the Brigade thing and they all turn on each other. Enzo is an idiot and drives me crazy!! Going to vote for the bologna and bran muffins now!

  6. Your party sounds like it was fun, welcome back Mr. O. I could see this HOH win coming a mile away it always happens. RIP goatman

  7. I say let Bitch Boy be apart from his Vegas whore for another week. We all know he's only prolonging the inevitable, as he will be the one and only target for the entire house until he's gone. He won HOH, big whoop - can he win Veto next week, HoH the week after and so on? Since I really don't care who wins at this point (yay, another one of those seasons - barf!), this week is barely a blip on my BB radar. Hopefully there will be a little excitement with the DPoV, but since it will most likely be used to save a Bra-gade member, even that doesn't peak my interest very much.
    Great blog, as always, Lala. I was looking forward to your thoughts on the ex-fiancee bit, but I'll forgive the omission since you are so freaking all-around entertaining.

  8. I so wanted a tweet from you about the best moment of last night's show...Brendan's ''knight'' comment to HFF eliciting simultaneous side eyes and snickers from his ex and her mother. It was a priceless second in time!

  9. Sorry for, well, just sorry. No need to get into details.

    I'm alright with Brendon winning. The brigade gets to sit back and relax once again and let someone else do the heavy lifting. I just hope that Bitchass surprises me and does something strategic with his noms. But, I totally see Britney and Ragan for the block with Matt as the replacement should one of them win POV. I don't know who I'm rooting for to win, but as it stands I'd love to see it go to Matt or Britney.

    I'm done with the brigade. That HOH had Lane's stong back and name written all over it. Isn't he from Texas? We in the Lone Star state are offended that he lost a comp that has to do with untangling fucking rope. If you have that thick of an accent in Texas, you fucked with rope almost as a pasttime as a kid. My city boy ass would have rocked at that comp.

    Fuck the Brigade (Except Matt).

  10. @ Tara

    Did you see they had a drinking game? Everytime Brendon said I love you to Rachel, Candice had to take a drink!

  11. The NeanderTALL is running a muck. Maybe now that his cavewoman has been feed to the dinosaurs he will show a sign of intelligence. NOT. Colette La La did you notice how Enzo and Hayden were questioning Matt's loyalty to the brigade. WHo are they to question. The Man has gotten his hands dirty to keep the Brogade together. Yet these two question him give me a break. The one who should be questioning is Matt.

  12. I think I may have slipped in there somewhere between the leprechaun and the the Goat Man, but at least we know I couldn't be the one who got you pregnant. (Been fixed, you see.)

    Great blog today. (As ususal.) I agree with everything you said. I'm team Britney right now. I wouldn't mind seeing her and Matt in the final 2. And I SO loved Brendon's ex's family. When Rachel pushed Brendon away, and they cut to Brendon's ex laughing, and her mom smiling "take a drink" was the best moment of BB so far.

  13. There was no doubt Bitch Boy was going to win HOH, and I have to wonder if CBS/BB/AG had something to do with it. Since it was no secret the HG's were saying all week that they were going to vote out Brendon aloud while in reality they were going to vote out Hyena and I wonder if the choice of competition was changed with this fact in mind. I found it suprising the HOH ended up being the hardest endurance of the year instead of a mind challenge. Hmmmm, maybe the powers that be wanted bitch boy to win????

    Couple that with Chenbot's cryptic message that Rachel could be in the BB house again makes me wonder if CBS just HAS TO have Brenchel the entire season?? Could there be another Pandora's Box that enables that skank back into the house? Maybe I've had too many pain pills but I think the fix is IN.

    My only hope is that BB does not continue to meddle and let this thing play out.

    What do you guys think????

  14. "CBS couldn't find one without her vagina hanging out so they spent half the night photoshopping in one that would be acceptable" LOL

    Couldn't care less that Brendan is HOH. So he buys another week. Whenever the rest of the houseguests want him gone, he'll go. (If they're smart they'll do it next week when he can't be HOH).

    BTW, loved Matt's HOH blog. You should check it out if you haven't seen it already. It's almost as good as yours. ;)

  15. OMG. I just thought of something. Damn Pandora's box. Don't they always open it twice in a season? How much you wanna bet Rachel's ass is in the damn PB this week? I will NOT be happy if they bring that bitch back. And I think they may be planning that. Cuz there's 7 weeks left, right if they just passed the half way point. There's 8 ppl left. Since we know they always do a double eviction that means somebody at some point is coming back. OMG. They are going to bring her ass back. Ugh.

    Team Britney. I hope she wins the veto. And there's hope for drama - depends on when they do the diamond power of veto. Matt's totally using it - doesn't matter who's up there. That's right up his alley. If they make him use it before Thursday, Brendon will implode. But I think they'll wait until the Thursday - which means the implosion happens next week. Either way, we'll have to listen to him whine about the game being rigged against him.

  16. The havenots got eggplant and escargot! I had trouble voting. Kind of awful for them...but grilled eggplant is not too bad. Sorry Brendon won but the Bro gade made no effort to win and you would think pride alone would motivate I am a little over Enzo.
    Soooooo Happy Mr. O made a triumphant return!

  17. Clearly CBS wanted the result they got last night which sucks for the 99% of us who can't stand Brendon. Hopefully the Diamond Veto will be invoked and will cause him to lose his decorum - that would be good tv too CBS.
    Bringing Rachel back wouldn't be at all fair though and so and Julie's little slip that she (Rachel) may be back in the house has me nervous. Xanaxed up after that! I am disappointed at the Brigade's no-show in the competition but haven't given up on them just yet but if they keep getting closer and friendlier with Brendon they can FOAD in my opinion. Finally, Britany is the lone bright spot. She's funny, feisty and cute and she and her bikini have won me over.

  18. I used to have an American Eskimo dog...a Spitz. Her name was Crystal, and she was deaf, but just adorable and snuggly, and always best friends with the pizza man. (When I was growing up, my mom only cooked Dominoes Pizza...)

    Enjoy your new puppy!

  19. YEAH! Mr. o'Shaughnessy is back! I missed that little guy!

  20. Oh Lala just for a moment I was happy, when the door hit the skank in the ass on her way out Oh it was so delightful! But I felt the happiness start to fade when chenbot said to skank that this may not be the last she sees of the BB House. WTF does this mean? When vaginia boy took out his tampon and won HoH, POP!! like a giant balloon burst, there went my happy heart.
    So today while I sit in my soiled clothes chain smoking and drinking vodka, I am doing a little mexican voodo myself. (hope it works)
    Before I close I must say how much I despise the Bra-gade, especially Enzo. Enzo has not done anything but play pool, lay around and eat like a wild boar.
    And just one more thing, why in the hell does CBS get so many HG's that have never seen or heard of BB??? ie Enzo,Brenden, Jeff and Russel from BB 11 and too many more to mention. I am so tired of this. Why not get real BB fans?
    I must close as I have burned a cigarette hole in my tee-shirt and soiled my underwear, did I mention that I am very upset? :'(

  21. i want to see enzo put in some position where he's actually under pressure to perform in this game; just once before he eats, scratches and sniffs his way to the final two. and he's secured his position in the house just by convincing everyone that he's some kind of mastermind. in reality, he's just a glorified floater, worse than kathy and full of shit. keeps saying how he can't wait to turn on brendon, that he's sick of that charade. BS home boy, we're still waiting. fact is he'll ass kiss everyone he can until it's no longer physically possible. now it's occurred to me that we really have no idea what kind of man enzo really is. so far his actions don't match his words. i think he's a phucking phat phony. maybe even a coward. definitely full of shit.

    btw, i snuck into your party, and let me just say i may very well be the father. and trust me, you enjoyed it. :-)

  22. my thought about julie's cryptic msg to rachel...not the last you've seen of the bb house...maybe she will come back in a gorilla suit,ala jesse 2008.....or something's hoping cbs/bb was just vague enough to create a buzz among the blogs and feed watchers and nothing more....please, i dont think i can stand another minute of that tequilla skank hag...i had to watch her dr sessions on mute, seriously.

  23. @CheapRobot
    I so agree with you on everything you say about Enzo, and Hayden is full of shit too. While he laid around with Kristen he did not play game at all, now he is sneaking around like Enzo kissing vaginia boy's ass. I just wish the rest of them would get smart to these two. I hope Britney gets POV and Matt takes Ragan off the block. At this point I hope Britney or even Matt wins, anybody but Enzo the floater extraordinaire.

  24. Okaaay, after we shoved the opium pipe in your mouth, Goat Man, O'Shaugnessy and you started a beautiful menage-a-tois. Unfortunately, Goat Man was changing positions and clipped Mr. O in the head. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off leprechaun with a hard on. Mr. O snapped Goat Man's neck like a Thanksgiving turkey wishbone.

    You were so distraught at losing your new baaaa boy toy that you screamed out that you just couldn't live without him and flung yourself head first in that vat of glitter.

    And that's what happened-the video is safe.

    Sorry about the rhinestones on the ceiling. After dropping all that acid, I thought I was playing lazer tag. My bad.

  25. "So if Brenda puts Matt on the block, can Matt use that diamond POV to pull himself off and put Bitch Boy up? - Loftis"

    Sorry nobody answered ur question so I will:
    Matt cannot put up the HOH who is the bitch boy nor can he put up the reg veto winner.

  26. LOVED LOVED LOVED the Ex's family visit... but also makes me wonder... are his parents SOOOO embarrassed that they refused first? LMAO... my boyfriend called that NEITHER family would be showcased. Damn he is good! I just rolled with laughter and had to replay that interview a few times!

    Chenbot's cryptic message that Rachel could be in the BB house again - PLEASE NOOOOOO! Plus wouldn't it have to be an America's Vote anyway and all the other guests are out of sequester so that would be a major Fucking with the game move. Maybe Julie meant that Rachel would get to visit him via Pandora's Box (like Natalie).

    Enzo... Ultimate YES MAN! Agrees with EVERYONE "Oh yeah, you are so right"

    Lane... DEFINITELY should have had that HOH in the bag... on a side note (and look closely at the live feeds or Sunday's show) when he saw that Brendon was close to the end he GRINNED BIG AS SHIT! I'll look for the time stamp if you want. They definitely threw that one. I'm betting they gave Brendon a head start and then to save face, picked it up a bit (during the time the show went off and feeds hadn't come back on). Enzo was just pitiful hanging back with Kathy.

    Do you think that Brendon changed from Britney because he felt bad OR - possibly because he was called to DR to get a warning because he told Matt that he was putting up Lane/Brit... and then told Brit he was putting her up that he got a penalty and was told that NOW he could NOT put her up because he already had a warning and it is against the rules to tell someone you are putting them up?

    Personally I would have loved to have seen him put up Enzo and Hayden because he saw through their bullshit... but I guess that requires him to actually see through their bullshit. (Note: cameras caught him eavesdropping on those two after he showed them the HOH room so I thought he was clued in at least a bit).

    Are you still hung over a couple days after your party?

  27. the drama, ragan won pov.....what will they do now.what will matt do.scuse me while i throw up..........