"You can feel it, you can almost taste it, the rightness in the air." Christian Slater says this line in the film Pump Up The Volume and before yesterday I never really understood it for myself. I've felt mosquitoes in the air. I've felt paranoia in the air. I've even felt an asthma attack in the air, but I don't think I've ever felt "rightness in the air". When you feel "rightness in the air" it's like a field of pinatas filled with vicodin is sprawled out before you. Each one of them smiles at you and beckons "Come hit me! Come hit me!" You bang the bejesus out of them and then little white pills of happiness coming raining down from the sky. That's how I always imagined rightness in the air to be. But yesterday *contented sigh* yesterday the Big Brother house, of all things, gave me that rightness I've been looking for. It gave me rightness wrapped in a bow and nestled in tissue paper. It was dipped in dark chocolate rolled in macadamia nuts and dusted with pure uncut Afghan opium. It wasn't quite the Fall Of Rome, but it was close. It was the Fall Of Big Red. *rolls around naked in a bathtub filled with glitter* Let's recap, shall we?
I'm not gonna dilly dally or waste you good people's time. The POV came and went and RACHEL LOST!!! Mwahahahaha! Oh happy day! Better yet, she lost bowling and in front of that bubblegum sugary sweet couple Jeff and Jordan. Yup, Jeff and Jordan hosted the POV competition this week and I actually wasn't too mad about it. Previous rumors from AG herself had Jeff spending the night in the BB house. Had that happened, I would have hurled my laptop into a haunted Friday the 13th kind of lake and called it a season. Lucky for you, their stay was only for a few hours.
So yeah, Rachel lost, but get this - Kathy was the one who knocked her out of the competition. Haha! Apparently, what happened was that Rachel picked "Houseguests Choice" when the house was picking POV players and she very strategically picked Kathy to play because she assumed Kathy would lose and be out in the first round. Not so fast Zitty McZiterson. Kathy hates you like she hates the roaches who steal her Spam back in Texarkana and she'll do anything to knock you off of your pedestal of hate. From what I can gather, Kathy knocked out Rachel and Britney knocked out Brendon with Britney winning the overall competition and her third POV.
This brings us to the delicious post POV drama. Pull up a chair and grab yourself a beer - this is good. OK so after Kathy knocked Rachel out of the competition, Kathy was so proud of herself for actually beating someone (and not just anyone mind you, the very brutal and ruthless Rachel) that she cheered "Yeah!" after bowling her winning ball. Well, Rachel and her mismatched extensions took that as a personal affront to all that his holy in the world and bitch wanted an apology. She marches up to Kathy in the kitchen and says, "I want an apology." Kathy laughs in her face and says "I ain't giving you nothin'. I beat you and I'm not apologizin' fer that" *bites fist* Rachel, shocked and surprised, goes on and on about how her poor herpified feelings were hurt and how when she was HOH she let Kathy sleep in her room. Kathy opened her Tammy Faye eyes nice and wide, raised her finger to Rachel, and unleashed a big ole bag of angry on her. It was sublime. It was delicious. It was what that bitch deserved!
Who knew that in a house full of strapping men, little country bumpkin Kathy Faye would be the one to open up a can of whoop ass? Finally, someone besides Kristen in that house of pussies has the balls to stand up to Rachel. It bothers me to no end that everyone hates her yet no one has the guts to tell her to her face how awful she is. The only way to get her to stop acting like an obnoxious hyena is to let her know how truly wretched she is. Call her out! That's really the only way to teach her a lesson. While all of this is going on, Ragan and Britney sneak away and hide in the HOH room, Lane and his beefy friends stand there trying to appear busy, and Brendon huddled in the corner and choked back tears. Not one person was willing to back Kathy up or tell Rachel how ridiculous she is. It was disgusting to be quite honest. As a result, I'm very proud of Kathy Faye. Not only did she shock me, but she earned some cool points with me. Well done Dragon Lady, well done.
Speaking of "done", Rachel isn't. Kathy walks away from her and goes into the cabana room. Rachel follows her and keeps demanding an apology. Kathy spat in her face, yanked out her nappy extensions, and then lit them on fire with the lighter she keeps in her bra. No, not really, but that would have been good, right? In actuality, Kathy just told Rachel that she's never apologizing and that she needs to get over herself. Kathy eventually retreats to the HOH room to get away from the psycho hose beast. Rachel, undeterred, goes back to the kitchen to make a speech. She pulls a wooden cross out of her ass and climbs up on it. She tells the HG's left in the kitchen that this has been a hard week for her and that everyone in the house is kicking her when she's down and that she doesn't understand why people are making this game so personal. Are you shitting me? Are you seriously fucking shitting me? Oh. My. God. I have one word for you Rachel and that word is... Kristen. You took Kristen out of the game for purely personal reasons. You were so jealous of Kristen you couldn't stand it! It ate away at your insides and gave you the shits when you realized how much better she was than you. She was a threat to your air time and that made you absolutely insane with envy. I have zero sympathy for you Rachel. You're one of those people who loves to trash everyone, but the second the tables turn you cry because you just can't take it. You disgust me and I really wish I could be there when you discover how hated you are.
When Rachel finishes her speech, she climbs down off her cross and goes into a bedroom with her minion slave bitch to make fun of Kathy some more. Back in the kitchen, Matt is stunned. He says everything Rachel said in her speech she's done herself only ten times worse. He can't believe how hypocritical she is. Yeah, well I can't believe what a fuck up you are Matt. We could have had this drama weeks ago! Had you put them up when you should have Kristen would still be here and I wouldn't be forced to watch hours of Brenchel making out. Do you have any idea what it's like to sit and listen to them tongue kiss each other while Rachel counts her zits? I can't take it anymore! My ears are tiny little tufts of bloody skin and my eyes are puffy shriveled up little nothings. I said this before, I used to be cute! Now, I'm slightly scary and I mutter "hate hate hate die die die" to myself all day. I putter about the house scratching at my arms and pulling out my own eyelashes. Rachel and Brendon have turned me into a complete mess. As I'm sure I'm not the only one, I take comfort in the fact that, at least, I'm not alone.
Actually, maybe that's why the other HG's run away from Brenchel all the time. Maybe they're just saving themselves from the agony of trichotillomania, schizophrenia, and lots of other words ending in "-nia" that probably require a boatload of prescription pills. Up in the safety of the HOH room Britney is going off on how disgusted she is by Rachel. Brit thinks that Rachel's family and friends must be horrified. Actually, I think the family that's horrified is the Villegas family. I just know Brendon's mother has a shaman on retainer to rid her son of the clutches of the red-headed viper. I'm thinking this Thursday we'll finally get those home visits I've been waiting for. The Reilly's will be annoying. Count on that. They'll be thrilled with Rachel and how well she's done. They'll approve of Brendon and think he's the perfect match for Big Red. Conversely, Brendon's mom will be clutching a crucifix weeping into the camera with 10 rosaries around her neck. His dad will be thin-lipped and furious. His sister will be holding a machete and flashing gang signs to the camera. It's gonna be awesome!
Ok so after some weepy talk from Brenchel where Rachel fake cries and Brendon threatens to piss off the house so they keep Hyena Fuckface instead of him, Rachel finally snags Britney and confronts her about the POV. She straight up offers Britney $5ooo to which Britney replies "No way Jose!" Britney says that if she took the money and used the POV it would anger the house and jeopardize her own game. She tells Rachel it's nothing personal, but it'll hurt her greatly in the end were she to use the POV. Rachel whines and says, "But you were gonna use it on Haydennnnn." Britney says, "But I didn't." Rachel says something about in reality she's not a big competitor and then she says something about wanting the big competitors to team up. I don't know. She's not making any sense. Basically, all you need to know is that Britney isn't using the POV and she's not taking Rachel's money. The end.
This brings me to the part of the night that I may never recover from. I'm not a religious person at all, but I'm pretty sure Jesus cried last night. Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are sitting in bed together and Bitch Boy tells her, "I was put in this game to meet you. I'm going to write you a poem everyday. You're my muse." In that instant, my pet unicorn impaled himself with his own horn. I had to stuff him in my car, drive him to the vet, and watch while the doctor yanked and pulled and used his feet to get some fulcrum and torque on that bitch of a horn. I'm sad to say that Barnaby is still in intensive care. The good news is he's getting lots of great drugs and I may or may not be hooking up his IV to my own inner arm veins. Look, Barnaby has lived a long and fruitful life. If I'm going to make it through 18 weeks more of this shit (I know it's probably only 4 weeks, but 4 weeks in BB12 time feels like years) I'm gonna need to be sedated and passed out on the good stuff. Besides, my unicorn dealer is making a stop to DC this week. I hear he's got a new sassy bitch in his stable. Her name is Barb E. Dahl. Is that not perfection?! I hear she curses like a sailor and likes to watch Double Trouble reruns. I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna find a Double Trouble DVD. The last time I saw those twins was in Grease 2. They were singing a song about Brad and taking classes from Connie Stevens.
Alright, well clearly I'm losing my mental faculties. I'm gonna wrap this up and let you bitches take control of the comments.
So, how many more fights do you think Rachel will have this week? Will Brendon cause a bruhaha in order to save his wench? Does Santaria really work? Brendon's mom wants to know. If I held a contest for the best poem written in "Brendon speak" would you participate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!