Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Fall Of Big Red

"You can feel it, you can almost taste it, the rightness in the air." Christian Slater says this line in the film Pump Up The Volume and before yesterday I never really understood it for myself. I've felt mosquitoes in the air. I've felt paranoia in the air. I've even felt an asthma attack in the air, but I don't think I've ever felt "rightness in the air". When you feel "rightness in the air" it's like a field of pinatas filled with vicodin is sprawled out before you. Each one of them smiles at you and beckons "Come hit me! Come hit me!" You bang the bejesus out of them and then little white pills of happiness coming raining down from the sky. That's how I always imagined rightness in the air to be. But yesterday *contented sigh* yesterday the Big Brother house, of all things, gave me that rightness I've been looking for. It gave me rightness wrapped in a bow and nestled in tissue paper. It was dipped in dark chocolate rolled in macadamia nuts and dusted with pure uncut Afghan opium. It wasn't quite the Fall Of Rome, but it was close. It was the Fall Of Big Red. *rolls around naked in a bathtub filled with glitter* Let's recap, shall we?

I'm not gonna dilly dally or waste you good people's time. The POV came and went and RACHEL LOST!!! Mwahahahaha! Oh happy day! Better yet, she lost bowling and in front of that bubblegum sugary sweet couple Jeff and Jordan. Yup, Jeff and Jordan hosted the POV competition this week and I actually wasn't too mad about it. Previous rumors from AG herself had Jeff spending the night in the BB house. Had that happened, I would have hurled my laptop into a haunted Friday the 13th kind of lake and called it a season. Lucky for you, their stay was only for a few hours.

So yeah, Rachel lost, but get this - Kathy was the one who knocked her out of the competition. Haha! Apparently, what happened was that Rachel picked "Houseguests Choice" when the house was picking POV players and she very strategically picked Kathy to play because she assumed Kathy would lose and be out in the first round. Not so fast Zitty McZiterson. Kathy hates you like she hates the roaches who steal her Spam back in Texarkana and she'll do anything to knock you off of your pedestal of hate. From what I can gather, Kathy knocked out Rachel and Britney knocked out Brendon with Britney winning the overall competition and her third POV.

This brings us to the delicious post POV drama. Pull up a chair and grab yourself a beer - this is good. OK so after Kathy knocked Rachel out of the competition, Kathy was so proud of herself for actually beating someone (and not just anyone mind you, the very brutal and ruthless Rachel) that she cheered "Yeah!" after bowling her winning ball. Well, Rachel and her mismatched extensions took that as a personal affront to all that his holy in the world and bitch wanted an apology. She marches up to Kathy in the kitchen and says, "I want an apology." Kathy laughs in her face and says "I ain't giving you nothin'. I beat you and I'm not apologizin' fer that" *bites fist* Rachel, shocked and surprised, goes on and on about how her poor herpified feelings were hurt and how when she was HOH she let Kathy sleep in her room. Kathy opened her Tammy Faye eyes nice and wide, raised her finger to Rachel, and unleashed a big ole bag of angry on her. It was sublime. It was delicious. It was what that bitch deserved!

Who knew that in a house full of strapping men, little country bumpkin Kathy Faye would be the one to open up a can of whoop ass? Finally, someone besides Kristen in that house of pussies has the balls to stand up to Rachel. It bothers me to no end that everyone hates her yet no one has the guts to tell her to her face how awful she is. The only way to get her to stop acting like an obnoxious hyena is to let her know how truly wretched she is. Call her out! That's really the only way to teach her a lesson. While all of this is going on, Ragan and Britney sneak away and hide in the HOH room, Lane and his beefy friends stand there trying to appear busy, and Brendon huddled in the corner and choked back tears. Not one person was willing to back Kathy up or tell Rachel how ridiculous she is. It was disgusting to be quite honest. As a result, I'm very proud of Kathy Faye. Not only did she shock me, but she earned some cool points with me. Well done Dragon Lady, well done.

Speaking of "done", Rachel isn't. Kathy walks away from her and goes into the cabana room. Rachel follows her and keeps demanding an apology. Kathy spat in her face, yanked out her nappy extensions, and then lit them on fire with the lighter she keeps in her bra. No, not really, but that would have been good, right? In actuality, Kathy just told Rachel that she's never apologizing and that she needs to get over herself. Kathy eventually retreats to the HOH room to get away from the psycho hose beast. Rachel, undeterred, goes back to the kitchen to make a speech. She pulls a wooden cross out of her ass and climbs up on it. She tells the HG's left in the kitchen that this has been a hard week for her and that everyone in the house is kicking her when she's down and that she doesn't understand why people are making this game so personal. Are you shitting me? Are you seriously fucking shitting me? Oh. My. God. I have one word for you Rachel and that word is... Kristen. You took Kristen out of the game for purely personal reasons. You were so jealous of Kristen you couldn't stand it! It ate away at your insides and gave you the shits when you realized how much better she was than you. She was a threat to your air time and that made you absolutely insane with envy. I have zero sympathy for you Rachel. You're one of those people who loves to trash everyone, but the second the tables turn you cry because you just can't take it. You disgust me and I really wish I could be there when you discover how hated you are.

When Rachel finishes her speech, she climbs down off her cross and goes into a bedroom with her minion slave bitch to make fun of Kathy some more. Back in the kitchen, Matt is stunned. He says everything Rachel said in her speech she's done herself only ten times worse. He can't believe how hypocritical she is. Yeah, well I can't believe what a fuck up you are Matt. We could have had this drama weeks ago! Had you put them up when you should have Kristen would still be here and I wouldn't be forced to watch hours of Brenchel making out. Do you have any idea what it's like to sit and listen to them tongue kiss each other while Rachel counts her zits? I can't take it anymore! My ears are tiny little tufts of bloody skin and my eyes are puffy shriveled up little nothings. I said this before, I used to be cute! Now, I'm slightly scary and I mutter "hate hate hate die die die" to myself all day. I putter about the house scratching at my arms and pulling out my own eyelashes. Rachel and Brendon have turned me into a complete mess. As I'm sure I'm not the only one, I take comfort in the fact that, at least, I'm not alone.

Actually, maybe that's why the other HG's run away from Brenchel all the time. Maybe they're just saving themselves from the agony of trichotillomania, schizophrenia, and lots of other words ending in "-nia" that probably require a boatload of prescription pills. Up in the safety of the HOH room Britney is going off on how disgusted she is by Rachel. Brit thinks that Rachel's family and friends must be horrified. Actually, I think the family that's horrified is the Villegas family. I just know Brendon's mother has a shaman on retainer to rid her son of the clutches of the red-headed viper. I'm thinking this Thursday we'll finally get those home visits I've been waiting for. The Reilly's will be annoying. Count on that. They'll be thrilled with Rachel and how well she's done. They'll approve of Brendon and think he's the perfect match for Big Red. Conversely, Brendon's mom will be clutching a crucifix weeping into the camera with 10 rosaries around her neck. His dad will be thin-lipped and furious. His sister will be holding a machete and flashing gang signs to the camera. It's gonna be awesome!

Ok so after some weepy talk from Brenchel where Rachel fake cries and Brendon threatens to piss off the house so they keep Hyena Fuckface instead of him, Rachel finally snags Britney and confronts her about the POV. She straight up offers Britney $5ooo to which Britney replies "No way Jose!" Britney says that if she took the money and used the POV it would anger the house and jeopardize her own game. She tells Rachel it's nothing personal, but it'll hurt her greatly in the end were she to use the POV. Rachel whines and says, "But you were gonna use it on Haydennnnn." Britney says, "But I didn't." Rachel says something about in reality she's not a big competitor and then she says something about wanting the big competitors to team up. I don't know. She's not making any sense. Basically, all you need to know is that Britney isn't using the POV and she's not taking Rachel's money. The end.

This brings me to the part of the night that I may never recover from. I'm not a religious person at all, but I'm pretty sure Jesus cried last night. Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are sitting in bed together and Bitch Boy tells her, "I was put in this game to meet you. I'm going to write you a poem everyday. You're my muse." In that instant, my pet unicorn impaled himself with his own horn. I had to stuff him in my car, drive him to the vet, and watch while the doctor yanked and pulled and used his feet to get some fulcrum and torque on that bitch of a horn. I'm sad to say that Barnaby is still in intensive care. The good news is he's getting lots of great drugs and I may or may not be hooking up his IV to my own inner arm veins. Look, Barnaby has lived a long and fruitful life. If I'm going to make it through 18 weeks more of this shit (I know it's probably only 4 weeks, but 4 weeks in BB12 time feels like years) I'm gonna need to be sedated and passed out on the good stuff. Besides, my unicorn dealer is making a stop to DC this week. I hear he's got a new sassy bitch in his stable. Her name is Barb E. Dahl. Is that not perfection?! I hear she curses like a sailor and likes to watch Double Trouble reruns. I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna find a Double Trouble DVD. The last time I saw those twins was in Grease 2. They were singing a song about Brad and taking classes from Connie Stevens.

Alright, well clearly I'm losing my mental faculties. I'm gonna wrap this up and let you bitches take control of the comments.

So, how many more fights do you think Rachel will have this week? Will Brendon cause a bruhaha in order to save his wench? Does Santaria really work? Brendon's mom wants to know. If I held a contest for the best poem written in "Brendon speak" would you participate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Thank you, Lala. My day is complete. I needed a break from the internet cat ladies moaning about how poor Rachel is getting picked on by everyone in the house except her Soulmate, and she just doesn't deserve it, dammit!

    "Bring it on," indeed.

  2. I don't even think I know how to speak... Brendon. I think a better comp. would be to try to walk like him. (Not that we could actually do that online.) But seriously, they way he walks is so fucked up. I've been trying to figure it out for weeks. But I think it reminds me of Arnold Schwarzenegger (I know I spelled that wrong)in that Kindergarden Cop movie... when he has the ass problems and he has the little round pool floaty toy to sit on. I don't know... but Brendon just seems to have some anal issues.

    I agree about the rest of the house being pussies. Ragan and Brit especially... and now they just can't be fake anymore. PUH-LEASE, you had no problem at all being fake the 2 weeks that Hyena was HoH.

    I think if Brendon figures out that there is no way Rachel will stay... he will quit the game to save her. HE IS THAT STUPID. Can't wait to see his Mom.

    It wouldn't bother me to see Rachel stay. I like the drama. Yes, you can all call me crazy. But I'd love to see how much crazier she would be without Brendon there to reign her in. I can see her standing over Kathy's bed with a kitchen knife. It could be awesome.

    Another awesome thing would be if Lane or Britney actually caught Ragan being the Sab. Oh god... that would be so wonderful.

    Other than that... the only drama we have to look forward to is Ragan and Brit finally being stabbed in the back by Matt and Lane... and then the Brigade finally having to turn on one another.

  3. "Dear Rachel...

    Before I met you, I was just young, dumb and full of cum. Now I'm only young and dumb. Thank you. Do I have big long fake red hairs all over my clothes? Can you get the lint roller?

    Love, Brendon"

  4. You're hilarious. You're right. Rightness is in the air! Love it.

    Why didn't she dye her extensions when she dyed her hair? The mismatch is driving me crazy. It just looks tacktastic.

    Can you imagine being stuck in the house with Brenchel with no outlet? Omg. I'd run from them too. They drive me crazy the few hours I engage in BB. I can only imagine what 24-7 is like. I'm praying for the souls up in that house.

    Brendon speak poem:
    "Oh Rachel
    That you are a chemist is really neat
    I know that God intended us to meet
    You are so beautiful and so sublime
    I am so happy that you are mine
    And I don't care that you have 12 zits
    And that you give me evil looks with thin lips
    I'm just glad that you're gonna move
    Away from Vegas with your big boobs
    Forever and ever you and I will be
    With our annoying voices throughout eternity"

    That is all. The end.

  5. I can't believe no one has confronted Rachel about her behavior! It drives me crazy! Everyone is so worried about getting and keeping jury votes and its like quit kissing asses and be real! I swear if I were there not only would the Bitch be called out but her extentions would be in the garbage disposal or at the bottom of the swimming pool! I wish just once people would say what they are really thinking, thats the person that would get my vote in the house! Brendon's family is probably hiding under a rock and regretting telling everyone that their baby boy was going to be a reality star! Meanwhile Rachel's family is happy she landed a pre-med. Rachel kills me she sits there and tells Brendon... yea they like pay me to do all of these things, fly me out and we go to clubs and I charge depending on what we are doing... Rachel that is called a prostitute. I'm not calling her a whore because of her being with Brendon, I'm calling her a Vegas-call-girl because thats what she describes herself as. Her family should be so proud. Here is hoping to someone tells her where to go this week!

  6. I feel sorry for Brenden because I think when this is all over Rachel will drop him like a hot potato. So in the long run she'll go back to her fabulous life in Vegas and he'll have his heart broken yet again.

  7. I'll write Rachel a poem.

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Sugar is sweet and,
    You're a bitch.

    Not all poems have to rhyme, ya know.

  8. Lala, what a very comedic take on Brenchel! I love witnessing the fall of Big Red and am disappointed that she is so shallow. I respected her game play initially but now I see what she is about. She's the girl with a 'high school' mentality, wanting all the attention and vengeful when someone else is sad; she's supposed to be an adult. Thank you for your awesome expressions, now I'm ready for tonight's episode!

  9. Mirror Mirror on the wall
    When do you predict Rachel's fall?
    From Big Brother the mirror states
    Her time is up, and her mates
    And her Vegas life with all it's kicks
    Is nearly over at 26
    That hosting deal of which she brags
    Does not work for overaged hags
    The Vegas world, so hot and dirty
    Spits you out if you look 30.
    As a mirror who sees the fair and not
    I'd prefer to give Rachel no more thought.

  10. it makes sense that bitch boy's madre has been wishing boils all over fuckface's face to make her as ugly as possible to stop her beloved brendon from making a serious mistake. but every zit is just another reason to write a poem apparently.

  11. Love how Kathy gave it to her and the funniest part was Kathy saying "Are you going to MAKE ME apologize to you?" and Rachel says YES I AM and planned on following her around and hounding her until she got one. LOL Even about 5 minutes ago on the live feeds, Rachel is STILL trying to get an apology and Kathy is still telling her no. LMAO!!!!! (check feed 3 from about 4:50 on) Gotta give it to Kathy for spitting fire right back when she isn't horizontal. Do you think she may have had her inner player in hibernation till now? What am I saying ... NAH. But still GOOD FOR HER! Maybe she realizes that there is no vote to shmooze from R/B because the writing is on the wall that she will not be in final 4/3/2 so let her have it! That is probably why the others are tiptoeing because they think they may still need R/B votes.

    "I have zero sympathy for you Rachel. You're one of those people who loves to trash everyone, but the second the tables turn you cry because you just can't take it. You disgust me and I really wish I could be there when you discover how hated you are." Oh CoLa.... But you CAN be there when she discovers how hated she is... IN VEGAS! I think even her shallow "friends" are going to be grossed out by her. How DARE she sleep with Brendan for free!!!! Now she isn't a call girl... she is a slut.

    I feel so sorry for Brendan's mom/family. She must be mortified! I loved your visual of what will happen Thurs... and I think you described it pretty accurately.

    Anonymous "mirror mirror" LMAO... even funnier is it is PERFECT for Rachael... I thinking of her as the Queen in Sleeping Beauty during Kristin week. How DARE anyone else get attention! Anyway... LOVE the poem - and the truth to it!

  12. BEST BLOG BY FAR THIS SEASON! AWESOME!! You really need to write a book! You make a #1 best seller, no flipping doubt!

  13. Rachel my dear, I love you
    Even if, you have a fake boob or two

    I love your smile and your zits
    I'll wipe your ass if you take a shit

    You are wonderful, you are great
    Too bad the carpet does not match the drapes

    I can't believe this has gone so fast
    But then again, my heads only been up your ass

  14. I hate that BITCH and how she treats Brendon but he is so damn dumb and his head is so FAR UP her FIRECROTCH he doesn't see anything but RED...I knew the day would come when she gets BOOTED THE FUCK OUT and I'm sooo much as I hated Matt b4 I love him this week...BECAUSE HIS SO CALL "SECRET" ALLIANCE WONT GROW SOME BALLS...ENZO IS IN DENIAL YOUR ALLIANCE ISNT MAKIN HISTORY AND NEITHER ARE YOU WHO CAN NEVER NEVER NEVER WIN A CHALLENGE 2 SAVE YOUR LIFE( THE BRIGAY ARE A BUNCH DOUCHE BAGS) Lane and Hayden why are you doing this to yourself being associated with such a DUMBASS lane is better off alligning himself with Britney ATLEAST SHE CAN WIN COMPS...anyways had to get that out but Brendons mother prolly can't leave the house people see how much of a dumbass her son is and she has to be ashamed!!!

  15. Rachel is a textbook example of Borderline Personality Disorder. I dated a girl with BPD for 5 months and she acted the exact same way. You can't fix her, she's broken! RUN BRENDON RUN!!!

  16. I'm wondering what you think about the Brigade - I'm thinking their plan is pretty brillant. Yes they're ball-less and haven't been making any major moves. But their strategy is rock solid if they don't turn on each other. To the house it looks like each one is paired with someone else. So they'll always go up against someone outside of the brigade. That's pretty damn smart. They don't have to win anything as long as they still have their fake alliance in the house. It's like showmance 2.0.

  17. Colette, I've been gone a few days at a family reunion type thing at lovely Minnesota lake and so have missed much of the drama of the last few days. I think I am now caught up (thanks for mentioning me in your blog, my pussy does need some attention). So, who would you support now? Any favorites? Or, now that Big Red is gone and Kristen is retired to West Hollywood, can you relax a bit and let events unfold as they will without casting spells and imbibing great quantities of gin? I'm curious about who you see as a contender, even if you loathe them.

  18. Although I am not a clinical psychologist, I think Anonymous may be completely correct in his/her diagnosis of borderline personality disorder for Rachel. I have known a couple of people with the disorder, and her behavior certainly fits the profile.

  19. I'm surprised more people haven't mentioned her having BPD. It's true it is not a very well known mental illness (and it IS a serious mental illness). Ragan has come closest when he was talking to Kathy and said there is something not right about Rachel mentally. He got it wrong though when he said she was manic/bi-polar, but that is often the label tagged onto people with BPD, though the two are very different, and BPD is much worse to deal with. I could be wrong but I first thought she might have that during the first two weeks when she put Brendon so high up on a pedestal and then got very angry and insecure when he even mentioned another girl in the house (I think he said something in defense of Annie). She is getting progressively worse.

  20. What has happened? I take a few days off and all hell breaks open. Did I hear right, of was it the wine and sausages talking? Is needledick thinking about winning the POV and using it to save his noble, fair maiden? Speaking of maidens, does anyone remember the heavy metal band - Iron Maiden? remember their iconic pitchman Eddie? have you ever seen Eddie and Big Red in the same room? I'm just saying.
    anyway if she pulls this off I want to start a petition to change the name of POV from POWER OF VETO to POWER OF VAGINA!!!!
    That boy is so whipped his only chance of real love with "It" is to hope his needledick squirts wine and botox..
    Cheers, Sausage.
    ps. a heads up in the future if my sausage fingers are requested, they need to be properly lubed.

  21. Another thought: It might be the booze talking here but somehow I am convinced that Lane and Brit are more than houseguests. I can feel a bit of flirty flirt there. Is is just me????
    In the immortal words of the Amazing Enzo -
    Your Blog Is Bangin' Yo......

  22. "You're doing good Bren-nan!" "Hang in there Bren-nan!" "You're gonna win Bren-nan!" It's BRENDAN you moron!!! I hate that bitch...

  23. Matt is an egomaniacal asshole. Ragan and Enzo also annoy me. When Rachel and Brendon leave, who will cause any drama.? If you think the house is already boring, wait until they leave. Whatever happened to the "2 house guests that have been friends since childhood" twist.? Was that true.? Various rumors, Kathy/Brittany are mother/daughter, Ragan/Matt are brothers, Hayden/Lane are brothers. Considering the animosity shown towards Brenden and Rachel, it would be interesting if another house guest had a connection to either of them.

  24. "Zitty McZiterson" LMAO

    How delicious is irony? Kathy knocks out Rachel. Beautiful!

    Interesting that Brendon will defend Rachel when she & Ragan are going at it, but not when Rachel & Kathy are arguing? Is he just afraid of all women?