Friday, September 3, 2010

Take My Bones... PLEASE!

It's hot. The heat is sweaty, sticky, sweltering, and thick. It's like Louisiana heat or Mississippi heat. It's the heat that belongs in tightly packed churches with ladies in fancy hats fanning themselves. It's lovely to read about like in To Kill A Mockingbird where the women bathed 3 tmies a day and wilted like soft talcum covered teacakes. Heavy, languid, suffocating heat sounds romantic on the page, but, in reality, I'm seriously considering a career as an Eskimo. Eskimos are always smiling and I'm pretty sure they must know something I don't. Maybe clubbing seals and wearing fur year round really is the secret to happiness. I don't know. What I do know is that spending the summer watching some big headed uninteresting untalented worthless people putter around a house and say moronic things most definitely isn't the smartest way to spend a summer. I am incredibly angry at Big Brother and I feel violated, raped, and ignored. I spend hundreds of hours of my life watching and writing about Big Brother so I tend to take it personally when I'm given nothing to work with or care about. I have wasted the summer of 2010 and I'm pissed off about it. Let's recap, shall we?

I'm not going to mince words here. Big Brother 12 is the worst Big Brother in the history of Big Brother's all over the world. The reason I watch this show in the first place isn't for the competitions. Hell, it's not even for the strategy. The reason I watch is for the FIGHTS. Delicious fist biting fights where insults are hurled and someone is left crumpled on the floor in tears. I want my participants ballsy and impulsive. I want people not scared to stick up for themselves or speak their minds. Clever turning of a phrase and hotheaded convictions are bonuses I'll devour like a succulent lobster claw dipped in butter. I live for chest bumps, shrill voices, teeth gritting, and evil well thought out plans of sabotage. Stifled paranoid cautious personalities do not a successful reality show make. Hyper awareness of cameras and constant musings over potential stardom are not only infuriating, but it makes the season pretty much intolerable.

The "let's hold hands and be friends" mentality of the HG's is nothing more than one big giant fun sucking tumor that's draining my happiness levels and turning me into a pinched and bitter (albeit lovely) viewer. While watching the live show last night and discovering that the HOH competition would roll over onto the Feeds, I furrowed my brow, sighed long and deep, and begrudgingly turned on my Real Player. Pushing a single fucking button has never been more difficult or painful. A single Demi Moore Ghost tear trickled down my face as I prepared to listen to 4 idiots do whatever it is they do to entertain themselves. I think I'd rather watch the English Patient on a constant loop for the next 60 years rather than have to endure these final days of Big Brother 12.

As a matter of fact, let's talk about all the things I'd rather do than watch Big Brother 12. Yes, this might be fun. Let's see, I'd rather sit in the DMV next to a large smelly woman in a purple muumuu suffering from acid reflux than listen to Enzo talk about how famous he'll be. I think that watching Temple Grandin in French on a scratchy DVD sounds euphoric rather than witnessing Hayden brush his man bangs this way and that. I'd rather stick a rusty shish kabob skewer covered in black widow spiders and red fire ants into my pancreas than have to watch Lane readjust his gigantically goofy trucker hat one more time. You know, I used to fear the possibilty of being a viable bone marrow donor for a friend or family member in need (I hear it's the most painful procedure ever). Now, I'll happily let anyone drill as many holes as they want into my lovely bones. You want a chunk of femur? Go ahead and take it. How about a nice piece of my tibia? Forget the pain meds just drill baby drill. While you're at it, how about removing my spleen with a spoon that's been sitting in a roach infested sink for 3 months? Pour battery acid into my eyeballs and attach little electrical nodes to my nipples.... sounds like heaven to me as long as I don't have to hear the word "Steamboat" ever again.

Do you know that last year I used to wake up late because I was up all night on the Feeds? I'd rush to my kitchen and quickly throw together something that resembled a breakfast then I'd run to my laptop and write and write and write lengthy neverending posts about how Kevin was the wittiest smartest player ever or how Lydia was unleashing all kinds of gorgeous crazy on Ass Licker. I didn't have half the readers I have this year but I enjoyed what I did. I would literally schedule trips to the grocery store or the post office to when the Feeds were down and the HG's were having a comp. I remember setting up my laptop on top of my treadmill and then almost breaking my neck leaping off to take notes when I saw Russell crawling on his stomach for a secret meeting with Ronnie. Each week I had a fight or a heated argument to cover. Every single day was overflowing with strategy and ingeniously conceived lies.

You wanna know how this year is going? I'm in bed by 11:00 PM and up by 7:30 AM. I take my time brewing one perfect cup of coffee and chopping uniformly symmetrical pieces of melon for breakfast. I walk the dog and wave hi to the neighbors. When I head back home a large pout begins to form on my face. I suddenly grip the dog leash really tight causing my hand to turn an interesting shade of purple and, more often than not, I'll just out of nowhere kick an innocent squirrel breaking open an acorn. When I arrive at my front door I stop and I just stand there and stare. I know that the second I open that door I'm going to have rack my brain searching for ways to make BB12 interesting. I know that as soon I step over that threshold the whimpering will begin - not from the dog, from me. Quiet little staccato whimpers as I uncomfortably hunch over my keyboard and resentfully make a blog post. I HATE BIG BROTHER 12!!!!!!!! I hate that I whine about it. I hate that I sometimes skip days purely out of anger. I hate that as my writing gets better, the feeds get worse. I'm convinced it's all an evil plan the universe has concocted just to piss me off. I don't like coming on here and complaining. I swear, I don't, but sometimes I just can't help it. The show I love so much and I sacrifice my summers for every year has now made me feel like a sucker. I've passed up trips to watch this crap. I'm such a moron.

Alright, enough of my bitching. Hayden is our new HOH and Lane is just now realizing he probably made a $500,000 mistake by getting rid of Ragan. There is no way Lane can win this season unless he gets to the Final 2 with Britney. Keeping Ragan and jumping ship on that lame ass Brigade alliance would have increased Lane's chances of winning. Instead, he now has to worry about Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber going after Britney. Lane fucked up big time and he knows it. Enzo and Hayden are coming, guns blazing, after Britney.

Everyone comes to the consensus that Hayden is going to win this entire game. I've been saying that for weeks now and it's doubly sickening that these yahoos are actually all ok with it. They had a chance to get rid of the one player everyone likes and they blew it. Hayden almost deserves to win based on their collective stupidity alone. Personally, I want Britney to win, but I just don't see that happening. I'm a realist and, as a result, I'm not only depressed, but I've resigned myself to the fact that a Brigade member is going home a half a million dollars richer.
The Brigade realizes this fact too so they continued to plan their post BB road to stardom. Enzo thinks he'll have a t-shirt empire or be the next Tom Cruise and Hayden is convinced he can get a job interviewing fighters of some sort. I'm just going to say this once - if any one of my blog readers buys a t-shirt from Enzo or pays to see these knuckleheads in person, I will personally hunt you down, gut your pets, and weld a dunce cap to your head. You'll be banned for life from my Bitchy world and every time you leave your house you'll see me sitting on your mailbox or perched in one of your trees pointing and laughing at you. Anyone who goes into the BB house and spends 90% of their time planning how famous they're going to be deserves to be kicked in the nuts and ignored for eternity. It's not only a disgrace to the game, but it's a disgrace to humanity. When Enzo, Hayden, and Lane set up their Twitter accounts, I better not see you guys kissing their asses and telling them how wonderful they are. Nothing drives me more crazy than watching fans spend a season bashing someone and then immediately kiss their asses as soon as they begin tweeting. I've seen it with Chima and Jessie and it's mind boggling how comfortable people are in their own hypocrisy. Personally, the only people I'm interested in making contact with are Ragan and Britney... and maybe Kathy. I wasn't all that nice to Kathy in the beginning of the season, but I grew to love Kathy Faye and her tall tales of cabin life. If she can see the humor in how I portrayed her, then she's one cool lady... Dragon Lady, that is.

Back in the house Britney gets called to the DR and Lane begins to regale the boys with his Julie Chen stories. Apparently, whoever was preparing Lane for his HOH Chenbot interview kept telling him, "You're a star! You're a star!". Oy vey. Enzo eats it up with a spoon and Hayden smiles through his obnoxious hair. Lane tells them how Julie actually said the word "Brigade" to him and how cool he felt in that moment. The three musketeers giggle and decide to up the prices on their Brigade World Tour. They continue to reminisce about the live show and Lane actually says, "My tattoo looked cool on TV." The other yahoos agree and they sit around very pleased with themselves. *sigh* They repulse me. With every fiber of my being, I'm repulsed. It's bad enough they think they're somebodies now, but the fact that they're talking about it knowing we're all watching is even worse. Look, if you think BB is going to make you famous and you're gonna milk it for all it's worth, don't fucking talk about it ad nauseum over and over again when possibly thousands of people are watching you! Are you truly that stupid?

So, will you continue to watch if Britney loses POV? Will Enzo ever star in a Scorcese film? How much are you looking forward to Survivor right about now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button and show your girl some love. I need to buy Prozac... lots and lots of Prozac.


  1. I'm done with BB12. I'll watch the show and read your lovely blog but that's it. The show is just too boring and lame now -- AND since they all seem to be intent on slurping their food constantly, I can't take it. BB12 totally jumped the shark. I hope the producers grow some cajones and cast more crazy and unstable people next year. Sure you might get a Chima who throws equipment into the hot tub but at least it'll be entertaining.

    Thanks for sacrificing your summer to entertain us all! We apprec. It's almost over, Lala. Hooray!

  2. I ask you, who's watching now?

    I remember bb11 fondly. The Braden, Lydia, and Kevin fight that started the summer of delight. I was glued to my screen. Jeff and Russell's falling out, Kevin and Ronnie, Russell attacking Ronnie, Casey dissing Jessie on his way out the door, Chima daring Russell to hit her, OH THE DRAMA!

    It was my first foray into this magical place called Big Brother, and now I feel I was deceived.

    prettyplainjo asked on twitter yesterday where the season went wrong for everyone. I had to think. For me, it was when Britney, armed with the facts, (THE FUCKING FACTS!) decided to not go against Lane and put her best chances at winning out the door. I haven't turned on the feeds, or watched the show since Matt was put up as a replacement nom. I just don't have the inclination. Bless you for your courage, Lala.

  3. I know it's obv and soooo unlikely, but here I sit, praying at the altar of passive entertainment for Britney to win POV (GO BRIT!). Then the stupid ass Meow Meow goes home. (Bet he spent weeks before the show developing that nickname for hisself.)What would follow is a 66% chance that Hayden fails to make the final two.

    And really, should the planets align (the way we all hope?), is there even a chance Lane beats Brit? I can't imagine it.

    And if Lane wins POV, will he vote out Enzo? One would expect he would but he's already proven he's not smart (or brave) enough to act in his own best interest.

    Lala, we all feel for you and understand your pain. It truly is the crappiest season ever -- I can barely believe how boring these idiots are. Thanks for hanging in there.

  4. This season is a joke. None of these HG's has anything that resembles a spine. Britney's ONLY chance to make final 2 is to convince Lane to make a move, but she's worried about how the changeup would affect the rest of the game??? REALLY....REALLY??
    Sugartits, that was your only chance to come in something other than 4th place, and you gakked it. No doubt there will be non-quiz competitions the rest of the way, so thanks for playing Britney.

    So instead, we get Hayden/Clutch Cargo as the most likely winner. Please spend some of the 500K on collagen injections.

    Bring on Survivor!!

  5. i originally found you through your survivor blog. i googled some really insulting phrase in reference to one of the players and your blog popped up. hehe i was hooked, and now i'm hooked on your BB blog. unfortunately, as you said, the show began REALLY tanking right about the time you hit your stride writing this summer. i agree that time and life is too precious to waste on people like these. i am also planning my life after the BB house. i'm going to hunt down the bra-gade and force them to watch enzo eating on a constant loop until the cast for BB13 is announced.

  6. I keep checking the Bitchy Amazing Race and Bitchy Survivor blogs just to see if you've started them yet. *sigh* I wanted to love this season, really, I did. It just wasn't in the cards. I'm still hoping for a Britney win, but I'm not holding my breath.

    Here's hoping the survivor old folks kick the young one's asses to the curb. Since I'm and old folk myself, I'm kicking back with my Geritol, menopause pills and Icy Hot for an awesome season. Oh, and don't forget the fan, those hot flashes are a bitch. God, can you imagine having hot flashes in the freaking jungle---just kill me.

    Not excited for TAR yet, but I'll get there. I hear there's a new beauty queen to rip on, gotta love that.

    Much respect to you for sticking in there for this atrocious season when you could have been working on your book.

  7. Geez, you make me feel guilty for enjoying your blog. Like if I didnt maybe you wouldnt be so miserable right now. But someone has to do the ugly, stinky work and as long as you write it, Ill read it.
    And I will keep watching (the show, I dont have the feeds) because its BB and I love BB. Granted this hasnt been the best or even kinda good season but if theres a next one Im optimistic that...ok youre going to call me Pollyanna so Ill stop. But I would rank this season above the winter season..I hated that one. Its the only one I missed episodes and didnt care and didnt seek out updates.

    Brit has to win veto, she just has to!

  8. I do not and will not follow anyone on twitter or facebook except you. They are all idiots! I'm done with BB bring on Survivor! I can not wait to hear what you will have to say about Jimmy Johnson!! I am way to excited!

  9. Well, if it makes you feel any better, at least one person is suffering along with you. No, I don't have to try to write a blog every day. If I did, I'd probably snap and knock over a liquor store. But I am kind of stuck finishing out the stupid Fantasy game that started out strong, but most everyone has bailed on now. I don't blame them. I would if I could too. But since I started it, I have to finish it, and that means watching 3 episodes a week closely enough to make a little mark by someone's name every time they get bleeped. It's Friday afternoon and I still haven't watched Sunday's or Wednesday's shows yet. I know I have to at some point, and I will. Just postponing it for as long as I can.

    I'm not looking for sympathy. Just letting you know you're not alone. I really do wish I didn't have to watch this at all anymore. But I know I'm not the only one who still loves the blogs. I look forward to them much more than the actual show. Thanks for sticking it out.

  10. This is the first year I took a chance on the feeds. I was always afraid I'd spend my whole summer glued to my computer screen; this year I had spinal surgery in June and figured I wouldn't be out and about much, anyway, so I took the plunge. Head first into a shallow pool, as it turns out.

    What a piss away of $30. That's a decent bottle of vodka I could have had; at least getting numb that way would have been a little bit more fun. As it is, when I bother with the feeds, I only watch them for 10 minutes at a time. Then my screensaver kicks in, and I find that more interesting. I don't know how you've kept your sanity this season, Lala, if kept it you have.

    My suggestion would be for you to gather all of your blogs from this season, publish them as a book through CafePress, and give them to your friend Kristen to present to the rest of this season's cast so they can see what their "fans" really thought about the whole mess. And send a copy autographed with gold glitter to Alison Grodner.

    And of course, the author's photo on the back cover should be our lovely Colette with her middle finger expressing our collective opinion of Big Brother 12.

  11. Hello CoLa baby, i just hate this year. No desire to watch it at all, just doing it to keep up with you. It just drains the life out of you. Still on Brit's team, can't stand any of the guys. Lane is all kinds of dumb. He had his chance and blew it. Can not believe Enzime or Air Hair are going to get the 500K. Makes me sick. Can the jury do a write-in candidate. i vote for CoLa to win the cash. Btw i donated and get no credit, secretsteve. No credit, no credit card baby. kisses

  12. Now I have to go and buy mad brigade shirts, having Ms. Lala pirtched in my tree laughing at me would definitely make up for a shitty summer and the suckfest that would be the first BB season I ever watched ....
    I was however kinda surprised even as cocky as Matt is that he dropped the bomb on the jury house about his lie .

  13. Just 2 words for this season: Fuckin HELL!

    Ms Lala...I'm pretty sure that I love you. lol I've lost count of the number of times that I've thrown my hands in the air this season and said that I'm not watching these toads anymore...but yet I keep watching just as one doesn't really want to look at a traffic accident as they pass by,but ya just can't help it.

    If it weren't for your efforts and those of "another" site,there would be no actual entertainment from BB12 at all.

    *SIGH* I'm on team Brit even tho she needs a miracle at this point. Yes,she is a bitchy lil person....and that is exactly why I like her. I just wish she'd had better ppl watching skills to figure out the shit that other HGs have been up to.

    At least I still have Weeds to watch and,soon,the new season of Dexter.

  14. I don't have Weeds to watch, but I do have the weeds in my yard to watch-and they are more interesting than, "Yo, it's gettin' crazy in here, yo!"
    The night before Ragan left, Enzo said some outrageous, uncalled for ugly gay slurs towards Ragan-and Ragan wasn't even in the room. So disgusting, I won't quote even on the bitch-encouraging website. It's way past time for him to go.
    THEN he had the nerve to try to compliment Ragan at the eviction for a jury vote. Can't wait for Ragan to find out the truth when he gets out. (Altho' he likely suspects Enzo is bigotted scum.)

  15. It's almost over, my lost summer of BB12. thanks for sticking with your blog.. without you it would have been... inTOElerable ;) go Britney.. Waiting for your comments and words of wisdom on the Survivor cast..

  16. You are the only reason I have halfway kept up with BB12 the past couple of weeks. I WILL NOT buy a t-shirt from Enzo or follow any one of the Brigaduh on Twitter or whatever. I pray that I never after this season have to hear about the Brigaduh again!! I cannot wait for Survivor to start! You are amazing Lala, keep up the good work!

  17. Your blog is the best thing about this craptastic season and I do appreciate the fact that your sticking it out. I can't wait for Survivor and am an Amazing Race fan and your blogs add the perfect touch to each show. Thanks for all your hard work and Go Britney!!!! I will be so bummed if any Brigade winner wins it, they are all complete morons and I'm hoping she smokes them all in the POV and wins the last HOH. I think she is a long shot to win it though because the jury is so bitter and not likely to vote on who played the best game.

  18. Yes, the things Enzo has said about Ragan and Britney are ridiculous, and no one in that house will call him out on it. I doubt Ragan suspects anything because he likes Enzo and keeps all his negative focus on Rachel and Brendon. You'll note that's all he talks about the majority of the day along with Brit who can't stop focusing on Brendon. Anyway, Britney is picking up Enzo's bad habits and keeps making "Brokeback" jokes about Ragan and Matt. It's really annoying.

    This season went wrong for me the moment I realized that the mob mentality in that house was going to dominate the game. When Kathy is the only one thinking for herself, then you know there's an issue. Kathy was the official couch warmer, people. Why is she the only one going against the grain? The show jumped the shark for me when I realized that the rest of the season was going to be focused on getting Brendon, Rachel, and Matt out... no real fighters this year -- just floaters and a Britney.

  19. I had a nightmare last night. Brenchel was on TAR. There goes another show! Oh, wait ... now that he's not in the running for 500K, she won't give him a second thought. Whew!

  20. When Enzo muses, "What's Ragan doing? Playing with himself? Sticking a bottle up his ass?" I find that MORE than ridiculous. I find him just as homophobic, if not more so, than Rachel. He should be escorted off the set, "No need to sit down, this way out!"

  21. I can not wait for this season to end! I get mad at myself every time I watch an episode. I can not wait for Enzo to find out everyone thinks he is an ass! Matt's lie reveal is painful to watch, Rachel is an absolute bore. Why do I hate myself so much that I stick with this show? What have I done that I punish myself this way? I don't think I can watch the finale either. I'll just read this blog and you can just tell me how it all ends. I need to be good to myself.

  22. Sorry, not a Britney fan. GO HAYDEN!!!!!

  23. Thank some of your commenters for picking up and criticizing the anti-gay statements of Enzo and now even Britney. And I'll add my own personal comtempt for when Brendon would not only join Enzo in the prejudiced remarks -- he'd actually instigate them. . .including call Matt emasculated because he hung out with Ragan. In the other blog I read ( too many of the commenters are just as bigoted as Enzo. I was beginning to think that no BB watchers had a problem with homophobia. Anyway, bitchy commenters, thank you for restoring some faith in humanity.

    Colette, it would be nice if you spent some time bitching about the production of the show which cast Lane with his unsavory past and never shows Enzo's prejudiced live feed rants but makes Ragan look worse than he was (the edit of his fight with Rachel). God knows that the live feeds themselves won't give much to talk about.

  24. I thought the fights between Ragan and Rachel/Brendan were pretty cool. Ragan was the only one with any cajones in that house!!

  25. To Anonymous: there are many bloggers that have taken issue w/Enzo's nasty remarks towards Ragan at the site I frequent. So, take heart. I take issue w/Enzo's nasty homophobic remarks (I know nothing @ Brit doing it.), even tho' I am straight. Wrong is wrong. Evil is evil. In my time we called it "uncalled for"! It still is.

  26. There is nothing I would love more than to unleash on Enzo's homophobia. The only problem is I haven't seen it firsthand. If you have flashback times for me I'll be more than happy to look into it and do an entire blog about it.

  27. i just want to say James Bonds idea about the book is priceless. I say do it LALA! Thank you for being the only saving grace of BB12. I am slowly realizing my hatred for Rachel and Brenden was misplaced, at least when they were in the house I had something to watch.

    I'm not a religious person but I am praying for Brit to win, cause I may throw my computer across the room into my tv if a Bra-gade(even typing it makes my urge to stick a knife in my eye stronger) member wins it all.

    Where is Jeff Probst!

  28. Your wish is my command...check it out:
    (if you can stomach his rotten mouth)
    Sept. 1 11:12PM cam. 1

  29. Great Carole, thanks! It looks like I have quite a bit to cover for tomorrows blog so give me until maybe Monday to address it. Thanks again bitch!

  30. I won't listen to a single interview. Can't wait for these idiots to crash and burn, go back to their real jobs and wonder what the hell went wrong. Listen, listen can you hear it. POP the big heads blow.