Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wednesday Bloody Wednesday


The night began with a buzz and a simple "What does this do, yo?" It was Enzo in the bathroom playing with a new razor and inadvertantly sealing his own fate. You know that phrase Gandhi said "Desperate times call for desperate measures"? Well, desperation took over the Big Brother house last night and audiences everywhere were subjected to a night so bloody that Bono is penning lyrics about it as we speak. Yes, my dear readers, Enzo has breathed his last breath and "Yo'd" his last Yo. Never has Big Brother After Dark been so violent so it is with great sensitivity and painstaking care that I recap for you the last moments of one Mr. Enzo Palumbo's life. Let's recap, shall we?

Hayden has won HOH and the Brigade has accomplished everything it's set out to do: bore and annoy BB fans everywhere to the point of just not caring anymore. We can't even be bothered to get angry. When the news hit that BB13 has already been ordered we all just kind of yawned, stretched, and said, "Really? Oh ok." and then we went back to napping. The only thing that makes us want to get out of bed and maybe brush our teeth for the day is the fact that America's Choice for favorite player is still in our hands. Now, I'd love more than anything else for Kristen to win, but I'm a realist (sometimes) and it's bone hard medical fact that she left the game way too early to win AC. I could mobilize my infantry units and demand everyone vote for her, but I fear it just won't be enough. Dick and Jane America watching only the CBS shows don't read this blog and, while they're lives are severely lacking because of it, there's no way they'll vote Kristen for AC. She left too soon and Dick & Jane just don't take their Gingko Biloba like they used to. So, where does that leave the Bitchy Big Brother Blog? I'm torn as to whether or not to endorse Ragan or Britney. I like them both, but I want to be sure to pick the one who has the best chance of winning. Had America not chosen Ragan for Saboteur, I'd go ahead and recommend you give your vote to Britney, but I just don't know. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments and we'll collectively vote as a group for that one person. Let's do everything we can to make sure Enzo does NOT win America's Choice.


OK so back in the house the mood is a pleasant one. Hayden is peering through the mop on his head and fiddling with the HOH key around his neck while Lane is off somewhere... breathing. Only Enzo appears to be jittery and full of energy. He sits in the bathroom alone and attempts to take care of a little manscaping for the big live show tonight. Big Brother has graciously given the HG's a shiny new sharp razor and Enzo is busy trying to figure out how to turn it on. He plugged it in, but for some reason the damn thing just won't buzz. He hollers for Hayden and Lane to come help him, but they just sigh and continue practicing being comatose. Enzo shouts, "Yo, help me with this razor, yo!" Hayden and Lane look at each other with raised eyebrows. "Did he just say razor?", Lane asks. "Yeah dude.", Hayden replies. Slow smiles creep across their faces as they rise and prepare to help their good buddy figure out the razor... yo.


Hayden and Lane enter the bathroom area to find Enzo seated and shaking the electric razor up and down. Hayden gently puts one hand on Enzo's shoulder and whispers, "Here, let me help you with that." It quickly becomes apparent to Hayden that Enzo has simply forgotten to flip the power switch in the "On" position. He shares his discovery with the group and they all throatily giggle together. Enzo smiles, "Thanks, yo." Pointing to the back of his head, he asks, "Would you mind trimming up this part back here, yo?" Hayden answers, "Sure buddy." He looks to Lane, winks mischievously, and beckons him over with one finger. Hayden says, "Let Lane hold your head still. I want to make sure to trim a straight line." Enzo sits in the chair while Lane straddles him and grips Enzo's bristly head with his two meaty paws. It was a little awkward at first, but Enzo trusted his buddies so he didn't give Lane's hot breath in his face a second thought.


Razor in hand Hayden kisses the HOH key around his neck, looks up to the camera to mouth the words, "I'm sorry", and with great precision he proceeds to slice off Enzo's ear. Lane holds the screaming Eye-talian still while Hayden takes the severed ear and begins to eat it. Enzo struggles and shrieks, "What the hell are you doing yo?!" Hayden smiles a no lipped bloody smile and replies, "Making sure I win $500,000 yo." Now, Hayden and Lane aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they know their odds of winning greatly increase with Enzo safely out of the picture. As Hayden is kind of a pussy boy who'll only begrudgingly make decisions when he absolutely has to, it's just easier for him if Enzo were to, oh I don't know, suddenly disappear. Having to choose on live TV on finale night between his two buddies makes Hayden feel all oogy inside and if there's one thing Hayden hates, it's feeling oogy.



As far as Lane is concerned, well, he just loves the violence. Sure, he may not win the 500K, but with Enzo gone he's guaranteed at least 50K and that's good enough for him. Seeing Hayden chomp away on Enzo's floppy ear gives Lane an idea. He takes the razor from Hayden and begins to work it back and forth over each one of Enzo's fingers. Hayden leaps and dances like a monkey boy in the background while Lane stuffs the fingers one by one into Enzo's giant trap. "That's for eating with your mouth open!", Lane declares. Hayden giggles and takes the razor back from Lane. He shaves Enzo's head bare and laughs heartily when the teeny tiny hairplugs from the Jeremy Piven Collection began to leap out of Enzo's skull.



The bloodied torture continued into the wee hours of the morn and, let me just say, it was Amityville, Silence Of The Lambs, and the poodle scene from Interview With The Vampire all rolled up into one. Removing Enzo's nipples with a sharpened wooden spoon was bad enough, but did Hayden and Lane really have to eat Enzo Toe Nuggets for dessert? As a pacifist that just seemed a little extreme to me... especially when they dipped them into the Honey Mustard sauce. I don't know what shocks me more: the fact that Hayden has always had pure uncut evil living in his hair or that Showtime dared to air the murderous rampage in it's entirety.


In lieu of flowers, Mama Celeste and Papa John request garlic. *shrugs shoulders* I know, it's weird, but Enzo was their only son so let's indulge them.


So, did you make it through all of BBAD last night? Who should we vote for America's Choice? Would it shock you to know that Enzo Toe Nuggets are naturally fragrant with oregano? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

37 comments:

  1. What a suitable ending.

    I just started a discussion at the BN about who everyone's voting for, not knowing that you were asking the same question here. I'm voting for Ragan. I'd be ok with Ragan, Britney or Matt winning (I think they are the frontrunners)as long as it's not Enzo.

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  2. I'm voting for Brit. I think she deserves it and her diary rooms were hilarious. Ragan would be my second choice with Matt coming in third.

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  3. Lane & Enzo's heads may both explode if Part II of the final HOH is a "knowledge based" competition.

    I voted for Britney for America's Choice.

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  4. Britney all the way!

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  5. Definately Britney!

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  6. I'm voting for Brittany! I love her!

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  7. spank me yell at me but I voted for Brendon.
    Ithink he played a good game for a total retard. :-)

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  8. I'm voting for Britney. She made it on her own to the final four without a four man alliance.

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  9. Britney for sure!!

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  10. I'm with Susan...

    I say Brendon. I don't have to like him to admit he played a pretty good game. Not to mention it would really piss the houseguests off! I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want anyone that the Brigade would deem "worthy" of winning, to get it. And I think Brit would be would be their second choice if one of them don't get it. So let's all get revenge for this total bore-fest of a season and vote for Brendon!

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  11. I think Britney deserves the 25k because she put up with the douche bags in the "brigade" as long as she did. And she did it while entertaining us all with her witty comments and banter. So I say go Britney! I already voted numerous times for Britney.

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  12. I say vote for Ragan....I really detest the Brigade, so if Ragan wins AC, along with his stipend and saboteur money, he'll make more than 2nd place. I know it's petty, but I just don't want to see the Brigade hauling it all in.

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  13. I say Britney. She played a great game and her DR's were very funny. She made it to the final four with no help from the Bla-gade. Thank the Universe that this season is over....

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  14. LMAO @ lane saying britney is the nicest, sweetest person on the planet during his speech last night. again, LMAO.

    i say give the 25k back to the feedsters to split equally. they got ripped this year.

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  15. Brendon? Snoooze. I say LaLa for America's choice. Mizz Thangy Thang deserves it more that Kristen who is 'rally pround of Hayden. Please vote Kristen for AC.' Sorry that's just gross. I woke up to it and said 'ew.' A short wTF are you doing 'ew.'
    Annie? .. Holy Whiny-pants get over yourself. I cannot quote her due to the fact that she postal with her blocking one day and decided I was a shitty fan for giving her undeserving support and compliments in the 1 tweet I've ever sent. What? Oh yes.. batshit crazy. Probably not the best way to secure a fan fave vote, moron. I imagine her tweets went something like "I wish I had a chance to show you what a good player I could be but my stay was unfair and too short." Boo Freakin Hoo. I wrote this in the last post I was writing when my battery ran out and blew away everything I had written. Grr...rr.r. Back to Annie. I would send her a 4 pack of kleenex, even the ones with aloe but there is no chance in hell I would give her my vote. Blech.
    Lala, BB12 was so boring and you're blog was something I looked forward to rather than the damn show!
    You're an excellent writer and have managed to make you're post more interesting, dramatic and funny than Big Brother 12. Kudos to you my dear. I swear I would give you my vote over any of them in a snap. Xoxoxoxoxo me
    P.S- Thank you

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  16. Brit. I like a broad in training. A future Chelsea Handler, Kathy Griffin, Divine Miss M or Madeline Kahn? A sportscaster with locker room interviews where she asks, "How's it hangin'?" Hell, we could see her verbally eat a member of the View on live TV one day just for giggles. I want to hear Barbara say, "Bwittney!"

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  17. I'll vote for anyone but Enzo!

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  18. Voting for Britney, without question. She made this season tolerable.

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  19. Ragan should get America's Choice because he put voice to America's thoughts on Rachel. It was the most watchable part of the whole season. Without that and Kristen standing up for herself, this season would have been a COMPLETE empty snoozefest. (Your blog has been a real treat. Thank you)

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  20. Absolutely, Brit for AC!!!!

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  21. I think America should have been able to come to the CBS studio and pelt the bragade with rotten eggs, tomatoes, and compost during that competition. Then when they were allowed to go back inside the house they would find out that all the food was missing and a tiny note would be left in the storeroom for them saying "Good thing America dislikes you so much. You can have all the food you want from the backyard mess." Just an idea. (It would be the first time we would see them eat a fruit or vegetable.)

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  22. Jokers has Brendon #1, he's the dark horse candidate.

    As much as I like your blogs I can't stand Ragan, but you convinced me to hate Enzo more. As long as anyone but those two win I'm happy.

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  23. Britney. She was the savior/wit of a VERY boring BB12. Enzo's behavior, as he revealed the Brigade to Britany, was despicable.

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  24. Love ya LaLa!!! Your blog gets better every year and you have really outdone yourself this year considering the subject matter you had to deal with. I will follow you wherever you go!

    I have liked Ragan for awhile now, and have grown to like Brit alot over the last few weeks. I'm still torn between those two for my vote for AC. I will vote however you decide. HUGS!

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  25. Hi Miss La La,
    Thank you for another wonderful BBB Year! You are the best! I voted for Ragan. I loved the way he talked to us through the feeds. He's a hoot!
    Sandy

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  26. I've already voted for Brit a few times, so she has my vote. That said, anyone except the Brigade is fine with me.

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  27. I'm voting for Britney. Best blog yet!

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  28. I think we all should vote for Brit for sure!! Thanks LaLa,, you have def. made this season tolerable. Can someone tell me who ass licker is?

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  29. Anon @ 7:59,

    Her name rhymes with Lichelle Foonan.

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  30. LOLOLOLOL! Priceless CoLa!
    On another front, and I'm not talking about Rachel's barely covered front, surely Brenden has got to see her for who she is! Her attack on Ragan just because she didn't like his answer to her question. And her zits haven't cleared. Give me strength. I would like to give Brendan the $ but just wouldn't because of her. I will give my vote to Ragan because he studied so hard. He also told Bit she would be next to go but she didn't hear him/listen to him. He had it figured out.

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  31. Screw these lame asses. Vote for me for America's Favorite. I need the cash; I ran out of vodka last night.

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  32. Love this blog LALA!!! This blog made the season that much more bearable to watch. I can't wait to read the Bitchy survivor blog!! When I do get some money, (I am a poor bitch too) I will be sure to send some your way!!

    I voted for Brit & Ragan. Either is fine with me.

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  33. I'm voting for Brendon because he played a really good game... and Britney and Ragan are mean girls!

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  34. I voted for Ragan -- for continuing to speak the truth even in jury house :). Britney is way too two-faced and junior high school mean girl to get my vote. She'll probably win because I don't trust the intelligence of America.

    I think the feeds were blocked Tuesday/Wednesday because BB didn't want us to see yet again how lame the brag-ade really are. Enzo - 19 min!??! And even Lane and Hayden only 2 or 3 hours?! Didn't past years' contestants last ALL night? And even though BB showed clips of the contestants saying how hard it was -- funny, none of them talked about being sore or it being hard when they all went early to bed last night -- and they complained about the ropes challenge for DAYS.

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  35. That comp was so lame-I think there were marshmallows behind those walls. Not a valid endurance by any means. I think Betty White would have stayed up longer! And Enzo eating in front of those boyz?!?! Does he really even want a chance at being picked?
    I voted for Brit. Considering the party those braggarts had at her expense "revealing the Brigade"; she's deserves it, after being tortured by them. Cold & delusional, thinking it would impress us at home. Not! Don't think for a moment that they told her to spare her. It was all for ego's sake. Doh-dohs for sure.
    And someone pls. rescue Enzo's dog before he gets hm. & kills it.

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