An Open Letter To Michele Noonan

Dear Michele,

How are those new boobs treating you? Great, great... good to hear.

Umm so pumpkin, the reason I'm writing is I understand that you went on a radio show last night and openly accused me of creating Twitter accounts impersonating you and other Houseguests. Not a smart move honey as it's not me. From what I understand, it's illegal to impersonate people online and accusing someone in a very public forum of illegal activity hurts you more than it hurts me. If this whole Twitter thing really bothers you (and I have a feeling you secretly love it), then I encourage you to file subpeona's to Twitter and get the IP numbers of your impersonators. You will quickly find that it's not me, never has been me, and never will be me.

Firstly, I have two Twitter accounts. @ColetteLala is my personal Twitter and @Mr_OShaugnessy is the Twitter of my fictional leprechaun. Both are Private. I have never created any other Twitter accounts and have no intention of doing so. Hasn't your impersonator also mocked Ronnie and Lydia? Not only do I like both Ronnie and Lydia, but I've spoken to both of them in the past. As I tend to protect the people I care for, impersonating them is clearly out of the question.

You also insinuated that I "hate" you and have nothing else better to do but to sit around and think of ways of making your life miserable. I hate to break it to you precious (no, I don't), but... lean in so you can hear this... I'm not the only person who dislikes you. When you consistently put yourself out there in the public eye, you better believe that public ridicule is bound to follow. The fact that you're so insistent that you're not seeking fame is, quite frankly, just offensive. Why would you start a youtube or dailybooth account if it's not attention you're seeking? Why get fake boobs, hair extensions, and the wardrobe of a 13 year old girl who's mad at her mom if it's not to be in the public eye? In all honesty, I'm half convinced you have the movie THIRTEEN playing on a constant loop on your new plasma screen TV.

It must be hard knowing that Jeff and Jordan are about to dominate the BB spotlight in the next few weeks. Is all of this your way of staying relevant? Hey, I don't even care for them, but their fan base pretty much crushes yours - not unlike Godzilla did Tokyo. If going on a radio show to "set the record straight", not take any phone calls, and wildly point fingers at innocent people is what you need to do to feel better about yourself, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're delusional enough to think that people care. I'm sorry you've mistaken a few thousand fans for complete and utter world dominance. I'm sorry you consistently laugh at your own unfunny jokes.

As far as my message board is concerned, my Members talk about any and all Houseguests who either intrigue them or continually make asses of themselves. It just so happens you've dominated the latter category these past few months. Out of curiosity, do you know Tila Tequila? It's a theory I'm working on and you could save me a lot of time by just answering me straight away, but I digress. As a matter of fact, you are a teeny tiny percentage of what goes on over at the Bitchy Network as you yourself should know since you tried to become a member. We have over 20 Member Groups that dish on everything from LOST and Project Runway to coupon clipping in a difficult economy.

I would, however, like to thank you for mentioning my sites on the air. That sort of publicity is priceless and I'd love to send you a fruit basket. Do you prefer all bananas or would you like me to throw in some pineapples too? Let me know.

In closing, as long as you keep posting videos, photos, and updates on your life people are going to comment on it. Not everyone will like you. Repeat that to yourself for the next hour. Not. Everyone. Will. Like. You. Might I suggest you get your head out of your ass (no matter how good it may feel to you) and grow a fucking backbone? Aren't you trying to become a tv host or something like that? Well, Sugartits, you've got a long ways to go and learning to take criticism should be your first lesson.

Yours affectionately,
Colette Lala

You're All Officially Invited!

Greetings Bitches! I hope everyone has had a lovely 2009 and is looking forward to a very prosperous 2010.

I'd like to officially invite everyone who enjoys my blogs (Bitchy Big Brother, Bitchy Survivor, and Bitchy Amazing Race) to a NEW Bitchy Network. It's a place for everyone to gossip about all their favorite reality stars and spread vicious rumors. All 3 of my blogs will continue as normal, the Bitchy Network is simply an annex for everyone to chat, catch up on their favorite gossip, and make fun of people.

Have you ever wondered about the Ass Licker post BB11? Well, she got extensions, a divorce, and a boob job. Scandal is surrounding this wannabe minx with her rumors of threesome's, a bitter husband with a penchant for angry tweets, and her new relationship with a BB10 participant. ALL the drama is at the Bitchy Network.

Did you know Lydia got her new BB tattoo? Check out the video and chime in with what you think.

Do you have a reality show that you're particularly passionate about and want a place to talk about it? I'm currently looking for Group Leaders to manage Groups dealing with Biggest Loser, American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, and The Bachelor. We've already got a Bad Girls Club Group and a True Blood Group is on it's way.

With Celebrity Big Brother 7 starting this Sunday, there's no doubt the Forum will be overflowing with new discussions.

I know a lot of my "regulars" have bonded and become close through my blogs/tweets and the Bitchy Network gives you guys the chance to chat with one another, lead discussions, form groups, create your own profiles, etc. It's all about fun. No holds barred. It won't be run like all the other BB Message Boards. You can say what you like and how you like it. Speculations are welcome and hating Jeff and Jordan is allowed... actually, it's kind of encouraged.

Speaking of Jeff and Jordan...

Just in case you haven't heard, Jeff and Jordan will be on the next season of The Amazing Race which goes to say that I'll definitely be covering it over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog.

I hope to see everyone there and have a happy and healthy New Years!

Ding Dong The Bitch Is Gone

Do you hear that? It's very faint, but it's there. It's beautiful. It's majestic. It's the sound of a Michele free BB house! The clouds have parted, a rainbow has shot across across the sky, Mr. O'Shaugnessy and his friends are busy putting out pots of gold, and the choir of angels are singing "Smooth Criminal". They're really into it this time. They're totally grabbing their crotches and shouting, "Shamon!". Awwww... Mr. O'Shaugnessy is doing the moonwalk! It's precious. He had a very busy night last night and he's all about celebrating today. My little man has a Twitter account now and the little bastard got over 20 followers faster than I ever did. While I'm not exactly thrilled he's tweeting Martha Stewart, it's nice to know he's so well liked. If you'd like to hear the innermost thoughts of an angry horny leprechaun you can follow him at @Mr_OShaugnessy (http://twitter.com/Mr_OShaugnessy).

OK so let's talk about that live show last night. Michele sucks. The end. Seriously though, she's so bloody awkward and those stupid devil horns were just moronic. She's not charismatic enough to pull off humor during a broadcast. While I know I said I wouldn't mind if she stayed simply to give me something to write about, I'm thrilled the bitch is gone. How funny was it when the Ragamuffin said Michele played a dirty game? AHAHAHA!!! My hypocradar was beeping loud and clear, but it was still funny as hell. The Ragamuffin has no shame and while I'm not surprised she insulted Michele in her goodbye message; I thought it was a bad move on her part. Kevin's goodbye message was good. He complimented Michele by saying how strong she was, but he was also honest when he said he didn't know whether or not he could trust her. It was classy, funny, and smart. If I were giving a goodbye speech to a juror, I'd do exactly what Kevin did not what Natalie did.

I actually liked that POV comp. How funny is the idiot music they always play for Jordan now? She truly is a moron. I don't want anyone anywhere ever telling me she's smart. I'll throw a rotten tomato in your face and kick you in your shins if you say that shit to me. Chili Cheese Fries Chelsea has already used up all of her brain power for the summer. She's got none left and what we're left with is a doughy sticky chocolatey blonde shell of a woman. Someone in the chats yesterday mentioned that she'll procreate eventually. I pray she marries a genius and those children are sent away to proper boarding schools. Those kids will need intensive expensive private tutoring - something offered by rigid Swiss nuns with a ruler or a switch in their hands.

Moving on... I'll be honest I didn't expect the HOH to go on very long at all, but those bitches surprised me and ended up going for almost 5 hours. The concept was simple: Stay on the log and don't let go of your key. Everyone was happy and smiley when it started and once again the Ragamuffin ran her mouth. The bitch would not shut up as she yammered on and on about the most inane things. She tells Kevin how Julie asked her about loyalty in her interview and you could tell Kevin just wanted her to shut up so he could focus and concentrate. Then Ragamuffin brings up how this endurance is much better than the Graduation Day one. She talks about how everyone was vomitting during the last comp and, I'll be honest, I had to mute her for a little bit.

Occasionally, leaves would start blowing and rain would start falling. I thought they'd slip on that log for sure, but they were all troopers and they kept on going. Jordan suggested they all sing 1000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall. Oh shut the fuck up Jordan! You've only been in the house for ohhhh I don't know... 9 weeks now and you're still not aware of the 'No Singing' rule? Fucking idiot. So yeah the feeds went down and BB had to yell at her. When the feeds came back Fried Rice Fanny announced she was hungry and began to talk about pizza.

Ragamuffin kept on running her mouth only this time she was talking about Jeff. She told Jordan how happy Michele must be now that she's going to have him all to herself. AHAHAHA!!! I'm sorry, but that's hysterical. It's funny because, in a way, she's 100% right, but, at the same time, she's fucking evil. Jordan kind of scoffs at her and Ragamuffin continues, "Michele was so jealous of you Jordan." Jordan calls her a little instigator and laughs. Ragamuffin says Michele will probably try to kiss Jeff now and I just sat back and laughed and laughed. Ragamuffin is on a roll at this point and she begins to talk about how Michele is lucky Julie didn't ask Ragamuffin to make a speech about the new nominee. Ragamuffin says she probably would have gone off on her, but she's not sure. Michele was kind of decent to her last night so maybe Ragamuffin wouldn't have humiliated her after all.



All of a sudden the log comes to a complete stop and they all almost fall. Up until this point it had been constantly moving. Kevin jokes, "Please tell me the bitch broke." LOL

The log wasn't broken at all. This time it started moving backwards. All the HG's were soaking wet at this point and their pants were all sagging - especially Jordan's. All of the chat hags began screaming for Jordan to pull her pants up... like she can hear them. Then a cheerleader faction emerged and they kept typing "Go Jordan!" over and over again. Typically, I find cheerleaders entertaining (come on, you know you love the ESPN competitions too), but a bunch of menopausal women popping correctol and estrogen cheering Jordan on to a win is just annoying.






Ragamuffin started flapping her gums again saying, "This is a Russell competition right here... and Jeff. This is a Russell and Jeff." Jordan chimes in and says that if Russell and Jeff were there she'd just quit. Well, that's annoying isn't it? It kind of turned me off of Jordan even more. Up until now I'd been impressed with her determination in this HOH comp, but it bugs me to no end how she says if anyone strong was around, she wouldn't even bother trying.




After that Natalie began sneezing constantly. It must have been contagious because Kevin started sneezing shortly thereafter.

Ragamuffin's hands began to bother her and she kept shaking them out trying to get the blood circulating.




Then the fun really began. Sleet and snow began blowing right into their faces! Ragmuffin says, "This is easier than Graduation Day!" and Mr. O'Shaugnessy punched himself in the face. He REALLY can't stand her and last night she was particularly annoying.






After the sleet and snow, the lightening kicked in. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get that screenshot? How beautiful is that? It was timed perfectly. The lightening was super bright and the HG's had to close their eyes. I would love to be the person running the effects button during this comp. I'd be blinding them constanly, blowing snow and hail in their faces, and making the log go super fast just to see what happened. Someone may die, but who cares? It's all in good fun.





Someone must have been reading my mind because the log started to spin faster. It would go forward, stop quick, go back, stop quick... forward, back, forward, back, stop, go, back, forward. It was really cool actually to watch their feet. Ragamuffin was literally hopping and skipping every time the log would go backwards fast. I totally thought BB wanted someone to fall before BBAD started, but no dice. Those bitches kept hanging on.




Ragmuffin tried to psych everyone out by telling them they might as well fall because she'll be up there all night. Kevin told her he'll be there until the sun came up. He even had a protein bar in his pocket. He ate half and said he'll save the other half for breakfast. They remained on the logs without incident for another 90 minutes. Then it happened... the log started without warning...












Jordan became the first casualty. The fall didn't hurt her at all and Ragamuffin advised her to get some towels. Thanks Einstein. Ragamuffin tried really hard not to burst into a huge smile and Kevin says, "It's down to you and me now wench!" Jordan headed inside and Kevin says, "There better not be pizza up in that bitch."







Jordan goes inside and Ragamuffin and Kevin begin to talk. Ragamuffin says she'll wait 5 more minutes if Kevin swears on his life he'll take her to Final 2. He tells her if he wanted to get rid of her he would have kept Michele. Ragamuffin says, "Alright. 5 minutes." Then she says tomorrow is a crap shoot and Jordan could win it. Kevin says, "Bitch can't win anything!" Again, Kevin swears on everything including his man. Ragamuffin says she'll wait 15 minutes. Kevin tells her to make it 10 because his testicles have shrivelled up into his abdomen. Ragamuffin keeps whining, "If you burn me dude.... this is mine to win... who knows what tomorrow will be... I trust you... this is proving to you my loyalty... blah blah blah." Kevin says, "Bitch don't make me go over there and karate chop you!" They agree Ragmuffin needs to fall before Jordan comes back out.








The snow starts up again and, for some reason, the feeds go down. They come back and it's lightening and raining with both HG's still holding on. Eventually, it all dies down and the log stops. Jordan goes back inside and Ragamuffin turns to Kevin and says, "Final 2?" He says yes and she jumps down. I'm a little stunned she kept her word. I'm not sure how to deal with an honest Ragamuffin.





Kevin gingerly walks off the log and Ragamuffin keeps yelling, "Just jump off! Don't be a pansy!" He gets down and they embrace in victory. The night ends with showers and food.

So there you have it. Kevin won Part 1. Today we'll have Part 2 and tomorrow will be Part 3 during the live show.

A good friend of the blog, Grimace, has asked me to ask all of you good people to vote for him in a little contest he's involved in. Click on this link http://www.tardies09.weebly.com/ and type the name 'Grimace' at the bottom. He's told me to tell you all "A vote for Grimace is a vote for Leprechaun induced orgasms EVERYWHERE." How can you deny him victory?

The Diary Room Rapes Kevin

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. Wanna know why? I had a dream last night where I made Michele cry. HAHA! It was beautiful. I had won tickets to an indoor baseball game (I hate baseball btw) and I was with all these women who smoked and dressed really bad. Basically, it was like the cast of My Antonio. So we're there at the baseball game and I went to find a bar. Typical. I talked to the bartender and managed to get our tickets upgraded to VIP seats at a Bon Jovi concert (don't ask me why... haven't seen them in ages... haven't listened to them in years). Obviously, the ladies were pleased and we went to our hotel rooms to get ready for the concert. I left the ladies because, quite frankly, they were annoying and I hated them all. Instead, I snuck backstage and started talking/flirting with Richie Sambora (ewww I find him repulsive, Jon is much cuter). As you can imagine, the other ladies were jealous beyond belief so they went to find their seats without me. By the time I got back to hotel room everyone was gone and the place was trashed. I fixed my hair, touched up my lipstick, and went down to the concert venue. Those bitches had stolen my ticket so I couldn't get in. I pretended I was part of a large group of kids and I snuck in with them. When I got to the VIP seats this bitch with dishwater reddish hair was trying to sell my ticket. I grabbed her by the shoulder, spun her around, and discovered it was Michele. I started to yell at her and she started stuttering and stammering. I screamed, "You thought you could sell my fucking ticket behind my back?!? Who the hell do you think you are?!?" She started to cry and begged me to forgive her. I snatched my ticket out of her hand and she really started to weep saying she didn't mean to do it and that she was sorry. I got a security guards attention and he came over and took the psycho bitch away. Yay! Lala saves the day and there is one less neurotic bitch at the Bon Jovi concert. I win. OK psychology students... analyze that one.

Let me tell ya, my dream was way more exciting than the stinky house was. The HG's literally slept all day long. They woke up to eat a carbalicious meal and then Jordan, doing the Bizarro World Atkins Diet, went to bed to lie down and let all those carbs afix themselves to her ever growing ass.

Earlier in the afternoon the HG's were told about tonight's Live Eviction. They were ALL instructed to pack (even Kevin) and I managed to get another freaky screenshot of Sybil... er I mean Michele. It hasn't been photoshopped at all, but it features 2 Michele's packing. One is ghost like and the other is pixellated beyond recognition. The word SHALLOW is prophetically prominent.

Ok so this brings me to a funny little anecdote. Some chat hags were discussing how sad it is to see Michele pack. Fooey! It's not sad, it's funny. Someone actually said that Michele exhibited grace and class throughout her BB experience. Come again. GRACE and CLASS? Since when is it graceful to eat your food with your mouth open while you smack your lips and swallow loud enough for people in the next room to hear you? How classy is it to announce how you like to shove things up your ass while having a penchant for licking other people's rectums? Grace and class are Jackie Kennedy, Grace Kelly, Ava Gardner, Gil Harbord (Tell me who Gil Harbord is in the comments and you're a winner!). Michele "Ass Licker" Noonan is the farthest thing EVER from anything graceful or classy. I'll say that Michele has played this game nicer and kinder than some others, but no way in hell has she played it with grace and class. To say that is just stupid. Once again I'm reminded of a Seinfeld episode. Here's a little quiz today for all my readers: Which Seinfeld episode does the "grace and class" remark remind me of? Post your guesses in the comments.

What prompted the grace and class remark I think was the fact that Michele was looking for her gloves. You know the ones... the ones the Ragamuffin took and hid away from her. Personally, I think it's funny. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is always hiding my keys and money. He never wants me to leave him so he hides my car keys any chance he gets. The only problem is he always hides them in the same place... down his pants. Ba dum bum! He's so precious. So yeah Michele can't find her gloves and I think it's funny. Ragamuffin is indeed repulsive and getting on my last nerve, but she's entertaining and she gives me something to write about so I'll thank her for the material and go about my business. If Michele was smart she would have squished Kevin and Natalie's Play Doh calendar into one big ball when she had the chance. That's what I would have done.

Literally, zero happened yesterday, but last night we had one juicy convo in the HOH. Ragmuffin and Kevin are discussing taking Michele out and it gets a little heated. It began simply enough. Kevin was filling Ragmuffin in on a discussion he had earlier with Jordan and Michele. Jordan told Kevin that if he wanted her to drop in Part 1 in the HOH competition all he has to do is wink at her. Wow. Kevin totally lucked out. He laughed retelling this to Ragamuffin saying he didn't even have to ask Jordan to do anything like that. She just came right out and offered. Ragamuffin says, "Perfect!" and Kevin says, "I know. Mission Accomplished." The only caveat is that Ragamuffin has to fall first. If the Ragamuffin falls, then Jordan will too. Ragamuffin tells Kevin, "I'm not falling before her because I don't trust her."

Kevin goes on to tell Ragamuffin how Jordan told him she's just going along with Natalie making her feel like they're a team so that, in the end, Natalie may feel some sympathy for Jordan. The look on Ragamuffin's face was not one of joy. It was one of a mild realization that, in a way, she got got. Remember how Natalie and Jordan have a Final 2 deal. I'm thinking Ragamuffin does not like hearing that Jordan may have been playing her. Kevin tells Ragamuffin how Jordan said she's been nice to Natalie so she'll hopefully fall before Jordan in the HOH. As funny as this is, I'm kind of pisssed that Kevin is telling this to Ragamuffin. The only reasoning I can see behind this is if Kevin is deliberately trying to drive a wedge in between Natalie and Jordan. If he's doing that, then I can forgive him. I'll always give Kevin the benefit of the doubt.

Kevin continues to tell Ragamuffin how Jordan's plan all along was to go to Final 2 with Michele. She wanted Michele to stay so that they could take Natalie out together. Jordan never wanted to go to Final 2 with Natalie because Natalie would beat her in the end. Jordan apparently ended the conversation telling Kevin she wanted a Final 2 with him because she's feels like it would be 50/50 in the jury vote. At that point in Kevin's convo with Jordan Michele came in and told Kevin that if he got Natalie out she'd only have 2 days to wreak havoc on the Jury House. Kevin corrected her telling her that she would have 5 days, not 2. Ragamuffin is listening to all of this and she's getting pissed. I can tell. The wheels in her brain were starting to steam and work overtime. Jordan and Michele were trying to convince Kevin that he couldn't win against Natalie. Michele said that she knows she can only win 2nd place and that, at this point, she wants to play for the $50,000.

Ragamuffin asks Kevin again about Jordan. Kevin says the DR pretty much raped him and told him to keep Michele this week. Wha... wha... what?!? Then we got fish. I knew it. I fucking knew they wanted Michele to win. Look, I don't particularly want the Ragamuffin to win either but Big Brother should NOT be interfering like that. It's completely unfair and manipulative and it's really pissing me off. The feeds come back and he's telling Ragamuffin that if he keeps Jordan he has a chance o win $50,000, but if he keeps Michele he actually has a chance at winning the $500,000. Ragamuffin says, "If Michele stays, I'm not throwing HOH to you. I'm not. I've done these competitions before and I won't lose." What the fuck is she talking about? They've had 2 endurance comps and she completely fucked them up and LOST. She then tells Kevin, "If you screw me you lose me as a friend and you definitely won't have my jury vote." Kevin says, "Right." Ragamuffin adds, "And you won't have Jessie's vote." Oh who the fuck is she kidding? Jessie may be a total douche bag, but he's not going to let Natalie tell him how to vote. We've already seen how Jessie plans to vote purely on the best game play. He's been getting the poontang from Lydia all this time. Natalie has zero power over him anymore. I firmly believe that.

Kevin tries to tell Ragamuffin more of what the DR told him and we get fish again. Dammit! BB really doesn't want us to hear how they're totally manipulating this game. Feeds come back and Ragmuffin is all heated going over how the votes will go depending on who Kevin keeps. She tells him that if he keeps Michele she'll get Natalie's vote, Jeff's vote, Jordan's vote, and Jessie's vote GUARANTEED. She'll have 4 votes guaranteed. She lays it out for if he takes Jordan too. If he takes Jordan, she'll also have 4 votes. Basically, she's threatening Kevin saying that if he doen't take her to Final 2 she'll never vote for him and she'll get Jessie to not for him too. Here's my problem with this... it's completely PERSONAL! The 2 biggest meatheads on the planet (Russ and Jessie) aren't even planning on voting personal. The Ragamuffin, on the other hand, holds grudges. I really wonder if she'd vote to give Michele $500,000 though. I mean, she loathes Michele. Would she really vote to give her half a million out of spite or are these simply threats so Kevin will keep her? Ragamuffin tells Kevin, "With ME you have a 50/50 shot." She says, "The best shot we have is against each other... and PRODUCTION needs to stay out of it." Then we immediately get fish. LOL

When the feeds come back Ragamuffin has an evil look on her face. I'm scared. Kevin says, "I'm not supposed to lose sleep. Those bitches are supposed to lose sleep." Ragamuffin says, "Why are you losing sleep? I didn't lose sleep over Jeff!" Kevin says the DR fucked with his head and he doesn't know what to think now. He wonders if he's being stupid by evicting Michele. Ragamuffin says half jokingly, "Keep Michele and watch what I do!" Kevin laughs and sighs. He says, "Do they fuck with everybody as much..." Then we get fish. WTF! Feeds come back and Ragamuffin says, "Kevin, it pisses me off that you're even considering the thought though. The fact that you're even considering it means that it's ok for you to betray me." Kevin says, "No no no no, time out." Ragamuffin won't shut up. She says how she never even considered it. She never even considered keeping Jeff no matter what the DR told her. Then guess what happens. Yup. We get fish.

Feeds come back for maybe 5 seconds and Ragamuffin is still yelling at Kevin. Kevin is saying, "Wait a minute... whoa whoa whoa. I said they're [the DR] making me consider it." Grrrr... fish again. Feeds come back and Kevin is telling her how he's had many times to get rid of her and he never has. Ragamuffin, not to be outdone, says she's saved him too. She says, "I could have never gotten this far without you and you could have never gotten this far without me." Kevin asks, "Then why are you tripping? Why are you tripping?" They hoot and holler a little bit more saying the same shit over and over again and Kevin wonders if Memphis and Dan went through this too. Ragamuffin continues, "I mean, this is bullshit... I swear if you keep her..." Kevin laughs and says, "You're going crazy. Seriously, stop! I just got raped in a DR session. I need some support." Ragamuffin says, "I'm gonna rape you!" Then, yes, fish.

Feeds come back to Kevin saying, "Nothing's changing. Stop tripping." Ragamuffin says, "Bitch is going home tomorrow." Kevin says, "Michele will be going home tomorrow and Operation Delete The Middle Row will be a success." Kevin asks her if she's entertaining thoughts the DR are giving her and she says, "No! I shut them down immediately!" Fish. Feeds come back to Ragamuffin saying how vengeful she is. She wants Kevin to go wake up Michele right now and tell her he's made a decision. He says he'll do it in the morning. He'll ask Jordan if she's ready for Final 2 status meaning that she needs to be ready to throw the HOH tomorrow if he needs her to. Ragamuffin licks her paws and says, "Now that it's crunch time you all will see why I got chosen as an athlete. I'm serious!" Kevin says nothing and chuckles to himself. Ragamuffin continues, "I will knock somebody out. I will cut a bitch. I will bite a ear off." Kevin just giggles and puts his head down into one of his fabulous scarves. He says, "See? That's what scares me! I'm on your team and you're talking like that." Ragamuffin tells him he'll have no problems as long as he doesn't keep Michele.

Convo turns to HOH comp and Kevin wants to be sure that Ragamuffin will fall if Jordan falls. Ragamuffin says that she's gonna hold on for a little bit more and Kevin wants her to promise him that she'll fall. She said she'll give Kevin the competition but she wants it to be realistic so she won't fall immediately. Kevin says he'll give her a warning by saying, "Natalie girl, I have one minute left." Then they argue some more about who should throw which part of the HOH. They're both just getting paranoid pre HOH jitters. Ragamuffin claims she knows she can win the endurance. No one can beat her if she wants to win. LOL "Me throwing endurance is HUGE!"

The paranoia continues and they keep talking in circles. Here's what I want to happen. I want Ragmuffin to fall first, Kevin to win endurance. I'd like Jordan to win Part 2 just to piss off the Ragamuffin. Then I want Kevin to win Part 3. That way the end would be a nail biter and Kevin would have a tough decision to make.

I totally made a mistake yesterday when I mentioned the contest. The Big Bitchy Contest is still going on until today at 5 PM EST. Finalists will be announced tomorrow.

Tonight is going to be a great CBS show. I will be tweeting updates throughout the endurance HOH. I hope it's a long one. Have a great day everyone!

Where's The Lust?

Now I'm not an overly sappy romantic kind of gal. I loathe couples who dress alike especially if it's in head to toe denim. Flowers delivered don't get my panties in a twist. And phrases like "make love" seem ridiculous to me. On the other hand, I love movies like Gone With The Wind, Something's Gotta Give, 9 1/2 Weeks, Practical Magic, The Libertine, etc. all for the romance. I realize 9 1/2 Weeks and The Libertine (one of my favorite movies) aren't technically "romantic" films, but there was some hot unbridled sexy lust going on and that's pretty effing romantic in my twisted little world. I mean, come on, when Lizzie Barry is covering her eyes when the Lord Rochester is working her over because she doesn't want him to see how much pleasure he giving her. Now, that's hot. Johnny Depp giving anyone sexy time is hot, but I digress. While I'm not googly eyes romantic I can appreciate a good sexy moment. Yes, that's the point I'm trying to make here. What transpired last night on the Big Brother program had to be the most unromantic marriage proposal in the history of marriage proposals. Let's discuss.

As it turns out the Ragamuffin was telling the truth after all. I had a feeling she was. The Jessie conspiracy theories were getting too outta control. I swore I'd never make fun of an HG's family members or friends so I'll just say this, Ragamuffin's boyfriend seemed nervous, uncomfortable, and completely void of emotion that I have to wonder if CBS didn't push for that proposal. I mean, he dropped to his knee immediately. There was zero build up, zero anticipation, and zero pay off. Ragamuffin said, "Are you serious?" and then made him get up. Poor guy had no idea she was saying yes and had to ask her for clarification. It was yucky to watch - even from my giant martini glass filled with glitter. I had to make Mr. O'Shaugnessy go sit in the corner for a while by himself because I was so completely turned off. Speaking of Mr. O'Shaugnessy, he didn't care for that little person dressed as a cat at all. He began spitting at the tv screen and screaming Celtic curses. Oh and that episode of Charmed where Rose McGowan befriends a leprechaun... forget about it. My Baccarat crystal ends up smashed on the floor and all the strings on my thongs get snipped off. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is one very jealous leprechaun.

Another thing to discuss about that show last night is Kevin. I heart him so much for not falling for the Ragamuffin's bullshit. I'm extremely pleased to see that he really doesn't care for her. He's consistently giving me good DR and I'm wearing a long fair isle fringed number in his honor today. Oh before I forget, Michele's poses during that Luxury Comp made me want to douse myself in holy water and start speaking in tongues. I hate her. I loathe her. I highly disdain her.(Hi Cole!) Having said that, I'm still undecided as to whether or not she should go this week. More on that later.

So anyways the house yesterday was soooooo slow. After all the eating and sleeping was done, there wasn't much time for anything else. Yesterday afternoon Jordan was going through all her clothes and she decided to declutter a little bit. Hot Fudge Bertha can't fit into many of her clothes anymore so she decided to give them to Michele. I was forced to watch Michele giggle and pose as she tried on Jordan's throwaways. This time I decided to puncture a kidney with my hot poker. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It felt warm and almost calm. Anyhow, Jordan is giving Michele all her clothes and the chat hags decided Jordan was ready for sainthood. "She's so selfless!", "She has such a good heart.", "Jordan is so sweet!" Oh give me a fucking break. Who hasn't done a little deluttering and given away a bunch of crap they no longer want. If shit doesn't fit you anymore or it's gone out of style, you get rid of it. Furthermore, I'll go as far as to say that maybe Jordan was sucking up to Michele to get her vote in the Final 2. If you're gonna kiss some ass in Big Brother, now's the time to do it. Oh and after Michele tried on all the new clothes, she went right back to wearing her stinky pit stained ugly green shirt she wears everyday. Vomit.

Then Jordan and Michele went out in the BY and played with those question card things again. You remember the ones. They have thought provoking questions on them and it's supposed to be fun. Well, I knew Jordan and Michele wouldn't be entertaining so I pitched to the chat room that we answer the questions that were being asked as well. It was interesting. I think I was the only one who thought art was more important than science. Most everyone would want to travel more before they die. Sex was a very popular answer to the question of what's most important in a marriage. We all look for loyalty when it comes to friendships and just about everyone would throw a huge party on a yacht or a beach if they had the means. The Renaissance came up as a time period someone would want to travel back to. I said 1920's Paris. I mean , come on... salons, Gertrude Stein, Hemmingway, Ezra Pound, Picasso, Matisse, F. Scott Fitzgerald... angst and expression all rolled up in a divine pretentious package. Fabulous.

When the game first started Jordan answered almost every question with a food product. I'm so not kidding. Any question where sex was a possible answer Michele would refuse to answer. NOW she's afraid of hurting her husband by talking about sex. She was never afraid before, but NOW it makes her uncomfortable. I'm gonna bet $100 that Michele and her hubby are swingers. Something about her just gives me that swinger vibe and, after seeing her husband, I'll bet he's game too. Eventually Kevin wakes up and wanders into the backyard to join the girls. They play for a little longer and then end it when Jordan decides she hasn't had her 5000 calorie intake for the day.

Kevin and Michele move to the hammock and they begin to talk game. The topic of conversation is the Ragamuffin. Kevin is appearing to Michele like he's seriously considering keeping her so they can go after Natalie together. After seeing last night's CBS show I think he might be serious. He really doesn't trust her anymore. Kevin thinks he can't win against Natalie in the Final 2 and that with Michele he has a better chance. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I really want the Ass Licker gone, but I also really want Kevin to win. I think Natalie would 100% turn on Kevin if she won the Final HOH. She'd take Jordan with her to the end over Kevin. As long as Kevin wins BB11 I don't care who he takes with him to the end. Yes, that includes Michele. I suppose I could let her stay around for another week as long as Kevin wins in the end. I could make fun of her some more and that always makes me feel good.

The Ragamuffin awakes from her hibernation, shuffles outside, and demands Kevin go over to her to play pool. He goes, even though you can tell he didn't want to, and Ragamuffin begins pushing him for info. Kevin tells her what he talked about with Michele and how Michele told him that if she goes home this week he won't have her vote in the Final 2. She also tells Natalie that Michele told him how Natalie was after him. Ragamuffin digs her claws in the pool table and says, "How would Michele know what I think? I never talk to her." It's clear Ragamuffin is getting defensive and Kevin just continues to tell her what she wants to hear. I can't tell if he's lying to her or just appeasing her. He's very internal and I never really know his true feelings until I see his DR's.

Later, Kevin spends some time alone thinking in the BY and I'm dying to hear his inner monologue. While I hope it was, "I can't trust that biznatch Natalie. I might have to cut a bitch." I can't help but wonder if it was simply, "Will that new yellow scarf go with my aqua pedal pushers?" I guess we'll find out tomorrow night what he's up to.

Ragamuffin eventually goes outside and she's really pushing for them to drive a wedge in between Jordan and Michele. Kevin begins to wonder what's the point and Natalie says that Michele will teach Jordan all the dates and important events for the final memory competition. The conversation turns to all things Satanic and by that, I mean, Michele. Ragamuffin says how she's the devil and how she can't believe she's trying to make a deal with Kevin. Ragamuffin keeps telling Kevin how Michele talked about getting him out as soon as possible and Ragamuffin assures him that he can't trust anything Michele says. Kevin tells her he knows what Michele is up to and that he's simply trying to figure out how to get a jury vote out of her.

Then they go over their plans for the Final HOH competition. The plan is to take Jordan to Final 3. Kevin will win the endurance part. Natalie has agreed to throw it to him so he only has to beat Jordan. Kevin is now worried that Jordan will beat Natalie in Part 2. Natalie scoffs and bares her fangs. No way in hell would Jordan beat her! She's going to play like her life depends on it. She'll blow Jordan out of the water. Blah blah blah. You can tell Kevin totally wants to roll his eyes. He tells Ragamuffin that Jordan has beat her or almost beat her in every comp so far. Ragamuffin begins to drool and scratch behind her ears claiming that she didn't really "try" and that she'll blow Jordan away in anything mental.

Later in the evening Kevin, Ragmuffin, and Jelly Bean Jane are sitting around the hot tub. Kevin gets up and goes inside. Immediately, Jordan begins fretting over whether or not Kevin will keep her. She thinks he's leaning towards keeping Michele and Ragmuffin tells her that Kevin will do whatever she says. She advises Jordan to tell Kevin that he can beat Jordan in the Final 2 even though their (Natalie and Jordan) plan is to go to the Final 2 together. Then the Ragamuffin, perhaps rejuventated by the full moon, says something even I thought she'd never say. She tells Jordan she'll throw the HOH endurance comp, but that Jordan has to win it. She tells Jordan she can totally beat Kevin in the second part and that Jordan needs to win the first part. *throws hands up in the air* OK I have NO idea what Natalie is doing. I'm under her spell again. Is she lying to Kevin or is she lying to Jordan? I have no fucking clue.

That's about it for yesterday. Pretty slow day. It will continue to be slow from here on out. The next BIG thing to look forward to is Part 1 of the HOH. It's usually pretty good. Let's just hope it's nothing like the one in BB9. That was horrible. I think it was over before the feeds came back up. BB8 was the greatest of course. That shit lasted hours and hours and hours and we saw it all. I'm kind of hoping for something like that this time around. Something tells me we won't be getting anything anywhere near that if it's too physically challenging.

Tomorrow is your last chance to enter the Big Bitchy Contest so make sure to get your entries in by 5:00 PM EST Tuesday. Go ahead and post them in yesterdays contest blog. I'll be going over them tomorrow and should have the finalists announced by tomorrow evening. You'll be able to vote for your favorites and I'll let you guys pick the winner so it's totally fair. Have a great Labor Day everyone!

Oh Happy Day!

Good morning BB fans! Have you ever seen such a lovely morning? The flowers are blooming (not really), the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bitches doing construction on a house a few doors down finally took the morning off, and once again I have hope that disease will be eviscerated and peace will take over the land. I had a good day yesterday. Let's go ahead and call it a great day. My leprechaun is back to normal and he spent all night making sweet sweet love to me. I had to celebrate after that 2 hour phone conversation I had last night with a former HG where I found out the juiciest of the juiciest details of the inner workings of all things BB. I think I might have to go around calling myself an "official" BB insider at this point. Yes, as a matter of fact I think I will. I'm official. I'll be walking with my head a little higher and my pants a little tighter today. Never hurts to show some ass when you're feeling powerful. More importantly, yesterdays house happenings was the stuff dreams are made of. Let's recap, shall we?

You might be asking yourselves, why is this man so happy? Well, he's happy because he won POV bitches! Mr. O'Shaugnessy, my opium please. The most important POV competition of the season took place yesterday and it had something to do with stacking things that were related to past POV comps. From what I can gather, Jordan had a miserable time and couldn't even remember that Russell went on the block as a replacement. Fucking idiot. She can't remember the biggest/dumbest move she made with Jeffy Pooh? Let's just send her home with a some lovely parting gifts of miles of linked sausages and call it a day. She's beyond insufferable at this point. Ragamuffin was indeed telling the truth and she was not able to play at all. That leaves Ass Licker and Divine Scarfed One. I have no idea if it was a close competition and I don't really care. Fabulicious is safe and that's all that matters.

Apparently, during the competition there were some technical issues and the game had to be paused. Kevin was quoted as saying those pauses helped him because it gave him time to think. Wouldn't you know it? All the Twitter idiots freaked out demanding a "do over" and saying that Kevin cheated. You fucking morons. The game was paused. He was able to think. Don't you think that also gave Jordan and Michele time to think too? I'm so sick of these conspiracy theorists flapping their gums about complete and utter nonsense simply because the game isn't going the way they planned. In addition to everyone calling Kevin a cheater, they also went into another round of mourning for Jeff. This is where I just sat back and sharpened my throwing knives. People were actually tweeting Jeff quotes as some sort of desperate menopausal "in memoriam" bullshit. I think I went and watched another episode of Gossip Girl to clear my head. I'm on Season 2 now and it's quite possibly one of the best shows ever. It's teaching me to be even more evil and more conniving. I love it.

As you can imagine after the game the Ragamuffin was overflowing with happiness. She smiled and gloated and then demanded that Kevin admit that her insisting they study paid off. Ragamuffin is on this new kick where she goes around demanding validation. The other night she wanted to be labeled the Queen Prankster. Last night she tried to get Kevin to tell her she was the be all and end all of all things BB. Kevin may be aligned with her, but don't for one second think that he's giving into her bullshit. He's smart enough to know how to tell people what they want to hear. It's like with that Jessie crying thing... he knew his alliance was acting like a bunch of fucking morons, but he kept his mouth shit and waited to unleash on them in the safety of the DR. He's doing the same thing here with Ragamuffin. He'll let her think she's queen of the world, but really he's just rolling his eyes the whole time.

Ragmuffin really wanted Kevin to admit that the calendar was all her idea and how helpful it really was and Twitter went ahead and called foul yet again. All the tweets were claiming that making a calendar is cheating and they should be kicked out of the game blah blah blah. Someone from every season had made some sort of calendar to help them study. Zach used the chess board. I think Daniele used M&M's. Natalie (BB9) used nail polish. Michele used her birth control pills and Kevin and Ragmuffin used Play Doh. It's not cheating. It's inventive. Get over it.

The two retreated to the HOH and celebrated that they're now in the Final 3 and Jeff/Jordan fans died a little inside. Kevin says he fell down crying after his victory. So did Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Mr. O'Shaugnessy has been a Kevin fan from the very beginning. When he's not tickling my no-no, he knits beautiful cashmere scarves in Kevin's honor. He's quite the talented knitter by the way. I've picked up a little knitting myself over the past few years. A girl can never have enough pairs of fingerless gloves you know. I think they're dead sexy and they keep my hands warm when I'm shooting (bears) outdoors in the winter. Mr. O'Shaugnessy, on the other hand, loves to knit his Kevin scarves and beanie hats with ear flaps. His little pointy ears are very sensitive to the wind and he needs to keep them protected. Oh my god. What the fuck am I talking about? Your girl Lala is a rambling fool this morning. Anyhow, Kevin still thinks Pandora's Box isn't over yet and he asked the Ragamufifn if she had a mystery power she's not telling him about. Kevin says, "Swear on your engagement you don't have the mystery power." Ragamuffin replies, "I swear." Not long thereafter Ragamuffin does something completely predictable and claims, "I would have won that Kevin. You know I would have won that."

Meanwhile downstairs Jordan is whining about being an awful player. She talks about how she can't win anything and how Jeff had to give her HOH and I ordered out for Thai food or something. It's about time Jordan realized she sucked. I've said from Day 1 that she did not belong in this house. It's disgusting she's made it this far. It's even more disgusting she'll be going to the Final 3. If she makes it to the Final 2, I'll be very angry. She's quite possibly the most undeserving BB player ever. I don't care that she hasn't won anything in the house. I care that she rode Jeff's coat tails and didn't think of one single strategy move on her own. She tanned, ate, said dumb stuff, and rubbed Jeff. Jeff was the mastermind behind her getting this far. I may not have liked Jeff, but he's much more deserving of some prize money than Jordan ever will be.

Michele in the meantime knows she's in trouble, but unfortunately she can't really vent about it. She's too busy placating Jordan. Damn you Jordan! I really really really wanted another Michele breakdown and I didn't get it. When Michele cries all of my fairies come out and flutter about dropping shiny sparkles in my hair. I get naked and dance around while a Satyr plays the pipes and Mr. O'Shaugnessy plays the bongos. I like to be surrounded by music as much as possible... especially the sweet sounds of 'Greensleeves' done with a Reggae backbeat.

Back in the HOH Kevin is insisting that the POV was totally set up for Michele to win. I agree. Maybe now that she lost BB will stop interfering in everything and let the fucking game play itself already. The two manipulators vow to give Michele a false sense of security and I poured myself a another glass of my bathtub gin. Kevin isn't going to tell Michele what he's going to do. He's still mad at her for a move she made way early in the game so he's not doing the bitch any favors at this point. He blames Michele for Jessie hating him and my memory is shot so I can't even remember if he's right or not. Since I like him and I hate Michele I'm going to assume he's right and enjoy Michele's uncertainty about her place in the game. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking I might have a throw a huge party for when the Ass Licker goes home. I'll get big pink balloons that look like inflatable asses and when she leaves the building we'll all pop them with razor sharp dildos. Who's in?

Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to discuss the upcoming endurance comp and Kevin claims that there's no way in hell he's falling before Jordan. Here's how the convo went.

Kevin, “There’s no way I’m falling before Jordan.”
Natalie, “I’m an athlete. This is what I do.”
Kevin, “We need to knock out Jordan as soon as possible.”
He says she could get lucky and win at a true/false thing in the final part of the HOH.
Kevin “We can’t let Jordan get to phase 3.”
Kevin goes on, “I’m gonna bleed, I will shit on myself, I will piss on myself, I will eat bugs. We are talking about half a million dollars. I’ll do what I need to do.”
They compare themselves to Dan and Memphis and Natalie thinks Michele is going to be all over Kevin up until the veto cermony. She asks, "Should I cock block?"
Kevin replies, “Yeah. I’m not gonna give her a definitive answer though.”
Kevin says, “I’m not going to give her any opportunity to talk to me alone. She’ll have to struggle to talk to me. She's gonna have diarrhea and no sleep. Sorry." LMAO Phrases like that warm my heart.

They go on to discuss how Ragmuffin's boyfriend told her how hated she is on all the blogs and Ragamuffin worries about what kind of edit she's getting Oh Ragamuffin... no edit needed my precious. You're naturally vile and evil.

Later Michele is in the BY trying to convince Kevin that Natalie threw him under the bus and said she wanted him out of the game. Kevin nods and says it's completely understandable. It is a game they're playing after all. Michele doesn't quite know how to respond to that and she eats her entire face. Kevin jokes that he'll dress up as a Queen for the POV cermony and rub it in Natalie's face. He's still trying to make Michele believe that he doesn't have a Final 2 with the Ragamuffin. He hints at keeping Michele and openly questions the authenticity of Natalie's engagement. Michele is trying to convince him to keep her to the end because Natalie in the jury house is most certainly a vote for Kevin and not a vote for Michele. She's right, but I hate her so I still want her gone.

Natalie goes outside and they talk about finally doing their fashion show. Michele gets up and goes inside and Natalie tells Kevin that Jordan told her that she wants Michele out and that she wouldn't vote for Kevin to win. Jordan is actually convinced that Kevin and Michele have a Final 2 deal. LMAO I'm laughing so hard because Natalie even begins to suspect it. Way to go Jordan. I have to give props to anyone who makes the Ragamuffin uneasy. Ragamuffin again tells Kevin to stop bringing up Pandora's Box and then she launches into a big thing where she wants Kevin to tell her that she was responsible for getting them this far. She's completely paranoid as to whether or not Kevin is loyal. Kevin assures her that he had many chances to get rid of Natalie but he never did. Ragmuffin doesn't care. She wants Kevin to admit that the LML (Last Minute Lie) was her idea and she carried it out and she should get all the credit. Is she working on her arguments as to why she should win this game? I'm thinking in the answer/question portion of the finale she wants to paint herself as this great mastermind. Sure, she invented the lies, but she would never have been able to carry them out without Kevin's gift of persuasion. Kevin was equally, if not more, important to the success of the LML.

What was happening in the BY was 2 people simulataneously becoming very aware that they are both genius liars and probably unable to completely ever trust each other. It got tense for a little bit especially when Natalie was telling Kevin to stop asking her about Pandora's Box. Could this mean that there's more to it than she's revealing? I heard an interesting rumor last night about it that I'm not really allowed to say anything about, but Natalie could indeed have many secrets. Kevin keeps telling Natalie that she's tripping over nothing and Natalie starts to rehearse her POV speech to Jordan. I didn't bother jotting it down because, quite frankly, I'm sick of Natalie's speech rehearsing at this point.

Oh dear... I just became very nauseous. Shit. If I'm pregnant with a drunken leprechaun I'm gonna be really pissed. Seriously bitches... I'm not feeling very well so I'm going to have this wrap this up quick.

The night ended with the fashion show they wanted to do the previous night. Kevin was emcee and they all had a blast walking the runway and posing.

Kevin went first and looked very dapper.

Jordan tried to eat an interior decorating prop.

And then Jordan channeled Britney and looked like a hot mess.

Next up was this idiot who strutted and posed and later announced she wasn't wearing any underwear.

Uh oh. I shouldn't have posted that. Now I think I'm definitely going to hurl.

Lastly the Ragmuffin strutted her stuff and flashed us all her boobies. I know you're all throwing acid all over your bodies right now which is why I'm going to end this here and go moan in my bed for a while. I just know that one of you out there is poking your voodoo dolls of me and I really don't appreciate it.

Keep voting for the BBTop50 and sending in your contest entries! Thanks everyone. Have a great day!

Satan Herself

Is everyone ok? Did you all survive the night? I know, I know my children... Golden Boy is gone and all your hearts are breaking. Come to Lala and cry it out. I promise not to laugh at you for a good solid 5 seconds. Now who's ready to party? Oh divine day! The fringe element of the Chat Hag Army has vowed to never watch BB again. They've all OD'd on progesterone at this point (someone kindly notified me that progesterone is what you take for hot flashes not estrogen) and now they're just sitting around waiting for Cougar Town to air on Lifetime. Obviously, Dirt didn't clue anyone in to the fact that Courtney Cock shouldn't be headlining a show, but who am I to judge? Oh wait... judging is the "job" I've given myself here at the BBBB. Let the evil commence!

First things first, live show to discuss. Russell is safely esconced in the Jury House and will thankfully not be returning to the game. Oh seriously, how much sex are Lydia and Jessie having? I think I saw some stray sperm on that couch. Anyhow, I kind of liked it when Russell joined them and they all hugged and became buddy buddy. When the boys said they'd still vote for Jeff in the Final 2, my heart swelled. I knew they'd vote for best strategy. It keeps me hopeful that Jordan will not win this game. Jeff, on the other hand, will be a different story. I think he'll 100%, no questions asked, vote personal. He'll look at who screwed him over the least and vote for that person. The guy can't handle getting his got got so to speak. Russell won't do shit to him when Jeff finally does arrive. Ironically enough, Russell knows it's all a game. Jeff will be uncomfortable for about 10 minutes and they'll all have a good time masturbating and drinking by the pool. No worries.

Jeff's speech... can we talk about this please? Not what I expected at all. A little disappointing quite frankly. I know I love the drama of an evil speech, but Jeff's wasn't even evil. It was like a big baby throwing a tantrum. Jeff calling Kevin a backstabber is fucking hysterical. Pot meet kettle. Jeff backstabbed much worse than Kevin ever did. Jeff went against an alliance (Russell) he had for weeks, an alliance he swore on his family on. Kevin simply played Jeff. There was no trust there. Golden Boy got got. He could dish it, but he couldn't take it. Natalie and Kevin convincing Jeff to turn on Russell will go down as one of the biggest moves of this game. Like it or not, it was a great fucking move.

Jordan's speech was just all over the place. I have no idea what the hell what she was saying. I was just waiting for her boobs to pop out of that dress. Oh come on! You were thinking it too. Unfortunately, her boobs stayed covered and Dingbat Dough Girl never got her departing kiss from Golden Boy. So sad. Perhaps now we can focus on the game instead of a twisted relationship between two idiots where one is always berating the other.

Last but not least Julie Chen said the most evil words ever... some more shit to come from that stupid Pandora's Box. I think it'll be just another luxury thing that Natalie can choose to share with the house or not. Knowing her, she will NOT share it. She's desperate for prizes at this point and I think she'll try to keep something all to herself and try not to tell anyone else about it. Speaking of the Ragamuffin, how many of you stuck hot pokers in your eyes when she won HOH? LOL That was the final straw for a lot of people in the chats. Personally, I'm just glad Michele didn't win. My only goal this week is to see Kevin safe. Ragamuffin is essentially powerless. Everything rides on that POV.

The feeds came on fairly quickly after the live show ended and Natalie and Kevin immediately reviewed the questions from the HOH comp. It turns out we got fish during the live show because Kevin said "mofo". He had no idea he wasn't allowed to say that and I think they yelled at him a little afterwards. Jordan seemed to be OK and she wasn't crying or anything.

In a weird turn of events the HG's got a Luxury Shopping Spree last night. It required them to grab clothes off of mannequins and everyone seemed really pleased afterwards.

Ragamuffin was able to snag the Seinfeld "Puffy Shirt" and a bunch of other stuff that didn't really fit her.

Michele grabbed the ugliest tackiest clothes I've ever seen. Is she going to a crafting convention in this shirt?

Jordan, on the other hand, turned to the bottle. Submarine Sandwich downed an entire bottle of wine in under an hour. You go girl! One thing I did notice with Jordan, other than her new alkie ways, was that she seemed to insantly grow up a little in the matter of a couple of hours. Could it be that Jeff has been holding her down this whole time? I think so. Her world was Jeff. Now that Jeff is finally gone, her world can rightly go back to being about Jordan. Am I the only one who saw her carry herself differently, speak more directly, and sit a little taller? Jeff leaving could be the best thing that's ever happened to Jordan. Sure, she's a two ton wine swilling alkie now, but she's more mature and that's all that counts. LOL

Kevin was called to the DR and it was time for some girl talk. Ass Licker, Drunky McGee, and Ragamuffin are all in the kitchen eating some pizza. They're discussing Final 2 possibilities and Ragamuffin blurts out that she wants to get Kevin out. Before all the members of The Scarfed One Fan Club go into a panic, calm down. Ragamuffin is lying. She's already planned with Kevin to nominate him so the others think they aren't as close as they really are. Jordan is utterly shocked from the idea of Natalie turning on Kevin and you can see the rusty wheels begin to turn in her head. She's wondering if Natalie is trustworthy after all. Ragamuffin is going on and on about how Kevin would be impossible to beat in the Final 2 and I kind of want to slap her in the face. She's right about Kevin being unbeatable, but she doesn't have to vocalize to the other two so loudly, does she?

Finally we get the moment Mr. O'Shaugnessy was dreading. We get Ragamuffin's HOH reveal. Mr. O'Shaugnessy spent all last night crying into his tumbler of Whiskey. I told you how he loathes the Ragamuffin, but I'm wondering if he's crying from his date with Deion. You broke my leprechaun Deion! That's it. No one else can borrow him from here on out. I had to stay up with him all night singing Enya and Corrs songs to him and I'm never doing that shit again if I can help it. Today I have to buy him a new hat and suspenders from Neiman's. He has very expensive taste. He's mad the Ragamuffin got new clothes and he didn't. I think I'll pop on over to the Sharper Image as well and buy him one of those massage chairs. You haven't lived until you've seen a giggling vibrating leprechaun... naked.

OK so Ragamuffin gets her room and it's filled with junk food and candy. Big Brother must be super pissed off at me because they gave her two tubs of Red Vines. Ragamuffin eating candy, let alone chewy candy, makes my brain bleed. She had some photos of her dad and Ms. Turkey Roll slurred, "Awww he's so cute. He looks Spanish!". The photos of her boyfriend... can we talk about this? Dude looks old. I know I swore not to pick on people unaffiliated with the game, but CRADLE ROBBER... that's all I'm gonna say. Chicken Chow Mein picked up a photo of one of Natalie's friends and claimed she didn't look like she was 18. Ragamuffin snarled and grabbed it out of her hand and insisted her friend didn't look old.

Ragmuffin continued to go through her HOH basket announcing, "I asked for this! I asked for this! I asked for this too!" Uh duh. BB tends to give you things you ask for you rabid freak. If you can't tell already, yes Ragamuffin is beginning to bug me. I really don't like her when she feels safe and I have a feeling that she's going to be a nightmare HOH. I still think she's an evil genius and has pulled off some of the greatest moves this season, but she's also very annoying. She gets to her letter and it's from her dad. He tells her to make good choices and not to cheapen herself. Ragamuffin declares the letter must be old because he didn't mention her boyfriend and then she goes back to digging through her shit. There was cookie dough in the fridge and she says, "Jordan that must be for you." She also had 2 Mike's Lemonades and she insists they're left over from Kevin and she shoves in the back of the fridge. Instead she holds up her Arizona Green Tea and begins to tell us over and over again how much she loves it and how she drinks it all the time. By this time, my head is splitting and I'm praying for sleep.

Check it out for yourself. Please to enjoy: (Thanks Shea and birddog1!)

Actually, I did fall asleep... for a little bit. I woke to find Michele, Kevin and Ragamuffin in the HOH talking about nothing really. Michele talks about her bedazzled jean shorts and Kevin insists they're cute. No they're not. Michele finally leaves and Ragamuffin and Kevin waste no time laying into Michele. They call her "the bitch" and agree that the "the bitch has to go". Ragmuffin checks the spy screen to make sure Michele isn't listening in. They begin to straighten out the lies they've been telling Michele and I have to admit I'm completely lost. At this point, I assume everything they say is a lie. It's much more fun to try to pick out the truths since they're so rare. Kevin talks about trying to convince Michele he's not tight with Natalie at all. Their goal is to get Michele to take them to the Final 3 with her if she is the one making the decision.

Natalie says, "I'm gonna go balls out. Michele has to go." Ragamuffin's plan is to nominate Michele and Kevin. If Kevin or Ragamuffin wins POV, Kevin will come down and Jordan will go up. Ragamuffin thinks she'll strain her relationship with Jordan in doing this, but Kevin thinks Jordan will be fine just knowing that Michele is the target. Ragamuffin begins to wonder about her nomination speeches. She really wants to tell Michele what she thinks of her and call her out in front of everyone, but she doesn't know if it's a smart move at this point. She asks, "Is it a smart game move to tell her how I feel?" They talk about Jordan and how there's no way she's going home this week. They say how it must be nice to not win anything and sail until the Final 3.

Ragamuffin then tells Kevin the speech she wants to give Michele today during the nomination ceremony. This shit is funny so pay attention: "First off I want to begin by saying... Week 4 in Ronnie's eviction speech, everything he told you is exactly right. He was right on point of everything he said about you. I feel the same way. In fact, I also think you are a backstabbing habitual liar. What you did to Chima was the ultimate betrayal and you should feel despicable. You said that you dedicated your life to Christian values. Well, unfortunately for you when you walked into this house you threw all your Christian values away. Last week you tried to make a deal with me for Final 3 to keep Jeff in this house. Well, guess what? Maybe I haven't dedicated my whole life to Christain values but I also am a Christian. As a Christian I know not to make a deal with the devil and if I would of made a deal with you Michele I would have been making a deal with Satan herself so I respectfully decline your deal and I've nominated you for eviction... you know something along those lines." LMAO A speech dipped in chocolate, rolled in macadamia nuts, and covered in rubies. Rubies are red and red represents fire and fire represents hell. I'm quite certain that the Ragamuffin and "Satan herself" both reside in the ninth ring of hell. Kevin, bless his heart, says, "Is there a way you can make it sound less bitchy?" AHAHAHA!!!

She then tells Kevin what his speech will be. Something along the lines of how he must surprised by his nomination, but she hopes he can one day get over it and be her friend again. She says she'll mention the chess metaphor Kevin came up with when he called her the Queen. She'll say she's honored he thinks she's a queen, but he 's been her pawn and there comes a point where you have to sacrifice a pawn. Kevin tells her it sounds a little staged because this whole time she's been saying that nominations don't matter and her speeches are making the nominations sound like they are super important. Natalie insists they are because if she wins POV who she nominates matters. They agree that Kevin will react with a lot of eye rolling... nothing too dramatic.

So expect to see Michele and Kevin on the block and maybe something will happen with that Pandora's box today.

I know you all saw a commercial last night for Amazing Race and YES I will be doing a Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. There's nothing over there yet, but start following and bookmarking so you don't miss a thing. I'll be updating it this weekend and sending out tweets accordingly.

Have a great day everyone! Big BBUK finale today!