Sunday, August 7, 2011
Yesterday on Three's Company, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan continued to ostricize the very people they need to keep them in the game. Not only are Mr. Furley and myself hip to the shenanigans, but the rest of the house is wise to the selfishness as well. If this were an Amish society, Rachel (Jebediah), Jeff (Ezekial) and Jordan (Jacob) would have essentially shunned the sinners from the homestead and forced them out into the big dangerous English world where they'd inevitably all start meth labs. Alliances are crumbling, new ones are forming, a wide-eyed blow up doll shaved her pubes in the backyard with a garden hose and a crimson-haired harlot went through the five stages of grief all in one day. It wasn't the most exciting of days, but I'm sure I can come up with a few things to poke fun at. Let's recap, shall we?
The day began with an early morning POV and from what I can gather, it sounds a little bit like the hot chocolate competition that Kevin won in BB11. Houseguests had to race back and forth, back and forth, balancing or carrying a ball. If they dropped the ball, they may or may not have had to start all over again. It sounded very endurance-like to me as HG's ran over 200 laps. Apparently, Rachel kept dropping her ball, Jordan went out early and Adam surprised everyone by not having a heart attack. In the end, Jeff won the POV and somewhere someone cared.
Typically, this would be good news to Kalia. Her grand master flash plan was to get rid of Rachel and keep Jeff & Jordan safe. The problem is that she didn't exactly go about it with the greatest of tact. Combine that with the fact that Jeff is an enormous man-child and you've got a problem. So Kalia got her wish, but she also lost an ally in the process. Princess Jordan, currently infected with the "Nothing gets in between me and my man!" strain of the bubonic plague, is impossible to talk to lately and I don't even think an act of God will make her trust Kalia again.
Post-POV, Kalia and Lawon are up in the HOH and Kalia is looking for a little advice on how to deal with the Jeff situation. She takes a quick pee, she spreads mayonnaise on a sandwich (that's not a fat joke - it's really what she did), she sticks her face into said jar of mayonnaise (ok, that one was a fat joke) and after an 18 minute preamble of "Actually, obviously, literally, like obviously, 100%. Period, point blank" she managed to get around to explaining how she nominated Jeff just so he'd be able to play in the POV. Now, I'm trying with Kalia. I really am. I'm trying to look past the farting, the belching, the valley girl speak, the holier than thou bullshit, the Brendon smugness she recently contracted and all the rest of it, but I've got to be honest with you. It is impossible to listen to her!! Never in my life have I encountered someone so in love with her own wretched voice. Kalia loves attention and she loves an audience so when she manages to lure an unsuspecting victim up to her lair, a vicious and bloody scene isn't far behind. Poor Lawon. There he sat innocently. But by the time all was said and done, his ears were bleeding, his eyeballs were hanging on by little fleshy threads and his swanky argyle socks were covered in excrement. It was a death by rhetoric. You don't hear of those very often, but I have a feeling they'd be very difficult to prosecute in court.
In the end, since Lawon's insides had turned to pea soup, he didn't really have much to say about the whole Jeff thing. Kalia has lost Jeff's trust and no matter what she does - even if it's keeping Jordan off the block - he will never want anything to do with her again.
Meanwhile down in the kitchen area, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is busy eating and working her way through the five stages of giref. She cruises through Denial quickly enough and, as we've all seen, she's lingered on Anger for several days now. The Bargaining stage comes and goes, but it's the Depression stage that's the most amusing. Hunched over a rancid bowl of slop not made with love and olive oil by her lurching penis skyping boyfriend, big fat oily tears went plop, plop, plop down her face and into her bowl of food. At first, she wears her tears with pride. She thinks to herself, "Go ahead world, embrace my pain!". But then, she hears the cameras start to move. They move from her to the black & white photo on the wall just over her shoulder and then back to her again. "Ahhh, air time," she thinks to herself. The lower lip begins to quiver, she sniffles just so and the crusty wrists of her faded sweatshirt begin to dry the tiny pearls of loss oozing from her eyeballs. If my violin weren't in the repair shop (I simply played it too hard yesterday), I would have chosen a jaunty uplifting tune to go with the scene. The juxtaposition of a merry polka set against the decaying parrot woman on the screen would have been beautious. Eventually, our broken heroin (I left off the last 'e' on purpose) gathers herself up by her bootstraps, wipes away any evidence of weakness and enters the last stage of grief: Acceptance. Took her long enough!
Over in the Have-Not room, little miss bitch face Jordan (I swear to god, she becomes more like Rachel everyday) is busy telling Jeff that she refuses to go upstairs to talk to Kalia. She says she'll "lose her shit" if Kalia tells her she's going up as a pawn. Now, I may not be a fan of Jordan in the game, but I've always thought she was probably a pretty decent person in real life. She seems nice enough and she's not at all caught up in the trappings of fame like some of her other BB11 houseguests (*ahem* Ass Licker *ahem*), but this new, irrationally stubborn and selfish Jordan is beginning to reek of entitlement. It's not cute and it's not appealing. It's very "spoiled brat-ish". Let's just say that she's not doing herself any favors clinging to Rachel and Jeff like she is. It's turning her into a gigantic asshole.
So anyhow, the gigantic asshole tells Jeff that he should go talk to Kalia instead and Jeff agrees. She also says, and get this, "It would be so money if Kalia put up Porsche." Money? It would be SO MONEY? Oh for chrissake. *throws hands in the air* I'm going to give everyone here a little tip: Unless you're in the cast of Entourage or your best friends are Snooki and JWoww never ever ever say something is "money".
OK so it turns out that the HG's got a grill from the Have/Have-Not competition. Shelly and Adam are outside admiring it when Adam asks, "Who do you think Kalia will put up? Jordan?" Shelly replies, "No. You." Adam is immediately stunned. He had no idea he was even being considered. Well, that's what happens dumbass. You sit around refusing to matriculate and play and you'll find yourself up on the block more often than not. Adam mumbles something about being sick of being of the pawn and I mumbled something about being sick of his ass still in the house.
By this point in time, Rachel has dried her tears, smoothed back her hair and strapped on her game face. It's time for her to talk to Kalia about nominations. Rachel sits down and immediately launches into her prepared speech. She promises Kalia that if she nominates someone who could possibly go home instead of her, then she'll forgive Kalia for this week and look the other way next week. She knows Kalia is considering putting up Adam and if she does that, Rachel is definitely gone. Rachel swears that if she stays this week that she will not go after Kalia next week. She also swears that if she does go home then she's coming back and she's coming back with a vengeance. She thinks CBS and the fans want her in the house and if it's a competition, then she'll definitely win it and march back in just like she did last season. *sigh* She's right, you know. If she goes this week, she'll probably be back. My faith in Cassi or Dominic to win against her in either a physical or mental competition simply isn't very strong. As a fan and a blogger, Rachel is conundrum that I'm convinced is rotting my brain. On the one hand, I hate her with every fiber of my being and would like to throw her into a giant cauldron of boiling hot lava. On the other hand, she never fails to give me shit to write about. It's a Catch 22. A little violin music please.
So anyhow, Rachel is talking and talking and talking. She's telling Kalia that she has a huge opportunity at this point in the game to team up with Rachel and be part of a strong alliance. She says she can help Kalia repair her relationship with Jeff & Jordan. As much as I hate to admit it, that was a nice touch. Kalia, however, could not seem less interested. The entire time Rachel is making her case, Kalia sat staring at the tv screen. You could tell Rachel was getting annoyed at not having her undivided attention, but Kalia swears she was just staring at the memory wall to remind herself who is still in the house. The conversation ends with Kalia agreeing to give what Rachel is offering serious consideration.
Rachel leaves and Kalia immediately falls back onto the bed to rehash the conversation (to HERSELF, mind you). She says it would be silly for her to jump alliances right now. "That would be insane," she murmurs. She also can't figure out who Rachel was hinting for her to put up. Rachel seems to thinks there's an option out there that would keep her safe. And, by the way, how the hell did Rachel know Kalia was considering putting up Adam. (Shelly)
While Rachel heads out to the backyard to rehash the convo for Jordan, Kalia heads down to rehash it for Daniele and Porsche. The three wonder what the upcoming twist could be. Could it be a power? Could it be a Diamond Power Of Veto? Is it something America voted for? They can't figure it out. Kalia then asks who told Rachel that she was considering putting up Adam. Daniele says she saw Shelly in the kitchen saying something about it. Kalia doesn't really respond and instead tells Porsche that Rachel must think she has her vote because she seemed pretty confident she could win against a nominee other than Adam. Porsche says she's voting out Rachel and that Rachel can, and I quote, "suck a dick." Nicely done Porsche! Where have you been this whole time? I said several days back that I might actually learn to tolerate Porsche if she finally ditches the life-sucking Oldies and teams up with Dani. Well, it looks like the defection is on it's way. Now if only I could just get her to stop talking about how famous she'll be.
It's feeding time so naturally Kalia heads to the Storage Room. While there, she runs into Coyote Ugly. She asks Shelly if she told Rachel that she was thinking about putting Adam on the block. Shelly says no and I think she might be telling the truth. I'm fairly sure she told Jeff & Jordan (in addition to telling Adam at the grill) about Adam as a replacement nominee. Shelly is pretty much done with Rachel at this point so I don't think she's feeding her info anymore. I could be wrong because I missed how Rachel found out. Anyhow, Kalia tells Shelly that Rachel seems to think she has the votes the stay. Shelly says, "She's playing you Kalia." The honesty seems to make Kalia feel a little better, but now she really wants to talk with Jordan.
Outside Kalia asks Jordan to talk. Jordan says maybe later. Kalia walks away and Jordan whispers to Rachel that she has no plans to talk to Kalia at all. Rachel actually begins to encourage Jordan to go up to the HOH. She schools Jordan on what to say and it's basically all just arguments on why it would be good to keep Rachel in the game. Jordan is stubborn though and she wants Jeff to talk to Kalia instead.
I don't think Jeff & Jordan ever made it up to the HOH with Kalia, but if it happens, it'll happen today. I missed the late night stuff, but I think Adam turned 40 and then said something about shaving his beard and keeping it a plastic baggy. Gross. Anyhow, I'm going to end this here so comment it out bitches and have a great day!