Sunday, August 7, 2011


Yesterday on Three's Company, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan continued to ostricize the very people they need to keep them in the game. Not only are Mr. Furley and myself hip to the shenanigans, but the rest of the house is wise to the selfishness as well. If this were an Amish society, Rachel (Jebediah), Jeff (Ezekial) and Jordan (Jacob) would have essentially shunned the sinners from the homestead and forced them out into the big dangerous English world where they'd inevitably all start meth labs. Alliances are crumbling, new ones are forming, a wide-eyed blow up doll shaved her pubes in the backyard with a garden hose and a crimson-haired harlot went through the five stages of grief all in one day. It wasn't the most exciting of days, but I'm sure I can come up with a few things to poke fun at. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with an early morning POV and from what I can gather, it sounds a little bit like the hot chocolate competition that Kevin won in BB11. Houseguests had to race back and forth, back and forth, balancing or carrying a ball. If they dropped the ball, they may or may not have had to start all over again. It sounded very endurance-like to me as HG's ran over 200 laps. Apparently, Rachel kept dropping her ball, Jordan went out early and Adam surprised everyone by not having a heart attack. In the end, Jeff won the POV and somewhere someone cared.

Typically, this would be good news to Kalia. Her grand master flash plan was to get rid of Rachel and keep Jeff & Jordan safe. The problem is that she didn't exactly go about it with the greatest of tact. Combine that with the fact that Jeff is an enormous man-child and you've got a problem. So Kalia got her wish, but she also lost an ally in the process. Princess Jordan, currently infected with the "Nothing gets in between me and my man!" strain of the bubonic plague, is impossible to talk to lately and I don't even think an act of God will make her trust Kalia again.

Post-POV, Kalia and Lawon are up in the HOH and Kalia is looking for a little advice on how to deal with the Jeff situation. She takes a quick pee, she spreads mayonnaise on a sandwich (that's not a fat joke - it's really what she did), she sticks her face into said jar of mayonnaise (ok, that one was a fat joke) and after an 18 minute preamble of "Actually, obviously, literally, like obviously, 100%. Period, point blank" she managed to get around to explaining how she nominated Jeff just so he'd be able to play in the POV. Now, I'm trying with Kalia. I really am. I'm trying to look past the farting, the belching, the valley girl speak, the holier than thou bullshit, the Brendon smugness she recently contracted and all the rest of it, but I've got to be honest with you. It is impossible to listen to her!! Never in my life have I encountered someone so in love with her own wretched voice. Kalia loves attention and she loves an audience so when she manages to lure an unsuspecting victim up to her lair, a vicious and bloody scene isn't far behind. Poor Lawon. There he sat innocently. But by the time all was said and done, his ears were bleeding, his eyeballs were hanging on by little fleshy threads and his swanky argyle socks were covered in excrement. It was a death by rhetoric. You don't hear of those very often, but I have a feeling they'd be very difficult to prosecute in court.

In the end, since Lawon's insides had turned to pea soup, he didn't really have much to say about the whole Jeff thing. Kalia has lost Jeff's trust and no matter what she does - even if it's keeping Jordan off the block - he will never want anything to do with her again.

Meanwhile down in the kitchen area, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is busy eating and working her way through the five stages of giref. She cruises through Denial quickly enough and, as we've all seen, she's lingered on Anger for several days now. The Bargaining stage comes and goes, but it's the Depression stage that's the most amusing. Hunched over a rancid bowl of slop not made with love and olive oil by her lurching penis skyping boyfriend, big fat oily tears went plop, plop, plop down her face and into her bowl of food. At first, she wears her tears with pride. She thinks to herself, "Go ahead world, embrace my pain!". But then, she hears the cameras start to move. They move from her to the black & white photo on the wall just over her shoulder and then back to her again. "Ahhh, air time," she thinks to herself. The lower lip begins to quiver, she sniffles just so and the crusty wrists of her faded sweatshirt begin to dry the tiny pearls of loss oozing from her eyeballs. If my violin weren't in the repair shop (I simply played it too hard yesterday), I would have chosen a jaunty uplifting tune to go with the scene. The juxtaposition of a merry polka set against the decaying parrot woman on the screen would have been beautious. Eventually, our broken heroin (I left off the last 'e' on purpose) gathers herself up by her bootstraps, wipes away any evidence of weakness and enters the last stage of grief: Acceptance. Took her long enough!

Over in the Have-Not room, little miss bitch face Jordan (I swear to god, she becomes more like Rachel everyday) is busy telling Jeff that she refuses to go upstairs to talk to Kalia. She says she'll "lose her shit" if Kalia tells her she's going up as a pawn. Now, I may not be a fan of Jordan in the game, but I've always thought she was probably a pretty decent person in real life. She seems nice enough and she's not at all caught up in the trappings of fame like some of her other BB11 houseguests (*ahem* Ass Licker *ahem*), but this new, irrationally stubborn and selfish Jordan is beginning to reek of entitlement. It's not cute and it's not appealing. It's very "spoiled brat-ish". Let's just say that she's not doing herself any favors clinging to Rachel and Jeff like she is. It's turning her into a gigantic asshole.

So anyhow, the gigantic asshole tells Jeff that he should go talk to Kalia instead and Jeff agrees. She also says, and get this, "It would be so money if Kalia put up Porsche." Money? It would be SO MONEY? Oh for chrissake. *throws hands in the air* I'm going to give everyone here a little tip: Unless you're in the cast of Entourage or your best friends are Snooki and JWoww never ever ever say something is "money".

OK so it turns out that the HG's got a grill from the Have/Have-Not competition. Shelly and Adam are outside admiring it when Adam asks, "Who do you think Kalia will put up? Jordan?" Shelly replies, "No. You." Adam is immediately stunned. He had no idea he was even being considered. Well, that's what happens dumbass. You sit around refusing to matriculate and play and you'll find yourself up on the block more often than not. Adam mumbles something about being sick of being of the pawn and I mumbled something about being sick of his ass still in the house.

By this point in time, Rachel has dried her tears, smoothed back her hair and strapped on her game face. It's time for her to talk to Kalia about nominations. Rachel sits down and immediately launches into her prepared speech. She promises Kalia that if she nominates someone who could possibly go home instead of her, then she'll forgive Kalia for this week and look the other way next week. She knows Kalia is considering putting up Adam and if she does that, Rachel is definitely gone. Rachel swears that if she stays this week that she will not go after Kalia next week. She also swears that if she does go home then she's coming back and she's coming back with a vengeance. She thinks CBS and the fans want her in the house and if it's a competition, then she'll definitely win it and march back in just like she did last season. *sigh* She's right, you know. If she goes this week, she'll probably be back. My faith in Cassi or Dominic to win against her in either a physical or mental competition simply isn't very strong. As a fan and a blogger, Rachel is conundrum that I'm convinced is rotting my brain. On the one hand, I hate her with every fiber of my being and would like to throw her into a giant cauldron of boiling hot lava. On the other hand, she never fails to give me shit to write about. It's a Catch 22. A little violin music please.

So anyhow, Rachel is talking and talking and talking. She's telling Kalia that she has a huge opportunity at this point in the game to team up with Rachel and be part of a strong alliance. She says she can help Kalia repair her relationship with Jeff & Jordan. As much as I hate to admit it, that was a nice touch. Kalia, however, could not seem less interested. The entire time Rachel is making her case, Kalia sat staring at the tv screen. You could tell Rachel was getting annoyed at not having her undivided attention, but Kalia swears she was just staring at the memory wall to remind herself who is still in the house. The conversation ends with Kalia agreeing to give what Rachel is offering serious consideration.

Rachel leaves and Kalia immediately falls back onto the bed to rehash the conversation (to HERSELF, mind you). She says it would be silly for her to jump alliances right now. "That would be insane," she murmurs. She also can't figure out who Rachel was hinting for her to put up. Rachel seems to thinks there's an option out there that would keep her safe. And, by the way, how the hell did Rachel know Kalia was considering putting up Adam. (Shelly)

While Rachel heads out to the backyard to rehash the convo for Jordan, Kalia heads down to rehash it for Daniele and Porsche. The three wonder what the upcoming twist could be. Could it be a power? Could it be a Diamond Power Of Veto? Is it something America voted for? They can't figure it out. Kalia then asks who told Rachel that she was considering putting up Adam. Daniele says she saw Shelly in the kitchen saying something about it. Kalia doesn't really respond and instead tells Porsche that Rachel must think she has her vote because she seemed pretty confident she could win against a nominee other than Adam. Porsche says she's voting out Rachel and that Rachel can, and I quote, "suck a dick." Nicely done Porsche! Where have you been this whole time? I said several days back that I might actually learn to tolerate Porsche if she finally ditches the life-sucking Oldies and teams up with Dani. Well, it looks like the defection is on it's way. Now if only I could just get her to stop talking about how famous she'll be.

It's feeding time so naturally Kalia heads to the Storage Room. While there, she runs into Coyote Ugly. She asks Shelly if she told Rachel that she was thinking about putting Adam on the block. Shelly says no and I think she might be telling the truth. I'm fairly sure she told Jeff & Jordan (in addition to telling Adam at the grill) about Adam as a replacement nominee. Shelly is pretty much done with Rachel at this point so I don't think she's feeding her info anymore. I could be wrong because I missed how Rachel found out. Anyhow, Kalia tells Shelly that Rachel seems to think she has the votes the stay. Shelly says, "She's playing you Kalia." The honesty seems to make Kalia feel a little better, but now she really wants to talk with Jordan.

Outside Kalia asks Jordan to talk. Jordan says maybe later. Kalia walks away and Jordan whispers to Rachel that she has no plans to talk to Kalia at all. Rachel actually begins to encourage Jordan to go up to the HOH. She schools Jordan on what to say and it's basically all just arguments on why it would be good to keep Rachel in the game. Jordan is stubborn though and she wants Jeff to talk to Kalia instead.

I don't think Jeff & Jordan ever made it up to the HOH with Kalia, but if it happens, it'll happen today. I missed the late night stuff, but I think Adam turned 40 and then said something about shaving his beard and keeping it a plastic baggy. Gross. Anyhow, I'm going to end this here so comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. I'm dying over the 5 stages of grief! She so mirrored those steps but those stages were developed for sane people and Rachel is going to careen in and out of them until she's gone. And I can see your dilemma in not wanting her out since she's gold for your imagination but she's chalkboard for your (and our) nerves.
    Jordon (and Jeff for sure) are pissing this opportunity down their legs. I'm sad about that because they are vets, lest we forget, and they should have learned something the first time around.
    Adam mumbles about being a pawn and you mumble about his ass being in the house! LMFAO!
    Snooki has really changed!!!
    Thanks again for your wit, your talent and keeping us laughing!

  2. Your comments along w/ Big Brother Online, have really made this season entertaining for me. I watch BBAD, but find myself FFing through any of Rachel and Kalia's diatribes. I pretty much just skim through the CBS show, as well.
    The reporting and timeline for BBO and your editorial provide me with a perfect way to enjoy the show. It's almost as if you read my mind sometimes. (I'm sure others feel the same way too)
    Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for "wasting" your summer so I don't have to watch all that shit. LOL Keep it up.

  3. All the vets need to go. Weren't JJ on "The Amazing Race" once, in addition to BB twice? They seem kinda jaded now. Man, so done with them. Time to go.

  4. It's a sin to hate you got your nerves.This is a game to win so get a life.

  5. Why is it that I agree with pretty much everything you say and it all seems like the logical way of thinking, and yet there are still fans out there rooting for the oldies and fawning over Jordan and Jeff? Yesterday I also noticed a rash of "Daniele is the worst person on earth." What show are those people watching???
    Love the blog :)

  6. If these folks were smart (and they're not) they'd totally pull a Russell on Big Red. She's mentally fragile and will totally crumble if played the right way. We have evidence chick doesn't do well in comps if she's not stable. All this "Be nice to Rachel" crap is only serving to allow her time to strengthen mentally. I'd be messing with her ALL DAMN WEEK. But then again, I'm a bitch so...

    Kalia's too worried about people being mad at her to get the shit done so it's likely Rach will have her game face back on and kick the ass of whoever is voted on. *sigh* I wish these people would get it together.

  7. "I have my period " seems to be the great umbrella excuse that big red and Jordo use all the time to act like annoying cunts. Get your Ham wallet checked out if it bleeds continually and never stops.::: rolls eyes::::::

  8. I don't know what's funnier...Rachel's 5 stages of grief or you perplexed over losing Rachel to write about. Hilarious.

    Jeff and Jordan are not coming across as congenial as last year. I think Reality TV kills a person's soul from the inside out.

    This may be the most unlikable bunch since the cast that had the guy who's serving time for dealing cocaine. The only eprson I liked out of them was Sheila, the penthouse pet.

    Shelly, Porsche, Kalia, and Lawon could run that house if they weren't insipid and indecisive.

    I'm cheering for Daniele. I don't know why.

  9. I watched Shelly reveal to Adam that Kalia was putting him up. So, she bold-faced lied.
    And, J&J did finally make it up to the HoH rm where Kalia let them know no way no how she was putting up Jordon.

  10. Absolutely a riot, Colette!

  11. Great post. I'd laugh more if... well I don't to give away spoilers just in case someone reads my post, so I'll just say I'm fucking pissed. If CBS wanted to give Jeff and Jordan half a million dollars they could have just given it to them without having them come on big brother. Fuck it, give them an even full mill. Why don't they give them a private jet too so that their long distance relationship is easier. As I was reading through the part about Kalia talking, I was thinking, how is it like at her thanksgiving with the whole family? o.o

  12. I wish Rachel had the balls to terrorize Dani the way Dick terrorized everyone in their season. Dani had a hissy fit and stopped the nomination ceremony to tell production that Rachel was sitting to close to her, breathing on her, looking at her and touching her foot. Waaa! Dani is like "seriously" the biggest spoiled baby.
    Everyone should cut Jordan a break: Two weeks of slop and two weeks of Rachel in the have-not room - How would YOU be acting? A bit tense? On edge perhaps?
    Porschuuuh should go up as a replacement nom. She is completely uninteresting, always has a look of "duh" on her face and does not know what an onion tastes like. After her line: "I don't want to cause drama because directors won't want to work with me," I was done with her then and now. Vote her boring ass out.
    I would love to see Kalualua and Dani "literally" lose their shit when Brendon re-enters the game. Tried to get rid of that other one and you get that first one back!
    Won't that make for some good TV? It's about time that one of these ridiculous twists makes watching these people more fun.

  13. Always great bitching! I swear, with Adam's new look, if you put a suit on him and a white coat over it, and he rushed around hurriedly with a clipboard, he would look like half the medical doctors in the country, maybe a psychiatrist even. He actually looks nicer that way. And since he is full of jelly, as we all know now, it's pretty much how he should look. I'd feel safe telling him all about my feelings of hate for Brenchel, although technically I have never even met them!

    Although poor, sweet Adam, for whatever reason believes that Evil* Dick** would not only NOT terrorize him, but would (inner chuckle) actually even like him! Awww, how naive.... That would only make it better for Dick, since he only ever really bullied those he knew could not actually knock his face through the back of his head. Women, the non-butch gay guy, and those who made the mistake of liking or trusting him. Oh, and his children--nearly forgot about them! What a dick.

    * Yes, e-v-i-l, because he is actually EVIL, and because the actual, real, hugely successful Evel would roll over in his grave to have HIS name dragged through the mud by this puke-stain of a person! F.Y.I. Evel Knieval was a successful motorcycle stunt rider of fame in the 1970's, in case someone wasn't born yet or lived under a rock through that decade.
    **  His real name--perfect!

    Oh, jeez, Shelly talking to Kalia about how she doesn't like Porsche "because of all the lies she tells." Oh man, she's got 'em all fooled.... And many of you too! How on earth has she not been outed with all her "floating" from the get-go?!?! Oy.

  14. Not wanting Rachel in her(Dani's) lap doesn't make her a fucking baby. Its gross when people violate your personal space. People constantly crawl up my ass when I do self check out at the grocery store. I have to tell them to back the hell up.

  15. I love this blog & comments! Hilarious... I'm really tired of the sites rooting for jeffdon & brenchel! Wth, let's get this game going already. I'm almost missing Natalie and her sandwich making ass!

  16. Simon from onlinebigbrother suggested his members check out your here I am.

    Totally love it. Very well written and I literally laughed out loud a few times - loved the "and a child molester enters the house" bit...hilarious!

    Still laughing....

  17. "Kudos!"

    Still laughing ............
    Funny stuff here.
    Thanks and keep it coming.

  18. Wow, someone more pathetic than that skankly-whore Daniele. The author of this lame blog.