Wednesday, August 10, 2011

You're Fired

Yesterday on Little People, Big World a slow dimwitted hair twirler tried to navigate her way through the weeds of life. It's a big bad world out there and when you've got nothing more than two pebbles in your noggin to rub together, that world can you eat alive. I don't know if it's the ammonium thioglycolate fumes or the public school system in North Carolina, but I'm genuinely frightened and angered by some of the things that leak out of Jordan's mouth. Few things in life anger me (ha!): a fly in my bathtub gin, glitter shortages, DVR conflictions, every other driver in the world, the assholes living on the backlot in Studio City, intolerance, cancer, the fact that prescription medications aren't available in vending machines, men, women, children. But what angers me most of all is stupidity. I'm not a genius, but I know my left from my write. See what I did there? That was a joke, grammar police. No need to alert the sirens. No need to send your armed guards knocking on my door. Calm the fuck down and let's recap, shall we?

The day started off with a puff of smoke and a gurgling digestive tract. Shelly and Kalia are awake, my friends. From what I can tell, it appears as if Shelly slept curled up next to a venom spewing demon person and Kalia slept with a blockage in her intestines. As I am so done with Kalia, let's focus on Shelly instead. Either a necromancer, a soothsayer or a weeble wobble spent the entire night whispering deliciously hateful thoughts into Shelly's subconscious and today she's going to share every single one of those thought with us. *glitter falls from the sky* An angry Shelly is a funny Shelly and a really angry Shelly is a hysterically awesome Shelly. She starts to see things that aren't there. She interprets innocent looks as elaborate plans. The coffee in her veins begins to boil, the smoke in her lungs turns noxious and we all get to reap the naughty benefits.

Innocent, silent, buffoon-y Lawon likes to sink himself into the hammock and soak up some sun. He throws one argyled calf over the side, loosens the giant tie around his neck and closes his eyes behind a pair shiny plastic heart-shaped sunglasses. He sleeps and dreams of corduroy. Visions of giant collars and shiny lapels dance harmlessly in his head. But to Shelly, oh wicked Shelly, Lawon isn't napping in the sun like a lazy golden retriever. Oh no. He's plotting. He's planning. He's spying. He's undercover and gathering intel. Shelly watches from the couch and whispers to others, "Lawon is watching us. He's watching the mirrors. He lies like that so he can spy. His eyes aren't really closed. They're open I tell you. Open!" Calm down Coyote Ugly. I realize you haven't eaten in about a week, but holy paranoia. Lawon is as innocent as a feather. He sways charmingly from side to side. He glides gently in the breeze, but he's something that'll eventually be swept away or stuffed into a pillow and slept on. As nice and as innocent of a person he is, he's not Big Brother material. I'd love to go shopping with him so we can buy giant buttons together, but Lawon is a casting mistake. If he goes home, we won't even know he's gone.

When Shelly is done telling everyone that Lawon is really a secret mastermind plotting their demise, she turns her guillotine tongue to Porsche. You see, Shelly is none too thrilled that Porsche treated herself to more than one piece of ice cream cake after Adam's birthday party. That high maintenance ne'er-do-well is getting fatter by the day and the last thing she needs is more ice cream cake. *bites fist* Shelly whips out the chart she's made documenting the speed at which Porsche's ass is growing and after calling her a flurry of names that include such gems as "Useless" and "Lazy", Devil Shelly shrugs her shoulders and says, "I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry America. I'm sorry that Porsche is greedy little heifer that serves no purpose." Maybe I paraphrased that last part a little bit, but the sentiment is right on. Porsche is getting fatter which, to Shelly, means she's getting fatter with anti-Shelly game play. Those extra calories aren't just dimples on Porsche's ass. They're bumpy little plots of deception and hate. Shelly shuns cellulite like she shuns sunscreen. There's just no place for it in her world.

Shelly isn't all venom and vitriol though. She's also a human resources wizard who can interview the hell out of you if given a chance. When there's hiring to be done, Shelly to the rescue! Outside Jordan is mumbling something about trying to find a job and Shelly decides to help her out by giving her a mock job interview. Shelly may spit acid now and again, but when it comes to customer care and personnel conflict resolution, that ole piece of shoe leather is a pro. Shelly asks Jordan questions like, "What do you think you can bring my company that another applicant can't?", "What do you feel is your greatest weakness?", "Give me an example of how you've solved a problem in the workplace?", etc. Jordan sits wide-eyed and says, "These are adult questions!" Shelly replies, "You're an adult Jordan." Well, let's not get carried away there Slim Shady.

The play continues and Shelly asks, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" Jordan replies, "Huh? I don't get it." *smacks self in head with an iron ball covered in spikes* In all of her twenty some odd years, Jordan has never heard of the glass being half full or half empty. See? Shit like this scares me. It scares me that a person without knowledge of common idioms has a driver's license and is allowed to procreate. It scares me that she's allowed to walk around without a chaperone. I'm frightened she can vote. I'm horrified she can be around other people's children. I think if someone hired Jordan to babysit their kids she'd let them play with ammonia and bleach or some shit like that. There's a chip missing somewhere in her brain and I feel like any decision making she does should be done in front of a highly certified panel of specialists guiding her from point A to point B.

Shelly then asks Jordan, "What do you do when you get home from a job interview?" Jordan replies, "I'd probably walk the dog." Oh. My. God. Come on! Think Jordan, think! Does Shelly really want to know if you'd make yourself dinner, take a shower or walk the dog? No! Shelly is still in manager-mode. She's still teaching. *sigh* The correct answer is that you go home and write the interviewer a thank-you note. Jordan says, "Really? I never thought of that!" Of course you've never thought of that you windbag. Look, the economy sucks, employment is down and if Jordan Lloyd gets hired for a job over you, you should probably kill yourself. Her dream job is working in a dentist's office and, I don't know about you, but having Jordan working in the medical field makes my ass clench. There is no way in hell I'd let that airy idiot clean my teeth. She'd probably scrape my eyeballs by accident and stick a Waterpik up my nose. I'd walk out blind and leaking water. No thank you.

I realize this is more of a rant than a recap, but I didn't really get a chance to watch too much of the feeds yesterday. My apologies. And, you're going to hate this, but I have to go out of town tomorrow and I won't have access to the feeds until Sunday night. I know, I know. Believe me, I know! I'm going to miss all of the Thursday night aftermath and the shitstorm coming this weekend, but I'd like to do direct you to in the meantime. They'll keep you up to date on everything going on in the house. I'll be watching the CBS show and hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll get to catch some BBAD. Other than that, I'll be like one of those sad non-feed people until Sunday relying only on Twitter and my wits to get me through the weekend. I'll be back on Monday and things should remain regular (unlike Kalia's bowels) around here for the rest of August.

I will end this post with my wishes for the coming week: I want Lawon to be evicted and Cassi to come back into the house. I want Daniele to win HOH and for her to nominate Rachel and Jeff. I want Rachel to win POV, Jordan to go on the block and Jeff to go home. Yes, I loathe Rachel with the fire of a thousand suns, but I'm dreaming of a Porsche, Kalia, Daniele and Cassi alliance that'll spar with Rachel 24 hours a day, everyday. I want girl fights and hair pulling, synchronized periods and catty remarks about each other's weight. I'll gather up some hemlock and toad stool and dance naked under the moon tonight. I'll light candles, burn incense and chant in Ancient Enochian before I head out. If The Fates love me at all, they'll make this happen. Until then, be well, be safe, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. Thanks for the link back Colette Lala, your the best.

    Loving your blog this year it's a must read for BBfans.

    I so want to see Jeff go home and the fact CBS keeps giving him the golden edit regardless of what they do makes me hate JJ more than I hate BR (I just said that WTF is this world coming to). With the majority of feed watchers finally figuring out that JJ are giant Douche bags I wonder how long CBS will keep up the BULL SHIT edit for the TV crowd?

    Let Brendon go cure cancer vote Cassi or Dom to return tomorrow.

  2. OMG..that was so funny!! I think you're dead on about Jordan but yesterday ddani asked Porsche how she pronounced aunt Porsche said she didn't know becuz she didn't have one. These people are incredibly stupid. It also frightens me.

  3. You are right about both Jordan and Shelly. Here's my problem though: Shelly would be almost my favorite BB player if it weren't for the fact that everything she does she does for Jordan and Jeff. I can't believe those two tools are what motivates this woman. I wish she was playing the game for herself and not still so "starstruck" over two non stars.
    Jordan's voice is also REALLY getting to me. Like A LOT.
    I can't believe you won't be blogging about the aftermath from the rapture on Thursday, but I'm sure it probably more upsetting/annoying to you than it is to me in the end so whatevs.

  4. "I'd walk out blind and leaking water. No thank you."

    Almost spit my drink all over my screen. Thanks for that I truly needed a little hate filled rant today.

  5. Everyone over on 'Joker's' voted for and seem to think that it's Brendon coming back - I don't know where they get their info, but PLEASE let it not be him - I voted 10 X for Cassie. I don't think I could take a Brenchal reunion (she said yesterday she would "jump on him and never let go") YUCK

  6. I think who would stay between Jeff and Jordan would depend on who reenters the house because Rachel, Shelly and Adam would want to keep Jeff while Kalia and Porsche as well as Dani as the tiebreaker would want him out. If Lawon or Dom come back in Jeff would probably go. If Cassi or Brendon come back Jeff would probably stay.

  7. I can easily imagine that you get as many or more followers that ED himself! LOVE this blog! Up until now, I wanted Cassie to reenter the house, but I have changed my mind in the name of drama! Against my usual judgment I choose Brendan to come back, Lawon to exit, Shelly or Adam to win HOH.>just to see what they would do although I know Shelly wants Porsche out< Kalia and Rachel get nominated for eviction..and Brendan go apeshit!

  8. Such talented, consistently funny observations & writing!!!

    Agree with all of what you pointed out so expertly,... and your take on both "Coyote Ugly" & Jordan hits it. I wouldn't want to see any medical professional that had her working as an assistant either!

    Hope the scenarios play out like you outlined, 'cause that sounds like it would be a seriously entertaining fun time!

    Have a nice trip till next you return!

  9. These people are too inconsistent. I'm going to end up liking Porsche and Adam because they're never anything other than bland.

    I want Daniele to win HoH or veto next week. The idea of a crazier Rachel, a crazier Shelly, crazier Jeff and an angry bitter Jordan makes me warm and fuzzy.

  10. Aw, that sucks, hope you have a fun trip...or whatever you're doing. You really want an all girl cast Lala? What the hell will Adam do all day? I really do appreciate the Porsche's ass part being longer than the Kalia's bowels section. That is really sad if Jordan didn't know the glass half full idiom, but luckily Jeff seems to be a bit smarter, so if they have kids, hopefully it'll even out. Hoping Dom comes back!

  11. I have a bad feeling it will be Brendon returning as well. All of the JeJo fans will vote for him to return. Maybe Rachel will get drunk at the halfway party and completely piss everyone off and they will evict her, Brendon won't know he's competing against her (it'll be a timed event they do separately) and he will beat her. He will see who he beat and start bawling. Rachel will cry, too. And say Brendon how could you, they will both be so distraught that they both leave the show together.

  12. I tried to help you with your spell...

    I went on a world tour and scraped glitter from the Vatican archways in Rome, and swept glitter from Carnival, swam deep off the shores of New Orleans for a fist full of glitter, and got a few queens eye makeup from San Francisco...and to seal the deal I broke into several suburban homes and stole glitter covered macaorni off of soccer moms fridges and made a potion...

    I Drank it, then I sat naked in a pool of gin and texted 2 to 81818.....yes I did all 10 votes for Cassi...


    I hope it helps...just trying to call the corners!

  13. I will be DONE with BB for the rest of this season if Brendon comes back.

  14. OMG Misty Dawn I was sooo hoping that Dom or Cassie would come back UNTIL you gave that scenario. I think I might pay money to see what you wrote played out.

    I am a big BB fan but I don't do the BBAD or the feeds - so I have been rather "in the dark" about the rest (and thank you for the info via the blog - I have caught up a lot tonight. I will say though as a BB TV viewer only I do not think the average TV viewer is at all under JeJo spell anymore. At least I hope they are not, as they seem transparent to me. I find them obnoxious bullies who are making this all wayyyy too personal since to them it seems to be all about "their love" and their chance to spend time together. Well guess what? You want all Summer together, then don't rely on a bunch of strangers to make it happen - plan it yourself & stay home.

    I think the fact that Jordan won & was allowed to come back already hinky and has never set well with me. Plus the veterans in general came in as a bunch of whiny ass people talking about their "disadvantage" of being targets all while coming in with at least one person they KNEW had their back - which the newbies never had. Whatever....I am thinking BB needs better casting. Lowan might not be terribly exciting, but at least I don't have to listen to his fits. As a SAHM of two little ones I am soooo over fits anyway - I don't want to tune in for them at night. I find it a huge turn off to see this bunch act like brats.

    II will say I found Kalia's kowtowing to all the bullying extremely disappointing. I thought she should have told Jeff he was a bully & that she wasn't going to not nominate him because he was going to threaten her. I would have told that overgrown playground bully what he could kiss.

  15. This estrogen loaded future of yours scares me deeply.

  16. I'm done. Its been fun,love your blog
    See ya next summer!

  17. NO WAY in hell America voted Brendon back - this game is fixed - I, too, am done!!!

  18. Im done as well this show is now rigged no way brendon had the votes.

  19. WOO HOO - Dani won HOH!!! There's still hope!!

  20. I Googled "Big Brother rigged" this morning. I found this article:

    I gave you a little shout out in my comment at 9:17am (8/12/11).

  21. Bitch, where you at???

    We miss yooooouuuu!