Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ass Menagerie

Moliere, or maybe it was Sonja Morgan, once said, "One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." In the land of hippos live the great hippofied hippo-y hipster hypocrites. Their names are Jeff & Rachel. Through the murky swamps, the bottles of Pro-Activ and the copies of Homophobic Monthly there is only one guiding force: hypocrisy. What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander (Oh Sheila) and what goes around actually does come around. You see, unless you're an Oldie, you're not allowed to play the game of Big Brother. You're not allowed to strategize, you're not allowed to compete and you're not allowed to get rid of wretched red-headed hosebeasts. Just kindly shut up and let the withering old veterans play the game they came to play. Sit in your corner dumbly wearing a "Floater" sign and only speak when spoken to. Poppycock! You may be good in competitions Rachel and you may be dumbly loved by America Jeff, but neither of you are invincible and, I'm sorry to say, but life's a bitch. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and the big question on everyone's mind is: who will she nominate? After what sounds like a really gross Have/Have-Not competition, we find Kalia in the HOH venting to Shelly about Jordan. You see, all along Jordan has sat around in a useless lump just wanting to get to Jury. But today, for some reason (PMS), Jordan has decided to play the game and Kalia is unthrilled about it. People have bent over backwards for Jordan to stay in the house and get to Jury with Jeff. In Kalia's mind, Jordan has already gotten what she wanted all along so why should she do Jordan anymore favors? Why, indeed! Kalia tells Shelly that her plan is to nominate Rachel and Jeff, but she won't cry if Rachel wins POV and Jeff goes home instead. Jeff's being a dick and he won't give Kalia the respect she feels she deserves as HOH by going up and talking to her.

Shelly asks Kalia if she's ever considered who her final four would be. Would she ever consider a group like Shelly, Kalia, Dani and Lawon. Kalia says sure. The conversation turns to their respective financial situations. It turns out that being the Carrie Bradshaw of relationship blogging isn't all that lucrative (Christ, I could've told her that) and Kalia has only $300 in her bank account. Shelly, on the other hand, lives comfortably and it wouldn't kill her not win the $500K. Shelly would be just as happy coming in 2nd or 3rd or 4th. As I've always felt that need has nothing to do with reality show competitions, I could care less if these gals are millionaires or on welfare. Just play the fucking game and be deserving. That's all I ask. Anyhow, the conversation ends with a flimsy sort of a final four deal intact. Sure, Daniele or Lawon aren't privy to the details of the final four deal, but Shelly is happy and when Coyote Ugly is happy the world burps tobacco.

Reluctantly, Jeff & Jordan make their way up to the HOH. I say "reluctantly" because Jordan thinks she has this entire week already figured out and going upstairs to talk to Kalia is a waste of her time. In that little shriveled up thing she calls a brain, Jordan assumes that Daniele is pulling Kalia's HOH strings and that this is the week she'll be able to finally get Jeff out of the house. As much as I'd love for Daniele to be in charge again, she's not. Not at all. Kalia is running this ship all by herself and getting Jeff out of the house isn't her main priority. I suspect that Jordan has been infected by Big Red. I recommend a lethal dose of Cipro and a cornucopia of antibiotics to cure the infection. The sores will fester and stink, but don't scratch at them for fear of scarring.

So Jeff & Jordan enter the HOH and Jeff says he wants to know where Kalia's head is at. Kalia says that Jeff & Jordan are not her targets, but she wants someone in the POV competition that has a chance of winning. Her target this week is Rachel and Kalia wants to do anything she can to prevent Rachel from removing herself from the block. Nominating Jeff, so he'll get to play in POV, is an important part of the "Evict Rachel" plan. Well, this takes Jeff by surprise as he doesn't really want to be nominated. Jordan also doesn't react well because if Rachel wins, then Jeff is gone. Kalia says that's not necessarily true. She has other people she can nominate.

Jordan leaps out of her chair, tells Kalia that whomever gets evicted this week can come back into the house and that if Jeff leaves and returns, he'll be pissed. Oooohhhh scarrrrrry! Jeff is pissed off every second of the day. Who the fuck cares? Kalia reassures Jordan that Jeff is not her target. Jordan doesn't want to listen and has had about enough at this point. I couldn't figure out why Jordan was acting like such a bitch, but then I whipped out my black marble journal and quickly added some figures together. Jordan is PMSing right about now. Voila! It all makes sense. After some more angry hand waving and saying, "I knew it all along. I knew it all along.", Jordan storms out. Jordan is convinced that what Kalia is telling her is all a ruse. She's 100% certain that this is all part of Daniele's wicked plan to separate her from Jeff. Jordan, princess, you could not be more wrong.

So Jeff is left behind and now it's his turn to get all pissy. He tells Kalia she's making a big mistake and now she's his number one target. Kalia whines that he's not understanding her plan. Kalia, you don't have to explain shit to these assholes. Christ, at this point, I'd say go ahead and nominate both Jeff & Jordan. Those two mung beans deserve to be separated. Jeff continues by accusing Kalia of being overly influenced by outside sources. Ha! That's funny coming from a person also infected with Big Red sores. The gist of it is this: the Oldies get mad when they don't get their way. They had it easy for a month and now that they actually have to put forth some effort, they're not happy about it. To hell with all of them. That's what I say.

In the end, Kalia nominates Jeff & Rachel for eviction. Apparently, Kalia said some nasty things to Rachel in her speech and now Rachel is crying and writing MARTYR all over her face in red lipstick. Rachel's whole world is crumbling all around her. She lost her fiance, everyone is mean to her and now she's on the block. Hang on a sec. I've got to go get my violin. *slow melancholy tune plays* OK Rachel, continue. "I'm playing for second place! My fiance is gone! Who the hell do Dani and Kalia think they are?! Waahh waaahhh waaahhh! People keep stabbing me in the back! I have 50,000 knives in me! What did I do to deserve this??" *burble burble* Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I am so sick of these people bitching about floaters, bitching about HG's not playing the game, bitching about everything under the sun and then the second someone plays the game in a manner that doesn't suit their needs, they throw a hissy fit. This self-entitled bullshit was old in week one and it's even older here in week 85 (It has to be week 85, right? I swear this has been going on for an eternity.). Rachel, you're awful. No one likes you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can fade into oblivion and let your heavy-jawed fiance try to support you with the two nickles he's rubbing together.

Meanwhile up in the HOH, Kalia is flummoxed as to why everyone is mad at her. God, these people are so stupid. You can't nominate Rachel and Jeff and not expect them to react. I don't know why, but the Newbies never really reacted or even seemed to care when nominated. Well, the Oldies aren't like that. They're coddled and arrogant and hissy fits just come with the territory. Dani consoles Kalia by telling her that the nominees are just selfish and that she did so well in the last HOH competition. It's all bathed in ridiculousness. Kalia might be making a decent move, but she can't crumble the second one of her nominees gives her the stink eye. I'd be mad if someone nominated me. I'm sure Kalia would be mad if someone nominated her. Anger is part of the game. So is revenge. Tit for tat. Retaliation. The choices you make can either further your game or come back and bite you in the ass, but you've got to stand by them no matter what. I hate Rachel with a burning fiery passion, but you don't see her crying when she nominates someone. Kalia needs to man up.

Speaking of manning up, Shelly is doing some reconaissance in the Have-Not room with Jeff & Jordan. Both Jeff & Jordan are still incredibly pissy and they're due for a diaper change. Shelly is doing her bumper sticker "thang" when Jeff turns on her and questions her motives. He wants to know why Shelly told him yesterday that he was safe. He also accuses her of throwing the Have-Not competition (who the hell would ever do that?) to which Shelly becomes extremely offended. She can't believe he's questioning her loyalty.

Upset and on the verge of tears, Shelly explains to Jordan that all she's been doing all along is making sure that them two are safe. She tells them everything she finds out from the other side and, in turn, they pay her back by attaching themselves to a train wreck like Rachel. Go Shelly!She understands that Jeff is getting paranoid, but she also thinks they really need to stop listening to Rachel and the crap she's spewing. Jordan says they're only being nice to Rachel because Brendon is gone. I call bullshit. Bull. Shit. Jordan has been nice to Rachel all along. She indulges her in her dramas, believes her theories and has even begun acting like a self-entitled asshole herself. Rachel is like that monkey in Outbreak. She needs to be contained and kept away from the general public for fear of infection.

This brings us to BBAD where Shelly is in full blown tears. She's over the ridiculousness and she thinks everyone is acting like 3 years olds. She knows 7 & 8 year olds who are more mature than the people in that house. Shelly says the way Jeff said her name when he pulled it during the Have-Not comp was laced with an underlying cynicism. She says she knew in that moment that everything she's done for them has been for naught. She can't believe Jeff would accuse of throwing a competition. It's not her fault she's never seen a fucking yam in her life. Jordan covers her face with her hands and moans, "Oh Shelly." Oh shut up Jordan! Shelly is right. You guys are acting like petulant children. If there's one person who's been loyal to you, much to my chagrin I'll have you know, it's Shelly. The woman worships you guys. How can you not see that?

Jordan runs to get Jeff because, let's get real, Jordan can't deal with anything on her own. Jeff comes in and promptly calls Shelly stupid. Shelly wipes away her tears and seems to find her center again. She tells Jeff that by going around the house accusing random people of being Daniele's minions that he's essentially giving up. Jeff says he's not giving up at all and Shelly tells him, again, that it's fine that he's angry, but he can't go pissing off the entire house like he is. They talk about the Have-Not competition and there's a lot of talk about "shooting straight". Shelly calls herself a Trojan Horse and, actually, that's pretty accurate. She is kind of like a Trojan Horse. I'm bummed I didn't think of it first. Shelly cries some more and every lit cigarette across the planet went out with a sad deflated whimper. Shelly's a tough old broad and I have a feeling she doesn't cry much. These aren't fake Rachel tears. This is the real deal. Maybe Shelly is upset that the CBS Jeff & Jordan edit doesn't match the real life version. It's a heady thing when you realize the person you've looked up to is really just a heavily flawed bag of wind. You end up questioning yourself and your judgment. I get it Coyote Ugly. I get it.

I'm watching BBAD as I'm writing this so... Rachel in HOH with Kalia mumbling about how much she's a competitor... fast forward. She wants to win competitions.... fast forward. She wants to move forward with competitors... fast forward. Finally, she leaves! Not so fast. She corners Adam in the Storage Room and lectures him on how she's been in the game for 20 weeks and she's been fighting the entire time. Only 20? I was thinking more like 275.

I'm in a little bit of a hurry today so I'll end this with a conversation between Adam & Kalia. Adam is in the HOH and Kalia is telling him that she needs him to try for POV. She knows it's really easy for people without a target on their back to take prizes instead of trying, but she really needs him to try to win this week. He needs to start going into competitions thinking he'll win them. In between rubbing his sweaty feet in his sandals and then stroking his beard, Adam says he thought he did well in the spelling comp. Whatever Humpty Dumpty.

Kalia tells Adam that people in the house, the Oldies in particular, are annoyed with floaters and Adam could easily be seen as a floater (duh). Kalia implies that only she and Daniele are the ones doing the work for the Newbies by "creating diversions" while the rest of them just float by. Hold up there Kalia. You did nothing for like 3 weeks. It's fine that you're making a comeback, but let's not get carried away here. They discuss what the upcoming twist could be and neither of them believe it's as easy as the next evicted HG being immediately allowed to reenter the game. They wonder if it's maybe like when Rachel came back during BB12.

Kalia talks about appreciating the anger and passion in Jeff and I sigh knowing she's on another one of her "I love the sound of my voice" rants. When she's talking game, it's fine. I can accept it and I'll try to tolerate the valley girl accent. But when she's just talking to talk, it makes me a little insane. In the end, Adam says his goal is that a veteran does not win this game. That's all he cares about. He wants Kalia to understand that that includes Daniele as well. Daniele is still a veteran. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Whatever. Adam is a waste of space. He's nothing more than a poor casting choice. He'll go far, but that's only because he's too content not to do anything. I'll be surprised if he actually ever wins an HOH. His nonplaying skills rival that of Jordan. Oh my god, how much would it suck if Adam won BB13?

I'll leave you with that thought. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. hahaha lol Love your pic of the dreaded yam!
    Well someone help me, because I believe with a player coming back whom ever goes home "for real" this week does NOT go to jury right???? I may be confused but with ED gone and a return HG I think jury members will start next week.
    Loved it Lala!!!!

  2. Oh man, your venomous tirades make me happy!

  3. Terrific column as usual, Colette Lala !

    Hoping that the vets continue to get picked off, one by one, exception: Danielle!

    Wonder what the vets were smokin when they thought that Danielle and the newbies would just sit around waiting to be picked off, one by one!

  4. Love your post!

  5. My dream scenario would be to have ducklips be evicted.Then have to compete against Cassi. Cassi beats her ass!

    Cassi wins

    The two headed beast is finally banished from the BB house!

  6. God I am a slow study! How long has the poll been up? Cassi is REALLY ahead. Yeah! Thanks Bitch!
    Another great recap. J&J are absolutely fucking up. I hate it! Shelly is a snake but no one, neither vets or newbs, can accuse her of not playing the game when they watch their season. IF she makes it to the end, she will have a convincing speech to the voting jury. But as much as many of them say they will vote for the ones that played the game, you can't tell me Brenchel or even J&J for that matter would set their hurt little feelings aside and man up with their votes.

  7. I was really hoping Jeff would go this week. Because if a newbie makes it back into the house, JeffyPoo probably wouldn't go to jury, and then both Showmances would be split. The very thought of that makes my charcoal heart all a flutter.

  8. Perfect assessment, LaLa, loving every word of it!♥
    As for the comments, loving those, too, esp. leochild!!! ☻

  9. Well, Ms. LaLa, as always, you nailed everything regarding the BB House shenanigans once again!

    How dumb are these people who agree to come in to play this game, (and in the case of the vets, to do so TWICE),.. and not understand that there is no one strategy to playing & winning at this game?

    Just because you want to delude yourself into thinking that you're a more upstanding, righteous player, that isn't necessarily the case. Even if it were, that's not automatic means to assume you should win the competition.

    I'm convinced that ANYBODY that gets in the Big Brother game & then at some point, say's they're doing it for any other reason than the hopes of winning the $500,000 dollars is "FULL OF CRAP!!!" (,.. That, & of course, being on TV).

    I don't care what they're real life financial situation is, even if it's doing very well, they STILL want to win that money, as well as the title.

    I've lost track of how many times I've watched these people on BBAD having insipid conversations, breakdowns & hissy-fit accusatory fights, & I think; "Don't they ask the question of themselves"; "Why Am I In Here?" "What Did I Sign Up For This For?"


    I really hope Jeff goes out next & he doesn't come back in the house!!! Guy is really gettin' on my last nerve with the whole "Vets Are Self-Entitled Attitude Crap!"

    Like everyone else is just supposed to sit around & just accept whatever the vets decide should be done & how it oughta go down, & go along meekly with it!

    Like, "How dare you newbie's have the gumption of actually winning at something here & putting any of us vets up for eviction, and as a result,.. "Actually Playing The Game With Ambition & The Intention Of Winning!!!!"

    The Nerve!!!

    If all the vets go & don't come back ever again in ANY capacity, I'd be just fine with that!

    Enough of this dumb vet arrogant self-entitlement nonsense!

    Get em' all OUT!


  10. Sorry this is so long, but damn good post. Thank you for this update, since I was confused as to why Jeff and Jordan got so mad at Kalia. I knew she said she was putting up Jeff, but the updates that I read were kind of vague. If Kalia did really tell them her whole plan it seems ridiculous they'd get THAT mad. Sure they can get mad, thinking Dani is running the HOH isn't farfetched at all, but Jeff believing putting him on the block is like bombing a country is kind of insane. Also for the fact Jeff has told Kalia on numerous occasions (when the vets had power) Dani was going home! Kalia was going home! Why can't she do the same? Just a little? Even when he's not even the target?! Your first paragraph of course is completely and even frighteningly accurate. Cassi had bad game play for not teaming with the vets, Kalia has bad game play for not teaming with the vets, Dani has bad game play for leaving the vets. I'm seeing a pattern here. And I agree also, I'm sick of this fucking crying bull shit. Dani even fucking did it when she nominated B/R. Seriously??? They had a house meeting a week earlier calling her OUT! Why the fuck feel bad?? I can understand Kalia though. As you said, watching J/J on tv isn't the same as getting yelled at by Jeff in person. Sure when he drove Jessie and Chima out of the house the country cheered, but when you're hero yells at you in the same way, it's kind of a bummer. Fuck it, I'll just say I agree with everything. Espcially the Rachel is the monkey from "Outbreak" analogy, which is also frighteningly accurate. And hilarious. I know Dani is still a big target, but man if somehow she can get Dom back and stay friendly with JJ... she might win this.

  11. Again, the phrase I assume Lala intended to use is, "I could NOT care less," not, "I could care less if these gals are millionaires or on welfare."

    If you leave out the "don't" part, you convey the opposite of what you actually mean. Again, if you intend to mean that you do care, then just blog-slap me, but I imagine you don't care.

    How did this little phrase, which is soooo prevalent, get its meaning turned around with such regularity by the omission of a most pivotal word?

    Thanks again,
    The Phrase Fairy

  12. Kissing assness first: As always Ms. Lala you are always spot on, hysterical and enjoyable to read. Always having to remove the glitter when I go back to real life after reading this.
    On a side note I was so waiting in anticipation for you to comment about Rachel saying she's been on BB for 20 (275)weeks out of the "56 weeks of the year!" She said 56 weeks more than once to different people. Utterly baffling and so amusing at the same time.

  13. Oh, goodness.... Poor Shelly.... With Adam's 40th coming right up here, she is asked what she did for her 40th (being the only one anyone can ask in BB13) and although she has the perfect husband, the best husband, the perfect father, blah, blah, blah, she strains to even remember. Asked if she went to a nice dinner (assuming any even half-hearted husband would do that for their special lady), she said, "No." Luckily the conversation turned after the awkwardness of her 40th being sooooo incredible she can't even remember it.... Yeah, that's a perfect husband. I honestly find it hard to believe, still, each and every night on BBAD, that this person could really have a husband, as she talks more like one than most men. I'm just sayin'.

    Anon Two Cents

  14. OMG, all it takes is to look to a link to another BB blog/site (which I got from you, so don't be mad) to really make one appreciate this one! There are commenters, many of them there, that are cheering for JJ and Rachel, and HOPE Brendon comes back! WHAT!?!? Thanks for really "getting it" Lala, and I should say it more--we all should.... P.S. That GREAT shot at 10:19 PM-ish on BBAD, where Jordan is making raspberries on Jeff's stomach in the padded room where Rachel is "talking to Brendon" really really really looks like she's doing something else altogether! Which Jordan swears will not go on between the two of them in the house! Lala, you gotta use it! It's priceless!

  15. Every day Jeff becomes even more of a bullying a-hole. And now Jordan is starting to emote his behavior. Sad, sad, sad.... I really feel betrayed by them both this year. And they sit there and berate people who haven't done amything so far, when Jeff hasn't done shite for the most part. And it seems as if they don't understand this season that a bunch of people were NOT ALLOWED to do anything until their golden keys went back to their normal color. Why doesn't that occur to the vets, and why, really, why must the vets have been sooooo ARROGANT as long as they had power and now get their short hairs all tweaked when someone else is in power and then call THEM arrogant? Jordan has a heavy heart because others are acting only one half as confident as she and her master (Jeff) and Brenchel acted for a month! We all knew Rachel felt like it was her house, but now she has actually said it was her house. Good grief....

  16. After seeing this season...I really hope Jordan holds out on any commitment to Jeff. Me thinks the lil bit o fame got to his arrogant head.

  17. Love your commentary! I do disagree though--I am not so sure that Shelly didn't throw the have not competition. I am also from south Louisiana and yams are basically the state veggie!! I think Shelly is trying to play too many angles.