Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Spiky Wishes, Barbwire Dreams


Big Brother season 13 continues to lurch forward at a snail's pace. We know someday it will end. Someday it'll all be over. I can see it on my calendar, but I can't feel it in my soul. What if it never ends? What if the doors on the CBS backlot rust shut and no one else is allowed to enter or leave? I guess the bright spot in such a scenario is that they'd all eventually die of starvation. Actually, Kalia would turn cannibal and manage to make it a few extra months. Only Shelly could emerge triumphant and live through what is a seemingly hopeless situation. Our warrior princess, our leathery goddess, with her wits and survivalist instincts would smoke the grass in the backyard, use the bicycles to generate power, and shoot squirrels with a bow and arrow she fashioned out of lawn furniture and bedspreads. The spirit of a huntress, the heart of a puppy dog, that's our Shelly. Where others latched onto large and beefy male types to carry them through the game, Shelly did it all by herself. With words as her weapons she busted up alliances, flipped the house, saved HG's, ran HOH's that weren't even hers to begin with, and planted seeds that led to almost each and every eviction. This one's for you Shelly. You go girl. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll start with the POV ceremony. Rachel used the POV on herself & Jordan and Adam & Shelly have gone up in their place. *sigh* It's what Big Brother wanted. It what that late night meeting last Thursday was designed to accomplish. Allison Grodner sat at the head of a large conference table surrounded by empty bags of Cheetohs and pork rinds and demanded vindication for her secret love slave Jeff. The associate producers scrambled and mumbled things like, "How about a Platium Power of Return?", "What if last week was the Bizarro week and Jeff really isn't evicted at all?", "Or maybe we pretend the Jury House and Jeff are made of rubber and Jeff bounces right back into the game?" They were all good ideas, but none of them were subtle enough for AG's liking. If they couldn't bring Jeff back, then the next best thing would be to keep Jordan in the game for as long as possible. With Jordan out of the picture, Allison can take that 8X10 Jeff glossy out of her pants and replace it with Little Jeff himself. So instead, they tempted Porsche with something they knew she could never turn down - images of alcohol - and voila! Mission accomplished.



Shelly kind of knows the jig is up. She could be angry at BB, she could be angry at Porsche, but instead she's sitting in the BY soaking up some rays and shooting the shit with her fellow HG's. I don't know how she keeps her cool. If that were me, I'd have strangled Porsche and thrown her lifeless body over the wall for an unsuspecting Bold & Beautiful actor to discover on their way back to set. Instead, our mahogany princess sat with a smile on her face and accepted her fate with grace and dignity. Maybe she was planning. Maybe she was plotting. The one thing I love about Shelly is her stealth. All of her decisions are made without our knowledge. Viewers can only sit and wait to see how she'll carry out her plans. Will she kill everyone with kindness? Will she mindfuck Kalia within an inch of her life? We don't know! And that's what makes her so fun to watch. Where the other HG's are fairly easy to read, Shelly is the only one who always keeps me on my toes.



While Shelly was outside nurturing relationships with her fellow HG's, Kalia and Porsche were up in the HOH looking very sad and forlorn - as they should be! As much as I hate Big Brother for butting in this week, I know this was all ultimately Porsche's fault. Suzuki had a perfectly pristine week sitting right in front of her. Everything was neat and tidy. It was all wrapped up with a big pretty pink bow. She won two competitions back to back and this was finally her week to shine. All she had to do was shun Pandora's Box, nominate both Rachel & Jordan, and then send one of them out the door. Instead, she stuck her hands into a giant pile of stinking poo and smeared it all over herself. Why, for the love of god, WHY, does anyone take a Pandora's Box at this stage of the game?!? Pandora's Box is never good. Even when it rained money, Kevin got screwed. Christ, Matt even blew his Diamond Power Of Veto on Kathy. Kathy! Now you listen up future houseguests, never ever ever open a Pandora's Box. It's BB's way of meddling in the game. It's not to help you. It's to push their story forward. Pandora's Box helps Big Brother and Big Brother only. Etch that on the inside of your skulls. You may need it someday.


Upstairs Kalia & Porsche are using their painted beans to run through various scenarios. Kalia states very authoritatively, "We can't let Rachel win any endurance competitions." Uh, duh. You bitches can't let Rachel win anything. The second Rachel wins is the second one of you numbskulls is going home. Kalia continues and says that Shelly needs to go home this week. In lieu of King Flip Flop, Kalia, in her infinite wisdom, thinks Shelly should be going home next. I'm stunned that at this stage of the game, Kalia actually believes Adam won't flip again. More on this later, but here's a spoiler - HE FLIPS AGAIN.



The afternoon continues on lazily enough. All seems quiet. All seems peaceful. Jordan is sleeping (again!) and Rachel tiptoes into the room and wakes her up. It turns out that Big Brother finally gave her a pregnancy test and the results are in. (Note: I take full credit. I tweeted Grodner myself that they should give Rachel a test.) While I sat making adjustments to the infant's baby hat I was knitting (I added two slots at the top for the baby's horns to fit neatly into), Rachel whispers, "I took the test. It's negative." Jordan rolls over and mumbles, "Good. One less thing to stress about." Rachel confesses that she would have been happy either way and at home I began to angrily throw yarn balls all around the room.



Yes, Rachel's child would have had the horns of Satan and a penchant for fresh kitten's blood, but I had already grown to love that little demon. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these handpainted baby bottles that say "TEQUILA" on them? No other baby in the world, but Rachel Reilly's would have any use for them. And what about the black baby booties with the rusted spikes on the end? It wasn't easy ripping those off of the gates of the local church you know. The bibs with witty phrases like, "Feed me bitch or I'll claw your eyes out!" and "666" bedazzled on them are useless now. Useless! All that hard work for nothing. I'll be sending you a bill Rachel Reilly. I don't think Babys-R-Us will take back the crib I've already outfitted with barbed wire and gargoyles, do you?!

After ripping up the baby shower invitations written in Ancient Enochian and canceling the Satanic priest I booked to oversee the baptism, I checked back into the house in search of anything to lift my spirits. What do you suppose I found? Adam, that pile of uselessness, was in the Have-Not room with Jordan doing what Adam does best - FLIPPING. If you'll remember, last week he pledged his solemn allegiance to Kalia & Porsche. Now, only days later, we find him saying the same exact thing to Jordan. Adam is hands down the biggest casting mistake in Big Brother history. Lawon was pretty bad, but I'll go out on a limb and say that Adam is even worse. At least Lawon got mad when he was mad. At least Lawon picked a side. Adam's balls still haven't dropped and I have yet to see the guy express emotion. He's an insult to hardcore Big Brother fans. I know I'd be horrible at this game - I don't hide my emotions very well - but at least I'd be entertaining. Let me put it this way, Rachel's unborn unfertilized baby is more entertaining than Adam has ever been. I could write about little Damien until the end of time. He's full of personality and would drink Adam's blood for breakfast. Adam would sit and smoke and there tiny Damien would be gnawing on his jugular. Let's hope the test was a false negative and demon children take only a week to gestate. Damien for the win!



So Jordan tells Adam that he needs to pick a side once and for all. Adam tells Jordan he's with her 100%. He tells her if they keep him in the house this week that he will be indebted to her next week. Jordan warns him that he better not flip again and Adam swears he won't (rrrrrright). Adam continues and says he doesn't think anyone will take him to the final two anyways. Jordan says in no uncertain terms, "Don't be too sure about that." She then insinuates that if given the opportunity, she'd take Adam over Rachel to the end. Oh sweet fancy Moses. Can you imagine a Jordan/Adam final two? I think I'd have to kill myself. I'm already having a hard time justifying putting my life on hold for this season, but a Jordan/Adam final two?!? Oh hell no. Hell to the no. Look, it would pain me to see Rachel walk away with any cash whatsoever, but I'd much rather see her win first or second over these two poundcakes. Jordan slept half the summer away and I'm surprised Adam has a pulse to speak of. A Jordan/Adam final two would be the worst possible outcome which, because nothing on this show ever goes my way, is most likely a certainty now. I've learned to expect the worst from season 13. That way I can never be angry and maybe, just maybe, there's an opportunity for some pleasant surprises.



The only person left, truly deserving of a win, is Shelly. She's the singlehanded warrior, the savvy cowgirl, the slithering soldier. She's getting a raw deal in the house and an even more raw deal outside of the house. I'm sad a summer that should have been fun for both her and her family is ending on such a sour note. After all, this is just a game show. Unfortunately, I think Shelly's time is up. It took almost 60 days, but the rest of the house is finally piecing together that Shelly has been the BB13 mastermind all along. She had a good run and I'll be heartbroken to see her go. She was an early favorite who caught my attention the first second I saw her mosey across that backyard with a ciggy hanging out of the side of her mouth. She lulled houseguests into a false sense of security, she deflected targets like Wonder Woman with her magic cuffs, and she mindfucked just about everyone in that house at one point or another. This bitch will miss you Shelly. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'll be back on Friday to discuss our new HOH. I need to step away for the rest of the week. Jeff's half-hearted smartass nonapology for his homophobia, Kalia saying she threw her dog against a wall, and the disgusting death threats being made against an innocent little girl make it extremely hard to want anything to do with this show anymore. What used to be fun has turned gross. What used to be all encompassing now makes me cringe. This entire season is a bust. Grodner needs to retire and a new E.P. should take over and breathe new life into the game we all used to love. I want to be addicted again. I want to get excited. I want to feel like my time hasn't been wasted. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!



Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

38 comments:

  1. "This entire season is a bust. Grodner needs to retire and a new E.P. should take over and breathe new life into the game we all used to love. I want to be addicted again."

    You're totally right BB13 has turned into a total mess :(

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  2. I agree that it has been going downhill. I love this game/show and want to be addicted again. I don't even watch After Dark if I am up. Well said sister!

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  3. Great blog (the entire summer). It's so sad to see how this season has deteriorated inside and outside the house. The OBB site that I also love has been taken over by JJ stalkers / whackjobs who take these outcomes way too seriously. Some of those nuts think that Shelley's hubby must be lying about the death threats....seriously. I can't understand why fans (and cast-members) get so mad when somebody lies...THAT'S THE GAME. Inside the house the rules and morals of the real world don't apply...and that's ok because it's a tv show. Unfortunately, there are alot of dumb people in this country who don't get that. One last point...this was the most inept,incompetent, uncharismatic, illogical, uninteresting group of HG'S ever. Dani and Shelley to me were the only 2 who got the game and how to play it...they did not succeed, but at least they tried and made it interesting while they did. I'd rather see Rachel/Porshe f2 than Adam/Kalia/ Jordan combo.

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  4. Girl thanks for powering through and becoming the only consistent bright (yet thoroughly bitchy) light this season.

    When did Kalia say she threw her dog against a wall? Who does that?

    I think Rachel wants to keep Shelly but Jordan knows there's no way she can beat her. We'll see who prevails. I'm crossing my finger that Rachel does (bleck I just vomited in my mouth saying that) in this one case. My expectations are low.

    Good work, CL.

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  5. I completely agree with you :( I'm not sure what the ratings have been this season, or the last few...but if they've been decent, we're not going to see any major changes to the game or the people running the show. I want to be addicted again too!!

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  6. Yep, sad to say it but the show has earned the new motto of: Big Brother, expect the unacceptable. In my opinion this summer is better than last, but the show in general has never recovered from the Season 9 debacle. As for Shelly, I had hopes when she pulled off the Kalia mesmerization; but since then she has obviously partaken of her own Kool Ade. This leaves me with only the fish to root for. They are doing better this season than ever before, and they are all NEWBIES!!! Not to mention they have fewer scales than Shelly or Adam. So once more I will sadly go trudging off into September muttering to myself, "There is always next season," but believing it less and less each year.

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  7. ,..... And just when Porsche was starting to be appreciated for her game play instead of her big ample assets! Bad move with that Pandora's Box opening,... but, as pointed out, that's what BB production wanted for an excuse to salvage J&R.

    You're right again,.... This season IS a bust, & I'm sorry to see Shelly go. Really think she totally ruled in this game over everyone else.

    This whole chain of unfortunate events was jump started by Kalia during her first HOH.

    I hope Jordan doesn't win another $500,000 again,... but, I also hope Kalia or Adam win it either.

    What a drag this has been. The only good thing about this season was/is your Bitchy blog.

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  8. Kalia said she threw her dog against a wall?? I missed that. Maybe she should marry Michael vick who just got a $100 million contract to make up for all the sofa he drowned and slammed to the ground. She is disgusting. I really don't like anyone on the house...not even shelly. I just don't like the way she attacked people for having the gall of thinking that she's actually doing what she's really doing. This season is over for me and has been since the day I saw brenchel.walk back into the house. It's just no fun anymore. Thanks, ag for ruining yet another summer with shitty casting and game interference. You suck, ag.

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  9. Anyone with horns is u cause u going to hell

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  10. Kalia threw her dog against the wall? Jeff half-
    heartedly apologized? Someone catch me up. I didn't know about either of these events.

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  11. They should just cut a check for Jordan and rachael now. WASTE OF A SEASON

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  12. As always CL, your blog does not disappoint...well maybe a little, because this last one is a little short! I understand why..>pours 2 shots of Patron< \~/ \~/ 1 for you CL, 1 for me. ::::cheers to Shelly for giving it a good effort:::: (except for the part of not owning it...) Maybe it is the Patron, but being the situation as it is now, I hope Rachel wins, then maybe she can use the money to help her with her wedding, and her 5 year supply of Pro-Active.

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  13. "BB13: Complete and Utter Disaster." That's the name for this season. The 13 is very appropriate. When we all thought the 13 would be unlucky for the house guests, we should have figured it'd be for US instead. And oh boy is it! Just when Jeff is evicted, Porsche wins an amazing HOH, and Rachel and Jordan are about to meet their fates, crying and moaning about wanting to go home, and a star twinkled in the sky.... a fat ugly bitch had to mess with the game once again. I'm talking about Grodner, and her disgusting lackies. Even if Porsche hadn't opened Pandora's box, I'm sure they had something else planned up their asses. Like uh... the Fortune Teller! "Oops House Guests, the Fortune Teller just said everyone is duos again!" See, it's not hard. They cast these people to roll over and die. Dom, Cassi and Keith were just for show. The rest were coal for a fire. But wait, what's this? Dani and Jeff are gone? Only Rachel and Jordan are left? Well, can't have that! Shelly clued in, wanting to win the game for herself. That was never supposed to happen. She was supposed to commit seppuku if JJ didn't make it to the Final 2. Pretty sure the Shelly hate was growing so much with JJ Fans CBS execs feared for their lives. Logical move? Give Porsche a Box that would end up getting rid of Shelly in the end. Jeff wanted Shelly out next, and what Big Jeff wants, Big Jeff gets. I mean, who wants the last real smart game player in the house? Yeah, worst season ever. Last hope is Porsche, since Kalia still won't put up Jordan. And I agree, I'd rather see Rachel in the 500k, would go with the whole 13 thing again. Hell, she could have Rosemary's baby, you think Beelzebub's child comes up on any regular pregnancy test?

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  14. I love your blog! CBS will chose the winner and we will be stuck with it! Jordan will be coached to win the HOH or Rachel! I think Porche,Kalia and Adam are goners!
    Horrible cast...no eye candy for the women..except those 2 hasbeens Brendan & Jeff! Totally agree on the "Fake romance"...the HOH of Jeff's was beyond even faking...no chemistry what so ever...nothing but bullying from Jeff!
    Lisa G.

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  15. Maybe an "America Hates Alison Grodner" page should be made....then maybe she will get a taste of her own medicine and resign.

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  16. Don't care who wins... exception: dimwitted, sense of entitlement Jordan...

    whole show is contrived... fix was in the minute the 6 vets entered the building...

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  17. Great stuff. I only wish you wrote more often. Great writing combined with truth is always a joy.

    jdoe

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  18. I only read your blog and don't even watch the show anymore b/c I am so disappointed with this season. Bring the duos back is such an obvious ploy by the producers to hand pick the winner. It's pointless to have a game of strategy fall into a popularity contest. Boo!

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  19. I hate this show. I love this blog.

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  20. I make it a point to never agree with you mostly because like Kalia you're always wrong. But like a broke Koo-Koo clock you're right this one time! Beginning with their all out mind fuck of Shelly to try and save Dani resulting in Dani and Jeff being evicted, then Pandora's Box to try and fix their screw up, Production has messed up the season. They do need to get rid of Grodner, maybe they could lock her and Kalia in a room with only one candy bar. I think Kalia could take her but she would have to kill her I mean it is a whole candy bar!

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  21. LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!

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  22. You are so right, this has been a sad season. I want Shelly to stay, but she wont, and sadly for her safety, its better this way. I will say this JJ have ruined this show for me. First, I hated them on their season, and Jordan winning and saying its because she played a clean game. WTF? this is BB, nothing is clean in BB. Everyone loved the blonde dumb ass, and I got tired of saying, blondie sucks. Then this year with all the crazy JJ fans, and the twist to help JJ along. This year is awash.

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  23. great blog!

    First season ever I didnt single somebody out to root 4 I flipflopped & rooted for best game moves week by week

    going to admit I lovedJ&J on bb11 after show it went to like I liked them going into this season to thinking Jeff is stil good looking but sorry to say I hope to never see J&J on bb again so much so I take Rachel back over them in a heartbeat OMG I just said that

    Nobody will ever convince me Shelly did have the best gameplay without wining comps No one came close to her

    Krystal

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  24. When did kalia say this? Can I get a flashback time? I have to see it so I can hate her more. Oh and on my earlier post....sofa = dogs. Damn autocomplete. Kalia is sitting here as we speak making fun of people that care about their dogs. What a heartless lunatic.

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  25. Typo I meant to say nobody will even convince me that Shelly didnt have best gameplay out of newbies

    if had to pick somebody from this season to do allstars I pick Shelly in a heartbeat

    Krystal

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  26. I see where death threats were sent to Shelly's family because she evected Mr. wonderful. Can you believe this, what a joke. Oh would I love to see Jordan and horse face evected. But of course one of them is going to win.

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  27. Couldn't have said it better, Prettyplainjo.
    I'm not counting Shelly out the door until I see her boney ass walk through it. She's now planting seeds of doubt regarding maybe having a power. You go girl. There are a few of us out here that love ya.

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  28. I'll miss Shelly for her white trash suburbia nonsense. I live around a bunch of Shellys and having on on tv means one less Shelly in my neighborhood.

    Everyone's deal is they overplayed. Cassi overplayed, Dominic overplayed, Jeff did it, Daniele did it, and now Shelly is the overplayer in the spotlight. You can make the same claim with my girl Porsche with pandora's box.

    Kalia has to win the enxt HoH or BB13 becomes Jordan and Rachel's tiara moment.

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  29. Big Brother, please install cameras in the jury house and give us a choice - watch the house guests or the jury guests. Guess one would win in a landslide and what that means for your reality show?

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  30. Someone (like you) should make a post about Kalia and her animal abuse. She is openly talking about throwing her dog against the wall and then last night she said that if it were drowning she wouldn't save it.

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  31. You can read my comments about Kalia the dog killer on Twitter. I just did a little rant about it. Thanks for the heads up.

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  32. I just discovered this site today. And you are one funny bitch! I will be heartbroken likewise if Shelly leaves. With everything that has been happening outside the house and with a game strategy that is undoubtedly the way to go to win a game like this, I have been rooting for Shelly to win and bring home the prize money for her beautiful family.

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  33. This entire season was a waist of time. I find myself, (last season, and this season)hoping that BB will come back and be great again. I wish for Mike boogeys, Dr. Wills, and Shellys all the time. What used to have me up all night watching BBAD, and reading blogs like this and joker is no longer even tickling my no-no anymore(with the exception of your blog of course).

    Basically, Shelly should totally be the one staying over Adam, but you are right; her time is up. Datsun should never have opened Pandora's box with her greedy fat butt....but she did. If I have to sit here and watch Adam death metal scream his big butt to the finals I will scream. Trust me, I already know I will be screaming. I am drinking my lemon and honey tea in preperation for this Hot mess Train wreck that is to come in another two weeks.

    Great blog, and I totally agree with everything you said. Sad, but true.

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  34. ok... Im a Jordan fan... too bad..I want Jordan and Rachel in the final 2. I want Rachel to win the 1/2 mil. idc what ya think... I don't like how Shelly did what she did then didn't own it. just like I don't like the "preaching "I'm not a liar" that she constantly did... "We make Josie write 100 times, I will not lie..." blah, blah... I'm furious that a 41 yr old Mother would take Rachel's damn stuffed animal... It's the principle of it! The game is about manipulation & lying but secretly ... it took a while ... it took too long... but her gig is up... Peace out leatherface, I'm thrilled..... BUT... I am 100% disgusted at the people who threatened her kid. Disgusted they tormented her family.... her job... all that shit just pissed me off big time.... and as a Mom, I know that IF I was in that house I think I would totally flip the fuck out not knowing that someone was fucking with my family over a damn game...OMG, I can't even imagine when she finds out... OMG...

    and I 100% agree that Allison should loose her job, she sucks... Porsche, Adam & Kalia SUCK...

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  35. I'm glad I didn't waste $30 watching these lame turkeys on feeds. Big Brother 13 is the worst season ever.
    It is my last and final hope that, that useless sack of shit Jordan doesn't see a dime. Of the gruesome twosome she is the LEAST deserving just based on game play. Jordan is dead weight...dead weight with a bald spot. Stop pulling on your hair! Ducklips is still a shitty person but she is a better fighter.

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  36. Does it hurt your head when people write incoherent comments on your blog? Just wondering...

    I decided last night that if Big Red makes it to the final two, she deserves the money. Bitch is a survivor is she makes it to the end. I can't stand her ass but she's played well if she makes it. Or rather she's played better than these dumbasses that won't vote her out. KALIA!!! DAMN YOU! If she hadn't done that hairbrained move with Lawon, can you imagine how much better the summer would've been. *sigh* Why lament what might have been?? Fingers crossed, pigs fly and they vote to keep Shelly tonight.

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  37. At this point if anyone who Jeff and Jordan don't want to win, wins, I would be ecstatic. Those two are the biggest flukes in BB history. Jeff is really not that good of a game-player, unless you count bullying, and Jordan has done absolutely nothing on her own (let's remember that her only competition win this season was handed to her). Porsche and Kalia have won competitions (although Kalia has no spine), and Shelly has been the best strategist. Rachel I guess is deserving from a competitive standpoint, but her social game is terrible, and I just can't stand her face or voice. Adam is basically the fat, male version of Jordan, except with less of an ego and no sense of entitlement, so I root for him over Jordan.

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  38. Let's pretend Jeff is there instead of Jordon. Jordon is a cute southern belle with a soft voice. Put Jeff's face on what Jordon is doing with Adam. I'd be calling him a bully only interested in furthering himself by demanding Adam do his bidding. Now put Jordon's face back. She is a bully, demanding the same of Adam. If K wins HoH & Adam goes back to P&K, so be it.
    I listened to Adam late last night talking to himself. When he finally got to his review of his interaction w/Jeff, his memory conveniently faded. He didn't mention how gruff Jeff was with him. How Jeff would jump down his throat & attribute what Jeff misstakenly was thinking was Adam's agenda. Often, he would not let Adam finish a thought & seemed to get Adam to discount his own ideas. Adam seemed to cowtow to Jeff to calm Jeff down.

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