Saturday, August 27, 2011
Deep down we knew. We knew the fairness, the equality, and the tide turning wouldn't last. There's a giant curly haired wizard (not to be confused with the leathery goddess wizard) behind the Big Brother curtain and she's out for vengeance. With an 8X10 glossy of Jeff Schroeder stuffed down her enormous pants, Allison Grodner yanks on pulleys, presses random buttons on the smoke machine, and goes through bag after bag of pork rinds thinking of ways to save what she thinks is her ratings goldmine. Rules be damned! The evil puppet master can only grind herself against that glossy for so long. She wants the real thing. She needs golden boy (and his idiot sidekick) in the house so she can sit in her giant office with her Funyun fingers and fondle herself. What Ms. Grodner doesn't realize is that she's already sitting on a ratings bonanza. It starts with "De" and ends with "Mon". It's a demon child brewing in the oven and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why this hasn't been addressed and turned into a plot line. Let's recap, shall we?
It's a new day in this house of tears and overnight Jordan has morphed into a preteen girl who gives her parents the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. It's morning and Shelly is in the kitchen. Jordan walks in and Shelly says, "Good morning Jordan." Jordan turns around and walks away in silence. A bastion of maturity she is! I wanted Shelly to slap her across the face in that moment and tell her to go to her room and not come out until she's prepared to act like an adult. I also wanted Shelly to smack her in the ass with a wooden spoon, but we can't all get what we want, can we?
Here's the thing: deep down Jordan knows that what Shelly did was indeed the best thing for her game. Jordan's phony bohunk boyfriend ruined any chance of getting Shelly's vote when he yelled and mocked her right before Thursday's live show. Jordan knows this. She's dumb, but she's not that dumb. If someone yelled at her and embarrassed her in front of the entire house, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go and vote for that person to stay. Jeff fucked up and Jordan isn't smart enough or savvy enough to deal with the aftermath. So, like a petulant child without her binky, Jordan refuses to acknowledge the fact that Jeff screwed up and instead, she stomps around the house moping hoping someone somewhere will care.
Jordan goes to Rachel and tells her the only way they'll be able to stay in the game is if they get a special power. Hearing this I was angry that Jordan would so flagrantly want the game to bow down and kneel in her direction. Why should special powers be invented for the sole purpose of saving them? Where's the fairness in that? Where's the strategy and the purity? I should have known then that something was on the horizon. Instead, I ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and checked in on what Porsche was up to.
In the backyard, Shelly, Porsche, and Kalia are going over whether or not they should put Adam on the block. Porsche tells the others that they better not lose HOH next week. Shelly says that if Rachel or Jordan wins HOH next week, then she is the number one target. Kalia, not wanting a moment in time to pass without her voice molesting it, chimes in and says that she is the number one target because she put Jeff on the block. Shelly replies, "I guaranteed I'm the target." She's right. Jordan's ire is like a heat seeking missile and Shelly is like a nice and toasty campfire.
The conversation turns to whom Porsche should nominate. Porsche is trying to run the meeting, but Kalia is again raping the air with her voice. Over and over again, incessantly, Kalia just won't shut up! Porsche would say, "Here's what we should..." and then in jumps Kalia, "This is what we should do." Porsche would try to continue, "I'm thinking of nominating..." and then in pops Kalia, "This is who we should nominate." Since I think we can all agree that Kalia is the WORST HOH in Big Brother history (*ahem* Lawon *ahem*), I'd prefer Kalia was in a corner somewhere eating her feelings rather than trying to run Porsche's HOH. I realize her dopamine levels are back to normal this week, but I think I prefer self-sabotaging-face-first-into-a-bag-of-pita-chips Kalia rather than know-it-all Kalia.
So the big question is whether or not Porsche should just go ahead and nominate Jordan & Rachel right off the bat. The target this week is Rachel and Porsche is concerned that she could win POV and remove herelf from the block. Porsche's other option is to nominate Jordan & Adam. She (or whichever one of them wins POV) will remove Adam and put up Rachel in his place. They run the plan by Adam and, like me, his reaction is pretty much, "Hell no. What the fuck?!" It's way too risky to not nominate Jordan & Rachel from the get go. If you nominate Jordan & Adam and Rachel wins POV, she'll remove Jordan and then Shelly is definitely going home. The risk far outweighs the alternative - Rachel winning and removing herself meaning Jordan goes home. Who cares who goes home this week from the Oldies side just as long as one of them goes home!
Adam airs his concerns, but Kalia & Porsche are convinced that Rachel or Jordan won't win POV. They think Rachel will crumble under pressure and they're certain Jordan can't win anything without Jeff there to help her. Again, why take the risk if you don't have to? At this point in the game, Jordan is equally as threatening as Rachel is - if not more so. Let's all remember how Jordan won BB11 in the first place. She was perceived as a nonthreat and ended up getting carried right to the end. With a Jury stacked with Oldies, it's much too dangerous to let her linger in the house. I know Porsche thinks taking her to the end is a way to keep her from voting, but it's also a way to hand her the entire game yet again. It's frustrating to watch the Newbies go back and forth over what should be a no brainer.
Meanwhile back in the confines of the Starburst Room, Rachel is becoming more and more concerned that she's pregnant. She's felt this way since last week and I never brought it up because her math was off and it hadn't been 4 weeks yet since her last period. But, now, as more time passes and Rachel confirms that sex took place without birth control, what was once a stab in the dark (ha!) now holds a teeny tiny bit more weight. Apparently, Rachel asked the DR for a pregnancy test, but they won't give her one. Now you listen to me CBS. I've been wanting a Big Brother baby since this whole crappy show started. If I'm finally getting one (that will probably be named Damien and kill us all in our sleep), I want to know about it! There are plans that need to be made, underground bunkers to be built, and a giant steel fence to erect around my house. I know for a fact that baby will emerge with a full head of hair, pointy eyebrows, and sharp nails. It'll take it's first breath while twirling it's moustache and demanding pig's blood instead of Similac. This will be a child of the corn and according to my calculations his arrival next April gives it enough time to wipe us out by December 21, 2012 - the end of the world as we know it. If Rachel still hasn't gotten her period by next week, we go into panic mode my dear readers.
The morning continued peaceful enough, but one thing was amiss. Porsche was locked out of her HOH and rumors of a Pandora's Box were rampant. A Pandora's Box at this point in the game means only one thing: keep Jordan safe. Know-it-all Kalia doesn't think it's a Pandora's Box at all. She says they still have to do nominations today and there's simply no time for a Pandora's Box to take place. Since shutting up isn't an option, Kalia continues pontificating on what if it was a Pandora's Box. If Jeff or Brendon came back into the game, she doesn't think they'd be there to play. She says they could spend their enire time yelling at her for all she cares. As long as they have no impact on the game, she's fine with them coming back. Rrrrright. First off, Shelly is the one Jeff would yell at and, secondly, when people come back they absolutely have an effect on the game (i.e. Rachel's pretzel note). Kalia is just talking to talk. That what she does best. She kills with words. Forget about that demon child, Kalia might just beat him to the punch and suck all the oxygen out of the atmosphere.
Well, like everything else in her life, Kalia was wrong about Pandora's Box. It did happen and that knucklehead Isuzu (I change her name when I'm angry with her) went ahead and opened it. Apparently, there were bottles of champagne and a gold box for Hyundai to choose from. She thought she'd be locked into the secret room where she could chug two bottles of champagne all by herself. Instead, Datsun won $5000 for her and Kalia and the blasted duos are back. The new duos are Porsche/Kalia, Adam/Shelly, and Rachel/Jordan. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Kalia was angry Chevy opened Pandora's Box while Adam tried to stay positive saying this has no bearing on the game.
As Adam is the most useless player in the game, he could not be more wrong. This puts a giant monkey wrench in everything. Now, if Jordan/Rachel are nominated and they manage to save themselves (which, let's face it, the POV will be designed for precisely this to happen), Ford will be forced to nominate Adam/Shelly meaning Shelly will most definitely go home. No wonder Adam isn't concerned about it! He's safe no matter what happens. What infuriates me most about this is you KNOW Allison and her minions sat up all night thinking of ways to keep Jordan & Rachel in the game. This whole thing feels last minute and spontaneous. It reeks of meddling. It's no secret that BB has tried to influence the game in the past, but it's become a farce at this point. There's no sanctity anymore. The purity of the game no longer exists. CBS executives clearly have their favorites and what used to be subtle manipulation is now a flagrant joke. I'm disappointed because not even smarts and savvy are enough anymore. The direction of the game depends on whether or not a curly-haired puppet master has the hots for you. It's gross and fake and I hate it.
Immediately after opening Pandora's Box, Volvo regrets it. Shelly tries to tell her it's totally fine and that now she has $5000 she didn't have before. Subaru worries that she just took $5000 over $50 or $500K. At home I punched myself in the face and screamed, "Why, why, whyyyy?!" Why did Toyota open that damn box?!? She should have taken one look at it and then walked away. It's her own fault. She made a dumb ass mistake and now we're all paying for it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Jordan or Rachel still goes home, but watching this game for as long as I have and knowing what I know, I am lacking in optimism at this point.
Conversely, Jordan & Rachel are thrilled - as they should be. Who wouldn't be thrilled knowing the game is bending to their every whim? Rachel excitedly tells Jordan that now they have a fighting chance. All they need to do is win POV. Meanwhile, Camry is worried that if Jordan/Rachel do win that Adam will flip again. It's the only thing he's good at. Flip flop, flip flop. She warns Adam that Jordan & Rachel will be working him hard. Adam tells her she has nothing to worry about. I, for one, don't believe him for one second. I think he'll flip in a heartbeat and I also think he'll cruise right into the final 3 - perhaps the final 2. It's nauseating to think that in an Adam/Shelly or Adam/Kalia final two, Adam would probably win. Scary, isn't it?
Skipping forward to BBAD, we find Jordan & Rachel in the HOH room with Porsche & Kalia trying to make a deal. Jordan initiated it all by saying something along the lines of, "I've never talked game with y'all before because I've never talked game in the past." What the hell is she talking about? "Wull, umm, uhh Jayeff, wull." Oh shut up you idiot. That twang drives me insane. Jordan continues and tries to make a treaty. She says the other side got rid of Brendon & Jeff and her side got rid of Dani so, in her mind, they're even. Now, I'm not a genius. I'm not a rocket scientist and I don't have a PhD on my wall, but correct me if I'm wrong here.... Brendon + Jeff = 2 people. Dani = 1 person. According to what I learned when I was about three years old, 2 and 1 are not equal values.
Rachel interrupts and goes on her floater rant. She thinks both Shelly & Adam are floaters and she wants them out sooner rather than later so that Jordan/Rachel/Porsche/Kalia can be in the final four. I take issue with anyone calling Shelly a floater. She hasn't won anything yet, but her social game has been pretty stellar. She got information from both sides of the house, managed to keep Rachel off the block when Kalia was HOH, and is the reason Jeff is sunning himself at the Jury House right now. She may not be likable to some and she may not side with your favorites, but I don't think anyone can say Shelly hasn't been playing since day one.
Jordan gets up to leave the HOH, but Rachel isn't ready to go yet. Jordan tries to shove Rachel out the door, but Rachel doesn't budge. She has more to say and it's basically a bunch of b.s. about how she's honest and will tell you straight to your face what she's thinking. Somewhere an angel plummeted to it's death in that moment. RIP sweet angel. The whole grody scenario ends with Kalia happy. She's always happy when she feels like the Oldies are somewhat on her side. This is what makes her such a shitty player. She lacks the cutthroatiness needed to make big moves. The Jeff eviction on her part was a fluke as far as I'm concerned. Had that been a week long HOH of hers, there's no telling what sort of cockamamie moves she would have made.
Alright, I'm going to end this here because some bitch named Irene is knocking on my door. In the event that my power goes out, there will not be a blog tomorrow. There won't be a blog because A) I won't have the power to watch the feeds, type, and post one and B) I'll have driven myself insane from having no TV and internet access. Godspeed those of you near the coastline. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!