Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Shut Your Pie Hole

Yesterday on Battlestar Suckalotica, a bunch of boring people did boring things and we all sat around bored with our thumbs in our asses. Isn't that what bored people do? Sit around sticking appendages into orifices? *shrugs shoulders* I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know about this house anymore. I don't know about America anymore. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm in that slump I get in around Week 8 or 9 - which is strange and unusual considering it's only like Week 5! There's no energy in the house. There's no life. All we're left with are 8 lumps of sad sadness with nothing to say and no one to say it to. Occasionally, someone burbles and we're all thankful for it, but, other than that, there's not a whole lot going on. I long for school kids with new backpacks scurrying to the bus stop. I long for the leaves changing and the nights turning chilly. I long for this madness to end already! Let's recap, shall we?

I'd like to start off today addressing you, America. You voted Brendon back into the house and now I want to know if you're pleased with yourself. Are you happy returning things to status quo? Does it give you pleasure to see hours upon hours of dysfuctional love? Has Brendon brought you the grand payoff you were hoping for? I worry about you, America. I worry about where your head is at. I worry about your garage meth labs, the syringes strewn across your floors and the half empty bongs sitting in your windowsills. Naturally, I must assume you are on drugs for voting Brendon back into the house, America. What other reason could there be? Oh wait, I know - STUPIDITY. That's a good reason I guess. Stupid people doing stupid things. Stupid Americans. *sigh* You screwed up America. You got behind a worthless cause and now we're all suffering because of it. Why the masochism? Why the needless suffering? You didn't give us any interesting game play. You didn't give us anything. Now go sit in the corner and repent for what you've done. You can come back out when Dancing With The Z-Listers starts up again and you're needed to vote for another worthless cause. Until then, shut your pie hole and hang your head in shame.

So Daniele nominated Adam & Shelly, Adam won the veto and now Daniele needs to put up a replacement nomination. After a valiant effort of turning on their own alliance, Brenchel sat with toes crossed and hoped for the best. Sadly, the vile duo were not to get their own way again as Daniele has nominated Brendon. Grrrreat. That means a week of Rachel crying and then another week of Rachel talking about how her fiance was ripped from her loins. Good job America! Good job Daniele! As much as I loathe the gruesome twosome, I was kind of hoping that Daniele would nominate Jeff instead. This house needs to be shaken, not stirred. We need a little drama up in the hizzy. Watching Jeff lose his shit is drama. Watching Jordan finally get out of bed is drama (I guess). Watching Brendon & Rachel relive what we saw nary a week ago is not drama. It's deja vu. It's Marty McFly going back in time. It's a rewind-y replay that'll once again leave a soggy parrot-faced red-headed harlot in it's wake. *yawn*

Rachel is sad and now it's Brendon's turn to console her. He leans over his wench and whispers all sorts of words of encouragement into her ear: "Stop being emotional! Stop being depressed! Stop depending on me for everything!" Now, I don't know about you, but I'm getting a vibe that Brendon is sort of over his crimson-haired trollop. In the past, he'd sit and cry with her and they'd talk about their future together - sure, it was full of cancer cures, millions of dollars and a gaggle of badly dressed poorly behaved children, but it was a future and it was theirs. It was gross and nauseating, but, like Tommy and Gina, they never back dowwwwn. Nothing could stand in the way of their love. Yesterday he was more like, "Oh shut up already. I wonder what movies they have in the Jury House. I hope the pool is big. They better have a webcam." I just didn't get the feeling that Brendon cared all that much that he's about to be voted out again. He seemed more annoyed than devastated. It was a fly in his soup - an inconvenience, but not a tragedy.

Meanwhile, Rachel snotted all over the blankets and complained about how mean Shelly is. Shelly? My Shelly? Innocent cowhide Shelly? Surely, you jest! Apparently, Shelly is pleased with Brendon as the replacement nomination and to hear Rachel tell it, you'd think The Wizard sat through that veto ceremony twirling her moustache and gently fingering a black lacquer violin. If only! I have a feeling it was nothing more than Shelly's leathery exterior contorted into something that resembled a smile and that, in turn, made Rachel angry. Oh woe is Rachel. Woe is the stick I want to beat her with. Whoa woe.

So that happened. What else, what else? Oh, up in the HOH Daniele suggested that they go after Jeff next week instead of Rachel. Kalia beached herself on the couch and grunted some sort of reply. Daniele thinks Porsche will be onboard as well if she were to win HOH next week. Put me down in the "Yes" column too Dani. I am 100% all for getting Jeff out of the game. I still think it should have happened this week when the backdoor was opened, but I won't be too picky. I'll take it next week.

Outside there was some talk about Daniele's speech during the Veto Cermony. Adam tells her what she said could have been interpreted as rude, but Shelly thinks it was hysterical and that America will get a kick out of it. You know what I get a kick out of? I get a kick out of you, Shelly. The cowboy saunter, the briefcase skin, the ciggy half hanging out... I love it all. I love the lies she tells and the complicated tapestries of sins she weaves. Shelly is the closest thing I've got to a villain so I shall embrace her. It'll be a smoky coffee-scented embrace, but it'll be an embrace nonetheless. I hope she was smug during that veto ceremony. I pray she made Rachel cry. Shelly's shenanigans are keeping this house afloat as far as I'm concerned. When she trashes people, rainbows dart across the sky and somewhere a baby is born with horns growing out of it's head. If only I could shake her loose of her blind allegiance to Jeff & Jordan.

This is sort of where the story ends. From early afternoon until the wee hours of the morning literally nothing happened. Brendon & Rachel would pop up into various rooms and try to make out in front of people. Whoever was in the room before they arrived would quickly get up and leave which was funny. There was about an hour of feed time where it looked like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Brenchel went into the Starburst room and Jeff & Jordan would quickly scurry out. Brenchel slid into the corner of the pool and Porsche & Daniele ran inside to cover their eyes. Brenchel canoodled on the couch and Shelly gathered up her lasso and sauntered away. It's a miracle Brendon & Rachel never picked up on it. Well, I guess love is blind. It's blind to reality. It's blind to good taste. It's just fucking blind.

As it stands now, it looks like Brendon will be going home. Brenchel may try to get Porsche's vote again, but I think the Datsun ship has already sailed. Isuzu seems happy where she is for the time being. Adam continues to float from side to side and Kalia is still devouring everything under the sun. I don't anticipate much drama between now and Thursday. Shelly will lay low until she's sure she's safe and Brenchel will continue to stain every sheet in the house. Gross. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. This season blows. At least we have your blog! Glad you're back!

  2. I put sucks ass, because you're absolutely right, almost all repeats and icky Brenchal making out... boo

  3. First off, "Welcome Back!" Your great & very humorous BB recaps were very much missed.

    Secondly, agree that the majority voters screwed up big time by voting this guy back into the game. Hope he goes out for good this time & Jeff DOES end up on the block & out next week also.

    You're right, this is such a generally boring group of "players",.. but, I hope Dani wins it despite everything,... & that Ms. Coyote is sittin' right next to her when she does.

  4. "if only I could shake her blind allegience to Jeff & Jordan"
    Lala, I'm curious, what would you have Shelly do? Aren't they her ticket to the final 3?

    Anyway, I'm a Dani fan. I can't wait for Jeff to get backdoored.

  5. not so fast bloggers. things will heat up. evil is in the house and its about to get nasty. everyone is under estimating rach and dani. i give you the newbies have learned the game and the vets have self destructed because their lame. they were to nice thats why dani's where she's at.i hope rach turns evil makes deal with dani for final two and rain hell on the arrogant 4 j j a s. everyone under estimated dani and are about to do the same to rach. give me a break bb fans.have faith its about to get ugly and no prisoners taken.the sleeper will awaken

  6. SO SICK of Jeff thinking the newbies need to fall to the wayside, topple over for his furtherance in the game. For the distinct pleasure of gaining Jeff's autograph, Adam MUST nominate & put out of the house every ally that Adam has created for himself to-dare I say it?-further Adam in the game. Now, I'm not a fan of Adam's; he does not amuse me. His lame antics in the elf suit gagged me. BUT Adam & Yugo have every right to try to get ahead of Jeff and Jordon!
    Best case scenario for me would be for Jeff to follow Brenchel in the jury house where he can collect & dispose of Brenda's Magnum condoms.

  7. Welcome back, Lala!! And I have a question....do you think AMERICA voted Brendon back in or CBS manipulated the votes? Of course, anyone going against LaWon had a cakewalk back into the house (and I MISS LaWon!) but it seems really strange that the last one out is the first back in, especially since it seemed viewers were tired of seeing a replay of BB12.
    And how funny was it when the Super Alliance all fell like trees in the HOH?

  8. At this point, I don't have a strong attachment to any of them, for winning this dumb show.

    Shelly was my favorite, but watching her snot and snort and wipe her nose on her sweatshirt sleeve during several hours of BBAD the other night? I wanted to vomit it was so gross! Truly, physically (and germ-illy) disgusting.

    Never did I think Shelly was that weak-willed. Sure, if she had been laying it on and tweaking it for effect, maybe it would have made some game sense. Maybe. Yet, she was blubbering like a tween in the throes of finding out her first crush likes her best friend . . . and her best friend is her mother or something. It was pathetic the amount of tears and nose juice streaming down her face because of Rachel.

    Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. She better grab a handful of goddamn tissues, do a proper clean-up of her mucus-filled face, take that last long shuddery breath . . . and suck it the fuck up.

    I want Game Face Shelly back, or I'm defecting to Team Daniele. My person wins wars and doesn't cry over battle losses. Dani may be little and aligned with a stick and a rock, but she keeps on trucking.

  9. Great blog! You're funny.
    SOMEBODY had a great weekend!
    What exactly were you up to this weekend?

    Can anyone tell me where the soggy parrot-headed platypus-lipped harlot gets her clothes? I have never seen such crap before. Collette is right, she gets them off the wet cement floor of an abandoned storage shed.

  10. Yeah...I'm pretty sure CBS rigged this season hardcore. To quote myself on another site:

    "The golden, gleaming, unpredictable gem that once was Big Brother has turned into a polished turd smudged with CSB's fingerprints."

  11. I would have loved to have seen Jeff backdoored this week, but part of me thinks Dani was very smart to put up Brendon instead. I think Shelly would have gone home if Dani made Jeff the replacement nom.

  12. I don't think the vote was rigged so I'll say, I hope for all the dumbasses out there who voted for this giant walking sack of shit, I hope they spent hard earned money. Money for their kids birthday present, money for their mortgages, money to keep the banks from calling about their credit scores, and I hope they spent so much their electricity shuts off and phones taken away so they can never vote again! In any case, you people wanted DRAMA?? Well here it is. More boring inane stories about how smart Brendon is, about imaginary friends of his that apparently have done everything in the WORLD. More lovey-dovey bullshit about Rachel saying how great her Bookie is. And when he leaves, all that will be left is stained sheets and another wasted twist. Thanks CBS. Things were much more exciting with Lawon around. As for him not caring, I think when he was voted out last time, it meant he didn't make Jury, so they'd be separated for 6 or 7 weeks, now that he's back he automatically makes Jury, so now these lame ass, co-dependent pukes of life can spend even more time together making the jury house smell like a porn set. And yeah, I wish Dani put up Jeff too, but since I figured from week 2 this whole game was set up for Jeff and/or Jordan to win, I'm really not surprised.

  13. In my dream world, America voted Brenden back in because they thought Rachel was being voted out and they would have to face off with each other. That would have been so delightfully cruel to watch.

  14. your blog is the ONLY bright spot in this BB season...

  15. Have you ever been to Jersey? I have family there and Im a Jets fan. I know the place. Some parst are ok but the part that Bon Jovi is from sucks. Brenchel are what Tommy and Gina would have been had Jovi made that wretched song in the 2000s. Except with that Jersey ick. Solid reference.

    I hate everyone except Daniele. At least Dani is getting rid of Brendon again. The backdoor is always best. No, not in that way, I meant Big Brother style.

    Shelly should go to Kalia, Camaro and Dani and work a deal to break up JeffJo.

    good blog

  16. I was waiting for someone to mention the "Tommy and Gina" thing. I'm just glad someone got the reference.

  17. Welcome back Ms. Lala! As you can see you were greatly missed! Definitely not being the spelling police here but have to point it out since it was so hilariously funny - not even sure you meant it that way but OH so true!

    "Does it give you pleasure to see hours upon hours of dysfuctional love?"

    Brenchel are so very dysFUCtional!!!

  18. I agree with ADJURY, did you not see the convo that Shelly had with Dani the night of her meltdown? Smiling through tears in her eyes, sucking the life out of a smoke, while biting the edge of the blanket? Repeatedly? I had to look away! I would love to see Shelly go the way of Lawon, it would be such poetic justice. She is truly heinous. It puts me in the position of rooting for Brendan, and I hate that. On a more positive note, I'm glad you're back, no one writes a better recap than you!

  19. CBS bringing Brendon back is about as real as every house member's name is in the bag for POV challenge. I have many many friends who watch BB...and we ALL voted for DOMINIC. He is funny. He is on Dani's side, and we all wanted to see the childish banter back and forth between them. Dani would have a chance to make it to the end with Dom in the house. If you read Facebook's CBS BB13 comments....they ALL VOTED FOR DOMINIC. What makes me really really mad is that they get 1 crisp dollar for every text message.. whether it be who comes back into the house, or what the Have Not's will eat that week...they make MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of dollars, yet they throw the votes away and put whomever THEY want back into the house, not to mention that the prize is the cheapest of any game show...and they have to endure so much. Because of that I refuse to watch another BB13 edition. I spent my money texting...for what?

  20. Shelly is pathetic. But I wish she'd come visit me and bring her swiffer and her dust rag and her spray bottle. I'd listen to her delusional bullshit for hours if she was cleaning my house.

  21. We all really hate Brendon coming back, so IMHO it's all rigged, for years now. But why they would think this is better TV is a mystery shrouded in a riddle deeply secreted in an enigma. But that's me preaching to a choir! So, onto my current target. I wish that Dani had backdoored Jeff this week. I am sick of him.

    Why? You may ask.... (If you don't ask, then scroll down a bit there to the next, likely more brief, comment. Thank you for reading this far.)

    I just keep coming back to Jeff's play in the game. I mean, so many of us LOVED JJ before, when we thought that they were "good people" but now, we know of his bigotry, homophobia, misogyny and anger issues. These are not "good people" traits. At this point has Jeff got any other role except to bully people and tell them what they HAD BETTER DO FOR HIM (oh, wait, right, for him AND Jordan) OR ELSE? I mean really, yelling at and controlling people is not the same as a good social game, or am I wrong here? 

    They have conducted the Star-F*** Express so far, and been really successful at that, but even Shelly, who is manning (heh, heh) the Unconditional Love JJ Coach Car, has been moved to choking sobs by him and what did he do when confronted with this VALID reaction? He tells her, honestly, first words out of his mouth, that she's "STUPID" for feeling that way! I dislike her vehemently, and I believe she is mentally unstable--totally biting on that blanket the other night, and continually sniffing her Jeff cologned sleeve, as was also pointed out a couple of comments ago, while she lapped up the sympathy of people that she betrayed that ended up putting her where she was to need that sympathy, Dani and Kalia. Jeez, that's hypocrisy to the power of 11! Nearly even Vet-sized hypocrisy! But what Jeff said was kinda harsh, especially when they need her, really NEED her. And HAD her for sure at that point.

    But the important thing, IMO,  is that Jeff has done F***-ALL since he's been in the game, so why is it exactly that HE calls the shots on anything, like he's King Big Brother?? "Hey, stick with me, I might just happen to win one competition in ten or so." Is this who you would reasonably put your faith in? Well, I guess if you are Shelly or Adam and you are an even bigger LOSER than he is, maybe his one win does seem like it's a great victory!! It's hardly more than Lawon ever did in the scheme of things. 

    The fame thing should have worn off by now, like it has for pretty much all of us out here, aside from those who are gonna let a pretty body get in the way of their reasoning skills. And yes, of course I mean Jeff's body, DUH!

    Well, that's my two cents, or a dollar and a half, whichever....

  22. One of the HG's just said another HG was "selling out"! That's exactly what they are supposed to be doing, right?!? There is a cash prize for winning this game, no? Priceless.

  23. Should we not believe Daniele if she does not preface her statements with, "I'm not gonna lie?" Actually it would make a good drinking game! Except you'd get good and drunk. Drunk is not a terrible thing though... Oh, or two drinks every time any of them say, "We have got to win this HOH/Veto!"

    Oh my! Rachel just said that right this second! Drink. Drink. Oh no she said it again just now. Drink Drink. I had better turn it off since I probably shouldn't drink that much tonight!

    Or Brendon, but hurry, when he says, at the end of just about every sentence, "You know what I mean?" But really he says it soooo fast that it comes out as one long strange word.

    You were missed Lala, glad you're back!
    Any others out there?