Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Shut Your Pie Hole
Yesterday on Battlestar Suckalotica, a bunch of boring people did boring things and we all sat around bored with our thumbs in our asses. Isn't that what bored people do? Sit around sticking appendages into orifices? *shrugs shoulders* I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know about this house anymore. I don't know about America anymore. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm in that slump I get in around Week 8 or 9 - which is strange and unusual considering it's only like Week 5! There's no energy in the house. There's no life. All we're left with are 8 lumps of sad sadness with nothing to say and no one to say it to. Occasionally, someone burbles and we're all thankful for it, but, other than that, there's not a whole lot going on. I long for school kids with new backpacks scurrying to the bus stop. I long for the leaves changing and the nights turning chilly. I long for this madness to end already! Let's recap, shall we?
I'd like to start off today addressing you, America. You voted Brendon back into the house and now I want to know if you're pleased with yourself. Are you happy returning things to status quo? Does it give you pleasure to see hours upon hours of dysfuctional love? Has Brendon brought you the grand payoff you were hoping for? I worry about you, America. I worry about where your head is at. I worry about your garage meth labs, the syringes strewn across your floors and the half empty bongs sitting in your windowsills. Naturally, I must assume you are on drugs for voting Brendon back into the house, America. What other reason could there be? Oh wait, I know - STUPIDITY. That's a good reason I guess. Stupid people doing stupid things. Stupid Americans. *sigh* You screwed up America. You got behind a worthless cause and now we're all suffering because of it. Why the masochism? Why the needless suffering? You didn't give us any interesting game play. You didn't give us anything. Now go sit in the corner and repent for what you've done. You can come back out when Dancing With The Z-Listers starts up again and you're needed to vote for another worthless cause. Until then, shut your pie hole and hang your head in shame.
So Daniele nominated Adam & Shelly, Adam won the veto and now Daniele needs to put up a replacement nomination. After a valiant effort of turning on their own alliance, Brenchel sat with toes crossed and hoped for the best. Sadly, the vile duo were not to get their own way again as Daniele has nominated Brendon. Grrrreat. That means a week of Rachel crying and then another week of Rachel talking about how her fiance was ripped from her loins. Good job America! Good job Daniele! As much as I loathe the gruesome twosome, I was kind of hoping that Daniele would nominate Jeff instead. This house needs to be shaken, not stirred. We need a little drama up in the hizzy. Watching Jeff lose his shit is drama. Watching Jordan finally get out of bed is drama (I guess). Watching Brendon & Rachel relive what we saw nary a week ago is not drama. It's deja vu. It's Marty McFly going back in time. It's a rewind-y replay that'll once again leave a soggy parrot-faced red-headed harlot in it's wake. *yawn*
Rachel is sad and now it's Brendon's turn to console her. He leans over his wench and whispers all sorts of words of encouragement into her ear: "Stop being emotional! Stop being depressed! Stop depending on me for everything!" Now, I don't know about you, but I'm getting a vibe that Brendon is sort of over his crimson-haired trollop. In the past, he'd sit and cry with her and they'd talk about their future together - sure, it was full of cancer cures, millions of dollars and a gaggle of badly dressed poorly behaved children, but it was a future and it was theirs. It was gross and nauseating, but, like Tommy and Gina, they never back dowwwwn. Nothing could stand in the way of their love. Yesterday he was more like, "Oh shut up already. I wonder what movies they have in the Jury House. I hope the pool is big. They better have a webcam." I just didn't get the feeling that Brendon cared all that much that he's about to be voted out again. He seemed more annoyed than devastated. It was a fly in his soup - an inconvenience, but not a tragedy.
Meanwhile, Rachel snotted all over the blankets and complained about how mean Shelly is. Shelly? My Shelly? Innocent cowhide Shelly? Surely, you jest! Apparently, Shelly is pleased with Brendon as the replacement nomination and to hear Rachel tell it, you'd think The Wizard sat through that veto ceremony twirling her moustache and gently fingering a black lacquer violin. If only! I have a feeling it was nothing more than Shelly's leathery exterior contorted into something that resembled a smile and that, in turn, made Rachel angry. Oh woe is Rachel. Woe is the stick I want to beat her with. Whoa woe.
So that happened. What else, what else? Oh, up in the HOH Daniele suggested that they go after Jeff next week instead of Rachel. Kalia beached herself on the couch and grunted some sort of reply. Daniele thinks Porsche will be onboard as well if she were to win HOH next week. Put me down in the "Yes" column too Dani. I am 100% all for getting Jeff out of the game. I still think it should have happened this week when the backdoor was opened, but I won't be too picky. I'll take it next week.
Outside there was some talk about Daniele's speech during the Veto Cermony. Adam tells her what she said could have been interpreted as rude, but Shelly thinks it was hysterical and that America will get a kick out of it. You know what I get a kick out of? I get a kick out of you, Shelly. The cowboy saunter, the briefcase skin, the ciggy half hanging out... I love it all. I love the lies she tells and the complicated tapestries of sins she weaves. Shelly is the closest thing I've got to a villain so I shall embrace her. It'll be a smoky coffee-scented embrace, but it'll be an embrace nonetheless. I hope she was smug during that veto ceremony. I pray she made Rachel cry. Shelly's shenanigans are keeping this house afloat as far as I'm concerned. When she trashes people, rainbows dart across the sky and somewhere a baby is born with horns growing out of it's head. If only I could shake her loose of her blind allegiance to Jeff & Jordan.
This is sort of where the story ends. From early afternoon until the wee hours of the morning literally nothing happened. Brendon & Rachel would pop up into various rooms and try to make out in front of people. Whoever was in the room before they arrived would quickly get up and leave which was funny. There was about an hour of feed time where it looked like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Brenchel went into the Starburst room and Jeff & Jordan would quickly scurry out. Brenchel slid into the corner of the pool and Porsche & Daniele ran inside to cover their eyes. Brenchel canoodled on the couch and Shelly gathered up her lasso and sauntered away. It's a miracle Brendon & Rachel never picked up on it. Well, I guess love is blind. It's blind to reality. It's blind to good taste. It's just fucking blind.
As it stands now, it looks like Brendon will be going home. Brenchel may try to get Porsche's vote again, but I think the Datsun ship has already sailed. Isuzu seems happy where she is for the time being. Adam continues to float from side to side and Kalia is still devouring everything under the sun. I don't anticipate much drama between now and Thursday. Shelly will lay low until she's sure she's safe and Brenchel will continue to stain every sheet in the house. Gross. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!