Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Sold Under The Bus
It may have taken 200 days and many many moon cycles, but the Revolution is finally here... kind of. It's not exactly the gun toting merry band of defiant Newbies that I was hoping for, but it'll do. It'll do for now. Our current revolutionaries are more of a sewing circle than the Sandinistas, but, hey, I'll take what I can get. As long as they are wielding their axes and chipping away at the ankles of that blonde Amazon sea hag with the barnacle lips, I am on board. The Poop Ship Lollipop no longer needs its figurehead. Having such a weight on the hull makes steering this ship successfully almost impossible anyways. So off with its head! Off with its ankles! Down, down, into the choppy sea it crashes. *Splash!* Down into the murky black waters it sinks to its final resting place amongst the crab people. There, she'll sit and she'll stare. With wild blonde hair billowing in the salty bath she can now call home, her paint will chip and she'll become someone we once knew. Someone we vaguely remember. Someone who is no more. Let's recap, shall we?
The day begins with a twang. Two twangs actually. It's Danielle and Wil and they are as snug as two bugs in the HOH bed. Danielle whispers to Wil that she's taking him off the block today. She warns him not to tell anyone about it because the last thing Danielle wants is Janelle catching wind of the plan to oust her before the POV Ceremony takes place. Wil nods and agrees. He tells Danielle that he thinks he already has the votes to get rid of Janelle. Plus, he promises not to nominate Dan or Danielle next week if he wins HOH.
Danielle lies back and looks up at the ceiling. She finally has a man in her bed and she's oh so proud of herself. Feeling those ooey gooey "happy to be me!" feelings, she sighs and muses, "This will be amazing. Janelle has never been backdoored before." Wil yanks at the pinky finger he got stuck in his weave and agrees. He's so sick of Janelle thinking she's this big power player who can do whatever she wants. He doesn't give a shit if she's a fan favorite. He just wants her gone!
The feeds finally go down and when they return it's a glitter tinkling sparklefest. Danielle has removed Wil from the block and has nominated Janelle for eviction. Viva la revolucion!
The best part about it all is that Janelle had no idea. None! She didn't even bother to put on make-up that morning. She woke up and thought herself, "Eh, I'm safe. Who needs mascara when they're safe?" First off, all girls need mascara. When you forego mascara a dolphin gets punctured. Seriously, right through the heart. So think about that the next time you think au natural is the way to go.
So Janelle is confused, befuddled, discombobulated and all the rest of it. She has no idea where Danielle got this idea to nominate her, but she needs to find out who threw her under the bus. Up in the HOH Janelle meets with Danielle and asks her what the hell is going on. Danielle tells Janelle that she heard that Janelle is going after her. Janelle clutches her pearls and gasps, "Who me?!? I was never going after you Danielle. You're my best good friend. I only want to brush your hair and tell you how thin you are." Alright, so I may have paraphrased, but you get the idea. Danielle responds with, "But you didn't want to work out with me yesterday." That, I am happy to report, was not paraphrased. Janelle replies that she ate too much the night before and went to bed. It has nothing to do with Danielle at all. She just felt too fat to work out.
Danielle then tells Janelle she heard that Janelle had called her a floater. Janelle denies it, "Oh my god, I did not call you a floater! I was just saying in the DR how happy I was to work with you." Danielle apologizes repeatedly and her pudding face begins to soften and melt. Seeing that Danielle is almost on the verge of tears, Janelle goes for the jugular, "I can't believe you nominated me when I'm not going after you." Danielle tells Janelle that she really does like her, it's just that she's heard things around the house. Janelle sighs and insists she's not mad while Danielle continues to apologize over and over again. She tells Janelle she is probably safe anyways, but right now she needs to throw up (pea soup).
Janelle leaves the HOH and Dan heads on in. He takes one look at Danielle and asks her if she's OK. Danielle situates herself in the middle of the HOH bed and plops one of her button eyes back into her pudding head. Dan tells her that she did well on the speech and didn't appear nervous at all. Danielle says, "I'm good at not showing I'm nervous." She says that she was convinced everyone could hear her heart/ceremonial drums beating in her chest during the POV Ceremony. She felt so sick that she wanted to throw up.
Dan changes the subject and asks her what Janelle just said to her. Since we joined the Danielle/Janelle post-POV conversation already in progress, we are actually able to learn about a few things we missed. Apparently, Janelle asked Danielle if Boogie was the one who told her that Janelle was going after her. Danielle insists to Dan that she didn't mention Boogie's name at all or throw him under the bus. She also tells Dan how Janelle said she was saying just yesterday (to Dan) how much she liked Danielle. Then, out of nowhere, Danielle's face begins to contort and tiny clear droplets of acid begin to form in the corners of her eyes. Dan looks at her confused and asks, "Why are you upset?" Danielle replies, "Because I'm a victim and this is what victims do!" Not really.
Meanwhile, down in the Arcade Room, Janelle is sitting with Ashley and Britney in silence. It's an eerie kind of a silence, like something you'd experience before an F5 tornado hit your small country bumpkin town. Ashley stares at a wall, Britney looks down at her hair, and Janelle searches both of them for any sign of betrayal. Janelle finally speaks and tells the girls what Danielle said to her up in the HOH room - that stuff about hearing Janelle was going after her and called her a floater. Ashley lifts her thick hooded eyes with her thumbs and mumbles, "I don't understand." Go back to bed Ashley.
Janelle continues and says that Danielle told her that it wasn't just Frank and Boogie who said Janelle was after Danielle. For the record, I have no idea if this part is true or not. Janelle could be lying in an effort to suss out more traitors. Ashley sighs and says, "I'd like to contribute to the conversations but I always feel excluded. Pineapple!" Janelle ignores her and whispers that she needs five votes to stay.
Britney, on the other hand, has affixed her sad clown face and gets busy picking at her split ends. She says that she won't talk to Danielle again - ever! - unless Danielle wants to talk to her first. Ashley burbles, "But I thought you and Danielle were close?" *giggles* Britney ignores Ashley and the girls get quiet again. Janelle breaks the silence by asking Ashley if she'll vote for her to stay. Ashley says, "Yes. Moon pies!" Janelle sighs again while stroking her hair and wonders aloud, "I wonder who sold me out..."
Continuing on her mission to find out why the hell she's on the block, Janelle corners Dan in the Storage Room and asks, "What the hell happened Dan?!" Dan shrugs his shoulders and says, "I think it's because you didn't work out with Danielle." He continues by telling Janelle how he tried to get Danielle to think strategically and not personally, but it appears as if Danielle's "girl feelings" are to blame. Janelle says again how she went into the DR and told them - TOLD THEM - how excited she was to be working with Dan, Danielle, and Shane. She crosses her arms over her heaving bosoms and repeats to Dan how she didn't work out with Danielle last night because she ate too much and went to bed. She'll retell this story a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. In fact, there should be an allotted time of day for Janelle to tell her "I feel fat" stories. Maybe we just lock her in a room with Danielle and let them go at it.
"I'm so fat."
"No, you're not. I'm fatter than you."
"Well, you do have fat legs."
"Who said that? Did JoJo say that?"
"I'm too fat to work out."
"Do you really think I have fat legs?"
"My lips are fat... naturally."
Fat, fat, fat.
Oh shut up the both of you. You're both fat. The end.
Janelle continues trying to press Dan for more information, "Who threw me under the bus?" Dan replies that he doesn't know. Janelle asks, "Wil and Joe?" Before Dan can answer (or lie) to her, Janelle blurts out, "I didn't even put on make-up today! I didn't think I was going on the block." Dan shifts uncomfortably and looks at the ground. With more sighs and strokes of her hair, Janelle says, "I'm probably going home. I'll bet Joe and Wil threw me under the bus."
Janelle tells Dan that Danielle totally screwed them. Dan tells her that she still has 3 days to get votes. Janelle moans, "But I'm a Coach." Dan bites on his thumb and asks, "Do you think your team will support you?" Janelle replies, "Probably not because they want the Coaches out." In an effort to lift Janelle's spirits some, Dan tells her that they need to find out how Shane and Britney will vote this week. Janelle thinks that Shane will vote however Danielle wants him to. At the same time she wonders why Shane would want to keep Frank in the game. Dan mumbles, "That's a good point." The conversation ends with Janelle wondering if she can get Joe's vote since Joe hates Frank so much. And off she goes to tackle Joe.
Janelle yanks Joe into the Arcade Room and that weirdo silence falls again. She finally breaks it by asking Joe, "Do you think Wil is behind this?" Without hesitating, Joe replies that he absolutely thinks Wil has something to do with this since he was the one who came off the block. Janelle nods, "Wil sold me out." Joe agrees, "He most certainly did." Janelle says that she can't believe Wil would do that to her. She says she probably won't even ask Wil for his vote because he hates her so much. Furthermore, Janelle is shocked - SHOCKED - that Danielle would believe Wil's lies. Funny, since it wasn't Wil's lies that led to this. One nod from Joe and Janelle is completely convinced that Wil is to blame.
Speaking of Wil, he enters the Arcade Room and immediately says how shocked he was at the POV Ceremony. Janelle nods and says she was never even going after Danielle. Joe chimes in, "I thought I was going up." Wil says he didn't think Danielle would use the POV at all which is why he had fun with his speech. (I'm guessing he did the Queen Latifah monologue.) Janelle nods and tells Wil that his speech was really funny.
Janelle then tells Wil the "too fat to work out" story and thinks it is the reason she's on the block. Janelle sighs repeatedly and says how she can't believe Danielle thinks she's after her. "It should be so obvious who I'm after," she says. (Boogie) Wil huddles in and tells Janelle all of the votes he think he can get for her. By no stretch of the imagination does Wil think that Janelle will go home. (I'm pretty sure he's lying to her.) Wil eventually leaves and Janelle leans over to Joe and says, "Maybe I do have Wil's vote." Joe crinkles up that soggy french fry on his chin and says he think that Wil is lying. He'll try to find out for sure a little later.
Jumping ahead to BBAD we encounter the infamous bathroom scene that everyone was tweeting about this morning. Personally, I thought it was dull and uneventful. Any scene where two insecure girls (Danielle and Janelle) sit and pretend to kiss each other's asses is always dull.
"I don't break out anymore because I'm getting older."
"I have adult acne!"
"Boogie has horrible botox."
"At least your eyes move."
"I get acid poured on my face once a month by my dermatologist."
"You'll never age Janelle."
"Dr. Will injects himself."
"I'm scared of big needles!" (Remember, she's a nurse)
"I've never had fillers in my lips."
"Let's get dressed up and drink wine later. We can do make-up."
"OK! But right now I have to poop and I'm poop shy so you have to leave."
That was basically it. Janelle is telling Danielle that she is being used and lied to and then follows it up by wanting to be Danielle's best good friend. Luckily, Danielle isn't falling for it and spent the rest of the night recapping it all for anyone who'll listen. She tells Britney how Janelle is bullying her with threats of leaving her ugly dresses behind for Danielle to wear. Danielle shrieks, "I don't want her stupid dresses!" Britney mumbles, "What a nightmare." And then she goes back to picking her hair. I think she's been hanging out with Wil too much or something.
I'm still catching up on this conversation right now and one interesting thing is standing out to me. Britney mentions to Danielle how if a girl and a guy are sitting at the end together, the girl never wins. Danielle nods knowing where Britney is going with this. Britney says, "I meant to mention this to you later on down the road, but a girl has a better chance of winning if she's up against another girl." Naturally, Britney is referring to the idea of Danielle getting to the end with either Shane or Dan. I get where Britney is coming from and I think I agree with her, but it's just so early. Especially with Danielle. The second Britney refuses to brush Danielle's hair is the second Danielle runs around the house telling everyone that Britney wants Shane and Dan out before the finals. We've still got 12 people in the house, Britney. Patience.
I will end this here for today. So, what do you guys think of Janelle on the block? Will Janelle ever successfully kiss Danielle's ass into submission? How will Dan end up voting? Will BB ever give Janelle enough alcohol between now and Thursday to go batshit crazy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Posted by Colette Lala at 10:50 AM