Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Cowardly Ninja
Today we meet the cowardly ninja. I know when you think "ninja" you think mercenary, espionage, sabotage, everyone kung fu fighting, cats as fast as lightning... in fact, it's all a little bit frightening. Well, readjust that thinking my bitches. Just click, click, click the gears and pulleys in your noggins and look upon life in a new way. The pussy way. The run into a corner clutching your Bible way. Because that is what ninjas do you know. In this new millenium the ninja is a peacekeeper. He's a project manager. He's a rolodex, a file-o-fax. He reads self-help books and outlines all the key points on index cards. "Quiz me wife!" he shouts. He preplans and card catalogs his tweets months in advance. And then, in the thick of battle, he creeps about on tiptoes melting into the background refusing to speak until spoken to while his heart races and his bowels quiver. He may fool some of the pudding faces in that Big Brother house, but he doesn't fool me! Let's recap, shall we?
It is the day of the big POV ceremony. Frank and Boogie are on the block and Frank was won the POV. Tirelessly these two have been working overtime trying to get Dan backdoored. They've reasoned and argued, they've pleaded and cajoled. And in their minds they're doing a smashing job. Everything is lining up just so. Shane, the HOH, seems to be nodding a lot which can only be a good thing, right? There is a problem though. There is a spindly silver dollar nippled problem lurking about the house. It's Ian. That insufferable Ian. That larvae caught in the cocoon Ian. He has defected from Frank and Boogie and has decided to feed all of their secrets to the other side of the house. Personally, I struggle to find the sense in leaving a smaller more powerful alliance for that big ole silent quack mess that can't seem to hold onto its members. It's all very strange, but when has anything ever made sense in Big Brother?
So, the day begins with some last minute pitches from both Frank and Boogie. They know that the key to getting Shane on their side is to get in the last word. The problem is, this week - OF ALL WEEKS - Shane is steadfast. He is unflappable. He has decided he'll wear those pink tank tops and be Dan's bitch boy. He is a powerful Andrew Ridgeley oak this week. Everything Frank and Boogie say falls on deaf ears. Nodding smiling deaf ears. "I understand, yeah you make a good point" deaf ears. Frank & Boogie, who usually have impeccable women's intuition, are uncharacteristically snowed this week. And shit is about to get real.
Bam! It just got real. That is not a happy prayer face my friends. That is a "WTF just happened?!" face. The POV ceremony went down as planned. Frank pulled himself off the block and Jenn (who?) went up in his place. You knew it, I knew it, the house knew it. The only people that didn't know it were Frank, Boogie, and Jenn (who?).
Needless to say, Boogie is pissed. He's hurling fucks like sacks of dead babies. "I hate this kid. He's such a fucking phony," he sneers. "I gotta calm down before I interact with these motherfuckers." *giggles* Frank tells Boogie that the one good thing about Shane is that you don't have to do much to rile him up. You just spew out a couple of remarks and he gets all flustered.
Meanwhile, Jenn (who?) isn't exactly a happy camper. Britney tries to console her in the Arcade Room while Jenn insists she really did come into this house to play the game. Alright, come out, come out wherever you are. I'm on Candid Camera, right? You came to play the game Jenn? Oh come on! Look, I like you. Actually, I like you a lot and I'd love to have some cocktails with you and all of your tatted up friends, but you are NOT playing the game honey. I'm sorry, but you're not. I wish you were. Believe me, do I wish you were. You have no idea how desperate I am for someone to root for. (RIP Sweet Willie) Anyhow, Jenn tells Britney that it was her intention to lay low at the start of the game. It's ok though. Don't cry for Jenn, Argentina. She'll trudge onward. Jenn tells Britney it sucks that she's up against Boogie. Not only that, but she has no idea if she's the target or not. The geniuses upstairs have kept it a secret from her that she's a pawn. Britney hugs Jenn and the two part company.
Over in the Foot Room, Mescalin Mary (AKA Ashley) is trying to prop up her droopy eyes as she consoles Boogie. Boogie tells her that everyone will know what's up the second they see Dan's DR's. Ashley nods and agrees. She says Dan is always talking about his DR's and gets called in all the time. Boogie says everyone will realize that Dan is just a dirty dude. And that Shane... oy, don't get him started on Shane. Actually, yes, get him started on Shane! Boogie mumbles, "Shane is just Dan's bitch. That's what he is." PigPen Frank nods excitedly, "Dan is pulling Shane around by a leash and a dog collar." Hot.
Speaking of that dandy Shane, he is currently up in the HOH room with someone who has finally broken out of her shell. It's Jenn! Who? Jenn, that's who! She's that covered in ink girl who is a sneaky little delicious bitch when she puts her mind to it. Where have you been all my life Jenn?! So, Shane tells Jenn that she is, in fact, a pawn. Jenn retorts, "Pawns go home too." Shane does his nod, "I understand that." Stop understanding you neon daisy! You say you understand all the time. You understand this, you understand that, yet you don't understand that grown men shouldn't dress like 14 year old girls. After Shane is done understanding, he apologizes to Jenn. Maybe he was misled. Maybe he was given false information. *face palm* He should have gone to her earlier. Oh well, I guess she'll just have to campaign for votes now. *bites fist* He thought Jenn was giving information to Frank & Boogie. He thought her relationship was Boogie was even stronger than Ian's.
Jenn crouches over listening to all of this and you can just tell she's so disgusted. Who the hell wears bright white tennis shoes with jeans anyways? (This is a major fashion pet peeve of mine. Seriously, just don't do it. Especially men.) Shane insists that none of this is personal and that it's all strategic. He says, "I put a big target on my head from doing this." Jenn pauses for a second while the machine in her head goes click, click, click. Get ready. Here it comes. "You sure did!" she spits back. "You know you can't play for HOH next week." And there you have it. That was a threat, my friends. A simple tiny threat wrapped up in a neon pink bow. Enjoy Shane!
Oh but Jenn isn't done yet. She then goes downstairs to the Foot Room to talk to Boogie. She tells him all she can think about is a lyric from one of her Kittie songs... You look so pretty, digging your grave. Jenn then tells Boogie how she told Shane he can't play in HOH next week. She's surprisingly angry for someone who is not the target and, I gotta tell ya, I love it!
Then Ian and his jugs come bouncing into the room. "Grrrr, I'm so angry! Grrr, I just wanna go out and start a fight with people. I might have to call Shane a fucking scumbag!" Oh pipe down Chachi. Shhh. You are not going to do any of those things. You're going to scour the house looking for crap to sell on eBay and then you're going to go swing in your hammock for 18 hours. Shut. Up.
And this brings us to what everyone has been waiting for. Boogie has collected his thoughts. He's calmed down a bit. And now it's time to unleash on that fairy fop Shane! *glitter falls from the sky* While sitting at the kitchen table dousing something or other in hot sauce, Boogie asks Shane, "I just want to know why you jerked us around." Shane replies that he was just trying to keep the POV Ceremony exciting for Big Brother. *looks around the room in confusion* Boogie says, "Because it looks like you like to jerk it. You're just Dan's bitch. He's in the DR laughing at you right now." Shane mumbles, "OK."
Boogie isn't done yet. Not even close! Boogie then says, "You're in a lot of trouble son. You better hope your boss wins HOH this week." Shane pretends to mess with some sundries on the counter, but really tinkle is running down his leg. "Is that a threat?" he asks. He continues, "I'm happy with my decision." Then, out of nowhere, Frank Costanza shouts, "You can stuff your sorrys in a sack!" Hang on a sec... *pads to the refrigerator, does a quick eenie meenie minie moe, and decides on the red bowl of glitter* Frank goes on, "Your boy Dan isn't helping you out at all right now."
Boogie eats his eggs or fois gras or whatever it is and announces, "Third place money, baby!" Annoying little gnat Ian asks, "You'll be going home with your stipend too. Is that like $20,000?" Boogie gently gnaws on a parsnip and chuckles, "A little more than $20,000... a little more." Try a LOT more. Try $100,000. And that doesn't include the $2000 a week stipend or prizes. Boogie continues munching on his Hot Pocket and says to Frank, "We gotta give it up to this guy, Frank. He's good. He's really good." 'He' in this case means Dan.
So lunchtime at Twenty-One is over and Frank and Boogie are back in the Foot Room again. Only this time, hairy french fry face Joe is there too. Boogie tells Joe he has no plans saying anything bad about Jenn this week. He actually likes the girl. He tells Joe that the other side of the house has nothing to offer him from here on out. If Joe sides with them and votes to keep Boogie, he'll always know where he stands with them. Boogie will never bullshit Joe and will probably, almost always, tell him some version of the truth. Joe nods and says he appreciates that. Give him 24 hours and he'll have a decision made. 100%. Just give him 24 hours to stew on it a little bit. At the end of the 24 hours he'll have his people call Boogie's people and then they can set up some face time for Joe to tell him that he is absolutely 100% voting to evict Boogie. Boogie replies, "I appreciate that."
Joe then asks Frank and Boogie if they think they have Ashley's vote. Boogie replies that it's 50/50 right now. Joe says that he'll need to know the status of her vote before he decides what to do. If he votes to keep Boogie and Ashley doesn't, he'll look like shit. Boogie nods and agrees. He realizes that Joe's nondecision is contingent upon Ashley.
Meanwhile, this whole time, Frank has been festering in his own funk. He blurts out to Joe, "Did you see Dan come help his boy (Shane) out? No! Boogie had my back in that fight with Willie and I've always appreciated that. I like how you stuck by Janelle. You stick to your fucking guns just like us." Frank would make a great militia leader, don't you think? He should frolic in the Texan countryside and hide bunkers of ammo throughout the wilderness. God, he's so weird.
Dan finally emerges from the DR, but Big Brother keeping the backyard locked up. There is nowhere to run Danny Boy. Frank and Boogie move into the Living Room where Dan is quietly not reading his Bible. It's an awkward silly silence where the boys are basically stalking Dan. Frank finally breaks the silence, "Mondays..." He laughs as Ian joins them. Someone shouts "Garfield!" and then Ian bellows, "Someone's got a case of the Mondays." Trust me, I know it's weird. Weirdly awesome!
With a shaking hand, Dan flips the pages of Ecclesiastes and remains mum. Boogie asks, "Are you just going to ignore us all week? It would be so much more fun if we could all just laugh about it. I tip my hat to you." Dan mumbles, "That's not necessary." Boogie chuckles to himself, "You're really fucking good. In the real world I hold no ill will against you, but in this game... I hate you." Funkified Frank doesn't like hearing this one bit, "I disagree!" Frank has no intention of liking Dan in the real world. Dan scumbagged him before Jury.
Boogie ignores his lover and jokes, "OK Dan we did a perfect job hiding our alliance. We did it! No one has any idea!" Everyone laughs but Dan. Boogie then sighs to himself and says Janelle is probably home right now with a giant dildo. Dan covers his ears hearing the word "dildo". Ewww sex! After another awkward silence Boogie says, "I don't know if you know this, but we don't get any extra money going to Jury. I don't know if Janelle told you that." And the Feeds cut.
Joe joins the sofa crowd at some point and the talk (Boogie talking to himself) turns to the Final 3. Boogie is telling everyone that if they're in the Final 3 with Dan, he will throw the final HOH comp so he doesn't have to slash Danielle's throat. Dan mutters that he hasn't thought that far ahead yet. Boogie scoffs, "Oh of course you have. You have it all worked out."
Rootin' tootin' Joe can't take it anymore. He just can't take it! Enough with the bullying! Stop bullying poor precious Dan! Boogie looks at Joe quizzically, "What bullying?" Joe says they're getting in everyone's faces. Boogie tells Joe that the only reason he think it is bullying is because Dan isn't say anything back. Boogie says Dan is counting on Joe feeling this way and that he shouldn't fall for it. Cowardly ninja. Frank farts and belches, "I'm allowed to be mad! I was scumbagged!" Boogie ignores Frank and tells Joe that he's not bullying Dan at all. He wants Dan to talk so they can laugh about it. Frank toots, "Boogie just tipped his hat to Dan! And what about lying and backstabbing? Isn't that bullying too? I got scumbagged!" You know, I have no idea what scumbagging is, but I can only assume it has something to do with not showering. If that's the case Frank, then yes, you got scumbagged.
Elsewhere, elsewhere, Danielle is crying. I know, right? What the hell does she have to cry about right now? I'll tell you what she's crying about. Her angina. And probably her vagina too. It's all floppy now. Yuck. Frank and Boogie are just so mean! Plus, she has a kind heart. And whenever people code on her table she tries, tries, to save them. Almost every single time she tries. Alright, maybe 1 time out of 10. But she tries! *dumps breasts into chilled red glitter* Oh Danielle, my sweet, never change. Never ever change. I love everything about you now. You're insanity is like a lovely chunky finger yanking on my tank top. "Come closer," it whispers. I can't say no to it. I just can't. In fact, I want to roll around with it and wrestle like when you wrestle with Shane and your big vagina. Please let me wrestle with you Danielle. Please.
This is where I went to take a shower and when I came back I found a brand new Danielle in the HOH bathroom fighting with Britney. I have no idea why they were fighting or what started it, but it went something like this:
"I can't help it if I'm emotional!"
"Well, I'm just not."
"You're so judgmental! Your tone!"
"I know. My friends tell me that too."
"I just needed to cry!"
"You can't let Frank and Boogie get to you."
"I don't get mad! I get sad. Well, I get mad when I battle anorexia."
It's like the town of Anorexia is Bunker Hill.
"Their strategy is to pull you in because you're emotional and it's working."
"Do I look fat?"
The house simmered down a bit after that and everyone seemed to go their separate ways. The night, though, oy the night brought something special to yours truly. So, I love yoga. I live it, breathe it, smoke it, snort it. And I was very excited to hear about how Ashley is such an accomplished yogini. The problem is that she never does it! She never does it and she goes and gets herself injured. (I did a rant on this a while ago on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Seriously, it chaps my ass.) ANYHOW, last night Ashley finally decided to hold yoga class in the backyard. Jenn and Britney joined her and the following tragedy ensued.
The class begins with Ashley telling everyone to breath in love. That sounds fine and airy fairy and why not breathe in love, right? It's better than breathing in hate. She did some alternate nostril breathing which is a very real thing and it helps your brain. Although she did hers really fast and it was odd. Maybe it's Kundalini. I have no idea. I'm more of a Vinyasa Flow gal myself.
After the heavy breathing Ashley guided everyone into a Downward Dog. Will you take a look at her? That is NOT a Downward Dog. That's is a dog that has been kicked in the nuts. There is no way in hell this chick has done yoga for 10 years.
We then move onto Pigeon - one of my favorites. Instead I call this Rape The Pigeon. Ashley holding her weight like that will only injure her. What a hot mess.
Camel was my favorite though. Jenn kept rubbing her ass going "Oooh". That's not really Camel, but hey, it cracked my shit up. Surprisingly, Britney did very well here. She did well throughout the whole class actually. Apparently, she does Bikram on occasion. Good for you Britney!
This one is called Happy Baby, but I'm renaming it Dead Baby. I hate this pose because it's like going to the gyno. Fun!
And this one is for the pervs.
We get some final stretches.
It was like the worst yoga class I've ever seen. And, oh my god, I hope they do it again! Only next time, they need to invite Danielle. Make it happen girls.
So, that's that. What do you think of Boogie and Jenn on the block? Does Boogie have a chance in hell at staying in the house? Will Jenn dig her own grave? Will Ian ever be found out? If I sold "Floppy Vagina" t-shirts, would you buy them? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!