Saturday, August 1, 2015

A Little Fall Of Rain

Once in a blue moon, the planets align, the gods look down on us favorably, and every virgin in my town has been roasted to a tender juicy golden crisp. On days like this you can almost feel the cosmic energy in the air. Your skin tingles, your hair blows freely, and all of nature seems alive and breathing. Even in a world removed, the Big Brother house, magic makes its presence known. Even in a tiny spot of this vast universe is the power of the cosmic pulse felt thumping rhythmically in time with the heart of the infinite. *thump, thump... thump, thump* Let's recap, shall we?

It is Friday in the Big Brother house and that means Nominations. Who will James put up? We know he wanted to target Shelli per Jason's instructions, but would he follow through? Who would he put up beside her? A twin? A Knight? A motormouth meth head? The answer is stuff dreams are made of...


James, the newly anointed resident BAD ASS, did what the universe asked of him. He nominated CLAY AND SHELLI! Side by side. At the same time. Simultaneously. In tandem. Concurrently. In concert with one another. And boy did that concert put out some beautiful music.

The song they song in each other's arms was a duet of pain...

Don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly save us now
You're here
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow

But you will live Mama Shell
Dear God above
If I could close your wounds with words of love

Just hold me now and let it be
Shelter me, comfort me

You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now

The rain can't hurt me now
The rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last
The rain that brings you here - is Heaven blessed
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest

(S) So don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
(C) Hush a bye dear Mama Shell
(S) I don't feel any pain
(C) You won't feel any pain
(S) A little fall of rain
(C) A little fall of rain
(S) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) I'm here
(S) That's all I need to know
(S) And you will keep me safe
(C) I will stay with you
(S) And you will keep me close
(C) Till you are sleeping
(S) And rain
(C) And rain
(S) Will make the flowers
(C) Will make the flowers grow


Shelli can't understand why anyone would nominate a mother and her son. Especially this week... of all weeks! This last week before players get sent to Jury. Do you realize what this means? This means that Oedipus and Jocasta (how weird is that?!) will be separated for the rest of the summer! This is the death of passion. And by "passion" I mean stiff unfeeling pecks on the cheek. But passion nonetheless! How will Shelli know if Clay is cleaning behind his ears and brushing his teeth before bed if she isn't there to remind him? Oh woe is love.

On her 20th breakdown of the afternoon, Shelli realizes that last week got her where she is right now. It's Vanessa's fault! It's Austin's fault! Basically it is everyone's fault but her own. Shelli approaches Austin and tells him that he has to remove her from the block if he wins POV. Austin would really like to but if he removes Shelli or Clay then one of the twins could go up and, sorry lady, he just can't do that. Shelli then wails, "You staying put us in this position!" No, you being an awful entitled bitch put you in this position, Sugar Tits.

Dwelling more about how she landed on the block, Shelli tells Vanessa that she regrets keeping Becky. It's all Vanessa's fault! Shelli didn't want Jason to go home. And why oh why did she throw the HOH to James. *more tears, more snot* Vanessa tries her best to console Shelli in the most laughable way ever. She tells Shelli that she's only known Clay for 7 weeks whereas Vanessa has been with her girlfriend nonstop for 2 years. Shelli's plight is nowhere near as tragic as Vanessa's. Haha! Let's just say, never go to Vanessa if your puppy dies or you lose your husband.

Meanwhile Clay is announcing that if he wins POV he will use it on Shelli. Meg and Jackie hear this and tell James while they're all hanging out in the HOH. James giggles loudly and says, "What a hero!" Meg laughs and says that she's tempted to use the POV on Clay if she happens to win just to make sure Shelli goes home. Jackie laughs, but James tells her not to do that because then he'll have to put someone up in Clay's place. Meg understands, but boy wouldn't it be funny to take Clay off and destroy his sacrifice for love. Yes! Yes it would be hysterical.

Do you want more details on all that went down yesterday? Of course you do! Do you want witty repartee and Medieval porn? Of course you do! Well then be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show live tonight at 10pm. Follow me on twitter for links. Or if you can't listen tonight, then be sure to download later on iTunes. We'll be judging the Liz Impression Contest which, from what I've heard of the submissions, will be HYSTERICAL. See you then!

Please to enjoy as you remember these two tragic souls...

Did you miss all the gorgeousness that took place yesterday? Oh my god, you silly fops! Today is the POV and believe you me, post comp will be magical. You have nothing to lose. One week free! Don't be left out.

And if you have any Amazon shopping to do, please click on any of the Amazon links to the right to get there. Thanks bitches!


  1. Hilarious and spot on. You could write for Zingbot!

  2. That Les Mis rewrite might be one of the best things ever. I guffawed.

    Down with Clelli! It just makes me giddy. #bestweekever

  3. This weeks BB vote. Who feels more sorry for themselves Messa or Shelli or my Ears? I can't wait to see Messa on the block it's going to be like a Alfred Hitchcock movie.

  4. Seeing Shelli sad is almost as glorious as seeing TrainBeck cry. I don't know how she managed to do it, but she's made Rachel Reilly and even Frankie (who will always be Fugly to me) pale in my hate book. I...can't...stand Shelli. I don't want her to be happy. Ever. Your latest post made me giggle like a school girl :)

  5. Bravo! Bravo! That was the most beautiful Opera ever! I love this Lala. Can't wait for the show to cover this tonight!

  6. I hope clay goes, because I want to see Shelli suffer. Suffer, victim. Also, somehow this flashes a Chinatown moment. I see, in my minds eye, Jack Nicholson smacking Clay around. "She's my sister! (slap), She's my daughter! (slap), She's my sister! (slap), She's my daughter! (slap).and repleat.

  7. This may be the best blog entry I have ever read. Great job Colette! Can't wait to see more!

  8. I'm just happy their playing real BB again. Fuck the BOB! I am enjoying watching Shel-lie suffer but I'm not proud of it or so I think I have to say.

  9. I absolutely hate the double HOH b.s. But not as much as I hate the obnoxious as hell Clay and Shelli.

  10. Now that Clay is gone the sixth sense becomes 5 cents.

  11. Thanks, love your blog. Wish you had time to write more often. Great season with lots o bitches. Van, Bec, shel
    and the biggest Dick tease ever, Liz. They should have their own show.

  12. We all miss your's the best! Wonder who will get to come back after Thirsdays show.

  13. OK. It's been a full month without a single update. You were such a great sidebar to the show. I really miss your analysis, snarkiness and active imagination.

  14. So CBS went to a Twins conference to recruit a set of twins for the show - and THIS is the best they could do?? OhMyLanta!!

  15. Hello ..... Nuthouse? Yes, I'd like to make a reservation please....

  16. In the finale podcast you said the best alliance name was "The Goblins". This came from Jason who got it from Big Brother Canada 2. Just like he got "Oh My Lanta" from Jon, the winner of Big Brother Canada 2. There wasn't much original about Jason.

    Why is this important? Why am I even commenting? (facepalm)