A Little Fall Of Rain

Once in a blue moon, the planets align, the gods look down on us favorably, and every virgin in my town has been roasted to a tender juicy golden crisp. On days like this you can almost feel the cosmic energy in the air. Your skin tingles, your hair blows freely, and all of nature seems alive and breathing. Even in a world removed, the Big Brother house, magic makes its presence known. Even in a tiny spot of this vast universe is the power of the cosmic pulse felt thumping rhythmically in time with the heart of the infinite. *thump, thump... thump, thump* Let's recap, shall we?

It is Friday in the Big Brother house and that means Nominations. Who will James put up? We know he wanted to target Shelli per Jason's instructions, but would he follow through? Who would he put up beside her? A twin? A Knight? A motormouth meth head? The answer is stuff dreams are made of...

Tada!

James, the newly anointed resident BAD ASS, did what the universe asked of him. He nominated CLAY AND SHELLI! Side by side. At the same time. Simultaneously. In tandem. Concurrently. In concert with one another. And boy did that concert put out some beautiful music.

The song they song in each other's arms was a duet of pain...

(Shelli)
Don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly save us now
You're here
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow

(Clay)
But you will live Mama Shell
Dear God above
If I could close your wounds with words of love

(Shelli)
Just hold me now and let it be
Shelter me, comfort me

(Clay)
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now

(Shelli)
The rain can't hurt me now
The rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last
The rain that brings you here - is Heaven blessed
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest

(S) So don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
(C) Hush a bye dear Mama Shell
(S) I don't feel any pain
(C) You won't feel any pain
(S) A little fall of rain
(C) A little fall of rain
(S) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) I'm here
(S) That's all I need to know
(S) And you will keep me safe
(C) I will stay with you
(S) And you will keep me close
(C) Till you are sleeping
(S) And rain
(C) And rain
(S) Will make the flowers
(C) Will make the flowers grow

*tear*

Shelli can't understand why anyone would nominate a mother and her son. Especially this week... of all weeks! This last week before players get sent to Jury. Do you realize what this means? This means that Oedipus and Jocasta (how weird is that?!) will be separated for the rest of the summer! This is the death of passion. And by "passion" I mean stiff unfeeling pecks on the cheek. But passion nonetheless! How will Shelli know if Clay is cleaning behind his ears and brushing his teeth before bed if she isn't there to remind him? Oh woe is love.

On her 20th breakdown of the afternoon, Shelli realizes that last week got her where she is right now. It's Vanessa's fault! It's Austin's fault! Basically it is everyone's fault but her own. Shelli approaches Austin and tells him that he has to remove her from the block if he wins POV. Austin would really like to but if he removes Shelli or Clay then one of the twins could go up and, sorry lady, he just can't do that. Shelli then wails, "You staying put us in this position!" No, you being an awful entitled bitch put you in this position, Sugar Tits.

Dwelling more about how she landed on the block, Shelli tells Vanessa that she regrets keeping Becky. It's all Vanessa's fault! Shelli didn't want Jason to go home. And why oh why did she throw the HOH to James. *more tears, more snot* Vanessa tries her best to console Shelli in the most laughable way ever. She tells Shelli that she's only known Clay for 7 weeks whereas Vanessa has been with her girlfriend nonstop for 2 years. Shelli's plight is nowhere near as tragic as Vanessa's. Haha! Let's just say, never go to Vanessa if your puppy dies or you lose your husband.

Meanwhile Clay is announcing that if he wins POV he will use it on Shelli. Meg and Jackie hear this and tell James while they're all hanging out in the HOH. James giggles loudly and says, "What a hero!" Meg laughs and says that she's tempted to use the POV on Clay if she happens to win just to make sure Shelli goes home. Jackie laughs, but James tells her not to do that because then he'll have to put someone up in Clay's place. Meg understands, but boy wouldn't it be funny to take Clay off and destroy his sacrifice for love. Yes! Yes it would be hysterical.

Do you want more details on all that went down yesterday? Of course you do! Do you want witty repartee and Medieval porn? Of course you do! Well then be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show live tonight at 10pm. Follow me on twitter for links. Or if you can't listen tonight, then be sure to download later on iTunes. We'll be judging the Liz Impression Contest which, from what I've heard of the submissions, will be HYSTERICAL. See you then!

Please to enjoy as you remember these two tragic souls...



Did you miss all the gorgeousness that took place yesterday? Oh my god, you silly fops! Today is the POV and believe you me, post comp will be magical. You have nothing to lose. One week free! Don't be left out.

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My Name Is Slim Julia

Hi!
My name is... WHAT
My name is... WHO
My name is SLIM JULIA!

Under the cover of night. Under the polyester of Ikea. Under so much stress she just couldn't handle it anymore! Julia, bony and pointy, covered her face with her hands and said the magic words.

Julia: "So who started this rumor that I'm like switching places with my twin?"
Vanessa: "Day. Is it true?"
Julia: "Um."
Vanessa: "You can totally trust me. I just want to know if your sister will join our alliance."
Julia: "Vanessa? It's true."
Vanessa: "It's true?!"
Julia: "I'm gonna cry right now."
Vanessa: "No, no, no, no, shush."
Julia: "I know you won't tell anyone, but I've been dying!"
Vanessa: "I'm going to protect you. You have to tell me when you do your switch."
Julia: "K"
Vanessa: "People saw the birthmark on your back. They're going to be looking for it."
Julia: "No?!"
Vanessa: "You guys need to fucking figure that out. That shit never needs to show."
Julia: "I know. Oh my god."
Vanessa: "So that's how much I have your back. I just told you that."
Julia: "I know. I know."
Vanessa: "So give me your word you're going to be in with us."
Julia: "Of course. Of course!"
Vanessa: "So how long do you need to make it to?"
Julia: "Week 5."
Vanessa: "Shit."
Julia: "Let me just tell you. I'm not Liz. MY NAME IS FUCKING SLIM JULIA."

And boom! There it is. Vanessa listens to this and covers her mouth with her fist. The two start to giggle uncontrollably because, seriously, how weird is it to hear a bomb like that? The two then decide that Austin has no idea and that eventually they'll have to tell him. Vanessa advises her not to tell Day anything because "you can't fucking trust her." Vanessa then tells her not to sleep so much and to definitely wear more hats because her roots are different from Liz's. She asks when the next switch will be. Slim Julia tells her that Production controls it, but that she thinks a switch will take place tomorrow (i.e. TODAY).

With the magic of time and space, we fast forward about an hour. Slim Julia has given Vanessa permission to spill the beans to Shelli and Clay. And spill the beans she does! Shelli hears the confirmation and leaps into her bed with a creepy excitement. Clay, meanwhile, sits and smiles stupidly. Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia is only telling them and Austin. She goes on, "Dude, I was in that room for like an hour. She was almost crying and I was like laughing." Hmm, I don't like this side of Vanessa. This report-everything-to-the-King-and-Queen-of-the-castle-Vanessa. Here I am waiting this whole time for her to start playing the game and who does she finally hook up with? The Dollanganger chuckleheads up in the HOH.

Shelli is ecstatic not only with this revelation, but with the fact that Vanessa is dutifully bringing her the information she so desires. I gotta tell ya, it sets my teeth permanently on edge watching Shelli happy. You have no idea how much I can't stand that girl. Vanessa then goes on to tell them that if both Liz & Slim Julia join the game, it's another number for them. Shelli beams and high fives Vanessa, "I love you!" Vanessa reiterates that she's trusting them and that she has a plan for how to go forward.

Slim Julia knows she can't make it to Week 5 without other people's support in the house. Vanessa tells Shelli that she and Day are the most perceptive people in the house and they catch visual clues more than anyone else. Shelli interrupts, "I like it!" SHUT. UP. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Vanessa continues that the alliance is Shelli, Clay, herself, Austin and then Liz and Slim Julia. It's really just the first four, but Liz and Slim Julia are extra votes. Shelli comments again, "This is so amazing." The girl can't help but interrupt. She HAS to get her word heard. She can't just sit and listen. She needs to take that entitled ownership she has about everything and pollute the universe with her nonsense. Let's remember - she was one of the LAST people to find out about the Twin Thing yet she has taken control of it like it was her discovery.

OK so Vanessa tells them that Slim Julia gets 30 minutes notice before the switch is going to happen. When that 30 minutes comes, the three of them are going to have to do some kind of distraction. AGAIN, Shelli interrupts by clapping her stupid hands, "This is so amazing!" Vanessa continues, "We're going to have to be strategic about this and help her. You (Shelli) have to talk details with her and help with, I don't know, her fucking back mole thing. She says she has a birthmark and her sister doesn't. You have to help her with that and also with the answers she's getting wrong. The discrepancies. She wants you to tell her so she can fix it and get the stories straight and come up with an excuse." Shelli moans, "I feel bad because I was trying to throw her under the bus." Vanessa says that Slim Julia is the skinnier one with more roots. Shelli adds, "You know what else? She's also breaking out and they're going to notice that. I don't want to be like, 'You have a pimple.'" Vanessa replies, "You're almost going to have to be brutally honest about stuff like that." And yet again, Shelli adds, "This is AMAZING!" I'll show you what's amazing. Your dismembered body in the Storage Room freezer. THAT'S amazing.

When Shelli started singing about her place in the game is when I had enough so I'll end this here for today. Kind of a crazy night in the house. I've got some more flashing back to do myself today. Apparently, Audrey tried to join forces with Day and flip all the votes. I mean, what?! The Evil Queen is up to her tricks again. Only, I've had a change of heart. I'm starting to like this Evil Queen and her instinctual need to lie and manipulate every second of the day. She's pathological. She's sociopathic. She's loca in the cabeza and it's pretty nuts to watch.

You gotta witness the magic (or evil) for yourself. Get of your keisters and get yourself some Live Feeds already! With new HOH's tonight - PLEASE let Audrey be one of them - it's going to be a drama filled evening. What are you waiting for?!

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Tally Me Banana

Day-o, Dayyyyyy-o. Daylight come and me want to go home. Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day-o. Daylight come and me want to go home. You can't tally Audrey's banana anymore, but you sure can make her want to go home, Day. Let's recap, shall we?

If you'll remember, yesterday the Evil Queen Audrey got into it with Jace the Jester as members of the court (specifically Merry Meg, Jason and Day) looked on. It turns out that Audrey has been stewing and stewing over how none of her minions came to her defense or threw rotten meat at Jace's head. I mean, that's what any good alliance member would do, right?

In her chambers, Audrey dwelled upon the night before and decided that the best thing to do would be to confront Day and ask her why she didn't pop a cap in Jace's ass last night. In the Have-Not room, Day stares at Audrey all bored-like while Audrey moans about people in the house giving Jace power. Day don't know nothing 'bout that. She's voting his ass home and has told him that to his face.

However, since we're here getting all real and into it, Day would like to know if Audrey has said anything negative about her to other people in the house. Audrey does that thing where she flings her hands wildly and clutches at her nonexistent pearls, "Me? I would never say anything bad about you. We're ride or die!" Day harumphs to herself and replies, "So that's your story? That's wachu gonna tell me. You stickin' to that?" Audrey frantically grasps at those invisible pearls some more and clears her throat, "Yes. I haven't said a thing to anyone. Ever! I'm a simple girl with a dream and last night I was a victim." Day says, "Well, I dunno about that, but my name was being dragged in the mud and my job last night was to stay out of it!"

Audrey then regains her composure and decides she needs to question Day about what's being said around the house. But before Audrey can get one word out, Day shuts her down, "Uh huh, boo. I ain't answering nothin'. I'm just staying out of it." Audrey says, "But who..." Day says, "Bitch, I just done said I ain't telling you shit." (Slight paraphrasing is my artistic right)

Audrey, staring into her crystal ball, looks up and says, "When I get HOH and I'm in a position of power, I don't want that to be why you come and tell me things." Day replies, "Wachu talking about, Willis? I'll tell you whatever I want to tell you whenever I want to tell you. Ya got that, boo?" Audrey mumbles and sighs, "OK."

And then something magical happens. Vanessa enters the room - wiggedy whack hat and all. Sensing the uncomfortableness in the room, Vanessa removes her hat and turns to the two other ladies, "While I have you here, this is a good time to bring this up. I was crying A-GAIN this morning and it's about that rumor." Audrey asks, "What rumor? Which rumor? Who's rumor?" Vanessa replies, "Well, the one you were saying specifically about me and Day and how Day told you I was in an all girl's alliance." Day perks up, "You told her that? Oh hell no!" And then she laughed inappropriately and reached into her boot for her nine.

Audrey then explains how Day came outside and said there was an all girl's alliance because the girls were all wearing black and getting ready to dance around the May Pole. Day says, "You lyin, bitch!" Vanessa says, "And I wasn't even wearing black!"

Day interrupts and addresses Audrey, "Wait, hold up! You just got done telling me that you ain't never said nothin' bad about me and now here's Cry Baby telling me you be talking mad shit about me this whole time. Is that correct? Is that what I'm extrapolating from this here conversation?" Audrey mumbles, "Well, umm, I..." Day laughs to herself and rises to leave the room, but not before delivering one last message. She turns to glance at Audrey over her shoulder, "Game on!"

With Day out of the room, Vanessa stares through her sunglasses and repeats, "I'm just really hurt. I was really hurt. Hurt. Me. Feeling. I could cry again." Oh god, please don't.

Day, having gone through the house fuming, returns to the Have-Not Room. Vanessa meekly walks up to her, "Just tell me, were you lying about the dancing under the May Pole. It's ok if you did." Day replies, "Bitch, I ain't never lied to you about no Satan worshiping women." Day then turns to Audrey, "True or False. I did NOT tell nobody nothing about them girls." Audrey replies... wait for it... "FALSE." Oh snap! Hide yo wife! Hide yo kids! Day reiterates to Vanessa that the only thing she ever said about her was that she didn't know where she stood.

Day is now satisfied. She has caught Audrey in a lie, but Audrey isn't rolling over just yet. She says again, "That's not true. Day told me you were in a girls alliance, Vanessa." Day smiles, "No I did not. That's fine though. I'm not worried. I'm not worried at all." Audrey says smugly, "Well, at least we don't have to pretend to be friends anymore." Wow!

Day then leans in one more time, "So you never told nobody that I said Vanessa was the head of an all girl's alliance?" Audrey replies, "No. Uh uh." Day hops off the dentist chair, "OK let's rally the troops!" Audrey sneers to herself, "Go for it. Whatever."

Day then returns with just about everyone in the house I think. Audrey tries to control the meeting first by saying, "Ok so Day is saying..." Day interrupts her and says, "Nu uh. I'm gonna speak."

Day: "Did she or did she not rally up all of you and tell you guys that Vanessa was at the forefront of this alliance?
Merry Meg: "Huh? What? I don't understand."
Male Voice: "Yeah, she did."
Vanessa starts crying.
Day: "Who gonna check me now, boo?"
Audrey: "Didn't Day sit on the couch and say, "Look at all the Satan girls wearing black."
Jason: "No, YOU said that."
Audrey: "NO I DID NOT!"
Jason: "You were the first person to say that!"
Audrey: "You are pathological. You really are."
Jason: "YOU are pathological! If you notice, you're the only one saying anything different."
Audrey: "Like what?"
Jason: "We're awl corroborating stories and YOU'RE THE LIAR!"
Audrey: "Like what?"
Jason: "Awl the mistrust in this house has been planted by YOU!"

There was screaming and arms flailing. Clay hid under his cowboy hat while James didn't quite know what to do with himself. Jason pulled a top hat and cane out of his pocket and danced an interpretive dance of anger and chaos. It was beautiful. I was moved. Not quite moved to the point of tears as Vanessa has already used up our daily allowance, but nonetheless! The feeds came to life and Audrey is a pariah. It was a beautiful bunch o'ripe banana.

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Flip The Switch, Bitch!

Sometimes things turn on with the flick of a switch, with a drumroll, with a curtain slowly rising or even with the loud bang of a gun shot into the sky. Big Brother 17, however, began with a Douchebag. A bouncing insufferable Douchebag of epic proportions. He jingled, he jangled. He dressed and undressed. He griped and moaned. He massaged his own nipples with creepy tenderness. And wasn't it all just a little bit glorious? Let's recap, shall we?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jace. He is a giant tool and like I suggested on the Big Brother Gossip Show this week, he's a shot caller and a leader in his own warped sun baked mind.

The second the feeds went live, Jace tap danced onto our screens and forced everyone to sit in a circle before introducing themselves and giving "shout out's" to everything from parents, siblings, friends, the girls at Claire's (Becky), dogs, and websites. It was loud and awful and I really wanted Johnny Mac to stick needles full of novocaine inside every single one of Jace's orifices. Sadly, that did not happen. Speaking of sadly!

The mention of the outside world was much too much for Vanessa. After saying hello to everyone she cares about, she then spent the next 8 hours crying about how being away from her girlfriend is SO hard. Being in this house is SO hard. Having to lie to people is SO hard. Wait, hold up! Aren't you a poker player? Isn't lying what you do for a living? Yet one week in a house with 15 other people leveled Vanessa into a pile of crumbs and ash. The money on the line isn't worth it for her to be this sad. And THAT, right there, is why recruits are such a bad idea. They get to skip the pysch eval - I'm assuming this is true, because homegirl here needs a 5150 with a Haldol chaser - and they're thrown into something they really don't know all that much about. I expected moxie and sass from Vanessa. Instead I got snot and little puddles of make-up on the floor. 

So that's how the night started, but let's do some quick housekeeping so we all know where we stand. 

James and Jason both won their respective HOH's. James nominated Jackie and Steve with Jason nominating Becky and Johnny Mac. In the Battle Of The Block, that has yet to air, Becky and Johnny won thus removing themselves from the block. As it stands this morning, pre-POV, James is HOH and Jackie and Steve are on the block. BUT there appears to be a plan in place to backdoor Jace. 

The plan is legit enough that everyone playing in the POV is planning on throwing it for Jackie to win. Letting Steve win is too much of a gamble and these homies want to ensure that Jace goes up and then out the door. I'm not sure what Steve did, but I'm guessing that he has rubbed the house in the wrong way doing something awkward or putting his foot into his mouth. Vanessa at one point made mention that she didn't like how the house was treating him. And then her face melted off again and her lifeless skull stared vacantly into the camera for another 85 minutes.

I guess Jace is a pain in the ass. I mean, the guy is an arrogant over-the-top douchemaster of all the douche people, but that's not even the worst part! To my horror Jace and my precious Austin are bros of the douchiest degree. The have nicknames for people, they walk around shirtless. There's lots of mutterings of, "We got this, Bro." And apparently, they hate Jeff. I'm not sure why, but they find him sketchy as all get out - mainly because of his "Dad Bod." 

So basically I've lost my 2 favorites in the house - Austin and Vanessa - in one fell swoop. I'm not giving up yet though. Let's have a little faith. Maybe Jace will leave and Austin will become normal again. Perhaps Vanessa can scrape up what's left of her dignity and make another knitted chapeau with it. Who the hell knows.

It's always a little difficult on Day 1 to figure out where the alliances lie and who is going after whom, but I get the sense that Clay and Audrey are quite close. An unlikely pairing, but I think I like it. Audrey appears to always have her head in the game. She watches the others closely and studies their mannerisms - something I expected from Vanessa, not necessarily Audrey. And that whole transgender thing? Not the slightest bit of an issue at all. Audrey is just another female HG.

Speaking of the females, unfortunately Meg appears to be a part of Clay and Audrey's alliance. I say "unfortunately" because I can't stand her. None of them trust Becky and the consensus is that Becky and all of her price guns will be the next to go. Plus, Audrey thinks that Becky owns the store she works in since she won't shut up about it. The three worry that Becky or Liz will win the next HOH. From what I can gather, Liz is tight with Jace so she'll be none too happy if the lad is backdoored this week. 

A little later on though, we find out that Audrey is a true alpha with a secret alliance (the one we saw on TV) with Da'Vonne. The two sit and discuss how long they'll keep Clay and Shelli around before getting rid of them. They decide they'll dump Clay first since Shelli has no social game to speak of. Audrey doesn't even think Shelli is playing the game and will be easy to beat in the end, but Da'Vonne has had her eye on her and thinks Shelli has been talking to both Clay and Meg. And as far as Vanessa is concerned, Da'Vonne doesn't think she has any real alliances. Audrey nods and implies that Vanessa is a total floater. 

If we talk a bit about the guys, Jace is ticked off with Jason over something to do with the POV. I think Jason had "Houseguest's Choice" and didn't pick Jace so now Jace has a big bug up his ass. As far as Steve goes, he's creepy and shady and possibly wigging out over being on the block. No one is too concerned over him going home if the Jace plan doesn't pan out. 

Speaking of Jace, he seems to be getting a whiff that something is "off" within the house. He talks to Austin in the bathroom, "I am REALLY pissed off right now. Jason was never my idea." I'm not sure what that means, but Austin advises Jace to calm down and go solidify his alliance with James so he doesn't get put on the block after POV. Jace whines, "This game sucks so much." Austin replies, "Dude, I think you're good... You're good." Austin guesses that James would probably put Clay on the block if the POV gets used. The conversation then turns to Audrey. They both agree that Audrey is playing all sides of the house. Jace says, "She's so fucking catty!" 

I've been watching this conversation over and over again and I still can't figure out exactly what's going on. Earlier Austin was training Jason's glutes and from what I can gather, Jason said something to Austin about Jace? POV? I don't know. Jace got wind of what Jason said and now Jace is freaking out over this piece of knowledge Jason has. Jace suspects Audrey is responsible for spreading something while Austin suspects it could have been Jeff. If you know what this is all about, definitely leave a comment below because I'm completely lost. What I do know is that it's all sending Jace to crazy town and I like it!

Overall, we've got a strategic house with lots of lying and alliances already in place. As annoying as Jace is, I kind of hope he manages to save himself. Steve is bringing nothing to the table and the house would be no different without him. Who would you rather see go home? Can Audrey keep all of her plates in the air spinning? Will Vanessa ever get put back together again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Vanessa: The L Word

GinaMarie, is that you? Nope. In fact this is 32 year old Professional Poker Player Vanessa Rousso from Las Vegas. She's wearing harem jeans, neon pink suspenders and a wiggedy whack hat. From the photo alone, I'm prepared to despise her.

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

You know what? I'm kinda liking Donatella. I can sense she has life experience unlike some of the other children cast on this season. I'm impressed with her to the point that I'll even forgive her that wiggedy whack hat. I also love the idea of a Professional Poker Player in the house... and now the obvious question is - Does Da'Vonne know her? How big is the poker world? I personally have no idea, but I definitely like the idea of the two of them teaming up. Both are strong women with maturity and definite opinions on life. None of that flighty itchy giggly unsure phoniness from these gals. I feel confident in assuming we'll gets lots of drama from Vanessa. But it'll be conniving manipulative drama. Ooohhh my favorite kind!

And better yet, homey here has a girlfriend. Fantastic! As a passionate fan of The L Word and all things Shane McCutcheon, I am predicting exciting and fabulous things from Vanessa. She's a tough broad and I dig it. I'm always looking for a lady to run the house and steal the title of the last HG standing. Could Vanessa be my girl? I sure hope so!


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