Idiots Need Not Apply

Good morning my lovelies! I'm in a good mood today... not sure why. Could it be because I'm going to treat myself to a kick ass new phone today? There's no one I love getting gifts for more than myself. ;) Knowing BB is coming to an end is a bittersweet feeling I need to come to terms with every year. On the one hand, I'm very glad to not have to sit here and watch my computer all the time. On the other hand, I'll have to find a whole new set of people to make fun of now. It takes a few days to adjust back into my normal routine which is why every year after BB I run for the hills. Literally, I get the hell out of Dodge and have some quality "me" time. The trip is all planned. I leave next Friday. Instead of looking forward to my little vacay, I'm actually fretting over when is the best time to post my Survivor Premiere recap over on the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Survivor is only once a week... how will I make sure all you bitches will keep coming back and not forget about me? Oh, but I won't think about that today. "I'll think about that tomorrow." (Tell me where that quote comes from and you're a winner!)


The house is super laid back now as you can imagine and the HG's literally slept all day. BB isn't really even bothering to wake them up anymore. When they do finally get up Kevin asks America to vote for him. Ragamuffin immediately bitches about how they won't be eligible for the "Juror's Prize". Kevin corrects her and tells her that everyone is eligible, but that it doesn't matter because Jeff will win anyways. Ragamuffin says, "You never know." Bitch you have no chance in hell at winning. My money is on Jeff or Jordan to win America's Favorite. Kevin says Jeff never even really played the game and that he should thank Jordan for winning the Coup D'Etat. Kevin thinks the pairing of Jeff and Jordan is what made Jeff so popular. He's not too far off the mark actually. Had Jeff been tight with, let's say, Lydia, America probably would not have voted for Jeff to get the Wizard Power.


Kevin says he's really conscious about everything he says now knowing that America has begun voting for their winner. Ragamuffin thinks people already know who they're voting for and that what happens now makes no difference. Kevin disagrees and cites Keesha as his example. He said how the last episode aired of Keesha was when she was betrayed. She got a good edit and America voted for her. I can't disagree with that. I found Keesha to be insufferable. I couldn't stand that screechy crazy bitch. I never could figure out how in the hell she won America's Favorite.


Kevin makes his way outside and he and Jordan begin talking about what they're supposed to do with their time now. Jordan asks BB if they can go on a field trip. Kevin says even a "ghetto field trip" would be fine. Jordan agrees and says a ride in a car would be sufficient (of course she didn't use the word "sufficient"). They both think a ride in a car around the CBS lot would be very cool.






Not long after, Ragamuffin comes outside. She animalistically chomps her cereal and kills all the fun. Jordan goes inside and Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to recap the game and the plays people made. They keep bringing up Chima and how Ragamuffin thinks she was done wrong. Kevin is saying that is was actually smart that Michele nominated Chima. He says that Michele got suspicious of them all because Jessie's girls were acting like someone died when he left. He says, "Michele was smart. She smelled blood and was like 'Bye Chima'" Ragamuffin gets quiet and refuses to comment.



They talk about how they couldn't believe Michele got the fact/fiction question wrong that said that Lydia and Jessie weren't talking in the jury house. Apparently, Michele thought that comp was geared towards Natalie to win since it was about Natalie's friends. Ragamuffin scoffs and says that's ridiculous. She wasn't friends with Casey and they asked about him. Kevin says, "You know how BB makes you suspicious of everything."




Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to play pool. They talk about their favorite comps and they agree that they both liked the Otev comp. Not long after Ragamuffin tells Kevin he'll be the biggest douchebag to America if he doesn't take her to Final 2. She tells him there's no way he'll win unless he takes her. Kevin doesn't comment and changes the subject to Russell. He says he always thought Russell and Natalie had a secret thing going on. He asks Ragamuffin about her conversations with him and Ragamuffin says she can't remember any conversations with him at all. Kevin is kind of quizzing Ragamuffin about things she's done in the house and it's a quiz she's not doing well at. Kevin says, "So you swear you had nothing with him?" Ragamuffin says, "I swear!" Kevin asks, "Then why did you cry when he left?" Ragamuffin says she started to feel bad about the things she did. Yeah right.

Kevin says he's dying to figure out all the secrets in the game and Ragamuffin says she's doubting everything about Kevin. She begins to give him a guilt trip about how she threw the HOH comp. He tells her he's done way much more for her than Jessie ever did. He brings up Pandora's Box and how Ragamuffin swore on everything she was telling the truth. Kevin thought it was weird that Julie didn't really ask her about it and how Ragamuffin brought up the proposal on her own. He's still suspicious about it all since they didn't bother to make it a huge part of the show on Thursday. He thought for sure Julie would ask specifically about the proposal and she didn't. Ragamuffin tells him Julie didn't even ask her about it in their private interview and she begins to whine again about how Kevin should give her his Japanese hoody. He still says no way.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty low key. At night they got a bunch of games like croquet, dominoes, crafty things, etc. Ragamuffin made them all dinner and Kevin was scared he'd get salmonella from it. Ragamuffin is on this new cooking kick where she wants to try to cook something new every night. Kevin tells her to cook fish tomorrow and then he says he'll make Hamburger Helper for himself. LOL

All 3 remaining HG's begin to discuss 9/11 and where they were when the planes hit. Jordan says that she was in school and someone came into her classroom to tell her teacher what happened (it's like that scene in Mermaids when Winona Ryder's teacher hears about when Kennedy was shot). The teacher told the class and Jordan put her head down on her desk and fell asleep. Yes, go back and reread that sentence. Jordan goes on to say that she didn't even know what the Twin Towers were and thought it wasn't a big deal at all. Kevin is mildly horrified. You can tell by the look on his face. Ragamuffin says she was in elementary school at the time. At least she got that lie correct.

8 years ago Jordan was 14 or 15, right? This is what bugs me. How could a 15 year old not grasp the severity of 9/11? Even little kids knew that something was amiss when that went down. Children are very peceptive when something isn't exactly right. I remember when Reagan was shot and being told to say a prayer for him. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew it was serious. As far as 9/11 goes, I remember I was at my parents house when it happened. I was actually watching Good Morning America and I saw the 2nd plane hit. When we heard there were more planes unaccounted for and that some might be headed to DC, my mom became very worried for my little brothers and sisters. Their high school was right next to the CIA and she wanted them to come home. ALL the schools in the area let out early and I remember looking out the window and seeing all the roads packed with cars. Everyone was coming home from work and school. The country completely stopped that day. Maybe one of my readers can tell me if it was different in a small town. My experience was that everything paused. Is that just because I'm near Washington DC?

Anyhow, Jordan asks Kevin what happened with the planes and Ragamuffin says there were bombs on the planes. Kevin says, "There weren't no bombs girl! They crashed into buildings!" Ragamuffin refuses to believe it and Kevin goes on to explain how the terrorists took over the cockpit. He tells the two idiots how before 9/11 the cockpit wasn't locked and airport security was completely different than what it is now. He says little kids used to be able to tour the cockpit and go see the pilots.

Jordan then says her boobs feel weird and she asks Kevin to touch them. Ragamuffin says, "Have you ever touched a boob before?" He says no and Jordan says they don't feel right and she wants to get them fixed. Jordan talks about how she loves to watch the food channel and I think to myself she just makes it way too easy. Bitch doesn't cook. Why in the hell is she watching Rachel Ray? Wait. Don't answer that. I know why she's watching. I just lost my head there for a second.

Well, I'm going to end this here because I've got a new phone to go buy and I'm too antsy to ramble anymore.

Oh CBS has posted the application for BB12. Please, if you're an idiot, do not apply! I can't take it anymore. I want some smart crafty players to entertain me next summer not Chrissy Snow from Three's Company. And whoever suggested I go out for BB12 in yesterdays comments, here's what I have to say about that: Hell no! Knowing that there are evil people like me out in the world making fun of the HG's each and every day is not my cup of tea. I'd totally hook up in the house and then I'd be labelled the House Slut and be forced to do Playboy after I got out or some shit like that. I'd have to tour the country judging wet t-shirt contests and, as fun as that sounds, it probably gets old real quick. As flattered as I am that you think I'd make a great HG (I totally agree btw), I think I'll stick to my high maintenance existence and continue to observe from the sidelines. The idea of 10 weeks without internet, TiVo, or my leprechaun is too horrific to imagine.

Quick hello to Cheryl. What the hell took you so long babe?

One more thing, they reset the votes over at the BBTop50 so I need your votes more than ever now. I was ahead by almost 300 votes. WTF! Bitches. Ok so click on the voting button up at the right hand corner of this page and then click "Enter This Site". Thanks everyone!

Gah! One more thing... that shitty site that's totally stealing from me just gave away a mug in some contest... are you fucking shitting me? Why can't they get any ideas of their own?

I Have Your Life In My Hands

You know how sometimes you're just so conflicted that you have no choice but to sit quietly and not make a single decision? That's where I'm at right now. I'm deep in the bowels of confusion. Do I smoke my opium or drink my bathtub gin? Do I wear the Manolos or settle in with a cozy cashmere pashmina? Do I tickle my leprechaun or beat him violently? Today Show or Good Morning America? Mac or PC? Blake or Leighton? Fringe or rhinestones? Treadmill or full body Swedish massage? Anna Karenina or porn? Vitamins or Percodan? Chasing the dream or chasing the dragon? Kevin or Jordan? Jordan or Natalie? What's a girl to do!

Maybe if I backtrack and reevaluate how I got myself into this predicament I can uncover some answers. Let's begin with the CBS show last night. Loved it! Fucking loved it. I was a little nervous about the past HG's being on that panel, but when they echoed exactly what I've been saying all season long I knew it was a good idea to have them on. Whenever anyone anywhere agrees with me, the world is at peace and fairies get their wings. Boogie, Janelle, Danielle, and Dick all want Kevin to win and they think the Ragamuffin has played a strong game. Janelle was totally lying by the way. Oh and why did she look like a stewardess last night? She's gorgeous, but I hated what she was wearing. I follow her on Twitter and she most definitely wants Jordan to win not Kevin. I think she only said Kevin last night because saying she wants to Jordan to win (for essentially zero game play) would have made her look like an ass.

How wretched did Dick look last night? He's always been a little rough around the edges, but he looked horrible last night. Deep dark circles, craggly crevices, unusually laid back demeanor... he had me confused as a matter of fact. Last night in the chats, I joked that he'd tapped the vein and was riding his own melt, but now I have a new theory. In the past Dick was always all over Janelle. I mean, he couldn't keep his hands off her during those Real Player interviews he did. It was during those interviews where I learned to like Janelle actually. I had never really cared for her in the past, but when I saw how she handled Dick with class and grace I learned to respect her. Anyhow, here's what I'm thinking: Dick was totally pawing on Janelle prior to the live show and, as a result, Janelle verbally and publicly rebuked him humiliating him in front of CBS VIP's. By the time their segment came around, Dick was defeated, rejected, and over it all. Similarly, Janelle was annoyed and uncomfortable. And that's why they were so weird last night. I totally pulled that out of my ass by the way, but it sounds good and it's filled with drama so I'm totally running with it and declaring it a fact.

Another thing I was totally right about was the Jury House. I knew it would be all love and light. I loved how the jurors cheered when Jeff came walking in and then immediately gave him a hug. It was the best of both worlds. And how genius is it that they all hate Natalie? That was a total game changer for me last night. I was truly a little bit shocked by Jessie's disdain for the Ragamuffin. Whatever Lydia has been doing (and you know she's been badmouthing Natalie the whole time) she deserves a fruit basket or something. Maybe I'll send her an Edible Bouquet when she gets out of the house. By the way, those Edible Bouquets are AWESOME. I think I've received 3 so far this year alone. I've also sent a couple to friends. If anyone ever wants to get on my good side, send me an Edible Bouquet with the pineapple pieces half dipped in chocolate and I'm yours. The way to my heart is through fruit... and illegal drugs smuggled from Thailand in the anus of a drunken Irish little person.

OK now let's get to what I'm sure all of you are waiting for: Part 2 of the HOH. Clutch your pearls in shock because I'm going to say it... Jordan kicked ass last night! I've got to hand it to Pork Rind Polly. She was focused, quick, and didn't crumble under the pressure. I have no choice but to completely respect that and give her praise. Ragamuffin, on the other hand, choked choked choked! She couldn't even remember the order of the HOH's let alone get the damn ball in the hole. As soon as Jordan killed it last night I knew what we were all in for... a bitchy, moany, whiney, complaining, excuse-ridden Ragamuffin. If you thought the normal Ragamuffin was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. A scorned Ragamuffin is much worse and far more annoying.

Thankfully, the feeds came back almost immediately after the show ended. While I feared the Ragamuffin's wrath, I also couldn't wait to delight in her misery. Immediately, she started saying that she could have won in 2 seconds and that somehow BB was at fault. When her balls went into the wrong holes she didn't adjust and account for her mistakes (or so she says) and that's what screwed her up. Yeah ok sure. She didn't know the order, she sucked at putting the balls in, and she panicked... that's why she lost and she has no one to blame but herself. Kevin tried to be the peacemaker and asked the girls what the competition was like. Ragamuffin refuses to answer him, but Jordan obliged and told him everything. Kevin asked if the balls were basketballs. Jordan said, "No, volleyballs. Same thing." LOL Since when are vollyballs and basketballs the same thing?

Kevin walks out of the room in search of water and an old fashioned hand fan I'm sure. Jordan tries to make Natalie feel better by telling her that she had one ball wrong too. Ragamuffin snarls and scratches her hind legs. She keeps pouting and Jordan tells her that she's sure her crack showed on live tv during the comp. Kevin eventually wanders back into the room and Ragamuffin let's out a huge sigh. She says, "Now I'm in the position Michele was in... loser." Kevin scoffs and kind of ignores her and Ragamuffin keeps maniacally shuffling her deck of cards. You can tell Kevin is so over it at this point. I'm sure his inner monologue was, "If this bitch keeps this shit up for the next 5 days, I'm gonna cut her."

Jordan gets called to the DR and as soon as she's out of the room, Ragamuffin says, "Jordan killed me. It wasn't even close. It wasn't even close in any way." She immediately starts in on Kevin. She says, "I hope if you win you stick with the plan and take me." Kevin says, "Well this isn't going according to plan." Ragamuffin begins to bitch about how she regrets throwing Part 1, how she totally could have won, how it was her competition to win, blah blah blah. For the record, Kevin would have kicked her ass in that competition regardless. Ragamuffin says what will become her favorite phrase of the night, "My whole life depends on you right now. I don't think Jordan would take me." She then says to Kevin, "I know you have a Final 2 with Jordan." Kevin, not missing a beat, replies, "I know you have one too." Kevin says they should just enjoy the fact that they've both made it to the very end in the house and make the most over the next few days. He says the other option is to be miserable and have diarrhea. Ragmuffin says, "I know, but it all depends on whether or not I can trust you." So basically she just said that if Kevin takes her she'll be happy, but if he doesn't she'll be miserable and will make him miserable too.

Ragamuffin, fighting the urge to scratch her fleas, keeps saying, "If I would have won... If I would have won..." And here is where we discover her real concern. She's nervous now that if she does make it to the Final 2, she's only won one competition and that was due to a tiebreaker. She's incredibly worried that she doesn't even have a case to present to the jury for being deserving of the prize. She says, "What the hell am I going to say to them? I don't even have a case to plead now." She says how she has her speech to whomever wins HOH all planned and Kevin tells her Julie will probably just ask for a quick statement and not even give her time to give a speech. Ha! Even Kevin is getting tired of her rehearsing her speeches all the time. Ragamuffin says, "Well Kevin, my life is in your hands now."

The misery is far from over. Ragamuffin says she has no back up plan now. Kevin tells her her back up plan is Jordan. He says, "You've been working her constantly." Ragamuffin vehemently denies it and Kevin says Ragamuffin has bonded with Jordan and that's what matters most to Jordan. Ragamuffin says, "Well she helped me put a tampon in, but that's not bonding." Kevin says he never talks to Jordan so he hasn't bonded with her at all.

Ragamuffin begins to go over the votes in the Jury House and she doesn't think she can beat Jordan anymore. She says Jordan will definitely have 3 votes: Jeff, Michele, Lydia. She says it'll all come down to America. If that happens I think we know Jordan will win hands down. My biggest fear is that Jordan wins HOH and takes Natalie with her to the Final 2. This is my nightmare. I honestly don't know how the jurors will vote because, depsite the fact that they've said they don't like Natalie, I don't think they even considered the possibility of Jordan going to Final 2. In my heart of hearts, I just don't see Jessie or Russ voting for Jordan to win. Ragamuffin indeed might be right about a tie which means Jordan would win and I just can't live with that.

Ragamuffin continues to fret and she's just about shredded her stupid twist tie ring. She tells Kevin if Jordan evicts her, Kevin will get her vote. If Kevin evicts her, Jordan will get her vote. It's a threat basically. Kevin says he doesn't want to talk strategy anymore because he knows America has begun voting. Personally, I think he just wanted to get away from the Ragamuffin and get her to shut up.

Jordan comes out of the DR and Kevin gets called in. What do you think happens? Yup. Ragamuffin. almost instantaneously, throws Kevin under the bus. She tells Jordan that Kevin said Jordan would be stupid if she didn't take Natalie to the end. Very sneaky you stupid cunt. Ragamuffin then explains to Jordan what Part 3 will be. She describes a "Who said what?" game and tells Jordan it's completely up in the air as to who will win it. Then Ragamuffin utters the phrase that pays, "I hope you win Jordan... My life is your hands. My life is truly in your hands." Oh stuff a sock in it Natalie. Ragamuffin tells Jordan that now Kevin has 5 days to convince Jordan to take him to the end. Jordan swears that she won't let Kevin change her mind and I suddenly remembered something that makes my ass twitch. When Jeff left he told Jordan to stick with Michele and trust her. He also said if Michele leaves, to stick with Natalie and trust her. His idiocy still lingers. Is Jordan going to follow his advice or make her own decisions? You and I know it serves Jordan to take Natalie to the end, but shhhhh I don't want her knowing that. I want Kevin to win this game dammit and I can't have Jordan fucking it all up.

Ragamuffin then warns Jordan that the DR will try to convince her to take Kevin to the end. Then we get fish. She's right you know and I'd be a hypocrite if I said, "who cares?" I didn't like BB meddling before so I don't think they should meddle now. *takes a hit of opium* The feeds come back and Ragamuffin is telling Jordan how Kevin never told either of them who he was keeping this week. She says, "That's what he does. He plays everyone." Jordan, made entirely of cotton candy at this point, says she thought they were going to get to go on a trip because they all packed their bags. She was excited to go somewhere. Yeah... ummm this bitch cannot win. I fear for Mr. O'Shaugnessy's life if Jordan wins Big Brother. She's SO stupid and I just... I can't... I cannot sit here and say it's ok for the trailer park idiot to win the whole kit and kaboodle. Stupidity of that caliber should never be rewarded.

Jordan asks Natalie if Kevin said she was taking her to the end. Natalie says no. Whew! She could have lied there and made Kevin out to be the bad guy, but I don't think it crossed her mind in time. Ragamuffin advises Jordan not to say anything to Kevin and to just ride it out. Jordan tells her that Kevin keeps asking her questions and it makes her think that Natalie and Kevin are talking about what Jordan says. Ragamuffin shrugs it off and says that Kevin does the same thing to her too. Jordan then tells Ragamuffin everything Kevin ever said about taking her to the Final 2. *removes hot poker from the fire place and jabs it right between the eyes*

Here's where my panic sets in. Pasta Primavera Patty is telling Ragamuffin that she has no intention of taking Kevin to the Final 2. I began to weep and I sent Mr. O'Shaugnessy out back to fetch me some thorns and start building my cross. Yes, my dear readers, I'm ready to sacrifice myself at the injustice of Jordan winning this game.

Kevin comes out of the DR and Natalie gets called in. Jordan tells Kevin she doesn't entirely trust him *crying while stirring my bathtub gin with a large wooden oar* She says she's scared that Natalie has so many friends in the jury house. *catches a tear before it falls and looks up like a dog hearing the word "treat"* Jordan then begins to compare everything she's won to everything Kevin has won. They're very close so voting on that point will be 50/50. She compares how many guaranteed votes each one of them has. Jordan has Jeff and Kevin has Lydia. Again, they're equal. Neither of them think they have Jessie's or Russell's vote so that makes them 50/50 too. Jordan concludes saying that'll it'll all be 50/50 and most likely come down to America's vote (she's wrong, but shhh she doesn't know that). Kevin tells her that Natalie would probably get America's vote because she's young and she got engaged and America loves that shit (wrong). Jordan confides that Natalie makes her nervous.

Kevin tells Jordan that he's had his mind made up ever since Pandora's Box. In his mind, Pandora's Box changed everything. When Ragamuffin made up that lie about the reverse Final 2 Kevin knew he couldn't trust her and the fact that she chose to see her boyfriend instead of play in the veto showed him that she really didn't care if he went home. He tells Jordan that it was then that he decided he wanted to take Jordan to the end with him. Kevin tells Jordan that he's not going to torture Ragamuffin this week. He'll simply leave her alone. He reassures her that he's been thinking about taking her to Final 2 for a while now. Jordan tells Kevin that ever since Jeff left she's been thinking about teaming up with him too. *calls to Mr. O'Shaugnessy to drop the thorns and bring me a mimosa* Kevin tells Jordan that he knows Ragamuffin is lying to him by saying she would have taken him to the end. He's not stupid and he knows she's just freaking out right now.

Here's my dilemma: Can Kevin really win against Jordan? Jordan could easily get votes from Jeff, Michele, and the the spiteful Natalie. Jordan will 100% win America's vote. Before I start to injure myself or my leprechaun anymore, let me review what I'd like to see happen. If Jordan wins HOH, I want her to take Kevin. That way Kevin will still get Natalie's vote. That's his best bet at this point. If Kevin wins HOH, I kind of want him to take Natalie only because it's a definite win for him. If Jordan wins and takes Natalie, I'll kill myself and my leprechaun. Having said all that, I still don't know who to root for for Part 3. I hate it when I can't put my voodoo curses on someone to lose. I kind of want Jordan win so Kevin will still get Natalie's vote and I kind of want Kevin to win just so I know he's 100% going to the Final 2. I hate being so conflicted!

I need to tear myself away from my personal turmoil and focus on, what will no doubt become added inner turmoil, the Bitchy franchise. If you're not already, you guys need to be checking the Bitchy Survivor Blog daily. More is going up there everyday and I've updated all the past posts with videos. In addition, the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog will be growing exponentially over the weekend. The cast was announced and I'll be posting my bitchy first impressions and videos over the next few days. A Meet The Cast intro/video was already posted yesterday. Note to the baby makers: You all need to be following Amazing Race too. I must insist on this. :)

For instantaneous updates, follow me on Twitter! As soon as I post, I tweet. @ColetteLala

Don't forget to keep voting for your favorite Big Bitchy Contest Finalist. The stories can be found here and the voting is in the poll at the top of the page. I'm pretty impressed with the voting so far. One admission has already gotten Ronnie's support (I totally think it was the light saber remark that did it) and another is avidly promoting on message boards. That's what I like to see! Everyone whoring themselves and lots of shameless plugs for my blog. Margaritas for everyone!