Thursday, September 10, 2009

Big Bitchy Contest Finalists!

(Today's recap is in the post before this one)

After hours of reading and scoring, I finally have the contest finalists. This was not an easy feat at all. I didn't want to use any favoritism (no matter how much some of you sucked up ;)) so I did not come to this decision alone. Many thanks to PrettyPlainJo for all of her help and contributions.

Here's how the contest was judged. We gave each and every answer a positive or negative numerical score and added up the totals at the end. The people with the highest scores are the finalists. We indeed had a tie so I'm pleased to announce 5 finalists.

Thanks to all who entered!

The finalists are (in alphabetical order):

dragonmw40

JoCaPa

kdb112

KevinFTW

misty

It's up to all of you to pick the winner. You have one week to vote for your favorite. Finalists should employ any means necessary to get votes - send out tweets, campaign on message boards, direct all your friends to this site, etc. (I'm such a whore) I don't care how you hustle your votes just as long as you hustle.

Voting will remain open until Tuesday, September 15th at 7:00 PM EST

If you were not chosen as a finalist (or just love all things Mr. O'Shaugnessy) and would like an AUTHENTIC Mr. O'Shaugnessy Mug of your own, please click on the Bitchy Big Brother Store link on the upper right hand side of the blog and order yourself a mug!

Pick your favorite story!

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#1 THE REUNION PARTY by dragonmw40

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of MICHELE'S TEARS and trays of JARDINAIRE STUFFED SAUSAGES ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a VIBRATOR WITH JEFF'S HEAD DRAWN ON THE TIP with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of A 'NO ENTRY' SIGN WITH LOL BENEATH IT. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said "THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE MASSENGILL SPOKESPERSON". They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil MYOPIC EYES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s CURLY LITTLE TAIL and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy SCRATCHING Jeff’s RECTUM. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, "THE GUCCIE FOOD" and Jeff replied "ALL THE MASSAGES I GOT GOT".

Michele was decked out in a VINTAGE NORMA DESMOND dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a ICE CUBE up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt BI-POLAR.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing BANANARAMA and comparing their PICK UP LINES.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her BOTOXED NIPPLES and he shook his GNARLY NUTSACK. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his JULIE CHEN AUTOGRAPHED POCKET PROTECTOR kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best LIFE JACKET. It was PINK/YELLOW PLAID and smattered with TINY LITTLE BANNERS THAT READ, "CUM FLOAT WITH ME". His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the ENEMA KITS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the HYPOCRITICAL voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting YOU'RE ALL RACIST TERRORIST, MISOGYNIST, SELF-ABSORBED, SPOILED SHALLOW MOTHA-FUCKERS. DEUCES!!! (GLENDA THE GOOD WITCH LAUGH MIXED WITH CRIES OF LONELINESS), you motherfuckers!

The End

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#2 THE REUNION PARTY by JoCaPa

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of MALT LIQUOR and trays of SLOP SHAPED LIKE ANIMALS AND CRACKERS ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a BABY (POSSIBLY JULIE'S) with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of JESSIE POSING NAKED. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said I'M WITH HER (WITH A FINGER POINTING TO HIS LEFT). They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil SPATS OF FIRE in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s WIND UP DIAL STICKING OUT OF HER BACK and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy LICKING Jeff’s PENIS DIPPED IN COOKIE DOUGH AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, "THEY HAD THE BEST NECTARINES. OR WERE THEY PEACHES?" and Jeff replied "I REALLY THOUGHT I HAD THEM AT TECHNOTRONICS".

Michele was decked out in a dress THAT HAD A PICTURE OF MICHELE GIVING LALA THE DEATH STARE AND THE FINGER WITH A BUBBLE SAYING "F U LALA". ON THE BACK A PICTURE OF MR. O'SHAUGNESSY BEING TORTURED BY MICHELE AND HER RATS and kept whispering for her husband to shove PICTURES OF HOUSEGUESTS IN THE SHOWER up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt GIDDY.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing VANILLA ICE and comparing their MANHOOD.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her TEETH and he shook his SUNKISSED TRESSES. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his OVER CONFIDENCE kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best HOODY. It was BARNEY PURPLE and smattered with JULIO IGLESIAS' AUTOGRAPH. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the SEX TOYS AND PARAPHERNALIA he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the CACKLING voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting I CHOSE TO LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. I WAS NOT EXPELLED!, you motherfuckers!

The End

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#3 THE REUNION PARTY by kdb112

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of CHIMA REPELLENT and trays of CHAOSEROLLE ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a LIFE SIZE CARDBOARD CUT OUT OF JEFF with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of CAPTAIN UNITARD. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said "I HAVE A HUGE HEAD... SORRY LADIES NOT THAT ONE." They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil SANDWICHES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s FOAMING MOUTH and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy TEASING Jeff’s COCK. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, "THEM PEACH-FLAVORED NECTARINES Y'ALL!" and Jeff replied "DEFINITELY NOT WHEN I GOT GOT BRO" FOLLOWED BY HIS NEANDERTHAL LAUGH.

Michele was decked out in a WATERPROOF PLEATHER DOMINATRIX dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a CHIA OBAMA up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt CONFUSED AS USUAL.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing CASEY'S REMIX OF ELTON JOHN'S ROCKET MAN CALLED BANANA MAN and comparing their STORIES OF ALL THE TIMES THEY GOT BEAT UP AS KIDS.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her LOW IQ and he shook his DANDRUFF. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his WHITENESS kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best ITALIAN SILK SCARF. It was MAGENTA and smattered with SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the MOLE REMOVAL SURGERIES FOR ENRIQUE IGLESIAS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the MIGRAINE INDUCING voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting ALLISON GRODNER IS A MISOGYNIST, you motherfuckers!

The End

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#4 THE REUNION PARTY by KevinFTW

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of GATORADE, MERLOT, AND MUSCLE MILK and trays of COOKIE DOUGH AND OVEN DRIED SQUID JERKY (JESSIE'S OWN RECIPE) ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a 'MICHAEL' REAL DOLL DRESSED IN NOTHING BUT BOXER BRIEFS (THERE IS SOMETHING FAMILIAR ABOUT HIM...) with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of HER CAPTAIN UNITARD GOGGLES. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said WWJD (WHAT WOULD JESSIE DO). They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil TWIST TIES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s DREADLOCKS and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy GIVING RASPBERRIES TO Jeff’s ARMPIT. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, DO MY BOOBS LOOK FUNNY? THEY FEEL KINDA WEIRD and Jeff replied JORDAN SHUT UP.

Michele was decked out in a POLY/ACRYLIC/SPANDEX BLEND dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a BOTTLE OF WINE up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt FACE CHEWING ECSTASY.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing THE NEW COLLABORATION BETWEEN LIL WAYNE AND CLAY AIKEN and comparing their BANANAS.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her GLISTENING MANE and he shook his HEAD SHOTS. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his LIGHT SABER kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best ZIPPERED HOODY. It was ALL THE COLORS OF THE NEON RAINBOW and smattered with FABULICIOUSNESS. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the GAY LEPRECHAUNS he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the BOWEL LIQUEFYING voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting EVERYONE IN THERE IS A RACIST MISOGYNIST BESIDES ME, you motherfuckers!

The End

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#5 THE REUNION PARTY by misty

It was Friday night at the new hot club in downtown L.A. It was the night of the Big Brother 11 cast reunion party! There were bottles of HATERADE and trays of TUNA ready to be enjoyed by all. The host for the evening was none other than Allison Grodner herself. She carried around a A GLOSSY 8X10 OF JEFF with her all night and looked very dignified.

Lydia and Jessie arrived hand in hand and Lydia delighted in showing everyone her new tattoo of JESSIE'S JOHNSON. Jessie wore pink muscle pants and a t-shirt that said I KNOW... I THOUGHT I WAS GAY, TOO. They kept their distance from Natalie because she was with her boyfriend who spent the evening shooting evil SPERM SAMPLES in Jessie’s direction. He also had a hand on the Ragamuffin’s RATTY HEAD and she found it very difficult to move freely.

Jeff and Jordan, the couple everyone hotly anticipated, arrived late because Jordan was busy PICKING Jeff’s NOSE. They smiled sweetly for the cameras and when asked what their favorite part of being in Big Brother was, Jordan said, I LOST (BUT THE FOOD WAS GREAT Y'ALL) and Jeff replied IT HURTS (FUCK YEAH JORDOUGH).

Michele was decked out in a STRAIGHT JACKET dress and kept whispering for her husband to shove a AG'S GLOSSY 8X10 OF JEFF up her ass. He was a little taken aback at her public request but obliged her and Michele felt COOCOO FOR COCOA PUFFS.

Russell and Casey, new besties, spent all of their time in the DJ booth playing VANILLA ICE and comparing their NUMBER OF FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

On the dance floor was where Laura and Braden shined. She swayed her WEIRD LOOKING FAKE BOOBS and he shook THE HAMSTERS HE BROUGHT ALONG IN HIS POCKET. Ronnie tried to dance and join in the fun but his RAT TAIL kept getting in the way.

The winner, Kevin, made a grand entrance decked out in his best SCARF. It was RAINBOW and smattered with THE KEYS OF HIS FALLEN VICTIMS. His boyfriend gazed upon him adoringly and thought about all the JAPANESE HOODIES he could now buy with the prize money.

The merriment lasted for hours and everyone had a blast. The night was a success! Off in the distance, if you listened closely, you could hear the HYENA-LIKE voice of an expelled Houseguest shouting I QUIT (AND THEN SHE LAUGHED AT HER OWN JOKE), you motherfuckers!

The End

10 comments:

  1. Dude, I'm so lazy, most days I don't even change my underwear. So, I don't see me whoring myself out for votes. Oh well, it's just an honor to be nominated, right? Right, ahem.

    Also, I have no friends or family. And I'm pretty sure the voices in my head cannot vote. So, I think I'm screwed. Kind of like Kevin, but not. Unless this comment makes the chat hags feel sorry for me and they vote in droves. No?

    I lost. It hurts.

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  2. I'm so honored and excited! I never thought in a million years I'd be picked as a finalist! Thank you Lala and PrettyPlainJo for all the hard work!

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  3. I already feel like a winner! Thanks for entertaining me all season.

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  4. Guys - The entries had me doubled over in laughter. THanks for the entertainment, and thanks Lala for letting me be help out. :)

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  5. I vote for #1 (dragon...)

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  6. Dragon gmv... for the Bananarama reference alone ;)

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  7. Great job guys! Pisses me off though that MY comment (light saber) was totally ganked. Just for the record, I said it first and I purposely read all the others so I wouldn't repeat anyone else's as my own. Damn it! I could have won this contest! No one can beat me! If I hadn't been on my period/shoulder was hurt/threw it...I would have won! Hands down. You all know my word is good so Know That!

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  8. to LJ - for the record, I said light saber first when i was first shown the rough draft of the story. and that Casey and Russell were comparing their bananas. KevinFTW had both those answers in 1 plus other good answers. I was impressed. There would be no point in looking at someone else's answers anyway and i really have to say after reviewing the entries, i don't think anyone ganked answers. Trust me when i say the analysis portion of the responses was LONG and GREULING and very fair. - "prettyplainjo"

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  9. I'm not even bitter that I wasn't in the final 5, especially after reading the competition that made it. Brilliant, one and all.

    Thanks LaLa for this masterpiece of a blog. It has brought me many smiles and out loud laughs each and every day.

    I'll be following you at the Survivor blog.

    Now, I'm going to vote. Good luck to all!

    Peace.

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