Friday, September 11, 2009

I Have Your Life In My Hands

You know how sometimes you're just so conflicted that you have no choice but to sit quietly and not make a single decision? That's where I'm at right now. I'm deep in the bowels of confusion. Do I smoke my opium or drink my bathtub gin? Do I wear the Manolos or settle in with a cozy cashmere pashmina? Do I tickle my leprechaun or beat him violently? Today Show or Good Morning America? Mac or PC? Blake or Leighton? Fringe or rhinestones? Treadmill or full body Swedish massage? Anna Karenina or porn? Vitamins or Percodan? Chasing the dream or chasing the dragon? Kevin or Jordan? Jordan or Natalie? What's a girl to do!

Maybe if I backtrack and reevaluate how I got myself into this predicament I can uncover some answers. Let's begin with the CBS show last night. Loved it! Fucking loved it. I was a little nervous about the past HG's being on that panel, but when they echoed exactly what I've been saying all season long I knew it was a good idea to have them on. Whenever anyone anywhere agrees with me, the world is at peace and fairies get their wings. Boogie, Janelle, Danielle, and Dick all want Kevin to win and they think the Ragamuffin has played a strong game. Janelle was totally lying by the way. Oh and why did she look like a stewardess last night? She's gorgeous, but I hated what she was wearing. I follow her on Twitter and she most definitely wants Jordan to win not Kevin. I think she only said Kevin last night because saying she wants to Jordan to win (for essentially zero game play) would have made her look like an ass.

How wretched did Dick look last night? He's always been a little rough around the edges, but he looked horrible last night. Deep dark circles, craggly crevices, unusually laid back demeanor... he had me confused as a matter of fact. Last night in the chats, I joked that he'd tapped the vein and was riding his own melt, but now I have a new theory. In the past Dick was always all over Janelle. I mean, he couldn't keep his hands off her during those Real Player interviews he did. It was during those interviews where I learned to like Janelle actually. I had never really cared for her in the past, but when I saw how she handled Dick with class and grace I learned to respect her. Anyhow, here's what I'm thinking: Dick was totally pawing on Janelle prior to the live show and, as a result, Janelle verbally and publicly rebuked him humiliating him in front of CBS VIP's. By the time their segment came around, Dick was defeated, rejected, and over it all. Similarly, Janelle was annoyed and uncomfortable. And that's why they were so weird last night. I totally pulled that out of my ass by the way, but it sounds good and it's filled with drama so I'm totally running with it and declaring it a fact.

Another thing I was totally right about was the Jury House. I knew it would be all love and light. I loved how the jurors cheered when Jeff came walking in and then immediately gave him a hug. It was the best of both worlds. And how genius is it that they all hate Natalie? That was a total game changer for me last night. I was truly a little bit shocked by Jessie's disdain for the Ragamuffin. Whatever Lydia has been doing (and you know she's been badmouthing Natalie the whole time) she deserves a fruit basket or something. Maybe I'll send her an Edible Bouquet when she gets out of the house. By the way, those Edible Bouquets are AWESOME. I think I've received 3 so far this year alone. I've also sent a couple to friends. If anyone ever wants to get on my good side, send me an Edible Bouquet with the pineapple pieces half dipped in chocolate and I'm yours. The way to my heart is through fruit... and illegal drugs smuggled from Thailand in the anus of a drunken Irish little person.

OK now let's get to what I'm sure all of you are waiting for: Part 2 of the HOH. Clutch your pearls in shock because I'm going to say it... Jordan kicked ass last night! I've got to hand it to Pork Rind Polly. She was focused, quick, and didn't crumble under the pressure. I have no choice but to completely respect that and give her praise. Ragamuffin, on the other hand, choked choked choked! She couldn't even remember the order of the HOH's let alone get the damn ball in the hole. As soon as Jordan killed it last night I knew what we were all in for... a bitchy, moany, whiney, complaining, excuse-ridden Ragamuffin. If you thought the normal Ragamuffin was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. A scorned Ragamuffin is much worse and far more annoying.

Thankfully, the feeds came back almost immediately after the show ended. While I feared the Ragamuffin's wrath, I also couldn't wait to delight in her misery. Immediately, she started saying that she could have won in 2 seconds and that somehow BB was at fault. When her balls went into the wrong holes she didn't adjust and account for her mistakes (or so she says) and that's what screwed her up. Yeah ok sure. She didn't know the order, she sucked at putting the balls in, and she panicked... that's why she lost and she has no one to blame but herself. Kevin tried to be the peacemaker and asked the girls what the competition was like. Ragamuffin refuses to answer him, but Jordan obliged and told him everything. Kevin asked if the balls were basketballs. Jordan said, "No, volleyballs. Same thing." LOL Since when are vollyballs and basketballs the same thing?

Kevin walks out of the room in search of water and an old fashioned hand fan I'm sure. Jordan tries to make Natalie feel better by telling her that she had one ball wrong too. Ragamuffin snarls and scratches her hind legs. She keeps pouting and Jordan tells her that she's sure her crack showed on live tv during the comp. Kevin eventually wanders back into the room and Ragamuffin let's out a huge sigh. She says, "Now I'm in the position Michele was in... loser." Kevin scoffs and kind of ignores her and Ragamuffin keeps maniacally shuffling her deck of cards. You can tell Kevin is so over it at this point. I'm sure his inner monologue was, "If this bitch keeps this shit up for the next 5 days, I'm gonna cut her."

Jordan gets called to the DR and as soon as she's out of the room, Ragamuffin says, "Jordan killed me. It wasn't even close. It wasn't even close in any way." She immediately starts in on Kevin. She says, "I hope if you win you stick with the plan and take me." Kevin says, "Well this isn't going according to plan." Ragamuffin begins to bitch about how she regrets throwing Part 1, how she totally could have won, how it was her competition to win, blah blah blah. For the record, Kevin would have kicked her ass in that competition regardless. Ragamuffin says what will become her favorite phrase of the night, "My whole life depends on you right now. I don't think Jordan would take me." She then says to Kevin, "I know you have a Final 2 with Jordan." Kevin, not missing a beat, replies, "I know you have one too." Kevin says they should just enjoy the fact that they've both made it to the very end in the house and make the most over the next few days. He says the other option is to be miserable and have diarrhea. Ragmuffin says, "I know, but it all depends on whether or not I can trust you." So basically she just said that if Kevin takes her she'll be happy, but if he doesn't she'll be miserable and will make him miserable too.

Ragamuffin, fighting the urge to scratch her fleas, keeps saying, "If I would have won... If I would have won..." And here is where we discover her real concern. She's nervous now that if she does make it to the Final 2, she's only won one competition and that was due to a tiebreaker. She's incredibly worried that she doesn't even have a case to present to the jury for being deserving of the prize. She says, "What the hell am I going to say to them? I don't even have a case to plead now." She says how she has her speech to whomever wins HOH all planned and Kevin tells her Julie will probably just ask for a quick statement and not even give her time to give a speech. Ha! Even Kevin is getting tired of her rehearsing her speeches all the time. Ragamuffin says, "Well Kevin, my life is in your hands now."

The misery is far from over. Ragamuffin says she has no back up plan now. Kevin tells her her back up plan is Jordan. He says, "You've been working her constantly." Ragamuffin vehemently denies it and Kevin says Ragamuffin has bonded with Jordan and that's what matters most to Jordan. Ragamuffin says, "Well she helped me put a tampon in, but that's not bonding." Kevin says he never talks to Jordan so he hasn't bonded with her at all.

Ragamuffin begins to go over the votes in the Jury House and she doesn't think she can beat Jordan anymore. She says Jordan will definitely have 3 votes: Jeff, Michele, Lydia. She says it'll all come down to America. If that happens I think we know Jordan will win hands down. My biggest fear is that Jordan wins HOH and takes Natalie with her to the Final 2. This is my nightmare. I honestly don't know how the jurors will vote because, depsite the fact that they've said they don't like Natalie, I don't think they even considered the possibility of Jordan going to Final 2. In my heart of hearts, I just don't see Jessie or Russ voting for Jordan to win. Ragamuffin indeed might be right about a tie which means Jordan would win and I just can't live with that.

Ragamuffin continues to fret and she's just about shredded her stupid twist tie ring. She tells Kevin if Jordan evicts her, Kevin will get her vote. If Kevin evicts her, Jordan will get her vote. It's a threat basically. Kevin says he doesn't want to talk strategy anymore because he knows America has begun voting. Personally, I think he just wanted to get away from the Ragamuffin and get her to shut up.

Jordan comes out of the DR and Kevin gets called in. What do you think happens? Yup. Ragamuffin. almost instantaneously, throws Kevin under the bus. She tells Jordan that Kevin said Jordan would be stupid if she didn't take Natalie to the end. Very sneaky you stupid cunt. Ragamuffin then explains to Jordan what Part 3 will be. She describes a "Who said what?" game and tells Jordan it's completely up in the air as to who will win it. Then Ragamuffin utters the phrase that pays, "I hope you win Jordan... My life is your hands. My life is truly in your hands." Oh stuff a sock in it Natalie. Ragamuffin tells Jordan that now Kevin has 5 days to convince Jordan to take him to the end. Jordan swears that she won't let Kevin change her mind and I suddenly remembered something that makes my ass twitch. When Jeff left he told Jordan to stick with Michele and trust her. He also said if Michele leaves, to stick with Natalie and trust her. His idiocy still lingers. Is Jordan going to follow his advice or make her own decisions? You and I know it serves Jordan to take Natalie to the end, but shhhhh I don't want her knowing that. I want Kevin to win this game dammit and I can't have Jordan fucking it all up.

Ragamuffin then warns Jordan that the DR will try to convince her to take Kevin to the end. Then we get fish. She's right you know and I'd be a hypocrite if I said, "who cares?" I didn't like BB meddling before so I don't think they should meddle now. *takes a hit of opium* The feeds come back and Ragamuffin is telling Jordan how Kevin never told either of them who he was keeping this week. She says, "That's what he does. He plays everyone." Jordan, made entirely of cotton candy at this point, says she thought they were going to get to go on a trip because they all packed their bags. She was excited to go somewhere. Yeah... ummm this bitch cannot win. I fear for Mr. O'Shaugnessy's life if Jordan wins Big Brother. She's SO stupid and I just... I can't... I cannot sit here and say it's ok for the trailer park idiot to win the whole kit and kaboodle. Stupidity of that caliber should never be rewarded.

Jordan asks Natalie if Kevin said she was taking her to the end. Natalie says no. Whew! She could have lied there and made Kevin out to be the bad guy, but I don't think it crossed her mind in time. Ragamuffin advises Jordan not to say anything to Kevin and to just ride it out. Jordan tells her that Kevin keeps asking her questions and it makes her think that Natalie and Kevin are talking about what Jordan says. Ragamuffin shrugs it off and says that Kevin does the same thing to her too. Jordan then tells Ragamuffin everything Kevin ever said about taking her to the Final 2. *removes hot poker from the fire place and jabs it right between the eyes*

Here's where my panic sets in. Pasta Primavera Patty is telling Ragamuffin that she has no intention of taking Kevin to the Final 2. I began to weep and I sent Mr. O'Shaugnessy out back to fetch me some thorns and start building my cross. Yes, my dear readers, I'm ready to sacrifice myself at the injustice of Jordan winning this game.

Kevin comes out of the DR and Natalie gets called in. Jordan tells Kevin she doesn't entirely trust him *crying while stirring my bathtub gin with a large wooden oar* She says she's scared that Natalie has so many friends in the jury house. *catches a tear before it falls and looks up like a dog hearing the word "treat"* Jordan then begins to compare everything she's won to everything Kevin has won. They're very close so voting on that point will be 50/50. She compares how many guaranteed votes each one of them has. Jordan has Jeff and Kevin has Lydia. Again, they're equal. Neither of them think they have Jessie's or Russell's vote so that makes them 50/50 too. Jordan concludes saying that'll it'll all be 50/50 and most likely come down to America's vote (she's wrong, but shhh she doesn't know that). Kevin tells her that Natalie would probably get America's vote because she's young and she got engaged and America loves that shit (wrong). Jordan confides that Natalie makes her nervous.

Kevin tells Jordan that he's had his mind made up ever since Pandora's Box. In his mind, Pandora's Box changed everything. When Ragamuffin made up that lie about the reverse Final 2 Kevin knew he couldn't trust her and the fact that she chose to see her boyfriend instead of play in the veto showed him that she really didn't care if he went home. He tells Jordan that it was then that he decided he wanted to take Jordan to the end with him. Kevin tells Jordan that he's not going to torture Ragamuffin this week. He'll simply leave her alone. He reassures her that he's been thinking about taking her to Final 2 for a while now. Jordan tells Kevin that ever since Jeff left she's been thinking about teaming up with him too. *calls to Mr. O'Shaugnessy to drop the thorns and bring me a mimosa* Kevin tells Jordan that he knows Ragamuffin is lying to him by saying she would have taken him to the end. He's not stupid and he knows she's just freaking out right now.

Here's my dilemma: Can Kevin really win against Jordan? Jordan could easily get votes from Jeff, Michele, and the the spiteful Natalie. Jordan will 100% win America's vote. Before I start to injure myself or my leprechaun anymore, let me review what I'd like to see happen. If Jordan wins HOH, I want her to take Kevin. That way Kevin will still get Natalie's vote. That's his best bet at this point. If Kevin wins HOH, I kind of want him to take Natalie only because it's a definite win for him. If Jordan wins and takes Natalie, I'll kill myself and my leprechaun. Having said all that, I still don't know who to root for for Part 3. I hate it when I can't put my voodoo curses on someone to lose. I kind of want Jordan win so Kevin will still get Natalie's vote and I kind of want Kevin to win just so I know he's 100% going to the Final 2. I hate being so conflicted!

I need to tear myself away from my personal turmoil and focus on, what will no doubt become added inner turmoil, the Bitchy franchise. If you're not already, you guys need to be checking the Bitchy Survivor Blog daily. More is going up there everyday and I've updated all the past posts with videos. In addition, the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog will be growing exponentially over the weekend. The cast was announced and I'll be posting my bitchy first impressions and videos over the next few days. A Meet The Cast intro/video was already posted yesterday. Note to the baby makers: You all need to be following Amazing Race too. I must insist on this. :)

For instantaneous updates, follow me on Twitter! As soon as I post, I tweet. @ColetteLala

Don't forget to keep voting for your favorite Big Bitchy Contest Finalist. The stories can be found here and the voting is in the poll at the top of the page. I'm pretty impressed with the voting so far. One admission has already gotten Ronnie's support (I totally think it was the light saber remark that did it) and another is avidly promoting on message boards. That's what I like to see! Everyone whoring themselves and lots of shameless plugs for my blog. Margaritas for everyone!

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  1. Although Pasta Premavira Patty is a close second, I don't think any other food name will top Hot Fudge Burtha. That one's definitly a keeper.

    Sadly, I must say, at this point I am actually rooting for Jordan to win. That HoH comp against Natalie impressed me to no end, since I thought Jordan was an idiot who's biggest skill was the fact she could count to Potatoe.

    I can live with a Kevin victory, but Jordan's my primary. Natalie. Ugh.

  2. BB what are you doing to me? I tuned last night to see Nat get the boot out of the door so I didn't have to hear her DR's anymore. What drives me nuts, when the show was over right after they told her she lost. Immediately she blamed everyone else. Most atheletes that I know, always blame themselves for losing. Maybe she learned from Jessie when in doubt blame others. Heck he still blames Dan from last season, and for some reason he thinks America voted for Jeff because he was losing. They are perfect for each other.

  3. Sucky suck suck-fest...I'm conflicted also...But I am torn between wanting Jordan to win or Kevin...See, I think Jordan did play a good game. She rode Jeff's coattails, was put on the block more then any other houseguest but made it this far...And she has actually won a few things besides the flubbed HOH...But then again, she was still right there; the deal couldn't have been made unless she was in the final two...Which she was.
    Sure, call her fat...But that's a bit scary if you think her twig ass is fat...A lot of people dont want to blow away in the wind...

    And, if you follow closely, Kevin has done the same thing. Example: Not using the veto for Lydia...He didnt want to upset the house...Which was very smart on his part...Actually, both of them are. And if a tie comes between them for who is the best via the america vote...Well, you clearly get points for NOT being a Ho on TV.

  4. When Jordan said "No, volleyballs. Same thing", I took it as meaning the same kind of ball as what they practiced with. I don't think she confused the two kinds of balls. But whatever...

    I am glad to see Jordan and Kevin fight over the final HOH. They were both coat tail riders, both won when they needed too, and both played relatively clean games. I will be happy either way. Natalie has no self awareness and is too judgmental for my tastes. She deserves to lose both the game and some of her outsized sense of self importance.

    Looking forward to Survivor and Amazing Race, and your take on both. Thanks for the laughs.

  5. Jordough winning BB would be a joke. How anyone could vote for her, including Jeff, boggles the mind. To suggest that she played the game as well as Kevin is ridiculous. Kevin is responsible for evicting Jeff, doubt that Jordough will forgive him. I think that she would take Gnat to the final 2.

  6. "She deserves to lose both the game and some of her outsized sense of self importance."

    These are magical words. From your fingers to God's ears. Once I saw Natalie screw herself, I immediately realized that we had a contest. I expected 6 or 7 out of Jordan, but certainly not 9. I found myself cheering for Jordan. That hasn't happened all season.
    I'm not conflicted. I want one of two things to happen. Either Jordan to evict Natalie, or for Kevin to take her. I don't see Natalie winning this. She's playing for 2nd or 3rd. I don't want to see a Jordan/Kevin F2, but if it's Jordan's decision, I'm ok with that.

  7. Remember Danielle said every time a guy and a chick go to final two the guy has won. That said, I'm pulling for Jordan. The people who asserted themselves early are gone, the swingin' dicks are gone, and when it is your time to step up you have to go get it and Jordan did it. Really clutch. I would rather reward that than lies and treachery. Kevin is just the lesser of two evils, he's just less pathetic than Stink on a String.

  8. Danielle also had a particularly annoying inclination towards DR referring to BB players she didn't like as "The Devil" too, which probably cost her sexy-lookin' ass from winning the game! so I wouldn't put too much credibility on her winner theory opinion.
    If Lil' Stinky Ragamuffin pulls this win off, then she deserves it, in fact WHOEVER pulls the win off deserves it. That's just the game!
    I hope Casey gets that People's Choice $25 Grand, too!

  9. Ms. Lala,
    While we may be rooting for different people, you are the funniest thing I have read in a very long time! I have made you a staple these last few days and will continue to do so.

    Give the leprechaun a slap and tickle, as well as a mimosa for yourself, from me. You have a true fan. Love the blog.

  10. I think Lala should be a house guest on BB12. That would be awesome!

  11. I'd watch if Lala were a HG on BB12. Get'chur ass to a casting call, bitch. :)

    You certianly know enough about the game. Just don't pull a Laura.. Or Brian... And if you were like Lydia I'd slit my wrist.

  12. um.. if Lala was on BB12 WE'D have no blog to read. Don't do it Lala!