Someone Shut That 'Coon Up!

(The title of this blog refers to an animal and is in no way a racial slur.)

She begins her day hiking down to the stream 2 miles away for some fresh water. Lugging giant buckets on her shoulders, Kathy Faye eagerly anticipates her morning cup of Sanka and the long tasty Marlboro 100 she hides in the floorboards for maximum freshness. It's not easy living on the side of a mountain, but she makes it work. "The cancer" may have taken all her cash and healthy vibrant cells, but it will not take away her determination. That squirrel and tree bark she had last night for supper suited her just fine. It keeps her regular and reminds her how warrior women must have lived way back when - roasting meals over an open flame, nothing but the hum of the insects to keep 'em company. Those gals didn't have "the cancer" to contend with. They were healthy husky ladies who didn't need the ease and comfort of a Tudor mansion with central A/C on a hot summer day. If they could it, so could she. She would do it, dammit. Life has thrown her curve ball after curve ball yet she just keeps hitting back harder than the time before. When the letter came telling her she was gonna be on Big Brother 12, she made herself fight back the tears of relief. That $750 a week sure would come in handy. The screen door on the trailer barely survived that bear attack last Fall and the mosquitoes are eatin' her up something awful. She looked up to the heavens and asked Jesus what to do. He speaks to her sometimes you know.... but not this time. The sky answered back with silence and Kathy Faye knew this was one decision she'd have to make on her own. When "the cancer" came a'calling, her buddy Jesus helped her out of a jam on plenty of occasions. His silence now can only mean one thing. He's not thrilled with the prospect of one of his children going on the Big Brother show. That Jameka made him look like an asshole and he's not about to go through that again. Kathy Faye was desperate though. She's got a hard Winter to prepare for and her clothes at this point are nothing but rags. She promised Jesus then and there that she'll do the show, but she won't do bad things to get the prize. If she can make it to the jury, she can buy herself a blanket and a case of Marlboros and that'll be the end of it. She'll make it to Spring with no worries and after that... well, she'll cross those hurdles when they get here. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a hacking cough and a new outlook. Jesus finally answered Kathy Faye's prayers and his answer came in the form of a plan. While Kathy slept and tossed fitfully in her sleep, Jesus whispered that she should expose the red-headed harlot for the two-faced ho bag she is. Now, I'm not exactly sure if Jesus really used the phrase "ho bag", but just go with it. You have to suspend disbelief sometimes in order for my blogs to make any sense at all. Kathy Faye awoke with a renewed feeling of freshness and vibrancy. She took a deep breath (well, as deep as her weathered lungs would allow), threw back her covers, and said to herself, "I can do this. I will do this." With no time to waste, Kathy Faye marched right up to Kristen. Luckily, Kristen was in her human form today. The night before is another story altogether. She got caught in between her frog and human form and all hell almost broke loose. She looked human on the outside, but inside she was all amphibian. She was eating insects and hopping up on the kitchen counter. It was a close call where she narrowly escaped detection.

Kathy approaches Kristen under the guise of being sad and beaten down. They talk about how unfair it is for Kathy to go home when she really hasn't done anything at all to warrant such a drastic step. Kristen nods and sighs offering Kathy a friendly smile. Kathy saw that as her opening so she took it, "You know that Rachel is telling everyone you and Hayden are a showmance and she wants to break you guys up, right?" There. She did it. Whew! Kristen's normally chipper and upbeat face fell into a crestfallen misshapen mass of confusion. Rachel was supposed to be her friend. She defended Rachel. Hayden and Kristen aren't a showmance. Sure, they steal kisses in the night sometimes, but they're not grabbing ass and sticking appendages in various holes under the blankets or anything. Where the hell does that Rachel get off?!

Meantime outside, Bitch Boy is having a raucous session with his abs when he comes to the conclusion that he's just gonna go right up to Kathy and tell her he's voting her out. He doesn't like having the stress of making game decisions looming in the corners of his mind when he's trying to get ripped. He'll just break Kathy's heart and then work on his glutes. That's his plan for the day. Rachel approves of Bitch Boy's plan and decides out loud that next week she needs to get rid of Kristen. Kristen's super cute in a bikini and the fact that she's tight with Hayden means that Brenchel could be losing valuable air time. Best to split them up now and worry about the consequences later. Rachel spent minutes planning her BB12 debut and she's not about to let another pretty girl fuck it all up for her. You see, every night when the clock strikes 9 (BB time), Rachel and Bitch Boy very strategically begin their canoodling sessions. To filmmakers about 5 pm is known as the "magic hour", but to Brenchel it's 9 pm... the time Showtime starts sending their images out to their millions of subscribers. Jeff and Jordan monopolized about 80% of BBAD last year and Rachel's made her mission to get Brenchel up to the 90% mark. She's doing a hell of a job, let me tell ya - which might explain my new "early to bed, early to rise" schedule.

Back inside, Kathy and Kristen are getting ready for the day and Kathy is reminding her that Rachel basically hates her and wants her dead. Kristen doesn't understand where the hate could be coming from. She and Hayden decided early on they'd never be a showmance. They thought it would be bad for game play. Kathy tells Kristen that if she leaves the house, it's up to Kristen to go after Brenchel on her own. If Kathy stays, she vows to put BOTH Brenchel up on the block like that pussy Matt was supposed to do this week. Kathy doesn't mind getting blood on her hands. Shoot, she gets blood on her hands every time she covers a cough. No biggie. Kristen sighs in response and says she hates that she has to be fake now whenever she's around Rachel. Knowing that Rachel is after her makes her wants to convert into a cheetah and claw her eyes out. Staying in her human form is going to be a challenge this week.

Outside Britney is talking with Badda-bing about how strong a competitor Andrew is. So far, he's been in the top 3 in all the competitions. She asks the boys, "Who would you rather go up against in the Final HOH, Andrew or Kathy?" She smacks her head indicating it's a no brainer and that there's no way in hell Kathy's gonna win HOH anytime soon. They all comment on how Kathy just wants to get to the Jury House anyways. She doesn't even care if she wins. She just wants that stipend. Enzo says, "This guy Andrew is friends with everyone. I didn't know this stuff. I'm gonna need to think about this a little more." Enzo's main concern is that he thinks keeping Kathy is a vote for Brenchel. Little does he know, Dragon Lady is busy throwing Rachel under the bus in the other room. Kristen needs to tell Hayden what Rachel is up to and Hayden needs to tell Badda-bing and it's all gotta happen in 4 days. I'm confident Andrew could go home and that weasel Matt will get what's coming to him... disappointment.

Speaking of Mr. Hands Down His Pants... was I right or was I right about him not wanting to backdoor Brendon? I was SO fucking right! It's a gift I was born with, I swear. The world discovered last night via Matt's uber obnoxious DR's that he had NO intention of getting Brenchel out of the game. His target all along was Kathy. The idiocy of his HOH coupled with the fact that he keeps calling himself a "diabolical genius" really makes me hate this kid. He thinks he's playing a game so advanced that no one will ever catch onto him when, in actuality, it's only a matter of time before Badda-bing figures out what he's up to and sends his shrimpy ass home.

Britney, whose game I have yet to figure out, is still outside talking to Badda-bing about Kathy only now she's completely switched gears and is telling the fellas how Kathy approached her saying that since she voted to keep Monet last week, Britney now has to vote to keep her. Lane and Enzo laugh and begin to make jokes like, "Hey Kathy, if you take my whites outta the dryer, I'll vote to keep you in the game." and "Hey Kathy, if you put my dishes away I'll give you a vote." Meanwhile Matt rubs his eyes with his tiny fists (he was sleeping you see) and declares that Kathy is stupid and her logic makes no sense.

Kathy continues to work on Kristen for most of the day while Rachel and Matt come to the conclusion that this house is gonna be fucking boring this week. Tell me something I don't know assholes. Rachel jokes that they should call another house meeting to liven things up. Matt says all the boring footage must be tough to edit.

In the other room Kathy is fretting over losing Hayden as a friend. She loves him like a son and this is where she begins to cry. She wants us to think she's crying over Hayden, but I think she's crying over the prospect of going back to her sweltering tiny cabin where her pet raccoon keeps her up all night scratching on the walls. She has no running water or electricity and it's tearing her up inside knowing that all that waits for her is an ornery raccoon and a couple tins of Spam. She cries for her future. She cries for her past. This life has been hard for Kathy. Watching these young girls in the house with their whole healthy lives ahead of them depresses her. Her 20's and 30's were spent fighting off sexual advances at the police academy and then fighting off "the cancer" with her own concoction of ammonia and bleach. She thought the summer of 2010 would be a nice break from the hell that's become her life. Little did she know it's just be more bullshit to wade through.

I've hated on the Dragon Lady in the past and she's still not my favorite player, but, between her and Andrew, I say we get rid of Andrew. Andrew's annoying and boring and I miss way too many conversations in the house because of his eating habits. If ever Andrew is in a room and is eating, my ass won't be anywhere near it. It's truly disgusting and, like Rachel, makes me want to do vile things.

I think I'm gonna have to wrap this up here. I watched the Feeds ALL DAY yesterday and this blog was pretty much all that happened. One thing Rachel is right about: this week will be boring. Prepare yourselves. The only excitement I can anticipate is maybe Badda-bing officially switching their votes to Kathy. I don't foresee any fights, shouting, or arguments. Websites/blogs promising you drama in an effort to get you to buy Feeds from them are basically just lying to you. No one can predict when or if drama will happen and you're a sucker if you fall for it.

So, what did you bitches think of last night's episode? Did it change your mind about Matt? Who do you want to go home this week? Have you voted yet in my poll? Will Badda-bing figure out what Matt is up to in time to save themselves from certain disaster? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Evil Comes In Many Forms

It's not a well known fact, but the Devil is actually a family man. If you think about it, it really shouldn't be all that shocking. He likes decadence which means he's probably a fan of late nights out at the club, lots of promiscuity, drugs, drinking, and general hedonism which naturally lends way for lots and lots of kids. The problem is keeping up with all of his relatives. Fortunately, I'm always on the hunt and can spot a member of the "Satan Clan" pretty easily. I singlehandedly uncovered Lucifer (Russell Hantz) last Fall and, now, I'm quite sure I've uncovered another member. This one is unlikely and very very evil. He masks himself with a mission for "good", but I know his real mission is to make my life a living hell. He's thin, wiley, quick, a hell of a hunter, has a nose for mischief and if you know Ancient Enochian like I do, then you know that the word "Ragan" actually translates to "major pain in the ass". Double entendre should obviously be noted. I may not be in the house myself, but "major pain in the ass" is deftly hunting me down minute after minute, hour after hour. I try to run. I try to hide. I even traded my tumbler of gin for a can of diet coke to try to throw him off my scent, but he still found me. I may be up against something I'll never be able to destroy. Let's recap, shall we?

Matt has nominated Kathy and Andrew which really makes sense to no one. I'm not even sure it makes sense to Matt. I sometimes wonder if he wants us to think he's got index card after index card of BB schemes hiding in his pants (this explains why his hand is always down there), but really he's just doing random shit in an effort to appear smarter than everyone - like it's all part of some big Master Plan. Matt wants us to think he's nominated Andrew and Kathy under the guise of backdooring Bitch Boy and splitting up Brenchel. If this was the case, he would have just nominated Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface from the start. Even if one won the POV, the other would go home. Boom. Bam. Done. Easy peasy, but nooooo Matt has to perform all these slight of hand tricks with lots of smoke and mirrors where random people become pieces in his own personal fantasy chess game. Whenever I see Matt speak, I always picture him with a top hat and tails. He's pacing back and forth, to and fro, across his "stage" flitting his hands here and there. We don't quite know where to look. We want to catch him doing something, but quite often the performance ends and we're all like "That's it? That's magic? Ummm yeah I want my money back."

So Matt, I want my money back. I don't care for you anymore. I stuck up for your lie, but I'm sorry, I just can't forgive anyone who had the opportunity to split up Brenchel and wastes it getting out someone who's so easy to write about. That someone is Kathy Faye, Dragon Lady Extraordinaire. I first need to say that the POV came and went and, of course, Bitch Boy won so expect the nominations to stay the same. Matt's target is now Kathy. Sure, she's lazy and that voice makes me stab myself in my pancreas, but I don't think I'm ready to see Kathy go yet. I feel like I'm just getting to know her. She's slowly revealing herself to me and I can't help but want to climb inside and swim around for a while. Whenever I'm at a loss for words or struggling to find my way through a story, I know I can always count on Supine Sally to lift me up and take me to places I've never imagined.

*inhale*

You know, sister, I ain't ready to go yet. I've been through hell and back *exhale* and I can tell you stories about things you've never imagined ever existed. *inhale* I've chased a peacock down the Texas Panhandle in the dark of night while a crackwhore named Bertha shouted cuss words to me from her 5th floor walk-up. *exhale* Oh yeah sister, I've performed cavity searches on women with no legs, old ladys with Amazonian jungles in between their legs, and one gal, 'Peanut' they called her, who actually handed me her leg while she undressed. *inhale* Have you ever tried one of them thighmasters? I ordered one off a, one of them, info-mercials they play on the tv. *exhale* That daggum thing almost poked my eye out. It DID poke my cats eye out! I tried doing it standing up and the shit went flying, poor Sprinkles got caught in the crossfire, and $400 later I'm stuck with a cat with one eye. I do like that Suzanne Sommers though. *inhale* Hell of a woman. She had the cancer too, but beat it with fruit juices and some nonsense like that. Not me. I like the hard stuff. *exhale* Stick Pine-Sol in my veins if you gotta. No sissy organic shit for me. *inhale* That Peanut *laughs to self* she just looooved to take that leg off and swat it at the officers. I keep her photo on my dash to remind me: things can always get tougher, but no matter what *exhale* you never let it get you down.

See? I told you. She can be likable... once I get done with her.

OK so the POV didn't go exactly as planned and Matt is in his room smacking the bed and saying over and over again, "This wasn't supposed to happen!" You know, Matt's not a very good actor. It was during his faux tantrums that I realized that he had no intention of getting rid of Brenchel. Brenchel is a duo dumb enough to buy into his lie about his wife. They're votes for him in the Jury House. He'd never be willing to sacrifice a vote. Kathy, on the other hand, well, she doesn't care too much for Mr. Matt. She voted against him once and you can believe she'll do it again.

Matt's big problem now, of course, is Andrew. How do you solve a problem like Andrew? More importantly, how is it that Andrew was actually able to play in the POV? Not only was it a game and a competition on the Sabbath, but it was the "Hold & Fold" POV which, I think, could count as gambling. I'm penning a letter to Israel as we speak. I must get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, Matt is preoccupied with the fact that Andrew really doesn't care for him. Not to get off topic or anything, but isn't Matt a Jew too? Hoffman = Jewish. No? Could Andrew's anger stem from more than just being pissed at the whole pawn scheme? Is Matt not pious enough? I know Jews don't care for tattoos. Our young Matt Hoffman is a tattoed freak. I believe Leviticus and Andrew would have a HUGE problem with that. Of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Not the Leviticus thing, the "Matt is Jewish" thing. Leviticus was one tough bitch though, let me tell you. He was full of all sorts of rules and dietary/sexual restrictions. Leviticus, Levy to his friends, must have been such a buzzkill at parties, but I digress.

Matt's big new plan is to - wait for it - push a tie so he can be the tiebreaker and come to Andrew's rescue. First off, I'd never trust the HG's to vote how you tell them. Switching a vote at the last minute would be a genius way to fuck up Matt's game. That's totally something I'd do. I'd tell Matt I'm voting one way and then I'd vote another just to get revenge on him for keeping Brenchel together. Secondly, Andrew wouldn't care if Matt saved him. He knows how much Matt hates Kathy. He's just the lesser of two evils. Besides, Matt is still a bad Jew (I think). Tie or no tie, that'll never change.

This brings me to Mr. Pain In The Ass himself, Ragan. *sigh* Ragan. Bugs. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. This phony righteous attitude he has is really chapping my ass. I want to know who told him he could be the judge of who's "deserving" enough to be in the game. His big thing now is that Andrew is more deserving than Kathy because Andrew is stronger in the competitions. LOL Idiot. Wouldn't getting out a strong person be, like, I don't know, a smart idea?! Yes, Andrew has proven to be a strong competitor. He's also proven to be the world's worst eater. Hence, therefore, heretofore, I want the asshole gone. Never in my life have I heard anyone eat as loud and as disgusting as he does. He makes the Ragamuffin with a fistful of toffee sound positively saintly. Besides, like most repressed religious men, Andrew is kinda creepy. The only reason he's been quiet for the past few weeks is cuz Rachel told him to his face to stop giving the women the heeby jeebies. No pun intended.

So Ragan is on this mission to save Andrew and this is where our game of cat and mouse began. I was watching Matt in the HOH trying to come up with a way to win back Andrew's love when Ragan enters and turns the conversation into a seminar on Honesty & Integrity. I left that conversation (because my ears were bleeding all over my keyboard) and went downstairs and outside to watch Kathy and Andrew mumble a few words to each other. Kathy was hot on the trail of a Lighter Thief and Andrew was saying that he wouldn't campaign against her. Kathy was sighing and smoking and hinting at there being a much bigger reason as to why she's in this game. She wouldn't say why, but, according to her, she has to stay in the house. I was intrigued. Did she embezzle money from her police station? Did a convict she busted just get released and is now out for blood? My head was swimming with all the possibilities as to why Kathy needed to hide out in the Big Brother house (Surely, they don't get CBS in the pen) when out of nowhere I swear I heard Ragan whisper, "Ha! I found you!" (he was referring to me of course). Ragan saunters into my "Kathy is on the run from something" fantasy and plops right down to, again, teach a course on feeling and understanding. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists in fury.

Out of anger, and only anger, I decided to check in on what Brenchel was up to. I know, I know, why torture myself? It turns out they didn't disappoint. They were canoodling and kissing, of course, which has pretty much pushed my gag reflex to the limit when Rachel whispers that she can't believe how amazing Matt has been to them. Brendon agrees and says that they need to focus on getting more people, like Matt, on their side. Rachel then and there decides not to be mean to Britney anymore. She also decides that Kristen needs to go. Wha, wha, what?!? I thought she and Shapeshifter were good buddies? It turns out that Rachel thinks that Kristen is singlehandedly trying to get all the girls out of the game. You know what I think? I think Rachel is threatened by another couple in the house and she wants to squash it ASAP. Rachel declares she's now going after Kristen. I bit my fist and wondered how to slip a note to Kristen. I was thinking a pigeon might work when out of nowhere I heard a foreboding and suspenseful soundtrack. It was the music you hear when a killer is about to be revealed. Then, the door opens...

"Hey beautiful people! It's me, Ragan! Let's chat!" At home I sat with my jaw on the floor. My heart almost leaping out of my chest, I scrambled to get up and find a crucifix. In my headphones, I heard Ragan put on his big boy voice. It was very low and very deep, but I swear to whatever is holy he said, "You can never run from me.... I'm coming for you... Mwahahaha!" It sent chills down my spine I tell you. Ragan, AKA "Major pain in the ass", has declared war on not only what is good and decently evil BB game play, but on me. Sweet, innocent, charming, devastatingly beautiful me. I've called my Native American healer, my Feng Shui designer, and a very sassy Ecuadorian lady to cleanse my house from top to bottom. I need to find and close whatever evil portal Ragan is accessing me from. There's a tree in the backyard that's always looked at me the wrong way. I think I'll start there.

While I'm running from demons and making sure my ch'i is flowing properly, what do you bitches think Matt is up to? Was Brendon ever his target? Do you want Andrew or Kathy to stay? Can Ragan ever be stopped? How will you hurt yourself if Rachel becomes HOH next week? And exactly how much did you miss me yesterday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

All photos in this blog were taken by me. I didn't have time to label them.