Sunday, July 25, 2010

Evil Comes In Many Forms

It's not a well known fact, but the Devil is actually a family man. If you think about it, it really shouldn't be all that shocking. He likes decadence which means he's probably a fan of late nights out at the club, lots of promiscuity, drugs, drinking, and general hedonism which naturally lends way for lots and lots of kids. The problem is keeping up with all of his relatives. Fortunately, I'm always on the hunt and can spot a member of the "Satan Clan" pretty easily. I singlehandedly uncovered Lucifer (Russell Hantz) last Fall and, now, I'm quite sure I've uncovered another member. This one is unlikely and very very evil. He masks himself with a mission for "good", but I know his real mission is to make my life a living hell. He's thin, wiley, quick, a hell of a hunter, has a nose for mischief and if you know Ancient Enochian like I do, then you know that the word "Ragan" actually translates to "major pain in the ass". Double entendre should obviously be noted. I may not be in the house myself, but "major pain in the ass" is deftly hunting me down minute after minute, hour after hour. I try to run. I try to hide. I even traded my tumbler of gin for a can of diet coke to try to throw him off my scent, but he still found me. I may be up against something I'll never be able to destroy. Let's recap, shall we?

Matt has nominated Kathy and Andrew which really makes sense to no one. I'm not even sure it makes sense to Matt. I sometimes wonder if he wants us to think he's got index card after index card of BB schemes hiding in his pants (this explains why his hand is always down there), but really he's just doing random shit in an effort to appear smarter than everyone - like it's all part of some big Master Plan. Matt wants us to think he's nominated Andrew and Kathy under the guise of backdooring Bitch Boy and splitting up Brenchel. If this was the case, he would have just nominated Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface from the start. Even if one won the POV, the other would go home. Boom. Bam. Done. Easy peasy, but nooooo Matt has to perform all these slight of hand tricks with lots of smoke and mirrors where random people become pieces in his own personal fantasy chess game. Whenever I see Matt speak, I always picture him with a top hat and tails. He's pacing back and forth, to and fro, across his "stage" flitting his hands here and there. We don't quite know where to look. We want to catch him doing something, but quite often the performance ends and we're all like "That's it? That's magic? Ummm yeah I want my money back."

So Matt, I want my money back. I don't care for you anymore. I stuck up for your lie, but I'm sorry, I just can't forgive anyone who had the opportunity to split up Brenchel and wastes it getting out someone who's so easy to write about. That someone is Kathy Faye, Dragon Lady Extraordinaire. I first need to say that the POV came and went and, of course, Bitch Boy won so expect the nominations to stay the same. Matt's target is now Kathy. Sure, she's lazy and that voice makes me stab myself in my pancreas, but I don't think I'm ready to see Kathy go yet. I feel like I'm just getting to know her. She's slowly revealing herself to me and I can't help but want to climb inside and swim around for a while. Whenever I'm at a loss for words or struggling to find my way through a story, I know I can always count on Supine Sally to lift me up and take me to places I've never imagined.


You know, sister, I ain't ready to go yet. I've been through hell and back *exhale* and I can tell you stories about things you've never imagined ever existed. *inhale* I've chased a peacock down the Texas Panhandle in the dark of night while a crackwhore named Bertha shouted cuss words to me from her 5th floor walk-up. *exhale* Oh yeah sister, I've performed cavity searches on women with no legs, old ladys with Amazonian jungles in between their legs, and one gal, 'Peanut' they called her, who actually handed me her leg while she undressed. *inhale* Have you ever tried one of them thighmasters? I ordered one off a, one of them, info-mercials they play on the tv. *exhale* That daggum thing almost poked my eye out. It DID poke my cats eye out! I tried doing it standing up and the shit went flying, poor Sprinkles got caught in the crossfire, and $400 later I'm stuck with a cat with one eye. I do like that Suzanne Sommers though. *inhale* Hell of a woman. She had the cancer too, but beat it with fruit juices and some nonsense like that. Not me. I like the hard stuff. *exhale* Stick Pine-Sol in my veins if you gotta. No sissy organic shit for me. *inhale* That Peanut *laughs to self* she just looooved to take that leg off and swat it at the officers. I keep her photo on my dash to remind me: things can always get tougher, but no matter what *exhale* you never let it get you down.

See? I told you. She can be likable... once I get done with her.

OK so the POV didn't go exactly as planned and Matt is in his room smacking the bed and saying over and over again, "This wasn't supposed to happen!" You know, Matt's not a very good actor. It was during his faux tantrums that I realized that he had no intention of getting rid of Brenchel. Brenchel is a duo dumb enough to buy into his lie about his wife. They're votes for him in the Jury House. He'd never be willing to sacrifice a vote. Kathy, on the other hand, well, she doesn't care too much for Mr. Matt. She voted against him once and you can believe she'll do it again.

Matt's big problem now, of course, is Andrew. How do you solve a problem like Andrew? More importantly, how is it that Andrew was actually able to play in the POV? Not only was it a game and a competition on the Sabbath, but it was the "Hold & Fold" POV which, I think, could count as gambling. I'm penning a letter to Israel as we speak. I must get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, Matt is preoccupied with the fact that Andrew really doesn't care for him. Not to get off topic or anything, but isn't Matt a Jew too? Hoffman = Jewish. No? Could Andrew's anger stem from more than just being pissed at the whole pawn scheme? Is Matt not pious enough? I know Jews don't care for tattoos. Our young Matt Hoffman is a tattoed freak. I believe Leviticus and Andrew would have a HUGE problem with that. Of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Not the Leviticus thing, the "Matt is Jewish" thing. Leviticus was one tough bitch though, let me tell you. He was full of all sorts of rules and dietary/sexual restrictions. Leviticus, Levy to his friends, must have been such a buzzkill at parties, but I digress.

Matt's big new plan is to - wait for it - push a tie so he can be the tiebreaker and come to Andrew's rescue. First off, I'd never trust the HG's to vote how you tell them. Switching a vote at the last minute would be a genius way to fuck up Matt's game. That's totally something I'd do. I'd tell Matt I'm voting one way and then I'd vote another just to get revenge on him for keeping Brenchel together. Secondly, Andrew wouldn't care if Matt saved him. He knows how much Matt hates Kathy. He's just the lesser of two evils. Besides, Matt is still a bad Jew (I think). Tie or no tie, that'll never change.

This brings me to Mr. Pain In The Ass himself, Ragan. *sigh* Ragan. Bugs. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. This phony righteous attitude he has is really chapping my ass. I want to know who told him he could be the judge of who's "deserving" enough to be in the game. His big thing now is that Andrew is more deserving than Kathy because Andrew is stronger in the competitions. LOL Idiot. Wouldn't getting out a strong person be, like, I don't know, a smart idea?! Yes, Andrew has proven to be a strong competitor. He's also proven to be the world's worst eater. Hence, therefore, heretofore, I want the asshole gone. Never in my life have I heard anyone eat as loud and as disgusting as he does. He makes the Ragamuffin with a fistful of toffee sound positively saintly. Besides, like most repressed religious men, Andrew is kinda creepy. The only reason he's been quiet for the past few weeks is cuz Rachel told him to his face to stop giving the women the heeby jeebies. No pun intended.

So Ragan is on this mission to save Andrew and this is where our game of cat and mouse began. I was watching Matt in the HOH trying to come up with a way to win back Andrew's love when Ragan enters and turns the conversation into a seminar on Honesty & Integrity. I left that conversation (because my ears were bleeding all over my keyboard) and went downstairs and outside to watch Kathy and Andrew mumble a few words to each other. Kathy was hot on the trail of a Lighter Thief and Andrew was saying that he wouldn't campaign against her. Kathy was sighing and smoking and hinting at there being a much bigger reason as to why she's in this game. She wouldn't say why, but, according to her, she has to stay in the house. I was intrigued. Did she embezzle money from her police station? Did a convict she busted just get released and is now out for blood? My head was swimming with all the possibilities as to why Kathy needed to hide out in the Big Brother house (Surely, they don't get CBS in the pen) when out of nowhere I swear I heard Ragan whisper, "Ha! I found you!" (he was referring to me of course). Ragan saunters into my "Kathy is on the run from something" fantasy and plops right down to, again, teach a course on feeling and understanding. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists in fury.

Out of anger, and only anger, I decided to check in on what Brenchel was up to. I know, I know, why torture myself? It turns out they didn't disappoint. They were canoodling and kissing, of course, which has pretty much pushed my gag reflex to the limit when Rachel whispers that she can't believe how amazing Matt has been to them. Brendon agrees and says that they need to focus on getting more people, like Matt, on their side. Rachel then and there decides not to be mean to Britney anymore. She also decides that Kristen needs to go. Wha, wha, what?!? I thought she and Shapeshifter were good buddies? It turns out that Rachel thinks that Kristen is singlehandedly trying to get all the girls out of the game. You know what I think? I think Rachel is threatened by another couple in the house and she wants to squash it ASAP. Rachel declares she's now going after Kristen. I bit my fist and wondered how to slip a note to Kristen. I was thinking a pigeon might work when out of nowhere I heard a foreboding and suspenseful soundtrack. It was the music you hear when a killer is about to be revealed. Then, the door opens...

"Hey beautiful people! It's me, Ragan! Let's chat!" At home I sat with my jaw on the floor. My heart almost leaping out of my chest, I scrambled to get up and find a crucifix. In my headphones, I heard Ragan put on his big boy voice. It was very low and very deep, but I swear to whatever is holy he said, "You can never run from me.... I'm coming for you... Mwahahaha!" It sent chills down my spine I tell you. Ragan, AKA "Major pain in the ass", has declared war on not only what is good and decently evil BB game play, but on me. Sweet, innocent, charming, devastatingly beautiful me. I've called my Native American healer, my Feng Shui designer, and a very sassy Ecuadorian lady to cleanse my house from top to bottom. I need to find and close whatever evil portal Ragan is accessing me from. There's a tree in the backyard that's always looked at me the wrong way. I think I'll start there.

While I'm running from demons and making sure my ch'i is flowing properly, what do you bitches think Matt is up to? Was Brendon ever his target? Do you want Andrew or Kathy to stay? Can Ragan ever be stopped? How will you hurt yourself if Rachel becomes HOH next week? And exactly how much did you miss me yesterday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

All photos in this blog were taken by me. I didn't have time to label them.


  1. OMFG GIRL! Okay so I'm so fucking pissed at Brenda! How the hell could he just swoop and win his SECOND VETO on the THIRD FUCKING WEEK?! Not only that Colette, but RACHEL was picked to play in the POV aswell... that's so STUPID! How does Brenda and Rachel do it?! If CBS is truly rigging this show, I now CURSE Brenda and Rachel for the rest of their stay in the BBHouse! Anyway I dont think Matt's up to anything. I think he's truly the DUMBEST DUDE IN THE HOUSE(Rachel of course is also stupid) I MEAN SERIOUSLY! HE'S SUPPOSE TO BE A GENIUS IS HE NOT?! UGH! SO STUPID!!! To be honest I don't give a flying little fuck who stays. Andrew is a floater(even though I guess he's with Brenchel) and even Dragon Lady is a floater. So it's a win-win as far as Floaters go. Ragan is a fucking twisted "Play All Sides of the House" "Pain In The Ass"(As you call him)FLOATER! I don't give a fuck is people disagree with that, RAGANS A FLOATER COLETTE! And if Rachel wins HOH Thursday I will contact CBS and demand that they do another competition. Or if we're lucky, they'll have technical difficulties. Than I'll kill my self FAST with NO PAIN a beheading. I missed you bunches yesterday btw, I absolutely LOVE your blogs and I love how you talk about the housefreaks. LOVE TO YOU COLETTE!!!

  2. I swear, Matt is the spitting image of my BFFs BF (make sense?) in college. He too was a genius. Book smart and dumb as hell otherwise. The problem with a "genius" is that some idiot TOLD them they were a genius. That alone cancels out any chance they have to really put their evil genius to work because from that day on they can't get over themselves long enough to fall into normal human ranks again. In other words, Matt is so full of himself he needs exlax just to take a shit. What kind of woman marries a man like that?!?!

  3. Colette, you are too funny and hilarious with your blogs. I just found your blog last week, but each one I read has me laughing my a$$ off. I agree that Matt never intended to put up Brendon or Rachel. He is always trying to look good to everyone, Why because is he thinking about the Jury house to get the votes. Little Mr Hands in the Pants, is playing it safe all the time.
    And Ragan is working everyone also but in another way. He can smell their weakness and knows just have to talk to people. If you notice before he gives his speech to anyone he takes a big breath and then blows the smoke up their asses. He adjusts the smoke to fit the apparent ass but it's smoke nonetheless. I can see Ragan getting far in this game, as long as the players continue to play and not realize that THEY ARE ON A GAME SHOW for $500,000 dollars!!!!!

    Keep the blog going.

  4. Kathy just let Kristen know what Rachel is up to...she said Rachel told her K & H are a couple. If that doesnt light a fire, I dont know what will! Kathy has finally come out of the dead tp play for her life in the house.

  5. My theory on Matt is this - Yes, he's smart, but he's also cocky. He's so cocky that he thinks he's alreay made it to the final 2. He's not playing this game as a week 3 situation... he's playing this game for jury votes. I think he wanted to backdoor Brendon if the opportunity came. But only if he could get the other one out the following week. Because if he split them up, he knew there was no way he would get the other one's jury vote.

    Ragan is going to feel like a real fucking douche bag when he goes back and watches all of this. Matt is playing him like a fiddle. Rachel and Brendon are not. He goes back and forth between all of them and yet he keeps saying how much INTEGRITY and HONOR he has. It's all pure bullshit.

    I'm sick of the same drama for the last 3 weeks. I wanna see new shit. I wanna see Hayden have to choose between Kristen and the Badda Bing Boys. I wanna see if Kristen will actually fight at all to be there, or if she'll just continue to flutter her eyes and eat insects. I wanna see Matt backstab Ragan, just so Ragan realizes that IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I want Matt's lie to be discovered. And I want to actually be able to understand ANYTHING that Andrew says.

    Most of all, I want Annie to walk back in those doors and I want to see some extension pulling drunken madness.

  6. Well, its Sunday, and I feel like giving a little sermon. Here it goes:

    Everyone's bloging about what they want to see on Big's what I want from BB. How about delivering some good old fashioned entertainment like BB does in other countries where everyone doesn't pretend to believe in Santa/Jesus? How about twelve young healthy adults do what is natural when all staying in the same house, with a pool, in the summertime?

    I am sick of seeing all order of violence, blood, guts and gore on primetime TV, but a little nudity and sex...hell no! Give those kids some alcohol, hide their clothes and let's show some real fun. Gawd I hate all the boring ass shit that passes for entertainment in this blood thirsty country. I can't sit through the first ten minutes of CSI, too much violence and gore for me.

    We are either truly a "christian" country, and have to stop the double standard regard sex and violence; or just stop the hypocrisy and feature as much sex as violence in American entertainment.

    Bored shitless....

  7. I Missed you! I'm kinda shocked that you aren't MORE pissed off at Matt's reluctance to get one of the BRENchel duo out. I of course am happy. :-) Another week with them is heavenly for me! I also really like Andrew so I don't him to go...
    I REALLY hope Brendon wins HOH this week. That would be like totally awesome. Also, I think Kristen has to go at some point or else she will make it to the end. SHE IS A TOTAL FLOATER. I love her but hate her style..she does nothing.

  8. Excellent blog as usual and I agree with 99% of what you do.
    I would say that the surname Hoffman is generally NOT Jewish and I don't think Matt is any more Jewish than you or I. I DO think he dropped the ball here and played it safe like a little puss. Rachel and Brandon should be targets one and two and I think Kristen needs to be right behind them. Oh, and someone needs to put the fear of GAWD almighty into bigmouth Ragan... he is singlehandedly ruining the entire season with his "voice of reason/morality."

  9. I actually googled the name Hoffman before writing this blog. He may not be Jewish and it doesn't really matter. I just thought it made for an interesting angle with Andrew... and of course Leviticus.

  10. I've only been reading your blog for a few days but I adore it and will continue to read it for every show you eviscerate.

    Matt has GOT to take his hand out of his pants. My only solace, since hiring a skywriter is too expensive, is that he'll read about what a creepy little munchkin he looks like once he's out of the house. That, and the fact that his poor, crippled wife knows that all of their friends and family are watching him hold his nutsack day after day after day.

    You've got a fan, Colette! Nice to meet you.. :-)

  11. *inhale* Loved your post this morning! *exhale* Kathy drives me insane, too! *inhale* Keep up the great work! *exhale*