It's not a well known fact, but the Devil is actually a family man. If you think about it, it really shouldn't be all that shocking. He likes decadence which means he's probably a fan of late nights out at the club, lots of promiscuity, drugs, drinking, and general hedonism which naturally lends way for lots and lots of kids. The problem is keeping up with all of his relatives. Fortunately, I'm always on the hunt and can spot a member of the "Satan Clan" pretty easily. I singlehandedly uncovered Lucifer (Russell Hantz) last Fall and, now, I'm quite sure I've uncovered another member. This one is unlikely and very very evil. He masks himself with a mission for "good", but I know his real mission is to make my life a living hell. He's thin, wiley, quick, a hell of a hunter, has a nose for mischief and if you know Ancient Enochian like I do, then you know that the word "Ragan" actually translates to "major pain in the ass". Double entendre should obviously be noted. I may not be in the house myself, but "major pain in the ass" is deftly hunting me down minute after minute, hour after hour. I try to run. I try to hide. I even traded my tumbler of gin for a can of diet coke to try to throw him off my scent, but he still found me. I may be up against something I'll never be able to destroy. Let's recap, shall we?
Matt has nominated Kathy and Andrew which really makes sense to no one. I'm not even sure it makes sense to Matt. I sometimes wonder if he wants us to think he's got index card after index card of BB schemes hiding in his pants (this explains why his hand is always down there), but really he's just doing random shit in an effort to appear smarter than everyone - like it's all part of some big Master Plan. Matt wants us to think he's nominated Andrew and Kathy under the guise of backdooring Bitch Boy and splitting up Brenchel. If this was the case, he would have just nominated Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface from the start. Even if one won the POV, the other would go home. Boom. Bam. Done. Easy peasy, but nooooo Matt has to perform all these slight of hand tricks with lots of smoke and mirrors where random people become pieces in his own personal fantasy chess game. Whenever I see Matt speak, I always picture him with a top hat and tails. He's pacing back and forth, to and fro, across his "stage" flitting his hands here and there. We don't quite know where to look. We want to catch him doing something, but quite often the performance ends and we're all like "That's it? That's magic? Ummm yeah I want my money back."
So Matt, I want my money back. I don't care for you anymore. I stuck up for your lie, but I'm sorry, I just can't forgive anyone who had the opportunity to split up Brenchel and wastes it getting out someone who's so easy to write about. That someone is Kathy Faye, Dragon Lady Extraordinaire. I first need to say that the POV came and went and, of course, Bitch Boy won so expect the nominations to stay the same. Matt's target is now Kathy. Sure, she's lazy and that voice makes me stab myself in my pancreas, but I don't think I'm ready to see Kathy go yet. I feel like I'm just getting to know her. She's slowly revealing herself to me and I can't help but want to climb inside and swim around for a while. Whenever I'm at a loss for words or struggling to find my way through a story, I know I can always count on Supine Sally to lift me up and take me to places I've never imagined.
You know, sister, I ain't ready to go yet. I've been through hell and back *exhale* and I can tell you stories about things you've never imagined ever existed. *inhale* I've chased a peacock down the Texas Panhandle in the dark of night while a crackwhore named Bertha shouted cuss words to me from her 5th floor walk-up. *exhale* Oh yeah sister, I've performed cavity searches on women with no legs, old ladys with Amazonian jungles in between their legs, and one gal, 'Peanut' they called her, who actually handed me her leg while she undressed. *inhale* Have you ever tried one of them thighmasters? I ordered one off a, one of them, info-mercials they play on the tv. *exhale* That daggum thing almost poked my eye out. It DID poke my cats eye out! I tried doing it standing up and the shit went flying, poor Sprinkles got caught in the crossfire, and $400 later I'm stuck with a cat with one eye. I do like that Suzanne Sommers though. *inhale* Hell of a woman. She had the cancer too, but beat it with fruit juices and some nonsense like that. Not me. I like the hard stuff. *exhale* Stick Pine-Sol in my veins if you gotta. No sissy organic shit for me. *inhale* That Peanut *laughs to self* she just looooved to take that leg off and swat it at the officers. I keep her photo on my dash to remind me: things can always get tougher, but no matter what *exhale* you never let it get you down.
See? I told you. She can be likable... once I get done with her.
OK so the POV didn't go exactly as planned and Matt is in his room smacking the bed and saying over and over again, "This wasn't supposed to happen!" You know, Matt's not a very good actor. It was during his faux tantrums that I realized that he had no intention of getting rid of Brenchel. Brenchel is a duo dumb enough to buy into his lie about his wife. They're votes for him in the Jury House. He'd never be willing to sacrifice a vote. Kathy, on the other hand, well, she doesn't care too much for Mr. Matt. She voted against him once and you can believe she'll do it again.
Matt's big problem now, of course, is Andrew. How do you solve a problem like Andrew? More importantly, how is it that Andrew was actually able to play in the POV? Not only was it a game and a competition on the Sabbath, but it was the "Hold & Fold" POV which, I think, could count as gambling. I'm penning a letter to Israel as we speak. I must get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, Matt is preoccupied with the fact that Andrew really doesn't care for him. Not to get off topic or anything, but isn't Matt a Jew too? Hoffman = Jewish. No? Could Andrew's anger stem from more than just being pissed at the whole pawn scheme? Is Matt not pious enough? I know Jews don't care for tattoos. Our young Matt Hoffman is a tattoed freak. I believe Leviticus and Andrew would have a HUGE problem with that. Of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Not the Leviticus thing, the "Matt is Jewish" thing. Leviticus was one tough bitch though, let me tell you. He was full of all sorts of rules and dietary/sexual restrictions. Leviticus, Levy to his friends, must have been such a buzzkill at parties, but I digress.
Matt's big new plan is to - wait for it - push a tie so he can be the tiebreaker and come to Andrew's rescue. First off, I'd never trust the HG's to vote how you tell them. Switching a vote at the last minute would be a genius way to fuck up Matt's game. That's totally something I'd do. I'd tell Matt I'm voting one way and then I'd vote another just to get revenge on him for keeping Brenchel together. Secondly, Andrew wouldn't care if Matt saved him. He knows how much Matt hates Kathy. He's just the lesser of two evils. Besides, Matt is still a bad Jew (I think). Tie or no tie, that'll never change.
This brings me to Mr. Pain In The Ass himself, Ragan. *sigh* Ragan. Bugs. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. This phony righteous attitude he has is really chapping my ass. I want to know who told him he could be the judge of who's "deserving" enough to be in the game. His big thing now is that Andrew is more deserving than Kathy because Andrew is stronger in the competitions. LOL Idiot. Wouldn't getting out a strong person be, like, I don't know, a smart idea?! Yes, Andrew has proven to be a strong competitor. He's also proven to be the world's worst eater. Hence, therefore, heretofore, I want the asshole gone. Never in my life have I heard anyone eat as loud and as disgusting as he does. He makes the Ragamuffin with a fistful of toffee sound positively saintly. Besides, like most repressed religious men, Andrew is kinda creepy. The only reason he's been quiet for the past few weeks is cuz Rachel told him to his face to stop giving the women the heeby jeebies. No pun intended.
So Ragan is on this mission to save Andrew and this is where our game of cat and mouse began. I was watching Matt in the HOH trying to come up with a way to win back Andrew's love when Ragan enters and turns the conversation into a seminar on Honesty & Integrity. I left that conversation (because my ears were bleeding all over my keyboard) and went downstairs and outside to watch Kathy and Andrew mumble a few words to each other. Kathy was hot on the trail of a Lighter Thief and Andrew was saying that he wouldn't campaign against her. Kathy was sighing and smoking and hinting at there being a much bigger reason as to why she's in this game. She wouldn't say why, but, according to her, she has to stay in the house. I was intrigued. Did she embezzle money from her police station? Did a convict she busted just get released and is now out for blood? My head was swimming with all the possibilities as to why Kathy needed to hide out in the Big Brother house (Surely, they don't get CBS in the pen) when out of nowhere I swear I heard Ragan whisper, "Ha! I found you!" (he was referring to me of course). Ragan saunters into my "Kathy is on the run from something" fantasy and plops right down to, again, teach a course on feeling and understanding. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists in fury.
Out of anger, and only anger, I decided to check in on what Brenchel was up to. I know, I know, why torture myself? It turns out they didn't disappoint. They were canoodling and kissing, of course, which has pretty much pushed my gag reflex to the limit when Rachel whispers that she can't believe how amazing Matt has been to them. Brendon agrees and says that they need to focus on getting more people, like Matt, on their side. Rachel then and there decides not to be mean to Britney anymore. She also decides that Kristen needs to go. Wha, wha, what?!? I thought she and Shapeshifter were good buddies? It turns out that Rachel thinks that Kristen is singlehandedly trying to get all the girls out of the game. You know what I think? I think Rachel is threatened by another couple in the house and she wants to squash it ASAP. Rachel declares she's now going after Kristen. I bit my fist and wondered how to slip a note to Kristen. I was thinking a pigeon might work when out of nowhere I heard a foreboding and suspenseful soundtrack. It was the music you hear when a killer is about to be revealed. Then, the door opens...
"Hey beautiful people! It's me, Ragan! Let's chat!" At home I sat with my jaw on the floor. My heart almost leaping out of my chest, I scrambled to get up and find a crucifix. In my headphones, I heard Ragan put on his big boy voice. It was very low and very deep, but I swear to whatever is holy he said, "You can never run from me.... I'm coming for you... Mwahahaha!" It sent chills down my spine I tell you. Ragan, AKA "Major pain in the ass", has declared war on not only what is good and decently evil BB game play, but on me. Sweet, innocent, charming, devastatingly beautiful me. I've called my Native American healer, my Feng Shui designer, and a very sassy Ecuadorian lady to cleanse my house from top to bottom. I need to find and close whatever evil portal Ragan is accessing me from. There's a tree in the backyard that's always looked at me the wrong way. I think I'll start there.
While I'm running from demons and making sure my ch'i is flowing properly, what do you bitches think Matt is up to? Was Brendon ever his target? Do you want Andrew or Kathy to stay? Can Ragan ever be stopped? How will you hurt yourself if Rachel becomes HOH next week? And exactly how much did you miss me yesterday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
All photos in this blog were taken by me. I didn't have time to label them.